Chapter Text
I lose you either way, bella. I’d rather lose you and have you be alive.
Carina!
Carina!
How could you do this to me?
No, I can’t.
Carina!
Carina!
Carina stood by the door, hiding from Maya’s eyesight, barely holding herself up as her wife screamed for her inside. Her knees threatened to buckle from under her, so she laid a hand on the wall behind her and brought the other up to cover her eyes as her composure grumbled.
Carina!
How could you?
How could you?
Get back here!
She was unable to move further away. Her feet stayed rooted in place as two nurses rushed past her, alerted by Dr. Altman, Teddy, her friend, as Maya’s heart rate climbed.
The screams were piercing, everyone in the hallway had slowed down or stopped walking altogether, looking over at the scene that was happening in front of them.
Carina prayed that Maya would calm down.
She knew that there was an officer right beside her, ready to go into the room if needs be. It’s something that Carina had thought sounded ridiculous when Teddy had mentioned the regulation that they had to follow with this kind of situation… But then she had found herself threatening her wife of just that.
Maya, I’m serious. If you try to leave, I’ll have to put you in restraints. Please, don’t make this harder than it needs to be.
Every bone in her body told Carina to turn back around and rush back into the room, to wrap Maya in her arms and soothe her panic screams… but she couldn’t.
For the very first time, she knew she had to follow her head over her heart.
She barely made out the sound of Teddy’s voice asking for Maya to be sedated as she attempted to block out the yelling by weakly plugging her ears with her fingers.
Carina from two days ago would have found the action child-like, but today had triggered her in more than one way. The lashing out, the yelling, the panic, and the fear; it all brought her back to a childhood that she had worked hard to leave behind.
The Italian found herself using the same coping mechanisms she had as a child, her body instinctively reacting in the same way as it did when she had to suffer through her father’s tantrums.
“ Andrà tutto bene, lei starà bene, tu stai bene… ”
She repeated the words to herself under her breath as she stayed in place for several minutes, waiting until the screams stopped, until the sobs turned into whimpers, and then… nothing.
Silence.
Only then did Carina dare to move.
As she took two tentative steps into the room, Teddy still stood by the left side of Maya’s bed watching over her.
The blonde’s eyes were closed, the sedation that the nurse had administered plus her already exhausted state had been enough to send her to sleep. Her heart rate had mobilized but she didn’t look peaceful. Even now, Maya looked to be in pain.
“We had to sedate her; she was panicking. She’ll be asleep for a while…” Teddy quietly said, offering a tight-lipped smile to Carina. “As she had panic attacks before?”
Carina immediately thought back to their first vacation together, to the first time that she had witnessed the blonde having a panic attack. It had been years since then and looking back, Carina now knew that it was one of the very signs that she had missed.
She made fun of her clipboards and her lists, but Maya’s need for control ran deeper than that.
“Yes…”
“I’m not going to ask if you’re okay… but do you need anything?” Teddy asked.
Carina sighed before taking a deep breath. She carefully stepped closer to Maya, coming to the right side of her bed as she eyed the nurses while they cleared the room before answering.
“I need my wife back…”
Reaching out, Carina extended her hand towards the blonde’s face, carefully brushing away some hair that had fallen over Maya’s left eye. She brought her thumb to the blonde’s forehead, tracing the vein there that she found so adorable when it came out from Maya laughing. It was the same vein that also became more prominent when she screamed or cried.
Now that she was sleeping, it gave Carina the chance to truly look at her wife. The bruise that had formed right before her temple didn’t seem too bad but the bags under her eyes from exhaustion and the paleness of her skin sent a chill down her spine.
Maya barely looked like herself.
“She asked for you,” Teddy said, breaking the silence.
Carina looked up and frowned at her, confused by her statement.
“No, I mean, when she first woke up in the E.R. I asked how she was feeling and the first and only words that came out of her when we explained that she was in the hospital were asking where you were.”
“Oh, bambina…” Carina sighed.
She kept her right hand on the top of Maya’s head, slowly brushing her hair back as she carefully reached for the blonde’s left hand to caress her thumb over the back of it. It was a habit, something she often did whether her hand was on Maya’s thigh, arm, cheek, or hand.
Once upon a time, she could feel Maya instinctively relax whenever Carina performed the motion.
“ Mi dispiace tanto che si sia dovuto arrivare a questo. ” She whispered, only for Maya’s ears.
Even if the firefighter had been awake, she wouldn’t have known what the Italian had just said, but it felt important to Carina. It was the truth. She had never wanted this.
Jack had opened her eyes to something that even Carina hadn’t wanted to accept before today.
When she first met Maya, learning about the gold medal and how she had succeeded on a sprained ankle had been impressive.
Then a few months later, Carina learned about Lane Bishop and what he had done to Maya throughout her childhood. It had made her sad, but she knew the pride that the firefighter felt in what she had accomplished. Despite her father, it was Maya who had achieved those things, it was Maya who had run across that finish line.
With time, Carina had learned to accept that Maya didn’t really slow down.
She got scraps and small burns from fires, and it was fine. She passed out on K2, and it was no big deal. She got blown back by an explosion leaving bruises down her back, and it wasn’t even brought up until a few days later. She hid in the guest room to ice her ankle that she had sprained weeks prior, and it was something that Carina knew to ignore.
Maya never complained, and never said that anything hurt, and Carina learned to push back her fear and not question it, because the blonde simply, didn’t stop and wouldn’t stop.
Except now, her coping mechanism, running and working out, which she had been doing excessively for months, had brought her near death and Maya didn’t even blink an eye.
She still refused to slow down, still begged to be let out so she could rush to a scene to help her team, demonstrating that same need that Maya had felt years ago in that hotel room in Los Angeles.
If Maya was to walk out of the hospital today, it could lead to her death, and she still refused to see it and acknowledge it.
There was no denying it anymore, Maya was unconsciously harming herself.
Carina had spilled her heart to Teddy earlier. The surgeon had listened carefully to everything Carina was explaining to her before they came to the same conclusion.
It was clear that the Italian didn’t have the resources to help Maya on her own anymore.
And for Carina, one thing was even clearer. Up until now, she had been blinded by her love for Maya.
She believed that if Maya would just listen to her, and get the help she needed, she could be okay, that they could be okay.
Time and time again, her wife had shut her down. Time and time again, Carina had been on the receiving end of attacks and outbursts, but they had been nowhere near as hurtful as the ones from today. Maya had never yelled at her the way that she did earlier and certainly didn’t use her grief against her.
A part of her knew that it was only a reaction from the blonde due to her lack of control over the situation. She felt cornered and when Maya felt backed into a situation that she had no control over, it was like an animal in a cage.
It was the same thing that had led to her infidelity years ago.
It wasn’t her Maya.
It was the trauma talking and even against her own thoughts, Carina found herself defending the blonde, finding excuses for her actions because… it wasn’t her Maya.
It wasn’t her Maya who kissed her awake every morning when she came home from work, who had cried happy tears in front of their friends as they got engaged, and who had forgotten to write her own vows at their wedding due to excitement. It wasn’t her Maya who made a detour to Carina’s favorite café when she visited her at work on her days off, who sang in the shower, who always stopped by the store to buy her sweets and wine when she knew she had a hard day at work, and who loved to cuddle in bed on Sunday mornings.
But that was her heart talking.
Her brain told her that it was time. That the things that Maya had said today were almost unforgivable.
That the things she had said would be unforgivable in any other circumstances.
Carina recognized the behavior in herself. It was the same behavior that had led her to take in her father’s moods and harsh words for years and still show up for him when he needed her. It’s the pull that always had her running back to his side whenever he was in trouble. She’d put her entire life on hold and drop everything in an instant for him.
It was the curse… the same curse her brother had, the DeLuca curse to always help people.
Her wife was sick, more than physically sick, and having her committed right now was the only way that Carina could protect her from hurting herself for a few days at least.
“If you need anything, you know where to find me,” Teddy said, again breaking the silence in the room.
Carina grabbed her wrist before she could leave the room.
“Wait, Teddy. Will you update me?”
“You mean… Carina, with everything you said earlier, she clearly didn’t-”
“I know,” the Italian cut her off. “I’m not done, done. I don’t- I can’t- I’m so in love with her. She’s the love of my life. She’s- She’s… She’s the only reason I found myself again after Andrea. She knows this. And I know she does love me but… I just… This is what is best for both of us right now. She doesn’t understand… Just please, will you update me?”
“Of course, Carina,” Teddy answered, squeezing her hand before heading out.
“Wait! Sorry. Thank you, for everything.”
“Of course, and please, don’t hesitate if you need anything.”
Once Teddy was gone, Carina decided to move to the blonde’s other side, bringing the chair closer to the bed so she could keep a hand on her.
We’re done. Do you hear me? If you walk out that door, we are done.
Carina couldn’t help the tears that watered her eyes once more.
There was no screaming anymore, the room was silent excluding the beeping from Maya’s heart monitor, and still, the brunette could hear her voice as clear as day in her head.
She could hear the panic in her screams, the choked sobs that had ripped out of her throat, the harshness in her tone, the pain, the betrayal….
It’s not something she’d be able to forget anytime soon.
“Ti amo, bambina. Sempre.”
--
Once Carina made it back to her office to change before heading home, her decision was made.
She had stayed long enough by Maya’s side while she slept for her head to clear out as best as it could.
She had already answered Andy’s text questioning her about Maya. She had messaged her back that the blonde could receive visitors but had warned her that she wouldn’t be there. Carina had briefly explained that Maya was now on a 72-hours involuntary hold, making sure to explicitly specify to not let other members of the station know.
Her other messages went unanswered.
She didn’t have it in herself to answer them right now, and she didn’t want to lie. She couldn’t message back the other members of the station that had reached out saying “everything is fine, Maya is okay” because she wasn’t.
She hadn’t been okay for a long time and her wife’s supposed family had barely cared.
She knew from Maya that no one had attempted to stand up for her as Beckett treated her horribly for months. They hadn’t shown the same support as Maya showed when Sullivan had gone through his own investigation and panel. She now realized that everyone had rallied together to help Jack, while the more subtle signs of Maya’s distress had gone unnoticed, and it angered her.
The thought of Maya lying on the floor of the station for hours made her nauseous.
Carina quickly took off her scrubs, changing into the outfit that she had put on before rushing to the hospital in the middle of the night.
She wasn’t even supposed to be at the hospital that night… The simple thought that there had been a chance that she wouldn’t even have been at the hospital when Maya had been brought in…
“Cazzo… Smettila.”
Once she was changed, Carina turned to the little decorative plate that held all her rings, it was kept on her bookshelf by the closet. Her wedding ring stood out from the others, almost staring back jokingly at her.
She slid them on her fingers until she stood there with only the gold band between her fingers, examining it.
Maya had the same one.
They had decided on them when Carina was still in Italy. Maya had brought up the subject during one of their many wedding-planning video calls. The blonde had been the one to suggest that they got matching bands. Gold was never a hesitation; it matched all the other rings that Carina wore for years now, the ones that Maya loved.
The firefighter had also insisted on needing a silicone ring for work. Her reasoning had been that it was important for her to always have a piece of Carina with her, which was the same way the Italian felt about her own ring.
It wasn’t a possessive item that claimed that she was someone's property. It represented their love and their commitment. Maya was always with her.
Sempre
It was the engraving that they had picked for the inside of the ring. Forever… it felt like so long ago now but also yesterday. Carina remembered everything about that day; the day that Ben had pronounced them wife and wife.
For better or for worse, they would love each other, forever.
It was simple, but it meant everything.
Carina slid the ring on her finger, before picking up her purse and heading out of her office.
--
It was strange to walk into the apartment knowing what she was there for and what she was about to do.
It’s not something that she had ever thought she would be doing. She shared this place with the person who had become her home years ago now. If she ever was to leave this place, Carina had figured that it would have been because they had bought a house. It had been mentioned a few times, how eventually if they were to have a baby, finding a bigger space would be in the cards for them.
There was a time when Maya had even started looking at listings, she had made lists of what they wanted and didn't want, what they were willing to budge on, and what wasn't negotiable. They weren't in a hurry but it was never too early to get started. A big bathroom with a bathtub, a backyard big enough to throw balls and play around, a guest room, a nursery, and a master bedroom, a large island in the kitchen with lots of counter space...
Carina ached to get this task over with, so she walked quickly to the bedroom, not bothering to take off her boots or her jacket. She be-lined to the bed to throw down her purse, before heading to the closet and taking out the suitcase that was kept in there.
She’d need her scrubs. She’d need some day clothes and some professional outfits as well.
She packed quickly, not even bothering to really look at what she was grabbing.
Her eyes couldn’t help but drift towards the other side of the bed, Maya’s side, every time she added something to the suitcase. She could almost imagine the blonde peacefully sleeping there… but that was before their life changed.
Carina thought back to the fight they had that morning; when she had announced that she had taken a pregnancy test on her own. Her brain having a hard time with the fact that only a little over 24 hours had passed since then.
Carina had run off to the bathroom to end the argument, coming out to an empty apartment as Maya had gone on that run she had woken up for.
They hadn’t said I love you to each other that morning…
They always said it and that morning, clouded by the argument, they hadn’t, and then…
Maya could have died.
Her phone rang from the inside of her purse, and Carina rushed to answer it, scared that it was Teddy calling from the hospital.
No one knew what Maya’s reaction would be when she woke up again. The sedation had to have faded by now, and the brunette had been fighting the urge to message Teddy and ask her anything first.
However, it was Gabriella’s name that flashed on the screen.
Carina let out a shuttered breath before answering.
“Ciao,” she choked out.
“Tesoro, come stai?” Gabrielle asked on the other end.
“Gabri… è successo qualcosa.”
And then the tears fell. The ones that Carina had pushed down for the entire night. Gut-wrenching sobs shook her entire body as her knees buckled and she fell, seated down, at the end of the bed.
--
Falling in love with Maya Bishop had been the easiest thing in the world. She hadn’t thought about it or calculated it; she hadn’t even really seen it coming if she was being honest. Carina had just realized, one day, as she watched Maya throw her head back laughing at one of her jokes, that she was in love with the woman beside her.
It was during their first vacation together in Los Angeles. They had just come back from the restaurant and Carina was seated against the headboard while Maya took off her shoes at the end of the bed. Maya was laughing at Carina’s comment about the waiter’s fake Spanish accent. It was something the Italian was convinced he had done to try to get the blonde’s attention.
“He did not!” Maya argued, laughing.
“Si, si, I swear. He heard my accent and that man figured; this is what she likes!”
Maya laughed again, before turning her body and climbing on her hands and knees towards Carina.
“Well…”
“Well?” Carina asked, playfully wiggling her eyebrows at Maya.
“Unlucky for him… your accent is much sexier,” Maya said, now climbing over Carina’s body and leaning forward to kiss her.
Their lips met and Carina hummed into the kiss before leaning back a little so she could talk.
“You know what? I knew it.”
“Knew what?” Maya questioned, before distributing kisses down Carina’s neck.
The brunette rolled her eyes even though Maya couldn’t see it, a light-hearted laugh coming out of her which was soon replaced by a surprised moan when Maya playfully used her teeth on that one spot on her neck.
It was a sign for the firefighter to keep going and she kept distributing kisses and small bites down her neck until she had to use her hand to push away the fabric that was hiding Carina’s collarbone.
Just as Carina was getting lost in Maya’s touch, the blonde stopped.
“Knew what?” Maya asked again, leaning back so she could look Carina in the eyes.
“My accent,” Carina said, bringing her hands to rub up and down on Maya’s thighs that were straddling her waist. “That’s what made you change your mind the night that we met.”
Maya pushed herself back further with her hands, using the headboard as leverage, before fully leaning back and sitting down on Carina’s waist.
“It was more than that.”
The look in her eyes at that moment…
These eyes could make Carina do anything that the blonde wanted. Even though the room was dark, the Italian could swear that Maya’s eyes sparkled. There was a softness in them that the brunette only ever rarely saw and that was often directed only at her. It made her want to lean forward and forget about this conversation altogether so she could kiss Maya passionately.
“I was so lost and you…” Maya paused, looking down at her hands for a few seconds before looking up again and continuing, “Carina, I think you’re the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.”
Carina looked around the room that she was in.
It was a decent hotel room, she was on one of the highest floors of the building, the bed was large, the bathtub begged to be used from what she had seen when she peaked in, and it was close to the hospital which was the most important part.
She didn’t know for how long she’d be here, so she had opted for a four-star hotel that a lot of the visiting doctors from the hospital frequented when they came into town.
Her bags were on the floor by the end of the bed, and she briefly wondered if she should unpack them now.
The sun was shining through the large windows of the room, and instead, Carina found herself walking over to them. She leaned her hand against the glass, looking down at the people down below. It was around noon and the streets were full of people enjoying a rare sunny day in Seattle’s winter.
Gabriella was on her way.
The Italian hadn’t even let Carina argue with her once she had heard what had happened. As soon as the words left the brunette’s mouth, Gabriella booked a flight and was going to be here within the next 72 hours.
The doctor had expected Gabriella to swear out about Maya’s actions on the phone as she explained the events, but her best friend had surprised her. Instead, she had simply made sure that Carina was okay and said that they’d talk more once she got to the city.
It’s true that Gabriella had grown to care for the firefighter. Even though their first meeting had been rocky due to the native Italian’s constant testing of Maya at every turn, they had grown friendly with each other. Maya now understood that it had been Gabriella’s protectiveness that had come to play in that scenario.
During Carina’s last visit to Italy, she had stayed with Gabriella, and Maya’s jealousy had evaporated as soon as it was clear that Gabriella wanted to know every single detail of their wedding planning.
She made a point to crash as often as possible the video calls they had planned just so she could bug Maya about what traditional food they absolutely needed. Reminding the blonde at every turn that “ Carina is Italian, Maya. You’re having an Italian wedding; I don’t care that this restaurant sells perogies. ”
Before they had met, Carina would have never even considered the possibility of marriage but… Maya was Maya.
And with time, Gabriella understood exactly what Carina saw in the feisty blonde firefighter.
There was a time that she had thought that no one would ever be good enough for her best friend, but Maya had proved her wrong.
When Andrea passed, she rushed to Seattle the second that she heard. At the time, she was thankful that she had been in the United States working at a hospital in California when the pandemic hit, she had decided to stick around for the next few months and when it happened, it had made it all the easier to head to Seattle. Carina needed someone to take care of her and help her, and Gabriella knew that the brunette was never someone to put herself first or vocalize her needs.
But quickly, she realized that Maya had things taken care of.
Despite the horrible grief, Gabriella could see the love shining in Carina’s eyes as she looked at the blonde. And she saw the same thing in Maya’s eyes as well.
Her best friend was in love, and she was loved back in a way that made Gabriella feel secure enough to only stay for a couple of days.
Now, Carina was still waiting to hear back from Gabriella about her exact time of arrival, she was off for the next couple of days and left alone with her own thoughts which she hated. Part of her almost wanted to check up on Jo at the hospital to see if she needed a helping hand on anything but then again… She’d know that if she were to go to the hospital now, she’d be unable to fight the urge to go check on Maya herself.
Her phone vibrated on the desk where she had left it, a text message lightening the screen over a photo of her and her wife at their wedding.
Maya’s smile and teary eyes were unmistakable. It was Carina’s favorite photo of the day.
She’s awake, and she’s calm. Andy is here.
Carina dropped the phone back on the desk, feeling relief that Maya wasn’t alone anymore.
But now what?