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My town was a wasteland
Full of cages, full of fences
Pageant queens and big pretenders
But for some, it was paradise
Not many people knew that Natasha Trace was a small town girl.
She never talks about her hometown at work (unless it’s her superiors asking), it’s always questions about where you currently live, not where you’re from. She noticed that none of the Black Aces were really interested in asking about each others’ pasts because most of them had something they ran away from when they chose this line of work.
However, most of the time, it was just that they didn’t want to know one another at a personal level. It’s easier to say your goodbyes to a stranger than a friend, which seems pretty grim, but that’s the way it works. It was like an unspoken rule: you don’t ask about anyone’s past unless it was specifically brought up by that person.
Natasha never brought up Sunshine Falls, North Carolina, that tiny spot on the map where the most remarkable thing that the Local Government’s Tourism Department could boast about was the abundance of waterfalls (the city was named Sunshine Falls, for god’s sake). Seriously, there was Rainbow falls, then Hickory Nut falls, and the Looking Glass falls all of which were within a couple of miles away from each other.
It was a typical small town where everyone knew each other.
They held meetings in the town hall with the mayor about every little dispute they had. There was that one bakery everyone went to, a bed and breakfast where ‘tourists’ (if you could call them that since most of them only checked in if there was an emergency and they literally had no other choice) stayed, a bar where the fanciest drink they have to offer is whiskey which tasted like it was brewed in a gasoline station (which was right next to the bar, so it seems highly plausible).
You know, standard small town things.
By the age of five, she finally understood why it was just her and her dad when most of her classmates in daycare were taken care of by their mommies.
Mommy is in heaven now, he said.
Daddy’s here, he said.
Daddy will always be here, he promised.
When she reached the age of eight, she’d just finished swimming, hiking, and camping with her dad in all of the park trails those falls have to offer. Her dad always loved Sunshine Falls, generations of Traces before him were born and raised there, so he felt an undeniable connection to the place. A connection he desperately tried to forge into Natasha, which is why he always took her to hiking trips.
At the age of ten, she lost her dad to an advanced chronic disease that the limited medical resources of Sunshine Falls, North Carolina had no treatment for. Her dad's side of the family could have afforded to take him to other places where a potential cure could be found. Her aunts called up Washington and they said that there was a 75% chance that her dad could survive, but he had to be brought there immediately. Sure, they would be drowning in debt if they pursued the proposed treatment plan, but they would pull through as they always have. Her dad, however, had other plans and adamantly refused the treatment plan to stay in Sunshine Falls.
There was still a 25% chance that he wouldn’t survive, he said.
He was born and raised there, he said.
He had lived his best life there, he said.
He would gladly die where he planted his roots, he said.
(Never once did he think about how his death would affect his daughter, but that was years ago. Her resentment was dead, gone, and buried. The past is the past after all, it should remain there)
By the time she was twelve, the magic of Sunshine Falls was gone and she was bored out of her mind. Natasha always knew that she was meant for greater things, she would not be bound by a small town that had nothing to offer her. Problem is, she never knew what could get her out of the place. She was twelve, she didn’t know anything. The only thing she knew was that she missed her dad terribly.
She spent her days in a slump and her classmates never bugged her about it because everyone knew her dad died, they simply thought she was never going back to normal after that.
The only time she found her rhythm again was when they visited the Seymour Johnson Air Force Base when she was thirteen for a school field trip. It just clicked for her, she hated the small town, she hated being tied down to something, and she could be free. Natasha breathlessly looked up as the fighter jets took off above her, showing off risky maneuvers for the kids who went there to watch them.
She liked it and for the first time in years she had something to look forward to.
My boy was a montage
A slow-motion, love potion
Jumping off things in the ocean
I broke his heart 'cause he was nice
Natasha breathlessly toppled over the bed. Her ragged breathing mingled with her boyfriend’s who laid on top of her after what seemed to be the most frantic sex they’ve had in the course of their relationship.
“I’m still leaving tomorrow, Jake.”
Of course her boyfriend’s name was Jake, it was short for Jacob. That was about as small town as it gets.
Jake was the baker’s son. He was pure, sweet, kind, and soft-spoken. Jake was the type to pick up every stray cat he encounters, nurturing then welcoming them into his home while Natasha was the type to feed the stray cats then leave immediately afterwards. Sunshine Falls’ resident gossip mongers always wondered (out loud and within Natasha’s earshot) what the sweet baker’s boy ever saw in the orphan Natasha Trace.
Honestly, Natasha didn’t know either, but Jake was her first everything. First boy to give her flowers, chocolates, a valentine’s card. He was also the first boy she kissed and had sex with. Seriously, he was not as innocent as everyone thought.
Contrary to the rumors, Natasha didn’t corrupt him. They corrupted each other, it was a give and take thing. She corrupted him in the usual sense and he corrupted her, somehow managing to make her enjoy Sunshine Falls again.
He took her camping at the same spots her dad used to.
He always got so excited about their yearly Sunshine Falls Trips that Natasha never had the heart to tell him that she knew the trails like the back of her hand, it was one of the fondest memories she had with her dad before he succumbed to his illness. There was no way she’s forgetting about that.
Jake also liked to offer her help whenever he thought that the trail was too ‘rocky’ or too ‘challenging’. Instead of rolling her eyes and telling him that she could finish the trail faster than he ever could, she opted to take his hand and smile at him, thanking him for his service.
See, this is what she meant about Jake corrupting her as well. She’d normally not dumb herself down to satiate someone’s ego, but she liked Jake and sometimes people do stupid and irrational things for other people, you know? Apparently, she wasn’t an exception to the rule.
“Can’t we give this a shot, Natasha?” He pleaded as he detached himself from her body. For someone she spent four years being in a committed relationship with, she found herself less affected than she should have been.
Not that she didn’t adore Jake, because she did. She knew deep in her heart that he would always be someone she loved dearly, but right now, all she was feeling was a sense of urgency to get the conversation over with. She just wanted Jake to wrap his arms around her one last time.
“I told you when we started this that I was still leaving.” She muttered, remembering him agreeing with her conditions. “Nothing changed my plans, Jake.”
“Not even me?” He croaked out dejectedly. “Was I not enough for you?”
“You were more than enough, Jake.” Natasha sat down, tugging the sheets to cover her chest. She cupped his cheeks and tilted his head in an angle that made him look into her eyes, trying her hardest to make him see that she cared, but she refused to be tied down. Not now, not ever. “You gave me the four best years of my life.”
“Then why can’t you stay with me ? I gave you four of the best years in your life, I can give you more. I know I can—”
“Jake, please, let’s not do this.” She pleaded, not wanting to spend her last hours in Sunshine Falls on a bad note. The place already had enough bad rep, in her opinion. “I only have a couple hours until I’m deployed, let’s not argue—”
“You told me I was more than enough.”
“You are.” She confirmed, because, in her opinion, he was enough. He was enough to make her forget how much she loathed Sunshine Falls. He was enough to make her happy for four years. He was enough to make her smile. He was enough.
“Am I enough to make you stay?”
No.
It was a knee-jerk response that she didn’t have the heart to say out loud to Jake. Natasha didn’t have the heart to say a lot of things to him, he truly has corrupted her.
One thing he couldn’t take away from her was the fact that she always knew what she wanted. Suddenly, a film reel started playing in her head: a small town setting, marrying Jake in that crusty small chapel near the town hall, managing Jake’s family bakery with him, popping out kids that would be another generation of Traces who were going to be born and raised in Sunshine Falls… that life wasn’t for her.
She knew that from the get-go, so she didn’t respond.
Her silence was enough of a confirmation for Jake. He quietly got dressed and left her room.
Natasha could do nothing but watch as the four best years of her life walk out on her forever.
I guess sometimes we all get
Some kind of haunted, some kind of haunted
And I never think of him
Except on midnights like this
It had been ten years since she last saw Jake, ten years since Natasha left Sunshine Falls and never looked back. Natasha still thinks about him when she has the time to, sometimes his goofy grin would appear in her dreams. She wasn’t pining after him, it’s been a decade (it wasn’t realistic to pine after someone that long, the movies lie for hopeless romantics to catch the bait, and it always works), maybe he finally found the girl of his dreams, someone who would give him the comfort Natasha couldn’t, a bride, a homemaker, someone who was perfectly fine with the loneliness of small town life.
So, in the end, they’ve both probably moved on and got what they wanted.
She had no roots in Sunshine Falls. She was free and is considered one of the best naval aviators in the country.
He was in Sunshine Falls, where he always wanted to be.
So, imagine her surprise when she laid eyes on a man who looked exactly like Jake Seresin except in all the wrong ways, she had to pinch herself on the arm to make sure that she wasn’t on a dopey adrenaline rush from the aerobatic techniques she just practiced.
He was in a khaki uniform just like hers, there were Ray-Ban aviators perched on the bridge of his nose, and his hair was gelled to perfection.
Natasha had to blink rapidly to make sure that she wasn’t seeing things (pinching herself wasn’t enough) she was certain that she was looking at Jake from Sunshine Falls. Her Jake.
But it was all wrong, the man in front of her was all wrong because of the following factors:
- Her Jake refused to comb his hair. He always had this wild, untamable mess on top of his head, but his soft green eyes and boyish grin made the messy excuse of a hairstyle forgivable.
- Her Jake wasn’t all sharp angles and contours. She remembered how much she liked pinching his cheeks. This Jake had chiseled features, nothing to pinch.
- Her Jake didn’t like wearing sunglasses. Even when they went on their hiking trips, he let the sunlight blind him despite Natasha demanding that he needed sunglasses unless he wanted to be visually impaired in his 30s. Jake only scoffed, shooting her a playful grin, making a joke about how much she loved the color of his eyes so he wouldn’t be using sunglasses because it would only “obstruct the view”.
- Her Jake wouldn’t sign up for the military, he was set to be the heir to his family’s bakery business. Jake’s family was the most tight-knit family Natasha’s ever seen. He had grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, all of which she’d met. There was no way he’d leave them for the naval aviator lifestyle.
- Her Jake’s love for Sunshine Falls rivaled her dad’s. There was no way he made the conscious choice of leaving that town.
Natasha’s mental checklist was interrupted when the man standing next to Jake called out to her. “Hey Phoenix, over here!”
Jake finally looked in her direction, dragging his Ray-Bans downwards along the bridge of his nose.
His eyes were all the confirmation Natasha needed. The man in front of her was Jake Seresin, her Jake from ten years ago, she could recognize those soft green eyes anywhere.
But when he flashed her a daredevil smirk, instead of his trademark sweet but cheesy smile, Natasha thought that, perhaps, the soft green eyes was the only thing she knew about him now.
So I peered through a window
A deep portal, time travel
All the love we unravel
And the life I gave away
Apparently, he was called Hangman now. "He likes to leave his teammates out to dry," Payback explained. "that's why he got the callsign."
"It's a defense mechanism!" Coyote defended, ever loyal to his friend. "He likes to say that we should leave 'em before they get a chance to leave us!"
Natasha wondered if that was something Jake believed now, because that was another one on the list of things that her Jake would never do.
"That shit's already gray area on a personal level, but that's a huge red flag for a naval aviator." Fanboy mused. "I don't know how he got accepted into Top Gun."
Because he was good. That was enough, in Natasha's opinion.
Or at least that's what she thought before she got teamed up with him on a standard dogfighting course.
“What the hell was that, Lieutenant?” Natasha seethed. She was beyond pissed that Jake left her and her WSO to rot when he was supposed to have her back. She should be glad that it was a practice run because if it were a real mission, she’d be dead.
She knew that she wasn’t Jake’s favorite person, but she at least hoped that he didn’t hate her enough to actually want her dead.
“What? We won didn’t we?” He replied cockily and Natasha wanted to punch him in his perfect teeth. Those years with braces he had endured would be all for nothing because Natasha was sure if she tried hard enough, she could knock off a couple of his front teeth.
“We won, but at what cost? Someone else’s life?”
“Come on.” He had the audacity to roll his eyes. “This wasn’t the real thing, Trace.”
"That's Lieutenant Commander Trace to you, Lieutenant." She snapped. “Do you know why we have these aerial exercises? It’s to prepare us for the real thing! If you leave me fucking hanging during practice, you will leave me hanging when we go out there in an actual fucking dogfight!”
Jake fixed her with a cold, steely glare. “You, of all people, shouldn’t be lecturing me about leaving someone hanging.”
Natasha’s jaw clamped shut, she glared at him. “Grow up, Seresin, we’re at work. You swore —”
“I don’t keep my word, Lieutenant Commander. Guess I learned from the best.” With that, Jake turned on his heel, attempting to leave. Natasha would be damned if she let him have the last word.
“You do not get to talk to me like that.” She grasped his forearm tightly and willed him to face her, which he did. “I don’t care if you’re pissed at me, Lieutenant, but be pissed at me on your time off.”
Jake merely stared at her, expressionless, so Natasha continued.
“In here, I am your superior officer.” She forcefully asserted. “I’ve been giving you leeway because you’re good at what you do but goddamn it, Jake. Get over it and work with me or you’re leaving me with no choice but to write you up.”
“What did you say?” He looked at her as if she just sucker-punched him.
"I said I would write you up."
"No, before that."
Natasha furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, not knowing what Jake meant.
Jake.
She called him Jake.
Ever since their paths crossed again, Natasha had yet to call him his given name. She always used "Lieutenant" or "Seresin" in a stoic manner, like she'd never held such a candle to that name once upon a time.
The name she once squealed out when he would playfully poke her in the sides when she got too worked up about Family Feud.
The name she often prayed for at night even if she didn't believe in god (she knew that he did, so, she just made it a habit to whisper his name like a soft prayer hoping that whatever god was out there could hear and know that she wanted nothing but the very best of things for Jake).
The name she breathlessly uttered every time they slept together and gives her pleasure like no other.
Jake.
Before she could verbalize the thousand thoughts running through her mind, Jake surged forward and kissed her.
It was all-consuming, like he was pouring ten years worth of his life that she missed into the kiss.
A paradox, that's how she would describe the kiss. It was a blur and a moment of clarity all at the same time. Natasha felt like she was drowning. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think. But Jake was there to save her, breathing air into her suffocated lungs with every soft press of his lips into hers.
Next thing she knew, she was kissing him back and it's like nothing changed between them at all.
'Cause he was sunshine, I was midnight rain
He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain
He wanted a bride, I was making my own name
Chasing that fame, he stayed the same
Natasha breathlessly toppled over the bed. Her ragged breathing was in sync with Jake’s who was comfortably laid on top of her, head pressed to her chest. They fell into bed again and this time because Natasha received news that she was about to be promoted from Lieutenant Commander to Commander.
She didn’t tell him about it, she just knocked on his bunker, and jumped his bones. Something he gladly welcomed and reciprocated.
They've been fooling around for months after the kiss they shared. They never really talked about where they stood but, for now, sleeping around was enough.
Natasha quietly ran her hands through his blonde tresses and he hummed in contentment.
“Do you ever think about us?” He mumbled quietly, as if he was insecure to be asking her about this. “I mean the ‘us’ before all this navy nonsense?”
“I do sometimes.”
“We could never have worked back then.” Jake chuckled sheepishly, admitting their impossibility. Natasha felt comfort radiate through her chest because she was glad that Jake finally saw that they parted ways for a reason, which confirmed that, perhaps, he harbored no resentment towards her.
“We were very different people.” She agreed.
“Yeah, I was a nice guy. I can’t believe it took me a decade to realize that you preferred bad boys.” Jake teased, placing butterfly kisses along her collarbone.
“Maybe the old ladies from church were right.” Natasha laughed, squirming at his kisses. She was still very ticklish and it didn’t help that Jake grew stubbles now. “Half of the time, I don’t know how we managed to make it work.”
Jake paused with his ministrations and looked her straight in the eyes. He was right about her being a sucker for his green eyes, she found herself drowning in them. “Maybe we could make it work now?”
It was like she was doused with ice cold water. Jake was forcibly dragging her back to the conversation they had ten years ago. Ironically, they were also in bed.
“Jake—”
“No, seriously. You said we were different back then, now we’re both the best aviators in the country and we have more in common than we did before—”
“I’m getting promoted.” She interrupted before his excitement overflew and grew uncontrollably.
"What?"
"I'm getting promoted to Commander."
"What does that mean?" He asked dumbly, trying to deny reality when he knew exactly what it meant. More work, more hours, more classified missions, she would have no time for a relationship.
"You know what it means." She mumbled pointedly.
For a moment, Jake went silent, then he detached himself from her. Natasha was getting serious déjà vu, it was like ten years ago all over again.
"So you're telling me that I wasn't enough then and I'm still not enough now?"
"Really? Ten years later and we're still having this discussion?"
"Because I'm never enough for you!" He yelled, coming apart before her, his eyes were a striking green. Like a harsh emerald shade, something Natasha never associated with his eye color given how soft his gaze always was.
The last time this happened, Jake never raised his voice so Natasha remained still, stunned silent. Jake looked at her and his green eyes softened a bit. She knew he felt bad for yelling with the way he slumped his shoulders and mumbled softly.
"I thought it was Sunshine Falls, you know?" He said. "I thought, maybe she wanted to leave because she didn't like it here. She had too many bad memories of this place, of course she hates it. So, I tried to change your mind, tried to make Sunshine Falls a good place for you. Which was crazy because, you were right, that place really doesn't have very much to offer."
Natasha watched him run his hands through his hair in frustration.
"When you called the four years we spent together the 'best' of your life, I allowed myself to hope." He mumbled dejectedly. "But you still left and I still thought that it was Sunshine Falls' fault."
"Jake, it was Sunshine Falls." She said, reaching for him. "It was never you—"
"We're not in Sunshine Falls anymore, Nat! We're on the opposite side of Sunshine Falls, we're finally on the same path and you still think that we can't be."
"That's just it!" Natasha yelled back. "This path was never your plan, Jake, it was mine!"
"What's that supposed to mean?" He demanded.
"This was my dream!" Natasha insisted. "You wanted to become a baker, you liked baking so much, and you were so good at it.”
"I'm good at this too—"
"You are and, trust me, I know that." She tentatively reached out to touch his arm. For a moment, she thought he would shove her hand away, but he reluctantly welcomed her touch. "But living in bunkers inside a cramped air carrier? Eating on tin can plates? Having no idea which part of the country you'll be deployed to next? That's not you."
For each example Natasha enumerated, she thought about her Jake from 10 years ago.
Her Jake liked to have his space on the bed because he often gets cramps. He would take up 75% of the bed space (on a good day) and even with that much space, he still ends up sprawled on top of Natasha, cuddling her and hogging the 25% of bed space left for her.
Her Jake was very particular with kitchenware. Maintaining his grandmother's collection of glassware and china as a child led to the habit. "These are my children, Nat. They're fragile and very high maintenance."
Her Jake liked being in control. It was the one thing he had in common with her, they were pathological control freaks. He liked to plan and Natasha couldn’t shake the feeling that being a Naval Aviator was never a part of his plan.
She felt guilt bubble up from the pit of her stomach. It was an ugly feeling, like a visceral clawing at her insides.
"This was never your dream, it was mine,” Natasha shook her head, forcing the words past the knot blocking her vocal cords. “and it kills me to think that after everything that happened between us, you’ve still put my dreams ahead of yours.”
“Natasha, that’s not what this is.”
“Really, Jake? Can you, honestly, look me in the eye and say that you being here had nothing to do with me?”
He didn’t respond, her Jake had never been a good liar.
“Nothing’s changed in the ten years we’ve been apart.” Natasha smiled sadly. “We both still want the same things and I can’t change who I am, Jake. If you knew me at all, if you loved me at all, you’d know that.”
“Natasha…” He whispered like a prayer, something she was all too familiar with. She whispered his name like that as well: a breathy release mixed with pain, regret, pleading, and love.
She wrapped her arms around him and he wept.
She did too.
They fell asleep tangled in the sheets, their sweat and tears mingled through the night and it was one of the most uncomfortable ways to have fallen asleep, but Natasha wouldn’t have it any other way.
She woke up to an empty bed, empty bunker, empty everything .
The only trace of Jake left was the glass of water he left on the dresser, with a note underneath it. She could recognize that neat, cursive penmanship anywhere.
Natasha,
You were right.
I don’t know why I still feel shocked about that because in our four years together, you were hardly ever wrong.
You were right, I don’t know why I joined the Navy. There was never any assurance that I was going to run into you, I just signed up on a whim. In my defense, I was probably a bit drunk too.
Natasha chuckled and before she knew it, teardrops formed on the piece of paper she was clutching between her fingertips.
I get it now, you’ve always been clear about what you wanted, it was me who didn’t know how to go on without you.
I’m sorry for making you choose between me and your dream, twice.
I thought it was easy because it was the easiest decision in the world for me and now I know why.
It’s because I never had to choose between you or my dreams.
You were my dream, Natasha Trace.
Anyway, you were right, I need to find my own way. A path that does not lead to you, a path that I chose for myself.
I’m gonna stop now because I have to go or else I will stare at you while you’re sleeping and I won’t find it in myself to leave.
This was the second time he's walked out of her life and, this time, it was for good. She felt a warm feeling bloom through her chest. Even though she has broken his heart, yet again, Jake allowed her the kindness of not watching him walk away from her.
You take care of yourself, Commander Trace. I will be rooting for you from a distance.
Yours, Jake.
'Cause he was sunshine, I was midnight rain
He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain
He wanted a bride, I was making my own name
Chasing that fame, he stayed the same
All of me changed like midnight