Work Text:
Dear Agony Aunt,
I meant to manipulate someone into subjugating various countries with me and overthrowing the ruling family of our own country. However, the idea of doing this beside them, having an equal partner and queen, has become quite alluring. Alas, I’ve already started the manipulation, and my mother stuck her nose where it did not belong. Also, I may have fumbled the equal part. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Shadow Man
“This seems like a prank. I don’t think we should publish a response.”
“Agreed, moving on.”
Dear Agony Aunt,
I thought you said in previous responses to others that jewelry was an appropriate gift? She did not like the amplifier antler necklace I gave her. Instructions may have been unclear. Not only that, but she managed to upstage me in the procurement of that particular gift. (Impressive. I may not like it, but I respect it.) Flowers were previously received more favorably, but I would prefer something more enduring. I have gifted her clothing and a horse, also. Perhaps another amplifier? Or the throne? Previous bids to rule together have not been well received. I digress.
Sincerely,
Shadow Man
Dear Agony Aunt,
I have yet to hear back from you so I will again request a response to my previous correspondence and state in simpler terms: I have discovered, much to my surprise, I still have a heart, and I don’t know how to feel about that. No, I cannot ask my mother for advice. Yes, the woman I apparently love, whom I have been waiting centuries for, professes to despise me. Please advise.
Sincerely,
Shadow Man
“Centuries? Talk about overdramatic.”
“Still not publishing these.”
Dear Agony Aunt,
Outside of your awaited and belated advice, I read that using “we” and ”us” is preferable when trying to build a sense of togetherness in a relationship. However, this has generally not been received well either.
Sincerely,
Shadow Man
“‘Awaited and belated’? This guy does know he’s not the only one who writes to us, right?”
“Shouldn’t we be a little bit more concerned about the part where he said he’d stage a coup if we thought that would be a fitting gift?”
“…Nah.”
Dear Agony Aunt,
To clarify: I have not killed any of her friends. Yet. Please advise on how to get her to see this in a positive light.
Sincerely,
Shadow Man
Dear Agony Aunt,
It seems my declaration of potential continued courtship was interpreted as a “goal-oriented power-grab” instead. To be fair, that particular goal was a grab at power. But it was on her behalf, too! Many actions I have taken could be construed as being purely power-grabs, but increasingly I find myself taking such steps to secure both might and safety — along with the admiration she deserves — for her as much as for myself. It seems I am not making this clear enough, though; please advise.
Sincerely,
Shadow Man
“Do you get the sense that he hasn’t actually told her he’s in love with her?”
“Don’t point that out, I want to see what he sends in next.”
Dear Agony Aunt,
Disregard my previous inquiries. She sees me as a villain. Perhaps that should be proven true.
Sincerely,
Shadow Man
“Well — shit.”
“What do you think he’ll do?”
“I don’t know, but I think it might be time to get the hell out of Ravka. You know. Just in case. Wandering Isles sound good for a long vacation?”