Work Text:
[Sung by James Angleton, to the tune of 'Major-General's Song' by Gilbert and Sullivan]
I am the very model of a Deeply Scary Sorcerer.
I've information arcane, secret, and full of horror-or,
I know the Plateau of Leng, and I quote the texts historical
From Necronomicon to Schiller's Bible, in order categorical;
I'm extremely well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the Dho Na and pentacle,
About Turing's theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news, (bothered for a rhyme)
With many cheerful facts about those cults and dreams of cthulhu's.
I'm very good at banishing and multidimensional calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings rugose and squamulous:
In short, in matters magical, political, or covert operatorer,
I am the very model of a Deeply Scary Sorcerer.
I know our mythic history, from Benthic pledge to Archive of Atrocity;
I answer many a hard audit query, I've a pretty taste for deniability,
I quote in elegiacs all the times of strife and fuss,
In conics, I can scrawl wards parabolous;
I can tell undoubted dhols from deep ones and beings like a phallus,
I know the croaking chorus from that violin of malice!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore, (bothered for a rhyme)
And whistle all the bars from that instrument of terr-or.
Then I can write a simple spell in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you ev'ry detail of the King in Yellow's truer form:
In short, in matters magical, political, or covert operatorer,
I am the very model of a deeply scary sorcerer.
In fact, when I know what is meant by "eldritch" and "cyclopean",
When I can tell at sight a regular Hand of Glory from one of pigeon,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by equations multivariate,
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern sorcery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in arcanery –
In short, when I've a smattering of dimensional strategy – (bothered for a rhyme)
You'll say a better dark and evil being has never been set afree!
For my metaphisical knowledge, though I'm an ancient entity,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters magical, political, or covert operatorer,
I remain the very model of a Deeply Scary Sorcerer!