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The thing about finally kissing the guy you love is that once you start, it gets very, very hard to stop.
Tinn’s lips are especially soft and his eyes flutter shut every time Gun gets closer, his head tilting to the side, accepting Gun’s touch on his neck, his hair. He’s truly the most beautiful man Gun has ever seen and this close he can examine the tiny freckles, the laughter lines around his eyes when he smiles.
They manage to sneak out a few kisses when they greet each other before a date, or when Tinn stops by his mom’s shop, but it’s never enough. There’s a new found hunger inside Gun, a hunger for something tastier than a barbequed meat, than the sweetest Boba Tea, than any fried chicken.
When his mom leaves to tend a new customer, Gun drags Tinn to his room and the door is barely closed before he's pinned to the wall. Because Tinn is equally hungry for Gun, and isn’t that wonderful?
Gloriously new , fantastically insane .
The summer is hot before university starts and Gun had never thought about this season being beautiful, but it is–now, that he gets to hold hands with Tinn by the beach, that he can point at the fishes and laugh together at the aquarium without the fear of being seen. Now that he gets to write new songs about Tinn with his boyfriend being right next to him, reminding Gun of how fast his heart can beat when they are together.
It’s almost like a dream, except that when Gun wakes up, he will still have a text from Tinn on his phone, their pictures together all around the room, the ghost of Tinn’s lips touching his.
Love surprisingly tender , they are incredibly happy.
–
“So,” his mother sits in front of him on one of the rare nights when Tinn is gone, having dinner with his parents. She places a pamphlet on the table, then a plastic bag and announces, “gay sex.”
“Mom!”
She doesn’t look nearly as horrified as Gun feels, but there is a faint blush on her cheeks. Gun would very much love to be anywhere else, not having this conversation.
“Don’t yell,” she notes, before sliding the pamphlet closer to him, “if I have to spend too much time at the hospital, I might as well learn something.” He covers his ears with his hands, then realizes he can still see the pamphlet, and lets out a muffled scream. “Don’t be dramatic,” she continues, “ first step cleaning your– ”
“ Mom!” Gun repeats, snatching the pamphlet off her hands, desperately, “if I promise I’ll read this, will you stop torturing me?”
She narrows her eyes at him, “will you show them to Tinn, too?”
No , never, he will forget about this entire conversation, Tinn will never hear of this, Gun will never think about it again, no no .
“Gun .”
“His mom is a teacher, don’t you think he’s had to endure many lectures about this?”
“It’s very different when it’s all theory ,” she takes another breath. The doctor says she’s completely healed and she has been back to working like before, no faint spells, no dizziness, but Gun knows, now, that he will never be able to look at her as that indestructible person he thought she was. Now, sitting on this table where they had many dinners and conversations, in the same living room where they mourned his father together, he can’t help but see her as fragile, a person he needs to protect. “You’re dating now.”
“Mom,” he says, reaching out for her hands, “I promise we will be careful, okay?” He presses a kiss on her forehead, “don’t worry.”
When she opens her arms, he accepts her hug immediately, embarrassment quickly forgotten.
–
He doesn’t bring it up with Tinn, reads over the pamphlets by himself, hides the plastic bag containing lube and condoms far, far away from his sight.
But–it’s not like he never thought about it. It’s not like he didn’t realize the kisses have started becoming heated , hands wandering down backs, under their shirts, lingering for longer and longer.
This is the first relationship Gun has ever had, he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, and like with everything else, he was waiting for Tinn to take the first step, or at least to give him any indication of the direction they are going.
Communication , it’s the first thing the pamphlet says, and Gun understands the logic behind it. Safe, sane and consensual , he reads, promptly burying himself under his blankets.
He wants, yes , he’s eighteen, his boyfriend is hot, of course he thinks about it.
But– when you’re ready , the pamphlet says, if you’re sure , the internet endorses.
Is Gun sure? And is Tinn even ready?
–
“Did you and Win have sex yet?” Sound startles, eyes widening as he looks around the park for people within hearing distance, his face beet red. They aren’t as close as Gun and Por, but when they were discussing the future and living arrangements, it was easy to agree that since Gun and Sound are going to the same university, they should become roommates.
Win did not take it well at first, and if Tinn was angry, he did a really good job hiding it, but Sound and Gun were content with the solution.
“What–you–did he tell you something?” Gun knows he’s as red as Sound, knows this entire conversation is equally torturing for both , but out of all his friends, Sound is probably the one who will not freak out or punch him in the face for asking.
“No, I just–I kind of want to–do it, you know?” When Sound’s face begins to show signs of anger, Gun immediately adds, “ with Tinn , shit, don’t kill me!”
“Ah,” Sound relaxes visibly, “well, we did–hand stuff. A couple of times.”
Gun groans, “you’re no help.”
“What–we’re not in a rush!” Sound pushes him, still blushing but angrier now, “why don’t you talk to Tinn about it?”
“Because! It’s embarrassing.”
“More embarrassing than asking me? ” He accuses, rolling his eyes. “You’re an idiot.”
“You are too!”
They devolve into bickering, then a slap fight until, eventually, they both tumble to the ground, kicking and screaming and laughing.
Sound was no help at all, but at least now Gun is more certain they will be great roommates.
–
It’s one of those nights when Tinn’s parents aren’t home and Gun wishes he could stop time. They have two weeks until classes start and he’s already dreading not being able to see Tinn every day.
I will call you every night , Tinn promised because they did eventually have a talk about it. In between all the kissing and touching, Gun managed to come out with a half-coherent phrase about relationship negotiations before Tinn whined something about Gun being too far and they got distracted again, we will be fine .
Gun believed because Tinn always keeps his word. Even if Gun is a mess, Tinn is smart enough for both of them, so if he says he will call every night, he means it.
I will bring you food when I’m free , Gun offered back, because the internet says relationships should go both ways and Gun knows he should give something besides sporadic love songs. He doesn’t even know if he will have free time to write as much, can’t promise he won’t fall asleep right after getting home, so he has to do something, right? He figures he will miss Tinn enough to want to see him, so lunch trips are safe, the occasional breakfast because Tinn will be living alone outside of campus and Gun is bound to be kicked out of his shared room when Win visits.
He doesn’t know how their lives are going to be from then on, but what he does know is that he will never get tired of this–Tinn on top of him, mouthing at his neck, one hand on the leg Gun has wrapped around his waist.
“Shirt off?” He asks eventually, voice heavy with the want that he consumes him. Gun’s seen Tinn shirtless before, it’s still a safe zone, but he can feel how much their kisses are affecting Tinn, is sure Tinn feels how much it’s affecting Gun too.
They are toeing the line between safe and dangerous , but it’s hard to stop, it’s hard to even think when Tinn takes off his shirt then Gun’s, hurrying to start another kiss.
He’s not surprised when he finds himself moaning, arching his back to ask for more kisses, more touching, more of anything Tinn is willing to give him. “ Pants ?” Gun is surprised when he realizes it’s not his voice, but Tinn’s, sounding just as desperate as Gun feels.
Alert, alert , a voice in his head says and he hesitates when his hands find the button of Tinn’s pants. “I don’t–” he whispers, brain working on overdrive, trying to decode the confusing messages Gun’s body keeps sending.
This is new, but he doesn’t want to stop. This is scary, but it’s Tinn, so it’s fine. This is a lot, but it’s not enough.
Before he can act on any of those thoughts, Tinn decides for him, pulling back with an alarmed look. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t–”
“ No.” Gun interrupts, “I wanted to.”
“But–”
Well, shit. Communication , the pamphlet said, your partner won’t know what you’re feeling if you don’t tell them.
“I wanted to do–” hand stuff , Sound’s voice supplies, uselessly, “I never did anything before, with anyone.” He finally manages to say, “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Tinn whispers a soft “ oh” and Gun reaches out for his hand. The contact is always soothing and as Tinn’s fear disappears from his expression, Gun finds it soothes him too. “I never–with anyone either.” He breathes out, “it’s always been you , so I never–I was waiting.”
Tinn always manages to take Gun’s breath away in the best way possible and he’s suddenly overcome with the urge to write a new song, to play beautiful melodies and sing lyrics that will never be enough to convey how much he loves his boyfriend, how Tinn makes his heart stop and start again with a simple word, a simple expression, a smile.
He regrets letting him wait so long, regrets not realizing before how incredible it is to be in love with a man who loves him just as fiercely, regrets spending eighteen years of his life without Tinn.
“I love you,” he says, hoping Tinn will be able to see everything he’s unable to translate into words just by looking into his eyes, “I want to try everything with you.”
“Me too.” Tinn confesses, “all you want.”
“All we want.”
Tinn’s answering smile is followed by a new kiss and the hunger comes back, stronger this time, desperate for something only Tinn can give him.
–
“So, did you?” Sound asks, two weeks later, opening yet another box with DVDs and books. Gun decided not to ask. “With Tinn?”
“Well, did you? With Win?” Gun gives back, instead. He immediately regrets it, when Sound’s smile widens. “Gross.”
“ You’re gross.” Sound retorts. Gun lets it go, figures he deserves it after the last time and turns around towards his own pile of CDs.
This might just work out well. Sound seems just as scandalized at the prospect of walking in on Tinn and Gun doing stuff as Gun feels about possibly catching Sound and Win in a compromising position. And Tinn’s apartment is not that far, anyway. All the sex they might have will only happen at his place, as they previously established.
Communication, the pamphlet said, is the key to a healthy sex life.
Their communication is perfect, thank you very much, and their sex life, well it could not be better.