Work Text:
I'm not suicidal
But sometimes the lines get all blurry
~
The heart beats. It beats and beats and beats. Even after everything, it beats. And every beat is painful. Regina’s heart slams against her chest in pain and it doesn’t stop. Never ever. For over half a century. Sometimes the pain is easier to ignore. Sometimes the pain is blinding. Like right now.
Regina lies on the sofa and stares at the ceiling. She stares until there are tears rolling down her cheeks. That’s when she closes her eyes. But her thoughts won’t leave her alone. Yesterday, her mother died. No, Regina killed her own mother. And whose fault was it? As per usual: Snow White.
The whole day, today, she hasn’t left her house. Even though being in the house with no one else is lonely and terrible, Regina knows going outside will be worse. Not to mention, Regina hasn’t had the energy or willpower to get dressed and go outside. All day, she’s done nothing but laze around or roam around the house. She opened her recipe book at some point to cook something and get her mind off everything but she ended up just staring at it until the words and pictures blurred.
Now, Regina finally falls into a troubled and restless sleep.
***
Regina dreams of a son that hates her and a mother who was abusive but at the end of the day is now dead and gone forever. Regina dreams of green eyes that look betrayed. Of words being said, words like, “I believe in her”. Words that turn out to be lies in the end.
She wakes up multiple times during the night but keeps falling back to sleep.
She finally wakes up at 10 in the morning. Regina reluctantly gets up from the sofa and forces herself to brush her teeth and shower. She doesn’t feel up to wearing skirts and dresses, though, so she settles on something simpler, a pair of jeans and a purple sweater.
Now, she has to eat. Something. Anything.
Finally, she settles on simply eating an apple. She sits on the dining table and forces herself to bite and chew. When she’s finished, she doesn’t get up. She knows if she does she will end up going back to the sofa. So, she keeps sitting at the table and stares ahead into nothingness.
At some point, she decides to try and read a book to occupy her mind. Regina goes up to her room to pick up the book she was reading from her bedside table. She sees her phone kept there as well. Disgusting thing. Just a terrible reminder that there is no one there who’s going to contact her. No one who’s gonna call her or text her. So really, owning a phone is pretty useless for her.
Yes, this is it, Regina decides. She’s going to throw it away.
Regina picks up her phone and automatically, the lock screen lights up.
3 missed calls from none other than Emma Swan. Two last night and one in the morning. Why was Emma calling her? Whatever. It didn’t matter.
Regina goes inside the bathroom and dumps the phone in the trash can. There’s no way she’s going to go to the bigger garbage can outside her house so this one will have to do.
Then, she picks up her book and goes back downstairs and settles down at her dining table, and attempts to read. She tries. She really does. But just like the recipe book, the words in this book keep blurring as well. And she’s only more aware of her thoughts. So she gives up on it as well.
Regina puts her head down on the table attempting to just sleep again when she suddenly breaks into sobs. She cries for a good five minutes and then angrily wipes off the tears from her cheeks.
The bell rings.
Regina looks at the front door and her eyes narrow. Who would be here? Regina has a good mind to ignore it but there’s a voice in her head that whispers, Henry. And there’s no way, she knows it. But still. Just in case. Even if the chances are 0.01 percent out of a hundred she has to make sure. So Regina gets up and slowly walks to the door. During that time, the bell rings again. Whoever is at the door is impatient for sure, Regina thinks.
She opens the door to-- not Henry. But Emma Swan.
“Emma?” Regina says, taken aback.
“Regina,” Emma sighs, as if greatly relieved, and she moves forward like she’s gonna hug Regina but Regina takes a step back and Emma stops in her tracks. She takes a step back as well. “Sorry,” she whispers, more to herself than Regina. “Can I come in?” Emma asks then.
Regina is almost about to say no but she’s so desperate for company and so glad to see another person’s face that she steps aside. Emma walks in, taking off her gloves and turning to face Regina.
Regina closes the door and stares at her.
“Why didn't you answer my calls?” Emma blurts suddenly.
Oh. What should she say? After going over the options in her head, Regina finally settles on just being honest. “Because I didn’t want to,” Regina answers.
Emma stares at her incredulously.
“What?” Regina demands.
“Nothing,” Emma shakes her. “I was just- worried.”
A laugh escapes Regina’s mouth before she can stop it.
This time it’s Emma’s chance to demand, “What?”
Regina shakes her head and replies with, “nothing” as well. Then they stand there awkwardly looking anywhere but at each other. Emma shifts from one foot to another. “Can I get water?” She finally asks.
Regina jerks her head in a nod and goes to the kitchen. As she’s filling the glass, she notices her hands are shaking. Emma clears her throat from behind. “Are you alright?”
Regina wants to snap, “of course not!” But she doesn’t. Instead, she places the glass on the table and watches as Emma picks it up and drowns it out.
After that, Emma stares at Regina’s book that’s kept on the table for a few seconds then asks, “You were reading?”
Regina opens her mouth and then shuts it. “Yes,” she says.
Emma nods. “Nice.”
“Yeah,” Regina replies dryly.
“Hey listen,” Emma speaks finally after another minute of awkward standing about. “I’m sorry-- about everything. Your mom—“ A stab of pain through her chest, “and Mary Margaret—“ A flash of anger, “And not…not believing in you…” Emma trails off. She licks her lips and looks down, refusing to meet Regina’s eyes.
“Yeah,” Regina snaps, unable to control herself, “Me too.”
“I really am. Sorry, that is. If I’d just believed you, all of the drama could’ve been prevented. And maybe, your mom would still be alive, and Mary Margaret wouldn’t be drowning in guilt.”
Regina bursts out a laugh that immediately turns into a sob. “Yeah, and maybe I wouldn’t be drowning in sadness and my son would still be with me,” she says, louder than she meant to.
Emma’s face falls even more. She takes a step forward. “Regina—“ She begins.
“Save it,” Regina snaps.
Emma shuts her mouth. “Alright. Sorry.”
With a huff of anger, Regina settles down in one of the chairs. Emma slowly sits opposite her. Emma makes a bold decision to reach out for Regina. But Regina snaps, “Don’t you dare touch me,” and Emma immediately pulls back her hand.
They sit in an uncomfortable silence and Regina stares at her hands while Emma stares at her. “Will you stop staring at me?” Regina finally manages.
Emma doesn’t look away though. “Did you eat?” She asks instead.
“What?”
“Yeah, did you eat? Drink water? Sleep?”
Regina blinks at her. “Have you gone mad?”
“No, I’m serious,” Emma says, and she sure sounds serious as hell. I haven’t seen you around town so obviously, you haven’t stepped out into the sun but I hope you’ve been doing the basics to take care of yourself.”
What the fuck, Regina wants to say. But instead, she says, “Why the fuck do you care?” Which, technically, is pretty close to what she originally wanted to say.
“Because!”
“Because what?” Regina demands.
“Because I just do! Alright? Now answer the question.”
“Yes!” Regina replies, “I’ve slept, and drank water, and eaten. Now stop pretending like I’m a child who desperately needs your care and attention, okay?”
It’s like Emma completely ignores her. “How long did you sleep?”
Regina barks out a laugh. “You’ve lost it.”
“How long did you sleep and what did you eat?” Emma continues.
“I slept for 10 hours and ate an apple, alright? Now please, I beg you, shut up.”
Emma gawks at her. “An apple? It’s fucking 3 p.m. and you’ve only eaten an apple?”
Regina flushes. “I asked you, to shut up,” she grits out.
“No!” Emma jumps to her feet, knocking back the chair. “You’re eating something.” She makes a beeline for the fridge.
“Emma, please, stop it,” Regina says, and this time it’s not biting at all, it’s weak. And Emma seems to notice it because she pauses and looks back.
She walks back to Regina, bends, and puts a finger under her chin. “Hey Gina, I’m genuinely very sorry for what happened. And I’m worried about you. And I don’t think anyone’s ever taken care of you before, so let me do it, alright? Please.”
All Regina can manage back is a weak, “Don’t call me Gina.”
Emma simply smiles and walks back to the fridge. She opens it and sticks her head inside. “Okay, what are you in the mood for? Veg or non-veg?”
“Nothing,” Regina replies.
Emma takes out her head from inside and narrows her eyes at Regina. “Shut up,” she says, “I’m serious. What do you wanna eat?”
“I’m serious too, I don’t think I can manage eating right now.”
“We’ll see,” Emma replies and goes back to searching inside the fridge. Finally, she takes out vegetables and chicken and carries them to the sink. She starts the faucet and begins to wash the vegetables.
Regina watches her with intrigue. “What are you doing?” She asks.
“Washing the vegetables,” Emma replies easily.
Regina can’t help it, she lets out a chuckle. “Yeah, I can see that. But what are you cooking?”
“Chicken salad,” Emma replies instantly and turns to look at Regina and smile.
Regina doesn’t smile back. She just watches her sadly. Regina sits and Emma works in silence. Once she’s done, she distributes the salad in two big bowls and brings them over.
Regina stares at the salad in front of her. Emma takes a bite in a fork and is just about to put it in her mouth when she looks at Regina and pauses her hand mid-air.
“Regina? Regina!”
Regina startles. She looks up. “What?”
“Are you not eating?”
“Oh. Yes, I am.” She takes a bite in her fork and brings it to her mouth but pauses. She feels a sudden sickness wash over her.
Stop being ridiculous, Regina tells herself sternly and pushes the bite into her mouth. Chew, chew.
Emma raises her eyebrows. “How is it?”
Regina forces herself to nod. “Nice.”
Emma smiles. “Thanks.”
You’re welcome, Regina attempts to say but nothing comes out. So she just pushes a few more bites in her mouth. Suddenly, the urge to throw up becomes overwhelming. “I have to--“ Regina tries but she cannot complete the sentence. She runs away into the bathroom and bends over the toilet and takes out the four bites of chicken salad and the one apple she’s eaten since morning.
“Oh my God,” Emma says, appearing behind her.
Regina wants to nod, wants to say yes, I know, and I agree, but all she can do is continue to empty her stomach. Emma sits down behind her and collects her hair, and rubs her back. Regina sobs. For the second time in the span of a few hours.
“Hey, hey…” Emma soothes.
Regina coughs.
“You’re not alright,” Emma says.
Yeah, tell me about it, Regina wants to shout. But she only coughs up more sobs and vomit.
“Can I say something?” Emma asks. Regina doesn’t reply so Emma continues, “I didn’t know you owned jeans.”
Regina sputters out a laugh that quickly turns into more sobs. And then she’s half laughing and half crying and Emma’s hugging her from behind whispering comforting words in her ear. All of which Regina knows is a lie.
Once she’s done, once she’s rinsed her mouth, Regina can speak again. “Where’s Henry?”
“At my apartment,” Emma replies, and of course, why did Regina even ask such a stupid question? But it’s like Emma reads her mind. “He wanted to come, but I didn’t get him. I wanted to check on you by myself first. And you know, I’m glad I didn’t get him, he wouldn’t be happy to see you in this condition.”
Regina nods. Because she knows Emma’s right. But she chooses to focus on the more important part. “Did he really want to come?” She asks softly.
Emma smiles and nods. “Yeah, he’s worried about you too. Tell you what, I’ll get him to see you tomorrow if you’re feeling better.”
Regina wipes her tears and nods her head. “Yeah, thank you, I’d love that.”
***
The next morning, Regina gets out of bed, quickly brushes her teeth, takes a quick shower, and dresses in a gray dress with a golden belt. She even eats a bowl of cereal.
Then she waits. But when sitting around becomes too much, she picks up her book. She forces herself to read and manages to get through two pages when the bell rings.
Finally. Regina barely stops herself from sprinting to the front door.
There is Emma. And Henry.
But before Regina can even say anything Henry shouts “Mom!” and throws his arms around her. Regina hugs him back tightly, putting one hand in his hair. “I was so worried about you,” Henry wails.
Regina feels tears leave her eyes. “I’m okay, my love, you don’t need to be worried about me.”
Henry pulls back. “You promise you’re okay? I’m so sorry about everything. I was so mean to you. And you know, I’m on your side, what grandma did was wrong.”
Regina’s heart jumps in glee. She smiles. A real smile. “Yes, I’m okay.”
***
They do a movie marathon. Regina laughs more than she’s laughed in days. Then they eat lunch together. Regina cooks pasta for the three of them. She feels at ease after a long, long time.
Finally, Henry announces he’s going out to play. And only, Regina and Emma remain.
Emma shifts closer to her on the sofa and takes Regina’s hand in her own. “How are you feeling?” She asks.
“Much better,” Regina replies honestly.
“Oh,” Emma says, “I almost forgot.”
“Yes?”
“Why weren’t you answering your phone again today? I didn’t tell Henry because I didn’t wanna worry him more but...yeah. Did you not wanna answer it again?” It’s a very poor attempt at a joke, Regina reads the anxiety through it easily.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I actually--“ She clears her throat awkwardly. “I dumped it in the trash yesterday.”
“What?” Emma says incredulously.
“Yeah,” Regina nods.
“But why?”
“Um, personal reasons.”
Emma narrows her eyes. “Regina,” she warns.
Regina gets up. “I don’t want to tell you, okay?”
“Okaaay,” Emma says. “And here I thought we were making progress.”
“Yeah but that doesn’t include me telling you every detail about my life and feelings.”
Emma shrugs. “Okay, fair.”
Regina sighs heavily. She can appreciate Emma dropping the topic.
***
“We’re going out,” Emma announces.
“What?”
“Yup. Get your coat.”
It’s the next day, and Emma and Henry are standing at her front door suggesting ridiculous ideas.
“Why?”
“Dude, you’ve been under lockdown for the past three days. You need the sun and fresh air.”
Regina groans. “Are you serious?”
Emma nods, seeming extremely proud of herself. “Very.”
“Yes, come on, mom,” Henry pleads, jumping.
And Regina instantly gives in. She wears her coat and scarf and they set out. The three of them walk to Granny’s and all the way through someone or the other gives Regina odd looks. Regina puts her hands in her coat’s pockets and looks straight ahead.
“Ignore them,” Henry whispers from beside her and Regina can’t help but smile at him.
They reach Granny’s and the bell jingles as they enter. A hush falls around the diner as everyone takes in the fact that Regina Mills is here. Regina stiffens. But Emma speaks for her. “What are you all staring at? Did Barbie just walk in? It’s just your mayor. Go back to eating.” Everyone turns back to their food and starts conversing again (probably about her) and Regina gives Emma a grateful look.
Suddenly, David and Snow are running toward them. Regina’s jaw sets in a hard line. Snow White, she thinks. She feels the same old anger and darkness bubble up to the surface again. She has the sudden urge to rip out Snow’s heart.
“Snow,” Regina sneers.
“Regina,” Snow replies, in her sickly sweet voice. “Oh my God, I am so sorry.”
Regina takes a step toward her. “You think your sorry is enough?”
“No, of course not--“
“Okay,” Emma butts in, taking a step toward them, and catching Regina’s wrist. “How about we don’t start this here?”
Regina turns toward her sharply. “She killed my mother,” Regina hisses angrily.
“I know, okay, trust me. All I’m saying is, this is neither the time nor the place for this argument.”
Snow starts speaking again. “Where were you anyway, Regina? I haven’t seen you.”
Regina wants to strangle her but for once she decides to be the bigger person, she straightens her shoulders and walks past Snow, muttering an “Excuse me.”
She settles in a booth and focuses on the menu, forcing herself to not look behind and trying to eavesdrop on Emma’s conversation with her parents. Soon Emma and Henry join her, Henry sits beside her and Emma opposite.
“Hey, you okay?” Emma asks.
Regina nods. “Yeah. What would you like to eat?” Thankfully, Emma takes the hint and they get busy deciding on their food.
***
After breakfast, they get ice cream and walk around the park. Midway, Henry spots two of his friends and goes over to greet them.
Emma nudges Regina. “How are you feeling?”
“Okay,” Regina replies blandly.
“Liar,” Emma accuses.
Regina sighs. “I’m still mad at your mother, alright? And I’m not gonna forgive her because you got Henry to visit me twice.”
“I know,” Emma says patiently, “I don’t expect you to. That’s not what I meant, anyway. I was just wondering if you wanted to…rant.”
Regina looks at Emma, undoubtedly a little surprised. “I, um, no, it’s okay, but thank you.”
Emma smiles. And Regina smiles too.
***
The next day, Regina wakes up feeling horrible. Like a terribly heavy weight has been placed on her chest. Like all the progress she made in the last couple of days has been ruined.
She needs to call Emma.
Regina searches for her phone on the bedside table and then realizes that she’d dumped it. Regina gets out of bed and makes a beeline for the bathroom. But when she checks the trash can there, it’s empty. Of course, the trash had already been taken out. And her phone’s gone along with it. Regina looks up and groans.
But no, she can’t give up. She needs to do something. Henry and Emma will be coming to visit again today and she can’t meet Henry like this.
Suddenly, a light bulb goes off in her head. Regina quickly puts on her robe and flies downstairs and into her study. She sits down on her chair and opens her computer and then her text messages. She finds Emma’s number and shoots her a quick text: Hey, I’m a little busy today so I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t come to visit today. Tomorrow for sure, though :)
This looks okay. Regina sighs and presses send.
Then she taps her leg and waits. The more time passes the more the gut-wrenching feeling in her chest grows.
Ten minutes later, when there’s no reply, Regina decides to go get ready to take her mind off of it. When Emma sees the text, she’ll reply. There’s no point sitting and staring at the screen.
Today, for the first time in months, Regina prepares herself a bath. She sits in the tub and reads her book. Or, well, she tries. But it seems like reading lately is just making everything worse so she gives up and gets out.
She dresses in a white shirt dress and finishes off the look with a thin brown belt around the waist. Then she goes to eat breakfast. She searches the fridge and settles on yogurt. She’s eating it and staring into space and feeling nothing when the doorbell rings.
Regina walks to the door and opens it to find Emma standing there looking like a fool.
“I told you to not come over,” Regina says, getting straight to the point.
Emma ignores her and walks in. “I’ve now seen you without makeup twice.”
“What?”
“A random observation. Anyway, what’s up?”
“What’s up is that you cannot respect my boundaries. I specifically asked you not to come today.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not gonna leave you alone when you most need someone. I didn’t bring Henry, though, because I know you wouldn’t want him around when you’re not in a good headspace.”
“How nice of you, much appreciated, Miss Swan,” Regina says sarcastically.
Emma smiles like an idiot. “You’re most welcome, Madam Mayor.”
Regina rolls her eyes and walks back to the kitchen, setting down on the island to finish her yogurt. Emma, meanwhile, goes to the fridge and brings out a juice.
Regina narrows her eyes. “What are you doing?”
“Taking out juice for myself because you clearly don’t have the manners to ask your guest what they’d like to drink or eat.”
Regina rolls her eyes for the second time in the span of 2 minutes. Emma settles down opposite Regina and stares at her dead-on. Regina, on the other hand, looks down at her yogurt because she has no energy to accept Emma’s challenge today.
When they’re both finished, Emma dumps the packets in the dustbin and comes to stand beside Regina. “Now,” she says. “Are you gonna tell me what happened?”
Regina sighs, the last of her energy draining away. “I don’t know,” she says honestly, “I just woke up feeling horrible.”
“Okay,” Emma says and takes Regina’s hand in her own. She caresses her fingers and Regina’s pulse jumps. She stares at their adjoined hands in silence. “Is this okay?” Emma asks.
Regina swallows and manages to nod. Then she realizes that Emma’s not looking at her so she croaks out, “Yes.”
Emma turns to her and raises her eyebrows. “This is affecting you?”
Regina barks out a laugh. “You’re crazy.”
“Am I?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Okay, so it wouldn’t affect you if I, say, hugged you?”
Regina laughs again. “Of course not, Emma Swan.”
Emma steps closer and gathers Regina in her arms. They haven’t hugged, like, ever so it’s a bit awkward. Emma seems to realize it too because she pulls away. But she doesn’t leave her hold on Regina and stares into her eyes. “Would it affect you if I kissed you, Regina Mills?”
“No,” Regina whispers, but even as Emma leans in, Regina knows it’s a complete lie. Their lips meet after a year of waiting and wanting and Regina’s body comes alive with it. She deepens the kiss and Emma holds onto her tighter.
After about a minute of kissing, they pull away to catch their breaths. “Oh my God,” Emma says, looking mesmerized and dazed.
“Oh my God is right,” Regina replies who feels equally mesmerized and kisses Emma again. She never wants to stop kissing Emma. Kissing Emma feels right. For the few minutes they kiss Regina forgets about all the problems in her life, all the emptiness in her heart, and every fiber of her body thrums Emma, Emma, Emma.
Suddenly, Emma is touching her thigh and she’s going higher-- Regina pushes away her hand.
Emma pulls back. “What happened? Do you not want it?”
“Of course I do,” Regina replies, offended. “I’m just-- I’m just not ready.”
“Oh.”
All of a sudden, Regina is back in a room where no is not taken for an answer, under a man who cannot accept the fact that she’s not ready.
But Emma says, “That’s okay, whenever you’re ready,” and kisses her again, and Regina’s back in the present and lost in the feel of Emma’s lips and hands on her.
And the heart beats. It beats and beats and beats. And sometimes, just sometimes, the beating feels right.