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“SANS!” Papyrus shouts, stepping into their living room with finality. “I NEED TO TALK TO YOU. ARE YOU BUSY?”
“oh, hey.” Sans looks up from his laptop monitor, mouth stuffed with potato chisps, half-eaten bag within reach. “your timing is pretty unfortunate. i’m currently engaged in a discussion on a forum with chara about my thoughts on self-defense and violence, but i’d be a bad brother to not listen to you. what’s up?”
“I WON’T KEEP YOU LONG. I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THE TWO OF US.”
“we’re pretty great, aren’t we?”
“REALLY?!” Papyrus beams brightly, as if there was any doubt that Sans thought otherwise. “YOU MEAN IT?”
“yeah, you bet! we’ve got a lot in common. we both love puzzles, we can crack each other up with jokes, we’re both very cool, and best of all, we’re brothers. anyway, what is it you wanted to talk about?”
“DO YOU THINK WE’RE TOO CODEPENDENT?”
“papyrus, come on, you’re my best friend. we aren’t ‘codependent.’ we care about one another a lot. that’s not a bad thing. one of the best things in my life is having you as my brother. don’t worry about our relationship. we’re doing fine. i wouldn’t change a thing.”
“GOOD! I WANTED TO MAKE SURE BECAUSE I READ RUMORS ABOUT US ON THE UNDERNET. AND WHAT I READ WAS RATHER… ALARMING.”
“oh? rumors on the undernet can be quite the dangerous mix of fake and true. what are they saying about us, paps?”
“THAT IS WHAT THEY’RE SAYING, SANS! THAT WE ARE ‘CODEPENDENT!' AND THEN THERE ARE OTHER RUMORS THAT SAY WE ARE, UM…” Papyrus blushes and promptly looks away from Sans.
“codependent? that’s kinda mean. what was that other rumor? it sounds ridiculous from the start, but i still want to hear it.”
“THEY THINK WE ARE…” Papyrus whispers the last word. “COPULATING.”
“what?! they think we’re what?! i… i can’t even... papyrus, i—we’re not codependent, or… copulating, what a ridiculous thing to say! i can’t believe people waste time spreading disgusting rumors like these…”
“THE THING IS THEY DON’T FIND THEM DISGUSTING, SANS. THEY… THEY SUPPORT IT.”
“s-support… it? that is… oh... oh my god... what is wrong with them?!”
“I DON’T KNOW! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE THEY GOT THIS IMPRESSION! BUT THIS IS WHAT THEY’RE SAYING ABOUT US!”
“papyrus, i don’t even know what to say. i knew the undernet was bad, but this is...”
“I THINK WE SHOULD DISPEL THESE RUMORS ONCE AND FOR ALL!”
“sure, but how? how can we tell all the undernet that we’re not codependent or… copulating? i don’t even want to say that word again.”
Papyrus gives this some thought.
“WE COULD PRETEND TO DATE OTHER PEOPLE! WE WILL GIVE THEM SOMETHING ELSE TO SPREAD RUMORS ABOUT!”
“yeah, good idea! although we should let our fake partners know that they would be in a fake relationship with us.”
“YES, OF COURSE! OUR FAKE PARTNERS WILL BE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS PLAN. THESE RUMORS CAN’T BE DISPELLED WITHOUT THEM! WE NEED TO FIND THE MOST CONVINCING FAKE PARTNERS WE CAN… AND FAST. THEY’RE SPREADING THESE RUMORS ABOUT US AS WE SPEAK! QUICK, PICK A FAKE PARTNER!”
“hm, let me think…” Sans squints his eyes. “alphys? i feel like we could convince those people on the undernet i’m close with her. they would never see us coming, and it would shock them to the core… get it? core, cause that’s where alphys works...”
“SANS! WILL YOU BE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS?!”
“sorry, paps. anyway, what do you think?”
“IT’S ALMOST PERFECT. BUT THERE’S ONE PROBLEM.”
“what’s that?”
“ALPHYS IS ONE OF THE PEOPLE SPREADING THESE RUMORS ABOUT US. SHE SHIPS US!”
“are you... are you serious, papyrus? alphys, the royal scientist, is one of those weirdos who ships us?”
“IT’S THE TRUTH! SHE HAS A WHOLE FAN PAGE DEDICATED TO OUR… ALLEGED PROCLIVITIES.”
“a whole fan page? oh god, this is worse that i imagined…”
“MAYBE WE CAN ADOPT AN ONLINE PERSONA, VISIT THIS FAN PAGE, AND SPREAD HATEFUL THINGS ON IT!!!”
“cool, yeah. we can spread so much hate on her fan page that people won’t dare to spread these rumors any more. great idea, paps.”
“VERY WELL! LET US VISIT THAT PAGE RIGHT NOW. THE URL IS: PAPYRUSXSANSXXX.COM.”
“papyrusxsansxxx.com? oh no. that title… oh no…”
“I SHOULD WARN YOU, IT IS QUITE GRAPHIC.”
Sans hesitantly types in the URL.
“oh god.”
“AS YOU CAN SEE, WE REALLY LIKE EACH OTHER HERE.”
“this... this can’t be real. a whole undernet page has been dedicated to this?! this is awful, papyrus.” Sans starts scrolling down, slowly but surely.
Eventually, he gets to the worst part.
The fanart.
“oh no.”
“WOWIE! LOOK AT US! WE LOOK WET AND IN PAIN… BUT FOR SOME REASON WE’RE SURROUNDED BY HEARTS. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE WE’RE IN PAIN?”
Sans keeps going down, and down, and down, and the fanart gets worse and worse with every scroll. He finally reaches the comments section, and is in complete and utter shock.
Papyrus leans over his shoulder. “WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?! I DIDN’T GET TO READ THE COMMENTS WHEN I FOUND THIS PAGE!”
“they’re saying: ‘so hot.’ ‘so good, so good.’ ‘will be admiring this later tonight...’” Sans groans. “what did i expect? ugh, i think i might be permanently traumatized from this experience.”
“SANS! WE MUST DISPEL THESE RUMORS IMMEDIATELY!”
Papyrus takes over the keyboard and proceeds to type: “EW, SO GROSS.”
A direct message notification appears on the screen.
It is from user: papisans4lyfe
“papyrus, is that alphys?”
“YES, THAT’S HER! LET’S OPEN HER MESSAGE. IT SAYS: I WILL BLOCK YOU IF YOU CONTINUE TO SPREAD HATE ON MY FAN PAGE. THIS IS A PROSHIP ENVIRONMENT.”
“okay, first, that is bullshit. and second, i think we have a problem on our hands. how do we continue without her blocking us?”
“FEAR NOT, SANS. I WILL HANDLE THIS.”
Papyrus types back: “NO, U!”
He waits until the message has been read then braces for the response.
-blocked-
Papyrus frowns.
Well, there goes that plan.
“papyrus, we need to think of something else. we can’t let these rumors run rampant any longer.”
“WE COULD DO A VIOLENCE.”
“a... violence?! you want to do something violent?!”
“YES! WE COULD SIMPLY BLOW UP THE ENTIRE UNDERNET!”
“wait. that’s an idea! we can get rid of all these rumors in one fell smash.”
“YES!!! BUT… HOW DO WE DO IT?”
“i got it. the most violent action we could possibly take would be to create the greatest ship ever, the ship to end all ships—the greatest crack ship the world has ever seen! so much so that it makes the undernet explode from its absurdity.”
“BRILLIANT, BROTHER! YOU’RE BRILLIANT! AND I KNOW THE PERFECT SHIP: SANS X KETCHUP!”
“that is... absolutely fantastic, papyrus! we’ll put an end to this war once and for all!”
Papyrus spends the rest of the day creating artwork of Sans surrounded by bottles of ketchup. He even writes a fanfic, a torrid love story about Sans and a very special, limited-edition ketchup bottle.
“THERE! IT IS READY. NOW WE JUST HAVE TO UPLOAD IT ALL.”
“cool, bro. upload away.”
Papyrus uploads… everything.
As Papyrus uploads the final image, the UnderNet shuts down with a blip.
A little while later, Sans receives a phone call from Alphys.
“hey, alphs.”
“The entire UnderNet has gone down, Sans! It crashed after a traffic overload. I’m working to restore it, but I m-might need your help… I j-just don’t know what in the world happened…”
“we happened. papyrus and i... “ Sans begins to chuckle. “we uploaded the greatest crack ship in all of history, alphys. we uploaded so much sans x ketchup that the undernet couldn’t take it.”
“Y-y-you two did what now?”
Sans begins to laugh louder. “yeah, you heard me. we uploaded a grand total of five hundred thirty-eight images of me with a different bottle of ketchup every time. and a fifty thousand word fanfiction.”
A pause.
“C-can you tell me what you’re d-doing with the ketchup in those images?” Alphys’ stammering starts to get worse. “I-I-I need to m-m-make notes f-f-or... my scientific research.”
“oh, i can’t describe the obscene amounts of ketchup that can get into one skeleton’s body when he and his bro are determined to win an undernet war. it’s over, alphys. the greatest crack ship of them all is complete. sans x ketchup forever.”
“I’ll get you back for this, Sans. You haven’t seen the last of me.”
“you haven’t seen the last of us, either.”
“D–did you just forget who you’re even speaking to, Sans?”
Wait. That’s right.
“... shit.”
Papyrus snatches the phone from Sans. “WE’LL TAKE DOWN YOUR NEXT FAN PAGE BEFORE YOU EVER KNOW WHAT HIT IT!”
“paps!” Sans says. “you’re implying there will be a next time. there will not be a next time!”
“OH, RIGHT.” Papyrus corrects himself over the phone. “NO MORE FAN PAGING, ALPHYS! DON’T DO IT! THE GREAT PAPYRUS FORBIDS IT!”
The call ends.
Sans knows a losing battle when he sees one. He sighs with an air of great suffering, shuts the laptop monitor, and smashes his face against it.
“THAT WENT RATHER WELL, I THINK!”
Sans lifts his head and sees Papyrus standing before him, hands on hips, seeming awfully proud of himself.
“DON’T YOU AGREE?”
Sans whines with a disparaging moan before connecting his face with the surface of his laptop once more.