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Changmin sat against the hotel bed’s headboard, hands aching. The Boyz was on tour in Europe, and they had gotten a break today between shows to explore London. Changmin’s body had followed along to their visits to Buckingham Palace and Big Ben, but his brain was somewhere else. He’d felt a strange heaviness weighing on his mind, making him feel as if he wasn’t there. It had culminated in a dizzy spell that caused him to trip and fall on the sidewalk, scratching up the palms of his hands as he caught himself. Although it didn’t hurt too bad, it was still annoying that every slight movement resulted in a twinge of pain, and it had bothered him all day. Now, resting back in the hotel room he shared with Juyeon, he found himself nearly drifting off. He had been so tired recently.
The TV played quietly, a crime investigation show which seemed interesting but was entirely in English, making Changmin lose focus. He yawned. He should probably be going to sleep. It was late, and jetlag was killing him. Looking around for the remote control to the TV, Changmin saw it lying on the bedside table in between his and Juyeon’s beds. It wasn’t far, but to Changmin, it felt kilometers away, his body so heavy that he couldn’t make the small effort to pick it up. Changmin cast his eyes to Juyeon, who lay on the hotel room’s other bed, eyes on his phone. He had good-naturedly accepted Changmin’s choice of show, but had tuned out around the thirty-minute mark, the show being too graphic for him. Although at first glance everything about him was large, stoic, intimidating even, he had always been worse at watching scary things than Changmin. He had shrunk under the covers and started playing some sort of colorful game on his phone when the show got too bad, hair fluffing up behind him on the pillow. Changmin smiled slightly for what might have been the first time that day. Juyeon looked very cozy, all snuggled up like that.
“Juyeon,” he called softly, getting the other boy’s attention. He looked up at Changmin, his catlike eyes bright with interest.
“Can you pass the remote?” Changmin asked. He wouldn’t have asked anyone else in that moment for such a trivial favor, knowing they would have made fun of him for not being able to get it himself, but he knew loyal Juyeon would always accept whatever state he was in. He was always willing to do small things for Changmin, whether that was transferring his laundry or changing their group choreography to what Changmin thought was better.
Sure enough, Juyeon rose out of his horizontal position without question, his large hand wrapping around the remote as he grabbed it and gave it to Changmin. Changmin’s winced, hand smarting with the effort of holding it. Juyeon stared at him, eyes drooped and sleepy. Changmin expected him to return back to his bed, but instead he rolled in next to him, head resting next to Changmin’s side.
Changmin turned the show off, tossing the remote down to the floor. He stared off into the blank TV, head fuzzy, and took a deep breath. He felt like a terrible person. Here he was, having the privilege to travel and see fans all over the world, and he wasn’t even appreciating it. What was wrong with him that he couldn’t enjoy this opportunity?
A soft touch on his hand caused Changmin to look down. Juyeon had laced his fingers with his, tracing the scratches with his thumb. Changmin’s hand wasn’t small, but it looked tiny in comparison to Juyeon’s, his palm dwarfed in the other boy’s grip.
“Does it hurt?” Juyeon asked, his deep, hushed voice making Changmin’s insides do a weird little flip.
“A little,” Changmin admitted, closing his eyes against the strange feeling in his stomach. He opened his eyes again, however, as he felt the quick touch of something wet against his palm. Juyeon looked up at him with innocent eyes as he removed his lips from Changmin’s hand.
“What are you doing?” Changmin asked, unable to keep the nervous giggle out of his voice.
“Kissing it better,” Juyeon responded matter-of-factly. He pecked each red spot quickly, electricity shooting up Changmin’s arm with each kiss. Changmin’s heart skipped a beat at each motion, his breath becoming shaky. It didn’t mean anything, he tried to convince himself. Juyeon could be very touchy and affectionate sometimes; it just meant that he cared about him as a friend.
Changmin wriggled to lie down on his side next to Juyeon, facing him at eye level. Juyeon kept a hold on his hand, having finished his task of smooching every scrape. He gazed into Changmin’s eyes, softly blinking at him. Changmin stared back. Although no words were exchanged, Changmin knew that Juyeon understood how he was feeling, could see the fog that lay thick over his brain. They didn’t have to talk for him to get it.
After a moment, Juyeon lowered his eyes to where their hands were intertwined, his smooth, slender fingers and Changmin’s raw, scratched up palm. Changmin’s forearm was practically the only place that was unmarked by the pavement, the skin still smooth and intact. Juyeon brought their hands closer to his face, close enough that Changmin could feel each warm breath he exhaled. Changmin could tell he was hesitating; he wanted to do something, but was stopping himself. Changmin wondered what.
His question was answered as Juyeon finally pressed his mouth to Changmin’s wrist, his lips lingering for a beat longer than the other times, brushing against his wrist a bit too gently for it to be playful.
There was no scrape there. Juyeon had kissed Changmin’s skin without reason.
Changmin’s chest tightened. What was he trying to do?
Juyeon looked back up at Changmin’s face again, but his eyes were half-lidded, focused on the lower half of Changmin’s face where Changmin had pressed his lips tightly together, muscles in his face feeling taut. Juyeon inched his head closer, Changmin inhaling the freshly-brushed minty scent of his breath. Their faces were centimeters apart. Changmin parted his lips slightly. Was Juyeon actually going to–
Juyeon closed the distance between them, but angled his face at the last moment, kissing Changmin’s cheek softly. He released his lips, keeping his face hovering near Changmin’s, his shoulder and the sloping angle of his neck filling up Changmin’s vision. Slowly, he began to press his lips farther, underneath his ear and down his neck, as if he was attempting to kiss every centimeter of Changmin’s skin. Changmin felt as if the air had been sucked out of him, his breathing coming in shallow, shaky gasps. Juyeon was practically on top of him at this point, one hand still woven with his, his free hand gently resting on Changmin’s hip.
Changmin couldn’t help the squeak that escaped his throat as he was pushed onto his back, Juyeon holding himself up on his forearms above him. Changmin’s heart pounded as he looked up at him with wide eyes, face flushed. Juyeon continued kissing, reaching Changmin’s collarbone with gentle, careful touches of his lips.
“Juyo,” Changmin whispered, the only amount of sound he could produce at the moment, causing the boy to pause, “What are you doing?”
Juyeon’s entire body froze. He sat up abruptly with a gasp, hair flopping into his eyes at the sudden movement. His eyes were rounded and shining, mouth hanging open, seemingly more surprised at himself than at the other boy.
“I– I–” he stuttered, blinking, “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I–”
Juyeon quickly shoved himself off of Changmin, his long legs getting tangled up in the sheets as he attempted to stumble out of the bed. He stood up as he averted his gaze from where Changmin lay still, chest rising and falling in heavy breaths. Changmin watched as he stumbled towards the door, clumsily attempting to pull on his shoes with trembling hands.
“I’ll go see what Eric’s up to,” Juyeon was saying, voice aggressively casual yet with a betraying shakiness, “I should make sure Chanhee hasn’t murdered him yet,” he laughed weakly, patting down his clothing.
Changmin sat up, running his hands through his hair. His heart beat intensely and his vision blurred, as if his body couldn’t quite believe what had just happened. Changmin watched Juyeon pathetically stumble towards the door. Though his brain had been hazy throughout the week, something had changed. Now, one thing was clearly in focus: Juyeon.
“Wait,” Changmin called, Juyeon going still as he spoke. Changmin eased himself off the bed, putting a hand on Juyeon’s arm to turn the boy towards him. Changmin attempted to make eye contact, but Juyeon kept his eyes cast to the floor, shoulders hunched.
“I’m so sorry,” Juyeon pleaded, “You probably feel so uncomfortable. I understand if you hate me. I don’t know what came over me–”
Changmin pulled the boy towards him, silencing Juyeon as he pressed his lips into his. He felt Juyeon’s body relax under his grip, leaning into their embrace as he brought his arms around Changmin. Changmin sighed against Juyeon’s mouth, allowing his weight to be supported by Juyeon’s arms. Eventually, he had to pull away, breathing the shared air between their faces deeply.
Changmin felt his head clear. A weight had been lifted out of his mind, making him feel alive for the first time in weeks. He knew a simple kiss wouldn’t cure him completely, but with Juyeon there he felt like it might be easier to overcome.
He looked at Juyeon, whose face had softened, touching his forehead against his.
As he went in for another kiss, he couldn’t stop his smile.
This was better.
This was much, much better.