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“Whaddaya mean, ‘exchange program’? Where’s Taro?”
Kaito neatly stepped out of the path of Haruka’s accusatory finger, putting the café counter between them. “It’s been organised with the admins of another world. My counterparts, if you like. The hope is this will deepen your understanding of the various forms of heroism. Momoi Taro’s style is rather…specific, after all.”
“That’s the gist of it.” A sharply-dressed man, hair swept at an angle over mischievous eyes, pushed through the curtain leading to the back-rooms and slipped past them, lounging across the first chair he found. “Ukiyo Ace. You’ll be my ‘companions’, I gather. Serve me well, won’t you?”
Haruka tossed the tray she’d been carrying over her shoulder, Kaito dodging under it without looking up from the glass he was polishing. “Where do you get off, leading with that?” she fumed, marching up to the new arrival.
“Now, now…!” Abandoning his flimsy hiding-place behind an oversized newspaper, Saruhara sprang across the café and positioned himself between them, forcing a smile. “Let’s, ah…let’s put our best foot forward and make the best of this!”
“This one has the right attitude,” Ace said, kicking his feet up on the table. “It seems this world can grant wishes, not unlike the one I come from. I’ll need you all to get in line if I’m to have mine granted.”
“Wish…?” Haruka, simmering down a little, glanced back to Kaito. “With the points? I don’t remember ever seeing any for Taro.”
“Momoi Taro exists to bring others happiness,” he explained. “He has no need for such things. Ukiyo Ace, however, is as free to dream as the rest of you.”
“Well said.” Ace smirked. “And right now, I’m wishing for a good cup of coffee. And I do mean good. Be a dear couple of subordinates and sort that out, will you?”
“Exchange program…?” Neon’s head tilted. “I guess I get it, but anyone can be chosen for the DGP, right? Who would the admins have to go out of their way to get?”
“More relevant to you all,” Tsumuri said, brushing past this and stepping into the middle of the platform, “due to a…certain stipulation, this round in Ukiyo Ace’s absence cannot be counted as a regular DGP, so consider it a sort of…bonus DGP! We’ll still be crowning a Desire God, but even if you miss out, you’ll automatically get to enter the next regular round!”
“That’s pretty generous,” Keiwa said, looking around to see if his fellow Riders shared his optimistic mood. Usually the answer to that was a resounding No, but this time even Michinaga looked happy with the news.
“Twice the chances to crush this place,” he said with a grin, pounding a fist into his other hand. “I can’t wait to see Geats’ face when he gets back from his stupid field trip to see this whole thing dismantled.”
Hallelujah let out a chuckle, overacting an attempt to cover it with his hand. “You’ve got a fixation, man.”
Neon weaved around them as Michinaga snapped back, focusing on Tsumuri. “What I wanna know is, where’s this replacement supposed to be if he’s so important?”
“Oh, he already went on ahead and got started,” she said with a content nod, before freezing up.
“Got started…on?”
“...oh…right…um…” Tsumuri winced, feeling four glares burrowing into her. “...also…the Jamato…have appeared?”
“What the hell is this?” Buffa gave a twitching Jamato corpse a frustrated kick. “Everywhere we’ve been, they’re already taken care of.”
“It’s definitely weird…” Tycoon agreed, hopping up onto a lamp-post to get a clear view down the highway. “Doesn’t look like anyone else is in danger around here, at least.”
“And we’re still all on zero…” Na-Go said. “This replacement…must be something else, right?”
“I mean, that’s a bit much…” Keiwa swung an arm towards the trail of defeated monsters, stretching as far as they could see. “Even Ace couldn’t do something like this alone.”
Punkjack finally caught up at his relaxed swagger. “Maybe there’s just a bunch of new entrants? Last round started with dozens.”
Neon nodded. “Yeah…yeah, that’s probably it.”
“If you’re done babbling, I’ve found our prey.” Buffa’s chainsaw jabbed toward a crack in the tarmac; even as he pointed, it tore open wider under the grip of the vines sprouting from beneath. Jamato sprouted from it like fruit, uncurling and seizing weapons as they stood.
He hefted his own. “If the new guy isn’t gonna show, I’ll take them all–”
“WAHAHAHA!”
The laugh was so abrupt, so loud and so discordant he tripped over the first step in his charge, the other Riders cringing as he hit the road face-first. They turned as the noise rose behind them–not just the awful laughter, but rhythmic footsteps and triumphant music. And the spectacle it accompanied…
Kamen Rider Geats sat enthroned atop a swaying palanquin, fanning himself amid a shower of confetti, trailed by rows of prancing shrine-attendants.
The booming, discordant voice was definitely not Ace’s. “A NEW WORLD, A NEW PARADISE! LAUGH, LAUGH! BRACE YOURSELVES, MY COMPANIONS! THE FESTIVAL BEGINS!”
They dived for cover as he revved up the Boostriker, tearing past them and into the final crowd of Jamato. He swerved a hard turn into a halt and threw out a great gout of fire from the exhaust to incinerate the front row, somersaulting off and spraying the rest with relentless rifle fire. “ A victorious peach.”
MOMOTARO VICTORY
By the time the other Riders had caught up, Geats was the only one left amid a flickering blaze, the used-up Boost buckle flying off into open air.
“That’s…a bit much, man…” Hallelujah mumbled.
“So you’re the exchange,” Michinaga growled. “I guess whoever puts that suit on is destined to piss me off, huh?”
“Come on, now!” Geats shook his head. “You should at least be good enough to follow in my wake, companions! Looks like you need…MORE TRAINING!” A sudden leaping kick took Buffa back off his feet, a storm of rifle-shots chasing the other three back down the highway. “LET’S ENJOY OURSELVES! HAHAHA!”
“What the hell was that?” Michinaga grabbed at Momoi Taro’s shirt as he approached the platform, but was casually deflected by a clipboard.
“I told you. Training.” Taro brushed past him, fixing the other three with an eerie smile. “You can dodge my shots at least. Looks like we’ve made a bond.”
“You call that a bond?” Neon asked, backing away a little.
“Even a moment’s meeting forms a bond,” Taro explained, turning to Tsumuri. “They’re rough companions, but I’ll whip them into shape. I’ll save the world for you just fine.”
“What’s with this ‘companions’ crap?” Michinaga followed around to cut him off. “We’re your competitors , and I’m the one that’s gonna beat you. Get that through your head, all right?”
Taro didn’t blink as he got closer. “No-one in this world or any other can defeat me. But you’re welcome to try. That’ll make good training too.” He glanced at his watch. “Gotta go. Work.”
With that he left, not even waiting to hear the announcement.
“Um…as I was going to remind everyone,” Tsumuri said after an expectant cough, “this is a bonus round of the DGP. There will be several waves of Jamato at different locations, building a running tally of points, and whoever has the most at the end will have their wish! As long as you’re not defeated in battle, you won’t be eliminated!”
“Still, with that guy in play…” Keiwa scratched at the back of his neck.
“Oh yeah, you guys are screwed!” Hallelujah seemed unfazed by the prospect, settling down to tune his guitar.
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” Neon pointed him to the scoreboard now appearing overhead, where despite the four of them being on zero points, Geats was barely ahead at all.
“Huh? But he was like a one-man army…”
Tsumuri stifled a laugh. “Momoi Taro received thousands of points for defeating an entire wave of Jamato…and then immediately lost most of them for over a hundred instances of friendly fire. Fight hard, Kamen Riders!”
“Inuzuka Tsubasa?”
Inuzuka froze up as his way out of the alley was cut off by an unfamiliar figure.
“You’re like an amateur at this fugitive thing, you know,” he tutted. “It wasn’t hard to figure out your usual haunts from all the sightings.”
“You a plainclothes cop?” Inuzuka asked, putting his fists up. “Or a bounty hunter, or what?”
“My name is Ukiyo Ace. But you might know me better by my other name–Don Momotaro.”
“Don…Momotaro?” After all this time, I’ve found you. Although…he wasn’t acting anything like the brutish ‘leader’ Inuzuka had known so far. He must get more aggressive when he transforms…I guess? “How’d you find out who I am?”
“The Donbrothers have experienced ‘misfortune’, I’m told,” Ace explained, checking for a clean spot on the wall before leaning against it. “One missing member, and everyone’s talking about the wild dog on the run, who claims innocence…” He smiled. “It was worth a shot.”
“So, what do you want? I’m busy.”
“So I see. I’m hoping you’ll be a little more of a team player if we get to know each other a little. Shall we test that?” Ace checked a timer on his phone. “We should be getting a summons about…now.”
“What? How–” Inuzuka was cut off by the DonBlasters materialising before them.
Ace winked. “Duty calls.”
DRIFTING ON DOWN!
They appeared amid a scene of chaos in motion; a Hitotsuki was rampaging down the street, shooting fireballs in all directions and sending people fleeing while the other three Donbrothers chased after it in a panic.
“What energetic team-mates I’ve got,” said Don Momotaro, sitting down at a table outside a nearby café and leaning forward to stir a cup of coffee someone had abandoned untouched as they ran.
“What th–” InuBrother span between the roaring monster and his uncaring leader. “Aren’t you gonna fight it?”
“If I defeat it too quickly, my real targets might not show up,” he said, a cream-heavy sip somehow vanishing as he held it up to his helmet. “But feel free to follow your conscience.”
He’s acting weird today… “Ugh, whatever!” Inuzuka scampered off to join the fight, spraying bullets at the ground in front of the Hitotsuki to slow it down, letting OniSister catch up.
“Oh, there’s the doggie!” She made a heavy swing with her club, the monster just barely blocking two-handed, her momentum shoving it right back into the wall. “You okay, boy? You’re usually here first!”
“Don’t treat me like a dog, damn it–”
“Guys, look out!” KijiBrother squawked, bringing their attention back to the Hitotsuki, whose whole body had started to glow white-hot.
“Give it back…GIVE IT BACK!” it bellowed, a wave of fire erupting in all directions and tossing the Donbrothers back down the street. Haruka flew directly across it, landing through a table next to the one Don Momotaro still sat drinking at.
“Are you seriously just gonna sit there?” she griped, untangling herself from the plastic debris.
“I’ve already done my part,” he said, finally setting his cup down. “There weren’t any Hitotsuki around, so I thought I’d make one. That man’s a banker I got to dump his fortune into worthless investments. He seems pretty torn up about it.”
“Wha–why would you do that?”
“I was rather impatient to meet…ah, them.” He turned to look over his shoulder as the Nouto trio entered through one of their secret doors. “Good. You come when called.”
“So this is the new Don Momotaro…” Sonoi addressed his comrades. “Please allow me to test this one. I leave the others to you.”
“Fine by me.” Sononi ran off to join the renewed melee, while Sonoza leapt at Haruka, chasing her away from the two that remained by the café.
Sonoi levelled his sword. “Face me.”
“Well, since you’re so eager…” Ace stood, raising his gun–and as soon as Sonoi ducked under his first shot he jumped backward, using the table as a springboard to land behind Sonoza, delivering a hard slash across his back while he was focused on Haruka.
“You seem to have the least refined technique,” he said. “Taking you out should be the quickest way of reducing the enemy’s strength.”
“Have you no honour?” Sonoi leapt after him with a heavy swing, and he hit the floor to avoid it, firing at them both to cover his backwards roll to safety.
“It just seems like the Donbrothers’ job would be easier without you around…” Ace rose into a half-crouch, sword at the ready, still set on Sonoza.
MO~MOTARO SLASH! MOMOTARO SLASH!
Editor…! Thinking quickly, Haruka bolted over towards the ongoing brawl. “Prof! Leg up! Now!”
“Huh? Why–ah, sure?” Seeing that she wasn’t slowing down, SaruBrother quickly bent to give her a boost into the air, his bulky arms carrying her in a somersault right over Sononi’s head. Only slightly dizzy as she landed, she gave a great two-handed baseball swing, her club smashing the Hitotsuki back up the street and right into Ace’s path as he charged, the monster taking the finisher in Sonoza’s place.
FINAL BLOW! MOMOTARO SLASH!
The banker Ace had duped dropped to the ground, dazed and confused. Still picking himself up, Sonoza traced the man’s path back through the air to the Donbrothers. “Kitou Haruka…”
Sonoi laid a hand on his shoulder. “We’re withdrawing. Now.”
“Well, that’s interesting.” Ace tapped the hilt of his sword against his helmet, miming kissing it. “It’ll do for a first outing, though.”
“Unacceptable!” Sonoi was pacing furiously up and down the Nouto headquarters. “Completely unacceptable! I resolved to try and acclimatise, but I absolutely cannot accept this man as Don Momotaro! I cannot work with him!”
“You mean ‘work against him’,” Sononi said, running scans on the console.
“Yes. That’s what I said.”
“Ah, who cares?” Sonoza slumped in the corner, arms folded in a huff. “Let’s just take him out!”
Sonoi shook his head. “He orchestrated that entire battle. He would never accept a challenge to a proper duel. Not like that man…”
“You’re reading too much into this,” Sononi said, still not looking around.
“Say what you will! I refuse to accept him as a rival! This cannot continue!”
"In the final wave of our special round, you'll be paired up to defend a flag the Jamato are trying to capture. You're still competing with your partner for the highest score, but if your flag is captured, you're both 'out', and can no longer score points! And after drawing lots, it looks like the pairs will be…
"Na-go with Tycoon, and Buffa with Geats! To make up the numbers, Punkjack will be paired with a staff Rider–but since you've spent time as one, connecting shouldn't be a problem for you, right?
"Good luck out there, Kamen Riders!"
Michinaga's teeth ground together as another wave of Jamato fell to Momoi Taro's sharpshooting before he could even get close. Reaching his limit, he stormed up the hill their flag was planted on and grabbed his partner by the collar of his breastplate.
"Listen, Geats. Sooner or later you're going to realise this isn't a single-player game."
"Get off. I'm fighting."
"I said listen! You should take your rivals more seriously." Michinaga leaned closer. "Just so you know, my wish is for the power to destroy all Riders. That includes you now. So you better–"
"I DON'T CARE!" Taro barked, planting a foot in his stomach and hurling him back through the air, heedless of yet another penalty announcement.
"You…agh…son of a bitch…" Michinaga scrambled for purchase in the dirt, sliding down the hill. "What are you even wishing for?"
"Wishes aren't fitting for me," Taro said. "I'm just here to save your world. But, since they asked…'a world where I can make oden'."
"Oden…?" By the time Michinaga had found his footing, his antagonist had already headed off for the next group of enemies coming for their flag. He swung his chainsaw wide with a thwarted snarl, carving through a stray Jamato that had been trying to sneak around. "More worthless desires…"
"It infuriates you," came a voice from the treeline behind. "Not knowing how to approach him."
"Huh?" He faced the approaching figure. "Who are you?"
"More importantly…do you want to set this right?" Something gleamed red in the man's hand.
Ace looked up from his book. “Have I done something to offend?” Haruka, Saruhara and Kijino crowded around his beach chair, blocking out the sunlight he’d been soaking up.
“That was hardly what I’d call ‘inspiring leadership’,” Saruhara tutted. “Had you let us in on your plan, we could’ve found easier ways to draw out the Nouto.”
“And using that man was just unnecessary!” Kijino butted in. “What’s heroic about that?”
“I mean, he had plenty of money to lose, so it’s probably whatever,” Haruka said, ruining their unified huff somewhat.
“And yet you still seem upset.” Ace set down his book, but only to start applying sunscreen as if they weren’t there. “If not my decoy…perhaps you don’t want me to defeat our enemies? Something to share?”
Haruka fumed, but turned away. “...pass.”
“Suit yourself.” Ace rose to his feet and brushed past them in a single silken motion. “But if you’re going to withhold information from me…” He gave them a quick look back, miming a fox’s head with his fingers. “I believe I’ll keep on returning the favour. All warfare is based on deception , right?”
They stared morosely after him as he made his way down towards the water, and for once it felt appropriate when Saruhara opened his mouth to say–
“And now, a haiku:
“Three fast companions
Against their leader arrayed
All of them outfoxed.”
"COME ON, COME ON!" Taro swayed under a Jamato Rider's swing, jamming his rifle up under its chin and blasting it into oblivion. "LET'S ENJOY THE FESTIVAL!"
"This stupid party of yours is over."
"Hm?" He looked up to see Buffa at the top of the hill, shoving a second Buckle into his belt.
ZOMBIE & BOOST
READY
FIGHT
Taro kicked a discarded Jamato sword from the ground up into his hand just in time, blocking the chainsaw an inch from his head as Michinaga soared down the hill on Boost's jets to attack him.
"You don't care about your points?" Taro asked.
"Hasn't stopped you."
"INTERESTING!" Taro shoved him back, throwing the borrowed sword to get distance and bring his rifle to bear. Michinaga charged heedless through his shots with a battle-cry, swinging a flurry of jet-boosted kicks his way. Taro paced backwards to avoid them, twitching just slightly left or right to stay ahead each time.
In furious desperation, when his next heel-kick swung fruitlessly into the ground Michinaga put his whole body-weight into the follow-up, bringing Zombie's weapon around again with all the force he could muster. But a quick Magnum shot knocked his aim aside and left him over-extended, Geats sweeping his leg and stamping him down into the ground.
"I give you…20 POINTS!" Taro declared. "You've got no right to be challenging me if that's the best you can do."
"Actually…" Michinaga choked out. "You've already lost."
"Hm?" Taro followed his line of sight up the hill–where, while he'd been distracted, a troop of Jamato has made it up and was brandishing the flag with jubilant cries. He lowered his gun. "Getting us both eliminated?"
"If the others have finished their waves…" From where he lay, Michinaga raised his head toward the sky, looking for the holographic announcement–
MISSION CLEAR
"I just don't get why you'd do that." Keiwa crouched down next to where Michinaga was slumped, trying to offer an icepack for his bruises but getting slapped away. "I mean–hey!–even with Ace, as much as he annoys you you wouldn't throw away your own chance of winning to fight him."
"Just shut up and watch."
"Attention, everyone! We will now announce the results!" Tsumuri brought up a blank leaderboard, names slotting into place as she spoke. "In last place, due to a string of friendly fire penalties, Geats and Buffa! Na-Go, Punkjack and Tycoon all did respectably, but far and away our top scorer…"
The silent, faceless staff Rider that had been Hallelujah's partner pushed him aside, stepping forward.
"...Kamen Rider Naba is our bonus Desire God!" She leaned over to them, trying to poke the ears on their rabbit-themed helmet but getting waved away.
"Hang on, hang on!" Hallelujah followed them to the centre of the platform. "What is this? The staff guy can win?"
"You're one to talk," Tsumuri said coldly. "If you must know, Naba was a last-minute substitute for our actual staffer–an entrant who wished to remain anonymous."
He turned away, sighing. "I admit, they were pretty amazing out there. Downright fighting machine. Well, tough guy? Wanna take off the mask and enjoy your prize?"
"First, please grant my ideal world."
"As you wish." Tsumuri crossed the platform toward Taro. "I'm sorry, but this is where your Desire Grand Prix ends."
Taro fixed Naba with a wry look. "That kind of wish, huh? Seems a lot of people have it out for me in this world." He received no reply. "Well, whatever. I hope you all learned from this. If you go and lose now, you're disgracing my training."
"I still don't see how this is training…" Keiwa said, but Taro was already vanishing into a hazy red silhouette, which flashed for a moment, replacing him with Ukiyo Ace.
"More coffee–oh." He took in his surroundings. "Well, now. Who do I have to thank for this?"
"Gratitude is not required. This was the only path left to me." Naba's Rider suit faded, revealing its flamboyantly-dressed occupant, Desire Card held aloft:
' A world in which Don Momotaro is Momoi Taro, now and forevermore.
–Sonoi'
"Just so you know, it makes no difference to me," Ace said, making his way across to the couch where Michinaga lay groaning. "That world or this one, I'll get my wish granted. So if you were trying to spite me, you could do a lot better.
"Unless…you just couldn't bear being without me? I've picked up a new fan?"
"Jump up your own ass," Michinaga grunted. "You're assuming I planned this. Not everything's about you. I just couldn't stand that guy."
Ace crouched, bringing them to eye level. "Just like you can't stand me?"
"I…" Michinaga's eyes narrowed, considering his words. "I won't let you get away that easy. When I win, you're gonna be there to see it. Okay?"
Ace grinned. "I look forward to it."
"C'mon, say thanks!" Haruka whispered, nudging Taro across the café towards Sonoi. "He did all that for you!"
"I still can't believe you told her," Sonoi muttered, glaring daggers at Sonoza, who just shrugged and looked away. The stand-off continued; Taro and Sonoi with arms folded, staring without blinking.
"Come on, say something," Sononi hissed. "You can't let this moment slip past you!"
"Are you certain?"
"Every human I've asked about love has been in agreement: you have to tell him how you feel!"
"I see…" Sonoi drew himself up. "Momoi…Taro."
"Yeah?"
"The…" Sonoi felt a flutter rising, but pushed it down. "The time has come…"
Taro gulped. Sonoi…
"...for us to settle things. Meet me at the waterfront at sundown. This will be our final battle."
"Seriously?" Haruka all but hurled herself to the floor. "Can you two just kiss already and put us all out of our misery?"
"Sounds good, Sonoi!" Taro said, the edge of his mouth curling upwards. "I'll win, of course."
"We shall see." Sonoi swept out of the room, his comrades haranguing him as they trailed after.
"Honestly." Saruhara had retreated back to his hiding-spot in the corner, and only now poked his head out. "How many 'final battles' does this make now?"
Taro laid a hand on Haruka's shoulder. "Thank you. If you hadn't asked me to confront him, this might not have happened." A spring in his step, he strode out onto the street.
"Come on …" she groaned, fully sprawled over a table. "You're supposed to take him out, not…take him out !"
Kaito surfaced from behind the counter. "I’m not sure there’s a material difference, in this case."
Haruka lifted her head. "Hey, boss, wasn't this whole thing supposed to be educational?"
A clattering came from the alley, heralding Inuzuka Tsubasa darting in and hurling himself into a seat. “Ahh, I give up! I thought I’d finally figured something out, but…no matter where I research, Ukiyo Ace doesn’t exist! It’s like there’s no such person in the entire world!”
“Bring Mr. Inuzuka his usual, would you?” Kaito bent over to check the register, but Haruka caught the trace of a smirk. "But to answer your question, yes. I learned a great deal."