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“Hey, Kiana?”
Kiana spun around in her chair. “Hm?”
“Can-” A pause. “Can I tell you something?”
“Of course you can; what’s up?” and Kiana looked up from her phone, her gaze patient, and calm.
“I-” Sweaty, nervous hands were wiped against faded blue denim. “I- Um-”
Kiana immediately became more attentive, sliding closer, and placing their hands together. “What is it?”
“So- Okay, um-” A deep breath. “There’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now.”
Kiana simply nodded her head.
“Kiana, I- I’m trans.”
They were sitting alone in the corner of a small coffee shop, waiting for their drinks to be made. It smelled nice, like coffee beans, and sugary sweets, and, in Hua’s mind, it definitely wasn’t the worst place she could be, especially since Kiana was with her.
It didn’t take long for the barista behind the counter to call their names, and give them their drinks, and, once she had, Kiana looked at Hua with a smile that was so very warm.
“Ready to go?”
It’s hard taking that first step, even if the one you’re walking towards is the one you love the most. It’s scary, being open, and truthful about all the most vulnerable parts of yourself, the parts that feel like they’re splitting at the seams, and coming unraveled. It’s a raw sort of feeling, rough, and intense, whether it’s good, or it’s bad.
Hua, however, simply smiled, and stood up, holding out her hand for Kiana to take. “Of course.”
They were on a date, one of their first proper ones since Hua started going by ‘Hua’ in any place other than the simple confines of her bedroom, and, somewhat uncharacteristically, she was nervous.
She’d been nervous a lot, actually, especially lately, though, in truth, that just came from being open like she was now. The world had never been too nice a place—she’d caught more than a few wayward, ill-intentioned glances already—but most of those feelings were offset by the simple fact that she got to be ‘her’ now. It felt freeing, in a way she had never known before, even if nothing substantial had really changed yet.
‘Yet’ was about to change, though, because one of the very first things Kiana did after Hua came out to her was offer to take her shopping.
Which was weird.
Well, no, it wasn’t actually weird, but it gave her a weird feeling in her stomach, and made her chest whir. It was a big step, one she thought would take much longer, in truth, but she was so very thankful Kiana brought it up when she did. The only clothes Hua had at the moment came from the men’s department, the kind that made her skin itch, and made her intensely averse to seeing her reflection.
So she was anxious, as she held Kiana’s hand, and walked into the little clothing store she had said she’d love, but she was excited, too. She was so very excited.
“So,” Kiana spun on the balls of her feet, and walked backwards, as she spoke, “any ideas on what you like yet?”
Hua shrugged awkwardly. “I was kinda just gonna figure it out as I go, I guess.”
“I see, I see,” and Kiana nodded thoughtfully before spinning towards a rack of skirts, and skimming through the options. “I’m glad I came along, then. I’m not gonna let you be one of those trans girls who dress like they lost a fight with their closet.”
Hua rolled her eyes. “Kiana,” She said exaggeratedly.
“What? Mei did it back when she came out! You should’ve seen some of the stuff she wore back then.”
“I think it’s fair, though, no? Kinda need a bit of a grace period when you’re stepping so far outside of what you know.”
“It is, it is; I’m just teasing,” and Kiana looked back up towards Hua. “At least she dressed nice before that, though. Considering all you wear is cargo shorts, and polos, I think you might need a little extra help.”
“You said I looked good, though!”
Kiana pressed her lips to Hua’s cheek briefly. “You do, it’s just that your face does most of the heavy lifting.”
Hua couldn’t stop herself from laughing. “Okay, okay,” She replied fondly. “Find anything?”
“What do you think about this?”
When Hua looked at what she was holding, her face crinkled.
It was a miniskirt, black, and a little frilly—the kind you’d see just about anywhere. Admittedly, it was cute. It was very cute; Hua did, actually, kind of like it, but it felt like a lot. It felt like much too big a jump to start off with, like learning how to swim by being thrown in the deep end, so she did her best to hide her worry, and she shook her head.
“What?” Kiana asked curiously. “You don’t like it?”
“It’s-” Hua took a moment to find the right words. “It’s fine; it’s just not for me, I think.”
“Okay, okay,” and Kiana hung it back on the rack, and pulled out another one. “What about this one?”
It was better, at least. Still a little too small, but it would probably land closer to her knees, which was nice. It was pleated, and black, a sort of plain, versatile piece she could wear with a lot of different things, once she had them. It wouldn’t have been her first choice, but she liked it, kind of.
“That one’s okay,” Hua said neutrally. “I guess.”
“Hmm,” Kiana raised an eyebrow at her. “You don’t seem too enthused.”
“I’m just- anxious, that’s all.”
“Aww, come here.”
Hua did as she was told, awkwardly sidling closer, and letting Kiana pull her into a hug, arms linking just under her shoulder blades.
“Am I going too fast? We can slow down, if you want, or we can stop altogether. Whatever you need.”
“No, it’s-” Once Kiana released her, Hua stepped back slightly. “It’s nice. I’m really happy, I promise.”
“Well I’m glad,” and, this time, Kiana pressed their lips together, calm, and soothing. “Why don’t you try to pick something then?”
Hua nodded, and turned her eyes to the rows of clothing.
It was a little jarring, truth be told. She was so far out of her depth, so distanced from everything she knew about clothing growing up, that it was a little worrying, but Kiana was holding her hand, and it felt warm, and fuzzy, so she let her eyes wander.
They wandered, and wandered, until they eventually settled on a very specific piece of clothing, one Hua already knew she’d be drawn to. It was still a skirt, but it was much longer, probably dropping near her ankles. It was a soft white in color, with a black bow at the waistband, plain, and gentle overall, but, in that way, it felt fitting. If clothing was going to be one of the ways she represented herself, why not something that could be described the same way Kiana had described her in the past?
She took it off the rack, and held it up towards Kiana. “What do you think about this one?”
Kiana walked over, and gave her another kiss on her cheek. Hua could feel her smile against her skin. “I think it’s perfect.”
Kiana perused for a moment longer, grabbing a handful of other things—tops, a sweater, pants—and then led Hua into the dressing room, not even hesitating to step into it with her.
“So what first,” and Kiana sat down, holding the bundles of clothing.
“I think probably the skirt last.”
Kiana nodded thoughtfully. “Mhm. Okay, here, how about this then?” She handed Hua a pair of slacks, a button up, and an oversized sweater with symbols on the front that Hua didn’t recognize.
“Kiana.”
“What’s up?”
“I already wear things like this.”
Kiana giggled, her smile infectious. “Just trust me, okay?”
“Okay,” and Hua sighed, taking the clothes from Kiana. “Do you mind turning around?”
“How many times have I seen you naked by now, baby girl?”
Hua made a noise that was nearly indistinguishable, half severely flustered, and half intensely awkward. “Please,” She eventually managed to breathe out, and it made Kiana giggle.
“Okay, okay,” and Kiana spun around on the little stool.
The first outfit was, in a single word, calming. It was a style she was familiar with, one she already recognized, but she trusted Kiana, so she put it on one piece at a time.
The button up was different than she expected. It was looser, more flowy, and soft. It wasn’t like the ones she knew, like the ones she had been wearing for about as long as she could remember. This one felt so much nicer. It was cinched partway down the sides, giving the illusion of a larger waist than she actually had yet, and it was a bit big, too, giving her skin room to breathe.
The slacks were next, and they, too, were unexpected. They sat higher on her waist—on her actual waist, near her hips, rather than where her normal jeans sat—and they were so very loose. The whole outfit was so easy, and comfortable, and it felt like floating, as she slipped the sweater on last, another oversized piece, that easily hid her lack of anything significant on her chest.
It made her a little flustered. It made her eyes water, but she wiped away the tears before they could fully form, and, when she looked into the mirror, the person looking back at her was Hua.
“You can turn around now,” She said, light, and still a little shaky.
When Kiana did, she gasped, and immediately sprung to her feet, wrapping Hua in another tight hug. “Oh my god, baby, you look so pretty.” She took a moment to examine her, eyes raking up, and down, her smile wide. “What do you think?”
“It-” Hua had to pause, before she spoke. “It’s different than I expected. I like it a lot.”
Hua had turned around to look back in the mirror, so Kiana wrapped her arms around her waist, and pressed a kiss to the back of her neck. “I’m really glad.”
“It- It’s weird. It’s already nicer than I expected.”
Kiana nodded, her finger dancing at the waistline of Hua’s pants. “They’re pants, so I thought they might be easier for you, but they’re high waisted, yeah? So even though you only just started hormones, they’ll still accentuate your hips.”
Hua smiled so very wide, eyes beginning to water once more, and she turned back around towards Kiana, leaning their foreheads together. “Thank you,” and she said it quietly, a whisper meant only for them.
“Of course,” and Kiana responded in much the same way.
After a moment, Hua leaned back, straightening her posture, and wiping her eyes. “So what’s next?”
“Here you go.” Kiana handed her the next outfit, and sat back down, turning away.
The next one was substantially more difficult. It wasn’t much, wasn’t too elaborate, or fancy, but it felt so much more intimidating. It was pretty simple: a shirt, one cut differently than the boxy kind Hua usually wore, a cardigan, and the skirt she had picked out earlier, but, if anything, it’s simplicity made her even more worried.
She quickly shirked off the first outfit, handing it back to Kiana, and began on the second by pulling the shirt over her head. It felt weird.
It was tighter, for starters, attempting to accentuate a figure that Hua didn’t think she had yet, but it wasn’t necessarily in a bad way. It still helped; it didn’t make her skin itch, or her breathing shorten. She liked it. She wasn’t worried about this part.
She decided to put the cardigan on next, telling herself it was only because she was starting to get cold. This one was looser, a soft, gray piece, with a large, blocky cream stripe through the center, and though her shoulders pulled it tight, it still made her smile, still made her feel warm inside.
Finally, she pulled on the skirt, dragged it up her legs, and to her waist, tucking her shirt into it. It was a lot. It felt flowy, and unrestricting, it was soft, and it didn’t make her skin burn when it brushed against it. She liked it; it just made her feelings more complicated than she thought it would.
The first outfit she could get by with. It was so much closer to what she already knew that it didn’t really feel too far out of the ordinary, even if it was euphoric in its own way. This, however? This was different, boldly, and without reserve. It was so very girl, which Hua knew was a bad way of thinking about clothing, but she couldn’t stop herself. It was nice, but it was so very complex that it was hard to parse through her own feelings.
Was this what she was supposed to look like? She thought, giving a small twirl, and watching the fabric of the skirt spin. Is this how someone more normal would feel wearing something like this?
She didn’t realize she was crying until she saw a tear fall to the ground, and noticed her vision was blurry, and her cheeks were wet.
Kiana noticed as soon as she did, immediately springing to her feet, and stepping close to her. “Hey. Hey, are you okay? What’s going on, baby?”
Hua couldn’t force out words just yet, so she simply sniffled, and tried to wipe her face, as Kiana pulled her into a hug.
“It’s okay, baby girl; it’s alright, I promise.”
When Hua leaned back, Kiana’s hands were at her cheeks, wiping her eyes, and holding her so very gently. Hua was smiling, though, warmly, and softly, so overwhelmed with emotion that she couldn’t contain it.
“Sorry,” and she blinked, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “Sorry, it’s just- a lot.”
“It’s okay,” Kiana reassured, pulling her closer and pressing a kiss to her forehead. “You don’t have to apologize, I promise.”
Hua sniffled. “I’m really happy; I’m just- overwhelmed, I guess.”
“I understand, baby girl, don’t worry.” Kiana held her close, so very, very close, soft, and comforting, and warm.
“Thank you.”
They stood like that for a long while. It was nice. Hua enjoyed the euphoria of finally being able to look the way she wanted, while all the overwhelming parts of it were soothed by Kiana’s presence, her arms around her shoulders, her head against her neck.
Eventually, the silence broke, and Hua stepped back, signaling for Kiana to turn around. “Thank you,” She repeated, soft, and quiet, as she slipped back into the tight jeans, and baggy sweater she had shown up in.
“Of course,” and Kiana couldn’t help but smile. “Do you wanna go back to my place after this? Just relax for a bit before you have to go home?”
Hua did her best to fold the clothes she had tried on, as she spoke. “Yeah, that- that sounds nice, I think.”
“Can maybe introduce my parents to my girlfriend, if you’re feeling up to it.”
Hua rolled her eyes. “I’ve met your parents before, Kiana.”
“I know, but they haven’t met Hua, the girl that I love.”
“Okay, okay,” and Hua giggled. “If you think it’ll go over well, then I’d love to.”
Kiana shrugged. “They’re cool with Mei, so I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“Perfect.” Hua kissed her, then, slow, and soft, and loving, enveloping her hand with her own, and squeezing. “Should we get going, then?”
Kiana smiled, and squeezed Hua’s hand right back. “Lead the way.”