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“So what’s got your panties in a twist?” Yozak asks, eyeing Conrart from across the small table they’re seated at in the bar. “You’ve been acting mopey all night. Trouble with von Grantz?”
“It’s just Grantz now, actually,” Conrart automatically corrects.
Yozak eyes him curiously. “Oookay. So what’s the problem? He get jealous of one of your other lovers?”
Conrart cringes. “We’re actually monogamous now.” He hasn’t told anyone here about that yet. Not that anyone besides Yozak would ask.
Yozak’s mouth drops open. “You!? Monogamous??”
It’s a very recent development, and admittedly uncharacteristic of him. But it just made sense. Sex with other people really doesn’t do it for him anymore.
When it’s rough it’s not as rough as Adalbert gets with him. When it’s gentle it’s not as tender and sweet as Adalbert gets with him. So on his last visit, he gave in and told Adalbert he wanted to be exclusive. There was no reason not to, since nowadays he hasn’t been bothering even during the longer gaps between his visits. There’s nothing that anyone else can give him anymore.
He has a feeling that’s why Adalbert had been okay with him sleeping with other people from the start. Somehow he’d known that no matter what, Conrart would keep coming back to him.
“You got it bad, huh?” Yozak is smiling knowingly at him, and he realizes he must’ve spaced out there for a second.
He looks down at his wine glass, studying the dark red liquid, before responding. “Well,” he says, “I don’t know. That’s kind of the problem.” His eyes remain fixed on the glass so that he doesn’t have to look at Yozak for this next part. “I’ve been thinking of moving in with him, but I don’t know if it’s for the right reasons. I mean, I can’t do that if I don’t love him.”
He hasn’t actually said those thoughts out loud yet, not even to Adalbert. The words feel oddly-shaped against his tongue, foreign, like the first time he spoke English.
He’d hoped saying them out loud would make things feel clearer, but everything still feels muddled. He has no idea what the right path is.
He likes the life he has when he’s with Adalbert. But that’s a superficial reason. It’s not sustainable. Right now, his visits feel more like a recurring vacation than anything else, a break from the mundane routine he has at Covenant Castle. The thrill surely won’t last if he actually lives there.
“Who made up that rule?”
He finally looks up at Yozak, and shrugs. “No one. I just don’t want to…start something I can’t finish.” If things go south after he moves in, that’s way worse than if things were to end right now.
He doesn’t want them to end. But they can’t stay like this forever.
Yozak leans back. “But wait, you’re considering moving to a different country to be with him, and you’re not sure if you’re in love with him?”
“If a stray cat keeps coming back because you keep feeding it, does that mean it loves you?” It’s a question he’s asked himself dozens of times now.
Yozak responds to it quite differently than his own brain does.
“Well,” he says with a cheeky smile, “If the transaction ends there, maybe not. But if it climbs into your lap and purrs…”
It’s a good thing he wasn’t drinking at the moment, or he would’ve choked on his wine. Sure, he does spend a lot of time in Adalbert’s lap these days, but how would Yozak know that? Has he been spying on them?
Yozak ignored his bewildered stare. “Anyway, when did you get so hung up on labels?” he asks. “You never cared about that kind of stuff back in the day.”
Back when we were together, he means. Although, ‘together’ perhaps isn’t the right word. ‘Fucking’ doesn’t quite cover it either, though. Maybe there isn’t a word for what they were.
He’d enjoyed it- the sex was good, and the companionship was comforting during a difficult time in his life- but he likes what they have now, too. It feels different from his other friendships, but it’s not romantic now. Well, it never really was romantic, but it’s not sexual now, either.
But in any case, Yozak’s right. They never even considered labeling it. Is he just worried about that stuff now because Adalbert is a romantic? Does caring about something just because Adalbert cares about it mean that he loves Adalbert?
The more he thinks about it, the more confused he gets. And the most romantic shit seeps into his relationship with Adalbert, the more confused he gets, which doesn’t make any fucking sense. It’s a romantic relationship. It’s supposed to be romantic. He’s not supposed to feel confused about that.
He’d figured Adalbert’s desire to take care of him was a kink thing at first, and it is. But it’s more than that. Adalbert loves him. And unlike Conrart, Adalbert puts zero boundaries between love and sex. It’s causing Conrart’s own lines to blur, and he doesn’t know how he feels about that, except that he feels confused.
How does he explain that to Yozak without explaining all that?
“Well…you know I don’t normally go in for all that…mushy stuff.”
Yozak nods. He knows that better than almost anyone.
“But now, sometimes it’s…not so bad.”
Nice, even. Hot, sometimes. And fulfilling in a way he’s never felt before. But he can’t say that out loud.
He sighs. “But then other times, it still makes my skin crawl. So how do I know what I really want?”
Yozak looks at him like he has three heads. “That’s it? You want different things at different times? Captain, that’s just being a person. Are you really gonna make life decisions based solely off of what percentage of time you wanna hold hands with him or whatever?”
“What else is there?”
Yozak rolls his eyes. “Gee, maybe what you actually want for your life.”
“But I don’t know what I want!” He should’ve have bothered. It’s an issue far too big to be resolved over a couple drinks.
“Sheesh,” Yozak says with mock weariness. “This is hurting my brain. I don’t get paid nearly enough to be your therapist.”
Conrart crosses his arms. “You’re the one who asked.”
Yozak lunges forward lightning-fast, grabs his face, and looks at him with narrowed eyes.
“What are you doing?”
“Trying to figure out which of your brothers you’re acting like right now,” Yozak replies, “The bratty youngest brother or the sour oldest brother.”
Conrart glares at him. “Asshole.”
“Whiny bitch,” Yozak shoots back.
Conrart tries to keep glaring, but cracks a smile. He never could keep a straight face for long around Yozak.
Yozak releases his grip on Conrart’s face and smiles back at him.
They sit and drink in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Conrart speaks again. “Have you ever been in love?” It feels odd that he doesn’t know the answer after having known Yozak most of their lives, but this isn’t exactly the kind of thing they normally talk about.
Yozak shrugs. “I’ve thought so, but I’m not so sure now. I mean, you know how things are when you’re a kid. Everything feels so serious. And you and your father were some of the first people to be kind to me.”
Conrart smiles. “And you developed a crush on me.”
Yozak shakes his head. “No, on your dad!”
Conrart breaks out in actual laughter this time, hard enough that it makes his sides hurt. Yozak just grins back at him, his hand resting on his chin.
Once the laughter subsides, he’s left with a calm, warm feeling, one he’s become intimately familiar with over the decades. It’s the Yozak feeling; he doesn’t know any other way to label it. It’s one of his favorites. But it’s very different from the Adalbert feeling he’s come to know lately. He enjoys being around Yozak, and there’s a kind of love there, but it’s different. He feels almost addicted to Adalbert.
He suddenly feels a pang in his chest, and realizes he misses Adalbert. Good grief. He’s only been home a few days. What, he can’t function on his own anymore?
Or does he just not want to function on his own? Is there a difference? Does the difference even matter?
He takes a sip of his wine and mulls things over for a minute before looking back up at his best friend.
He still doesn’t really know what love is, but maybe he doesn’t have to.
“You know,” he says calmly, “I’m really going to miss you.”
Yozak’s returning smile almost looks relieved. “You too, Captain.”