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He glistens like a star in the moonlight. He's so beautiful it hurts. Even though I see so much darkness around him I can't help but smile when I lay my eyes on him. I wish things were different. I wish he saw me the way I saw him. All I’ve ever wanted was his love.
Yet I know that would never happen. Not after all this time. Not after our history and I don't see it in our future. But this pooling feeling deep in my heart has never been vanquished. No matter how much time has passed my heart is always full of him. My dear Kacchan.
I woke up in a cold sweat, I can feel my heart about to burst out of my chest. I can feel a light blush on my face. I try to remember what had happened but my mind comes up blank. I started to wonder what I had dreamed about, trying to decipher anything that could have filled my mind. I pondered the idea that I had a dream about the league. Maybe it was the night they took Kacchan, yet that doesn't feel quite right. Though I have a nagging feeling my dream was full of Kacchan, I just don't know when.
I turn to check my clock, just to see 1:00 am blinking in bright white letters. Just my luck. My mind was still racing so I decided to get up. I try my hardest to be as quiet as I possibly can as I start my journey down to the kitchen. Cringing whenever I make the tiniest bit of sound. I’ve never heard the dorms this quiet before. It feels surreal. There's always a light hum of noise in the dorms no matter what time it is. Whether it be a casual conversation in the common room or the faint sound of Jirou’s music leaking from her room.
Maybe I had become a faint noise because no matter how hard I tried, sounds would emerge as I traveled out of my room. The light creaking of the floor boards as I walked past or a strong gust of wind that flowed whispered in it. The dorms were dark with only faint lights glowing along the halls. I drift slowly along the long hallway drawing closer to the stairwell.
Once I make my way down the stairwell I see a faint light shining from the doorway. I can’t help but wonder who was up and if I had awoken them. Maybe my spiral was loud enough that someone had heard. Maybe it was Shoji. I've always wondered if his quirk had affected his sleeping since he was able to hear really well…Same with Jirou could it be that she had some kind of noise-canceling headphones she wore to fall asleep?… Talking about falling asleep I wonder if dark shadow sleeps, maybe when she's in Tokoyami she's asleep…
Before I knew it I had reached the kitchen. I look up from my hands and lock eyes with Kacchan. I can’t help but stare at those red eyes that remind me of my past. A past full of pain and sorrow. Yet each time I stare at them I can’t help but wonder what we could have been. Red eyes that scream death and blood yet I’m drawn into the love and passion deep within them.
I’m pulled out of my dream by a loud grunt that fills the air. I jumped a little bit startled by the sudden noise. I look away quickly as my face starts to burn with a blush. I promptly spit out an apology as I folded into myself. I can feel his eyes on me, I wonder if they are filled with the same lust that I stare at him with.
“The hell are you doing up Deku?” Kacchan spits out.
“Oh I just kinda just had a bad dream and I couldn’t go back to sleep so I was just um thinking that I should just get up and start my day just a little earlier” I ramble
“Tsk, so you're telling me you had a shitty dream so you decided to get ready at 1 in the fucking morning. What are you fucking stupid” Kacchan snaps harshly
“Umm no I just couldn't go back to sleep ok,” I said sheepishly “Why are you even up Kacchan? Please tell me I didn't wake you.” I add fracrickly
“ Why the fuck should I tell you why I’m up. It has nothing to do with you, nerd” Kacchan grumbles looking away to the side.
I notice a slight flush lingering on Kacchans cheeks. I’ve never seen Kacchan blush before. I wonder if it has something to do with why he's up. Could it be that he had some type of romantic dream? I wonder who it could be about, I’ve never really pegged Kacchan as the type to have a crush. I’m thinking it was about Kirishima, he and Kacchan have gotten pretty close. And me knowing Kacchan that doesn’t happen quickly so maybe Kacchan does like him.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my chest and a cold hard feeling of dread washes over me. My heart clenches but I don’t know why. This has never happened to me before. Sure I’ve had panic attacks once in a blue but they didn't feel like this. It never felt so emotional, it was always stressful and tiring but this feeling is deeper like some type of despair. I don’t know why though, I didn’t say anything that would give me this reaction.
All I said was that Kacchan most likely likes Kirishima…
Oh.
I felt that sting again, I think I get it now. I think I’ve known all this time but because of all that happened between us, I had to push it away. I know for a fact if I had realized this in middle school I would have been heartbroken. Every insult he made up and all the scars he put on me would have been 10 times worse.
Before I know it I start to see myself, I’m small and vibrating. I can see sobs shaking through my small frame. From a small window through my arms, I can see a heartbroken expression plastered on my face, I can hear a broken whisper.
“ Why does he hurt me so badly? I didn’t do anything to him, all I did was care about him. I just loved him so…Why? WHY? Why did it have to be like this? I didn't do anything that wasn’t out of love…”
I start to lose myself in the whispers. A sharp pain flows through me. With every burn and scar that laces my body starts to throb as though they were just made. I don’t like this feeling, it's all wrong. My body isn’t my own anymore. I can’t breathe I-I don’t know what to do. I can feel my breathing worsen and my skin tingle. I hate this feeling. I hate it. I do. I want it gone. But I can't. I've been doing so so good.
I feel lost like I’m in a void of tar. I can't open my mouth or else it will choke me. But if I don’t open my mouth I’ll drown. I don’t know what to do. I can’t breathe. I can’t please, I just wanna breathe. I wish someone would save me.
I wish Kacchan was here.
No…That wasn’t the right thing to say. I can see the void starting to transform instead of thick black tar a scene starts to form around me. One I’ve never seen before but one I definitely know. A scene where a high school Kacchan is in front of me blushing and foggy-eyed. I can’t make out what he’s saying but I know it's something important. It's something that makes my heart swell, and my eyes burn. He looks like a star glistening in the moonlight.
I wish I could hear what he was saying. No matter if it was good or bad, Kacchans voice is always the sound of a savior. Even when his words are harsh and cold, with stupid nicknames or petty insults, his voice is always the same. It is always a voice that haunts me, one that draws me in.
The quiet continues and the scene replays. A never-ending loop of tears and silence. Till it isn’t. Till I hear a sound.
“Izuku can you hear me?”
Huh. I know that voice but the words don’t match either does the tone. It's too warm and caring to come from him. It's laced with fear and worry. But that doesn't make it any less his.
My dear Kacchan.
“Yeah, I'm Kacchan. Your Kacchan. I need you to breathe with me. I don’t get how you can forget how to breathe with you being such a big fucking nerd.” Kacchan hums in a soothing voice.
I can feel his hard warm hands on mine. I focus on every scar and callous coating his hand. His hands feel damp but not sweaty, I wish I could hold his hands every day. I wanna feel as if they change from day to day.
I lightly outline his scarred hand as I try to breathe. Feeling the different textures of his hand as I ground myself.
“You with me nerd?” Kacchan questioned
“Y-yeah I think so. Um, what uh happened?” I asked
“How the hell am I supposed to know? All of a fucking sudden you zoned out. And next thing I know you're hyperventilating on the goddamn floor talking to yourself.”
I felt my face flush wondering what he heard. I hope to god that he didn't hear me talk about how much I love his voice. Or how he's probably in love with Kirishima. And that I don’t want him to be because I love him so much.
‘Wait what” Kacchan stammers out
“Uhh nothing” I laugh
“I heard something you damn nerd. Now spit it out and tell me”
“I-I didn't say anything ok” I add quickly
I can’t let him know that I love him. If I let him know it's all over. All the growth that has happened between us will be for nothing. I can’t lose him. Even if I have to watch from a fair wish I was with him. I would do that. I would do anything just to stay by him. Because I love Kacchan. I love him so so much.
“You're stupid. It wouldn't be for nothing nerd”
“What yes it would because Kacchan doesn’t love me. I WOULDN’T EVEN LOVE ME”
“But I do love you, nerd.”
Huh. No, this can't be happening. This has gotta be a dream. I open my eyes and look up, locking eyes with Kacchan once again. His ruby eyes weren't the same as before. His eyes looked glossed over with love and concern lased within them. I wish to get lost in them. I wish they always looked at me like that.
I feel warm brash hands cup my cheeks and draw me closer. His warm finger lightly wipes away the tears filling my eyes. My cheeks start to flush, I’m so close to Kacchan, his long lashes and smooth skin in full view. I wish I could kiss him. I wish his smooth lips were on mine locking us into place as we float in ecstasy.
So I do.
I take the back of his head and pull him closer. I meet his eye line and search for an answer. An answer I never thought I would get. An answer that confirms his love. So I kiss him. I can feel the world blossoming around us. I’ve never been this happy before. His lips are like clouds on mine every second around them feels like heaven.
Our lips part and we look into each other eyes.
“I truly love you.”