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He managed to walk quite far. Further - he’ll never admit it - than he’d thought he’d get. Eventually though, she finds him.
It’s that goddamned hill. Nothing he’d ever think twice about, before. Wouldn’t even disturb his breath, or quicken his heart rate. But in his current state, it is agony.
It’s not that his legs don’t work, it’s just that they don’t work well. There’s a difference, a margin there in which he could operate, ignoring his physical handicaps. Where he could pretend. It’s not that he can’t walk. It’s just that it takes him ten times longer to do it, wears him out a hundred times quicker, and hurts like nothing ever did before- especially his left leg, where his knee got busted by that titan while he saved Connie.
His eye was also a problem. Even the one that could still see didn’t do it as well as before, limiting his field of vision. His hands were shaky with two fingers missing, and all in all he was prone to tripping and falling, further aggravating his already broken body.
Ever since he exploded, he felt like a pile of mush all poured together inside a flesh suit. His insides, all melted down and jumbled together, merged and liquified under an ugly, scarred spread of skin. It was a feeble thing, he kept thinking, a delicate fucking sheet of paper holding all of him together. He’d wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, afraid there’s a needle on the floor. Afraid once he steps on it it’ll puncture through him and all that he is, for all its hideousness, will come spilling out.
Sometimes he wakes up wishing for that needle.
Today he’d simply had enough. He was tired of waiting, of being afraid, of staring at nothing trying so hard to memorise each line of each face he’s never going to see again. Tired of sitting in his chair, pretending like he can’t walk, because he should “let himself heal”. He never had that kind of luxury before, and he didn’t need it now. These types of pleasantries were a thread away from driving him insane.
And so, he was up the hill, or trying to be, when Mikasa found him. It was still early in the morning, and the air was cold enough to burn his throat while he gasped for it. His forehead was decorated with droplets of sweat, some occasionally sliding down along his face. In fact, he was so intensely focused on not face planting into the forest floor that he didn’t even hear her coming until she spoke.
“Captain”
He couldn’t understand why they still called him that. Not only Mikasa, but the rest of the kids, too. Even Gabi and Falco did it, occasionally, though he suspected the boy was starting to get a read on the reaction Levi was so desperately trying to stifle. He wasn’t anyone’s captain, not anymore. There was nothing in him to look up to, no authority. And Levi was never one for hierarchy and formalities, anyway. They know this, him. They must’ve also heard the old stories from his underground days. He couldn’t understand why they’d pick his wounds.
Then again, it probably wasn’t about him at all. Soldiers were creatures of habit, and they took what comfort they could get.
“How,” he stopped for longer than he’d intended, trying to catch his breath.
“You left a trail on the ground.”
“But how did you know I was gone?”
He looked at her, panting. She hesitated. “You’re not the only one who can’t sleep.”
That softens him a little, and she must know it, the little devil. All these kids, knowing him a little too well and prying out the weaknesses he’s trying so hard to keep vailed. Damn them. “That still… doesn’t explain how… you saw me leave.”
They eye each other. They were both less cold than they used to be, especially towards each other. The festering of fresher, shared pain softening the corners of their eyes. They both could tell when the other was lying.
“We’re watching over you. You… worry us, you know?”
Levi blinked at her. Worry…? His face twists in something ugly.
“You guys barely talk to me.”
Mikasa looks down. Shame, Levi is shocked to realise. “I know”
“Then what the f-“
“We care. We’re just hurting. And seeing you destroy yourself….“ she left the sentence unfinished, let it linger, so Levi can feel its weight.
“I don’t do that.”
“Yes, you do.”
“I don’t- we’re not doing this,” he said, sudden and desperate, and turned around. “Go back and tell the rest of them I’m fine. You don’t have to fucking… babysit me. You can leave. All of you can just leave.” He didn’t mean to sound so angry, to lace his words with so much venom. He didn’t know if he even was this angry to begin with.
He worked so hard for so long to ignore how alone he was, and it hurt to find out.
“Levi,”
That stopped him in his tracks. He chuckled, half crazed from exhaustion. There it is, he thought, drop the formalities. show me how you really feel.
“Like it or not, you’re injured. If you continue overworking yourself, you’ll get so hurt they won’t be able to ever fix you.”
Levi turned around. “Like you care-“
Mikasa rolled her eyes. “That’s ridiculous. Come back home.”
“Home?” He said, incredulously. “And where is that now, exactly?”
“With us.” She stated, and her black eyes were fire. “We can figure out somewhere better later, but for now-“
“You don’t have to figure out a better way to get rid of me later! I’m doing you all a favour by getting it done now, myself.” He spat, turned back around. “Just, leave me alone.”
“No.”
“No?” Once again Levi turned in his place- this time to the sound of footsteps walking towards him. “Mikasa, stand back-“
“I won’t,” she said, and her eyes were glistening with the same certainty as they did during the battle of heaven and earth, when she ordered Levi and the rest of them to follow her lead. “I won’t lose what’s left of my family. Not a single person more.”
“You’re being ridiculous,” he said, but when Mikasa didn’t show any sign of slowing down, he began to panic. “Stay away from me!”
“Fight me then.” She said, then attacked, quick as the wind itself. Almost as quick as Levi used to be.
He tried. That’s the worst part, he thinks. He really did try his best to fight back, but in his current pathetic condition she had him pinned to the ground in a couple of seconds. She sat over him, and he wanted to scream because she’d done it so gently, ever too careful not to hurt his legs. She trapped his wrists down close to his head as he trashed and turned, teeth bared.
“Fucking let go! Mikasa! I’m serious you little shit, let me go! You hearing me brat? Let go!”
It lasted for a while, but not too long. Not on behalf of Mikasa’s mercy, but rather, Levi’s own weakness. He trashed and twisted and tried to fight against her iron hold of his hands, and it was like fighting a mountain. Panting so hard he was afraid he’d lose consciousness, he remembered a similar event, from a lifetime ago. Mikasa holding him down, pinning him to a rooftop as he tries desperately to escape her. Then, he was weak from fighting the titans zeke sent to kill him, all alone, and also from chasing after the bastard. Mikasa still had to use all her strength to hold him still.
Now, she didn’t even break a sweat. All he did was try to climb a hill. He never even made it to the top.
He stopped pushing against her, fighting for air. His position beneath Mikasa was relentless. There was nowhere he could hide, he realised as his vision began to blur. He turned his face to the side as close to the grass as he could, his best attempt at escaping her gaze as tears began to gently run down his face.
“Why are you doing this to me?” He whispered.
“Because,” she whispered back, “I’m not losing anyone else, ever again. If you really think I don’t care, then that’s your problem. I’m not here to solve it for you. But I’m not-“ she held him down harder against the grass for a second, crushing his palms for emphasis, before quickly letting him go. She wiped the tears off his face with her fingers, gently, before helping him sit up. Then she hugged him.
“I’m not losing any more family. And I’m not leaving you alone because you’re not as strong, physically. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. I’m actually trying to keep you closer.”
Levi didn’t know what to say. This might’ve been one of the most loaded conversations they’ve ever had. Mikasa and him, they didn’t do feelings. They never talked about their shared Ackerman roots once they’ve found they had some. They’ve never talked about her initial hostility, or his bluntness. They were just similar enough in nature to signal each other that they care, without outright saying it.
So Levi let her hug him. And he hugged back. For once he thought that maybe, just maybe, healing was something he could try to do.