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It all started with Jarvis telling the Avengers that an intruder had landed on top of the tower. Everyone was already gathering their weapons when door to the roof terrace was simply pushed open and an all too well known and presumed dead Nordic deity strolled in, making it look so casually one could think that he did it every day.
After elegantly dodging an arrow and an energy blast Loki directly turned to Thor. “I am not dead. I heard what you said in the Dark World and to father. The All-father and I had a talk. A very long talk. Everything is forgiven. I just have to prove the righteousness of my change of heart and fight by your side for a year. So, here I am. Which floor is going to be mine?”
Thor had exactly one second to look like the happiest person in the entire universe before Hulk punched his brother through the next wall and Pietro casually asked “Well, so who was that?”
***
Clint threatened to plant an arrow where Thor definitely wouldn’t want to have one. Bruce said that he couldn’t guarantee for the safety of the tower. Tony made a comment about the Avengers Tower not being the proper environment for a reindeer. Natasha only kept a stoic face and played with her favourite knife. The Maximoff twins chose to look confused.
It didn’t matter anyway since there was no mightier force than the god of thunder who was overjoyed and had only one goal in life – making his insane brother, former war criminal who had tried to take over the world, an Avenger.
Tony wasn’t really eager to have Loki living in his tower, but he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and may have said something like “Well, we don’t mind having a former villain here who mind controlled most of us…”
Barton fired an arrow at him.
***
Fury insisted on Loki undergoing a lie detector test. Lie detector. You had to say that slowly to actually believe that.
“He wants the god of lies to do a lie detector test. The guy who probably invented lying. Cool, can’t see anything wrong with that.”
Everybody agreed with Tony on that one, but they were also quite surprised to see that Loki didn’t have any objections. For general safety reasons he had to do the test in the middle of the tower, surrounded by all Avengers and his brother who wouldn’t stop smiling and randomly hugging people, because he was so happy. Only when Natasha held up one of her knives when he came too close to her.
“Do you want to become an Avenger?”
“No.”
“There! He said it! I knew it!”
“Put the arrow down, Clint!”
Clint almost started pouting, while Thor finally dropped his smile. “But brother…”
“He asked me if I wanted to become an Avenger, Thor. I do not want to become a member of your little group. I agreed to work with you to appease the All-father and to be free to go afterwards.” Loki crossed his arms in front of his chest, raising an eyebrow when Tony aimed multiple weapons of his suit at him. “What? You just said that you don’t like us! Highly suspicious behaviour!”
After rolling his eyes Loki answered Fury’s next question. “Do you plan on betraying us – should we accept you here?”
“No.”
“Clint, why are you shooting at him!?”
“Because this was obviously a lie!”
“The lie detector indicated that he wasn’t lying.”
“Oh please, god of lies! Anyone?!”
Sighing Loki rubbed his temples, seemingly incredibly frustrated by everyone surrounding him. “Agent Barton, it would be really pleasant if you could let me finish the interrogation. If you still want to shoot arrows at me by the time it is over. Feel free to go.”
For now Clint seemed to be okay with that, but his face still gave away how much he would like to bury an arrow between Loki’s eyes.
“Do you intent to kill a member of the Avengers?”
“No.”
“Do you intent to hurt, injure or kill any habitant of this planet.”
“I will not hesitate to defend myself, but I have no intention to use violence on anyone if I am not forced to.”
“Oh, I’ll force you to!”
“Clint!”
“Do you…”
“God damn it, Fury!” Shaking his head Tony pushed the director aside and towered over Loki. The god only looked up, not showing the slightest bit of emotion. Quite the opposite to his brother who instantly came closer. “Man of Iron, what are you doing?”
“I am going to put this lie detector to good use and ask the questions we really want to know and I hope for you, reindeer games, that you will answer it honestly.” Saying that he leaned down, coming dangerously close to Loki’s face, looking indeed menacing.
“So did you really fuck that horse?”
***
Loki got the floor beneath Thor’s and Jarvis the order to have an eye on him 24/7.
“This is the worst idea in the history of bad ideas.” Clint had his face buried in his hands while Natasha patted his back. “I’m already looking forward to the moment when I’m going to tell you ‘I told you so’ One day we’re all going to wake up dead and I’ll be saying – I told you so.’”
“I know you have every reason to distrust my brother, but he is trying to redeem himself and I am convinced he will prove himself as a worthy member of our group.” Tony wondered if this constant smile didn’t have to hurt. Thor simply wouldn’t stop being such a ray of sunshine. The next time they would be fighting some villain Thor probably wouldn’t summon lighting and thunder, but fluffy unicorns and cotton candy. Unless they were fighting his brother and that was still highly probable.
“Whatever you say, Thor, but the second he looks at me weird, I put an arrow between his eyes.”
Pietro only snort, making Clint turn to him. “What?”
“Since he’s come here, you shot five arrows at him and he caught every single one of them. I doubt that he is worried about you shooting another one at him. He will just catch it again.”
“Whose side are you on, huh?”
Pietro shrugged casually. “Wanda likes having another person here who actually knows something about magic.”
Thor’s eyes started to beam while all natural rosy colour left Clint's, Tony's and Natasha's face. “I have not thought about that yet. My brother will be thrilled to work with another skilled magic user.”
“Oh great, a girl who likes to mess with people’s minds and a guy who used to mess with people’s mind and who likes to make them kneel. Am I the only one who thinks that we’re in trouble?”
***
It turned out that the person who really was in trouble was the next villain who thought that he had to attack New York. Tony had barely even put his suit on when Steve told him via the transmitter that Loki had… Well, he had turned the explosive devices into snowmen, taken out most of the terrorist group himself. Only Pietro had been fast enough to actually see Loki using a neat combination of magic and physical fighting. Then two of them had just sat down and had waited for the rest of the Avengers to clean up the place.
“You see how he does that? Luring us into trusting him, only to ram the knife into our back when we stopped paying attention.”
Steve sighed over Clint’s persistence. “We won’t stop paying attention and we don’t trust him, but for today I am very happy that he helped eliminating a global threat.” Still when Steve walked over to actually thank Loki, the whole process looked a bit stiff and completely awkward. Mostly because Loki only shrugged, walking away without saying a word, leaving Captain America behind who looked like a lost puppy.
The mood was lightened a second later when their personal ray of sunshine pulled Loki into a bone-crushing hug, repeating over and over how proud and happy he was. Clint couldn’t stop laughing at Loki’s pained expression. A second later Tony almost fell over from laughing so hard at Thor’s reaction to suddenly hugging thin air.
***
Tony had spent the first half of the night with Thor, watching the first two Die Hard movies and the second part in his workshop, improving his suit. After a few hours Tony more or less stumbled into the kitchen and stopped dead in his tracks. He definitely wasn’t drunk enough for something like this.
Loki was standing in his kitchen. In something that looked suspiciously like Asgaridan pyjamas. Not enough, he was… making himself a sandwich. Not like a sane or… normal person would do it. Loki wasn’t using his fucking hands. Bread, ham, tomatoes, salad and all the other stuff you need was just hovering in the air, putting itself together in a nice sandwich.
This was the fucking scariest thing Tony had ever seen in his whole life.
Not saying a thing, so Loki wouldn’t notice him Tony started to walk back, swearing to himself that he would never set foot into this kitchen again.
He only made two steps when he crashed into somebody. “Tony?”
“You don’t want to go in there, Pietro! It’s going to fuck you up for life!”
Pietro just frowned and quickly dismissed his statement, making his way into the kitchen. Tony watched how he stopped the second he had spotted what Loki was doing. Or what he was wearing. His surprised though only lasted for about the time he needed to bat an eyelid.
Tony’s mouth dropped open when Pietro walked up to the god, greeting him with the slightest nod. “When you’re done, can you make me one too?”
“What the fuck?! Why would you… You could do it way faster than him!”
“Yeah, but this looks like more fun.”
While Tony thought that he was suffering his very first heart attack Loki only shrugged, made a leisure gesture with his hand and two new slices of bread were hovering in the air. Well, fuck.
***
When Loki ended up saving half of the West Coast by freezing a super wave that was about to hit San Francisco Steve couldn’t contain himself and did squeeze Loki’s shoulder to show his gratitude and support. Clint mumbled something about Loki being a patient son of a bitch and Thor insisted on having a feast in honour of his brother’s great deed.
Again all what Loki did was shrugging.
Tony took it upon himself to organize the party and got scared out of his mind the second time when he watched Wanda asking Loki if he could teach her telekinesis.
“Natasha, Loki is trying to corrupt the twins!”
She only raised her eyebrow at him, looked over to Loki and Wanda. The Asgardian seemed to be already teaching her, because the IDs of at least ten agents were floating straight out of their pockets to the table in front of Loki.
All Natasha said to that was “This could be very useful.”
Everybody around Tony was losing their mind.
***
As soon as you had gained the right to take part in the Avengers’ movie night you were officially an Avenger. They hadn’t written that rule down, but it was kind of general knowledge. Loki had never been invited by anyone, at least Tony hoped so, but when he suddenly decided to join them nobody said a word. Not even Clint. His eyes followed Loki’s movements for the first ten minutes after sitting down, but then he quickly stopped and focused on the movie like everybody else.
Ten minutes later Tony almost fell of the couch when Steve handed Loki a bowl full of popcorn. “You want some?” A lovely smile on his lips. Captain America now officially tried to be friends with somebody who destroyed half of New York City. The bowl of popcorn would be proof of their everlasting friendship. Tony was about to throw up if Loki didn’t use the bowl to smack Steve with it.
Unfortunately he didn’t. Just used his long, elegant fingers, picking up a single popped corn. “Thank you.”
It couldn’t get any creepier.
Until it did.
When the movie was over Steve continued his new mission and tried to make conversation. “So, Loki… how did you like the movie?”
The answer was simple and very honest. “It was horrendous.”
Just like that he teleported away and left them all sitting there like idiots. Clint let out a loud sigh. “I hate to admit it, but he would make a great film critic.”
***
Tony wasn’t that much of a superficial person. He really wasn’t. Still from a certain moment on it was way easier having Loki around. They fought another secret terror organisation, highly trained and deadly. Wanda was having a lot of fun with the new tricks Loki had shown her. Fucking scary.
Everyone else was also doing a decent job and in the end Tony didn’t have a clue how one of this weird guys with a flamethrower actually made it to burn most of Loki’s clothes off his body.
Thor almost had a panic attack and Natasha made the guy with the flamethrower regret the day he had woken up and decided that he wanted to be a terrorist. Loki was completely fine by the way. Just – half naked. And annoyed with being half naked.
He stayed like that for about three seconds, because Pietro was gone, showed back up with the speed of light and brought Loki some new clothes.
Damn you, Speedy Gonzales
Tony wasn’t that kind of person, but he liked Loki a lot more now that he realised that Loki was hot.
***
Usually nobody could get Tony into the gym. He was Iron Man, what did he need the gym for? Well, normally he wouldn’t go in there, but this was an emergency. Code red.
“Clint!”
After kicking the door open Tony was faced with a strange sight. Natasha hitting thin air. Normally she would be beating up a bunching ball, a sand sack or Clint. Weird.
“Too slow, Agent Romanoff.”
Loki just… materialised behind Natasha and Tony couldn’t blink as fast as she turned around and brought her leg up to kick him. Barely missed him though, because Loki vanished.
“Nat, what’s going on? Did he betray us? Is the Loki hunt on? I’ve got everything we need!”
“Stop distracting me, Tony. I asked Loki to work with me on my reflexes.” Natasha’s eyes darted around, not resting on anything and suddenly she brought back her arm in a jerk movement. Only missing Loki’s head by an inch. “You’re doing quite an impressive job so far.”
There he was, gone again and Tony scratched his head. Everything had turned so utterly weird since Loki’s been living here. Now he had even turned into Natasha’s new training buddy. How would Clint feel about that? Right, Clint!
“Any of you seen Barton? I have to talk to him?”
Natasha turned around, doing a cart wheel and did a very impressive kick, but Loki materialized at the other end of the room. “Now that wasn’t your best move.”
Sighing Natasha stretched her muscles for a second. “What do you want from Clint? Is it important?”
“It’s a matter of life and dead?”
Natasha just dismissed this, closing her eyes, clearly concentrating on where Loki might pop up next.
“Hey, he ate a pudding that had my name on it! You don’t do that! I demand compensation.” Hard to believe that Natasha wasn’t as outraged as him by this piece of information. Instead she turned once again around, ready to strike, only to find that Loki was at her other side. “Sorry, Agent Romanoff.”
Loki didn’t look sorry though, he smirked. A smirk that quickly faded away when suddenly Pietro showed up right behind him and grabbed him. This guy was moving so fast it looked like he was teleporting. “Gotcha!”
Natasha and Pietro must have planed this or Natasha just wasn’t the type of girl to turn down a nice opportunity. Anyway she delivered a nice kick, but Pietro had to learn the hard way that holding Loki tight didn’t stop him from teleporting. Tony was torn between laughing his ass off and feeling sympathy when Pietro got to feel the force of Natasha’s foot – right in his face. “Ah, fuck!”
There was no need to get the first aid kit like Tony wanted to, because Loki popped right back up and nodded approvingly. “Very elegant, Agent Romanoff.”
“It’s Natasha.” Good lord, she even smiled and nobody cared about Pietro dying from blood loss any second. So much blood pretty much streaming from his nose down onto the training mattress. Eww.
“Elegant…” Pietro snort and Loki rolled his eyes. “Let me take a look.”
Again, Loki pulled some weird shit. He reached out, his hand hovering right above Pietro’s face and glowing with green light. Time to freak out now?
The blood flow stopped and out of a sudden Pietro’s nose didn’t seem so broken anymore. Kind of confused he reached up to touch it and then turned to Loki. “This is not so bad.”
“You’re welcome.” Loki hinted at a smile and Tony simply wasn’t used to not being the centre of attention when he was in a room. “Hey, nobody wants to help me to get the pudding thief!?”
***
After spending two days in his workshop Tony came out to watch some decent, stupid, senseless TV, but the main room with the TV was already occupied and Tony was tempted to wash his eyes with acid.
“Are you guys re-enacting Titanic? Because if so, good lord, put a sign on the door. Anything.”
Steve looked up from his sketch block and frowned at Tony. Holy shit, he hadn’t even seen Titanic yet. What was he doing all day long?
“The Captain asked if he could draw me and I agreed if the process wouldn’t keep me from reading this book.” Loki didn’t even look up while turning the page, completely uninterested in what was happening around him.
Crazy people.
Tony looked over Steve’s shoulder, letting his eyes run over the drawing. Yes, he had to admit it was a fine piece of art. Steve had captured the ‘I’m better than anyone’ attitude in Loki’s gaze very well. Even while reading. A nicely shaped nose, full lips, long delicate fingers that were holding the book. Right now Steve was working on the hair that was tugged behind Loki’s ear.
“Steve, you do realise this is weird, right? You can’t just ask a guy to draw him without buying him dinner first. Thor might get the wrong impression and force you to marry him?”
One couldn’t get enough of hearing Captain America sigh, it was priceless. “He has charisma, Tony. I wanted to see if I could capture it.”
“Hey, I have charisma too! I’m incredibly charismatic! You could fill Madison Square Garden with my charisma!”
“Yeah, but Loki can actually spend an hour or two without moving or talking. Something you’re definitely not capable of.”
Wow, that was mean. Captain America was bullying him and Loki smirked. “Ha, there! Look! He smirked! That does count as moving, doesn’t it?”
“Tony, shut up or leave.”
“This is the common room!”
“Leave.”
“Fine, but if Thor shows up and wants to fight with you for Loki’s honour, don’t say I didn’t warn you!”
***
How could Tony have forgotten that Thor was a complete nutjob too? Right because every single person in this tower lost their mind when Loki showed up. Except Tony who didn’t trust Loki a bit, but liked how Loki looked in those tight black pants that he started to wear now when he was training with Natasha. Tony only knew about the fact that Loki was wearing tight black pants, because he had maybe once or twice stumbled into the gym. He had important business to attend like asking them which pizzas they wanted for dinner. No, he couldn’t have Jarvis do that. Jarvis was the greatest and most important invention ever made, he couldn’t be bothered by that kind of thing. Also Tony had to go there personally to hiss at Pietro whenever he tried to grab Loki to prove that it was possible to grab a god without ending up with a broken jaw.
Natasha and Pietro were working out with Loki. Wanda and Loki were doing some weird magic shit that everybody who loved life stayed away from. Thor was the happiest person on earth. Bruce enjoyed the input Loki could give about the physical aspects of magic. Clint was pleased to have found in Loki a person with an equally crappy taste in movies and Tony… Tony liked how Loki looked in black tight pants.
Yes, life was as an Avenger was weird.
Though Tony was surprised to see that things could get even more awkward. Or fucked up.
These kind of things always started with Tony entering some room with the nicest, most innocent intentions and finding something atrocious going on.
Tony should have known that something fishy was going on when he went into the kitchen and Clint was almost falling off his chair from laughing so hard. Next to him Thor was sitting at the table, bent over a laptop. Yes, this was weird.
“Okay, what is going on?”
Tony’s presence only made Clint laugh harder, barely keeping his balance. “I can’t… too much… so good…”
Frowning Tony turned to Thor who didn’t seem to realise that Clint was having a fit. “What’s going on? You gave him some of the Asgardian mead that had Pietro throwing up for an hour?”
“Better… so much better…”
“I do not know the reason for Agent Barton’s amusement. I simply asked him to show me one of these things you call dating sites.”
Well, to Tony’s defence – he tried to hold on to the table before he also lay on the floor, almost crying with laughter. “I didn’t know you and Jane had an open relationship. Or are you trying o find a third party for some more fun?”
Between laughing so hard Clint gasped for air. “Better! Way better!”
Thor shortly raised an eyebrow at them before he put on his usual smile. “I am looking for a potential match for my brother.”
This time Clint indeed fell from his chair and he and Tony to support themselves, both laughing so hard they could barely stand it. What the hell was happening here? Was Thor setting up a web profile for Loki to get him a girl? Oh god, yes, please! Tony couldn’t wait what would happen if Loki ever heard about that. Finally somebody else than Tony would get thrown out off the window.
“Uhm… Thor… it’s not like I’m not totally supporting you with this, because I am. But if you think Loki should get himself a girlfriend… why don’t you tell him you think he should get himself a girlfriend?” Tony was still breathing hard, sitting on the floor while Clint was wiping his eyes.
Only now Thor looked at them genuinely confused. “I am not trying to find my brother a girlfriend. I want him to be happy.”
“Okay, are you trying to say now that you want to find him just someone to get laid? Because relationships are evil and make people unhappy? Again, I’m totally on your side.”
Thor slowly shook his head. “No, I think a steady relationship would do my brother good. He needs somebody else around him than his brothers in arms. Just not a girl, he has never preferred the company of women.”
This was too much. Tony swallowed his tongue and Clint’s face was getting red from all the laughing. “A Nordic god wants to get his brother a boyfriend via internet. It’s totally Christmas.”
Strangely enough Tony didn’t think this was funny anymore. “Uhm… you are on a normal dating site, aren’t you? For humans?”
Bad mistake. Thor narrowed his eyes and Tony was sure he could hear the rumbling of thunder in the distance. “What are you implying, Tony Stark?”
“Nothing! Just… you have to be careful with dating sites! There are really weird people out there! Most of them are just looking for sex or crazy, weird sex stuff that normal people wouldn’t do. Your brother is a handsome guy, you have to be careful. There will be a bunch of guys who will just want to… Who won’t be interested in him as a person.”
Obviously Thor hadn’t yet considered the possibilities that there were people who actually weren’t nice. “Thank you, Tony Stark, I have not thought about that. I will be most careful.”
“Uhm… you won’t tell Loki about what you’re doing here?”
“Not until I have found a match for him. My brother can be very… hot-headed and dismissive if you want to do him a kindness.”
Kindness… so this was what people called it nowadays.
Clint was still laughing. “Can you imagine his profile? Age – over a 1000 years. Hobbies – telling everyone how inferior they are. Favourite position – kneeling.”
Nobody asked where Clint got the black eye from and even he admitted that he might have deserved it.
***
So Thor wanted Loki to get a boyfriend, probably because he thought it would do him good. Make him a bit happier or it was just Thor’s idea of how Loki should act. Thor was Tony’s friend, so he should help him out on that one, right?
Again it had nothing to do with the fact that he had seen video footage of Loki doing yoga. Jarvis was constantly watching all rooms and sometime Tony thought it was a good idea to take a look at it. Surveillance and everything.
Loki was mediating in the gym when Tony accidentally stumbled in there once again. “You are ruining my concentration, Stark.”
“Ah, I’m distracting you with my great charisma. Remember, I have lots of it.”
Clearly annoyed Loki opened his eyes and cocked his head. “Say whatever you have to say and then leave.”
Well, Tony liked straightforward assholes, didn’t he? He also liked Loki’s v-cut shirt and he had to do Thor a favour. Who knows what weird people might react to the dating site? “Hey, you wanna go out with me sometime?”
Green eyes looked at him and Tony was sure his heart was beating a bit faster than usual. At least the answer came quick and heartless. “No.”
Closing his eyes again Loki went back to mediating and Tony asked himself what the hell was going on. He was Tony Stark, this room was bursting with his charisma. “Hey, did you understand that? I asked you to go out with me.”
You did and he said no
Holy fuck! Tony almost jumped out off his skin when he heard Wanda talking to him. Inside his own head. “Fuck, I told you to stop that! This is fucking harassment! I knew the two of you spending time together was a bad idea! Oh, fuck you!”
Tony stormed out off the room, not missing the smile on Loki’s lips.
***
Of course Thor couldn’t keep his stupid plan a secret for long. Especially not when Clint was laughing his ass off half of the time when he only saw Thor or Loki. The good thing was that Loki saw that as a reason to instantly leave again. Natasha had figured the whole thing out and had smacked Tony and Clint, because they hadn’t talked Thor out of this thing yet.
“Man of Iron, you were right. I fear most people on this website don’t have honourable intentions.” Thor was staring at the computer screen, looking kind of embarrassed and Clint almost stumbled over his own feet so fast he was running over to Thor to see what he was talking about. “Let me see! Let me see!”
Thor only screwed up his face in disgust, while it was Christmas all over again for Clint. “Fuck, this is too good. Hey there, beautiful. If I invite you over for dinner, can we start with the dessert? Cuz you look good enough to eat.”
Natasha rolled her eyes, Thor screwed his face up, Clint laughed and Tony would tell Jarvis to hack that stupid dating site and get that guy’s social security number.
“It is nice to compliment my brother’s appearance, but that seems to be all he is interested in.”
“Oh, new message, new message! Damn, Loki is popular. Guys, you won’t believe that! Can we print that on T-shirts? I love your sinister and dominant look. I need someone to teach me a lesson, I’ve been a very bad boy.”
“Thor, what kind of dating site is this?”
Tony could answer Natasha’s question – it was a dating site that was soon going be hacked and every guy who had written Loki a message would have to get some kind of gift.
“Oh, best one’s coming! The weird ones seem to love Loki!” Clint cleared his throat, but still didn’t make it to read the line without laughing. “Gorgeous body you have there. Love the long hair. I would like to tangle my fingers in it while bending you over and…”
“Agent Barton! Stop this instantly! I do not want to hear about these vile things this honourless person wishes to do to my brother.”
“Well, Thor, it’s an online dating website. What did you expect?” Tony made a nonchalant gesture. “Poetry and flowers? Would your brother like that? Poetry and flowers?”
The look Natasha gave him scared the crap out of Tony, but Thor was of course none the wiser. “Yes, he would definitely prefer flowers and poetry to this.”
Worth a shot.
***
Tony had gotten himself some popcorn and sat down in front of one of the computer screens in his workshop. Jarvis had told him 10 seconds ago that Loki had just gotten back from his mission with Wanda and Steve, so the game was one. Wasn’t it nice to have video footage of every single room in the tower? Well, except for Natasha’s, but Tony was scared of her.
Loki was acting civilised and traditional today, he actually used the door to his room and stopped dead in his tracks after one step. Ah! First success!
Obviously surprised by the flowers and the piece of paper lying on his bed Loki slowly walked around his own bed, watching the items from every different angle.
Maybe it hadn’t been that much of a good idea to sneak into Loki’s room and put it there. Asgaridan privacy and shit…
Finally Loki picked up one of the Green Carnations and looked at it intently. Come on, reindeer games, smile. They are pretty flowers and they are green!
When he was done looking at the flowers, thinking God knows what Loki put them carelessly down to pick up the paper and to read Tony’s great master class of poetry.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your eyes are green. Come on, go out with me, don’t be mean.
Loki dropped it immediately and turned… to the camera?! How the fuck did he know where it was?!
“No.”
Again, so simple and heartbreaking. Couldn’t Tony at least get an insult from him?
“I’m not sure how you Americans call that… but I think I heard the expression – you just got burned.”
Tony almost got a heart attack, again, spun around only to see Pietro’s shit eating grin for a second before he was gone again.
“Jarvis! Could warn me next time when something like this happens?!”
***
Plan A had failed and Plan B obviously hadn’t worked out as well. All Tony had achieved so far was that the Twins knew about his… project of getting Loki to go out with him. No way he wasn’t going to be called out on this anyway, so why not try something different?
It was movie night, but because it was Steve’s turn to choose a movie the Twins, Loki and Natasha had decided to go out and get some drinks instead of falling asleep in front of the TV. Good for Tony, now his only worries were that Bruce might hulk out or Thor smashing his skull with the hammer. Or Clint dying of laughter.
They were all just getting comfortable in front of the TV when Tony spilled the beans. “So Thor, how is your search for a boyfriend for Loki going?”
Okay, maybe Steve would die of asphyxiation, because he was chocking on his popcorn.
“I fear not well, Man of Iron. Lady Natasha forced me to delete the online profile, but I think she might have been right about that. I would not trust any of these strangers to treat my brother right.”
“What?! Boyfriend? Dating site?” Steve looked strangely pale and Clint comfortingly patted his thigh. “Don’t worry, I’ll explain it to you. Fucking hilarious.”
“Strangers, right. Bad people, not trustworthy. Loki needs someone trustworthy. Nice, honourable and maybe not too responsible, Loki would be getting quickly annoyed. A good, highly charismatic person who likes your brother and isn’t afraid to boss him around a little. Sounds good, doesn’t it?”
Thor seems intrigued and looked expectantly at Tony. “Indeed. Do you have someone in my mind?”
“So glad you ask. I know a great, outlandishly attractive bastard who wants to go out with your brother. Right here.” Theatrically and with a huge grin on his lips Tony pointed at himself and was tempted to add a “Voilà!”
What followed was quite odd. Thor didn’t immediately jump up in delight, planned a wedding and told Tony that this was the greatest idea ever. Instead the opposite, first a frown, then he narrowed his eyes the tiniest bit. “I do not wish to offend you, Man of Iron, but you are entirely unfit to be a prince consort.”
Tony’s mouth dropped open, Steve blushed so hard that Bruce felt obligated to pat his back and Clint looked dreamily from one person to another. “This is just wonderful.”
“Unfit?! Hey! I’m Iron Man! I am a billionaire, philanthropist, play… Whatever, I have a shitload of Charisma, I personally saved the earth one time and almost died. I helped saving it another time, I am awesome, don’t have a single grey hair and I think your brother is hot! How am I not fit to be… How can I not be good enough for your brother?” Tony was really getting into this, because being rejected by Loki was one thing, but Thor telling him he was unfit was the last drop.
Clearing his throat Steve tried to interfere, most probably because he was embarrassed. “Tony, maybe you should…”
“I know and appreciate highly your value as a warrior and as a friend, Tony Stark.” Thor had an unusually stern look on his face that made Tony want to slap him. “But considering your previous romantic involvements I cannot approve your intentions to court my brother.”
What the utter…
“Wow, this is so going on Youtube!” Tony couldn’t even be bothered by Clint who seemed to be recording the conversation with his phone. He was way too pissed at Thor who wasn’t approving his and Loki’s relationship. That Loki refused to go out with him in the first place was the smaller problem now.
“What is going on here? Tony, do you really want to date Loki?” Steve was still trying to understand, while Tony tried to keep his blood from boiling. “Now listen, point break! Something isn’t right here! I am Tony Stark! I shouldn’t be convincing you, you should be begging me! I saved the world and I am bachelor of the year. What more could you wish for?”
“Great, Tony, perfect! A little louder, the microphone of my phone isn’t that good.”
The only sane person left was Bruce and he brought up an argument Tony didn’t want to think about right now. “Shouldn’t you be having this conversation with Loki if you want to go out with him?”
“Oh come on, Bruce! Don’t bring logic into this! You’ll ruin the video.”
Thor was shaking his head and still not feeling sorry for being such a judgmental ass. “You have your qualities and I am glad to call you my friend, but Loki needs stability. Someone calm and reasonable.”
“Oh great, really. Someone boring, plain who Loki is going to ignore and not even look at. Like Steve.”
“Hey!” Strange thing to get offended over, especially if you’re little, pure, golden boy Captain America.
Tony regretted the words instantly, not because of Steve’s reaction, but the one of another blonde, blue-eyed guy. The prospect of Tony being interested in Loki was kind of a downer, but now that Steve’s name was out in the open Thor remembered how to smile. “The Captain courting my brother would bring great honour to my entire family. Especially to my brother.”
“That’s it. I’m going to put on the suit.” Tony was getting up from the couch, only to be pulled back by Bruce who told him to not be stupid. Clint was of a different opinion.
“Just let me get this straight – Your brother who is kind of crazy just converted to the good guys, but once tried to take over the world and tried to kill you… but I am not good enough for him and perhaps a bad influence, but Captain Sunshine over there is?!”
Steve, still looking like he would instantly crawl into a hole and hide there till the next World War, spoke up. “Tony, calm down! It’s not like I’m interested in dating Loki.”
Thor’s face fell and Clint looked ready to orgasm any second. “A pity. You’re a fine man, Captain Rogers.”
“Fine my ass! He draws creepy pictures of your brother!”
“He agreed to model for me!”
“So you are interested in my brother?”
“No!”
“Why not, Steve? After all you are the only guy here who’s worthy of Prince Horny Helmet. Bruce and Legolas have already at least once used a swear word in their lives, so they are completely unfit too.”
Tony would never understand why Clint now put his phone down and seemed kind of offended. “Hey, nobody said that I was unworthy.”
Thor’s silence and the sheepish look on his face was enough to turn Clint to the dark side. “What?! I am a great warrior, I saved the world and I am not a lunatic who’s constantly sleeping around like Tony.”
“Your weapon of choice is a bow and although you master it like no other, it is still a craven weapon.”
“Tony, put the suit on. I get my bow and we’ll show this guy how worthy we are.”
Bruce started to rub his temples and hummed softly. “I can’t believe that a discussion about who is or isn’t allowed to date Loki might one day bring out the Hulk.”
“Everyone calm down…”
“You don’t get to talk, Steve. You’re the worthy one.”
“Why are you so upset about what Thor thinks?” Steve frowned at them. “Clint, you don’t even like Loki and Tony, if you like him, you should talk to Loki if he likes you or not.”
Thor then proved that he had no idea when it was about time to shut up. “My brother’s opinion would not differ from mine. He is very… picky.”
Yes, Thor didn’t know when to shut up, but Tony was determined to prove that his mouth wasn’t connected at all to his brain. “He fucked a horse, how picky can he be?”
Everybody heard the thunder rumbling outside before Thor got up. Damn, Tony was a dead man. Blue eyes were piercing through him, flashing with anger and Thor’s voice actually made him flinch. “I will not tolerate you discrediting my brother’s honour by spreading vile lies about him!”
Like the worthy hero he was Steve jumped up and put a hand on Thor’s arm. “Thor, calm down. Tony is a bit upset, because you’re not keen on him dating Loki. You have to understand that, you weren’t… nice. What Tony said was out of the line and he is going to apologize for it.”
“What?! I’m not going to…”
“Tony!”
“Okay, okay… whatever. Sorry, I’m sure your brother is into normal stuff… like people.”
Thor growled in response, but he seemed appeased. “I think it would be a good time now to watch the movie.”
“Yes, please.” Bruce’s sigh of relief was loud enough to be heard outside the room and Tony was about to let it go. Fucking Thor, what did he know anyway? He was Tony Stark, he was able to charm anyone and he was so damned worthy.
Five minutes into the movie, the atmosphere was calm enough that one could be fooled to believe that this argument was over. If it wasn’t for Clint’s archer proud. “But you guys do realize that, craven weapon or not, Loki would totally choose me over all of you.”
“Keep on dreaming, Katniss. It’s you against me, you don’t stand a chance.”
“This conversation is ridiculous. My brother would choose the Captain over you.”
“Thor, please, stop dragging me into this.”
The discussion went on for three minutes, then Bruce had to leave the room or he would hulk out. Not that everyone else gave a shit about him leaving, they were way too busy fighting over the fact who would hold Loki’s affections.
“I am hotter than you!”
“First, that’s a lie and second, Loki is into intelligence. He likes smart people, so I’m in. You’re out.”
“Please, don’t tell me this is what I think it is.”
Everyone flinched, turning around to see Natasha, Wanda, Pietro and Loki standing in the doorframe. Their expressions varied from horrified to amused. Tony closed his eyes for a second, before he looked up at the ceiling. “Jarvis, you are so fired.”
Natasha pinched the bridge of her nose, slightly shaking her head. “Clint, out. Now.”
“In a second, Nat.” Clint made a dismissive hand gesture and turned to the Avengers who had just come home. Especially the one who looked incredibly bored by all of this. “Hey, Loki. Thor thinks both of us are unworthy to even look into your direction and wants to set you up with Cap since nobody on the dating website was good enough for you… but the question is who turns you on more – me or Tony?”
“Jesus!” Steve started praying, Natasha was cursing in Russian, Wanda looked confused and Loki just raised an eyebrow. “So this is what you discuss with our brothers in arms when I’m not around, brother.”
“Loki, I swear, we haven’t…”
Sighing softly Loki shook his head. “I am too tired to deal with this kind of thing. I’m going to bed.” Turning to Pietro he asked “You’re coming?”
Not waiting for an answer Loki simply teleported away and Pietro followed his suit after loudly declaring “And I thought Stark writing poems about my boyfriend’s eyes was weird…”
Then he was gone, leaving behind four dumbfounded male Avengers. Wanda looked at them with a frown. “You did not know about that?”
Clint’s eyes nearly popped out, staring at Natasha. “Did you know about that?!”
“Of course, I did.”
“Then why didn’t you say anything?!”
“Because it’s always refreshing watching you making fools of yourselves.”
So the women also left them alone and Tony was determined to not stop pouting for the next week. Beaten by a kid whose only virtue was to run really fast. His reputation was so ruined.
A few minutes of silence later Clint cleared his throat, eyes carefully meeting Thor’s. “But you gotta admit Tony and I are worthier than Pietro?”
Thor’s silence said more than a whole dictionary.
“Oh, come on!”