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" Don't forget about me." Troy's words echo in Abed's mind as he blankly stares at the paper before him on the table.
It has been 2 years and seventy-nine days since they've last spoken. The flickering of his lamp and the sounds of the fan whirring mock him, and he gently closes the journal.
If he sat before the paper any longer, it would rot his brain.
There's no telling what tore them apart. It could have been many things, and Abed has a detailed outline for each reason why, and how it plays out. His lip purses as attempts reflects on what he was planning to say before his mind went blank.
Maybe it was something along the lines of wanting to just lay beside him on more time and count the many times he smiled. Or how he wishes he had forgotten about him; the way he made Abed's darkest rooms shine brighter than the night sky reflecting on the ocean. It could have also been the words Abed thought he would say to him; how angry he was that Troy could leave him with nothing, leaving Abed with unanswered questions and a heart that breaks each day.
Troy and Abed were long gone. Sometimes, Abed will put on Inspector Spacetime, and make a bowl of popcorn for the two of them, just to remind himself of him. On clear nights, Abed would go to the front steps of Greendale, and stare at the sky. He hopes that they're looking at the same moon.
He brings himself to reality each time. Troy probably isn't thinking about him, especially if he hasn't reached out. But Abed misses him everywhere; when he's brushing his teeth, and his brush sits lonely, on the bus as the cars quickly pass by, or the very, very quiet nights.
Before he left, they were searching for a new apartment. They wanted extra space for their new cat, which Troy had insisted on naming Biscuit. Abed was wary on it though. Not because of the name, but because Biscuit would much better fit an orange cat, rather than the black cat they chose. But of course, Abed was more than willing to share this with Troy. All that mattered was that they were all happy, and Abed could ask Troy if he would like the lamp on before bed each night. He swears he's never heard the sounds the apartment makes until Troy left. Once he did, everything was much louder, and yet quieter at the same time.
Maybe Abed was being dramatic, too self-absorbed thinking that this is all about him.
Then Troy decided that he was going to continue his education. What made it worse was that it was states away. And Abed was foolish enough to think that they would stay in contact. No texts, calls, or letters. At this point, Abed would take a messenger pigeon.
Abed soothes himself with the thought that Troy is living his best life. Found his calling and is content with his simple college life. New friends that don't make him repeat his question, or constantly asking him what his tone was. Guilt will then consume Abed as he tends to drift to the thought that he pushed Troy away. And when the time to pack and leave, Troy took his things and ran, never looking back.
Abed wished he did, so he could look into his eyes once more.
He opens up the messages on his phone and reaches to the very bottom. The contact reads "T :)"
Just looking at it, it fills Abed with a glimmer of hope, and dread.
The last message sent from Troy was his school mailing address. He feels like this is the closest he could get to him. It's right there in front of him, and so it is for Troy. But he's hundreds of miles away. And despite him being so far, he has the grip on Abed that he can't unhand himself from.
He could be sitting on the couch, or driving, and he still somehow manages to bring his thoughts back to Troy. He lingers and kisses his skin each time his name is said, leaving Abed with goosebumps. Everything always leads to Troy. He seems to control Abed, even though they haven't spoken since that night filled with unsaid words and pain.
When looking back onto that night, Abed is left with regret that tears at him every night he lays alone in their room. At least it was their room. Now, only one side was color, while the other taunts Abed each night when he wishes Troy a goodnight.
Abed finally decides that even though he will not hear back from Troy, he will still write him the letter. He can't bear the feeling that sits at the bottom of his stomach as the sun rises each morning, and not a word from him. It's almost like a black hole that continues to suck every last bit of hope he has.
He sighs, and grabs a plain envelope from the drawer, which already has Troy's address written on it. There were too many failed attempts, but Abed thought to grow a pair and write to him. He sets it aside so he can get started.
This love was cruel. Abed wasn't even sure if Troy remotely felt the same way. He watches out the window, and longs for his face among the stars. Troy is probably too busy exploring sleepless nights with his friends, figuring out that there's more to them than Abed.
He wonders if Troy ever got tired of the movies Abed would play over and over again. Or when Abed would constantly ask Troy if he could join in him walking to get the mail.
He really thought they were endgame; that the stars and galaxies aligned their once parallel lines, intertwined, and lead them to each other. There was nothing that could separate them two since meeting at Greendale.
Though, that kind of blew up in his face. Now, he's sitting alone in his apartment, listening to the floor creak and the whirring of the world outside.
Abed pulls out his pen and starts to write in his journal whatever he feels. It started with a retelling of his life once Troy had left. He told him the small details that Troy would normally ask about, like how he decided to order pizza instead of making it himself, or how many episodes he watches day. No one cared, except for Troy.
Everything that Abed has been wanting to say is sprawled across the pages. It's almost as if Troy is there, and Abed is letting the river flow. It continues down the stream until everything is completely flooded.
Before Abed realizes, he's written a few pages. Half of the time, he was just rambling, and wishing Troy the best of luck on his studies. But the other half was filled with the things he always meant to say. Words of not just anger and hurt, but something even more powerful.
He pauses for a moment to reflect and decides he should check on what Troy is up to.
Ever since Troy left, he made himself known online, like posting pictures of his cool projects for class or what he's been listening to lately. Abed never interacted with them and watched from afar. He thought if Troy didn't want to write to him, he probably didn't want him to comment under his posts where his new friends could see.
That was okay with Abed though. At least he could still look at him.
Abed pulls up the site, and he doesn't even have to type anything in the search bar; Troy's name sits at the top, telling Abed to check on him once again.
As he clicks on it, he is met with a bright smile that he could spot from miles away. Troy's face was the brightest Abed has ever seen as he holds the camera. It's almost if Abed has been conditioned to smile whenever Troy does. It is contagious and not only does it spread across his face, but creeps up into his mind and completely takes him over.
Abed continues to study Troy, hoping that it will feel like he was standing right in front of him. He would give up everything to see his glossy eyes and be able to smell the fresh coffee in his breath.
The part he tried to ignore continues to overpower Troy's appearance in the photo. Beside Troy is a girl who seems to be smiling somehow even bigger than he is. Her long dark hair drapes around her shoulder, and some strands flow into Troy's face. Due to the camera position, Abed is able to see that Troy has his arm wrapped around her. But it wasn't just anywhere. Her face glows and she radiates something Abed could only describe with the scent of organic shampoo and cinnamon.
Abed had no idea who the hell she was, but he could tell from the photo. As his eyes linger on Troy's arm that is wrapped tightly around her waist, he feels himself become overwhelmed. His eyes fall to the caption below, "Get out of my brain :)"
And Abed saw a look in Troy's eyes. He had never seen it before, all he knew was that it was different than anything that he had seen before.
He quickly exits the site and shoves his phone in his pocket.
It's silent in Abed's head. For once, there was nothing to say. Nothing to think.
Troy had left bits of him, leaving Abed to collect them. He would stuff them in his pockets and pull them out when he's too lonely. It's all he can hug, but it's not warm like Troy was.
Abed was nothing but an empty building, that sat onto the hill. It was beautiful and mysterious, yet so empty. Each night passed by, untouched and left to sit on the rainy and sunny days. Troy brought a glow to his stone build. With his touch, he brought life to it. He was the warm glow of the lamps, the silk curtains that drape, and long hallways that lead to anywhere.
Abed was consumed by him; he was everywhere. Now that he is gone, Abed is forgotten. He slowly breaks, and his stones are now covered in ivy and moss. It grows old, and untouched. Now, he stands, alone and grieving. He lets it all fall to nothing but rubble.
It's clear that Troy has completely moved on. Abed always held onto hope. He'll come back, Abed would tell himself, He'll find his way back to me.
But he knows it's not true.
A breeze of wind that makes its way through the window, taking Troy with it. Abed just watches, wishing that he could go with.
The world spins too fast for Abed to keep his head up. His head lays gently on his desk as he shuts his eyes. It’s too late – the tears that he was choking down are making their way out. They’re cold against his warm face.
The world has become quiet. The only sound that could be heard was the sound of sniffles, and Abed’s pounding headache with the overwhelming number of thoughts.
This was all his fault. Everything. He never gave Troy the peace that he desired, the life he needed, the man that he wanted.
After a few minutes of attempting to swallow the overarching feeling in hist chest, he lets out a sob. Abed can’t help but feel at fault for everything.
Troy was creating something beautiful; he was painting the skies and the sea below. His colors were splashed once Abed stepped in. He ruined the masterpiece that Troy was making. At least that is what Abed has been convincing himself. It was he told himself once he lost his friend.
And Abed was never able to tell Troy that he wanted to be more than his friend.
As he sits, wallowing in self-pity and kicking himself over and over again, he yearns for what was once his. It was so close, yet he loosened his grip, and it slipped through his fingers. He was running late, which wasn't like him. He was one to be so casually honest, and some felt he was cruel. But with Troy, he felt like he was so much smaller. Abed could never muster the words that sat on top of his throat. He ran, and ran, and ran, trying to catch Troy; hoping to grab him and pull him in. He wasn't fast enough; tripping and falling. As he laid on the cold, hard floor, he watched as Troy disappeared before his eyes.
There was nothing but to accept it. Abed must be okay with it; he has no option.
His head continues to rest on the hard desk. His eyes fall to the picture of the two of them that hangs on his wall. Abed had always refused to put anything else on the wall with the picture. Troy tried to fight Abed on it, suggesting that there was enough room for at least four Spider-Man posters. Abed would shush Troy and explain that there cannot be anything on the wall, for it will take away from the significance of the photo.
It wasn't anything amazing, but it was the first photo that they took together; and Abed refused to let Tobey Maguire steal the spotlight.
Abed wonders if that may also be a reason that Troy left. It was silly, but he is left with nothing to work with. Any reason is better than none.
His mind won’t let him rest, and the voices are so loud they might as well be leaking out of his ears. He can't help but feel sick to his stomach.
Abed wonders to himself how can Troy just be okay? He rests, while Abed sits inside his presence. He asks himself the same damn question. Every. Single. Day. But he will never get the answer.
All he can imagine, the nights that Troy let Abed pitch a camp in his mind and see the world through him. The way he let Abed touch his heart and body, and the way he touched him back. It was quiet as they looked at each other. Their hands entwined in the cotton of each other's shirt as they playfully laughed. He felt his heart completely surrender to Troy.
It may have been nothing, but Abed felt otherwise. He has never forgotten.
And he's never forgotten Troy. He didn't even need to promise Troy that.
The soap Troy used smelled slightly of cucumber and melon, leaving the sheets and pillowcases to smell like him, even after he was long gone. Troy made sure to always lock the door twice, just to make sure. He would make two plates, even if he was unsure Abed wanted anything. When Troy would close the door, it would make a creaking sound because he always leaned against it. And Troy wished Abed a goodnight and even greater dreams every night.
Now, the sheets don't smell. The door is locked only once. One plate sits lonely on the table. The door doesn't creak. And there's no good night. He never needed any more than what Troy offered. Now, Abed has to close his eyes, and wish that he's back there.
It all slipped away. Time was cruel to Abed. And Troy was even crueler.
Abed had carefully folded the note and placed it in Troy's envelope. Then, he had sealed it, placing it back into the drawer. There was no need for it.
He really missed Troy. He admits to himself that he doesn't know what else to do. He had been wasting his time until Troy was there to lift him up and hold him again. But he doesn't know what he's been waiting for. It's not like it was Troy's priority to be the one that Abed wakes up to each morning.
In the heat of the summers, and the cold of the winters, Abed waited. He lived for the hope that they could be together. He waited these two long excruciating years, hanging onto threads of hope that Troy would find his way back.
It was time for the envelope to be sealed, the pictures to be put in the drawer, and the sheets to be washed. It was time to let go.
He finds himself looking at Troy's profile once again. His eyes scan the features of Troy's he admired and loved even more in person. His eyes fill with tears, and he smiles. He can't help but be filled with happiness.
Troy was happy, and that's all Abed needed.
He loves Troy, but he wasn't Abed's to lose.