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„I told you – I'm fine!" Against Karppi's words, her body decided to betray her when her statement was followed by a huge yawn, the one that she couldn't resist anymore and the yawn that was met with Nurmi's pointed look, the one he shot towards her with an eyebrow raised.
„You don't look fine.” He declared, ignoring her sigh when he pushed the door open.
As soon as the captain ordered them both to get some sleep, he knew that Karppi will protest, that using dozens of excuses about the case still not being closed and Paarma still being on the loose, she will stubbornly insist on staying at the precinct. And she did, telling him over and over again that she was fine, promising that one coffee will fix it and she will be able to get back to work.
But the truth was – she needed the rest, they both needed it, not only after today but after the last few days, the heaviness and difficulty of their investigation dawning onto their exhausted bodies. Because what was the use of them when she was swaying on her feet, still wincing slightly whenever she accidentally touched the wound on her wrist and he couldn't see properly, rubbing his eyes from time to time to stop them from giving in and closing. He knew that Paarma still needed to be caught and that they were far from properly closing the case but after finally finding who was the real culprit, they did deserve some reward for all the hard work and at this point, a little rest was the best reward he could imagine.
„Just because I got a few stitches, it doesn't mean I need that rest." Karppi protested again. „Look!" She raised her hand and wiggled it a little bit as if to prove to him that she was indeed more than capable.
But she failed, again, the movement causing another wince to cross her features and Nurmi to sigh with another pointed look shot towards her again.
„Look..." He started after a moment, taking off his coat and throwing it onto the nearest chair, „...I don't care what you do, if you wanna go back, feel free to, I'm not gonna stop you." He plopped onto the bed, with a sigh welcoming the softness of the mattress under his back. „But I am getting that nap as long as I still can." He added, closing his eyes.
For a moment he heard nothing, no movement and at the same time not another protest, the one he was partially sure that was coming. And then the silent sound of the footsteps on the carpeted floor reached his ears when even without opening his eyes, he knew that she was approaching him.
„But there's only one bed...” Nurmi heard her voice and opened his eyes, noticing Karppi with her arms crossed on her chest, standing on the other side of the bed, her words causing him to raise his brow.
„Wouldn't be the first time, huh?” He joked, closing his eyes again and hearing her scoff silently at his words.
And then she gave up.
Because no matter how much she wanted to solve that damn case, no matter how badly she wanted to catch that asshole who hurt her, she knew that no amount of coffee would fix her right now, the painkillers she was given at the hospital earlier slowly stopped to work and that numb pain was coming in waves, every inch of her body craving for a little rest, the soft mattress in front of her calling her and breaking down all the resolve she had left.
After all, she was only human and maybe this one time she could allow herself to give in and for this one blessed moment forget about the case and the culprit and rest, as every normal human should.
Still, without a word she got rid of her jacket and put it on the window sill before sitting on the free side of the bed, mattress bending slightly under the weight of her body when propping herself on her hands she hesitated, for one more second. She turned around, to look at Nurmi who was still laying in the same position as before, his eyes closed and only his uneven breath was telling her that he wasn't asleep, at least not yet.
„You know that I don't bite." He murmured as if he could feel her looking.
She scoffed, a mixture of offence and amusement in that one small sound before with another sigh she gave in, laying down on the mattress right next to him. It was soft, so damn soft and even when it couldn't have been the most comfortable mattress in the entire world, it surely felt like that right now to her exhausted body, her muscles almost immediately relaxing, the tension in her body finally giving in, even if just a little bit.
With another sigh she adjusted herself a bit, finding a more comfortable place and crossing her hands on her stomach she blinked, her eyes moving slowly across the ceiling above her, the smooth surface being lit up by the faint lights coming through the windows, those lights painting the usual whiteness with darker and lighter spots, interrupted by a few red dots here or there and although her body was more than tired, her brain simply refused to rest, too many thoughts still swirling inside her head.
„Maybe we should search for him.” She spoke up after a second.
„Mhmm?”
„Paarma. We are only a few hours behind, he surely won't use a plane or a train or any other means of transport where he could be recognized, so maybe..."
„Karppi.”
„Mhmm?”
„We are supposed to be resting," Nurmi replied, his eyes still closed.
„I know.” She sighed. „But...”
„No. No 'buts'.” Turning his head to her side, he looked at her. „Weren't you hurt enough today?” Another raise of his brow.
Karppi was already opening her mouth but then resigned, at the very last moment and just sighed, looking away from him and going back to staring at the ceiling, only mumbling some incoherent agreement, her eyes focused on this one point above her head, the one it seemed only she was seeing.
And maybe she didn't notice or maybe she simply decided to ignore that fact, when his eyes stayed trained on her, moving across the profile of her face, lingering for a second too long at the spot where the two bruises from before seemed even darker right now in the dim lights of the dark room they were in, the view he suddenly couldn't look away from. He hated to see her hurt. And for some reason, Karppi seemed to have an almost exceptional talent for getting herself into trouble which always ended up with her getting hurt, one way or another. Of course, he knew, that was part of the job and of course, she wasn't that reckless but still, the number of bruises and wounds she was getting during their cases in comparison to the other officers was suspiciously high.
And suddenly, he realized that it hurt him as well.
It hurt to see her like that, to see the tiredness written all over her face, accompanied by those two epic bruises she had on the side of her face, the bruises he felt partially responsible for. Because if he hadn't forgotten that stupid phone in his stupid car, if he had heard her crying for help a bit earlier, if he hadn't left her alone for that long... Thoughts that weren't going to lead him anywhere and yet the thoughts he couldn't get rid of, once they found a comfortable place inside his brain, only brought him back images of her, in his arm, bloodied, hurt, when with heart beating like crazy in his chest he could only help that much and helplessly wait for the ambulance to come and save her, every minute dragging into eternity.
„It wasn't your fault," Karppi spoke up, silently, her voice bringing him back to reality.
With a surprised blink, Nurmi focused on her, only to see her staring back at him and he knew, that from where he was looking, she simply must have known what he was thinking about, as if reading his mind, her words causing him to open his mouth, only to close them seconds after.
„How did you...”
„It doesn't matter. Just know that it wasn't your fault.”
„But if I hadn't shown up..."
„But you did. He ran. He's gone and I'm fine.”
„You're not fine. You have several stitches on your wrist and two epic egg-sized bruises on your face.”
„Wow. You surely know a way to compliment a woman...” She murmured, looking away from him, her words causing Nurmi to sigh.
„Goodnight.” She murmured, turning to her right side, away from him.
The movement, that caused his opened mouth to shut again, words dying on his lips. The words that still needed to be said, no matter how badly he didn't want to say them, never being the one to know how to, things always coming out wrongly, no matter how good his intentions.
But there was this one thing he simply needed to say, the thing he wanted to confess to for weeks and yet, never being able to find the right moment and opportunity to do that, either being interrupted by something or somewhere or simply being too big of a coward, this pride he hated inside him, always stopping him in the very last moment. And the words, she simply had to hear, if not now, then who knows when.
„I'm sorry.” He said, finally, after a moment, voice silent, his apology hanging in the air between the two of them when he was waiting, patiently waiting.
For a moment he thought that she was already asleep, her body unmoving, her back still turned to him but just as he was ready to accept his defeat, to once again accept the fact that he chose the worst timing for his apology, Karppi shifted and slowly rolled onto her other side, facing him right now. Her eyes were unreadable, barely visible in the dark room and yet, he managed to notice a hint of surprise in them, the one that disappeared with another blink of her eyes as if it was never there.
„For what?” She asked, tucking her hand under her cheek, her eyes watching him carefully right now.
„For going behind your back like that.”
And suddenly it felt like a huge weight was taken from his shoulders, that weight that was dawning on him for longer than he could remember, the apology that he prepared long months ago when she was still suspended and yet the apology he couldn't blurt out any earlier. Partially it was because it never seemed to be a proper time for that, partially it was that little voice inside him telling him that he had nothing wrong and he was just doing that job and partially the cowardice, the one that was causing him to keep silent over and over again. Until he couldn't take it anymore and even if waiting for her to answer, under her scrutinous gaze, was filling him with this uneasy feeling, he had to admit that it was still better than keeping it to himself.
„You can't imagine how pissed I was at you.” She finally admitted after a long moment of silence, causing Nurmi to scoff.
„I kind of suspected that. When I first came with the papers for you to sign, I thought you were gonna attack me with that axe.”
Karppi blinked with surprise and then corners of her lips twitched at the memory before they raised in something that could only be a small smile.
„Well, I'd lie to say that the thought hadn't crossed my mind. Especially that you were an asshole back then.”
„In my defence, you weren't making anything easier for me.”
„What did you expect? You came like this, even putting it all on me when I didn't hear even one small 'sorry' from you.”
„And you didn't seem like you had any remorse about hiding things from me either.”
„Because I did not.”
„So if you could turn back time, you'd make the same choice?”
Silence.
And although only days ago she would be sure of her answer, certain that if put in a similar situation as before, she wouldn't hesitate, doing the same mistakes, making the same choices, right now? Now she wasn't so sure, the reality of those choices dawning on her, planting this seed of doubt that maybe, just maybe, no matter how badly she wanted to protect her daughter back then, there was another choice, there was another way, the way she was simply too blind to see.
She shrugged, her shoulders moving up and then down in a slow gesture when she simply didn't know what to say to him, the 'yes' being the most obvious lie and the 'no' still not being entirely true, this small shrug seeming like the best way out in this situation.
„Anyway...” Nurmi continued after a second, clearing his throat. „I know it's a bit late, but I am truly sorry. I could have talked to you, I should have talked to you.”
„It's okay.” Karppi nodded, turning her face to look at him once again. „I get it and it's okay.”
Maybe not exactly the forgiveness he was counting on, but it was still something and much more than he probably deserved for going behind her back like that so with a small nod he simply took it, the worry written seconds ago on his forehead disappearing, smoothening this one thin line being there so often.
And for one more time this evening, a silence fell between the two of them, the silence that wasn't even that surprising or uncomfortable, not between them, not when they didn't mind that, simply being together, in each other's presence, not always having something to say. And yet, this time, this silence was filled with something, something else, something that they were both feeling and yet they were both afraid to admit that, this heaviness in the air that although wasn't making anything uncomfortable, was still there. And maybe it was that, or maybe it was something else that made them stay like this, simply looking at each other, in that silence, their eyes shining faintly in the dark room, when even when they barely could make each other's features in that darkness, they were still clear, faces being maybe a little bit too close to each other or maybe still not close enough.
Then his thoughts took him back in time, to the last time there were in a similar situation, sharing a bed in a motel room after his car broke down, barely two years ago and yet the time that felt like an eternity when Nurmi was thinking about this right now. It was still fresh at the beginning of their partnership and he couldn't stop thinking of how much they both grew throughout this time, how much they both changed, from tolerating each other to being... this, whatever that this was.
He could surely call it a friendship, especially after all they'd been through, that fragile bond they had grown stronger over time and apparently, even his betrayal wasn't capable of destroying it, at least not as much as he feared it would. And yet, for some reason that word, that description didn't seem like it was enough, when it was once again this annoying voice inside his mind, telling him that it was different, it was more, the friendship not covering what they had anymore. And yet, he was scared to call it anything else, scared to even allow his thoughts to take him there when he knew, just how easy would it all come crumbling down from one little mistake, from taking it maybe a little bit too far, from hoping that it could be something more when in reality it could never. Maybe it was once again his cowardice talking, the one he hated more than anything else but maybe he simply shouldn't try to define it, shouldn't try to name it, to categorize it, at least not yet, this not being the time or place for that.
He could feel the tiredness washing all over his exhausted body and maybe that was exactly this tiredness or maybe something else that took control over his body when without even thinking he lifted his hand and reached out for her, his body acting against his mind, his fingers gently skimming across the skin on her cheek before they tangled into her hair, slowly brushing the strands away from her face.
And suddenly, Karppi hated herself, she hated herself for that little flip of her stomach and the leap of her heart from something as simple as his touch when all she wanted was to lean into it, with embarrassment thinking that she was behaving like a teenager having her first crush. And yet, the reaction of her body was stronger than any voice of reason and all she could hope for was that Nurmi won't notice any of the obvious signs his presence had on her. And then he scoffed, a small amused smile appearing on his lips, catching her off guard when blinking with surprise, she shot him a questioning look.
„What? What is so funny?”
„Nothing, just... You should really brush your hair.”
There was a pure surprise in her eyes at his words, a shock even when she needed a second to realize that what she had heard wasn't her imagination. And then with offended 'hympf', she gently smacked his arm, the gesture that to her annoyance was only met with another smile of his, pure amusement sparkling in his eyes right now, when he refused to look away from her.
„I didn't have any beauty time to spare between trying to catch a murderer and getting stitches at the hospital." She replied.
„Well, at least no birds wanted to put any nests in there this time.”
„It was one leaf. One leaf, Nurmi.”
He chuckled and oh, how much she loved the sound of that, after all of the pain and suffering they'd both been through, that sound being the music to her ears and something she wanted to hear more on daily basis. And before she realized what was happening, she was smiling as well, maybe because it was infectious or maybe simply because he had that effect on her, or maybe her tired body and brain were simply shutting off, making her inhibitions disappear, a state she'd rather not allow anyone to see her in, let alone him.
„Was that a smile I saw?" He teased her, smile never leaving his lips when with an offended scoff, Karppi turned her face away from him.
„I have no idea what you're talking about.” She murmured, causing another smile to appear on his lips.
Time.
It will take time, he realized, whatever that was between the two of them. The time that they needed not only to admit to what they were feeling but time to forgive, not only each other but also themselves, time that he was willing to sacrifice because if there was one thing he was certain of, he was not losing that woman, no matter what.
„We should really get that rest as long as we still can.” He suggested after a moment, part of him expecting another protest from her side but he was pleasantly surprised when Karppi only sighed, before closing her eyes.
„Yeah, I guess we should. Wouldn't want you to get on captain's bad side.” She joked, corners of her lips lifting in another small smile when she sneaked one glance at Nurmi's face before closing her eyes again.
That's why she failed to notice the roll of his eyes when murmuring something inaudibly, he shot her a look, yet the one she couldn't see. He kind of expected her to turn over and go back to her previous spot but he was once again surprised when she just stayed like this, facing him, as if turning away was too great of an effort, being so close and yet at the same time not close enough.
He was already half asleep when suddenly he felt it, the sudden warmth on his hand, Karppi's fingers lazily wrapping around his palm before she squeezed, faintly, yet the gesture that was enough to cause him to open his eyes and stare at her. But her eyes were still closed, her face free from worries for the very first time in forever when squeezing his hand for one more time she almost unnoticeably scooted a bit closer to him.
„Thank you.” She murmured.
He wasn't sure what she was thanking him for, for saving her from Paarma or from talking her into that nap after all? Or maybe for being here, when for the first time in forever she didn't have to deal with things alone, having someone in her corner, someone having her back, the presence she didn't even realize how much she needed until he appeared in her life. Without a word, Nurmi squeezed her hand back, their fingers lacing together, slowly, the gesture that caused a ghost of a smile to appear on her face.
And even when he closed his eyes again, he didn't let go of her hand, their fingers still laced when they both drifted away into the peaceful slumber they both needed so badly.