Work Text:
I’m inside this hellish place with Dazai, we're about to celebrate… whatever victory it is to get rid of Chuuya and Fyodor, when suddenly they talk on the speaker, I’m not really sure what happened but Fyodor and Chuuya were alive. For a split second I could see the horror in Dazai’s face, but my attention was quickly taken when the elevator started to get filled with water. I started to panic instantly, what could we do? Did he have a plan? I sure did not.
Oh God.
Dazai turned to look at me and he opened his mouth to say something, but the lights went off and suddenly I couldn’t see or hear anything… Was this Fyodor’s power? Am I dead? No… I began to feel the warmth of light on my face again. Has he saved me? Have I died for sure now??
I slowly opened my eyes. Where am I? I couldn’t believe it; I sat down in a jump and analyzed the place I was in. A bedroom. It had five beds, counting with the one I was on… wait what.
What the actual fuck.
I rapidly got up and got the fuck out of that room, noticed a staircase in the end of the hallway and ran like my life depended on it.
I could already see the end of the staircase and the downstairs hallway it led to until I-
I tripped.
“Wow there. Good morning for you too.”
I swear I felt my face hit the floor but instead someone caught me. What a familiar voice. I looked up and when I realized who it was it was like my soul left my body.
“You keep falling in here... well, maybe Chuuya is right, we should change these old stairs already. Also, the others are in the kitchen baking a cake, do you wanna come and help?”
Fyodor said with a smile. I couldn’t manage to respond at all. Maybe I hit my head for real… maybe my real punishment was to see him even after death! To see him so calm is, honestly, nothing other than a nightmare.
He gently put me on the floor and grabbed my hand, leading me to another room. There was so much light my eyes took a second to adjust, but when they did, I was sure this was some kind of torture. Chuuya and Dazai, both wearing silly aprons while arguing over whatever was written on a book.
“Uh??!! Can’t you fucking read? It clearly says to add milk!!!” Chuuya screamed while shoving the book in Dazai’s face.
“But- Niko and I are lactose intolerant!” Dazai protested.
“Yeah?! I can’t tolerate you too and you don’t see me whining about it!”
I just stared at them dumb founded, when Fyodor softly laughed and started to walk in their direction.
“There there, if anything we can make two cakes.”
He calmly said, while walking in the middle of them and taking the book. I was terrified, confused, lost even. I tried to pinch myself but nothing happened, no waking up from a very messed up dream… How can this be happening? how is this real- and when I started to get lost in my thoughts a phone rang.
“Alooo!! How’s the shopping going?” Dazai picked it up.
“Put it on speaker!” Chuuya demanded.
“We got a problem…”
I instantly recognized that voice, it was Nikolai, that insane clown.
“The fuck have you bitches done this time??!” Chuuya shouted, and we could hear a sigh from the other side.
“So… the police are here and- they think Atsushi is a kid and we kidnapped him or something.”
Chuuya face palmed and Dazai started to laugh, Fyodor took the phone and started to question Nikolai about what they did to trigger such a situation and where they were. I guess they were going to help them, but when I noticed I was also in the car with them on our way to the shopping.
Every moment that passes I want to kill myself even more.
We got to the supermarket and there they were. Nikolai and that emo child standing next to one of the cashiers and the tiger kid next to the police. Nikolai noticed us and quickly approached us with a wide smile.
“It’s time for a quiz! Can you guess what happened this time??!”
Fyodor just walked past him, heading directly to talk with the police.
“Ding Ding Ding! That’s right! They think we were forcing a random kid to buy us alcohol!”
Chuuya completely ignored Nikolai’s non sense and went to check the groceries, while on that Dazai said hi with his hand to the boys and Akutagawa’s expression automatically changed and he somehow looked more serious than before… these guys are so weird.
I was about to go check more closely what the others were talking with the police when Chuuya lets out a very loud gasp.
“How can you guys mess it up so hard?? No no no! We gave ya’ll the groceries’ list and you guys almost bought total bullshit! This wine it’s not it, I’ll do it myself!”
And just like that he stormed off with Dazai going right after him, Nikolai was about to follow them but Fyodor dragged him back to talk with the policemen. I walked closer to them to see what’s going on.
There was this guy with white and red hair, he was apparently blind, but he could feel Nikolai’s bullshit from miles away. Next to him was this dark-haired dude that, honestly, seemed as brainless as the three he was trying to arrest. They really believed Atsushi was a teen and Akutagawa and Nikolai were some kind of bullies trying to force him to buy them alcohol. Though, with how adamant they were about taking Atsushi with them to the police station, it seemed like they were the ones wanting to kidnap him.
After a long talk of Fyodor trying to prove that not only Atsu was 18, the clown was his boyfriend and the emo the tiger’s and they all knew each other, he finally convinced the policemen and they left.
Now we were waiting for the other two to come back with the groceries, and everyone in the store could feel how fed up Fyodor was, but still letting Nikolai tug onto his arm, and this dumbass looked happy as ever while spilling out non sense to the youngsters. Suddenly Fyodor looked at me and smiled, kissing my check and holding my hand.
“Thank you for being mentally stable and not giving me so much work.”
Mentally stable?? I’m so confused and I swear I’ll go mental at any fucking moment, I can feel my face heat up, I don’t know if of embarrassment or disgust, I could also feel my brain turning off and everything becoming a blur, and the last thing I remember was Nikolai audibly gasping and then jumping on me screaming “Me too! Me too!”.
The moment I woke up again I was laying down on a sofa, seemingly in a living room. I turned my head and Nikolai and Akutagawa were sitting near me on the sofa watching TV. Nikolai noticed me staring and instantly jumped from his seat, I swear, this guy must be constantly on drugs.
“Oh my! It’s quiz time! Do you happen to know what time it is?!!”
I just stared at him confused.
“That’s right! It’s cake time!! It’s almost done!”
“Mhm, that’s right, he has been excited for it this whole time.” Suddenly Atsushi comes in.
“But he almost burned down the kitchen so Chuuya banished him from entering.” Akutagawa added. So, it seems I lost all the fun of making the cake…
Not much more than half an hour later Chuuya walks in holding the cake, still wearing that ugly apron, and followed by Dazai and Fyodor, so everyone gathered around the table to get a taste of the so infamous cake.
“Can’t believe you really used milk in it…”
“Uh?? If you don’t stop crying over it, I’ll kill you before the milk does!”
And there they are at it again… I’m sure lactose intolerance doesn’t even work like that, do Dazai and Chuuya ever have a moment of peace?
“Milk on a camellias cake, how did you even come up with it? Specially flower flavored.” Atsushi questioned.
“I went to Mori’s house to get rid of some of his old stuff and happened to find this recipe book, we opened on a random page and this was it, so we decided to try and make it.” Dazai explained.
And with that a slice of cake was cut for all of us, but nobody seemed to want to be the first to suffer so we just looked at each others for a moment until…
“Well then, thank you for the food!”
Nikolai happily exclaimed before biting into his piece of cake, wasn’t he also lactose intolerant? Still, everyone laughed at that, and then all tried it… and quickly everyone’s expression changed.
“Has… anyone looked up if camellias are even edible?” Fyodor asked. Everyone stared at each other, and in a hurry we all checked our phones.
“It seems like they are but…” Atsushi started.
“The taste just isn’t it.” Akutagawa affirmed.
“It surely could have been poisonous from how bad it is.” Dazai concluded, and everyone seemed to agree.
“Hmph, I just followed the recipe from the book.” Chuuya tried to defend himself.
‘’Well, that explains why the book was forgotten then.” Fyodor said and we all laughed.
“… What if we get Mc Donald’s? Feeling like chicken nuggets!!”
“That’s the smartest thing you said all day, Niko.”
Chuuya mocked, and Nikolai just stared at him like he could murder him right there, everyone laughed at them but also agreed.
So, we all went to the Mc drive thru by car, me and Chuuya had to deal with sitting on Nikolai and Fyodor’s laps, since the car only had five seats. Chuuya is short, and Atsushi dates Akutagawa, which is seated in front next to Dazai, who’s driving, so he was saved.
After we got our orders we ended up stopping the car on a near by park and just sat outside to eat. It was already so dark outside, and I don’t know, for a moment I found myself smiling and getting this comfortable sensation, I felt strangely happy, it surely was a long but fun day…
…wet… I feel cold… I slowly open my eyes… have I fallen asleep on the ride home? I notice Dazai’s holding me… we’re dripping wet… I turn my head and my heart sinks when I see that Chuuya and Fyodor are standing in the other side of this strange room, covered in blood and a sinister expression on their faces, and Fyodor's holding a gun pointed directly at us.
Oh no.