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A snowy landscape fills the area with a chill. Despite it, a young girl leans against the stone pillar to an entrance. The chill did nothing in comparison to the feeling of cold dread within her chest. The pulls the woolen coat closer to her person. The words heard earlier repeated in her mind.
She wasn’t meant to hear those words, that much was certain. And she didn’t quite understand the meaning of said words. But she understood the tone of them. Especially with the expression on her mother’s face once they were spoken. Not even her comforting presence could soothe the unease within. The sounds of children’s laughter break her from the spiraling thoughts. Light blue eyes focus on the source. She watches as two Elezen boys run through the snow-covered grass. So rarely she witnesses seeing children her age when she comes to visit. Her eyes are drawn to them. Eventually, they stop directly across the street from her perch.
It seems that only then they took notice of her staring.
A blush forms on her pale cheeks at being caught, before her stare goes down at her buckled boots. The faint crunch of boots beneath the snow grew louder and closer to her. Soon her staring at her boots is accompanied by a pair of weathered boots.
“Maybe she doesn’t want to?” softly said a boy.
“Don’t be silly,” said another, “we haven’t even asked!”
Courage finally makes her look up, meeting with the light blue eyes of a boy. Silver hair framed the young boy’s face. He smiled at her, the winter seemingly doing little to dampen his spirits. A younger boy shyly waves at her. With a wave, she returns back. The silver-haired boy smiles wider at her greeting.
“Do you wanna play with us?”
She says nothing at first, eyes glancing at the heavy-set doors behind her. Quickly she looks down at her feet again. The older boy's brows furrow for just a moment. He grabs her gloved hand, intertwining it with his. Her head snaps up, bewilderment clear on her face. For a moment her eyes dart to the door again, hoping he’d understand. He gives her an affirming nod.
“We’ll have you back before they notice. Come on!”
She looks at their joined hands once more. Then back to the boys. Slowly she nods, much to their excitement. It was hard for her to feel down with how infectious their energy was.
Perhaps, she thinks, this trip won’t be so bad.
A deep frown forms as I stare at the screen on my phone. If it wasn’t for the fact I needed this phone I would have the inclination to set the device ablaze. The inevitable sigh leaves me. I heard these words, so many times since I was of age. And yet the surprise and weariness of hearing them again and again bring the same responses. Hearing those not-as-subtle remarks about Mom’s life choices. How I am expected to live those expectations since I was at a point I could be molded into a woman they wanted. Mom tried her best to shield me from such aspirations when I was younger. But alas I was away from her now.
That and the promise I would try to be at least civil to my grandparents was the only thing preventing me from just hanging up on them.
Though the urge was quite strong.
“Think about it,” said Grandmother, “your dedication to your studies is very admirable. But your education is but one aspect of the future to consider. You also have a social aspect. Many wonder why my granddaughter I praise so much about is ever elusive to the dinners she’s invited to…”
Many suitors I can’t help but think.
“Grandmother, my studies are reaching a point that I cannot visit as I wish to. If I manage to get some time away I will make an effort to visit. I must get going, I’ll talk to you again soon.”
I disconnect the call before she could try to talk me into it some more. Was I so easy to browbeat into complying? I should really be used to this by now. Many of our conversations boiled down to this very exchange. Just the thought of being paraded around by them as some worthy potential bride makes me shudder.
“Ahem,” came a male voice, “Are you alright Ami?”
I turn to the source, seeing my roommate stare at me with clear concern. Seeing him with such an expression eats at me. Always the one to notice these shifts in my mood, he tries his best to help me get through them. I smile at him in thanks for his support.
“Thanks for the concern Haurchefant. Just…it’s exhausting dealing with the expectation of others regardless of my own wants. It’s tiring to deal with and I wish I could just not.”
His expression changes as he places a comforting hand on my shoulder. Many a time his comforting gestures helped me. He seemed to understand without me having to discuss specifics, and that was enough for me.
“I can tell. I can’t have you keep that stress bottled up. Let me help you relieve it, my dear.”
I stare at him, mouth slightly agape. I warned him about his phrasing so many times. He chuckles as my blush spreads further under his affectionate tones. I couldn’t fault him for always being willing to help me, it was thanks to him that I’ve been able to better deal with this stress.
I nod.
“Excellent! I promise you, Ami, it’ll be a date you won’t forget.”
My eyes widen at the entrance to our destination. The moment I accepted his proposal he seemed beside himself in happiness. I had an inkling he was going to take me someplace.
I just never imagined it was the world-renowned Gold Saucer.
There was no mistaking the glitzy adornments that decorated the park’s gates as the music that was its theme filtered through the area. We haven’t even walked inside and I could see how proud the venue was of its eccentric display.
“You can be honest. Surprised?”
“Very,” I confess, “How did you manage to get tickets? So quickly?”
Haurchefant rubbed the back of his neck. For a man that seemed so assured of himself, it was rare to have him be so bashful. Did his ears have a hint of a blush on them? No, no it was a trick of the light. I think.
“I can’t lie to you. I’ve had these passes for quite some time. From my younger brother, you see. We were chatting and I brought up a situation and he figured this was the best way to go about it.”
“Situation?”
“Never mind that,” he stammered, “my situation can be addressed another time. Today is all about you.”
Hearing how direct Haurchefant was only made my blush deepen. I can feel the stress loosening in my heart. He took my hand as he led me through the gilded gates into the park proper. The moment our feet pass the threshold, the shift in atmosphere as an extravagant amusement part was noticeable. It’s clear this was meant as a place to forget the worries of everyday life, and indulge.
Children yelling in excitement.
Couples walking the venue hand in hand.
It was hard to stay stewed in my own troubles with such a brightening atmosphere. I let myself be led through the main plaza of the park grounds. My eyes took in the brightly colored stalls and buildings. The vibrancy toes between being a sensory overload.
Just before it crosses that line, Haurchefant would firm the hold on my hand.
It was such a simple gesture, but the weight and warmth of his hand did wonders. It grounded me. I haven’t known him as long but he held no hesitations in holding my hand. I’ve long since figured that he was more of a physically showing person. I appreciated his gestures of friendship.
We walked deeper into the grounds, mainly to just get a feel for the area. Our destination was the giant Sabotender monument erected at the center of the Gold Saucer. Our walk was quickly stopped by an employee dressed in the same mascot garb. They looked at us and then our joined hands before going back to us.
Even if I could not see their face, I felt a grin coming from behind the mascot suit.
“An adorable couple on this beautiful day. For you milady!”
From their hands(?) they placed a tiny top hat on my head. I blinked, clearly confused. Mostly how such a person of a small stature managed to get it on my blue locks was a feat in itself. But most importantly…
“But we’re not-“
“Enjoy your date here at the Gold Saucer.”
They scuttled off to another group of patrons before I could correct them. I turned to Haurchefant, his eyes sparkled in amusement. Some could argue he was outright delighted at the assumption. I suppose if he wasn’t uncomfortable about it, I wouldn’t either. It’s not as though the thought in itself was uncomfortable either. I shrugged my shoulders and just let the situation be.
We eventually reached the center monument. It was so tall. No matter where you were in the park, you could always see it. I didn’t have to be a regular to know that it was one of Gold Saucer’s highlights.
“At night the centerpiece glows in a golden hue. Some would think it a gaudy overindulgence, but it works in shifting from an amusement park by day to a high-life entertainment venue at night.
“You’ve been here before,” I asked.
“Not exactly,” he answered, “My brothers would often go in their youth with their mother. My younger brother especially enjoyed his trips. Even now he finds little excuses to go. Never ceases to tell me his favorite attraction is seeing the figure from the Ferris wheel.”
His expression went neutral as his eyes held a certain gaze. I wondered what he hides behind those eyes of his. It was my turn as I firmed the grip of my hand on his. His eyes widened before shaking his head. He turned to me, letting his smile shine through once again.
“Let us not dwell on the past. I may not have had the opportunity to come here in my younger days but I can still be a well enough tour guide of the grounds for you.”
He meant in his words as we spent the day together. Every ride and attraction was a new experience for me. Where I would feel daunted by going through such things felt calming when I had Haurchefant beside me. He led me through each area, watching my expressions throughout. I found myself sticking close to him so we wouldn’t get lost among the sea of people. If he seemed uncomfortable about staying so close, he didn’t show it.
We had stopped at a crane game. The glass display was filled with various plush charms of cute mascots. Of course, there was the sabotender mascot and its golden variant. But there were also moogles, carbuncles, and chocobos of various different colors. Haurchefant noticed my staring, a question in his gaze. I shook my head.
“My dad would travel because of business and he always gave me a little plush from his trip. They’re probably still at home in storage somewhere.”
It brought me back to simpler times. Dad worked hard to provide for Mom and me but even with the distance, he always made sure to check up on us.
Haurchefant seemed to be in thought. Then he went to said game and deposited some gil into it. The game spun to life, the ditty of the Gold Saucer playing among the tinny speakers. His expression was one of focus as the claw moved under his guided direction. The claw would swing and sway as it lowered down into the mound of plush toys. He vibrated as a victorious jingle sounded from the machine. A clink and a thunk and something had emerged from the dispenser tray. He turned to me, smiling brightly as he offered his hands out.
In said hands was a black chocobo chick plush.
“For you,” he spoke, “as a humble token of my admiration.”
I was speechless as he placed the plush into my own hands. The fabric felt soft against my fingers as the plastic clip flopped downwards. I looked back up at him, seeing the delight in his gaze. The blush crept in. I’ve never received a gift that wasn’t from family before.
“Is it not to your liking?”
“No! It’s fine,” I quickly said, “I-thank you.”
His eyes widened before a soft chuckle left him. Seeing him so happy had me smiling too. There was just something about Haurchefant’s energy that was infectious. I hooked the charm on the strap of my bag. His smile widened as he took my hand once more.
“There’s still the Ferris wheel to go. The lines should be short enough that we don’t have to wait long. Unless you have uncomfortable feelings about heights?”
“No, I’d love to.”
We found ourselves quickly on board one of the gondolas on said Ferris wheel. It made the slow ascent up. In the quiet, I thought about the day. Mostly about Haurchefant. Today made me realize just how fortunate I was to have a great friend like him. He was so willing to help out others. Offer his time to make sure everyone else was okay. But for once I wished he was more selfish in pursuing his own wants.
“Ami? Are you okay? You seem in deep thought.”
His voice broke me out of my musings.
“I’m fine,” I assured him, “I just wanted to thank you for today. I haven’t been here long so I’m not used to others caring about what I want.”
“You are worthy of such consideration and more my friend.”
My eyes widened at his words. I quickly looked down at my hands, hiding my blush from him. My heart thumped at the pure honesty in his words. His hand touched my shoulder. The warmth of his hand was comforting.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you in a place like this. Well, not exactly this but just away from the bustle. You’ve been such a great friend and roommate. Our first meeting was not what I anticipated but I wouldn’t change it for anything. From then to now you’ve become more comfortable and it makes me happy to know my small contributions have some positive impact.”
When I looked up again, he focused his attention on the sight beyond the gondola. The orange tint of the setting sun reflected in his silver hair. Just in general his body looked bathed in a warm glow. Our eyes met and the blush intensified on me. He chuckled as he took my hand into his. He had done it so many times today that I no longer got startled by it. But this scene made the gesture different somehow.
Almost like a novel.
“I know all too well the weight of other’s perception upon you. After my mother’s unfortunate passing, I became a reminder of my father’s only indiscretion. He did his best to raise me with my brothers despite the circumstances of my birth. I was loved enough. But others always saw me and only thought of how I came to be. As a kid, I did feel a little bitter. Wondering what I had to do for those to just see me as myself.”
“So what did you do?”
He seemingly hummed to himself. There was a thoughtful expression on his face as he mulled over my question.
“Found people who did not mind I guess,” he said, “Find support so in turn I can support those. I say this because I see so much of my younger self in you. I can’t help but try to reach out. But not only because of that! I genuinely consider you a friend. I think you’re a kind, beautiful woman who deserves so much more. Seeing you distressed wants me to want to help you.”
Even with the setting sun, I could see the blush on his own face. There was something in this expression. And yet I could not respond to him. He had called me beautiful. He had begun to speak more, but the jingle of my phone cut him off. I gave him an apologetic glance as I took the phone off my bag. Instantly I was met with the display name of my grandparents.
In that instant, the anxiety Haurchefant worked so hard to help me ease came back in a flood.
The phone pressed tight against my hand at how hard I was grasping it. My body went rigid. Silly it was that the mere thought of having to deal with them could throw me back into such a state. I needed to apologize to Haurchefant for ruining such a moment. I hadn’t even noticed he had gotten closer until he knelt to my level, his hands loosening the phone from my grip.
“I don’t want you to break your phone,” he said, “Is it alright if I decline the call? A nod or shake is fine.”
I nodded.
“Okay, I’m going to decline the call.”
A beep and the phone went silent. Even afterward he didn’t move back to his seat. Rather he stayed close to me, watching me. Shame welled up that he saw me panic so easily. He didn’t look to be bothered by my panic. There was a single moment of silence. But I knew that declining the call wouldn’t deter them. They would just keep calling. The dam just broke as my body shook.
“My grandparents,” I began, “They are so set in the old ways. They had aspirations for my mom. To keep their reputation and tradition they say. But Mom didn’t want that. Instead of who they wanted, she married my father instead. She would have probably been disowned if it wasn’t for the timing that was not long after I was born. For small mercies, I think, I looked more like my mother than my father. So I wasn’t met with much disdain. But now, they want to push those aspirations they couldn’t get on her to me.”
I lowered my head, burying it deep in my arms. My body felt as though I needed to cry. Remembering all their phone calls, the side looks they gave the thinly veiled remarks on how I should be a proper woman of society.
“They want me to be their shining achievement now. Want me to meet their hand-picked potential partners. And I just-I just want. I want to…”
“What do you want,” he asked, “What do you aspire for Ami? Do even want to focus on that?”
I shook my head. Not as an answer, but confusion. I don’t know what I wanted beyond my studies. Again, my phone started to ring. I buried myself deeper, almost curling up onto myself. The dread like a heavy stone set in my stomach. I heard Haurchefant let out a small huff in annoyance with a short swear.
“Forgive me later.”
Before I could ask what for, he accepted the call.
“Ami’s not available today,” he said, “She’s spending time with those who love her. Call back in a couple of days.”
I could the muffled confusion from them before he hung up. Then he powered down my phone. I lifted my head up, stunned at what he just did. I didn’t think he would do such a thing. Regardless I was grateful for the silence. Even knowing I would have quite a mess to clean once I turned it back on.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
He waved it off.
“It’s not exactly the first time I’ve had to step in as such.”
He leaned closer as he put his arms around me in a hug. My body felt relaxed under his warmth and protection. I could feel his lips pressing against the crown of my head. I turned upwards, seeing the loving look in Haurchefant’s eyes. Lightly he pressed a kiss on my forehead. Almost testing the waters. He would trail light kisses on the side of my jaw, stopping at the corner of my mouth. He leaned in closer, kissing me lightly on my lips. My eyes widened at the feel of him. My hand trembled at it. When we parted, the blush on his face seemed to spread.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for a time,” he confessed, “Not quite how I imagined. But I just wanted to comfort you.”
His hand went over my cheek. He made idle strokes across the length of my cheek. I was honestly confused by his words. He had wanted to do that? With me? I was nothing special to be wanted for. No, he was just saying that to make me feel at ease.
And yet, his eyes and his words were so sincere.
“Since I was a child, I regretted not saying so sooner. But only to realize by circumstance I had a second chance to say what I couldn’t to her. That was my intent, but being in your company has deepened these feelings I have.”
He paused for a moment.
“Don’t let my feelings influence you,” he quickly said, “I meant what I said. You deserve so much more than you think you do and I want to help you obtain them. I’ve seen those late nights you take to study. How often I’d find you asleep with your notes open. You work hard to help others and for once I want you to be selfish for yourself and if I can have some part in that, then I’d gladly do it.”
I was quiet, Haurchefant’s words left a lot to think about. Did I know him as a child? I scarcely remembered my childhood. I remember a lot of time was spent at the family home. Perhaps because I was a kid they were cordial enough. But I think even then I knew the hints of animosity they held towards Dad and the reminders of him being with Mom. So dispassionate they were while I was growing up, they didn’t even notice the times I left to explore on my own.
Those explorations were special to me. As muddled as my memories are, I knew I had friends that-
Made my time…
…wait…
“That tall boy?”
“Aye.”
My eyes widened seeing Haurchefant now. As if his words turned the key to my memories of back then. In painful clarity. His expression turned one to worry as he wiped away the tears rolling down my cheeks.
“Don’t cry Ami,” he cooed, “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
I hadn’t even realized I started to cry. I shook my head. It wasn’t his fault at all for my reaction. A soft laugh escaped from my mouth. How could I forget one of my friends? Those expressions I couldn’t discern from him at times, they were the longing looks of an old friend.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured, “I just-. You must have thought those times meant nothing to me.”
He shook his head profusely. He kissed my forehead again before kissing a tear.
“No, never. I know by now you wouldn’t do things maliciously. Everyone’s heard of the circumstances surrounding you so I knew. Besides, it had been over a decade. It would be unfair if I held expectations over moments we’ve had as children. Nor do I hold any expectations now that you know these things. I care for you a great deal and the very last thing I want to do is add to your stress and uncertainty. Don’t feel pressured to any one way. I’m willing to wait and accept whatever your heart desires.”
I nodded. There was still quite a bit to think about as we made our descent to the ground. The sun was barely in view. Section by section, golden light illuminated the park. The lights give a slow shift into the premiere nightlife venue. My heart longed at the sight. I was allowed to think of my wants and aspirations for the future. I turned to look at Haurchefant. There was a calm expression on his face now. One would think this wasn’t a man who just confessed all his feelings just a few minutes ago. He took my hand as we disembarked the Ferris wheel carriage.
All of this felt so familiar now. Even walking behind him gave me this nostalgic feeling of when we would play as children. I felt safe. As much now as I did when I was a child. He had grown up, but he was still that very same boy who offered his hand to play that snowy day.
“Haurchefant! Wait.”
He turned.
At that moment, I hugged him. Without a moment’s hesitation, he put his arms around me as well. This safe feeling compounded and spread to this wonderful floaty feeling. Our eyes met and he left no concealment in his true feelings.
Even with my situation, I wondered why I hadn’t seen this before now.
“I’m still not quite sure what I want for myself,” I confessed, “But I like you a lot. I want you by my side to help me find my path.”
I pressed myself closer to him. His body stiffened in clear surprise at my answer. There was this delighted laugh before I felt myself being lifted into the air. He kissed me again as we spun around. His joy was my joy too. As we parted his blue eyes beamed in pure contentment.
“I promise you have my support and I’ll shield you if it becomes too much,” he declared, “Come now, I still have to make a great first impression of our new relationship by letting you see the nightlife Gold Saucer has to offer.”
As he took my hand into his once again, I became aware of how different this instance was than the others. Earlier out of friendship was now out of a sprouting love. Our fingers interlaced and I took notice of how well they fit together.
Perhaps, I think, this isn’t so bad after all.