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There’s barely a day where Toby can manage to get himself out of bed now.
He isn’t too sure what to do with himself. Yeah, he has Sor, and especially William. But other than that, he can’t see a reason to keep going. He’s already supposed to be dead anyway, and he is close to…
An envelope slipping under the door interrupts his thoughts.
William.
Scrambling out of bed, Toby rushes to the door to grab it. Before he does that, he opens the door, expecting to see William on the other side.
And that’s exactly who’s there.
“Wil,” he exhales, hoping to catch the other before he inevitably gets away. Again.
Toby watches him as he stops in his tracks and turns around. “Oh,” William gasps in surprise, “Toby, I wasn’t expecting you to… that’s why I wrote the letter…”
“Did you want to talk to me?” Toby asks in interruption, hoping for an honest response.
“Well, yeah,” William answers, avoiding any eye contact with Toby. “But I figured a letter would be better. You know me, I know us…”
Toby reaches for the letter, grabbing it in his hands and fidgeting with it. William’s handwriting is familiar, comforting. “Yeah,” he replies after a moment, searching for the eye contact he wants with William but never getting it.
The two fall into a silence. Toby is standing in the doorframe looking over at William, who is barely down the stairs. Toby glances at the letter after a while, anxious to open it and read what’s inside.
“Well,” William starts, his voice filling the quiet of moments before, “I probably should go—“
“No,” Toby cuts in, almost as a plea for him to stay. “Can you stay for just a little while?”
With a disappointed look, William shakes his head. “I can’t. I need to get home. And I want you to read the letter first.”
Toby nods in understanding. “Will you come back tomorrow, then? Please?”
“I’ll try.” William’s answer is honest, yet somber. “I’ll try,” he repeats. He turns and starts to walk away.
“Bye, Wil,” Toby calls out. William turns to look back and gives a slight smile, one of some kind of sadness, before starting to walk again.
Toby re-enters the house, closing the door softly and returning to his bed. He gets comfortable before tearing the letter open and starting to read.
Dear Toby,
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I don’t want this to come off the wrong way, but I just want what’s best for me and especially for you.
I don’t think us being together is the best for us right now. You’re going to die, again. I couldn’t deal with losing you like that. Maybe if we were just friends it would hurt a little less, you know?
This doesn’t mean I love you any less. You are so fucking important to me, probably more than you’ll ever know. But, you get it, right? We’ll find each other again one day, and it’ll be like nothing has ever changed.
I’ll come back and talk to you about this tomorrow. Please don’t come running back after me today, unless it’s truly important.
Yours forever and always,
William
“No,” Toby says aloud, vocalizing his strong emotions. “No, nope, I’m not dying anymore.” He throws the letter off to some corner of his room before sighing and flopping back in his bed.
Wil doesn’t know this, though, his inner voices whisper to him. But William had already specifically stated to not chase after him, to let him be until he comes back tomorrow.
This deemed to be “truly important” though, it must be.
Throwing off his blankets, Toby retrieves the letter from where it had landed, and for good measures, grabs his torn up letter from Lotus as well. Taking a deep breath, he exits his room, hoping and praying he has enough energy to leave it.
He leaves the house, taking off and flying towards the direction of Wil’s library. He’s sure he flies faster than William can walk and will be able to easily catch up with the taller.
Floating above, Toby looks down and spots William. Deciding not to disturb him as he’s walking back, Toby simply flies to the library, knowing the two can wait there.
Letter in one hand, he travels to his old house (oh, how he misses the place) and rediscovers the flower field he planted what feels like ages ago. He picks a small purple allium for William, and returns to the front door of the library.
He sits on the steps, waiting for William to return. He spots a silhouette in the distance, deducing it must be him returning. Taking a deep breath, he starts to formulate his sentences in his head, getting his thoughts together.
He can’t fuck this up.
Toby knows when William spots him based on the loud gasp and sharp “Toby!” he hears. Grasping the letters and the flower, he tucks his hands behind his back and stands up to face William.
“Why are you here?” William asks. His voice is firm and holds the slightest sort of anger. “I told you I would be back tomorrow.”
“You also said I could come see you if it was necessary though, so…” Toby trails off, finding what to say next.
“At least you read the letter. Do you get what I’m saying?” William’s voice drops as he asks the question.
“Well yeah, I do, and under any other circumstance I would agree, but–”
“What other circumstance is there?!” William cuts him off, sounding frustrated. “Toby, you’re dying. Nothing can change that course. You’re dying, and you’re going to leave me, and I can’t let you do that when you did this all to yourself. Maybe if you weren’t so selfish, I wouldn’t have to deal with this again. I can’t, Toby! Especially not you.”
Letting William finish before he responds, Toby speaks up quietly. “Actually, I’m not,” he admits.
“You’re not what Toby?” William asks, still fired up. “Don’t try to get my hopes up just so I could be let down once again.”
“Wil, I’m being serious. I’m not dying.” Toby’s face reflects his words and he stares William in the eyes.
“You– what!?”
“Yeah, uhm, long story short, the whole Lotus apple thing was just a front and I won’t be dying in collateral?” Toby explains quickly, somewhat afraid of what William has to say next. He retrieves both halves of her letter from behind his back and holds it out to William as proof.
Toby watches as William takes the letter halves, holds them together, and scans it for answers. “How do you know she’s not lying to you? How many times has she done that before?” William looks back at him with a raised eyebrow.
Toby sighs. “Well, a lot, but she wouldn’t lie about this. I know she wouldn’t. Sor got one, too, if that makes you feel any better about it.”
“So, you’re really not dying?” Voice gaining hope, William smiles softly.
“I’m not, Wil, I promise.” Toby returns the smile, hoping this clears the air between them “It was a lot to take in at first, and I meant to write you sooner, but I honestly was struggling a bit. Sor helped a lot, thankfully.” Toby finally decides to hold out the allium to William, as some kind of peace offering. “For you,” he states.
William takes the flower with excitement, smiling even wider at the gesture. “Oh Toby,” he starts, encapsulating Toby in a big hug. “I’m sorry I got so mad. I’m just glad you’re still going to be here.”
Toby squeezes back, taking in the hug for all it’s worth. “You had every right to be mad, Wil, it’s okay. It might take some getting used to, but I’m glad I’m not dying now too.”
Maybe he shouldn’t have spoken too soon.
—
William watches as his boyfriend collapses in his arms.
Fuck.
Toby said he wasn’t dying. He lied.
William stares blankly at Toby, frantically thinking of what to do. If he wasn’t dying, then why had he just passed out? He couldn’t think of what changed in the past few seconds.
Resting Toby gently down on the steps of the library, he grasps the allium tighter.
Oh.
Toby was holding the flower before. He still must not have been strong enough to go without them.
To the best of his abilities, William tries to wriggle the flower stem back into Toby’s limp hand, hoping and praying it will give him enough strength back.
It’s either this, or William will be dragging Toby all the way back to the room he knows has enough strength to wake him up.
He’s not dead, William repeats to himself.
Time ticks by, and Toby still lies there, motionless, so William resorts to doing this the hard way. He picks Toby up in his arms, bridal style, and starts walking back to where he had dropped the letter off only a few hours earlier. Thankfully, Toby was small enough that it wasn’t too physically demanding.
It doesn’t take too long for William to return Toby to his room, placing him down on the bed gently. Taking a seat at the end of it, all William could do was wait. At least it gave him time to think.
Toby wouldn’t lie to him about this. And Toby was also sure Lotus wouldn’t lie to him. William didn’t have any true reason to doubt, then. He didn’t really want to, anyway; he was ecstatic that there was an honest chance Toby and him still could be together, without the veil between life and death separating them over and over again.
A sound of movement stops William in his thoughts. He turns around to see Toby, now sitting up and appearing confused. “Wil?” he mumbles out.
William goes to sit next to Toby, putting his arm around the smaller. “Hey, Tobes, you’re ok,” he reassures. Toby simply puts his head on William’s shoulder in response. “You’re not leaving here until we’re both confident you’re strong enough to.”
Toby laughs weakly. “I figured it wouldn’t. But I had to tell you. I couldn’t bear knowing that I knew I was going to live and you didn’t.”
“I’m glad you did, darling. I was so upset writing that letter, you know, but, at that point, I didn’t know any better.”
“I know, Wil, I know.” Toby leans in even closer. “I guess learning that you’re not dying doesn’t make you immediately strong,” he jokes.
“Hey,” William warns, “too soon, too soon.” That doesn’t stop the two of them from dissolving into laughter.
It was okay. It would all be okay.