Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"I have something to tell you."

The three of them stand there for a moment in silent shock. My voice is raw and hoarse, partially from my time in the hospital I’m sure, but mostly because it’s the first time I’ve had the courage to speak in almost four years.

"S-Sunny?" Hero finally says.

"You're awake!" Kel shouts, offering a worried smile.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" Aubrey asks.

"Hold on, guys," Hero interrupts, shaking his head. "Sunny said he has to tell us something."

He looks back at me. "It must be something important. Right?"

He’s looking at me with so much compassion. Like a big brother. Like he used to.

Anxiety threatens to take over and take away my words again. I don’t deserve a big brother. I calm down, taking a deep breath. Focus, Sunny. I persist through the feeling, knowing that this is my last chance. If I don't tell them the truth now, they’ll never know. They’ll live their whole lives believing Mari did it to herself. 

Believing that they could’ve done something about it.

The pressure weighing down on me is more than just the guilt of my own actions. It’s also the guilt that I helped Basil cover up my tracks. It’s the guilt that we took away Aubrey, Kel, and Hero’s peace of mind for four years.

 We turned what could have been a horrible accident into a curse that followed us. I'd long forgiven Basil for what he did. He was just a kid. He was afraid...

I was just a kid.

I look back to the three of them. Stop going in circles. They've suffered long enough. They don’t need this pain to follow them for the rest of their lives.

"Mari didn't kill herself," I breathe.

I watch as Hero's face pales.

"What?" he asks, disbelief dripping in his voice. "What do you mean, Sunny?"

Kel and Aubrey's eyes bore holes through my chest. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

"It was—it was an accident," I force out, tears blurring my vision. "I'm sorry."

"An accident?" Aubrey scoffs. "What are you talking about, Sunny?! She hung herself!"

"N-no—that's not-"

"Wait, Aubrey, let's hear the whole story," Kel offers, unable to hide the pure terror on his face.

"I—" Hero starts. "I don't understand."

The three go silent once more, their expressions indescribable. Kel's eyes are pleading with me. Tell them it isn't true. Sunny, what are you saying?

Calm down. Focus.

Persist.

I press my nails into my bicep, half as an attempt at self-soothing and half as an anxious reflex.

"The day of the recital...Mari and I were fighting. We fought a lot those days. We practiced every day, but we still weren’t perfect…”

I still wasn’t perfect.

I glance up at them, as if to make sure they’re still there, still real, before staring back down at my socked feet.

"It was the last day—the last few hours we had, and we were still practicing. I was frustrated. Mari was frustrated. I just wanted a break. I just wanted to stop—"

Tears catch in my throat and I have to pause again. I take another deep but shaky breath, forcing myself to keep going.

"It happened so many times before. I was going to go to our room and lock myself inside, just until I could calm down. But this time Mari followed me…”

"She was shouting at me—she was really mad. I just couldn't understand why she was so mad, when I was trying so hard..."

"I got really angry. Without thinking, I threw my violin down the stairs and it—it broke into a million pieces at the bottom. And that's when Mari lost it—"

LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

Mari never screamed at me like that before. She was so sweet and kind and caring to me. She taught me how to pack my own school lunch. She helped me get dressed to go out and play in the snow. She saved me when I nearly drowned. 

Just like back then, I'm staring at my feet. Ashamed. But I have to face them this time. 

I look at Hero. He's not looking back at me, though—he's looking behind me, at the wall. 

There is nothing behind me. There never was. He just can't look at me.

I look at Aubrey. She’s facing Basil, her hands tightly gripping the rails of his hospital bed, her bubblegum pink hair hiding her eyes from me.

I look at Kel, who meets my glance. Still hopeful.

"She was yelling at me, like she'd never yelled at me before, and I was scared—so I started to run away, but she reached out to grab me and I shoved her away, and—"

I’M NOT DONE TALKING!

Kel frowns, his eyes going wide.

"I pushed her down the stairs. She let out a huge scream, but it was too late. And then she went silent."

Aubrey finally burst out crying, bringing her hands to her face. Startled, Kel runs over to her, hugging her tightly. For a few moments, we all stand in silence as Kel comforts Aubrey and her howls fill the room.

"Why was she hanging from a tree?" Hero asks, meeting my gaze in disgust. Kel looks at me out of the corner of his eye, revealing his own betrayal.

Calm down. Calm down.

I look at Basil, happy he’s alive. I wonder if anyone is still happy I’m alive, now that they know the truth.

"When I walked down the stairs to see if Mari was alright, I realized Basil was there. He watched our fight. He saw her face before I did. He knew she was...gone before I did.

"I couldn't admit to myself that Mari died—that I killed her. I thought there was still hope. Maybe when mom got home...maybe she could do something. But Basil just kept telling me Mari was gone.

"We sat there with her for a long time. Basil finally took me by the shoulders and he shook me and—and he told me everything would be okay. He told me he’d take care of everything. 

“He asked me to help him. We carried Mari outside, and Basil found our jump rope in the yard. He tied it into a noose... and then he asked me to help him... hold her body up. 

“He pushed our toybox up to the trunk of the tree and stepped up onto it, since he wasn’t tall enough to reach. When he was done, he told me to let the body go.

“Then he took my hand in his and told me not to look back…

But we both did, and what we saw haunted us, and that’s why…

“He led me back inside the house and we both sat on the couch and just…waited.”

Waited for something to happen. Waited to wake up from reality.

"Basil did that?" Kel asks. "How did Basil know how—"

He stops himself, but I already know what he was going to ask. How did Basil know how to tie a noose?

We were twelve. Why would either of us know how to tie a noose? I thought about it a lot over the last four years, but at the time, it didn't strike me as odd. I wasn't thinking clearly. If I was, I never would have left Basil alone.

I should never have left Basil alone, anyway. That's why Basil doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

That's why he tried to kill me.

"Why would Basil do that?" Kel asks, looking down at Basil.

"It's my fault," I quickly jump in. "He was just trying to protect me...he was afraid... It's my fault. I'm the one who killed Mari."

"It was really an accident," Hero says, looking down at Basil's chest as it oscillates gently. Silent tears fall from his eyes, sinking into the thin fabric of Basil’s hospital blanket below. "It was an accident the whole time."

"Basil wanted to tell you all!" I shout. "He wanted to...I know it. But—how could he? I locked myself up...I left him all alone...I left you all alone... I'm the one who couldn't handle the truth...that’s—that's why—" I bring my hand to my bandaged eye as it starts to pulsate with pain. I’m starting to get dizzy. I can't continue.

I collapse.

---

Preface: In defense of Sunflower

Considering you clicked on/searched up a Basil/Sunny fic, I may be preaching to the choir, but I'm attaching this to my chapter 1 anyway since I think it needs to be said. (Feel free to skip!)

In this fic I hope in one way or another I can show that Sunflower can be a healthy ship. I didn’t even realize people thought it was inherently toxic/irredeemable until after I spent time on Wikia and Reddit doing research for this fic, and while I can understand that YES it can definitely go down the toxic route, I also believe that both Sunny and Basil CAN HEAL (and are even alluded to start healing in the secret ending) and are capable of having a healthy relationship together. 

In my opinion Sunflower always felt natural to me and when I played as Sunny in my first playthrough I wanted to reach out to/protect Basil after seeing how close they were as children through headspace and how anxious and unwell he was in the real world (and during my husband’s playthrough he felt the same way, getting frustrated when the game forces you to leave Basil in the bathroom alone on 3 days left, for example). Even though headspace is a more romanticized version of Sunny’s memories, that just supports my point that he treasured Basil so much, foreshadowed by the fact that Basil going “missing” is what sets off the chain of events that lead to Sunny finally accepting the truth.

I don’t jump straight into romance with this fic whatsoever--most of it is focused on Sunny and Basil healing together over time and overcoming their fear of having lost their friends. I feel like the game itself ends with Sunny overcoming his guilt over causing Mari’s death, with the Somethings disappearing in the secret ending also insinuating that Basil has overcome his guilt with being involved and staging it as a suicide. However, as most people have pointed out, trauma doesn’t just disappear like that, and the news is still fresh to their other friends, who now have to grapple with this new information whilst also being there for Basil and Sunny after learning that they’ve been dealing with this trauma alone for the past four years. 

In this fic while their friends are working on trusting them again, Sunny and Basil are reunited and working through how to live life again. It makes the most sense that they would want to do this together , since they went through the same trauma and understand their situation better than any of their other friends. I also don’t agree with the idea that either of them would have a lasting grudge against each other--if Sunny really disagreed with Basil’s suggestion to stage the suicide to the point of hating him, he wouldn’t have gone along with it. Both of them were disoriented and terrified and panicked but they both made that decision, however horrible it was, even if it was initially Basil’s idea. And it also makes sense to me that Basil would forgive Sunny for holing himself up for 4 years (and in doing so breaking the promise to be there for each other) after Sunny literally risked his life to save Basil (after Aubrey pushed him off the pier) and actually saved him a second time by preventing his suicide. He also finally mustered up the courage to tell everyone the truth, which took a huge weight off of Basil’s shoulders. In performing those exceedingly difficult actions Sunny proved that even though he grieved the way he did, it wasn’t with the intention of leaving Basil alone--it was the only way he knew how to deal with his guilt and the loss of Mari… 

TL;DR everything points towards the both of them starting to heal both individually and in their relationship.

To address some specific critiques I’ve seen of their pairing: 1) It’s wrong to assume that they wouldn’t be able to see each other/would trigger each other for months or even years after the truth is told. They weren’t the direct cause of each other’s trauma--they were both involved in a horrible accident that they are both healing from. I think people forget that these two were extremely close friends until Mari’s death and then didn’t see each other for four straight years--it’s not like they became each other's worst enemies without even seeing each other. 2) People also seriously antagonize these children and call Sunny a murderer and suggest that Basil should be going to juvie and that just…is not right for me. Maybe it’s because I’m a fully grown adult and look at what happened as an awful fucked up accident that NEITHER of them should be legally punished for. So while Basil being portrayed as an innocent femboy who did nothing wrong is not entirely accurate, the fandom wanting to see a reprieve from the self hatred he went through for four years is more than valid and a possible outcome for him!

3) Even if Basil did have a crush on Sunny (which in my headcanon he did, but I think it’s up for interpretation), I also don’t personally make the assumption that Basil had some kind of unhealthy obsession or emotional dependence on Sunny specifically. Almost all the characterization we get for these kids as their younger selves is through Headspace where, again, things are certainly more idealized, but still based in the truth of how they used to interact. In Headspace (especially in the Switch release of the game) we’re shown that Basil is the only person Sunny willingly holds hands with (in their tag photos; I also noticed Basil is the only character Omori makes eye contact with here, albeit that permanent emotionless look is still plastered on his face) and they do look to be the best friends of the group. It is entirely normal for children to form deep and strong connections with one another. (Furthermore, Sunny is shown to have had a canon crush on Aubrey, which Aubrey more than returns in Headspace, but it is rarely argued that Sunny and Aubrey have an unhealthy or obsessive relationship towards each other.)

In my interpretation the biggest reason why Basil’s as anxious and mentally unstable as he in the present is is not solely because of Sunny “abandoning” him, but more so because of 1) guilt, 2) the grief of losing a close friend as a child in such a horrific, traumatizing way, and 3) the fact that he’s lost basically all of his friends and closed himself off and now is about to lose his grandma too by the start of the game. 

People obviously feel very strongly about their interpretations but adopting such an extreme stance on anything that is left intentionally open by the developers and then using that opinion to morally deprecate others is simply not right in my opinion.

Hopefully I’ve helped at least one person to see that they can heal and that their relationship, whether it ends up platonic or romantic, can be healthy and mutually fulfilling post-true ending.

Chapter Text

When I wake up, the colors of the sunset are casting a colorful glow onto the hospital ceiling above me.

“Hey Sunny,” Hero whispers, announcing his presence. I look over to him groggily. He’s the only one in the room. “How are you feeling?”

I push myself up to a seated position, bringing my hands to my head. It still hurts.

“We all talked about what you told us,” Hero continues. I look back to him, realizing that it really wasn’t a dream. I try to default to a blank stare, but secretly, emotions overwhelm me. Should I be relieved? Why hasn’t Hero left my side yet?

“It’s a lot to take in,” Hero says. “Losing Mari…was really hard for all of us. But it was obviously even harder for you. She was your sister. And…it was a horrible accident. We don’t blame you for what happened, Sunny…”

I nod, tears coming to my eye. Relief overwhelms me, like a dam breaking in my heart. I take a deep breath. Hero looks at the clock in the corner of the room, then back at me.

“That doesn’t mean we can all just move on like nothing happened. What you and Basil did to hide it was wrong—and the fact that you spent so long keeping that a secret from us was even worse. We could have been there for you, Sunny. I could have been there for you. And if I knew—” Hero pauses, choking down his impending tears. “If I knew it was all an accident, it wouldn’t have hurt so much.”

“I’m sorry,” I say. I really am. It’s all I can think to say. Hero nods, standing up and looking away from me.

“It’s going to take us time to really trust you and Basil again,” he says. “So be there for Basil, Sunny. Right now, he needs you more than ever.”

Basil, who knew how to tie a noose at twelve years old. Basil, who came up with the idea to cover my tracks…who wanted to protect me. 

Basil, who tried to kill himself last night. 

I nod, but of course Hero doesn’t see me. I suspect he’s ready to head out with those words.

“But Sunny?” Hero continues, to my surprise.

“…yeah?” I croak. He turns around, his expression transformed entirely.

He’s… smiling?

“I’m glad you’re still here. I just want you to know that, okay?”

I can’t help but break down at those words. Tears flood my narrowed vision completely and choking sobs echo within the barren room. I try to calm down but nothing works: I can’t breathe. I can’t focus. All I can do is sit with the feeling of regret. I wish I had told Hero earlier. I wish I had told everyone earlier. If I did, Basil wouldn’t be in the hospital. I wouldn’t be in the hospital. 

But Mari still wouldn’t be here, I remind myself. Because I killed her.

“It’s okay,” Hero whispers. He wraps his arms around me gently, his touch light despite the feelings which must be overwhelming him as well. I return the hug, holding onto him until I calm down. I missed Hero. I missed him, but being around him for the last three days filled me with unspoken dread. The thought that he might never forgive me—that if he knew the truth, he’d never want to see me again—made me avoid him and the others for years. Now that that intense fear is gone, the reminder that this might be the last day we see each other makes me not want to let go.

Eventually, Hero’s comfort calms me down and the tears dry up. I lean back into my bed and focus on my breathing. Hero turns the TV on the wall to a sports channel and sits beside me as I start to get sleepy.

Chapter Text

“It’s dinner time, sweetie,” a nurse wakes me. The ceiling above me has returned to a stark, fluorescent white, and the window in my room reveals a twilit sky. While I was sleeping Hero must have slipped out, leaving the TV on a boring baseball game.

“Thank you,” I say, sitting up in bed as the nurse moves the serving table over my legs, placing the round covered tray of food on top.

“You were asleep when we were taking orders, so I brought you the chicken option. I hope that’s okay.”

I nod, opening the tray. There’s a small chicken breast, a side of mashed potatoes, five or six baby carrots, a cup of red jell-o and a half pint of 2% milk. It looks…fine.

“Do you need anything else before I leave?” she asks me.

“I—yes, well…I have a question,” I start.

“Anything!” she says, smiling.

“Has my mom come to visit?” I ask. She looks a little taken aback by that, but recovers her smile quickly.

“Not yet, kiddo. She did call us on the phone, though. She’s been busy with the moving company and everything, and since this… accident was so unexpected, she hasn’t had time to check in. But don’t worry, we let her know your condition.”

My condition? 

“And…how is my condition?” I ask.

“Oh! I’m sorry! I just started my rotation, so I wasn’t sure if you’d been spoken to…we’re a little understaffed,” she sighs, flipping through the documents on her clipboard. “You arrived with a deep puncture wound to your eye and some minor damage to the eyelid and socket. We didn’t have a lot of information about the incident…but the doctor noted that the weapon was a 2-to-3-inch-long sharp instrument, and there was quite a bit of debris in the wound. Unfortunately, the doctor made the tough decision to remove the eye, since it was so badly damaged. But we can certainly talk about prosthetic options once your wound heals up.”

“Oh,” I say, reaching for my bandages. It doesn’t feel any different, aside from the occasional aches that come and go. I must be on some pretty serious painkillers. “When will I be able to go home?”

“The doctor wants to observe you for a while longer. Your bloodwork came back with few abnormalities—nothing serious, but with your injury we want to make sure you’re in a safe place to heal. We don’t have an exact date, but you should be cleared for discharge by this weekend,” the nurse says, offering another smile.

I nod, poking at my food with the fork.

“Do you have any other questions, dear?” she asks.

“I’m okay,” I sigh, stirring the milky potatoes. “Thank you.”

 I look up at her, offering a small smile.

“Of course! If you need anything, don’t hesitate to use the call button. I’ll be here all night.”

As unappetizing as the food looks, I manage to swallow a few spoonfuls of mashed potatoes and finish the chicken breast. I haven’t eaten since last night, and before Hero came back and started watching over Kel and I, I wasn’t really eating three meals a day. I was used to going long periods of time between meals, especially since mom started working longer hours to make up for the time she’d be taking off to move. It’s a little embarrassing that I have so much trouble taking care of myself at my age, but it’s just something I learned to live with.

Once I finish eating, I look at the time. It’s a little after 8pm. It’s already early August, and the sun has been setting earlier every day. Until autumn, the sunset creeping in earlier and earlier usually doesn’t bother people—or rather, it usually goes unnoticed, it seems. But being stuck at home, it’s always a relief when the days get shorter and the nights longer. 

I’ve always paid close attention to time passing by. I wonder if Basil thinks about this too—about how the subtle differences in seasons affect the flowers in his garden. 

I’m sure he does.

Basil. 

‘So be there for Basil, Sunny. Right now, he needs you more than ever.’

I push the serving table away and throw the hospital sheet off my legs. The world spins as I stand up and I cradle my head, waiting for it to subside before shaking myself off. 

I remember the way to his room from earlier today. Before entering Basil’s room, I knock gently on the doorframe. He stirs as I approach his bedside, and by the time I reach him his eyes are fluttering open.

I smile at him as he slowly comes to, his eyes glossy from sleep.

“Hey Basil,” I say, happy tears coming to my eye. “They forgave us, Basil. Everything is ok, just like you said it would be.”

Basil closes his eyes again, releasing a deep sigh as his lips naturally press themselves into a smile. He looks so unbelievably better than last night, even with two black eyes.

“I’m so sorry…that I broke my promise,” I continue, my voice shaky. “I’m sorry…that I wasn’t there for you…”

“I forgive you,” Basil says immediately, opening his eyes. “Please stay for a while, Sunny. I want to hear your voice.”

I nod, taking a seat in the squishy plastic-lined visitor’s chair beside him.

“H-how are you feeling?” he asks me, awkwardly glancing at me and then back to the ceiling. The smile on his face hasn’t faded. I’m assuming the rush of adrenaline has given him the courage to finally speak to me normally, one on one.

“I’m doing good,” I say. “Really good.”

“R-really? Even…with your eye?” he asks, slurring his words slightly. I can tell he’s sleepy.

“Yeah, Basil. It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it,” I say, touching my bandages again. Maybe I’d care more if I wasn’t contemplating suicide for the past several years of my life. To me, losing just my eye was a miracle. “If it wasn’t for you, Basil…I don’t think I would’ve been able to tell them.”

“To be honest, I’m in shock,” Basil says. “I thought I’d be alone forever. Alone…with everything. I’m sorry I pushed you away, Sunny…I—”

“I know,” I stop him. “I’m glad you’re still here, Basil. Hero said those words to me earlier today. I’m sure you need to hear them, too.”

Basil looks at me, tears in his eyes.

“I really missed you, Sunny,” he says, rubbing his eyes. “I didn’t know what I did would make it worse—I don’t know what I was thinking—”

“Basil, it’s okay,” I say. “I’m not going to leave you ever again.”

“B-but—you’re moving away,” he says through tears.

“No, I’m not,” I say, throwing my face into my hands. My head throbs as I do so, worsening my mood. “I don’t want to. I never wanted to. Especially not now…”

Not now, when I’m finally deciding to live. I never planned on moving away…in the first place.

“H-hey,” Basil says, forcing himself upright. He steps gingerly to the floor, his green non-slip socks stumbling onto my blue ones. He hugs me, resting his damp cheek on my shoulder. “It’s alright, don’t cry. Today is a happy day, after all. Isn’t it?”

Today was an exhausting day. Maybe even the most exhausting day of my life.

I hug Basil back, trying not to cling too tightly to his bruised body. I couldn’t keep my promise to him for four years. Four long, hard, lonely years in a headspace I couldn’t escape. I want to keep my promise now.

“Why don’t you…what don’t you stay with me and Polly?” Basil asks. “I can help you with school! Please, Sunny! I don’t want to be alone anymore…”

“Are you sure?” I ask, my mind racing. I don’t want to be alone, either. No, I can’t be alone. And living with Mom is just like being alone…with a ghost hovering over your shoulder.

“Polly really likes you, Sunny,” Basil smiles, holding me at an arms-length. “Just before—before grandma passed away—I was finally feeling hopeful again. It was because of you coming back. I didn’t even care if I needed to keep the secret. I just wanted to see you again.”

“You should hate me, Basil,” I say, looking away. “I mean…look at what I did to you.”

“I was going to kill myself, Sunny!” he snaps, digging into my shoulders. I flinch, although I already knew it was true.

“Because of me ,” I cry.

“Why can’t you let me take accountability for my part?” he says. “I did nothing but sit around and wait. I was afraid, too…”

We sit there for a minute in silence then, Basil sitting three-quarters of the way on my lap.

“I’m sorry…” Basil says, breaking the silence and scooching back onto his bed.

“No, you have every right to be angry with me,” I say. “We should…we should deal with how we feel, together . Better late than never.”

“Okay,” he nods, letting a little yawn slip out. “I’m going to tell Polly about our idea. You should talk to your mom. This seems…really important to you.”

“I’ll try to get ahold of her in the morning. You should get some rest,” I nod.

“You too,” Basil nods, his eyelids heavy. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

I nod, heading back into the hallway. Unexpectedly, the nurse from earlier is stationed directly outside of Basil’s door, pushing a medicine cart. She stops me, waving me over.

“Hey, are you the patient from room 19B?” she whispers.

I nod, nervous. I probably shouldn’t have left my room like this.

“I might have overheard some of your conversation just now. Do you and your friend need help?” she asks, serious.

“H-help?” I ask, feigning confusion.

“You both talked rather… casually about suicide,” she says. “And no one could explain where either of your injuries came from, or why you would be physically violent towards each other.”

My mind starts to go blank. In five minutes, this woman uncovered more problems with the state of my mental health than my mother had in four years. Part of me is still in denial—it’s really not a mental health issue if it’s just the logical conclusion to a series of horrible mistakes, is it? If it was true that my friends only loved a version of me founded on a lie, I really was better off dead.

But I never wanted Basil to do that . And even after hearing everything, Hero said he was glad I didn’t do it either.

“I’m okay,” I say, shaking my head, though I can’t hide my fear that she might pry for more. I turn to leave, beelining for my room, as if the nurse doesn’t know exactly where that is.

“W-wait!” she shouts, but I don’t look back. As I get back into bed, I nearly collapse from exhaustion.

Chapter Text

Basil wakes up as the sun is rising. It’s too early for breakfast, so he adjusts his bed and lies there, watching the sky transform.

That’s right. He needs to call Polly. He looks around, but there aren’t any landlines in the room. He supposes this is to be expected. Whenever his grandma was in the hospital, she would have a phone—but this is the pediatric ward. Children generally have more restrictions on those sorts of things.

Basil doesn’t want to bother anyone about it so early in the morning, so he just mulls on it by himself. 

This is something he’s good at. 

He knows that Ms. Polly won’t mind Sunny staying with them…at least for a while. But Sunny is still technically a kid, and he doesn’t want her to take on more work without being compensated. Besides, he doesn’t even know if she’ll continue living with him for very long.

That’s where things get complicated. Basil wonders how he’s going to talk to his parents about this. His grandma’s address book has their cellphone numbers in it, but they’re always busy. Basil isn’t even sure where they’re working or what the time difference is for them right now. He always told himself that not having them around didn’t bother him. But now that grandma is gone, he wonders how things will change.

Basil shakes his head, trying to free his mind from the thought. Ms. Polly would probably help him talk to them. She works for them, after all, so she needs to contact them frequently. In fact, she talks to them more often than he does.

While he was mulling over these thoughts, the nurse slipped in. She startles him when she places his breakfast tray on the serving table beside him.

“Sorry!” she says, smiling. “Breakfast time.”

“N-no, it’s all right! Thank you so much,” Basil says, nodding repeatedly. It’s his first meal since arriving at the hospital, and he’s starved. He hopes it’s something he can eat.

“Your guardian told me you’re a vegetarian, so we brought a special meal for you,” the nurse says. “I think you’ll like it.”

“O-oh, you didn’t have to do all that for me,” Basil says, though secretly relieved. He opens the tray. It’s a bowl of hot oatmeal with walnuts and syrup, a carton of milk, and a fruit cup on the side. “It looks great. Thank you.”

“No problem at all,” the nurse says. “That’s what I’m here for.”

Basil tries a spoonful of oatmeal, savoring the sweet maple taste. He takes a few more bites before realizing that the nurse hasn’t left his side yet.

“I-I’m sorry,” he says. “Do you need anything else?”

“I just wanted to make sure you have an appetite,” the nurse lies effortlessly. “It’s your first meal since you arrived, isn’t it?”

“Y-yes, it is,” Basil says. “It’s very good. I was starving.”

“That’s good to hear. If you need anything, just use the call button, ok? No leaving the room on your own yet. If you get dizzy, we don’t want you to fall and hurt yourself.”

“Yes ma’am,” Basil says.

“Oh! Feel free to call me Joanne, Basil.”

“Y-yes, Ms. Joanne.”

…

I wake up to a gentle hand nudging my shoulder.

“Hey, breakfast time,” a familiar voice calls to me in a half-asleep daze. I open my eyes. It’s the nosy nurse from yesterday.

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” the nurse, who I finally learn is named Joanne, says to me. “You’ve probably never been approached about those feelings…especially at your age.”

I nod, staying silent. She forces on a customer service smile, swinging my serving tray over my lap and adjusting my bed.

“You’re in for a treat today. It’s a hot breakfast,” she says, placing the tray down. 

I open the tray. Eggs, toast, bacon and orange juice. It’s actually palatable.

“Do you mind if we chat a bit?” Joanne asks. I look up at her, then back down at the food.

“I guess,” I say, stabbing the carton of orange juice with a straw and taking a sip. It’s sweet.

“Before I became a nurse, I worked for a crisis hotline. We were taught that the more upfront you are with someone regarding suicide, the more likely it is for your words to sink in. If you just vaguely offer someone help, or say you’re ‘there for them,’ it’s a lot easier for them to ignore you and go about doing whatever they plan on doing. But once you blankly call them out, you give them a reason to engage with you.”

“I’m not planning to kill myself…anymore,” I respond.

She nods, handing me a teal business card.

“You might not want it right now, but this card has a lot of resources you might need in the future. You don’t have to feel suicidal. Even if you just need someone to talk to, don’t be afraid to reach out.”

I stare at the card for a minute, then hand it back to her.

“Can you put it with my belongings…so I don’t lose it?” I ask. She nods, smiling and taking it back.

“Thank you for accepting it,” she says. “I’ll get out of your hair now. But Sunny? Next time you want to visit your friend, just press the call button, ok?”

I nod. Joanne leaves then, pushing along her cart of breakfast trays.

Chapter Text

Something is really gone. I touch the mirror in front of me, watching my fingertips meet their reflections in the cold mirror. It’s only me. I wash my hands and wipe them dry on my hospital gown.

The fragrances of all the flowers in my room help calm me down. I want Basil to see them, but I don’t want him to feel weird, or lonely. He only received a single flower from Kel, Hero, and Aubrey. I pick up the sunflowers—Basil’s favorite—and use the call button on my bed to get Joanne’s attention.

Before long she comes in, that perpetual smile on her lips.

“Hello, Sunny. Everything alright?” she asks. “I see you’re up and about.”

“Yes. I want to go see Basil,” I tell her.

“Are you going to bring him some of your flowers? That’s very thoughtful of you.”

“He likes them more than me, anyway,” I say plainly. I start to walk toward the door and Joanne puts one hand on my back, guiding me to his room. 

When we arrive, Polly is on the seat beside him. I notice she brought him a small bouquet of daisies, which are now sitting on the ground beside the chair.

“Sunny!” Polly says, standing up. “It’s so good to see you!”

I nod, smiling weakly at her. “Good to see you.”

“Are those for Basil?” she asks, motioning to the flowers in my hands. I nod.

“Sunflowers,” Basil says, smiling. “Thank you, Sunny.”

My smile grows as he speaks with such a warm tone to his voice--something only Basil has the power to do.

Polly stretches out her arms, offering me a hug. Nervously, I accept it, and she holds me tight.

“Basil told me that he invited you to move in with us,” Polly says. “I think it’s a wonderful idea. He really needs a friend right now.”

My cheeks flush as she speaks to me so sweetly. I nod, looking to Basil for guidance.

“Sunny still needs to talk to his mom—don’t you, Sunny?” he asks, prompting Polly to free me from her hold. “Polly has a cell phone you can borrow.”

“O-oh, thank you,” I say as Polly hands me her green flip phone. “Are you really sure it’s alright?”

“Of course,” Polly says, nodding to me. “You need time to rest somewhere nearby. You shouldn’t be worrying about such a big move while you’re still recovering. If you need anything, you can just put me on the phone.”

I nod, heading to the bathroom. I don’t really want an audience for the call, but I know I can’t wander off either. I close the door behind me, taking a seat on the toilet.

I dial mom’s cell phone number. It rings one, two, three times…I start to wring my hands, begging she’ll pick up. After the sixth ring, she finally answers.

“Hello?”

“H-hi mom,” I say. “It’s Sunny.”

“Sunny? Is that really you?” she asks, breathless. “Sorry—of course it’s you. It’s just a shock to hear your voice.”

“Yeah,” I say.

“I’m sorry I haven’t come to visit you yet. I’m just so busy dealing with the moving company,” she says. “Are you calling from the hospital phone? They told me you didn’t have a landline in your room.”

“No, this is Polly’s cellphone,” I say. “She’s Basil’s caretaker.” 

“B-Basil?” my mom echoes. “Is Basil visiting you in the hospital?”

“No…Basil is in the hospital, too,” I sigh. “It’s a long story.”

“Oh, I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone,” my mom says, disappointment obvious in her voice. “Well, listen, Sunny. Just hang in there until I can pick you up, alright? I can come this evening—”

“I’m not ready to get picked up,” I interrupt. “The doctors want to keep me here longer.”

“Then let’s talk about this when I visit later,” she says.

“We all made up, mom,” I burst out. “Aubrey, Kel, Hero, Basil, and I. We all made up. They know everything.”

My mom goes silent on the other end of the line for a beat too long.

“M-mom?” I call. I can hear her quietly whimpering. “I’m sorry, mom.”

“No, that’s not it,” she says, tears in her voice. “I’m proud of you, Sunny.”

Chapter Text

A knocking at the bathroom door draws my attention. I’ve been sitting on the floor in tears, cradling Polly’s cell phone since mom and I hung up. 

I’ve been crying a lot these last two days…somehow more than usual.

“Hey, it’s Joanne, Sunny,” Joanne calls from the other side of the door. “Can you unlock the door for me?”

I do as she asks, using the wall to help me stand up and unlocking the door.

“Hey, are you alright?” she asks. Polly and Basil are standing behind her, giving me matching looks of worry. “Basil called me. He was worried about you.”

“I’m okay,” I say, handing the cell phone back to Polly. Basil offers me a tissue, which I take to wipe the tears from my eye.

He leads me to the seat by his bedside and I sit down.

“What did your mother say, dear?” Polly asks.

“She said I could stay with you two for a while,” I say, leaning back into my chair. My head is throbbing.

“That’s great news!” Polly smiles. “Did you hear that, Basil?”

Basil puts his palm on my shoulder, squeezing me slightly. His worried expression still hasn’t changed.

“Aren’t you happy?” I ask him.

“Of course I am,” he says. “But you don’t look too good, Sunny. I think you should go back to your room and rest.”

“That might be for the best,” Joanne agrees. “Basil, could you walk him back while I have a word with your guardian?”

“Y-yes!” Basil says, taking my hand and helping me up. “Let’s go, Sunny.”

As he leads me from the room, I look back to see Joanne waving at me. I give a small wave back.

“I wonder what they need to talk about,” Basil contemplates aloud. All the talking I’ve been doing is making my throat sore and my head light, and I decide that might be a topic better left untouched. 

It’s our first moment truly alone together. Basil helps me into bed, tucking the sheets beneath me.

“You sure did get a lot of flowers, huh?” Basil says, looking around the room happily. “I didn’t know you had so many friends.”

It hurts to hear the tinge of envy in his voice, but what he’s said isn’t true. I don’t really have many friends. I was just trying to put a little bit of good into the world before I finally left.

Trying to recreate myself. To change the person people remembered me to be.

But during that time, Basil was still all alone. I shake my head.

“You should take some back to your room,” I suggest. “You deserve them more than I do.”

“N-no, that’s not what I meant!” Basil says, his face turning rouge. 

“I insist,” I say, shaking my head. “They’ll only die if I’m left to take care of them.”

Basil sighs. “Well, that’s probably true,” he concedes, picking up a square pot of purple flowers and lifting them to his nose. 

“How are you feeling, Basil?” I ask sleepily.

“I’m a little sore,” he says, stretching, “but I’m doing fine overall. The doctors are actually discharging me tonight…”

“That’s great!” I say. That’s great, but… “I’m stuck here a little longer, I guess.”

I can’t help but frown. I wonder if anyone will visit me.

“Just a little longer,” Basil says, keeping a smile on his face. “A little longer and we’ll be together. Things might never go back to the way they were, but that’s okay. So…Sunny?”

“Yeah?” I answer, meeting his happy gaze.

“Let’s make some new memories together, okay?”

...

“Hello, my name is Joanne,” the nurse says, outstretching her hand. Polly shakes it.

“Polly,” she says. “I’m Basil’s guardian…and Sunny’s, too, temporarily.”

“Yes, I heard,” Joanne nods. “I have something important to discuss with you, while they’re both out. You might want to take a seat.”

Polly’s face goes pale. “Is everything alright?” she asks, sitting down on Basil’s bed. Joanne offers a small smile, but doesn’t answer her directly. Instead, she pulls the clipboard off of the wall and starts to flip through some pages.

“As you know, Basil arrived with some minor scrapes and bruises accompanied by a concussion,” Joanne says, reading from her notes. “It was assumed at the time that he must have gotten into a physical altercation with the other young man, Sunny, but we didn’t have a lot of information about why. Do you have any information you’d like to share about why this incident might have occurred?”

“None at all,” Polly says quickly. “Basil is such a gentle boy…he’d never hurt a fly. We were all in shock when we found them…”

“That’s what we suspected, too,” the nurse says. “In fact, the first thing Sunny did when he woke up was rush to Basil’s side. In any normal circumstances, he’d want to avoid the person who inflicted such a severe injury to him.”

Polly nods, swallowing. Joanne kneels beside her, taking Polly’s clammy hands in hers.

“I overheard them speaking with one another last night, and the cause of the altercation became clear. Sunny was trying to prevent Basil from committing suicide,” Joanne says.

Polly’s eyes go wide with realization and she brings one of her hands to her mouth to cover a gasp.

“I knew something was wrong, but I never suspected…that he was going through something like that,” she says. Polly thinks back to the horrific amount of blood she had to clean off Basil's bedroom floor earlier that morning. As a nurse she was used to blood, but even she had to admit the act was stomach-churning. The sight was more akin to a crime scene than to the location of an accident. She wonders if it was really true that she didn’t know how badly off Basil’s mental state was or if she was just in denial about it--as a caretaker, she wasn’t sure which was worse. 

“I always try to make sure he knows I’m there, but…I’m just not really sure I’m doing enough,” she admits. “He stays inside so much because of his anxiety. It can’t be good for him.”

“I understand,” Joanne says, nodding sympathetically. “Did Basil mention anything about his relationship with Sunny? It seems like they care a lot for each other. It’s probably a good move to have them stay close to each other.”

“Actually, I just met Sunny a few days ago,” Polly says. “I don’t know much about their past, but Basil mentioned Sunny was a complete shut-in since his sister died. He hasn’t even been going to school. It must have been really hard on him…”

Joanne takes a business card from her pocket and puts it into Polly’s hand.

“I gave one of these to Sunny,” she says. “Given what you’ve told me and what I’ve observed, he most likely also has suicidal tendencies, though he told me he was no longer planning to act on them. There are resources for you and the boys on there. Even if things are looking up, it’s a good idea to get them both into therapy as soon as you can.”

Polly hangs her head, deeply worried for the two under her care. 

“Basil and Sunny seem like good kids, and also good friends, even though they obviously just came out of a traumatic situation,” Joanne continues. “They’ll certainly help each other develop in different ways. And they’re lucky to have you.”

Joanne also gives Polly her cellphone number, telling her she can call at any time.

“Thank you. Really, thank you,” Polly says. “I’ll do my best for them.”

“Ms. Polly? Are you okay?” Basil asks, walking back into the room, purple flowers in hand. Joanne steps back and Polly nods, tears coming to her eyes when she sees him. She stands up, embracing him in a hug.

“Everything is okay,” she says. “I’m just glad you’re coming home. Oh—”

She releases him, holding him at an arms-length.

“Your grandma’s funeral is tomorrow,” she says. “So your parents are at the house, getting things ready. I thought I should give you a heads up…so you have time to prepare.”

“O-oh,” Basil nods. “Okay.”

“I’ll bring you your things,” Joanne says, exiting the room.

...

My parents are home? Basil thinks. They’re home and they didn’t come to visit me?

No, he shouldn’t think like that. He should be happy they came home to arrange something for grandma. Of course they’re busy—he shouldn’t be selfish. Not when ending up in the hospital was his fault in the first place.

“Hey, I know it’s hard, but you don’t have to worry anymore,” Ms. Polly says. “I’ll always be here to protect you and Sunny. You know that, right?”

“M-Ms. Polly…are you sure you’re okay?” Basil mutters. “What did Ms. Joanne talk with you about?”

“Well, with everything that’s happened recently, she thinks it would be good for you and Sunny to start therapy,” Ms. Polly says. “How does that sound?”

Awful. That sounds awful. Basil’s grandma had him see a therapist after Mari’s death, and all that came out of it was an antidepressant prescription that caused panic attacks. After months of things getting worse, the therapist told him he was “untreatable.”

Broken. Sick. His condition was terminal. He’s internalized that, even though he wishes he could change.

“I don’t want to do that,” Basil said, looking at his feet.

“Maybe we should talk about it later,” Ms. Polly says. 

The two stand in silence awkwardly for a moment, neither wanting to push the issue.

“Here,” Ms. Polly finally says, rustling through her tote bag and retrieving a pair of clothes. “I thought you’d probably like to wear something fresh.”

Basil takes the change with a quiet thanks before retreating to the same restroom Sunny had just broken down in a few minutes before. As he takes his gown off he can’t help but ogle at the cuts and bruises covering his body. Many are from the fight, he’s sure, but others are older and more familiar. 

He tries not to think too much about it.

Chapter Text

“Knock knock,” a man in a white lab coat with a deep, gruff voice announces as he enters my room. “Sunny? I’m Dr. Martin. How are you feeling?”

“I’m alright,” I say.

“Alright. On a scale of 1 to 10, what level is your pain?” the Dr. Martin asks, clicking his pen. 

“Maybe a 2 or 3,” I say.

“That’s the morphine doing its job,” the doctor chuckles. “We’ll need to start weaning you off as we get ready to discharge you.”

I nod, tired. Sitting around in this room for the past couple days has been agonizing. It’s almost cruel how when I’m finally ready to face the world I’m trapped in a white room again—though the flowers everyone brought for me have cheered me up more than I want to admit.

Since Basil went home, I haven’t had any visitors. I suspect Hero is stuck in his room studying and Kel and Aubrey are probably catching up after so long apart, antagonizing each other. They’re probably bonding over the fact that this whole time the real antagonist was me.

I shake my head. No, that’s wrong... I shouldn’t think that way. Hero told me that they didn’t blame me. He told me that they wanted to be there for me, even though they needed time to fully trust me again. I should believe what he said, but being stuck here, all alone, without having the chance to hear from Kel and Aubrey themselves is emotionally draining. 

What if Hero was just trying to protect my feelings?

“I’m going to remove your dressings, okay Sunny? I need to take a look at how you’re healing and clean up the wound,” Dr. Martin says, interrupting my thoughts.

“Okay,” I say, leaning my head back and allowing him to examine me.

He slowly unwraps the bandages on my head and it feels like he’s peeling my skin off of my face. I grit my teeth and close my eye, doing my best to ignore it. Once he’s finished taking the bandage off I can feel something soft and cold on the open wound as he cleans around my eye socket. The thought of my eye really being gone forever suddenly sort of freaks me out, but I try to stay calm as the cool sensation soothes the pain.

Once Dr. Martin is finished he applies a new dressing, this time just over my eye, and secures the gauze with medical tape. 

“It’s healing well,” he says, scribbling something on his clipboard. “We’ll replace the dressing one more time before you’re discharged. Oh—and this is for you…”

Dr. Martin hands me a square white eyepatch.

“It’s a good idea that you get used to wearing it while you’re here. While your wound heals you want to keep any debris away from it.”

“Sure,” I say, picking up the eyepatch. He helps me tie it tautly behind my head. “Thank you.”

“No problem at all. I think it looks cool,” the doctor says, smiling. “Now, I was wondering if I could go over some of the other abnormalities we found in your bloodwork. May I take a seat here?”

I nod, feeling like the choice really isn’t mine to make. I feel fine now—I really just want to get out of here.

“From your medical chart, it looks like there was a large gap in care. What was going on during that period?” Dr. Martin asks.

This has nothing to do with my bloodwork. I shrink into myself a little bit, wishing my tray table was stowed away so I could bring my knees to my chest.

“I haven’t been to school for a while, so I never needed to get a physical,” I sigh. “My mom tried to get me to go, but I guess I was too depressed…since my sister passed away.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” the doctor says, moving right along. “Can I ask how long ‘a while’ might be?”

“About four years,” I say.

“Yes, that is quite a while,” he mutters to himself, scribbling something on his clipboard again. He examines the words with a look of concern on his face, crosses something out, then writes something else. “And a little birdie told me you haven’t left the house very much, either. Is that true?”

I sigh. A little birdie? I nod.

“Spending too much time indoors can cause a number of issues. You might not notice them, but over time they can take a toll on your health,” Dr. Martin continues. “The first thing we noticed is that you’re deficient in Vitamin D. Vitamin D is one of the vitamins responsible for keeping your bones healthy and strong, and without it you can feel fatigued and weak. The easiest way for our bodies to make Vitamin D is through regular sun exposure, but you can also supplement it through vitamins. We’ll send you home with some.

“The other thing we noticed was your low iron and hemoglobin levels. Have you ever heard of a condition called anemia?” he asks. I shake my head. This conversation is exhausting . “Anemia can also cause fatigue, weakness, and dizziness. It can also lead to confusion and even worsen symptoms of depression. It’s very dangerous.”

The doctor must be able to detect my lack of interest, because he cuts himself off and unclips a shiny brochure from his board, placing it on the tray table in front of me. The brochure is titled “Nutrition Services” and something is scribbled on the bottom of the front page.

“Take some time to look that over,” the doctor says. “I left a referral to a nutritionist in Faraway. It’s a good idea to see one so you can learn more about healthy eating habits, okay?”

I nod, opening the brochure and pretending to read it until the doctor excuses himself from the room. When he does, I lean back into my bed and close my eye, bringing my hands to my head. I feel like crying, but there is nothing to cry over. I’m just so tired. I wish Basil was here with me.

I wonder if this is how Basil felt when I left him all alone. I can’t wait to get out of here and make it up to all of them.

…

The psychiatrist looks at his notes, frowning again. Sunny’s nurse should have been here five minutes ago. He knows that nurses are always busy, but these notes are important. They should be relayed to his guardian as soon as possible so arrangements can be made.

“I’m so sorry I’m late!” Joanne huffs, closing the door to the office behind her. “Pharmacists, am I right?”

She takes a seat across from him, collecting herself.

“Right,” Dr. Martin thoughtlessly agrees.

“How is Sunny doing?” Joanne asks.

“Well, that’s what we’re here to talk about,” Dr. Martin sighs. “At the very least, I don’t think he’s a risk to himself. But he should be evaluated. He has symptoms of PTSD and PGD. And it goes without saying he is suffering from depression. It seems to have manifested in physical symptoms like lack of appetite and poor diet.”

“He’s underweight for his age,” Joanne agrees. “And based on his medical records, his growth was stunted from malnutrition. It’s concerning, but not uncommon for boys in his situation.”

“Agreed,” Dr. Martin says. “We’ve given him the resources, and we’ve given his guardian the resources. I think the best course of action is to relay these notes to her so she can prepare to get him into therapy right away.”

“Wait—we’re discharging him?” Joanne asks, shocked.

“We can’t exactly 5150 him,” the doctor says. “You said yourself he denies being suicidal. It would only traumatize him further.”

Joanne nods slowly, gathering her racing thoughts. She swallows. “No, you’re right. There’s no real reason to hold him.”

“I know you care a lot, Joanne,” Dr. Martin says. “Thank you for calling me. But we can’t control people. Sometimes we have to trust them.”

He hands her his notes and stands to leave.

“Call me if you notice anything else, alright? You know where to find me.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Joanne nods, reading the notes herself.

16 y/o male with previous dx of depression and sx of PTSD. Possible PGD as r/o ongoing emotional neglect and lack of appropriate therapy after death of loved one. Pt reacts apathetically towards diagnosis of physical ailments r/t psychological distress. Notable sx of depression include lack of appetite and h/o suicidal tendencies. 

Pt presents as stable. Pt struggles with ADLs and should be under the close supervision of a parent or guardian. Further psychotherapy is highly recommended.

Chapter Text

I wake up to another boring breakfast. Being bedridden hasn’t exactly stimulated my appetite, and the food is nothing special, so I plan on watching cartoons until the mid-day check in. 

“You should try your best to eat something,” Joanne frowns, noticing that I put the cover back over my plate. “Remember what the doctor told you.”

I sigh, removing the cover again and picking up a piece of toast. The nurse places my pain medications in a dixie cup and hands me a bottle of water.

“I have good news for you, buddy,” Joanne continues. “You’re being discharged tomorrow. You have to keep your energy up to keep on healing, alright?”

I nod, relieved that I’m finally getting a concrete date.

“Does Basil know?” I ask, my chest in my throat.

“We let Polly and Basil know yesterday,” Joanne says. “We made sure they had everything arranged for you to move in.”

I smile at her, unable to contain my excitement. I’ve even been watering the potted plants, hoping to keep them alive for Basil as a thank you gift for letting me stay with him.

As Joanne reaches the door, she stops.

“Oh, Sunny! There are visitors for you,” she says, surprise in her voice.

“Visitors?” I echo, leaning to look at the door from my bed. I can hear them before I see them.

“Stop shoving!” Aubrey says.

“Sunny!” Kel shouts from just beyond the door frame, much to Joanne’s chagrin. She hushes him, telling him that it is early and other children are still sleeping. “My bad,” he whispers.

“Hey Sunny,” Aubrey says casually, popping her head in first. It seems she won the shoving battle. “Cool eyepatch.”

“T-thanks,” I say, my eye darting around the room as a panic rises inside me against my will. I had convinced myself so thoroughly that I wouldn’t be forgiven—especially by Aubrey—that it was hard to believe she was right in front of me like this. It was hard to believe that she’d gone out of her way to visit me.

When I finally refocus, the two of them are standing by the foot of my bed.

“How are you feeling?” Kel asks, his face contorted into a very un-Kel-like expression. It reminds me of Hero—kind, considerate… mature . I wonder if it was what I said that did that to him, or if I’d been so lost in my own world recently that I just didn’t notice earlier how much he’d changed over the last four years.

“I’m fine,” I say quickly, trying to choke down my nerves. “H-how are you doing?”

“I knew he would be like this,” Aubrey sighs, looking away from me.

“You don’t have to worry so much,” Kel assures me. “We’re here because we care about you, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” I say, staring at my uneaten breakfast. 

“ We know ,” Aubrey says, playing with the dead ends of her damaged hair. Kel smiles at her, and then at me, but he still looks uncomfortable. “I did the same thing, you know. I shoved Basil into the lake, even though I knew he couldn’t swim. He would have died…you both would have, if Hero didn’t come to save you. Even so, you all forgave me.”

“But we didn’t die,” I say, looking at her like she’s crazy.

“Don’t give me that look,” she says coldly. “You act like none of us have the capacity to empathize.”

I curl back up then, not knowing exactly what that means or how to respond. But she’s probably right.

“What Aubrey means is she’s worried about you. A lot,” Kel clarifies. “And so am I. And so’s Hero, just so you know. None of us want you to be alone again.”

“Thank you,” I breathe, trying on a smile for him. He smiles back—a big, bright, very Kel smile.

“And we heard you’re moving in with Basil!” he says excitedly. “That means we’ll see you at Faraway High, right?”

“Oh—I haven’t really thought that far,” I say, the thought of school causing a knot in my stomach. “I guess so.”

“Well that means I’ll be your new tutor, then!” Kel declares.

“As if,” Aubrey scoffs, rolling her eyes. “If you tutor him he’ll just be another year behind.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” Kel barks back.

“It means you’re an idiot, Kel,” Aubrey smiles.

Their nostalgic bickering brings a genuine smile to my face, and I feel somewhat relieved they can be themselves around me--even if it’s a little forced to make me feel better.

“Well, I guess that means you’re dating an idiot,” Kel banters back.

I gasp in shock at those words, throwing my hands over my mouth. Kel and Aubrey? Dating?! In what universe?

Aubrey’s face goes bright red and I know it’s not a joke. Thinking back, their dynamic always seemed to toe the line between arch nemeses and a married couple…

“You’re d ating? ” I ask rhetorically.

“Yup,” Kel says smugly.

“What the fuck!” Aubrey whisper-yells, trying to simultaneously release her anger and keep her voice down. “You had to tell him now ?”

“Congratulations,” I say, clapping for them. “It’s finally official.”

Aubrey spares me no mercy, punching me in the arm. I flinch reflexively, but luckily it wasn’t a full-strength blow. The ice now thoroughly broken, Kel, Aubrey, and I spend some time together, chatting lightly and promising to hang out again once the dust settles.

“We have to catch the next bus to get back in time for church,” Kel finally announces, uncharacteristically responsible. “You ready to head out, Aubs?”

“I’ll meet you outside,” she nods. Kel looks at her with objection in his eyes. “Just a minute, okay?”

He begrudgingly nods, stepping out of the room. Aubrey looks back to me, her playful façade finally dropping, and with it, my heart. I’m afraid of what she has to say to me alone . 

Does she really forgive me? Or is she here to remind me how much I really hurt her? 

Before she says anything, she zips open her backpack, retrieving a can of Tasty Soda. She places it on my tray table, pushing it close to me. Confused, I look at her and she groans.

“For you,” she mutters.

“Oh, thanks,” I say, not sure whether to open it now or save it for later. I decide it’s better to open it and take a sip now so she knows I’m grateful for the gesture. It’s good.

“There’s not a right way to be a person, you know,” Aubrey says. She looks me in the eye for a moment, then looks away, lashes fluttering. “What happened between you and Mari was an accident…a horrible accident. And of course, we miss her… so damn much. But Mari’s gone, Sunny. And you’re still here.”

“I--” I try to find the words to respond, fidgeting with my thumbs as my hands begin to shake. Though I know I’ve done nothing but annoy her with my previous apologies, I struggle to come up with anything more meaningful. “I’m so-sorry, Aubrey…”

“ I know ,” she continues after a moment, choking back her own rising tears. She takes one of my shaking hands in hers, stroking it gently with her thumb. “I know...because even after everything, I know you, Sunny. That’s why I’m here for you. I’m not lying when I say I forgive you, even if I’m deeply uncomfortable with what you did. I’m just…glad you’re alive. So don’t go anywhere now, got it?!”

Before I can respond, she’s zipping up her backpack and jogging towards the hall.

…

Joanne watches as the two visitors leave Sunny’s room, the young woman who had stayed behind a beat longer running up the boisterous young man and intertwining her fingers with his--leaning into him for comfort. 

She sighs a breath of relief, knowing in her gut that despite everything, things are going to be okay.

Chapter Text

“Basil?” Ms. Polly calls, rapping at the door. “You awake, honey?”

“Yes!” Basil calls back, dogearing the page of his book and peeling himself from under his grandma’s quilt. “Coming!”

He opens the door, expecting Ms. Polly to chastise him for staying holed up in his grandma’s room so late, but instead she’s smiling.

“There’s a friend downstairs! He wants to check up on you,” she says. Basil squeezes the book in his hands, a nervous tick that precedes the nervousness itself.

“A friend? Who is it?” he asks, wanting desperately to curl back into his grandma’s bed.

“Oh—I’m so bad with names,” Ms. Polly says, shaking her head. “He’s the older boy—the one in college.”

Basil nods, taking a deep breath. He leaves his grandma’s room, latching the door gently behind him as if afraid to wake the dead, and follows Ms. Polly downstairs. Hero is sitting on the couch, holding one of the decorative pillows in his arms and leaning his chin into it.

“H-hi, Hero,” Basil says, shuffling over.

“G’morning, Basil,” Hero says, patting the couch cushion beside him. “Take a load off.”

Basil nods, sitting down next to Hero.

“Whatcha reading?” Hero asks, pointing to the book still curled in Basil’s hands.

“O-oh, it’s just an old novel,” Basil says, holding the book to his chest. “I’ve read it before…it’s nothing special.”

Hero nods, letting a short silence pass between them.

“I heard about the funeral. How are you holding up?” he carries on.

“I’m okay,” Basil says, looking off into space. He exhales shakily. “It’s hard.”

“I know,” Hero says. “To be honest, I’m worried about you. You’ve been alone all week.”

“Sorry,” Basil says, curling his knees to his chest. “I thought…you probably wanted to be left alone, too…”

Hero sighs, pulling Basil into an awkward side hug unexpectedly.

“Didn’t Sunny tell you? We’re not-- I’m not mad at you, Basil,” he says.

“How?” Basil asks, meeting Hero’s red-rimmed eyes. “After what I did to Mari… and then Sunny …you shouldn’t be here to comfort me. You should be mad, Hero. Right now… that’s what I deserve.”

“Sometimes good people do bad things,” Hero says. shaking his head. “But running away from the pain you caused doesn’t relieve guilt—it creates shame.

“There’s nothing you need to be ashamed of anymore. I’m here. I know you’re hurting more than I am.”

Basil returns the hug, squeezing Hero back tightly. Basil cries gently into Hero’s shirt.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpers.

…

Hero thinks about what Kel said to him at home the night they learned the truth. The two of them had gone straight to their room after arriving home, telling their parents they ate out with friends in an effort to be left alone. Well, Kel must not really have wanted to be all alone, because once Hero laid down he set up a makeshift sleeping spot beside the older boy’s twin bed. 

Hero spent hours struggling with his thoughts to the tune of his little brother quietly whimpering beside him. He’d done enough crying over Mari’s death…now, he should feel angry, he thought. But all he could do was think back to that morning, finding the two boys on the bathroom floor--the horrifying pool of blood beneath Sunny, drenching both of them. He remembered his body moving before he could even process what was happening, panicking as Sunny’s head hung limply in his hold. 

It was true that Hero was relieved that Sunny was still with them. But now, with the added weight of the sudden confession, he just…wasn’t sure what to feel, and it hurt his heart.

“Basil really came up with that plan…to hang Mari from the tree?” Kel finally broke the silence between, his voice quivering. “Poor Basil…”

“What do you mean, ‘Poor Basil?’” Hero asked, shocked that that was the first thing Kel could come up with. To Hero, Basil was the last person deserving of pity. “What he did…was just really, really fucked up…”

“Basil’s never done anything malicious in his life ,” Kel responded, raising his voice. “ Think about it. How would he even think of that? He was afraid…it was probably the most horrendous thing he’d ever seen…and even in that state of panic, he could think clearly enough about one thing…

“… suicide , Hero. Any normal kid his age shouldn’t know a thing about it. Why did he even know how to tie a noose? Why was suicide a solution in his mind?”

Fuck. Kel was right. Hero remembered how painful it was to imagine Mari learning how to tie a noose. He remembered wondering how he didn’t notice how much she was suffering. These were things he reminded himself daily—he never wanted someone to leave him like that again. 

The whole time, he didn’t realize there was someone else actually suffering right in front of him—someone he desperately cared about, even if that someone hurt him so profoundly as a way of protecting themselves.

Basil …

No, not just Basil—Sunny, too. He wondered how their guilt ate away at them. It might have even been worse for them than it was for himself. He wondered how painfully it colored their mourning. He wondered what he would have done in their situation.

For once, he didn’t feel guilty. He just felt… sad.

…

“I forgive you,” Hero says, gazing wistfully at the stray hairs bouncing between the younger boy’s growing sobs. “Even though I need time to really process everything…I need you to know that I forgive you, Basil.”

Chapter Text

“Sunny? I have your things,” Joanne says, coming into my hospital room. I’m standing by the window, examining one of the wilting flowers I suspect I overwatered. “Your shirt was bloody, so I brought you a fresh T-shirt instead. You’ll probably want to shower as soon as you get home, anyway.”

I nod, thanking her quietly. Along with my clothes is the business card she saved for me, a few random pieces of candy I had in my pocket at admission, and a note I’ve never seen before.

“That note is from Polly,” Joanne says, noticing my curiosity. I pause to read it, putting the rest of my belongings on my bed.

‘Hi Sunny! Sorry this is so sudden, but I won’t be the one to pick you up today! Basil’s parents gave me some extra tasks to get done before you come home…but I think it’s actually that they want to speak to you before they leave town! They’ll be at the hospital around 1pm! See you soon. XOXO’

I feel sick, wondering why on earth they would want to spend time with me over their own son.

Basil’s parents don’t feel like parents at all...well, they never really have.

When I’m finished reading I throw the note into the trash. I pick out my shorts and the plain black T-shirt Joanne brought me and head to the bathroom to get changed.

After undressing in the mirror, I have to admit I look better than usual. Some of the color has returned to my face and it even looks like I’ve put on a bit of weight in the hospital. I get dressed quickly. No need to examine myself that closely…

Joanne is waiting for me on the other side of the door when I finish.

“All set? Your ride is here,” she says.

I nod. She takes the hospital gown from my hands and throws it into a plastic bag, then asks me to follow her to the exit. We make the long walk in relative silence, each hallway identical to the previous. Eventually we make it to the elevator to the lobby, and Joanne starts to give me instructions on how to clean my wound and when to take my medications.

“Hey Joanne?” I interrupt her.

“What is it, honey?” she asks.

“Thank you for everything,” I say, smiling bitter sweetly. “I won’t miss the hospital, but I’ll miss you.”

“Oh, you can call me anytime, sweetie,” she says, giving me a gentle hug. “Just ask Polly for my cell phone number, okay?”

I nod, bracing myself for an introduction to the two people I never thought I’d meet.

As soon as the elevator opens, a woman with gaudy makeup and long blonde hair greets me.

“You must be Sunny,” she says. “I’m Bev.”

“Hi,” I say shortly, staring at her poorly blended neckline.

The woman looks up at Joanne, as if expecting her to say something.

“I’ve left his guardian with the instructions for his care,” she states. “He’s all yours now,” she directs her attention back to me, offering a small wave and an even smaller but noticeable smile.

“Bye, Sunny,” she says, stepping back into the elevator and disappearing from view.

“Well…follow me,” the woman—Basil’s “mom”—sighs, turning away and walking towards the door. I follow her to a black Mercedes with tinted windows parked outside.

“You can take a seat in the back,” she says, slamming the door behind her.

I do as she says, making sure to slam my door as well. She stares at me as I fasten my seatbelt.

“Hello there, young man,” the man in the driver’s seat says, glancing at me through the backup mirror and putting the car into drive. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” I say, making eye contact with him. He smiles awkwardly, pulling away from the curb and onto the street.

“Right…well, we understand that our son inflicted a severe injury to your eye,” the man says.

As if you have any right to call him your son.

“His name is Basil,” I say, irritated. The woman lowers her eyes at me, then gives a side-eye to her husband. As tough as I’m trying to look, anxiety nags at me inside.

“It’s good to see you’re still on good terms with him,” the man continues. “I wanted to talk about the arrangements you and Polly made to stay in the home with Basil.”

I nod, looking out the window as we merge onto the interstate.

“We’re glad to hear that our son will have someone to keep him company since Meredith died,” the man says. “But it came as quite a shock to us that this decision was made so suddenly, and after such a bad accident. Polly insists it’ll be good for the both of you, but we’re skeptical.”

“Why?” I ask, deadpan. “You don’t know the first thing about Basil, do you?”

“Now listen young man,” the woman speaks up, releasing a growing frustration that I was starting to find entertaining. “We’re doing you and your mother a favor taking you in, so stop being such a smart aleck.”

I sit with my anger, shutting my mouth.

“ Now , it’s already been decided that you can stay,” the man says. “But there are some rules we need you to follow if you’re living under our roof. Regardless of how lenient Polly is, we have a say in this, too.

“Number one—you need to go back to school. Basil already gave me an earful for this, but we don’t care what your excuses are. If you don’t go back to school you’ll never make anything of yourself. And we’ve been made aware you’re already behind.

“Number two—no bringing girls back to the house. You should be focused on studying and contributing to the household.

“And number three—no fighting. We heard all about your… violent tendencies. You’ll have to cut that out unless you want to live somewhere else.”

I nod silently, my face hot from the anger continuing to rise within me. Who do these people think they are? They act like they know a single thing about me. I wonder how Basil felt, seeing his parents for the first time in ages and having to bow to their expectations. He tried all these years to protect me—now it’s my turn to keep my promise to him.

“I’ll do what you say,” I mutter. “But I have a question.”

“Sure,” the man says, agreeing absentmindedly.

“Why did you abandon Basil?” I ask. The woman spins around in her seat, spitting daggers at me, but the man puts his hand on her shoulder, shaking his head at her.

“It wasn’t like that,” the man says, his face pale. “And frankly, it’s not really appropriate to talk about.”

“It’s not like we wanted a kid in the first place,” the woman mutters under her breath. The man shoots her a look, but doesn’t say anything further.

I feel sick to my stomach. These are the people that Basil thought he’d disappointed? These people never deserved to have a son like him.

These people never deserved to have a child at all.

The rest of the ride passes by in a horrible silence.

Chapter Text

Basil comes out of the kitchen with a glass of orange juice and some store-bought sugar cookies on a porcelain tray.

“Woohoo!” Kel hollers as Basil places the snacks on the coffee table in front of him. “Thanks, Basil!”

“Of course,” Basil replies, smiling. “Thank you so much for all your help.”

The two of them spent the morning clearing out Basil’s grandma’s room and making it ready for Sunny. It was hard for Basil to spend time digging through his grandma’s belongings without getting emotional, so he left most of the hard work to Kel while he cleaned up the rest of the house and put up some decorations that Polly bought for Sunny’s arrival.

Even though it stung to know that his parents were holding this request against him--adding it to the list of things that made him a burden--Basil was glad that they thought it was worth the trouble to welcome Sunny so openheartedly. At the very least, it was one less thing Sunny had to worry about.

As stressful as the last several days had been, Basil felt like things were getting better. Polly had thrown away his garden shears--understandably so--and with them the self-harm rituals disappeared. He watched his scabs slowly heal day over day--something that hadn’t happened since grandma went catatonic.

“You look a lot better,” Kel says, wiping the cookie crumbs from his mouth. “Are you feeling better?”

“Y-yeah,” Basil says. “I’m doing the best I can. You seem like you’re doing alright, too?”

Kel nods, taking a sip from his straw. 

“It was a shock when Sunny told us about everything…but to be honest, I was most worried about you,” Kel says. 

“M-me?” Basil stutters nervously. “Why? What I did was…awful! I only made things worse…and then…what I did to Sunny’s eye--”

Kel put his hand on Basil’s shoulder, eyeing him seriously.

“You were a kid, Basil,” he says. “No kid should ever have to experience that. You did what you thought was best. I mean…it’s probably not what I would have done. But when I try to imagine what was going through your head…I’m sorry , Basil.”

“W-what do you mean?” Basil says, looking away. He doesn’t want to assume that Kel might know about just how sick he is. At face value, nothing he’s saying is making any sense. Kel should be mad at him, just like Hero should’ve been, but somehow he’s even more forgiving. “You shouldn’t be saying sorry to me…”

“I should have noticed,” Kel declares. Then he shakes his head, sorting out his thoughts. “You know you can tell me anything, okay? I’m not going to leave you.”

Basil nods, his face red. He realizes Kel isn’t putting on a friendly facade…he’s really just being Kel.

“Thank you, Kel,” he mutters. “I don’t deserve a friend like you.”

Thankfully, Kel doesn’t mention that last subtly self-deprecating statement, offering Basil a warm smile as he chomps on another cookie.

“I hope Sunny likes his new room,” Basil sighs. “Well, I hope he doesn’t like it too much.”

Kel chuckles. “He’s definitely not back to normal yet…but I don’t think Sunny will hide away like that again. We’ve all done our best to reassure him we’re not going to abandon either of you.”

Basil nods, conjuring up a smile. Sunny should be here any minute. He was getting antsy. Things between them were obviously strained, but Sunny was still Basil’s best friend. He was sure that Sunny felt the same, agreeing to stay with him after all this time.

…

“We’re here,” the woman finally announces. I open my eye from feigned sleep to see Basil’s house in the car window.

“Your mom will be bringing over the rest of your things over the next few days,” the man says. “We’ll call Polly to check up on you regularly, so remember what we said.”

I nod, grabbing my plastic bag of possessions and leaving the car as quickly as I can.

I knock the front door to Basil’s house, anxiety slowly dissipating as his parents drive away. To my surprise, Kel answers the door.

“Sunny! Here, let me help you with that,” he says, offering to take the bag. “Laundry? We can start a wash!”

“Kel? Uhh--thank you, but I actually…I don’t have a change of clothes,” I say.

“Y-you can borrow some of mine,” Basil says, peeking over Kel’s shoulder. “We should be about the same size.”

I blush, nodding. 

“Well, come on in first,” Kel says. “Let us show you to your new room.”

As I walk in, I notice things haven’t changed too significantly since I last visited Basil a little over a week ago. I do notice a “Welcome Home” banner tacked onto the wall above the couch in the living room that I assume Polly put up for Basil when he got out of the hospital, along with some helium balloons here and there sticking to the ceiling.

“Basil put up these decorations for you!” Kel says. “Isn’t that sweet?”

“F-for me?” I ask.

“W-well, it was Polly’s idea,” Basil stutters. “But yeah…we just wanted you to feel at home.”

“You didn’t need to do all this,” I say, though the gesture brings a smile to my face. The two of them lead me to Basil’s grandma’s old bedroom.

The inside is more spacious than before. The bookshelf is empty and the Polaroids which once hung on the wall are gone. All of Basil’s grandma’s medical equipment are similarly nowhere to be seen, and the armchair that was beside the twin bed is missing, the bed itself pushed flush against the wall. To make up for the empty space, plants are scattered here and there around the vicinity of the room.

“S-sorry it’s so empty,” Basil says. “Kel helped me clean it out…”

“It’s perfect,” I say. “It’s not empty. It still feels… warm in here.”

“Basil insisted we bring in some more plants to liven up the place,” Kel says. “I hope it worked.”

I nod, taking in the rest of the room. Kel puts my things on the table in the center of the room, whispering something to Basil before leaving the two of us alone.

“H-hey, let me get you that pair of clothes I promised,” Basil says. “You probably want to take a shower, right?”

“Did Kel say I smell?” I ask, unamused.

“W-what?!” Basil shrieks, his face red.

“Just kidding,” I smile. “Thanks, Basil.”

Basil looks away from me, muttering a small “be right back” before leaving the room as well. 

I sit on the bed, sinking into it. Trying not to feel unworthy of all this generosity. Basil returns quickly with a green blouse and a pair of cream-colored cotton shorts. 

“Polly made us lunch, so whenever you’re ready we can all eat together, okay? You must be hungry,” Basil rambles. “And…you don’t have to force yourself. Just take your time settling in.”

I nod, holding the clothes to my chest, soaking in the new-old smell. Being with Basil calms me down immediately, almost as if nothing ever changed. 

“You too,” I tell him. “Take your time with everything. We have plenty of time now, okay?”

Chapter Text

It’s been about a week since I was discharged from the hospital. Although our doors are only feet away from each other, Basil I spent most of our time separately the past couple days. My mom dropped off my clothes--though I really don’t have much of a wardrobe--and even brought Mewo over to live with me. Mewo took a liking to Basil and Polly quickly, and every evening after dinner the three of us play with her using her favorite wand toys. Honestly, it's the most fun I've had in last four years...and probably a bit before that, too.

Things between Basil and I are comfortable now. Everyday we eat our meals together, chatting about the plot of the library book Basil is reading. Some nights when I can’t sleep I check in on him and he lets me watch him paint--though he hasn’t let me see his side of the easel just yet.

I haven’t drawn anything since moving in with him. My art skills are frankly embarrassing when compared with his, and I wouldn’t want to show him the sort of content I created while locked up in any case…

Still, we’re able to chat about things casually like we used to. We’ve both avoided bringing up the topic of Mari or our other friends since the move to make things a little lighter after such an exhausting week, but I’m sure that when Basil’s alone he can’t help mulling over how to make things right, either.

While lost down that very train of thought, there’s a knock at my bedroom door.

“Coming!” I call, expecting Polly or Basil on the other side. When I open the door my heart skips a beat.

“Hey nerd,” Aubrey greets me. “You gonna get out of bed anytime soon?”

“O-oh, Aubrey! Hey, I uh--wasn’t expecting any visitors,” I say. “I’m still in my PJs…”

“I can see that,” Aubrey rolls her eyes. “Well, get ready! Basil, Kel, and I are already eating breakfast.”

“Oh--okay,” I say, nodding and closing the door. I take a deep breath, throwing on my usual uniform and taking a comb roughly to my matted hair. 

When I get downstairs, I see that Aubrey was telling the truth. Though I can tell he’s a little on edge, Basil is chatting with Aubrey and Kel and Polly is dishing out another stack of pancakes for the group.

“Hey Sunny! Did you sleep alright?” Polly asks. “It’s already 9!”

“Y-yes, I was just being lazy!” I tell her, finding a seat at the table.

“Ha--you’re starting to sound like Basil!” Kel says, pouring a river of syrup over the pancakes on his plate. “Glad to see you’re doing well.”

I nod, giving a polite smile. “Basil and Polly have been taking good care of me.”

Though she doesn’t say anything, I can almost see a small smile forming on Aubrey’s lips when I say that. I remember how kind she was to me at the hospital. Despite her rough exterior, Aubrey is still soft on me, just like when we were kids.

It’s almost unfair how quickly everyone has started to treat me normally. It’s like they don’t trust me to show how they’re really feeling. Is it because they’re afraid of what I might do to myself? In any case, there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe it. No--there’s a part of me that knows they must hate me deep down, no matter how hard they try to hide it.

Maybe that’s because I still hate myself deep down. There’s still nothing I can do to bring Mari back. All that’s left are painful repressed memories of another life I used to lead.

“Hey, are you ok?” Basil asks, taking my hand.

“Yeah, sorry,” I say, squeezing his hand in mine. “Just thinking.”

Shut up, Sunny. It’s been 4 years. Something is gone. Mari is gone. Everyone forgave you--things are fine now. Stop going in circles again! Not now!

“So Sunny, we have an idea to pose,” Kel says, his mouth full.

“Would you please swallow first?” Aubrey asks, annoyed. Kel swallows with a gulp of milk.

“Sorry,” he says. “Aubrey and I wanted to ask if you guys were interested in helping with our surprise party for Hero. Tonight’s his last night in Faraway until winter break. What do you think?”

Basil looks at me, expectant. His eyes are glistening in the morning sun, tiny specks of green shining through in his blue irises. Full of hope.

“I think it’s a good idea,” I nod, lost in those eyes. “I’d like to help.”

“Me too,” Basil follows up, looking back to the couple.

“Sweet!” Kel smiles. “I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you two there!”

“We’re heading to Othermart after breakfast to buy some party supplies, then to Gino’s for takeout. You guys are welcome to come with,” Aubrey says. Basil and I agree and Kel spends the rest of the breakfast gushing enthusiastically about his farewell plans.

…

With the allowance Polly gave me, I bought all the ingredients for Mari’s cookies. I remember her recipe by heart, though I’ve never attempted to make the cookies before, as if trying without her would be taboo. Now that everyone is together again--and now that everyone knows the truth--I hope that making them will bring back happy memories instead of painful ones.

To keep what I’m baking secret, I asked Basil if I could use the kitchen at home instead of rushing to Kel and Hero’s house to help them set up right away. He agreed, giving me the house key and telling me to be careful.

The mixture definitely isn’t as thick as I remember Mari’s being, but I know I’ve got the ingredients right, so I form the batter into cookie-like shapes and preheat the oven. At the very least, I can do this .

…

Polly’s attention is ripped away from her textbook as the fire alarm sounds from the hallway. She notices the smoke right away, wondering how on earth she could have been so engorged in study when it already made its way to her room, seeping through the crack between the door and its frame.

She instinctively grabs the metal doorknob through her shirt, relieved when it’s not warm. The hallway is filled with a thicker smoke than what made its way into her bedroom, and the sound of the alarm pierces her eardrums.

“Sunny?!” she calls, remembering his request to use the oven. She sprints down the hall when he doesn’t respond. “Sunny?! Answer me!”

As she enters the kitchen she sees him standing motionlessly. There’s no open fire, but smoke is billowing in front of him, and there are flames engulfing whatever was in the oven. Polly shoves Sunny out of the way, grabbing the fire extinguisher on the wall and opening the oven to extinguish the flames. 

The fire goes out quickly, leaving behind a smoldering pile on a singed baking sheet. With a heavy sigh of relief, Polly closes the oven once more, trapping the rest of the smoke and opening the kitchen window to let the air clear.

When she looks back to the boy, he’s slid up against the wall, head between his knees. He’s shaking, muttering something to himself over and over again. Polly steels herself, kneeling down beside Sunny and placing her hand on his shoulder gently.

“Sunny? It’s okay, buddy,” she whispers, but the boy doesn’t seem to hear her. “Sunny?”

…

I remember this place. I remember the simple, sad melody. It’s gripping my chest tightly, like smoke steadily filling my lungs.

There’s nothing here. Somehow, it feels even emptier than it should be. Almost like it isn’t a room at all--just a bright white filling my vision. Like maybe I finally died.

Wasn’t there a door here last time? A way to escape the panic rising in my chest? Weren’t there tissues to wipe away these rising tears? No, maybe this isn’t a place I remember. Maybe it’s a place in-between our world and the one that was wiped away…

Why does it feel like I’ve forgotten something important?

“Sunny!” Polly shakes me. “Sunny, are you okay?! Answer me!”

“I’m sorry,” I say through tears. My throat hurts as I mutter the words. “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”

She brings me into a hug, hushing me as I cry.

“Hey, it’s okay,” she says calmly. “I’m sorry I was shouting. You just…you scared me, there, Sunny.”

I know that’s my sign to calm down, but the panic won’t leave me. I hyperventilate, pulling at my hair as I try to stop my tears. This was a stupid idea. No one would ever want these cookies if Mari didn’t make them…especially not if I was the one who made them. What the hell was I thinking? I knew it wasn’t coming out right--

“Sunny, try to count to three before each breath,” Polly says, interrupting my thoughts and walking me through breathing techniques to alleviate my panic attack. After god knows how long sitting with her on the floor, breathing in and out like I’ve just run a mile, I’m able to somewhat collect myself. 

“I-I’m okay,” I say, looking at the smoldering oven shamefully. I realize my hands are sticky and my clothes are covered in flour and soot. “I’m sorry…”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Polly says, rubbing circles into my lower back. “Really, you don’t. It was just a mistake. And besides, I needed to clean the oven anyway.”

She probably didn’t.

Polly tells me to take a hot shower, saying she’ll take care of the kitchen. Defeated by the whole ordeal, I do as she says, letting her clean up my mess.

Chapter Text

It takes a couple hours, but the living room looks immaculate--unlike Basil’s shoddy decorations for Sunny’s arrival. Aubrey was in charge of streamers and balloons while Basil set the table and put out the snacks. Kel even brought down his console so that everyone could play video games on the big screen in the living room. 

It isn’t until his responsibilities are fulfilled that Basil realizes how much time has passed. It’s nearly 4pm already--only an hour until Hero returns from his part-time gig at science camp. Kel is still messing with the game controllers when the home phone rings.

“Aubs, can you get that?” he calls. 

Aubrey rushes over the phone, answering it with a bubbly “Hello?”

There is a short pause as the caller responds.

“It’s for you,” Aubrey says, looking at Basil as she twists the phone cord in her fingers. Basil anxiously takes the phone from her, thanking her quietly.

“H-hello?”

“Hey Basil,” Polly replies on the other end. “How are things going at Kel’s?”

“We’re all set up now,” Basil says. “It looks great. How is Sunny doing?”

“Well…that’s actually what I’m calling about,” Polly sighs.

“--what happened?” Basil asks, his heart dropping in his chest. He knew he shouldn’t have left Sunny alone.

“Oh, everything is fine,” Polly assures him. “Well--there was a little mishap, but it’s probably better if Sunny tells you himself. Could you come home to walk him over, dear?”

“Yes, I’m on my way,” Basil says. “Bye, Polly.”

He hangs up the phone, wondering what could have happened.

“Is…everything okay?” Aubrey asks.

“I think so,” Basil nods. “Polly wants me to walk Sunny over.”

“Well, we have everything else here handled!” Kel says. “Tell Sunny not to worry--we’re gonna have fun today!”

Basil nods, trying to shake the anxious feeling off as he grabs his backpack and heads out.

When he arrives at his house, something is off. There’s an odor in the air--barely noticeable, but definitely there. Sunny is sitting on the couch, staring off into space, his hair wet.

“Hey Sunny?” Basil calls, walking over to him. Sunny looks at Basil, his eyes glazed over. His expression is almost neutral, but Basil can tell something is very wrong. “Hey--what happened?”

“I’m sorry,” Sunny says, standing up from his position. “It’s nothing--let’s go to the party.”

“Wait!” Basil says, grabbing his arm as he tries to walk off. “Tell me what’s wrong!”

“I…I tried to make Mari’s cookies, but…they caught fire,” Sunny says, staring at the ground.

“Are you hurt?” Basil asks, flipping Sunny around and examining his hands. “Did you get burned anywhere?”

Suddenly, Sunny pulls Basil into a hug.

“S-Sunny?”

“I’m okay,” Sunny says. “Can we just stay like this for a minute?”

“O-okay,” Basil says, hugging Sunny back. “Everything is okay, Sunny.”

After a long moment, Sunny pulls away, taking a deep breath.

“Okay, I’m ready.”

…

“That’s him!” Kel shouts, closing the curtains he was peeking out of. “C’mon everyone, get ready!”

The four of them rush over to the door, confetti poppers in hand, waiting for Hero to open it. Basil puts his finger through the hoop, ready as the doorknob twists. The four of them pull their poppers in quick succession, covering Hero in confetti.

“Surprise!” Aubrey and Kel shout. Hero yelps in shock, dropping the papers he was holding all over the front doorsteps.

“Holy--you guys scared the crap out of me!” Hero shrieks, grabbing at his heart.

“Sorry bro,” Kel laughs. “We planned a surprise farewell party for you!”

Basil kneels down, helping collect the papers scattered on the ground.

“Thanks, Basil,” Hero smiles, taking the papers from his hand and closing the door behind him. “Wow, this is amazing…”

“I did the decorating,” Aubrey says, smirking.

“I think he can tell,” Kel laughs. “Who else would choose pink?”

“Oh, shut up!” Aubrey scoffs. “At least it’s presentable!”

“Oh! And you even brought out the old games!” Hero says, picking up a controller on the floor.

“Well, I could tell the newer console wasn’t really your vibe,” Kel says, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment. “Besides, we all know how to play these ones.”

“Basil chose the snacks,” Aubrey says, elbowing Basil.

“Uh--um! Other than the regular chips and stuff, I got something special for everyone,” he says, blushing. “Watermelon for Aubrey, Orange Joe for Kel, and a hero sandwich for you!”

“Thanks, bud,” Hero says, smiling softly. “This is awesome, guys. I really appreciate it.”

“Well, we’re not going to see you for a while! And just when everyone was starting to get close again…” Kel says, frowning. “Oh! Sunny!”

Sunny looks up from the spot he’s curled up on the couch, surprised to hear his name being called.

“Uhh--weren’t you making something to surprise Hero with, too?” he asks.

Everyone is eyeing him expectantly. Basil feels the urge to rush to his side--to intertwine his own clammy palm with Sunny’s and squeeze him in reassurance--but resists it, giving Sunny a moment to collect himself.

“I was trying to make…M-Mari’s cookies,” he mutters. “But...they didn’t turn out right…”

“Uh…yeah, that was…probably not a good idea,” Hero says, shifting his glance to the floor, an awkward smile on his face. “I mean--but I appreciate the thought, Sunny!”

Sunny nods, burying his face into his knees. Basil walks over then, sitting beside Sunny wordlessly.

We have to do this together this time , Basil thinks. Sunny looks at Basil, putting on a tired smile.

“Sorry I couldn’t be more help,” Sunny says to the group.

“It’s okay!” Kel says, trying to pump positive energy back into the room. “Don’t worry about that, Sunny! We have plenty of food to go around!”

“Y-yeah!” Aubrey backs him up. “C’mon, who wants to play a round of Capt. Spaceboy’s Adventure!”

…

The party goes by in a blur. I wish I never said anything about the cookies, but I also promised myself not to keep any more secrets. My friends told me I could lean on them, but I also don’t want to burden them. 

Even when I tell myself to stop going in circles, my brain won’t shut up.

Luckily, Basil doesn’t leave my side. He’s never been into video games, so I don’t feel guilty that he chooses to watch instead of joining. The sky gets dark he starts to nod off, and before I know it his head is resting on my shoulder. Knowing that we’re here for each other--and frankly, because of each other--puts my heart at ease as our friends shout and jeer at each other through the game.

Before long, even Hero is yawning.

“Hey guys, it’s getting pretty late,” he says. “We should probably walk Basil and Sunny home.”

“Oh--w-we’ll be fine,” I say, but Aubrey insists.

“Look at Basil, he’s exhausted,” she says, shaking her head. “And you look tired, too. Let us walk you home, just to make sure you get there alright.”

I nod, jostling Basil awake gently. It has been a really long day.

Kel carries Basil’s bag and Hero offers to carry Basil on his back, but he shakes his head, slapping his cheeks and waking himself up.

“I’m not a kid anymore!” Basil says. “I--I can walk, okay?!”

Hero laughs at him, messing with his hair.

After the short walk home, Basil pauses outside the house.

“Hey…thanks for such a nice day today, guys,” he says. “D-do you mind if I grab my camera for a photo?”

“Of course!” Kel says. A few moments pass and Polly follows Basil back outside.

“Polly offered to take it for us,” Basil smiles. “But we should take it inside, where the lighting is better.”

Everyone files inside and Kel pulls us into a group hug, his eyes teary.

“I’m gonna miss this, guys,” he says. “It’s not fair…how short it was.”

Everyone is quiet, but it’s not an awkward quiet. It’s a heavy, solemn one.

“Hey, I won’t be gone forever,” Hero says. “We’ll just have to do this again.”

“Yeah,” Aubrey agrees. “This was really nice.”

Polly snaps the photo.

“Ooh! I want to see!” Kel says, rushing over to the camera. The polaroid prints out slowly, developing in the air. “Dangit--look at my face!”

“It looks great!” Basil laughs. “It’s very Kel of you.”

He hands the photo to me.

“W-why?” I ask.

“The album is yours, now,” he says, smiling. “You’ll do the honors of keeping our new memories safe, won’t you?”

I nod, a knot in my chest. I can do this.

Aubrey and Kel say their goodbyes, holding open the door for Hero as he dawdles, chatting with Polly about his first year of pre-med. When he finally excuses himself, he looks back at me, giving me a quick smile.

“Hang in there, Sunny,” he says, closing the door behind him.

Chapter Text

Before I know it, it’s the first day of high school. Polly offered to buy me some new clothes for the school year but I insisted I’d be fine--my old clothes still fit me, and Basil has given me plenty of hand-me-downs that still smell like him--a sweet, soft smell that helps calm my nerves. 

The idea of going to school isn’t what bothers me most--it’s not even the fact that I’m two grades behind the rest of my friends, and two years older than everyone else in my grade. Basil told me not to worry about that--I’d probably fit in just fine. He said he’s one of the shortest boys in his grade, so I would be too if I were a junior--and besides, everyone looks drastically different in high school. It’s not like we’re little kids anymore.

No, what really scares me is the counselor that the superintendent is requiring me to see during my lunch period. I’ve never seen a therapist before, but Basil told me the horror stories about his old one making him feel worse than before.

If they called Basil untreatable, what does that make me ? 

A total lost cause, of course. It’s probably not about me, it’s about how I affect the people around me. A danger to myself and others--it’s the others they must be worried about. And shit, that’s more than fair.

Basil and I have to head out at 6:30 in the morning to catch the school bus together. The bus stop is just at the corner of our street, and Kel and Aubrey are waiting there when we arrive.

“Hey Kel, hey Aubrey,” Basil greets them happily. “You two look tired.”

“Well, yeah ,” Kel replies, irritated. “Why the hell does school have to start so early in the morning? Sally kept me up all night…”

Basil sucks his teeth.

“Wow, that must be tough…”

“Yeah, I’m sure it was Sally’s fault you were up all night,” Aubrey says, rolling her eyes. “How did you sleep, Sunny?”

“It was…fine,” I say, nodding. Basil shoots me a look, but doesn’t say anything. “Well, I had a bit of trouble getting to sleep.”

“Sunny’s really nervous,” Basil says. He was there last night when the panic attacks started--slowly, slowly creeping up on me during dinner. Unlike Basil, I’ve never been good at talking about my feelings. I’ve never needed to. I’ve never had these attacks before--these screams begging to be released.

But also unlike Basil, at least I’ve never had to deal with them alone.

“It’ll be fine,” Kel says. “Freshman year is easy peasy. Since they have to accommodate all the middle schools, it’s mostly review anyway!”

“Review of eighth grade,” Aubrey sighs. “...which Sunny didn’t attend, remember?”

“O-oh, yeah,” Kel says. “Well, you’ve always been really smart, Sunny! And we’re here to help you, just like I said.”

I nod, trying to smile back at him. I don’t know how to tell them that’s not really what I’m worried about, so I just sit with the feeling as the three of them chat. Over the next few minutes Vance, Kim, Charlie, and Mikael trickle over. Each of them look at me in various states of shock, but whisper among themselves instead of approaching me.

When the bus arrives, Basil sits beside me, putting his backpack on his lap and offering to hold my hand. I take it, and in that moment another wave of calm washes over me.

“You’re going to do just fine, Sunny,” he says, smiling. “I can tell you’re still worried. You’ve been really anxious lately, haven’t you?”

I nod, looking at the yellow flower behind his ear. It smells nice.

“I don’t know what it is,” I say. “I never used to feel this way.”

“You know, Aubrey and Kel used to see a counselor, too,” Basil says. “Since we were all so close with Mari, the teacher suggested we take time out of the school day to check in with one. It wasn’t perfect, but it helped…I think. Aubrey was able to make new friends, and Kel got really good at basketball. I know what they went through wasn’t the same as what we did…but I believe in you.”

“I believe in you, too,” I say. “I mean…look at you. You’re like a totally different person than you were when we found you in the park. You’re happier…more confident.”

Basil’s face turns beet red as I compliment him. He looks into the aisle for a moment, avoiding my admiring glance.

“It’s because you’re here,” he mutters, squeezing my hand. Even though I’m a mess inside, the reason I’m still here at all is because of him. I want to tell him how I feel. I want to tell him how much he means to me, but the words get caught in my throat every time I try, so I just squeeze his hand back and lay my head on his shoulder through the bumpy ride to school.

…

“Hey Sunny,” the man in the striped sweater says, motioning to the seat in front of his desk. “Come on in, take a seat. Did you bring your lunch?”

I nod, holding up my ziploc-bagged peanut butter and jelly sandwich and inching towards him.

“Excellent. My name is Mark,” he says, extending his hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

I shake his hand, steadying my own, and take a seat.

“Just Mark?” I ask sheepishly.

“Just Mark is fine,” he smiles. “So, how are your classes so far?”

“We just got our syllabuses,” I say, shrugging. “So I don’t really know.”

“That’s fair,” he nods. “Are you finding your classrooms alright?”

“Yeah,” I say, playing with the velcro pocket on my shorts.

“Have you ever seen a counselor or a therapist before, Sunny?” Mark asks.

“N-no…I haven’t,” I say.

“I can tell you’re anxious about this. Do you get anxious often?” he asks bluntly.

“...only recently.”

“Why do you think that is?”

I sigh, pausing to think. Mark smiles at me patiently.

“I guess…it’s because things changed so much.”

Mark nods, typing something on his computer.

“Well, you took a long break from school,” he states point-blank. “And now you’re able to attend again. So would you say things changed for the better?”

Hesitant, I nod.

“I saw my friends again,” I say. “And I apologized for something that I’d been keeping from them.”

“How did that go?” Mark asks.

“They said they forgave me,” I tell him, a knot in my throat betraying my tone. 

They said they forgave me, so everything should be all better now--right?

“You said...that they said they forgave you,” Mark says, pausing his typing. “...not that they forgave you. Do you believe that they forgave you?”

I look at the certificate behind him on the wall, not wanting to think about it but thinking about it anyway. I want to believe them…but do I? Maybe they want to forgive me…but do they really? I mean, how could they?

“You don’t have to answer anything that makes you uncomfortable, Sunny. I’m just here to help you think about the things that are bothering you,” he says. “Right now, I can tell you’re scared. You don’t want to think about this. Maybe it's because you’re afraid of what the answer might be. Everyone feels like that sometimes, but people with anxiety can go in circles with it.”

“Yes,” I say quickly, surprising myself. “That’s exactly it. I’m going in circles. S-so--how do I stop?”

“Well, one option is to distract yourself. Let the question exist, but try to leave it alone for a while. It might resolve itself…

“The other option is to try answering it. You don’t have to decide right away.

“But if there’s one thing I want you to take away from our conversation today, it’s that it’s hard to recognize your own feelings when you don’t know what they feel like. You don’t have to keep telling yourself that you feel nothing when you do feel something,” Mark says. “I can tell you’re used to bottling things up inside. It’s possible to question the narrative that you’ve created without doubting the truth of your emotions.”

I scowl at him, completely lost.

“Don’t make that face—you can do it.”

“It’s possible to question the narrative that you’ve created without doubting the truth of your emotions…?” I say. “...isn’t that a lot to unpack?”

Mark hands me a piece of paper and a pen.

“Go ahead and write it down. That’ll be your homework for tonight,” he smiles.

Chapter Text

“Hey! Sunny!” Aubrey shouts from across the hall. She shoves her way over to me. “What the fuck, dude? I haven’t seen you all week!”

“S-sorry,” I mutter. I wasn’t trying to avoid her, I was just trying to get through the week--keeping my head down. Basil was already busy with AP class work, so when we got home it was straight into our separate rooms.

I tried the distraction thing Mark suggested…but it only brought back bad habits. That white room, empty. Laying there, listening to the loop. Waiting for something to happen.  

I don’t have any other hobbies or interests. I sort of lost what it felt like to be alive after four years alone.

“Catching the bus?” she asked. I nodded, closing my locker. She grabs my hand. “It’s Friday! Hang out with me.”

“O-okay,” I say and she starts to pull me down the hall. “Where are we going?”

“You’ll see,” she says. She leads me to the courtyard and pushes three quarters into the vending machine. She selects an Orange Joe and puts it in the mesh pocket on the side of her backpack before taking a seat on the bench. I join her, my hands in my pockets, enjoying the warm breeze.

“You still look down,” Aubrey says. “What’s bothering you so much?”

“I’m just…adjusting,” I say. “How long do you think we’ll be hanging out? Basil might be worried--”

“--I let him know already,” Aubrey says. “You need to get out of the house, Sunny. It’s not good to stay holed up.”

“I know,” I say, and I mean it. “...thank you for inviting me.”

“You’re too polite,” Aubrey says, punching me in the arm playfully. “It’s gross!”

“ Ow ,” I whine, smiling back at her.

“How are your classes?” she asks. “What are you taking?”

“Algebra II, English 105, Modern World History, PE…and Biology,” I say.

“How’s Mark?” she asks. I look at her, surprised. “He just switched to the high school. He was my counselor, too.”

“O-oh,” I say, my mouth dry. “He’s…friendly…?”

She snickers, kicking up some dirt.

“He’s quite the philosopher. I’m sure you’ve noticed,” she says. “Sometimes it’s helpful. You just have to try your best.”

I nod. So…Mark knows about Mari…

Aubrey looks at her watch, rolling her eyes.

“He’s gonna be late,” she groans. A few seconds later Kel comes sprinting into the courtyard, sweat dripping down his face.

“Sorry I’m late!” Kel shouts, catching his breath. “Ms. Jacobson held me back for not paying attention…again…”

Aubrey hands Kel the Orange Joe she bought and he chugs it, using his shirt collar to wipe the sweat off his face.

“Thanks,” he says. “Is Sunny joining for practice?!”

Aubrey nods, smiling at him. Kel gives me a high five, following it up with a noogie.

The three of us walk to the basketball court behind the high school--a court adjacent to a separate gym building that the district owns at the top of a steep hill. The natural incline is lined with concrete and stadium chairs that overlook our high school’s football field. From the top the wind is cooler and faster than in the courtyard, and Aubrey’s hair flies around softly until we take a seat and she collects it into a high ponytail.

“They try to practice outside while it’s still warm out,” she says, tying her hair. “Hope it’s not too cold for you.”

“No,” I say, shaking my head. “It’s nice.”

Soon Kel is out on the court, practicing his shots. I don’t know much about basketball, so Aubrey goes over the different shots and the scoring system, but even without it I can tell he’s one of the best players on the team. 

His movements are mesmerizing.

“I can’t believe he got even better over the summer,” Aubrey says. “I used to go to his JV games, sometimes. We never talked back then, but I went with Kim since Vance was on the team, and I couldn’t help but stare at Kel…

“I’m glad we’re all together again. It’s too bad we have such different schedules now.”

I nod, not sure what to say. I like hearing Aubrey talk about Kel. I’m happy that if one good thing came from this mess it’s that Kel and Aubrey’s relationship could blossom like this.

“How are things with you and Basil?” Aubrey asks.

“They’re great,” I say, smiling. “He’s been really supportive so far…my mom let us keep Mewo in Faraway, too, so every night we play with her for a little while, and then Basil works on his painting. He gets too nervous when I watch him from behind, so I still don’t know what it looks like…but it’s nice to spend time with him while he’s working anyway.”

Watching his face contort as he tries to get the stroke just right, going over and over the same area… in the dim candlelight of his room… surrounded by flowers… he’d unknowingly rub paint onto his face with the back of his hand as he wiped off the sweat that gathered there… then look at me, relaxing for a moment before returning to the painting and twisting his head this way and that to judge his work…

“Well, since school started he hasn’t been able to paint…he’s so busy with his homework already…so I’ve been in my room a lot more. Basil probably told you about that, huh?” I ask, sighing.

“I think he was relieved you were going to be out this afternoon,” Aubrey nods. “I don’t know how the upper level classes work, but that seems stressful.”

“He’ll be okay, though,” I say. “He’s smart. Smarter than me…and I’ve been making sure he gets to sleep on time every night.”

Aubrey chuckles lightly, patting me on the back.

“I’m glad Basil has you,” she says. “And that you have him...you seem happier when you talk about him.”

…

By the time Kel gets off practice, the sun is already setting.

“Hey, it’s starting to get cooler out!” Kel says, throwing his jacket at me. “Put that on.”

“N-no, I’m fine,” I say, trying to give it back. “...it’s yours…”

“Well, we did kind of drag you out here today,” Aubrey says. “And you are still the baby of the group. You’re probably colder than Kel or I.”

“Are you calling me little?” I ask.

“What, you don’t agree?” Kel asks, grinning sideways at me. I roll my eye, putting his jacket on. We walk down the bleacher stairs to the school courtyard, the colors in the sky changing from red to pink to orange as we descend. The sky is really beautiful today--I wish Basil was here to see it.

…

Basil rinses out his brush, looking up to greet his silent visitor.

“Sunny, is that you?” he asks. Sunny pops his head around the corner, waving timidly. 

“I noticed you’re working on your painting again…so maybe we could talk?” Sunny asks.

“Of course, come in,” Basil says, smiling warmly, happy to hear from him. “How did everything go with Kel and Aubrey?”

Sunny walks in, settling on the armchair aptly placed on the other side of the palette.

“It was okay,” he says, curling his knees into a ball. “I mean, it was nice. But it feels better when I’m with you…”

“I’m sorry about this week! I haven’t been meaning to avoid you,” Basil says, standing up and walking over to the Sunny. “I’ve been so busy I just haven’t been able to catch my breath!”

Sunny looks up to him, worry knitted deep into his brow. 

“Will it be like this all school year?” he asks, his voice small.

“Oh--gosh, no!” Basil says, slapping himself in the forehead. “My schedule got mixed up and the office had to switch my AP classes! The teacher told me I had to finish the summer work by the end of the week or I wouldn’t be able to attend, so I had to read two novels and write a comparative essay--”

“--I’m so sorry!” Sunny interrupts him, standing up and embracing him. “I didn’t know! That sounds awful…”

“--O-oh! It--uh…it wasn’t that bad!” Basil says, his face burning. Sunny pulls away from the hug, a worried look still on his face. “But no, I won’t have to do that again! So you don’t need to worry, okay?”

Sunny nods, sighing and examining Basil’s face.

“Your lips are chapped,” he points out. Basil brings his fingers to his lips, feeling the rough patches.

“I guess we’ve both had a long week, huh?” Basil smiles. “Why don’t I put my painting away and we can watch a movie together? I know just the one.”

Sunny nods, smiling. Basil leads him to the living room, taking his grandma’s huge patchwork quilt out of the storage ottoman and laying it over the couch. In the lower cabinet of the bookcase left of the couch is a small VHS collection from Basil’s youth. Alongside the first few entries from the Captain Spaceboy and Sweetheart series--good choices for group hangouts, but not quite the vibe he’s going for--Basil finds Sunny’s favorite old movie, My Neighbor Totoro , and slides it into the slot in the TV.

“What movie is it?” Sunny asks, already cuddled up in the quilt. Basil takes the TV remote and plops down beside him, telling him to be patient.

After a bunch of old movie previews, the opening sequence finally pops onto screen, the nostalgia shaking Basil to his core.

♪ Arukou, arukou… watashi wa genki ♪ 

"Totoro," Sunny breathes. He hums along, an honest smile on his lips.

As the movie starts, the two boys cuddle up together, Basil’s head leaning on Sunny’s shoulder. He holds his breath, listening to Sunny breathe slowly in and out and trying to match his cadence. 

It’s been over a month since Sunny moved in, but they’ve had surprisingly few moments like this. They’ve been so wound up--so intent on moving from the past that they’ve ignored the present moment. The little things that make it feel like just being in each other’s presence might just be enough.

They stay like that, sinking into the comfort of each other until they eventually fall asleep on each other's shoulders.

Chapter Text

“I spent time with my friends this weekend,” I say, breaking the awkward silence between Mark and I.

He’s started to let me take charge in these sessions--or at least that’s what he said he’s like me to do, though after his long interpretations and prodding questions I always leave feeling more confused than before. Not an uncomfortable confusion--just a nagging one. One that makes me think. I don’t know if I like it--at least not all the time. It gets tiring. But it feels like lately I’ve been getting closer to--to something . I just don’t know entirely what.

“How did it go?” he asks.

“It was nice,” I say. “But…things still don’t feel right. I still feel like I don’t belong.”

“You’re still conflicted,” Mark says, typing something on his computer. “...about whether or not you believe you’ve been forgiven…right?”

“They’re so nice to me now,” I say, nodding. “But when I think about that day…I remember how hurt they were. When I remember their faces--it seems like it'd be impossible for them to forget how horrible what I did was…”

They must be lying…Aubrey was crying so hard…even harder than at Mari’s funeral…and Kel had never looked at me with those eyes before…

I betrayed them, lied to them, manipulated them, and killed their best friend…and now I expect forgiveness, all because I was a coward? Because I was too weak to tell them in the first place?

Even now, look at me…my hands are shaking…even now, when they let it go, I’m still terrified…

Not of heights…not of drowning…not of spiders…

I’m afraid of them leaving me, when they have every right to never want to see me again…

“You said they’re nice to you now,” Mark says, plucking the good from my statement. “If you ask me, that shows that they care about you. If they are nice to you, and they want to hang out with you…things might now be ‘back to normal’ right away, but I do believe that they forgive you, Sunny.”

I nod, rubbing my hands together to try to get them to stop shaking.

“Can I ask you a vulnerable question?” Mark asks.

“S-sure,” I say.

“When you took a break from school, were your friends there for you, Sunny?”

Were they there? Well, no…I was alone…

That’s what I thought. But it doesn’t feel quite right to answer that way. I bite my nails, closing my eyes and trying to think…

“You look tired,” a familiar voice calls out. When I open my eyes again, Mari is patting the open spot on the gingham blanket beside her. “Let’s take a break and have a picnic!”

I sit down, looking into her bright, twinkling eyes. “Ma--”

Basil hands me a plucked tulip, smiling brightly at me. “For you!”

I try to decline but he insists, threading the stem behind my ear.

“It’s perfect,” he says, tipping his head to the side.

“The sky is so pretty today,” Aubrey adds, lying down on the picnic blanket, gazing charmingly at the starry purple sky.

Hero and Kel are looking at the photos in Basil’s album, laughing innocently amongst themselves.

This place feels cold…like something isn’t right. Like I don’t belong here.

“Mari?”

“Sunny? Are you okay?” Mark asks. He’s come around the desk and put his hands on my shoulders.

I shutter, backing away from him--flailing out of his loose grasp.

“I just remembered something…” I say, my voice hollow. “Something I’d forgotten…”

Why now? Why do I remember this?

“Let’s calm down,” Mark says. “Do you think talking about it will help you calm down?”

“My friends…I used to see them everyday,” I say, starting to hyperventilate--ignoring his question. I don’t have a choice. It’s like I have to get it out. “And my sister, too…Mari…

“But it-it w-wasn’t real…it was all i-in my he-head…when I f-fell as-sleep…

“There was a wh-whole world ins-side my head where n-nothing bad ever h-happened…and we were all still k-kids…

“A-and I could s-spend everyday with my f-friends without this p-pain…and g-guilt…

I try to steady my breathing, knowing it must be impossible to listen to me in this state. Mark waits patiently, his hands in his crouched lap.

“When I saw my friends in real life again, that world started to fall apart…and I had to choose between staying there or accepting the real world…” I force out.

“And you chose the real world,” Mark suggests, understanding. I nod. “Children often retreat to their inner worlds when they go through trauma, Sunny. But it seems like you overcame that trauma in a significant way to be sitting in my office today.

“I’m sorry I asked a triggering question.”

“N-no,” I say, looking at Mark anxiously. “That’s not it--it wasn’t that my friends weren’t there for me, it’s…they tried , but--I wasn’t there for them.”

“You don’t have to feel guilty for the way that you grieved,” Mark says. “And we can’t blame them for the way that they did, either.”

“But time only heals wounds if you spend that time healing them. It sounds like you spent that time running away…so it’s understandable that you’re having a tough time accepting reality, even four years later.”

Running away? Yeah, I was…but why does it hurt to hear him say those words to me?

Because you didn’t want to think about that. Because you were afraid of what the answer might be.  

Because it’s your fault you’re still this way.

“You can stay behind until you feel better, Sunny.”

…

I end up missing a whole period--Algebra II--sitting in Mark’s office and practicing breathing exercises. He suggests that I try to make it to my last period since it’s Phys Ed. Moving my body might help me calm down.

Against my better judgment I concede, leaving for the locker room a few minutes early to get ready--before a horde of boys shuffle in and I have to retreat to a bathroom stall to get changed.

“It’s that cyclops kid,” I can overhear one of the boys say from the stall. “I heard he didn’t even graduate middle school.”

“Isn’t he, like, two grades behind?” one of the other boys replies. “He’s so skinny, it’s gross. They shouldn’t let him play team sports--he cost us the handball game the other day…”

I try to tune them out, shoving my normal clothes into my backpack and leaving the stall. The three of them snicker when I have to pass them to put my things back in my gym locker.

I face them, shooting them a glare. 

“What are you looking at, freak?” the third one says. I ignore his comment, remembering rule number three. It isn’t worth it. I turn around, walking towards the stairs to the gymnasium.

Today in PE we’re playing dodgeball…because of course we are. The teacher divides us into teams and I’m in the starting lineup against the kid with bushy eyebrows who called me a freak. Up against the wall waiting for the starting whistle I can see him targeting me. 

When the whistle blows I instinctively stay behind, not wanting to compete for the balls and risk being hit right away, but the teacher spots me and claps his hands at me.

“Let’s go, Sunny!” he shouts. Reluctantly I leave the wall, but the other kids on my team are already far ahead. There’s no chance of getting a ball, so I settle in the middle of the court and wait for balls to come my way. 

It doesn’t take long. In fact, the first ball is aimed directly at me. It’s the bushy eyebrow kid. I manage to catch it, but I don’t see his follow up shot until it connects with my face.

Stars fill my vision and I fall to my knees as the teacher blows the whistle for a foul and the game is paused. 

“Headshot!” the teacher shouts, jogging over to me. “You okay?”

I open my eye and see him reaching out for my hand. I take it, nodding, but my nose starts bleeding as I get to my feet. I pinch the bridge and hold my hand out in front of me to catch the dripping blood, looking for the kid that hit me. He’s laughing with the other boys on the sideline.

“Petey!” the teacher calls to him. “You headshotted him, so you have to escort him to the nurse.”

Petey walks over to us quietly and does as he’s told, leading me into the hallway and even holding the door open for me. The moment we’re in the hall, though, his bully demeanor returns and he starts to stomp off ahead of me.

“Wait!” I say, trying to catch up. “I seriously don’t know where the nurse’s office is…”

“First you get to skip class and now you want me to feel bad for you because you suck at dodgeball?” Petey says, spinning on his heels and looking at me angrily. I stare at him.

“You’re the one who headshotted me on purpose ,” I spit. What the hell did I ever do to him?

Suddenly he grabs me by the collar and I spill the blood I had cupped in my palm on my clothes and the floor, reaching for his wrist to try to stop him from lifting me into the air.

“Listen, kid, don’t fuck with me,” he says, pushing me up against the locker. “I’m not going to treat you like some porcelain doll like everyone else does. People like you piss me off.”

“Let me go,” I say, his grip on my T-shirt digging the fabric into the back of my neck. He looks around at the blood on the floor and drops me.

“Clean this up,” he says, wiping his hand on his shirt. “Someone will freak out if they see blood all over the place.”

He turns to leave and I can feel tears coming to my eye, but I know crying won’t do anything, so I bring my shirt up to my nose and hurry to the bathroom for paper towels to clean up the mess.

I’m a mess. I’m a fucking mess. Before I leave the bathroom I wash my face, shoving bits of crumpled up toilet paper into my nostrils to force-stop the bleeding. The kid is probably right--I’m not a porcelain doll. 

So why can’t I handle this? No more running away.

Chapter Text

“If you’re that worried, you should have just gone home,” Kel’s teammate says, helping Kel collect his things into his backpack after Wednesday’s practice. Aubrey didn’t meet him in the courtyard like she usually does, but he dragged himself to the practice game anyway.

“I’m sorry, dude. I was off my game today,” Kel says, wiping the sweat from his forehead. “I thought I’d feel better if I played.”

“Well, I’m sure your girl is fine,” Kel’s teammate says. “Get a good night's sleep and don’t make the red team lose tomorrow, alright?”

Kel nods, laughing it off and heading across the court where his mom just pulled up.

…

“Thanks for the ride, mom,” Kel says, unbuckling his seatbelt.

“Just call me if you need anything,” she says. “And let Aubrey know…she’s always welcome to stay over in the spare bedroom, alright?”

“Thanks mom. I’m sure—” he pauses, “I hope she won’t need to. But thank you.”

Kel leaves the car and walks to Aubrey’s front door, ringing the bell. His mother waits for him at the curb to make sure someone lets him in. A minute passes and there’s no response, so Kel rings again, crossing his fingers.

Silently, Aubrey opens the door, trying to keep the hinge from squeaking.

“Aubrey?” Kel whispers. “Are you okay?”

“I can’t have friends over right now,” she says, a deep stress knitted in her brow.

“Wh—then can we talk out here?” Kel asks. “You didn’t say anything and missed practice…”

“I’m sorry,” Aubrey says. “I can’t…”

“I need to make sure you’re safe,” Kel says, raising his voice. Unable to hide the panic rising within him.

“Who’s there?!” Aubrey’s mom yells drunkenly from the couch. “Aubrey?”

“It’s no one! They're leaving!” Aubrey shouts back, trying to close the door on Kel. He shoves his foot in at the last second to keep it from closing all the way.

“What are you doing?” Aubrey whispers. 

“I can tell something is wrong,” he says, reaching for her hand.

Before he can get a hold of her, something yanks her back and she yells sharply, releasing her hold on the door. Kel bursts through, seeing her mother holding her by the hair.

“Who is this?!” Aubrey’s mom screams into her ear, pulling her down to the floor. “I told you not today!”

“Stop!” Kel yells, grabbing Aubrey’s mother by the wrist. She lets go of Aubrey and uses her other hand to strike him across the face.

“Mom!” Aubrey screams, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Stop! Don’t touch him!”

“Get out!” her mom growls back. “Both of you! Get out, now!”

Kel backs away from Aubrey’s mom, helping a sobbing, shrieking Aubrey off the floor and leading her to the front yard.

His mom is still waiting at the curb and jumps out of the car after seeing Kel walk Aubrey out. 

“What happened?” Kel’s mom asks from across the yard.

“I’m sorry,” Kel says, bursting into tears and embracing Aubrey. “It was my fault.”

His mom walks over to the couple, examining the bruises on Aubrey’s arms. She brushes her fingers over them gently as Aubrey’s sobs resonate in the air between them.

“Let’s go home,” she says, herding the two hysterical teenagers into the minivan.

…

“Are you sure you don’t need anything else, hun?” Kel’s mom asks from the doorframe.

Aubrey is bundled in a blanket, holding a cup of tea in her hands. Kel sits beside her, rubbing her thigh gently as she sniffles.

“I think she’s good, mom,” he says. “Let us talk it out, okay?”

Begrudgingly Kel’s mom nods, closing the door to give them privacy. Kel lets a short silence sink in, examining Aubrey’s tired expression. Her eyes are sunken and her lips are chapped. Little sniffles escape from her here and there as she settles into a calmer demeanor.

“You can talk to me,” Kel says quietly. “About anything, Aubrey…”

“It’s nothing new,” she says. “I didn’t want to get you involved.”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s not new,” Kel says. “This shouldn’t be happening at all…it shouldn’t be normal for you.”

“Well it is,” she says, picking at her cuticles.

“Okay,” Kel says, willing himself not to react angrily. “Okay…”

“I’m sorry I missed practice,” Aubrey says.

“That’s not--”

“It wasn’t my mom that kept me from going,” she cuts him off. “Well…it wasn’t just my mom. I’ve--I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve been having these nightmares…”

***

“Get away from me!” Basil shrieks.

He shoves me…his face is red and angry, like I’ve never seen it before.

It’s not an accident, it’s on purpose. He’s pushing me because he’s finally mad at me. 

Why did it need to be now, on the pier? When I hit the water, my body is paralyzed. I’ve never been a strong swimmer, but the water is sharp like ice, forcing the oxygen from my lungs. The surface is disappearing. The light is dimming. I don’t want to die…

When I open my eyes again, Hero is looking over me. 

“Thank god,” he says, breathing a sigh of relief.

“I’m alive,” I say, sucking in huge gulps of air. I jolt up, looking around for him. “You--you tried to kill me--”

“N-no! I didn’t mean to,” Basil says, starting to cry. “I just--”

“Let’s just get you home, Aubrey,” Hero says, helping me up.

“W-wait!” Basil says, calling after us as we start to walk away.

“Stop!” Kel shouts at him. “Don’t you think you’ve caused enough trouble?”

***

“Every time I wake up I remember what really happened that day--I almost killed him…I almost killed both of them, all because I was mad…when I didn’t even understand what they were really going through,” Aubrey cries. “You all forgave me instantly…you didn’t hold it against me…but in my dreams, I can’t forgive Basil. After feeling like I was really going to die…I can’t forgive him, even if his anger was justified…

“The guilt is ripping me apart, Kel,” Aubrey cries into his shoulder. “I’m a horrible friend…”

“No you’re not,” Kel says. “You know that’s not true.”

“I haven’t even properly apologized to Basil,” she continues. “I can still tell that things aren’t right between us. There’s something unspoken…I just don’t know how to bring it up…when things are still so uncomfortable for him…

“And with Sunny, too…he’s still on edge around me…it’s my fault for being such a jerk to Basil. You don’t have to deny it. I know it’s true.”

“Sunny and Basil are best friends,” Kel nods. “Maybe if you talk to Sunny about it, he can help you find a way to apologize.”

Aubrey takes a sip of her now lukewarm tea.

“Maybe.”

“I think you’re being harder on yourself than he’ll be on you,” Kel says. “I don’t even think he blames you for what you did…think about it. With everything that happened…”

“I know,” Aubrey says. “I know that must be true. I just needed to hear it from someone else, I guess.”

Kel gives Aubrey a little hug, kissing her on the cheek.

“Thanks, Kel,” she says, putting her tea on the nightstand beside them. She opens her arms for another, bigger cuddle. Kel obliges and she holds him tightly, breathing into his neck.

“Are you okay now?” he asks nervously.

“I think so,” she says. “Can we just stay like this?”

Kel gulps, a feeling of want overcoming him. Very seldom had he ever seen Aubrey shed tears. Unlike Hero, who to this day cries at the drop of a hat, Aubrey has always held everything inside. Letting him hold her like this--letting herself feel vulnerable--reminds Kel of the night they started dating. 

***

The night that Kel convinced Aubrey to visit Sunny in the hospital, the two of them ran into each other at the park way past curfew. Aubrey’s eyes were red-rimmed from crying, but her cheeks were dry and she held her head high as he approached her swing.

“What are you doing out here so late?” he asked, taking a seat on the swing beside her. “It’s chilly, you know.”

“I could ask you the same thing,” she said, her voice rusty, betraying her tough facade.

“I asked first,” Kel responded, just the tiniest amount of snark in his tone. Aubrey sighed shakily, leaning back in her swing and holding herself taught with her frankly quite toned arms, Kel couldn’t help but notice. He felt even farther away from her with every moment that passed. This wasn’t the Aubrey he once knew, he reminded himself. This Aubrey really hated him--not a joking, friendly kind of hate. A real abhorrence.

“You know, when you asked me how I could just move on the way I did…I was mad at myself, too,” Kel told her. “But what other choice did I have? Everyone left me…even Hero left me. Suddenly just smiling and joking didn’t work anymore. I started to think…maybe everyone was just putting up with me, all those years? Maybe I was really just this annoying kid that no one had the patience left for--”

“No, don’t say that!” Aubrey interrupted him, forcing herself back to center. “Kel you’ve always been able to light up a room--even for me! We just weren’t ready for that back then…we weren’t able to bounce back like you did…but that’s not your fault, Kel. I was…I was being a douche, blaming you.”

“Maybe a little,” Kel said, chuckling nervously--it was really closer to a scoff than a chuckle. “You think I’m able to light up a room?”

Aubrey flushed, staring at her feet.

“More than a room,” she mumbled, so quiet that Kel wasn’t sure he really heard her right.

“Then you’ll stay with me, from now on?” Kel asked. “Will you help me put the pieces of our friendship back together again?”

“No,” she said, her voice heavy and damp.

“W-what?” he stopped, trying to meet her wandering eyes. “Why?”

His voice was breaking. He couldn’t stop it--he couldn’t control himself. Why, why--why now? Why not? But she just said--

“I don’t want to be your friend, Kel. The real reason I’ve been avoiding you…is because I didn’t want to feel this way,” Aubrey said, the tears she’d been holding back escaping from her eyes. “I shouldn’t feel like this right now, after all this time…after everything should be falling apart…it’s not right--”

“What are you talking about, Aubs?” Kel croaked out, holding her by the trembling shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

“I like you, Kel,” she says finally, her face a crimson red. “Like, like like you. I have for a while now.”

After a moment of pure shock, Kel embraced Aubrey as her tears soaked into his jersey.

“I’m here,” he comforted her, petting down her frizzy, unkempt hair. “I don’t know what makes you think you deserve a complete idiot like me, but…I’ll always be here.”

***

As selfish as it sounds, Kel is happy to know that he’s the only one with the power to comfort her like this.

He takes Aubrey’s face in his hands, looking into her puffy, red eyes. Slowly, he lowers his lips to hers, kissing her. She kisses him back, combing her fingers through his hair.

“I love you,” she whispers. “Thank you.”

…

“Can I see it now ?” I ask for the umpteenth time. Basil sighs, dipping his brush into the glass of dirty water beside him.

“Noooo,” he growls. “Not yet.”

“You said it was almost done an hour ago,” I whine. He gives me a look, then returns his eyes to the canvas.

“It is almost done,” he sighs. “Patience, Sunny.”

“You’re so focused ,” I tease him. It’s cute.

“Your teasing is not as effective as it used to be,” Basil replies, cracking a smile. I pout, slouching in my chair.

“Alright…” he finally says, standing up from his stool and taking a step back. “It’s done.”

I jump up from my seat, coming around to his side of the easel for the first time.

“Is that…me?” I ask, starting at the painting. There’s a lone boy with black hair and black eyes, surrounded by a sea of teal and purple. 

***

Where…am I?

Little daisies poke up here and there in the grass around my bare feet, their translucent petals sparkling in the dew. Ahead of me, not far off, is a giant pinwheel, spinning slowly among the clouds. 

I know this place.

“It’s the place from my dreams…it was the only place I could see you.”

Why does it feel so cold here?

My skin is pale, like a dead person. Suddenly Kel and Aubrey, their faces younger and plumper though almost as pale as mine, are sprinting ahead of me, calling out for me to follow. I plant my feet firmly, feeling something is very wrong.

“Even though everyone else was there in the dream, none of them felt real. Like they were copies.”

“C’mon, Omori! What are you waiting for?” Mari asks, taking me by the hand. It hurts to resist her pull. No, these versions of my friends weren’t copies. They were…

“Like memories...”

But I still couldn’t let you go--even in my dreams--

I saw your shadow when no one else could, begging me to follow him. Begging me to leave this place behind…

“Do you remember it?”

Do you remember the day before you disappeared? Do you remember telling us about the sunflowers you wanted to be like? You were always like a sunflower, Basil. I was the one who ruined that…who ruined you…

***

“Sunny!” Basil snaps. He’s squeezing my biceps so hard that they hurt. I wriggle out of his grip, holding my arms. When I look back at the painting, the purple and teal are gone--it’s just me, standing in a field of white flowers below a clear blue sky.

“S-sorry,” I say, sliding to the ground against the bedroom wall. “I--I had a flashback, that’s all…”

“I-it’s okay,” Basil says, lowering himself to the ground not far from where I’m sitting. “Can you tell me about it? Maybe…I might remember?”

“It was from a dream,” I say, shaking my head. “You wouldn’t--”

“I know,” he says, nodding. “You said that part…out loud.”

I look him in the eyes. He seems earnest about this.

“Did you…have those kinds of dreams, too?” I ask. He looks at the ground, spacing out. Remembering. He nods again.

“I’ve never told anyone about them. Not even my therapists.”

“I told Mark,” I say. “Last week when I was in his office I remembered them suddenly. I didn’t want to tell him, really…he just happened to be there, I guess.”

“You remembered ?” Basil asks. I nod.

“I had to abandon that place,” I say. “I can’t go there anymore.”

“Is it hard not being able to?” he asks. I think for a moment--not about the answer, but about how I’m supposed to tell him. 

“I miss it,” I admit. “But if I didn’t choose the real world, I wouldn’t be able to see you.”

Basil’s face flushes.

“I thought I told you…your teasing doesn’t work on me anymore,” he says, pouting at me. I scooch over to him, taking his hand in mine.

“I’m not joking,” I say, leaning on his shoulder. “Even now…it feels like you’re the only person in the world who really understands me.”

I can feel the heat radiating from Basil’s face. His breath is steady but shaky and his heartbeat is quick. My own heart tightens in my chest. I want to say it. I want to tell him.

“Uh--boys?” Polly calls. Basil and I spin around to face her in sync, our faces crimson red. “It’s time for bed.”

“Oh, right!” Basil says. “Sorry, we lost track of time.”

“No worries,” she says, smiling. “Just get to sleep soon. School tomorrow.”

Basil nods, getting to his feet and starting to clean up his art supplies. I help him, taking his brushes with me to the bathroom sink and rinsing everything out. 

The night is long and lonely. As always, I don’t dream.

Chapter Text

“Well, today marks three weeks since we met each other,” Mark says, taking his eyes off of his computer screen and looking at me. “How do you feel today?”

“It feels like a Monday,” I say flatly.

“Did you finish your homework assignment for me?” he asks.

I shake my head.

“I don’t remember what you asked me to do,” I lie.

“Well, that’s okay,” he says. “But the longer we wait, the longer your symptoms have to progress. You know that, right?”

I sigh.

“Listen, Sunny. If I could prescribe for you, I would. But I need you to know that no matter how much work we do together here, I can’t guarantee that your flashbacks will go away. Medication can make that process a lot easier for you.”

“But I don’t want to forget,” I say, frowning. “Those flashbacks were the first time I was able to remember it…”

The world where Mari was still alive with us. Where everyone was happy.

“I thought I moved on, but really, I just blocked it out again,” I continue. “A memory that was too painful to remember.”

Mark lets a long moment pass between us, as if he’s trying to figure out what to say next. It’s almost funny how I’m able to stump him like this nowadays--but it’s also terrifying. Like maybe I am untreatable after all.

“Even though your inner world is gone, you’re still stuck in the past, Sunny,” Mark states clearly. “Even though you thought you accepted your mistakes, that self forgiveness hinged on the idea that your friends would also relieve your guilt instantly…would you agree?”

“I--I didn’t really expect them to…but I guess…I still had hope,” I nod, thinking about the friends in my dream world.

KEL: I know we’ve missed out on each other for the past few years…but it doesn’t have to stay that way. 

HERO: You have to put a little trust in us, too.

KEL: Just because you’ve done something bad…doesn’t make you bad.

HERO: You’ve had to live with this pain for so long…and you’ve been keeping it all inside.

There’s more good times to come…

We’re here for you because you want us to be.

KEL: And…we really hope this isn’t goodbye.

HERO: Whatever you end up choosing…we will always want what’s best for you.

KEL: I promise to stick with you until the very end! Yeah…I think we’ll always be best friends.

BASIL: Aubrey, Kel, and Hero are good friends. You have to trust that they’ll forgive us.

“When they reacted impulsively--when they revealed they were hurt--that self forgiveness fell apart,” Mark declares. “Even though they ultimately decided to forgive you, you knew that a part of them was angry, sad…or even disgusted, you’ve said, with your actions. You knew that they needed more time than the friends in your head to trust you and see you as the Sunny they loved again.”

I nod, tears coming to my eye. No matter how many times I cry, it’s never enough. It’s like the emotions I had bottled up aren’t pouring out--never really ever came pouring out, even though it may have sometimes felt like it--they’re leaking from a tiny crack in a giant jug.

“Sunny--what you need to understand is that the friends in your head knew the extent of the punishment you already inflicted on yourself. Your friends in real life are left only to imagine what punishment you went through, and now you’re punishing yourself all over again to try to get them to understand. If you want them to trust you, you have to trust them.

“You have to trust that your real friends truly forgive you, even if they don’t know how hard you are on yourself. You have to trust that they believe the bad thing you did was an accident. That knowledge is enough, Sunny. If you can do that, you won’t miss your inner world anymore.”

I think about his words. The dream world was never real. The friends there were never real. They were just imaginary friends I kept around to help me numb the pain.

“I do trust them,” I say. Besides Basil and my mom, the two people who’d known from the start, the three of them are the only people in the world who now know my secret. Despite that, they’ve been the nicest to me since I left my room.

Even though I took Mari away, the real Hero stayed by my side in the hospital. He told me he was glad I was still here. He told me he would have been there for me.

Even though I took Mari away, the real Aubrey bought me a Tasty Soda. She told me she was happy I’m alive.

Even though I took Mari away, the real Kel helped me move in with Basil. He invited me to a surprise party for his brother, and gave me a noogie when I went to his basketball practice.

All three of them have been doing everything possible to help make my life better. To help me forgive myself. All of them did their best to set aside their grievances with my actions, knowing I hid from them for four years, afraid of what they might think.

“I finally understand,” I say. “It’s because I treasure my real friends so much that I invented imaginary ones.”

“When you chose the real world, that wasn’t the end. It was only the beginning,” Mark says, offering me a tissue. “You have to keep moving forward, Sunny. It’s not a decision you make once. It’s a decision you make everyday.”

Chapter Text

Basil takes a seat beside me a few minutes after I board the bus home. 

“Hey Sunny,” he says, putting his backpack on his lap.

“Hey,” I croak, smiling at him.

“A-are you okay?” he asks, hearing the difference in my voice. “Your eye’s all red.”

I nod, taking a deep, shaky breath and offering a weak smile.

“I’ve just…had a long day, that’s all,” I say.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks. I look at my reflection in the window, noticing the freshmen lining the seats behind me.

“Not here,” I say, leaning into the window. Basil reaches for my hand and I let him curl his fingers between mine, closing my eye.

“Flower boy and cyclops sitting in a tree…” one of the freshmen snickers behind us.

“K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” the other one finishes.

I huff, taking my hand away from Basil and holding my knees to my chest.

“I’m sorry,” Basil whispers, looking me in the tired eye.

“It’s fine,” I say, smiling at him as I lean my head on my knees. A few minutes pass in silence between us and I close my eye again, trying to get some rest despite the bumps in the road.

After several minutes I can feel Basil pat my head and I open my eye again, wondering if we’re almost home.

But it’s not Basil.

It’s Petey.

I try to slap away the hand reaching over from the seat behind me but he holds me by the hair, poking something hard into my scalp.

“Stop!” I shout, bringing my hands to my head. He slinks away, returning quickly to his seat in the back of the bus. Basil gasps, realizing what just happened.

“Oh my god,” he says, pulling my hand away to inspect my scalp. “He put gum in your hair.”

I grit my teeth, curling my fingers into fists. It’s not worth it , I remind myself. I bang my head on the window painfully, trying to release some of my pent up anger.

“S-Sunny, don’t!” Basil says, putting his hand between my head and the glass. In middle school the bus driver might have interfered, but on the high school bus nothing can be heard over the booming laughter of the boys in the back.

I lean into his hand, letting silent tears fall down my cheek. 

…

Basil cringes as Polly closes the scissors in Sunny’s hair, making an audible “snip.” 

“That’s it,” Polly says, rubbing Sunny’s back. “It’s all out, sweetie. Your hair is so thick you can hardly tell, okay?”

Sunny nods, sighing heavily.

“Why don’t you go rest? I can tell you had a tiring day. I can even bring you dinner in your room if you’d like,” Polly offers.

“It’s okay,” Sunny says, shaking his head. “I just want to hang out with Basil.”

Basil’s heart skips a beat when Sunny suggests that, but he’s also so worried about Sunny. Despite Sunny’s quiet, solemn nature, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen the boy look so defeated. He helps Sunny up from the toilet and the two of them make their way to Sunny’s room, sitting down side by side on the little twin bed.

Sunny brings his hand to his head, feeling for the little spot of missing hair. It really isn’t noticeable, but it bothers Basil nonetheless.

“I’m sorry, Sunny,” Basil says, breaking down. “I’m sorry I made you stay in this horrible town…”

Sunny’s eye goes wide and he tries to get Basil to lift his head back up, but Basil is already starting to weep.

“I guilted you into staying with me…and now you’re being bullied because of me,” Basil goes on. “A-and things are still awkward between us and our friends…even though they forgave us, I should have known things would never be the way they were before…”

“Stop!” Sunny shouts, holding his forehead in frustration. “Stop it, Basil…that’s not true…”

“H-huh?” Basil says, lifting his head to look at Sunny.

“It’s not true,” Sunny says, shaking his head and meeting Basil in the eyes with a smile. “They’re doing everything they can to remind us that they’re still here for us…”

“B-but--” Basil starts, but Sunny cuts him off.

“Things are still weird because we’ve--well, I’ve been pushing them away, still. Keeping a distance, because I was afraid. But I’m done doing that, Basil! I’m done running away from these feelings!

“When I decided to stay, it was because I was tired of running away--because I treasure our friends too much to throw them away--a-and…and--”

Sunny pauses, catching his breath.

“Because…I love you, Basil,” he says, his voice a whisper.

Basil stares at him, dumbfounded.

“Wh-what?” he stutters.

“I love you,” Sunny says again, this time clearer. His face is bright red.

Basil’s tears return and Sunny closes in on himself, assuming the worst.

“You really do?” Basil asks, his voice cracking.

Sunny nods.

“I didn’t know how to tell you…or what you would say,” Sunny says.

“I love you, too,” Basil says, unable to stop himself from weeping. “I--I’ve always loved you, Sunny--”

Surprised, Sunny stops him, kissing him quickly on the lips. 

After a moment of shock, Basil closes his eyes and returns the kiss. The two boys fall into each other’s nervous holds, shifting into a different position on the bed, Basil holding himself up stiffly over Sunny.

“You can relax now, Basil,” Sunny says. “We don’t have to feel guilty anymore. Just lay with me.”

Basil nods, lowering himself gently onto Sunny’s chest. He listens to Sunny’s heart beat wildly, trying to steady his own breathing. Sunny wraps his arms over Basil’s shoulders, smelling Basil’s hair.

“You have done so much for me,” Sunny continues. “You forgave me for leaving you. You offered me your home. You fed me. You let me watch you paint, even though it made you nervous. You snapped me out of flashbacks and panic attacks. You’ve always done your best, Basil. You never gave up on me.”

“I stabbed you in the eye,” Basil says, smiling awkwardly.

“It was a small price to pay,” Sunny replies quickly, squeezing Basil gently in reassurance. “You were panicking. I was panicking, too. I never said you were perfect…but nobody is. We all make mistakes.”

“You’re a lot stronger now,” Basil says.

“You are, too,” Sunny nods. “Despite everything, we both kept going.”

“It’s still hard sometimes,” Basil admits, his voice cracking.

“I know,” Sunny says, hushing him. “I know. But you have to keep going. Everyday, you have to choose to keep going. Okay, Basil?”

Basil lifts his head, giving Sunny a quick kiss on the neck.

“Okay,” he whispers.

Chapter Text

For the first time since the start of the year, Sunny is eating his lunch in the courtyard. Mark had decided that he was ready to cut down their sessions to three times a week, so Sunny found an open table and settled down all by himself, savoring his peanut butter and jelly sandwich in tiny bites.

Of course, the freshman bullies know nothing of Sunny’s counseling. And of course, all three of them happen to have the same lunch period as Sunny--something Sunny didn’t have to deal with until today.

“Ew, Cyclops is at lunch today,” one of them snickers. The boys are sitting across the walkway, out of Sunny’s earshot.

“I guess his lover has a different lunch period,” Petey mocks, making a kissy face.

“You ever wonder if he’s really a cyclops?” the other boy taunts.

Petey shoots him a smirk, liking the idea.

“You wanna find out?” he asks.

Petey stands up and the other two boys follow his lead, walking over menacingly to where Sunny is sitting.

“Yo, cyclops,” Petey jeers. Sunny ignores him, taking another tiny bite of his sandwich. One of the boys slams his fist on the table, causing Sunny to startle.

“What do you want?” Sunny asks, annoyed.

“We were wondering--what’s under the eyepatch?” one of the freshman taunts. “Did you really lose an eye?”

“What is wrong with you?” Sunny asks, glaring at him with a look of disgust on his face.

Annoyed by the response, Petey pushes Sunny’s head to the table, shouting at the others to untie the patch. One of them gets it off, throwing it to the ground.

“Eek!” the boy says, jumping back when Sunny’s scarred and depressed eyelid is exposed. “Gross!”

Suddenly, Sunny headbutts Petey in the face, breaking free and standing up to throw a punch at the other kid. It connects with the freshman’s nose.

“Don’t touch me!” Sunny screams, catching the attention of the kids around them. He’s breathing heavily, moments away from full-blown panic.

The kid who was punched takes his hand away from his face, revealing fresh blood spilling from his nose.

“Shit,” Sunny says, looking down at his shaking hands. The other freshman shoves Sunny to the ground, putting his foot on Sunny’s chest as Petey starts kicking him in the head.

…

Fuck rule number three. I’m going to die here. I’m seriously going to die.

After three or four kicks, stars start to overtake my vision. I close my eye and wait for the world to go black, but suddenly the kicking stops and the weight on my chest is lifted.

“Aubrey?!” Petey yells. I open my eye to see Aubrey above me, baseball bat behind her back.

“What the fuck are you guys doing?!” she screams at them.

“Why are you here?” Petey asks. Without another word, Aubrey swings at him, narrowly missing his head.

“Get out!” she screams.

“You’re a freak…!” the boy with the bloody nose shouts. “You’re both freaks!”

Terrified, the three of them run off, leaving me and Aubrey alone.

“Shit--Sunny!” Aubrey says, falling to her knees beside me. “Are you okay?!”

“Y-yeah,” I say, trying to get my bearings and sitting up. My head is pulsing with pain, but I’m alive. “Can you help me find my eye?”

“S-sorry?” Aubrey asks, startled.

“They took my eyepatch,” I explain, nursing my head. “I have a prosthetic eye in my bag…”

Aubrey nods, searching through my backpack while I keep both my eyes closed, warding off my ensuing headache through pure will. She hands me the case with my eye in it and I pop it into my eye socket. Having never really worn it before, it feels weird, but it’s better than nothing.

I open both my eyes, blinking several times to clear my vision.

“C’mon, let’s get out of here,” Aubrey says, throwing my backpack over her shoulder and dragging me off the ground.

“Wha-where are we going?” I ask, struggling to get my footing.

“Don’t worry about it,” she says, speeding away with a firm grasp on me.

She grabs a little pink bedazzled walkie-talkie out of her bomber jacket pocket and clicks the talk button.

“Kim, do you copy?” she calls.

“Copy,” Kim responds over the radio.

“Something came up. I’m ditching seventh and eighth period.”

“Copy, do you need backup?” Kim asks.

“Should be fine,” Aubrey says. “Meet me at the tubes afterschool.”

…

Aubrey led me up the bleacher stairs, through the quiet basketball court, over the guardrail, across the freeway, and into the woods north of the high school. She frequently had to slow down so that I could catch my breath, even offering to give me a piggyback ride at one point, but I did everything I could to keep up with her and eventually we arrived at “the tubes”--a wide open dirt field piled with large cement construction pipes big enough to crawl into. Aubrey parkours her way onto one, hoisting her body over the 4 foot tall tube.

Nervously I try to get a grip on the edge of the tube, looking up at her suspiciously.

“Just give it a shot,” she says, smiling back at me. “It’s fun.”

“Are we even allowed to be here?” I ask, struggling to lift my lower body onto the top of the tube.

“Sunny, we just ditched school,” she laughs, giving me a hand. “Of course we aren’t allowed to be here.”

I smile, rolling my eyes.

“Don’t think you could ditch without me!” a shrill voice calls from the woods behind us.

“Kim?!” Aubrey yells, seeing her friend speed into view. Kim similarly parkours her way onto the tube, smiling brightly.

“Oh, uh, hey!” Kim says, looking me up and down. She extends her hand and I take it nervously. Her grip is tight.

“I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced. I’m Kim,” she says, shaking my hand. “But you probably already knew that.”

“I’m Sunny,” I say. Kim’s eyes widen in shock.

“He speaks!” she says, looking at Aubrey in disbelief.

“I told you,” Aubrey scoffs, rolling her eyes and curling her lips into a smile.

“I guess flower boy knocked the mute right out of you,” Kim chuckles. I chuckle faintly back, not sure how to reply.

“Uhh--yeah,” I say. “He’s a great friend, to be honest.”

“Oh yeah?” Kim teases, raising her eyebrows. “Well, I’m sure we’ll get to hear all about it.”

“C’mon, let's go a little farther out,” Aubrey suggests, jumping from our tube to the next. Kim follows her, looking back at me.

“Ya comin’?” She asks. I nod, summoning up my courage and making my first jump. 

Adrenaline seizes me and I suddenly understand what Aubrey meant when she said this was fun.

…

“So, what are we ditching for this time?” Kim asks, sitting down and catching her breath. The three of us settled in a tube a few hundred feet from the forest trail--one with Aubrey and Kim’s names spelled in pink graffiti on the inside.

“...Sunny? Do you want to tell her?” Aubrey asks, putting her hand on my knee. I sigh, closing my eyes. I nod, but I really don’t feel like talking about it. Aubrey seems to understand and speaks for me.

“Some kids were bullying him,” she says. “It got ugly…but it seems like I got there just in time.”

“Well, you were a little late,” I correct her, bringing my hand to the lumps forming on my face.

Kim throws her backpack onto her lap, unzipping it and rustling through her things.

“Are you in pain?” she asks. I shrug.

“Well…yeah, a little bit,” I admit. She’s about to take something out of her bag with Aubrey grabs her wrist, stopping her.

“Don’t take that out!” she hisses.

“Why not?” Kim asks, pulling her back away from Aubrey’s grasp. “He’s not a baby, Aubs. Don’t you want to include him?”

“What are you guys talking about?” I ask.

Kim pulls out a little brown cigarette, holding it in her open palm.

“W-what’s that?” I ask, looking at Aubrey.

“It’s a blunt,” Kim says, giggling. I stare at her, still lost.

“It’s weed,” Aubrey says, sighing. “Put it away, Kim.”

“Sunny’s in pain, dude! It’ll at least help with that…besides, didn’t you say you wanted to talk to him?” Kim asks.

“ Yeah he’s in pain, he needs a fucking first aid kit not a--”

“You wanted to talk to me?” I ask, peeling my eyes off the blunt to look at Aubrey--unintentionally interrupting her banter. “About what?”

Aubrey’s face goes red and swipes the blunt from Kim’s hand.

“Fine, I’m not doing this sober,” she says, pulling a Hello Kitty lighter out of her pocket and lighting the end of it. “One hit.”

She takes a drag from the blunt, exhaling slowly.

“She always says she’s only doing one,” Kim laughs, taking the blunt from Aubrey and taking a drag herself. She turns the blunt to me, offering it. “Wanna try?”

I take it, not sure how to do it.

“Just inhale,” Kim says. “Take it slow.”

I do as she says. My lungs fill with an awful tickle and I cough violently, holding the blunt in my hand for someone to take. Aubrey pats me on the back several times as I try to catch my breath.

“Easy there cowboy,” Kim says, giggling. “How do you feel?”

When I’m finally able to breathe again, I wipe the tears from my eye and look at Aubrey as she smiles so brightly and genuinely at me. For the first time it feels like I’m seeing the real Aubrey--and maybe she’s seeing the real me, too.

“Whoa,” I say in awe. Aubrey takes another hit of the blunt, handing it over to Kim again.

…

At some point the blunt had run out and soft hands pulled my rough ones away from the concrete it felt like I was sinking into. My legs felt like they belonged to someone else as I stumbled through the woods with the two giggling girls, far, far away, cold and hot and happy and sad at the same time--deep into the woods, where risque acts and underage drinking and all the things Mari told me to stay far, far away from take place. But Aubrey was here and Aubrey was safe and she forgave me, she really really did.

“Aubrey…slow down,” I gasp out, a small giggle escaping from my throat. “Hold on, where are we going?”

“I don’t know,” she laughs, slowing down. “Just running. It feels good.”

“Let’s take a break, then,” I say, catching my breath. “I want to talk…you wanted to talk.”

Aubrey’s face goes blank when I remind her.

“Oh, yeah,” she says, forcing another smile. Kim rushes to her side, clinging to her.

“Is everything okay?” I ask, worried for her.

“Y-yeah,” she says. “It’s just…you’re really close with Basil, right Sunny?”

“Yeah,” I say, blushing slightly. “W-why?”

“Does Basil…does he ever bring up that day at the lake?” she asks.

I tip my head in confusion, unsure of what she’s talking about.

“What…?”

“That day at the lake, by our old hangout spot--you know? It was a few days before you were supposed to move away, and I--well, you remember, don’t you?”

“O-oh,” I say, remembering. I nod. “Yeah, I remember…it was the day Hero came home.”

“Well?” she presses me. “Does he ever talk about…how I pushed him?”

“...no,” I say. “He’s never brought it up. I don’t think it’s even crossed his mind.”

“I need to apologize to him…directly,” Aubrey says. “I just don’t know how to.”

“Basil’s not mad,” I tell her. “He still thinks you’re mad at him .”

“I was never mad at him! And I was never mad at you, either,” she says. “I was just in shock…I didn’t know how to react to that . And of course…I still miss her so much.”

“I know…I miss her, too,” I say, hugging her. She hugs me back, sighing deeply. “Please don’t cry…”

“You either,” she says, her voice thick. “Your eye’s always red. I’m worried about you…but I don’t want to make things worse. I can tell…you’re still uncomfortable around me, aren’t you?”

“I thought you were still uncomfortable around me,” I say. “I’ve been so anxious, Aubrey…sometimes I still think…I’d be better off not around.”

She pulls me away, her face gray.

“What do you mean not around?”

I look away from her, ashamed.

“Not you, too,” she says, finally letting her tears flow. “I can’t lose you, too…”

Kim grabs hold of Aubrey, wiping her tears with the sleeve of her blouse.

“I’m sorry,” I say, needing to sit. “I shouldn’t have said that--”

“You think?” Kim snaps, upset.

“No--you can tell me anything,” Aubrey says, sitting beside me. “You can tell me the truth. Feel what you need to feel. But please promise me…that if you ever feel that way you’ll talk to me, or Kel, or Basil…”

“I will,” I say, nodding. “I promise.”

The three of us sit there quietly, listening to the sound of the water trickling in the nearby creek. I’m not sure how much time passes, but by the time I’m ready to speak again, the high is starting to wear off.

“I don’t know if I should say this,” I say, breaking the silence, “but I think you should tell him now.”

“What?” Aubrey asks, dumbfounded.

“I think you should tell him you’re sorry now,” I say, looking her in the eyes. “You just need to say it--to reassure him. Because…he’s the same as me, Aubrey. That night when we fought…”

I pause, putting my hand up to my prosthetic eye.

“He was trying to use those shears on himself.”

Chapter Text

“Don’t worry,” I say, hushing Aubrey as she rambles on. She’d been rambling since we left the tubes, talking about how she wished she talked to Basil more and how she was worried they’d upset Polly coming over so late and wondering if we’d be found out for smoking.

“But what if--”

“--I’ll handle it!” I say, cutting her off. I knock on the door, waiting for Polly or Basil to answer. To my relief, it’s Basil.

“Sunny!” he shouts. “Where have you been?! I’ve been worried sick!”

His shock comes as a surprise, but then I realize it’s already dark out.

“Oh shit,” I say. “What time is it?”

“Wh--you smell funny,” Basil says, his face angry. 

“I-I--” I start, but Aubrey comes through with a save.

“Can we talk inside?” Aubrey asks, interrupting us. “Please?”

Basil obliges, letting us both inside where we settle on the living room floor. 

“Basil, Sunny and I have been talking,” she says, avoiding Basil’s glance from the couch. “I know we haven’t talked as much as we used to since the accident…but I just want you to know that I really care about you Basil! I’ve made a lot of mistakes…I haven’t been there for you like I should…and…

“I’m sorry I pushed you that day…I was angry, and I wasn’t thinking straight…I never apologized to you properly, so I wanted to do it now. Can you forgive me, Basil?”

“O-of course!” Basil says, surprised. “I-I care about you too, Aubrey! I forgave you a long time ago…”

Aubrey rushes over to Basil, hugging him tightly. I fight off the tiny twinge of jealousy, remembering that Aubrey is one of our closest friends, even if she felt so far away these last few years. 

Since the accident, none of our friends have gotten that close to Basil.

“Thank you,” she says, pulling away from the hug. “I promise I’ll do my best from now on. So if you need anything, you can count on me, okay?”

Basil smiles at her brightly, nodding.

Polly enters the living room then, switching on the lights and clearing her throat, arms crossed. Aubrey and I cover our eyes instinctively, the brightness burning them.

“Welcome home, Sunny,” Polly says, smiling with her mouth but not her eyes. “I see you brought a friend over.”

“U-uh, she was just leaving,” Basil says, helping Aubrey up.

“Sorry,” I say, looking at the floor. “I didn’t realize how late it was…”

“Why don’t you walk Aubrey home, Basil,” Polly suggests level-headedly. “I need to have a word with Sunny.”

Basil nods, looking away from me. I can tell he wants to say something, but he holds his tongue, leading Aubrey out the front door.

“Sunny,” Polly sighs, crouching down to meet me at my level. “What has gotten into you?”

“I-I--”

“First I get a phone call from the school that you’ve missed two class periods, and then you go missing until 8 o’clock?”

“I can explain…” I try to say, but I lose my voice to a small crack and stop short to avoid a teary outburst. Polly exhales gently, trying not to lose her temper.

“And you smell like marijuana, Sunny,” she says disappointedly. “I can tell that you two smoked, didn’t you?”

I nod, ashamed.

“I was in a fight,” I say, bringing my hand to the bruises on the side of my face.

“Was it with those bullies?” Polly asks tenderly. I nod.

“They stole my eyepatch,” I say. “I--I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do…”

“I know that you’ve been having a hard time these last few weeks,” Polly says sympathetically. “But you broke my trust tonight, Sunny. I’m going to have to ground you.”

“Okay,” I croak, accepting the punishment. “But…can you not tell Basil’s parents about this?”

Polly sighs, shaking her head.

“Please, Polly! I’m begging you! They’ll kick me out, I know they will!” I cry.

“Sunny, of course they won’t,” Polly says, rubbing my back. “What makes you think that?”

“You don’t understand,” I say, covering my face to hide my tears. “They don’t like me, Polly.”

As I sit there on the ground, begging for her to keep this between us--slowly but surely sinking into a panic she can’t protect me from--Basil walks back in, startled by the sight.

“Basil,” Polly says, drawing my attention to him. “Can you help Sunny get ready for bed?”

Basil nods, walking over timidly and helping me off the floor.

“It’s okay,” he whispers into my ear. “Shh, I’m here.”

Chapter Text

“Are you going to watch me the whole time?” I ask. Basil had helped me get undressed and drawn a bath for me, and now he was sitting on the little blue step stool beside the bathtub, watching me sit still in the water.

“…I was planning to,” Basil says. “I don’t want you to drown.”

I sigh.

“I don’t think I’ll drown, Basil,” I say. I’m not even high anymore.

“S-sorry,” Basil says. “I’ve never done anything like that, so…I wasn’t sure.”

Basil touches the dark, swollen bruises on my face. My eye is nearly swollen shut but I have it forced open, knowing that if my eyelids stick closed I won’t be able to see at all.

“You know, when I opened the door for you, the first thing I wanted to do was hit you,” Basil admits.

I stiffen a little. I would have deserved it.

“I was afraid that maybe you finally decided to leave. I was…terrified. But I should have trusted you,” he says.

“Why?” I ask, lowering my shoulders. “What reason have I given you to trust me?”

“You’re still here, despite everything,” Basil says, touching the bruises I didn’t notice forming on my shoulders and neck. No, they aren’t forming--they're fading. It's been that long since all this started. “They say actions are louder than words. But your words matter more than anyone else’s to me. And you promised. So I should have trusted you. I’m sorry.”

I grab hold of Basil’s wrist, holding him close to me over the edge of the tub.

“S-Sunny?” he stutters, blushing.

“I noticed these, you know,” I whisper, pointing to his scars. “I never said anything…because I didn’t know what to say…even now, I don’t know how to ask…”

“I’ll tell you,” Basil says, shuttering slightly. “If you want to hear…”

I nod promptly, giving him all my attention.

“Please,” I whisper.

“When I said I’ve always loved you…I meant that. I realized when we were young…even though I knew you were always quiet, I thought that when you didn’t deny you had a crush on Aubrey that must have meant you did…and she obviously had a crush on you, too…

“That was when I first felt jealousy. But I told myself I should just be happy that I could still be your best friend.

“When you closed yourself off, I thought I deserved it. I was the one who backed you into a corner where you felt you couldn’t reveal the truth…so it was understandable that you wanted to avoid me. It was understandable that you would hold a grudge..and ruin my photo album…”

I can’t help but cringe at his version of events, desperately wanting to tell him that’s not how I felt…wanting to apologize. But he meets my eyes with a smile, letting me know that he’s not finished yet.

“Once Aubrey cut me off I started to cut myself…it wasn’t often at first. It started off as just a way to relieve stress…and then as a way to relieve loneliness…and then as a way to help me go to sleep…”

“I’m sorry,” I let out, tears spilling from my eye. “Basil, I--”

“It’s okay,” he says, squeezing my hand and hushing me.

“When you suddenly came back…at first, I panicked,” he says. “To be honest, I’d already given up on our relationship. I thought we were past the point of no return. I mean…it’d been four years. But when Kel told me you were leaving…I realized there must've been something in my heart that believed we still had a chance. A flame that those words just…extinguished.”

“And then grandma died, and it just seemed like it was time to… go ,” he concludes, a tear falling silently down his cheek. “But you saved me, Sunny. After all that time…you didn’t give up on me.”

“I never planned to move,” I tell him, my voice cracking.

“W-what?” he asks, wiping his own tears.

“I had a plan , too,” I say. “The truth is, I didn’t want to leave you all alone. I…I liked you, too, but…I was scared. I already felt like I ruined you…so I just didn’t want to cause any more problems for you, like I did for my family. My sister died…my father left…and my mother turned into a shell of who she once was, all because of me. I knew she cared about me, but deep down things would be easier for her if I disappeared…if she could just start over…

“If it wasn’t for Kel banging on my door like that…I wouldn’t be here. When I saw you being bullied that day…by Aubrey, no less…I realized that even without me, everyone fell apart…and I couldn’t leave you all that way.

“It was because I saw you struggling that I didn’t kill myself, Basil,” I tell him. “To be honest, if everyone was happy…it would have been easy to finally let go.”

In shock, Basil sits beside me silently for a while. Perhaps he suspected things were this way. I wish he would break the silence, but instead he starts to work shampoo into my hair, massaging my scalp until it foams. It feels good, but the way we’ve left off our conversation is eerie and uncomfortable and I can’t bring myself to relax.

“The truth is…I’m still scared, Basil,” I whisper.

“Why?” he pauses, whispering back. “Is it those freshmen? They aren’t going to hurt you anymore--”

“No, it’s not them,” I say. I take a deep breath, trying to collect myself. 

“You can tell me,” Basil says, coming back around to face me. “Whatever is bothering you, you don’t need to be afraid anymore.”

Fear grips me. What if they find out?

“Your parents…they gave me these rules to follow…”

“Rules?” Basil asks, his face scrunching up. I was right to guess that they didn’t tell him.

“They’ve been looking for a reason to get rid of me since they picked me up that day and found out what I was really like…

“I’m afraid…if Polly tells them about today…I won’t be able to keep my promise…and I’ll end up leaving you alone all over again…”

“You’re doing everything you can, Sunny,” Basil says. “You were only defending yourself. And I can talk to her about…the other thing . I know it wasn’t your fault, so don’t be afraid, okay?”

“What if you end up all alone again?” I ask, crying. What if I end up all alone? I can’t take it…I can’t lose everything again… “I can’t lose you…”

“I know that Polly grounded you, but she’s only doing that because she cares,” Basil says, using his little red wash basin to rinse the shampoo out of my hair. “I’m not going to let them take you away. So you don’t need to punish yourself anymore, Sunny. Neither of us do.”

“Also…I’ve been talking to a therapist since grandma died,” Basil says. “Polly set things up for me so we could talk on the phone instead of in person, and things have been getting better for me since then. At the very least, I don’t want you to be afraid…that I might try to kill myself again. I haven’t had those thoughts since you told everyone the truth, Sunny. I’m okay now.”

I take a deep breath, sinking below the bathwater and letting it out. Bubbles form and float to the surface over and over again until my lungs are empty.

“I could tell that things were changing for the better…for both of us,” I say. “I just…still worry sometimes. Thank you for telling me that.”

I drain the tub and Basil helps me get wrapped up in a fluffy bath towel. We sneak around the corner into my bedroom and I sit down on my bed as Basil rustles through my dresser for a pair of PJs. He picks out a pair with an all-over frog pattern--one of his old pairs that I repossessed when I moved in.

I get dressed quickly, looking away from Basil awkwardly--as if the boy didn’t just help me bathe. When I finish I slip under the quilt, my wet hair soaking the pillowcase below me.

“Basil?” I call out, my eyelids already starting to stick together. “Don’t go…”

“I can’t stay,” he says, squeezing my hand. “I have to get to bed soon. It’s late.”

I huff, nodding.

“I wish we could just sleep together.”

“I’ll see you in the morning,” Basil assures me, kissing me on the forehead. His frizzy strays tickle my nose. “Good night, Sunny.”

“G’night.”

Chapter Text

It’s been two weeks since my fight with the freshmen boys. Polly reported the bullying to the high school and the three were reprimanded. I was moved into a different gym class and Petey was moved to a different math class. While I was grounded, Polly dropped off and picked up Basil and I from school instead of having us take the school bus--and after some prodding, she agreed to do so from now on.

Things are mostly peaceful now. 

This past week Basil and I started to stay behind to watch Kel practice. His semi-final game is tonight--something his team has been practicing for all season. It’s the first year the team was placed directly in the semi-finals bracket--something which Kel’s impressive plays early in the school year no doubt contributed to. There have even been some college scouts at his local games looking to recruit Kel and some of the seniors on the team, but Kel always waves them off, telling them he’s not interested in college.

Basil and I are mostly helpless trying to follow along during practice, but we’re excited to watch him play nonetheless. Aubrey recently became the first of us to pass her driver’s license exam--before even Hero--so she offered to drive us to the game in exchange for some gas money.

“A-Aubrey?” Basil stutters from his seat beside me. He’s white-knuckling the panic bar, his face green.

Kim spins around from her shotgun seat, looking at Basil uneasily.

“Hey Aubs? He doesn’t look too good,” she says.

“I’ve got barf bags in the seat pocket,” Aubrey offers, narrowly avoiding running a red light. “Sorry, Basil…we’re running late. I don’t want to miss anything!”

Basil nods sheepishly, closing his eyes for good measure. I take his hand gently in mine, giving him a little squeeze.

“We’re almost there,” I whisper. 

By the will of whatever higher power there may be, Basil is somehow able to make it the rest of the trip without bringing up his lunch, and we arrive at the away team’s gymnasium safely. I help him out of the car, holding his hand as the four of us walk into the unfamiliar building.

It’s already dark outside and the air is frigid. The last three months living with Basil have flown by with terrifying speed. When I was all alone, time always slinked by at a snail’s pace. I wasn’t spending time back then--I was collecting it.

“Hey, let’s steal their seats!” Aubrey says, slapping my knee and knocking me back to the present. Two of the kids in the front row just left to use the bathroom.

“But there are four of us,” Basil says, grabbing Aubrey’s hand as she tries to bolt. “We can’t all fit!”

“Sure we can,” Aubrey smiles deviously, pulling him to his feet. Not wanting to lose them I follow her through the tiny gaps in the wooden bleachers of the gym, trying to ignore the groans and swears of people around us. We quickly arrive at the empty spot in the front and Aubrey and Kim squeeze into the boys on either side of them, widening the gap for Basil and I.

“S-sorry,” Basil mutters, sitting next to Kim. I awkwardly settle between him and Aubrey, crossing my legs to make myself smaller.

“We’re best friends with the player that’s gonna win this game for Faraway,” Aubrey beams. “We deserve a front row seat!”

As if on cue, the two teams jog onto the court from on opposite sides of the gym, waving at the audience.

“Woohoo, let’s go Kel!” Kim shouts between cupped hands, booming over the cheers of the crowd. Kel immediately finds us, smiling widely and waving in our direction. His hair is done up in a ponytail and his jaw cut sharply by the overhead lights. 

He looks like a movie star. I wave back at him in awe. 

The teams circle around the court before lining up in two huge semi-circles.

“LET’S GO FARAWAY, LET’S GO!” a high-pitch cheer pierces the silence. Eight cheerleaders wearing orange and white make their way into the middle of the circle.

“LET’S GO SPRINGFIELD, LET’S GO!” the opposing team’s cheerleaders shout, coming onto the court and getting into position next to our own. The two teams start their routines in unison, their vigor apparent. It’s as if their cheering is a game in itself. 

Faraway’s girls seamlessly hoist their flyers into the air, setting up two identical 4-man pyramids. The flyers mirror each other in impressive scorpion poses, holding their feet behind their heads. Then they jump down and dismount the pyramids and all the cheerleaders pick up their pom poms, starting the rhythmic dance portion of their routine. It goes on for a few minutes longer, holding the audience captive.

When the routine finally ends Basil shakes me on the shoulder, jostling me unexpectedly.

“What’s up?” I ask. “You gotta pee?”

“No, I’m just…speechless!” he says, smiling. “Did you see that? I’ve never seen anything like it…it was mesmerizing!”

Oh god he’s cute.

“Yeah, it was awesome,” I smile, rubbing his thigh.

“C’mon, the real show is about to start,” Kim says, redirecting our attention to the court. It’s Kel against a member of the opposing team for the opening tip. With his height it’s no surprise Kel wins the jump ball.

…

As the timer runs down to 0 for the second quarter, the ref blows his whistle.

“Halftime!” he shouts. Kel, who we’ve all had our eyes trained on for the length of the game so far, gets bombarded by his teammates, covered in sweaty arms. After a few seconds like that he escapes from the huddle, jogging over to us.

Aubrey jolts out of her seat beside me, hugging the sweaty, spindly boy tightly. 

“We’re leading!” she screams, giving him a sloppy kiss.

“Aubs,” Kel whines, blushing brightly. “Really?”

“Here,” Kim says, handing him a big orange sports drink. “Good job out there.”

“You’re doing amazing!” Basil jumps in. I nod in agreement, giving Kel a smile.

“You bet I am!” Kel says, giving the two of us fist bumps. “We’re gonna win this game, easy peasy.”

Before we know it the whistle is blown for the second half of the game.

…

Despite the home team’s surprising comeback in the third quarter, Faraway is able to finish the game off 68 to 61--in no small part thanks to Kel’s 29 points.

“Let’s go, Kel!” Basil growls as the whistle signals the end of the game. His shout startles me and I jump in my seat, much to Aubrey’s amusement.

After a much longer team huddle than at halftime, Kel disappears behind the gym’s double-doors leading to the locker room and Aubrey drags the rest of us out into the hallway to wait for him. The halls are crowded with cheerleaders, parents, jocks and other Springfield kids. It’s sweaty and stuffy, heated up by the strangers surrounding us.

“You okay, nerd?” Kim asks, patting me on shoulder. “You’ve been real quiet tonight.”

“I’m good,” I say, taking a deep breath. “It’s just…unfamiliar here. But as long as I have my friends, I’m good.”

Kim smiles, taking her hand away.

“I’m glad things worked out between you guys and Aubs. Even though I think you’re a bunch of nerds,” she says. “She’s…different when you’re around. She’s a big softy.”

“If that’s her when she’s soft, I don’t want to know what she’s like when I’m not around,” I mutter, looking at Basil and Aubrey’s mouths moving as they talk a few feet away from us, drowned out by the cacophony of the crowd. Aubrey spins to look at the two of us, giving me an unimpressed glare.

“Are you talking about me?” she asks.

“Only good things,” Kim smirks, stepping into their conversation. I squeeze in alongside her. “What are you two talking about?”

“Basil’s gonna treat us to pizza!” Aubrey says, immediately upbeat once more.

“No way,” I say, looking at Basil in surprise. Basil nods at me, happy as a clam. I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen him this truly carefree.

“Polly gave me some money,” he says. “I figured if Kel lost, we could go out to cheer him up…but since he won, we can go and celebrate! Oh--and one more thing…”

Basil snaps open his messenger bag, fishing out his camera.

“I want to take a picture of us for Sunny’s photo album…if that’s alright with you all.”

“Of course it is!” Kel says, giving Basil a surprise noogie from behind. “We better hurry up then! Gino’s closes at 9!”

…

“A large pepperoni, medium cheese, a pitcher of water and a pint of Orange Joe,” the pizza man says, placing the last pizza platter down on our table. “Anything else I can get for you kids?”

“That’s all for now, thanks man!” Kel says, smiling brightly, though not nearly as charismatically as Hero would. Nevertheless, the pizza man gives him a smile back, telling us to enjoy our meal and assuring us not to worry about the approaching closing time.

“And congrats on the win,” the pizza man says, pointing to Kel’s jersey. “My little brother is on the team. You guys killed it tonight.”

“You bet we did!” Kel shouts, quickly swiping the first slice of pepperoni pizza.

Without hesitation Aubrey and Kim pull their slices out a second later, stringy mozzarella stretching across the table. My mouth starts to water watching them dig in.

“C’mon Sunny, no need to be shy,” Kel says. I nod, taking a piece of the steaming cheese pizza and putting it on my plate.

“It’s hot,” I say, rubbing the cornstarch off my fingers. Basil takes the second piece of the cheese pizza, mirroring the same motion as me. He giggles quietly to himself.

“I haven’t had pizza in a long time, either,” he whispers to me. “It’s been a fun day, don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” I whisper back, watching the steam swirling off my pizza slice. “It has.”

Basil reaches for my hand under the table then and I interlock my fingers with his.

“You okay?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he says. “I just think…maybe it’s time we tell them about us, you know?”

I sigh, lifting the slice of pizza off my paper plate and taking a bite.

“Yeah, okay,” I say, nodding.

“Something you wanna share with the class?” Kim asks, raising her brow at us.

“Uh, y-yeah,” Basil says, suddenly nervous. He squeezes my hand subconsciously as he has so many times before and I give him a squeeze back, smiling at him. “Um…Sunny wants to tell you!”

I flush, pouting at him. Scaredy cat!

“Uh…well, Basil and I…are dating,” I say, awkwardly avoiding their curious stares. If Basil breathed through his fingertips, he’d be suffocating now.

Aubrey laughs, orange joe squirting through her nose. 

“A-Aubs?” Kel says, offering her a napkin. She blows her nose between gasps for air. After several seconds doubled over, she finally catches her breath, her eyes teary.

“Well, duh,” she coughs. “We already knew that.”

Basil’s cheeks match my own crimson ones as he hears that.

“Wh-what? How did you--”

“You guys have been holding hands since the first day of school,” Kim says.

“--since Hero’s going away party!” Aubrey corrects her.

“H-hey, let’s not embarrass them, guys,” Kel says, looking around the table. “So, when did you make it official?”

“...a few weeks ago,” I mutter, taking another bite of pizza.

“October 19th,” Basil says. I look at him, surprised he has the date memorized.

“I’m happy for both of you,” Kel says. “Hey, let’s get that picture! Your cheeks are all cute and rosy, it’s perfect timing!”

Snap.

Chapter Text

Since things have stabilized lately, Mark lets me use our time together to catch up on homework or make art nowadays. Last session I started working on a drawing of Basil.

The drawing is a sort of farewell to the Basil I knew in headspace. Even though I’ve made peace with the fact that that world is gone, I don’t want to entirely forget that part of my life--especially the Basil I met there. Maybe he wasn’t entirely a memory. But he wasn’t an entirely made up person, either. He was all the parts of Basil I fell in love with as a little kid. He was all the innocent parts. All the childish parts. He was the part that loved flowers. He was the part that ran around barefoot and played in the sandbox with me.

But he was a fraction of the tenacious Basil I know and love today. The Basil I love today gave all that up trying to protect me. And deep down, he never was that boy I thought I knew. He was selfish and afraid. He was hurting, and he was incredibly lonely in that pain.

I love him today because I’m able to understand all of him. I’m able to smile because I’ve accepted the person he is and because he’s accepted me for who I am, with all my flaws. 

“Who are you drawing?” Mark asks, interrupting my stream of consciousness.

“…someone special to me,” I say, picking up the teal colored pencil and darkening the right bangs of Basil’s hair.

“Just warning you, the bell’s about to ring,” he says. “You looked lost in thought.”

“Yeah, a bit,” I say, looking at the clock and putting his colored pencils back in the baggie he lent me. “Can I leave this here again? It’s a present…”

“Sure,” Mark says, taking the drawing carefully from me. “See you Wednesday, Sunny.”

I nod, smiling at him. 

“See ya, Mark.”

…

“You sure you don’t want need a drive home?” Kel asks, getting into Aubrey’s passenger seat. “I won’t let her charge you.”

“It’s alright,” I say.

“It’s getting real chilly out!” Aubrey says, throwing a walkie talkie at us. Basil catches it, looking at it with confusion. “If you change your mind just call me.”

“What is this?” Basil asks, turning the walkie on.

“It’s a gift from Kim,” she says, smirking. “Just stay on channel 4, okay?”

“Got it,” I respond, starting to pull Basil down the sidewalk. “Thanks, Aubs.”

“See you tomorrow!” she shouts at us.

“See ya!” Basil says, waving back at them.

The walk home is only about a mile, but the sun is already set. Misty twilight and fluorescent street lights lend an eerie ambience to our walk, but it’s calm and quiet nonetheless. Basil swings our interlaced hands back and forth joyfully as I soak in the nature around us. The trees are barren now, prepared for the sometimes frosty nights, and fat squirrels scuttle across our path now and again carrying nuts in their cheeks. Even though it's not a sunset, I’m glad Basil is here to enjoy the autumn evening with me.

When we arrive home, Polly is cooking tofu stir-fry. The house smells like tamari and sesame oil.

“Welcome home boys,” she greets us. “Dinner is almost ready, go wash your hands! Oh--and Sunny!”

“Yes?” I say, popping my head around the corner of the kitchen. 

“You missed a call,” she says. “I’ll get you the return number. Make sure you call them back after we eat, alright?”

I nod, running to the bathroom to wash my hands.

…

I dial the number Polly has written down on a little scrap paper, trying not to psych myself out as the line rings. After four or five rings, a familiar voice picks up the line.

“Hello?” the man answers.

“H-hello? This is Sunny,” I say, clearing my throat. “I think I missed your call earlier?”

“Yes, hello Sunny,” the man says. “It’s Basil’s father. Polly said you were at a friend’s basketball practice. Seems you’ve made friends at your new school, then?”

“Well, we were childhood friends,” I say, trying to get comfortable. I bring the receiver with me to the hardwood floor, twirling the phone cord in my fingers. “He’s a friend of Basil’s, too…”

“Well that’s swell,” he says, his voice shifting. “Given you have time to waste, I’m assuming your classes are a breeze, then?”

“I-I’m sorry?” I say, my voice cracking. “I…well, I’m still adjusting to some things…”

“It’s been three months, Sunny. The fall trimester just came to a close,” he says. “Did your teachers tell you about progress reports?”

“Y-yes, they did,” I say, trying to recall. “Well, I think they did…”

“As your legal guardian, I received your progress report in an email this morning. Right now you’re failing Algebra II.”

My heart sinks as he says that. Failing it? We’ve only had one exam, and I scored above an eighty…there’s no way I’m failing--

“Hello?” he repeats sardonically.

“Yes, I’m here--I--”

“What do you have to say about that?” he interrupts my warbling.

“I don’t understand,” I say, breathless. “I thought I was doing better than that--”

“Here’s how this is going to go,” he says, his voice cold and demeaning. “You have until the end of the winter trimester to bring that F to a passing grade. You’re already two years behind, this type of academic behavior is simply unacceptable. Until then, no more wasting time with these… friends of yours.”

I go silent, swallowing my emotions.

“Well…what if I can’t?” I ask. “I mean--what if there aren’t enough assignments…or something?”

“Your mother has a spare room ready for you,” he says. “If that’s it, then I’ll be going now.”

The line goes dead.

Chapter Text

“Sunny?” Basil calls, shaking me awake for the second time. “It’s already 6 o’clock! You’re going to be late…”

I try to pull the quilt over my head but he pulls it back, revealing my reddened face. I didn’t sleep at all last night. There’s nothing left to look forward to in my dreams--in fact, I can’t dream at all these days. The fear of living with my mother again cycled through my head all night just like the anxious thoughts of abandonment I had just recently rid myself of. Even Basil’s gentle touch on my face burns me.

“Sunny? Hey--what’s wrong?” he asks, pulling away knowingly.

“I don’t feel well,” I whisper, staring into the nothingness in front of me. Avoiding his prying eyes. “Please--I just need to rest…”

“O-okay,” Basil says, his voice soft but shaky. “Let me go get Polly, okay?”

A long minute of cold silence goes by as I leave the quilt propped up on my shoulder, no energy left to cover my face again. Polly comes into the room alone, closing the door quietly behind her and approaching my bedside.

“Sunny?” she inquires softly, though more firmly than Basil. “Basil said you're feeling sick. What’s the matter?”

I sigh deeply, unable to speak. A tightness forms in my chest and tears come to my eye, but I don’t let them spill. Polly puts the back of her hand up to my forehead and then on my cheek, feeling my temperature.

“You’re a little warm,” she says, tucking the blanket back under my chin. “If you aren’t feeling well you can stay home for today, alright? Let me bring Basil to school and then I’ll be right back.”

I nod, letting out a small sigh of relief and closing my eye once more.

…

“Sunny, copy?” Aubrey’s voice, almost indistinguishable, calls over the walkie on my nightstand. I stare at the walkie with a tired eye, praying nothing more comes through.

“Sunny?” she calls again. Begrudgingly, I reach for the walkie, sitting up in bed.

I stare at it again for a moment, unsure of what to say. Finally, I click the talk button for a long moment before giving up and letting it go.

“What’s up, dude? Why aren’t you at school?” she asks. Disheartened, I click the walkie off and get back under the covers, trying in vain to get to sleep.

…

There’s a knock on the door. When I don’t answer, the hinge squeaks and soft footsteps enter the room anyway.

Polly places her hand on my forehead again, sighing softly.

“It doesn’t really feel like a fever,” she says. I open my eye, meeting her worried gaze. “What happened? Everything was just fine last night…”

I look down at the plants by the trim on the wall, trying to distract myself from the thought.

“Was it Basil’s father?” she asks, driving a stake through my tactic. I look at her again, fear written in my expression. “You know I’m not mad at you anymore, right? Basil explained some things to me…and I didn’t tell him about your fight. 

“I’m sorry I scared you. You can talk to me…”

I nod, taking a breath. Trying not to crack. Even Polly can’t save me from the threat of being sent away. No matter how lenient Polly is, they have a say in this, too…

“I’ll go make something for lunch,” Polly says, brushing my greasy bangs away from my face. “At least try to eat something, okay sweetie?”

I nod again. Her kindness stings.

…

Another knock on the door, hours later--this one not so gentle. When I don’t answer, the hinge squeals sharply and the doorknob hits the wall with a loud bang. The sound startles me and I sit up in bed groggily.

Silky bubblegum pink hair gliding left and right with each stomp pierce through my blurred vision.

“Aubrey, calm down!” Kel says, taking Aubrey’s shoulder. I blink several times, rubbing my eye to try to clear away the gunky tears. “He looks really sick…”

“What the hell?!” Aubrey cuts through the stagnant air between us, staring at me in anger. “You had me worried sick! Why weren’t you answering your walkie?”

I open my mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. I want to speak. I want to tell her.

Until then, no more wasting time with these …friends of yours.

I look down again, cowardice gripping me. Without warning, Aubrey grabs hold of me by the collar, dragging me to my feet. 

“A-Aubrey!” Kel yells. Aubrey doesn’t bother facing him.

“Are you even really sick? Or did you just ditch school?” she goes on, refusing to accept my silence. I try to peel her fingers away, grunting like an animal as I struggle to free myself. “Why are you quiet? Don’t you have anything to say?” 

She punches me before releasing her grip and I fall to the carpet, coughing violently as my skull bounces against the floor. Kel bolts from the room then, shouting for help in the hallway.

Aubrey straddles me, pushing my head to the ground. I stare into her eyes, pleading for her to let me go.

“I thought things were finally back to normal!” she screams, pounding her fists into my chest. “I thought things were going well! Why won’t you talk to me? Why don’t you trust me?”

As she chokes those words out, I finally start to cry.

…

“W-what’s going on?!” Basil asks. Kel’s face is pale and panicked--fearful like Basil has never seen it before.

“It’s Aubrey--she’s attacking Sunny-- I don’t know , just help me, Basil!” he says, his words charged. Scared but even moreso angry , Basil rushes past Kel and down the hall to Sunny’s room. As he rounds the corner he sees Aubrey pounding her fists into Sunny’s fragile chest over and over again, sobbing incoherently. Terrified, Sunny is trying to hold her arms back, but in doing so he’s only offering up more area for her to bruise.

“Stop!” Basil screams, but Aubrey simply ignores him, caught up in boiling hot emotions. Basil runs over to her, tugging at her clothes to try to drag her off of him. “Get off! Aubrey! Please …he can’t fight back!”

“I do…I trust you…” Sunny croaks, surprising Basil. He’s covered in blood--it’s a wonder he’s still conscious.

Startled, Aubrey looks at him, then looks in horror at her own bloodied hands.

“S-Sunny?” Basil says, reaching to support the boy’s swollen face. Aubrey climbs off of him in a trance, backing herself into the corner of Sunny’s bedroom.

Sunny sits up, using his sleeve to try to wipe the blood off of his face. It’s just a bloody nose, but the fight caused it to spill all over the floor, and consequently all over his face and in his hair. Basil helps him get to his feet, fawning over him as he regains his balance.

“I-I--” Aubrey stutters from the corner.

“I’m sorry,” Sunny says, quiet but clear, facing her. “I needed that.”

“W-what?” Kel gasps, still in shock by the fight.

“I promised not to keep any more secrets,” Sunny says. “But when things got hard, I did just that…”

Sunny touches his face again, wiping new, bright blood over his lips. Realizing this, he wipes his hand on his pants, refraining from touching his face again.

“I’m afraid,” he says. “Because I do trust you--all of you. That’s why I don’t want to disappear again…but now I might be getting kicked out…”

“What?!” Aubrey bursts out, stepping forward. “K-kicked out of where? For what?”

“Hold on,” Kel says, somehow staying calm and putting his hands on Aubrey’s shoulders. “Let him speak.”

“Basil’s father…called me l-last night,” Sunny says, already cracking under the weight of the words. “He-he told me that i-if I don’t b-bring my m-math grade up, I-I--”

Sunny breaks into tears again, bringing his dirty hands back to his bloody face. Understanding, Aubrey races to Sunny, embracing him too tightly.

“You’re an idiot,” she says. His sobs are interrupted with confused laughter and she pulls away from him, wiping the tears from his face. “I can help you with your math. Everything will be okay, okay?”

Sunny nods, trying to catch his breath and turning his attention towards the staggering figure behind them.

“And Kel?” Sunny says, waddling over and weakly embracing his friend. “I didn’t forget. Happy birthday.”

Kel’s stubble scratches against Sunny’s forehead as he hugs the boy back, lifting him off his feet.

“You’re still so quiet,” Kel says, his voice rich with care. “Just like you’ve always been. You’ve changed a lot, but you’re still our Sunny. We won’t let you disappear that easily…not again, okay?”

Chapter Text

“You’ve been absent the last few days,” Mark says. “Are you feeling better?”

I nod, looking down at the art piece I’ve nearly finished in front of me.

“You’re quieter than usual. What’s up? Can we talk about it?”

“I’m failing in math,” I state, emotionless.

“Ah--progress reports,” Mark nods, understanding. “Math is the class you have during seventh period, isn’t it?”

I nod.

“You’ve missed a few math periods, then. If you need, we can ask for some accommodations. The winter trimester just started--you still have time to improve.”

I sigh, nodding again.

“Is it really the grade that’s bothering you, or something else?” Mark asks, gesturing vaguely to his own face, pointing out my bruises.

“It’s something I’m dealing with on my own,” I tell him, pointing to the bag of colored pencils across his desk. He hands them to me. I find the ash blonde colored pencil and look at the boy on the paper. “Well, not entirely on my own. But…outside of here. I can handle it…I think.”

Despite my bad attempt at explaining the state of my face, Polly quickly escorted Kel and Aubrey from the house, telling them that they would not be welcome over for a while.

Still in shock, Basil used a damp paper towel to wipe away some of the still wet blood on my face, assessing the damage.

“I’m okay,” I whispered, trying to reach out and touch him.

“No you’re not!” Basil whispered back, angry. “You’re covered in blood!”

“It doesn’t hurt,” I lied. “Please, don’t be angry…”

“How can I not be angry?” he asked, holding up my chin to face him. “You’re always the one suffering…”

I grabbed hold of his hand, standing up quickly and pinning him against the wall.

“Don’t pity me,” I said. “Every day things are getting better for me. I still have a hard time recognizing when I should speak up and when I can handle things on my own…but I am strong, Basil. I just…have things I’m not willing to give up on.”

I loosened my grip on his wrists then, realizing I may have been too aggressive with him. He softens his gaze, bringing his hands to my hips and leaning in for a kiss. I kiss him back, surprised by the power in it. He holds me tightly to him, slipping his hands under my shirt and drawing circles on my back with the lightest touch. He tastes warm and soft and slightly sweet under my lips.

“This time, let me take care of it,” Basil whispers, pulling away just briefly. “You don’t have to worry about him anymore. Just focus on me.”

“I understand what you’re saying,” Mark says. “If you want to handle it on your own, I respect that. Just know that we’re here for a reason. You don’t need to be in a crisis to ask for help.”

“I know,” I say, picking my pencil off the paper and looking at him. “Mark, when can I stop coming here? When will I be fully healed?”

“For a lot of people, the idea of ‘fully healed’ ends up becoming a secret placeholder for ‘perfect.’ Things will never be exactly how they were before. You might never feel ‘fully healed,’” he says. “That’s because things have changed, and you’ve grown. You’ve gotten stronger. But you’re still human. You’re a work in progress, and that’s okay.”

I pick up a pink colored pencil, dotting the landscape with peonies.

“Let’s keep seeing each other a little longer. If you keep feeling better and better, we’ll see each other less and less,” he says. “But I’ll always be here, no matter when you might need me. Okay?”

Chapter Text

“Hello?” a gruff, unfamiliar voice answers on the other end.

“Father?” Basil answers, needing to confirm for himself who that voice belongs to.

“Basil…good morning,” his father replies coldly.

“Yes…good morning.”

Basil grits his teeth. Oh course, his father must know it’s not morning in Faraway.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” his father moves on curtly, dismissing the purposeful pause Basil created in hopes he might catch his mistake.

“I know about what you said to Sunny,” Basil asserts, jumping straight to the point. He doesn’t have the energy nor the desire for small talk. “I know you’re threatening him.”

“Basil…there need to be rules—”

“What you’re asking from him is unreasonable,” Basil interrupts. “You’re providing nothing in return! Do you know anything about how he’s doing? About how I’m doing? You’ve never asked me—You’ve never even cared!”

“Basil, I’m your father. Of course I care about you. Polly tells us about you all the time,” his father claims, his tone dripping in false sympathy.

“Why don’t you call me ? Why don’t you talk to me ?” Basil asks, sparing his father no mercy.

His father sighs, apparently finished with trying to keep the peace between the two of them. 

“It’s complicated, Basil,” he nearly groans.

“How complicated can it be to tell your son that you love him?”

There’s a pregnant pause on the other end. Basil wonders if his father is truly considering the question.

“Take back what you said to Sunny,” Basil demands.

“What we’ve asked of him is not unreasonable--” his father starts, but again Basil gives him no time to formulate an excuse. 

“You tell him not to fight back while he’s being bullied! You tell him not to fail in school when you don’t know a thing about why he’s struggling!

“And…and you tell him not to fall in love…when I love him, father,” Basil breathes, his voice cracking, “When I was afraid I finally lost everyone who loved me—”

“--Stop,” his father interrupts him. “I’ve heard enough.”

“Take it back or I’ll file for emancipation. I know how to, and I know I’ll be approved,” Basil growls. “You’ve been absent my entire life. You’re not about to start being a father now.”

Basil hangs up the phone without pause.

He’s shaking. He did it. He’d never done anything like that before. It felt… good.

After taking a moment to bask in the feeling, he picks the phone back up off the receiver and frantically dials a different, more familiar number.

“Hello?” a soft, feminine voice picks up the line.

“H-hello? It’s me, Basil.”

“Basil! What are you doing awake at this hour?”

“I called my father,” Basil says. “I--I finally confronted him.”

“How did it go?” the soft voice on the other end asks.

“He deflected everything,” Basil chuckles. “So I just said what I needed to say, like you told me to.”

“So? How do you feel?” the woman asks, an innocent eagerness in her voice. Basil smiles, knowing that this whole time there was someone who was rooting for him—someone who really believed in him.

“I don’t think I’ll be hearing from him again,” Basil says, leaning up against the wall and looking up to the ceiling. “But that’s okay. Because I have people who support me, now.”

“I’m proud of you, Basil. You did a good job,” the woman says.

“Thank you for all your help, Joanne,” Basil croaks, starting to cry happy tears. “I finally feel like I can do this…”

“I’m still here, Basil,” she replies. “Whenever you need me. If things are hard, you can talk to me. If you ever need help, I’m here. Okay?”

“Okay,” Basil says, wiping the tears from his face. “Okay.”

Chapter Text

“What the hell…you’re better at this than I am, and I’m in Pre-Calc,” Aubrey says, using the back of the bitten pencil to scratch her scalp. 

I chuckle nervously, playing with the bandages on my fingers.

“Actually…I meant to tell you…well, it turns out I’m not failing Algebra II,” I admit, drawing a little soot sprite on my paper.

“What? But you just told us--” Aubrey starts, her face turning red.

“--It turns out I missed an exam,” I explain. “The teacher put it in as a zero…but Mark emailed her and she let me retake it. So I have a B+ now.”

Aubrey slams her book shut, standing up and shoving her things back into her backpack. 

“Where are you going?” I ask, afraid she’s leaving me behind.

“C’mon, we’re not wasting our time in the library,” she says, a grin cracking through her tough facade. “You couldn’t have told me earlier? We’re wasting daylight!”

I mimic her with pleasure, putting my homework away and following closely behind her as she darts into the school foyer.

…

“Basil!” Aubrey snaps, surprising the boy. “Stop biting your fingernails!”

“I’m sorry!” Basil snaps back, pulling his fingers away from his mouth. “It’s just a habit…”

Kel laughs, jumping from his tube over to ours.

“I can’t believe you two kept this place a secret,” he says, side-eyeing me.

“Don’t look at me,” I say, rolling my eye. “This wasn’t my secret to tell.”

“This was me and Kim’s hangout spot,” Aubrey says, crawling into a tube below us. “I brought Sunny here on a whim…that’s all.”

I smile, thankful for the white lie.

“Where is Kim, by the way?” Basil asks, his golden waves dangling over the side of the concrete as he swings his head upside down, looking into the tube Aubrey’s in.

“Her and Vance are away for Thanksgiving break,” Aubrey says, leaning back and cracking open a can of Tasty soda. “Oh, by the way, is Hero coming home this weekend?” she asks.

“Nah, he said he’s too busy prepping for finals,” Kel pouts. “Even the basketball team got this weekend off! I don’t see why he can’t take a break.”

“Well…high school sports and medical school exams aren’t really comparable,” Basil chuckles.

“Pfft--he’s an undergrad,” Kel says, unamused. “He’s just too anal about everything.”

“You can’t blame him for trying his best,” I say, sitting down next to Basil. “I hope he’s doing well…”

“Oh jeez, are we gonna get all cheesy now?” Aubrey asks, poking her head over the tube.

“Why don’t you call him?” Kel asks, looking at me curiously.

“M-me? Why…” I ask, my heart dropping in my chest.

Oh. We can all joke and play, but…

I guess I’m still nervous about talking to Hero like this.

“Why not? Just give him a call,” Kel says, smiling. 

“Ugh--laaaater!” Aubrey groans, throwing a pebble at us. “C’mon, we have games to play!”

The three of us join her in the tube and she deals us our cards for the first round of poker.

…

Mewo settles into my lap, helping me calm my nerves.

“Good girl,” I muse, petting her under the chin. This whole time she’s been beside me, purring quietly as I built up the courage to take the phone off the hook. 

The last time I made a phone call, things went south quickly.

I take a deep breath. It’s okay. It’s just Hero. I dial the number, waiting for him to pick up. After only one ring, I’m greeted by a neutral “Hello?”

“Hello--uh, is this Hero?” I ask.

“Sunny?” he responds, his tone changing immediately. “Hey, how are you? It’s been a while!”

“I’m…good,” I say, relieved. “A lot has happened.”

“I know,” Hero says, releasing a staticky sigh. “Kel’s been keeping me up to date. He calls every night, you know.”

“O-oh,” I say, awkward. “What--so--well, how much has he told you?”

Hero chuckles quietly.

“He told me you watch his basketball practice everyday…and he said you and Aubrey are so close now, she beat the shit out of you without a second thought,” he says.

“Yeah,” I reply, wincing. “Well, I guess I deserved that…”

“And he told me about you and Basil,” Hero says. “Congrats.”

“T-thanks,” I say, smiling nervously. “How’s college?”

“It’s good,” he says. “I actually just declared a double major in Psych. And I met a nice girl…we’re still getting to know each other, but…I really like her.”

My jaw drops. I’m… surprised by that, but not disappointed. I’m just…really happy for him.

“I’ve been swamped with coursework, so I’m not coming back for Thanksgiving, but winter break is right around the corner,” he continues. “Why don’t we celebrate Christmas at my place this year?”

“Yeah, that would be nice,” I say. “I…I really appreciate that, Hero.”

“Even though it feels like I’m far away, I want you to know my thoughts are always with you,” Hero says, starting to get emotional. “Nearly everything takes more time than we expect…but you’re doing a really good job. I’m proud of you, Sunny.”

Chapter Text

“Are you sure you’re ready?” I ask him, my hand slippery on the knob. “We don’t have to do this today… ”

“I’m ready,” Hero says, taking a deep breath. “I can’t--I don’t want to avoid this forever. I want to see her.”

I nod, turning the knob and stepping out into the thin, untouched layer of snow, christening it with my footprints. It’s freezing outside.

Despite his insistence that he was ready, Hero stands at the threshold, unmoving. I offer him my gloved hand and he takes it, willing himself from the warmth of the church. I squeeze his hand gently, trying to offer whatever semblance of comfort I can.

After all, this is his first time visiting her since she passed away nearly five years ago. I pull Hero along to where her headstone stands, kneeling down to wipe the fresh snow away from its surface. It reads simply:

Our Dearest Mari
The sun shined brighter when she was here.

“Are you okay?” I ask, standing up and wiping the snow from my knees. He’s standing there silently, his eyes glossy.

“...I’m okay. I’m just glad I’m finally here,” he says. He steps forward, squatting in front of the grave. “Hey Mari. I’m sorry it took so long…things were really rough for me…for a while.

“Sunny told all of us what happened. We were…shocked, at first. Maybe even a little angry. But I know you would be disappointed if things stayed the way they were. So we all did our best to heal.”

Hero looks back at me through teary eyes, giving me a shaky smile.

“I mean, look at him,” he says. “He’s looking better than ever now, isn’t he?”

My lip starts to quiver when he looks at me with those eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Mari,” I say. “I wasn’t myself for a long time after what happened. But I’m trying my best now. I just w-wish you were here to s-see it.”

“I know she’s proud of you,” Hero says. “Really proud.”

Hero unzips his jacket slightly, retrieving the sprig of lilacs he had stashed there and placing them gently in front of her grave.

“Mari, you were my first love,” Hero says. “And I miss you so much. I still think of you, every day . But I’ve finally met a girl who understands me like you used to. I hope--I hope you can understand…”

I put my hand on Hero’s shoulder. Hot tears have begun to run down his face, matching mine.

“Of course she does,” I whisper. “She’d be happy for you. I know it.”

Despite the freezing cold temperature, a beautiful purple emperor butterfly flutters into view, landing on the tiny sprig of lilacs that Hero set down and slowly opening and closing her wings. 

If spirits are real, that must be Mari, saying hello and waving goodbye. 

We’re all just here for a tiny blip of time and then we’re gone forever. We’re all like that…but Mari’s blip was too short.

“I promise that I’ll never forget what you taught me, Mari,” I stutter through tears. If it wasn’t for your kindness and encouragement I would never be able to recover the way I have. No—none of us would. Without a big sister like you—a big sister who was understanding and patient and loving—we never would have forgiven each other. “Thank you, Mari.”

Chapter Text

Basil puts his frigid hand under my shirt, running his fingers over my achy chest. 

“Sorry,” he says, noticing goosebumps forming on my skin.

“Don’t say sorry,” I smile back, lacing my fingers behind his neck. “It feels nice.”

He lowers his lips to mine, planting a warm, gentle kiss. I lean into it, nibbling softly on his lower lip. He slinks away and brings his teeth to my neck, sucking at the tense flesh. I try to relax into it, combing my fingers through his hair.

“I love you,” he whispers, his breath tickling the sensitive spot.

The two of us share a bedroom and a bed now. Once Basil spilled the beans about our relationship to his father, there was no point hiding it from Polly. After Basil’s 18th birthday, Polly’s contract with his parents ended, and once he graduated high school his parents started having us pay rent. With a little help from Kel, I got hired as a part timer at Gino’s, and soon after Basil started working in the garden section at Fix-It. 

Even though she doesn’t live with us anymore, Polly calls in everyday to check how things are going. Last spring she finally finished her PhD in Psychology, and by late summer she and Joanne opened their own practice just south of the Othermart Plaza. Their presence has taken part of the burden off of the school system, and she tells me the clientele are mostly young locals who wouldn’t have had any support in place without them.

Three evenings a week I go to Faraway High to take my final prep course for my GED. Up until recently, Tuesdays and Thursdays were reserved for painting lessons with Basil. Now that my portrait of him is complete, hanging on the wall above our bed beside the painting he made for me three years ago, our nights together are filled with intimacy…

“I love you, too,” I say, wrapping my arms around him and bringing him close to my chest. He nuzzles into my shirt.

It’s in that position that we drift off to sleep.

…

“Sunny,” Basil groans, jostling me. “Wake up.”

“What is it?” I ask, throwing the covers over my head. “Five more minutes…”

“Someone’s knocking at the door,” he whines. “Can you go get it?”

I’m butt naked.

“What time is it?” I groan back.

“I dunno,” he says. Annoyed, I toss the sheets off of me, throwing on a pair of pajama pants and heading down the hall. The clock on the wall reads only 7 and some change. Still, there is an incessant banging at the front door.

I unlock the door, opening it cautiously. There’s a tall, tan woman on the other side with long brown hair and shaved sides. Kim?

Opening the door wider I see it’s not only her, but Aubrey as well.

“Morning!” Kim says, smacking her gum between her teeth.

“What are you guys doing here?” I ask, rubbing my tired eyes as the sun reaches them.

“Go get your man,” Aubrey says. “We have a surprise for him.”

“A surprise?” I repeat. “Why didn’t you tell me beforehand?”

“Yeah, like we could trust you to keep a secret from Basil,” Kim mocks, rolling her eyes. “Just go get him!”

I sigh, inviting them to wait in the warmth of the living room and heading back to our bedroom to wake Basil and properly get dressed. When the two of us are ready, Kim and Aubrey walk us to Kel’s place, banging on the door in a similarly obnoxious fashion as they did when they forced us from slumber.

Unlike us, though, Kel takes seconds to reach the front door, and upon opening it he and the rest of the Hooligans pull party poppers all over us.

“Happy Birthday, Basil!” they all shout in unsynchronized unison, bombarding Basil with a group hug.

“H-Hero, you’re here too?!” Basil responds, tears coming to his eyes. “You didn’t all have to do this for me…”

“Of course we did!” Kel says, smiling brightly at Basil. “You and Sunny are out there working hard while the rest of us are partying all the time…”

“Hey, speak for yourself, nincompoop,” Kim says, rolling her eyes. “But yeah…you deserve to be celebrated, Basil.”

“Come on, kids, let me snap a photo of you all before I head out!” Kel and Hero’s mom says, camera in hand. We all file in and Hero picks a hyper, babbling Sally up off the ground to join in the photograph.

“Can we have a copy when it’s developed?” I ask preemptively, by now an expert at preserving our precious memories together.

“Of course, dear,” she says. “Now all together, you’ll have to squeeze a little!”

She snaps the photo. It’s a surprise, but a perfectly timed one.

There was exactly one spot left in the photo album-- and now, it’s complete.

Onto Volume II.