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Joel is pretty sure that Clementine doesn’t really trust him. Sometimes she’ll look at him and he can see she wants to say something, can feel it hanging heavy in the air between them, but after a couple of seconds that specific look will fade from her face and she’ll babble on about something else that he guesses she doesn’t really care about either. In those moments, he wonders what else was on her tape. What did she hear herself say that now causes her to hold back, to guard herself against him behind a facade of superfluous chatter?
They’ve promised each other not to listen to the tapes ever again. Clementine says she threw hers out when she got home, she didn’t even get to the end of it. Joel occasionally wonders if she’s telling the truth. She’s never asked him to throw his out, and he hasn’t. It’s neatly hidden away at the bottom of a drawer in his too-small-to-actually-be-a-bedroom-so-I-guess-it’s-an-office that is basically one big overgrown closet.
But every now and then, his curiosity will be so strong, itching inside him and making him drum his fingers impatiently on the kitchen counter while he waits for the coffee to brew in the morning. Whenever Clementine has made some offhanded comment that hit a bit too close to home, he wonders what else Before-Joel had to say about their relationship – or, more accurately, about Clementine.
That morning, as he listened to his own angry voice reverberating through the apartment, he did notice a distinct lack of reflections on his own behaviour or even them as a couple. Clementine is this, Clementine is that. She’s uneducated (god, you’re such a snob, Joel, he chastises himself), insecure, supposedly promiscuous. He’s questioning that last one, though, because it’s been two weeks and they’ve done nothing more than kiss a bit and cuddle sometimes.
At least Clementine had the self-awareness to consider how their relationship had affected and supposedly changed her. Unfortunately, it was for the worse, if her tape was to be believed. It all happened so quickly, but Joel will remember those words until the day he dies, he thinks. Knowing that you have made someone dislike themselves just by being in their life isn’t the kind of thing you just forget.
When the itch gets too bad, he’ll open that junk drawer and just look at the tape, nestled in with some discarded art supplies, some rubber bands, old receipts and what have you. He won’t touch it, though, because that’s one step too close to picking it up. To walking it into the living room. To putting it in the stereo. So he’ll just look at it, his name neatly written across the label, and remember that he made a promise, and he is trying to do things differently this time around. He’s not going to sabotage their second chance.
Today, he quietly closes the drawer again and walks back into the living room, stopping to pour them a cup of coffee each as he passes through the kitchen.
“Rise and shine!” He tries to sound cheery, probably obvious in his overcompensation. Clementine’s not stupid – she’s actually annoyingly astute when it comes to his emotions, another trait he finds himself bristling against even though it should be a good thing.
“’Morning”, she yawns, rubbing her eyes as she sits up, her hair honestly looking like a mess. It’s still blue, pretty much, but the colour is fading into an almost teal shade that doesn’t look great with her natural roots. Still, he reaches out and tugs a curl behind her ear with a soft smile. She suddenly looks very awake, watching him with surprising intensity, as if she’s taken aback by such a casual display of closeness from him.
Joel withdraws his hand, mumbling an apology and staring into his coffee. Clementine doesn’t say anything, but he feels her moving in the bed, and suddenly her hand is on his, cupping the warm mug. When he looks up, her face is soft again, and he’s reminded of just how very pretty she is.
“Hey,” she just says, almost smirking at him but in a kind way. Like he’s in on some joke with her.
“Hey.” And then she kisses him, chaste and closed-mouthed, maybe to save him from her morning breath, but he thinks it’s one of the best kisses they’ve ever shared.
Today isn’t going to be the day where Joel gets in his own way. He tells himself he’s going to throw the tape out later, maybe even destroy it with Clementine in a dramatic demonstration of commitment. Either way, he is not Before-Joel anymore, and he won’t make the same mistake twice.