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“Sister?”
Julienne was only faintly aware of the sound, which seemed to come from far away.
“Sister?”
This time it was a little louder. As she faded back into consciousness, she became aware that her shoulder was being gently shaken.
“Wake up, Sister.”
Phyllis's voice was soft. In fact she hadn’t heard a stern word from her since all this began. That fact alone nearly brought Julienne to tears. It was one of the constant reminders of the seriousness of the situation.
In the past week, the no-nonsense midwife had spent countless hours in this bedroom by her side. Together they kept a watchful eye on Sister Monica Joan, whose condition remained critical, but for the time being stable.
Everyone at Nonnatus had rallied around and helped as best they could, but it had chiefly been Julienne and Phyllis by the elder Sister’s side since she fell ill, and Julienne had hardly left the bedside at all. They managed her pain as best they could, attempted to calm her down when she was delirious and upset, and did their best to get food and drink into her.
It had not been easy.
Julienne blinked slowly as her eyes adjusted to the low light. She realised that afternoon had turned into evening, and that somewhere in between she must have fallen asleep. She was half seated on a chair, slumped forwards on the bed with one hand grasping Sister Monica Joan’s arm.
Suddenly fearing what might have happened as she slept she took a sharp intake of breath, eyes opening wide. She looked up from her slumped position in desperation, searching for signs of life from the elder Sister on the bed. Despite almost immediately seeing Sister Monica Joan’s chest rise and fall, her heart was already racing. For a moment she had feared the worst.
“It’s alright, Sister, it’s alright,” Phyllis’s voice came from behind her. She felt her shoulders being grasped and let herself be gently encouraged into a sitting position, reluctantly letting go of her Sister’s arm. Her back protested and ached after having slept in such an awkward position, but she gave it no notice. Most of her ached at this point anyway. But that did not matter.
From the first moment, Phyllis had taken the lead. By naturally and unobtrusively stepping in to deal with medical matters, Julienne was allowed to simply be there. For that she was most grateful.
Phyllis had also taken Julienne completely off the midwifery roster for the time being. They hadn’t discussed it, it was simply an unspoken agreement. And she was grateful for that too.
Julienne felt her shoulder being squeezed.
“Sister, it’s time you go to bed. I’ve put a hot water bottle between your sheets and it’s time for you to keep it company.”
Julienne straightened her back and squared her shoulders. There was an audible crack as she moved but she pretended not to notice. “Thank you. But I will stay for a bit longer.” She attempted a reassuring smile, but she suspected it didn’t reach her eyes.
Phyllis let out a frustrated but controlled breath of air.
“Sister,” she began again softly. “I know you want to be by her side. But you’ll be no use to her if you’re not looking after yourself.”
Julienne blinked slowly. Phyllis continued.
“And you haven’t had a proper night’s sleep all week.”
As if the mere mention of sleep set her off, Julienne suddenly had to stifle a yawn.
“I am perfectly alright. And I have just slept a little,” she added quickly.
Phyllis sighed. “It’s not enough, Sister, and you know it. I can see you’re exhausted. All your energy is spent feeding and calming down Sister Monica Joan, but you’re barely eating or sleeping yourself.”
Julienne withdrew a little. “I manage,” she said defensively. “And I do not wish to leave her alone.” Instinctively she leaned forwards and laid a hand on Sister Monica Joan’s. If it was to reassure her Sister that she was there, or to be reassured that her Sister still was, she barely knew herself.
She took a shaky breath, eyes welling up. She tried to blink them away, but they just kept flowing, and she turned her head to avoid Phyllis seeing.
“She won’t be alone, Sister, you know that. There’s always someone around.”
Julienne couldn’t stop herself, crumbling completely. Silent tears turned into big, heaving sobs. She clamped a hand over her mouth but it did little to stifle the sound she was making.
——o——o——o——o——o——
The moment she realised what happened, Phyllis was on her knees next to the uncontrollably weeping Julienne.
“Shhh, come here” Phyllis tried to soothe, pulling Julienne into a firm embrace. She rubbed her back as Julienne kept sobbing loudly, only slightly muffled into Phyllis’s shoulder.
She threw a worried look at Sister Monica Joan. The Sister had had a very rough day. Confusion, agitation and a spiking fever had taken energy the elder Sister no longer had to spare, and it was crucial that she was left to rest now that she had finally fallen asleep.
Phyllis kicked herself mentally. She knew Sister Julienne had spent all her time caring for Sister Monica Joan, neglecting her own health completely. She was running herself ragged, and the few times she had left this room she had been adamant that someone take her place until she returned. Phyllis knew she should have intervened days ago.
Julienne’s sobbing showed no signs of stopping. Phyllis even sensed it was becoming worse.
“Come, Sister. Let’s go to the parlour,” Phyllis half whispered.
She felt the Sister shaking her head against her shoulder.
“Please, Sister,” she pleaded. “We mustn’t wake Sister Monica Joan.”
That seemed to convince her. Phyllis stood and Julienne allowed herself to be pulled up on unsteady legs. With a steadying grip, Phyllis led the still sobbing Julienne through the door and down the hallway.
As they headed down the steps towards the parlour, Trixie walked out from the kitchen. Phyllis saw her freeze on the spot and the colour drain from her face.
“Sister Monica Joan is sleeping,” Phyllis said quickly, putting emphasis on the last word. “But would you please sit with her for a moment?”
Trixie released the breath she was holding. “Of course,” she said, giving a quick nod.
Trixie threw a last worried look at the weeping Julienne, then headed down towards Sister Monica Joan’s room.
Phyllis led Julienne to the parlour and sat with her on the sofa. She held her close as the Sister cried and cried on her shoulder, rubbing her arm and back while quietly speaking words of comfort.
After what felt like many minutes, Julienne had only calmed down a little when she suddenly spoke.
“A-, I-, I’m s-sorry,” Julienne barely managed between sobs.
“Oh, lass.” Phyllis held her closer. “You’ve nothing to apologise for. Nothing.”
“I-, am-, sorry,” Julienne whimpered.
Phyllis shook her head. “Whatever for?”
Julienne took a few shaky breaths as she tried to calm herself.
“I should-, have known she-, was unwell. Done something. Earlier,” she hitched.
“Shh,” Phyllis tried. “We’ve been over this, you didn't know. None of us did.”
Very gently she shifted so she was clasping Julienne by the upper arms, looking into the Sister’s puffy red eyes. “You promised Sister Monica Joan you would not let her feel so alone, and you kept your word. Before she fell ill you made sure she was never on her own unless she wanted. And since she became unwell you haven’t left her side. No one could have done more.”
Phyllis rummaged around in her pocket for a handkerchief. Once she found it she handed it to Julienne who accepted it, wiped her eyes and blew her nose. It seemed like her breathing had finally calmed a little, as had her weeping.
“I know,” Julienne said in a small voice. “I just-, I feel terrible. Was with her, yet I missed the signs.” She wiped her eyes again and took a deep breath which she released slowly. Tears were still falling from her eyes, but at a much decreased rate now.
“Well,” Phyllis said thoughtfully. “Sister Monica Joan is not always easy to read. The last time she was truly unwell she went out of her way to hide it. I don’t think we’d have known for some time if she hadn't developed that cough.”
Julienne sniffed and wiped her eyes again. She was breathing much more steadily but with occasional hitching as she was calming down.
“And yet only a few weeks earlier she had pretended to be unwell, or at the very least exaggerated her symptoms to get out of going to the Mother House. Do you remember, Sister? When Mother Mildred came around with little May and the other children from Hong Kong.”
“Yes,” Julienne confirmed. “She has always had her little eccentricities.” She shook her head. “Do you know, it was not the first time she did something like that.”
“Oh?” Phyllis asked, relieved that Julienne was now considerably calmer.
“I remember once, when we were still in the old building. Sister Evangelina and Sister Monica Joan were going on retreat…” She tapered off.
“But Sister Monica Joan didn’t want to go?”
Julienne shook her head. “At first she hid her veil. But Nurse Franklin found it.”
Phyllis smiled faintly.
“They went to catch the bus. An hour later Sister Evangelina phoned from The London. Sister Monica Joan had collapsed. Only they could find nothing wrong with her. To this day I am not entirely sure what happened, but at least it was not the heart attack we had initially feared.”
Julienne sat in silence for a moment. Then a faint smile spread on her lips and she shook her head as she clearly recalled something.
“She refused to eat her pudding. The only time I had ever seen her do so.”
“In protest,” she added when Phyllis looked at her questioningly.
“So… I challenged her.”
Phyllis’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Really? How?”
“I took it. Started eating it myself.”
Phyllis almost grinned. This seemed most unlike the Julienne she knew.
“What happened?”
“Oh, she took it off me almost immediately.”
Julienne smiled a crooked smile. But then she looked off into the distance and the smile faded. Eventually she welled up and silent tears started running down her face once more.
Just when Phyllis was about to ask, Julienne spoke.
“She was supposed to go on retreat. And I said I would manage perfectly well without her. That she would be missed, but that I would manage.”
Phyllis looked on with concern, trying to follow what was being said. Then she realised that Julienne was not staring off into the distance at all. She was looking at the well-worn armchair across the parlour.
The same armchair in which Sister Evangelina was found dead.
“I miss her more than I can say. And some days I barely know how to function without her. She is in a better place now and I do not resent that.” She took a deep, shaky breath. “But I do regret that after she spent a lifetime nursing and sitting at countless bedsides helping people in and out of this world, she had to take her own last breath completely and utterly alone.”
Her eyes screwed shut and she began crying again. “And I will not-, let that happen-, to Sister Monica Joan,” she sobbed.
Phyllis’s heart broke for her. Once again she pulled the Sister into a tight embrace and supported her as she wept, gently swaying back and forth until Julienne had calmed down again.
“I will ensure that someone is with Sister Monica Joan at all times,” Phyllis declared.
Julienne wiped away stray tears and nodded.
“But it cannot always be you. I will set up a rota, and should it be necessary you will be summoned immediately. But it can’t go on like this, you are going to make yourself unwell. Sister Monica Joan wouldn’t want that. Sister Evangelina wouldn’t want that.”
Julienne shook her head. “I suppose you are right.” She took another shaky breath, followed by a yawn.
“We can discuss it further in the morning, but right now you need to sleep. No alarm in the morning,” Phyllis said firmly. “And your only duty tomorrow shall be to rest, get a spot of fresh air and have three square meals. Myself and the others will take turns sitting with Sister Monica Joan. That responsibility should not be yours alone.”
Julienne looked as if she might start crying again. Phyllis wasn’t sure if it was due to the heightened emotions or from simply being over tired. In any case, she knew the best thing for the Sister would be to get some rest.
“It won’t be easy,” she conceded. “But I do believe that after a good night’s sleep and something to eat, it will feel a little more manageable.”
Julienne looked unconvinced. She also looked exhausted. Phyllis stood and helped her up on her feet.
“Why don’t you go upstairs and get changed and under the covers? And I shall be right behind you with tea and aspirin.”
Phyllis watched Julienne slowly make her way up the corridor towards the staircase. She hoped that when she made her way to the Sister’s bedroom a few minutes later, she might find the Sister already asleep.