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“Fuck you, Alfred.”
“Piss and holler at me all you want dude, but you know you owe me!” Alfred grinned up at the tall Russian as he slid into the Uber, quickly checking for any notifications from his date. Ivan only frowned harder.
“C’mon, it won’t be so bad! Yao said Kiku’s really nice! Just a lil shy and needs to get out more. Boom! Some common ground for you already!”
Ivan rolled his eyes, unimpressed. He crossed his arms, refusing to get into the Uber. The driver looked annoyed, but one harsh look from Ivan made him avert his eyes and focus on the passing cars.
He snorted. “You’re only doing this for the chance of a one-night hookup.”
“Correct-o-mundo.”
“So why go through all of this work to please this… Yao?” Ivan raised a judgmental brow.
“Well for one thing, the dude’s hot as fuck,” Alfred answered almost immediately. “A bit on the older side, but he ages like fine wine lemme tell ya! Here I have some photos—”
“Nyet.” Ivan raised his palm before pinching the bridge of his nose. “I don’t want to see anything. Just… move over before I punch you in the throat.” He let out a long sigh.
“That’s the spirit!”
“If you end up ditching me mid-way through date to get laid, I will bash your skull in.”
“Hey, it could be a two-way streak if you and Kiku hit it off! You should be thanking me, Mr. Violent. Jesus! I might’ve just gotten you laid, you know. When’s the last time that happened?”
Ivan muttered something under his breath. This would be the last time he ever asked Alfred to do something for him. If this was the payment for distracting his sister for an hour while Ivan went out for drinks with his coworkers then Ivan would no longer be borrowing from this bank.
The car started moving. He got a notification on his phone.
It was from Alfred.
Ivan raised a brow and quickly opened the message, only to find it was an invitation to play beer pong. He turned to a grinning Alfred.
“Fuck off.”
“Yao-nii, I don’t think I want to do this anymore,” Kiku said, fidgeting with the sleeves of his tux as they waited outside of the restaurant. “Perhaps I could reschedule?”
Yao turned towards him, brushing his hair aside before picking off something from Kiku’s dark blue dress shirt. He laid a reassuring hand on his younger sibling’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
“You’ll be fine, Kiku. This will be good for you! You’ve been so hung up working on your new novel everyday for the past month. You need to rest your eyes. And eat more, I might add. You look so skinny!” Yao tutted.
Kiku let out a displeased sound. “You won’t ditch me mid-way through to go to a hotel, will you?”
Yao snorted. “Please. I have some class. We’re going to an Olive Garden.”
“Why did you even match with Alfred?” Kiku murmured. This wasn’t the first time he’d heard Yao openly admit to not being too interested in this American fellow he met online.
Kiku himself had never been too into the online dating scene, especially one so catered towards one-night-stands like here in America, but he knew that Yao must have been popular. His brother was very pretty, and with how fetishized Asians were nowadays, Yao could probably have any person he wanted with a bat of his eyelashes and the flick of a wrist.
“Well, for one thing, I noticed he looked pretty fun and he had some pretty handsome friends on his page.” Yao looked away. “… I figured if the two of us matched together, I might be able to set you up with one of them.”
Kiku raised his eyebrows, not sure whether to feel offended or flattered that his older brother would go to such lengths for him.
“It would be good,” Yao continued slowly. “For you to have someone to share your time with… I don’t want you to isolate yourself again, ok?”
Kiku smiled slowly, softly nudging his brother with his elbow. “Thank you, Yao.”
They waited a few more moments outside of the Olive Garden until a loud voice called to them from a distance.
“Woah! There they are,” it said. “Hurry your ass up, Ivan! On the double!” The two East Asian men turned to find two towering blondes quickly—well the one with glasses was anyway—headed their way.
Kiku and Yao looked at each other. Time for their date.
What was there to say about their dates? Ivan wondered as they stood outside of the Olive Garden.
Well for one thing, the both of them were quite easy on the eyes. He almost blushed taking in the appearance of their dates, thinking that amongst the multitude of catfishes and people with strange fetishes on the internet, Alfred did indeed hit the jackpot.
His eyes fixated on the one wearing a red silken dress shirt and sleek black slacks. While the man was undoubtedly handsome, Ivan would describe him more as beautiful. His rich brown hair was held in a loose ponytail with long side bangs that flowed in the breeze , and his narrowed eyes were a very pretty shade of light brown, ornamented with dark eyelashes.
He honestly couldn’t believe someone could be so pretty…
Oh? They were talking.
Oh. They were talking to him.
“So, Yao!” Alfred said to the beautiful man. Ivan looked away. “This is my good ol’ buddy, Ivan!”
Ivan’s eyes widened. This was Alfred’s date? He looked younger than the both of them!
The dude ages like fine wine!
“Hello, Ivan. It’s nice to meet one of Alfred’s friends, although I don’t believe he’s ever posted a photo of you on his page? Thank you for coming out tonight,” he said in accented English, peering up at him through long lashes.
“… Why are you thanking me?” He slowly asked.
Yao raised a brow and smiled, though it looked more like a smirk. He snorted. “You didn’t want to come, did you?”
Ivan’s cheeks reddened.
“Ha!” Alfred interjected. “Man, you wouldn’t believe it! He tried to convince me you were just a catfish, Yao! This guy would’ve just been happy at home in his underwear, jacking off—”
“Don’t be so crass, we’re in public,” Yao was tempted to interrupt but Ivan elbowed Alfred in the stomach before he could say another word.
“Ow! Hey!”
Yao smiled uneasily. There were already red flags going off in his mind about this date. There was still plenty of time for him and Kiku to go home and call it an evening, afterall. It wasn’t the end of the world if they called it quits now.
He turned towards his younger sibling, expecting some form of disgust, but Yao’s eyes widened when he saw that Kiku was quietly laughing into his fist.
He looked…happy? His eyes crinkled at the way Alfred attempted to fight back against his taller friend.
…
Oh!
Yao shook his head. “Ah! I’m so sorry, my manners! Ivan, Alfred. This is my younger brother, Kiku Honda,” he said.
“Hello,” Kiku said, his face becoming neutral again before he gave a formal bow. “It’s nice to meet the two of you.”
“Woah, so formal,” Alfred chirped, leaning closer. “It’s awesome to meet you too, Kiku. I’m Alfred! No offense—”
“—Alfred,” Ivan warned.
“—But you and Yao don’t really look too similar? And your last names are different?”
“Ah,” Kiku said casually. “Well, Yao-nii and I are actually step-siblings, but we were raised very close. My father married Yao’s mother when we lived in China for a little while, and our family eventually ended up moving to America.”
They began to move inside.
“Well… welcome to the US of A!” Alfred beamed at Kiku, holding the door open for their group.
Yao raised an eyebrow, stepping inside. “We’ve lived in this country for more than ten years,” he muttered, quite sure that Alfred didn’t actually hear him.
Kiku smiled anyway. “Thank you, Alfred.”
After a brief pout, Yao eventually smiled. Well it certainly was a bit of a shock to him that Kiku ended up liking Yao’s date, but he wasn’t going to complain. Not too much, at least.
He watched as the two of them walked up to the hostess together, overhearing their conversation on… a new game? TV series? When did that happen? Alfred’s mind really did run a mile a minute, and it shocked him how well Kiku was able to keep up.
“Ignore him,” Ivan whispered to his side, causing Yao to slightly jump. “Alfred has… the word vomit.”
“Ah,” Yao said, smiling. “So he has diarrhea mouth and you’re tongue-tied?”
“What?” Ivan answered nervously, his cheeks becoming red. “I am speaking to you right now!”
“I’m joking, I’m joking! You know, I love when Westerners get embarrassed,” Yao admitted in amusement. “Your cheeks become the cutest shade of red. It’s adorable.” Yao resisted the urge to reach a hand up and pinch Ivan’s cheeks! Despite his towering stature, Ivan was so cute!
Ivan frowned into his scarf, hating that his cheeks only became more red. Normally, he would threaten anyone that dared try talking to him like that, but it seemed that with Yao, he was coming up short.
“Who says I am from West? My family was born along Sino-Russo border on East.”
“Oh? Right across home, then! How long have you lived in America, Ivan?” Yao inquired.
“About 5 years,” Ivan answered, pulling out Yao’s chair for him to sit without thinking. “I moved to America with my sisters.”
“Ah, well that’s—”
“—Oh, crap!” Alfred suddenly called out like he remembered where he was. He moved his hands away from Kiku’s chair after he pulled it out. “I’m sorry, Yao. I should’ve gotten your chair. That’s my bad. Totally my bad.”
Yao looked at Kiku. Kiku looked at Yao. Yao raised an eyebrow and grinned. Kiku looked away, ears tinged with pink.
He smiled. “Hey Alfred?”
The American paused as he was about to sit down across from him. “Yeah? What’s up, Yao? Look, I’m sorry about the chair thing—”
“—No, no. I was just about to suggest something.”
Ivan and Alfred looked at each other before looking at Yao. Ivan paused before his seat across from Kiku and gave him a raised eyebrow.
“How about you swap chairs?”
Alfred’s eyes widened. “W-I mean, really? Why? Is everything ok?”
“Everything’s fine!” Yao assured. “I just don’t want to disturb your conversation on…”
“ The Last of Us,” Kiku answered quietly, fidgeting with his napkin. “I re-played the game last summer. It’s really good. Forgive me, I did not mean to shift the mood this much.”
Yao glanced over at Ivan, causing him to blush. He smiled. “It’s fine.”
Before Yao and Ivan knew it, Alfred was seated across from Kiku, his attention focused entirely on Yao’s flustered younger sibling.“Oh, yeah! So you said you started watching the show, Kiku? What’d ya think? They do a pretty damn good job, right?”
Ivan slowly pulled out the chair across from Yao. “I suppose you are stuck with me for evening then, da?”
Yao grinned, showing off his pearly whites. “I guess I am.”
“Yao’s never posted any pictures of you, but he’s posted tons of others with younger teens that looked related,” Alfred noted, slicing into his chicken parmigiana.
Yao glanced over at the two of them when he heard his name called, carefully taking a sip of water. He got his food awhile back, but the waiter kept messing up Ivan’s for some reason and Yao wanted to wait until he got his.
Alfred prayed for whoever was gonna feel Ivan’s wrath about that later. The dude looked like he was gonna murder someone.
Kiku blew into his minestrone. “Oh, those are Yao’s cousins, Mei and Leon. I’m… not too fond of having my photo taken and posted online.”
“Aw, why not?” Alfred asked, wiping stray tomato sauce from the side of his mouth. “I mean, you’re really handsome, so it’s not a looks thing, if that’s what you’re worried about. Oh, is it because of the weirdos online? I’ll bet it’s that, right? Or I mean—Oh. Sorry.”
Kiku tilted his head, confused. “Why are you sorry?”
Alfred looked down at his food. “I have a thing where I kind of talk too much. You can tell me if I’m talking too much, and I’ll shut up ok? I just kinda… forget where I am when I’m excited.”
“I like when you talk,” Kiku responded quietly.
Ivan—who had overheard as he waited for his meal— snorted at that, earning him a slap to the wrist from Yao.
“You… really? That doesn’t sound right LOL,” Alfred said flatly.
Kiku shook his head. “No, really. I like when you talk, Alfred. Your speech is very…”
“Annoying?”
“… Spirited,” he continued. “I’ve never spoken to someone like you before. I’m not the best conversationalist. It’s hard for me to verbalize and collect all of my thoughts. But you speak your mind in a way that… doesn’t make me worry if what I say is wrong. If that makes any sense.”
“Oh.” Alfred’s eyes softened. “That’s… thanks, Kiku. Man, you got me tearing up in an Olive Garden.”
“Please don’t cry. The waiter has not yet given us those napkins we asked for.” Kiku gave him a smile.
“Hopefully his American slanguage doesn’t rub off on you, though,” Ivan quietly mused next them, giving Alfred a knowing shove.
“So. Forgive me if this sounds weird,” Kiku began shyly.
“Nah! Even if it did sound weird, I wouldn’t care! What’s up?”
“… Do you watch anime?”
“Oh lord,” Yao and Ivan said at the same time.
Alfred basically jumped as his voice became louder. “Yes! Oh my god, dude, I watch lots of anime!”
“Inside voice, Alfred. Please,” Yao said, taking half of his order and placing it on Ivan’s plate. Ivan pouted, sending a glare the waiter’s way when he walked by.
“Oh. Sorry,” Alfred continued, at a normal level. “I prefer Shounen, but I can get down with psychological stuff. Just no horror, I can’t stand it.”
“Really? I like horror.”
Alfred looked betrayed. “You’re fucking with me. Really ?”
Kiku nodded with an amused smile. “Really. I more so like to read horror manga, but I do go back to a few shows when I have nothing better to watch.”
“Read?” He leaned in like he misheard. “You like reading them more?”
“Hai, I prefer to read them. It gives me time to pace myself and take things in slowly. Not just in a 24 minute timeframe.”
“Maybe you could recommend some of them?” Alfred asked, uncharacteristically bashful.
“Actually…” Kiku looked away before focusing on his unintentional date for the evening, ears red. “I can let you borrow some of my own. My favorite ones, I bought two copies of. One in Japanese and one translated to English.”
“Oh, dude, that’s sick! Thank you so much! Hey, and maybe we could watch something together too! I can’t stand horror, but maybe it’ll be less scary if I have someone with me!” Alfred’s eyes widened like he realized what he just said. He became shy again. “… I mean, if you want?”
“Yes,” Kiku said with a nod. “I would like that very much. I just have one question.” He took a sip of water.
“W-What’s up?”
“If you dislike horror so much, why do you play the Last of Us? That’s horror too, yes?”
“Oh! Well, y’see…”
“This is wrong order?” Ivan said, glaring at the young waiter who was ogling Yao again. If looks could kill, this Rob would surely be dead.
“Oh, yeah and we have a great dessert menu!” Rob the waiter continued, nonchalantly leaning on the table to talk to Yao. “I could give you some recommendations if you want…?”
Ivan glowered. Yao was Alfred-turned Ivan’s date! Meaning that he was his for tonight! Not this Rob’s. He was about to get up from this chair and make a scene before Yao laid a hand over his own and gave it a squeeze. He almost jumped at the contact.
“Actually… Rob,” Yao continued slowly. “My boyfriend here ordered something about 15 minutes ago? Would you be able to check on that?”
“O-oh,” Rob the waiter deflated. “Yeah! I mean, yeah sure. I’ll be back with that.” He turned towards Ivan, noticeably huffy.
“… Sorry,” he muttered.
Ivan only gave him a pleased look, sending him a way with a wave of his hand.
“What a little prick,” Yao said, laughing into his hand.
Ivan snorted, quietly laughing along. “He really wanted you to try that dessert, da?”
“Right? Dessert! You haven’t even gotten your meal! I take it you aren’t tipping?”
“Fuck no. He’s lucky you stopped me from making a scene.”
“Well, you can always just fill up on the breadsticks here. They’re unlimited,” Yao said with exaggerated happiness. “Honestly it’s no wonder the people in this country tend to get so rotund…”
A few moments later, Rob the waiter was back, quickly and quietly depositing Ivan’s order in front of him. Unhappily, he asked if Ivan wanted cheese on his.
Smiling a devilishly calm smile, Ivan boldly reached over the table and clasped Yao’s hand, giving it a loving squeeze. Yao briefly raised a brow at him in amusement but made no moves to pull his hand away.
“Nyet,” Ivan said, still smiling. “Thank you, Ron.”
Rob the waiter muttered something under his breath before going to check on his other tables.
Ivan gave a satisfactory smile as he watched Rob’s form disappear into the kitchen. Serves him right!
“You can let go of my hand now.”
Ivan’s smile vanished as his eyes widened. He pulled his hand away, cheeks becoming red as he muttered a quiet ‘sorry’ to Yao, who only looked more amused with each passing second.
“Aw, what happened to Mr. Scary Russian bear from earlier?”
Ivan pouted, stabbing a fork into his pasta. “I can’t hear you. I’m too busy focusing on my meal. Actually. Would you like to try?”
“That had the shrimp, right?”
“Da.”
“Hand some over, please. I didn’t want to order seafood because I didn’t quite trust Olive Garden, but it looks better than I expected it would.”
Ivan quickly shoveled a portion of his order onto Yao’s plate, returning the favor when Yao split his order with Ivan. Normally, he wasn’t privy to sharing, but again, with Yao, it seemed he’d make an exception.
“Alfred has fondness for this place,” he commented, setting his plate back down.
“Thank you,” Yao said. The two of them looked over to Kiku and Alfred, who were in their own little world talking about whatever. Zombies? Parasites? Ice cream…?
“Why? For the shitty waiters?”
Ivan snorted, flashing Yao a smile with his eyes. “For unlimited breadsticks.”
They both shared a laugh.
So. The date was over. And they made it the whole night without someone bailing through the window or anyone dying (Ivan killing anyone to be more specific, though their waiter came close), so that was a win!
Did Alfred feel like an asshole for kind of ditching Yao? Yes. Did he regret it?
… Nah, not really.
First of all, it didn’t seem like Yao cared in the slightest and from what he could see, he had Ivan—the scary towering Russian that scared away half of the people that Alfred introduced him to—wrapped around his pretty little finger.
Second of all, Kiku was fucking fantastic! The dude had the patience of Buddha or something because he didn’t tell Alfred to shut the fuck up at least once during their date, even when Yao and Ivan gave him a look when their waiter arrived with the bill. He knew he had a tendency to talk too much and go on long tangents, but it was sort of magical how Kiku was able to draw his mind back to things without snapping at him.
While Kiku was way quieter than Yao, he was introspective and kind and actually liked a lot of the same things Alfred did. Honestly, Alfred was itching to get his number so they could go out for laser tag or go to a theme park or something!
He even forgot about the whole one-night-stand thing because he liked talking to Kiku that much. Was that bad?
… Nah.
He watched as Yao and Kiku walked up ahead, having a private conversation of their own, before he gave Ivan a nudge to the side.
“You stole my date,” he moaned dramatically.
Ivan snorted. “If anything, you stole mine.”
“You barely talked to Kiku all night!”
“Because you two were in own little world, speaking about zombies and cartoons.”
Alfred huffed. “It’s called anime, and I know you’ve watched some before you fake-ass bitch. Besides, it sure looked to me like you enjoyed chatting with Yao.” He shifted into an exaggerated Russian accent. “I take care of bill, Yao. You are much too pretty to pay for anything, da! You’re so whipped dude, and it’s only been one date.”
“Stop or I’ll break your—”
“—Ivan?” Yao called him.
“Yes, Yao?” Ivan replied in a light voice, all the traces of malice disappearing from his voice. Alfred made a whip crack sound next to him.
“Did you and Alfred want to get ice cream with us?”
“Yes!” Alfred answered for both of them. “Let’s get ice cream!”
He rushed to the front, taking hold of Kiku’s hand without really thinking. Kiku smiled at the somewhat unexpected, paying attention Alfred gestured around the shops along the street.
“I know some totally rock out spots in the next part of the city. Do you have a favorite ice cream flavor, Kiku? This one I’m thinking of has flavors like ube and Thai ice tea and durian!”
“Hai. I enjoy mint or occasionally matcha. Although I would like to try the durian one if it’s there. What about you, Alfred?”
“Oh, man! Where do I start? Uh. Hang on, I’ll try to keep it short…”
Kiku caught Alfred’s attention with an look and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.
“Say whatever it is you want to say, Alfred.”
Alfred grinned, lightly swinging their hands together with a flush on his cheeks. “Well, for one thing, I actually really like plain strawberry ice cream! Like it’s so iconic in the Neapolitan trio. And another thing…”
Yao slowed to walk alongside Ivan. Truth be told, he was actually lactose sensitive and probably wouldn’t get any ice cream, but Kiku just looked so happy to spend more time with Alfred.
And well… he’d be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy Ivan’s company.
“So?” Ivan spoke up next to him. “Ice cream?”
Yao nodded. “Ice cream. I probably won’t get anything, but look at Kiku! He just looks so happy.”
“Da, he does,” Ivan agreed with a nod, voice somewhat faraway. He was unsure whether to grab Yao’s hand or not as he looked ahead to find Alfred and Kiku interlocking their fingers together and swinging their arms. “Um…”
Yao followed his eyes to where Ivan was looking and smiled in realization. “Can I see your hand?” He asked enigmatically.
Ivan gave him a bewildered look, but reached it out for Yao to see anyway. “I’ll give you a free reading. Look at your palm. These,” he pointed, running a finger down soft skin. “are your life lines. You have multiple life lines, meaning that you’re full of life and vitality.”
Yao gave a small humming sound as he shifted the palm up to see better. “… But the main one I can notice has a smaller arc and is closer to the thumb. See? Right there. That means that despite having multiple life lines, you’re actually one to get easily exhausted.”
Ivan nodded along, not quite sure what any of this meant, but took Yao’s word for law. He shivered at how Yao’s finger caressed his skin.
“A-ah,” he almost moaned. “I see. W-what else?”
Yao continued, smirking. “Mmm… ah! Your heart line! See how long it is? It starts from your index all the way to your pinky. Despite how terrifying you are to waiters, you’re probably sweet and romantic deep down.”
Ivan snorted. “Is that so?”
“If what I’m holding is your dominant hand, then this predicts a happy love experience. Interesting right?”
“R-right,” Ivan nodded, noticing with flushed cheeks how their hands were still touching. “Who taught you this? A fortune-teller? A magician?”
Yao giggled to himself in amusement. “No, an article on Chinahighlights.com.”
Ivan gave him a flat look. “You really read those sorts of things there?”
Yao grinned. “I do. They’re really good for making people hold your hand when they’re too shy to reach for it.” He clasped their fingers together and brought their arms down to lightly swing their interlocked hands. “See?”
“Ah,” Ivan said with rapidly red-turning cheeks. “I see.”
“Now let’s catch up with Alfred and Kiku before they leave us in the dust!”
Needless to say, all parties went home that night more than satisfied with their dates and the new numbers inputted into their phones.