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He had lost Raj, unable to see. Eyes open or not, Howard could not tell. In his memory, all he can recall is Raj’s dread. The car, oh his car, he hit another at full speed. Howard will never forget the sounds of shattering glass, tires pleading, and most of all, Raj’s scream.
That night he was too busy glancing over beside him and trying to settle nerves within. Soon, or at least supposed to be, Howard planned to confess. He wished everything perfect, down to the last detail. Constantly worrying about messing up this evidently fated relationship. For Raj knew him hauntingly well, somehow always reading his thoughts. Nobody ever saw them apart either, like glue stuck the two together. Without Raj, life made no sense. It's as if Hashem himself made one with the other in mind. If Howard lost him, the world itself would surely crumble.
“Y’know, every pot has a lid,” He awkwardly chuckled, pretending to focus on the road ahead. When really, he could not bear to look Raj in the eyes.
“What?”
Howard’s foot tapped harshly onto the gas pedal as his fingers beat upon the steering wheel.
Nothing, and importantly, no Raj. Crawling on the tough asphalt, Howard hoarsely shrieked. Pushing himself forward while his legs dragged behind. Searching through darkness for his beloved companion. One to whom he hasn’t spoken three simple words, words he wanted him to hear before gloaming surrounded. Perhaps it already had. Raj could be gone. Deceased by Howard’s own foolish fears, killed by undeclared love. He would never believe god to be cruel, still he cried for Raj. He had his love ripped away, dead or not. At some point, the sky had wept in solace. Numbing Howard’s fingers as they scraped cement.
“Howard? Are you okay?” Below him a voice rang out, calling him. Freezing fingers touched his own.
“Raj? Is that you?” He slumped forward, cupping Raj’s damp cheek. The dreadful clouds mixed with Howard’s tears. Blood ran through the drain. His love was right there, yet not.
“It’s me, I’m here.”
“Raj.” Howard laid, front-side on the concrete. Both hands gently caressed Raj's face, creating friction, warmth. He could almost feel a smile. “Raj, I have to tell you something.”
“I think it can wait, Howard.” Raj laid his hand upon him, cold as a corpse. He wished to argue, spill the words right then. However, he could not muster the strength. The impact made him mostly limp, and the frigid air numbed his senses. With screeching for so long, he could barely speak. “Come on, hold me, we need the warmth.”
Howard encased Raj inside his arms, tracing his fingers alongside his skin. Wishing to know him by touch alone. Memorizing every inch of his body, gradually growing drowsy.
“Raj, I love you.” Hesitant and shaking, his lips placed a quick, last kiss on his hair. He had found the love which he sorely missed. Even in his arms, Raj was gone. His beauty faded, and smile was forever lost. Part of Howard’s heart vanished that evening. Though the warmth of his lover soothed his soul.