Chapter Text
This was, as Karkat had been hoping, going to be a safe day. Safe days were often hard to come by because it meant going the entire day without a major federal offense and keeping every other nooksucker in the fucking hive from destroying everything. They had a little sign in the greeting hall that read DAYS SINCE LAST CLUSTERFUCK; the number currently hanging below the sign was 2. Karkat was just about to replace it with 3 for the night when Terezi hurriedly opened the front door and began to briskly walk upstairs. "Neighbor Phil's house is on fire, don't ask, and it's probably considered arson," she told nobody in particular. "Also, his septic system backed up and his backyard is now a swamp, most of his windows are broken, and his fridge is empty. Phil's in Ulan Bator, visiting family, but it's only a matter of time before someone calls 911."
Karkat boggled at her, 3 in one hand. "What? How do you know where Neighbor Phil is? Why do you know where Neighbor Phil is? How is his roof on-"
"Don't ask," Terezi repeated. Then, "Come on, everybody! Road trip!" Various cheers emanated throughout the hive. "But we must move quickly, as in now!"
"Terezi, what the screeching assplosion are you doing?" Karkat marched up the stairs behind her. "I demand an explanation!"
"Motherfuckin' gardyloo or what the fuck ever!" Gamzee dropped a duffel bag over the banister, which struck Karkat square on the temple. Jesus, Karkat thought as he began falling down all those stairs, Did that fucker pack his fucking rock collection or something? The back of Karkat's head struck tile, and he blacked out.
----
Karkat regretted waking up, as he did most mornings. The usual gripes and annoyances were all accounted for, buried under a new acquaintance, Horrible Throbbing Head Pain. His head felt like it had been stepped on by a trunkcharger, or maybe he had received a friendly pat on the head from Equius. It was sort of hard to tell sometimes.
Karkat was only dimply aware of a low, mechanical hum and his head pressed against something glass. He was also slightly more aware of the intermingled voices of pure fucking terror.
"Holy god we're all gonna die!"
"We must be STRONG!"
"I still hawe so much t'liwe fer!"
"HoNk!"
There was an abrupt shift and Karkat slid off what he ascertained to be a seat on their bus and hit his head on the floor. Any expletives he might have had vanished inside a horrible bloom of pain from within his think pan. Being as helpful as ever, Eridan promptly tripped over Karkat.
"Dammit, Fishbreath, what the hell is going on?"
"Kar's ahwake, guys."
Karkat slowly stood, cradling his head with one hand and supporting himself with the other. "What in the seven caves of Hrohv is going on- hugh!" Kanaya practically tackled him back into his seat. "You are injured; you will stay in your seat so as not to aggravate your condition!"
"Like hell I will!" Karkat shoved Kanaya back, stepped over Eridan, under a backpack that was flying through the air, and up to the front, where Sollux was attempting to wrench the steering wheel from Vriska's grip.
"Vrithka, that'th the wrong side of the road!"
"But I can drive faster on this side! They get out of the way for me!"
"You're terrorithing everyone!"
"God dammit, both of you!" Karkat shoved Sollux aside and slapped Vriska's hands away. "I'm driving!"
"No you are not!" Kanaya attempted to pull Karakt away. "You have sustained a minor concussion and must rest!"
"Goddammit, Maryam!"
"Vrithka, thtop!"
"Sollux, if you could-"
"Karkat, go awaaaaaaaay!"
"All four of you are not being okay." Aradia was behind them, using her powers to lift the squabbling four and direct the bus into a median. She set everyone down and returned to staring at the back of the seat in front of her.
Karkat puffed and tried to pretend he didn't just get told by a dead girl. "Now, Vriska. Get the fuck up, you can't drive."
"But Karkaaaaaaaat."
"No buts. Majority rule." Karkat winced and massaged his temples. "Jesus fuck, what's happening?"
Kanaya pulled Karkat's sleeve. "Come sit down and you will be briefed."
"Fuck no, I... I drive the... the ouch." Inside Karkat's head, a thousand tiny musclebeast dancers were performing Turn Karkat's Think Pan into a Quivering Lump of Oatmeal: The Musical. "Yeah, I'll... go sit down."
"Excellent. Sollux, are you capable of driving?"
Sollux shrugged. "Yeah, thhure."
"Do so. Vriska, stay out of trouble."
Vriska humph'd in the seat she was in. The bus abruptly lurched to life as Sollux pulled out of the ditch and resumed the trek down the highway. Karkat threw himself into a seat and closed his eyes, allowing the gentle murmur of conversation and the engine to wash over him. It didn't help his headache at all. "So what the hell are we doing?"
"Well, that depends," Kanaya said, sitting down next to Karkat. "Do you want to the short version or the long version?"
"Which one won't give me an aneurism?"
"Short version it is, then. To put it simply, most of us are wanted in various charges of breaking and entering, theft, vandalism, and arson. The law is catching up to us, so to speak, and we are now fleeing the state until it all blows over. Unfortunately, you were hit on the head by a bag containing Gamzee's Pet Rock collection. You have a concussion and really should not exert yourself."
Karkat groaned weakly. "Supplies?"
"Ah. That. Well," Kanaya pulled Sollux's pocket notebook from her sylladex, "We have $38.35, a cooler of ham sandwiches, a single moldy string cheese stick, four bottles of Faygo, and a coin so crusted over nobody is sure if it's American or Canadian." She flipped a page. "Oh, and Equius brought all the towels he could fit into his sylladex."
"That's it?"
"Gamzee found change in the seats but he won't share. Other than that, yes."
"How long?"
"Hm?"
"How long have we been driving?"
"Oh, I think about six hours. Everyone is starting to grow restless, as you could probably tell."
"Ration the sandwiches. That should hold us over until we find a place to bunker down for the night."
"Very well." Kanaya got up and left, and there was a lengthy pause and a drop in conversation. Just as Karkat was beginning to drift off again, Kanaya returned, holding two sandwiches. "Karkat, I believe we have a problem."
"Oh, good," Karkat grumbled, not bothering to open his eyes.
"Look at this." Karkat forced his eyes to open and stared at the sandwich Kanaya was holding out.
"So? Big deal. It's a sandwich with mudwallower flesh on it. What of it?"
"Look closer."
Karkat removed the top slice of bread and stared at what he saw. "It shouldn't be that shade of blue, right?"
"No. Nor should it be any shade of blue."
Karkat sighed, stood, and loudly announced, "Okay, nobody eat the goddamn sandwiches because they might be toxic."
There was a great simultaneous spit. Eridan cried, "Oh cod, I jus' s'hwallowed some!"
Karkat sat down and fumed to himself. "Who made these?"
"Feferi did."
"Scream at her for me, would you? And then tell Sollux to pull over to the next restaurant we see. We're going to have to dip into our funds."