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Mingi couldn't pinpoint when or why everything started, when it got this bad, when his brain decided that nights were meant for anxiety and self-deprecating thoughts.
During the day he was fine, the members knew how to keep him in a good mood without even realising it.
Even if Mingi started spacing out and thinking about whatever was worrying him at that moment, the members brought him back to reality quickly.
Mingi couldn't be more grateful for that, they have saved him from so many incidents of him having a full-blown anxiety attack on live television.
But overall, the daytime was easy for him to handle, there were enough distractions even if his members weren't around him.
From Staff members joking around with him, to him easily being able to distract himself by practicing the choreo or catching up on sleep, even if the members around him were being loud.
His problems were easy to ignore when things were loud and exciting, even if the loud and exciting things sometimes gave him a little anxious tummy ache, it wasn't comparable to his night-time terrors.
During the night was when everything really hit.
The moment everyone goes to sleep, and the dorm goes quiet, Mingis mind starts being louder than anything he experiences during the daytime.
Those were the moments Mingi didn't know whether or not he should be grateful for having a room all by himself.
On one side he could relax, unwind from the stressful day without being disturbed, he could decorate the room however he wanted, no one could complain about him being messy, he can sleep however he pleases, even if it's naked, he couldn't annoy anyone with his snoring, and no one could annoy him with their snoring.
It was peaceful...
until it wasn't...
Being all by himself also meant that as soon as the dorm went quiet his thoughts became even louder, he felt lonely despite his best friend being just one door away.
Even though he appreciates it a lot that he can just cry without someone asking him what's wrong, deep down inside he craves the comfort of someone asking him what's wrong more than anything, just having someone care about him without him having to seek out...
He hates himself for thinking like this, because he knows that the members care a lot about him, they are like a family and when the others need comfort no one bats an eye.
So why does he feel like it's so wrong when he does it...?
Doesn't he also deserve some comfort after having a nightmare again...?
Wouldn't it be nice to just be held while crying out your heart knowing that someone is right there with you...?
And yet he can't bring himself to actually seek out, because what is he supposed to tell the others?
'Hey I have the sads, hold me?'
He would feel stupid, like a little kid telling their parent they just threw up.
It would just inconvenience and worry the members more than it should.
Just thinking about that one time where Yunho asked Mingi if everything was fine, after the younger one had an especially rough night makes him sick.
He knows that Yunho genuinely cares and was just curious, but Mingi would rather spend the entire day training with his least favourite choreographer than explain what his mind is coming up with.
He knows his thoughts don't make sense, he knows that he is important in this team, he knows that his members love and care about him, he knows that atinys all over the world adore him, he knows that his mistakes are just human, and he can't do much about it.
But despite knowing all of this, he just doesn't feel it.
He knows all the facts, why does it still feel like he could be easily replaced, that even without him the members would do well, that everyone hates him and thinks he is not worth it for the tiniest mistakes he makes.
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All eight are sitting together on the sofa in the living room watching a movie together, everything is peaceful, they are joking around, cuddling, complaining about plot holes in the movie, eating snacks, just enjoying their time together.
Evenings like this weren't uncommon, and every time they did movie nights it went the same.
Wooyoung being clingy towards his target member(s) for the day which happen to be Yeosang and Sannie tonight, Seonghwa trying to keep Hongjoong awake by his request, Jongho sitting somewhere far away from Wooyoung and eating some Chips peacefully and Yunho and Mingi were just sitting next to each other resting their heads against each other.
It was peaceful.
Mingi was happy.
His mind was peaceful for the first time today.
They've had an extra stressful day with filming, practicing, recording and a spontaneous extra meeting concerning the concept of their next comeback.
Meeting so many people and not having a minute to enjoy things took a toll on Mingi, but being with the members made all the stress just melt away.
If this moment would last forever, he would be perfectly fine with it, but things like this don't last.
Just thirty minutes into the second movie nearly everyone fell asleep, everyone except Mingi.
Mingi looked down on his shoulder to find Yunho peacefully sleeping without a care in the world.
He sighted and continued watching the movie, or at least trying.
It was much harder to enjoy the movie without Wooyoung, Yeosang and San bickering to his right and Yunho playing with his hair on the other side...
Mingi felt himself spacing out like he already did so many other times, despite staring at the TV, his eyes did not register what was happening on there.
As the movie got more and more quiet, his thoughts started getting louder and louder, replaying every little mistake from today, how the barista at the café looked at him weird, the constructive feedback of their choreographer started to sound more like pure hatred towards him, the producer ignoring him when he asked about concept changes, all the unfunny jokes Mingi made during filming, how he ruined their stylists favourite eyeshadow palette by dropping it today.
All those small things meant nothing by themselves but putting them together and sprinkling some mentally ill creativity onto them, they suddenly became big issues.
Mingi knew he had to snap out of it, he was in the middle of the living room surrounded by his members, he is supposed to feel safe.
He had what he always wants during those moments, his members around him, someone cuddling with him, without inconveniencing them.
But why did he still feel lonely...?
He looked around, looked at everyone.
Seonghwa and Hongjoong lying next to each other, Woo and his two victims in a cuddle pile with even Jongho somehow joining after he fell asleep and Yunho on his shoulder...
Mingi had everyone, he wasn’t alone, everyone was at peace, why did he still feel bad...?
He felt unwell, sick, his stomach hurt, thoughts racing, tears swelling up behind his eyes, he needed to get out of here.
With shaky hands he slowly pushed Yunho away from himself and onto Seonghwas shoulder, quietly he tiptoed out of the living room and into his own room.
After he closed the door, he collapsed onto the floor.
As tears started to form, his breathing got more unregular, everything around him felt tight, he couldn’t breathe, he felt like he was suffocating.
With the hopes that it would get better he took off his clothes, leaving him in just boxers.
It didn’t get better, he felt like he was dying, he wanted to throw up but couldn’t.
He didn’t even realise he started banging his head against the wall and scratching his legs to calm himself.
Why did he think that being around his members would make it easier? Why is he only feeling worse?
Mingi didn’t understand himself.
He didn’t know when, but after what felt like hours the exhaustion took over and he fell into a deep slumber, which didn’t last long.
The next morning, he got woken up by an extremely happy and excited Yunho jumping onto him.
Swallowing down the pain that Yunho caused by jumping onto Mingis legs he hugged him back and thanked himself for hiding underneath the blanket before going to bed.
Even though he hasn’t inspected the damage yet, he knew it was brutal judging by the pain.
“Good morning princess! Time to wake up! We’re late!” Yunho exclaimed and ruffled through Mingis hair.
Mingi just mumbled something along the lines of “I’m already getting up” and rubbed over his eyes.
He has never felt this shitty waking up in the morning...
His head hurt, the crying left his eyes puffy, his legs are burning, and he can probably count the hours he has slept on one hand...
He hasn’t had a breakdown like this in quiet some time, usually his night-time terrors are a little less extreme...
They’re still awful, but at least he usually wouldn’t hurt himself like this...
He regretted every bit of damage he has done to himself, but was also questioning how no one noticed...
Or did they notice...?
The thought of that made Mingi feel unwell.
After Yunho left, Mingi got out of bed as well and quickly took care of his legs...
It wasn’t as bad as he thought, but he should definitely throw his sheets into the wash before Seonghwa could notice.
The tall one quickly put on his clothes from yesterday, since he couldn’t be bothered to find something fresh and left his room.
The others were already in the hallway putting on their shoes.
Without spending a thought towards what he could eat for breakfast Mingi also started putting on his shoes, trying to be as fast as possible despite everything hurting.
Before leaving the picked up a pair of sunglasses to hide his eyes, the others gave him a weird look for wearing sunglasses, but Mingi didn’t mind.
It was easier to explain sunglasses than his swollen red eyes.
Despite the rough morning, the day went on as usual.
After Mingi got some breakfast that Yunho packed for him and some painkillers from their manager, everything seemed a little easier to handle.
Everything seemed to be fine again, the members are laughing together, having fun filming and practising.
There was just one minor thing that seemed different, it seemed like Yunho was more focused on Mingi than usual, making him breakfast, being physically closer, hugging more than usual.
But Mingi could also just be imagining this, so he didn’t think about it for too long, everyone had days where they were just clingier than usual and for Yunho it just happened to be right after Mingis breakdown, just a coincidence.
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It has been weeks since Mingis big breakdown, Yunho was still clingier than usual, but never mentioned anything so Mingi just accepted it.
Being loved a little more didn’t hurt.
It didn’t help with the anxiety at night, but it was still nice.
Today was once again one of those days where Mingi and the members had not a minute to themselves, these days became more and more while the comeback was coming closer, it’s nothing uncommon.
It has always been like this every comeback, the knowledge, that everything would calm down a little after promotion kept them sane during this time.
Even though it was hard on all eight of the members, it was especially exhausting for Mingi today.
He spent the previous night staying up way too late trying to ignore his thoughts and distracting himself by doing literally anything other than sleeping.
The lack of sleep hit him hard, he kept making mistakes that shouldn’t be made right before a comeback, he physically felt everyone getting irritated by him.
It made him sick, but he was determined to keep going, despite the choreographer yelling at him and the members making fun of him.
“I’ve really never seen you make such stupid fucking mistakes” San laughed, Mingi knew he said it in an attempt to lighten the overall mood in the practice room, but deep down the tall one got hurt by those exact words, and the fact that Sannie wasn’t the only one made it even worse.
Mingi tried to laugh along, but in reality, he just really wanted to cry.
When the choreographer announced that they’ve done enough for the day everyone let out a relieved yell and thanked the staff members.
While everyone was getting ready to leave, Mingi just looked at the recording of their practice.
He wanted to stay longer and practice more, he wanted the members and everyone around him to be proud of his work, he couldn’t keep doing the same fucking mistakes over and over again, no matter how tired and drained he was.
But his plan was quickly killed by Yunho coming up to him and asking him why he wasn’t getting ready to leave yet.
“...Oh, I just want to practice some more... I shouldn’t be this shitty so close to our comeback”, Mingi tried to laugh it off, but even he noticed how drained that laugh sounded.
Yunho sighed “Come on, you’ve just had a bad day, let’s get home and get some rest! We both know you were just tired today; you’ll be better tomorrow! Don’t worry too much princess, if you aren’t better tomorrow, I will be your personal teacher!”
The younger one rolled his eyes upon hearing the nickname, but it also made him weak.
Despite the inner battle of wanting to train until his legs fell off, he let himself be dragged home by Yunho.
The older one grabbed Mingis hand and didn’t let go of it during the entire way home, not while walking out of the company building, not while getting into the van, not while driving home and even not while walking into their apartment building.
It was like Yunho was afraid he would sprint back to the company if he let go.
Mingi didn’t mind, it was comforting to have someone to hold onto, especially after a day like this.
Maybe not all members hated him after today, maybe it was just everyone except Yunho...
They have been inseparable for years, something minor like this couldn’t kill their bond.
Mingi knew that spending the evening with the members would probably be the best thing to do to calm his anxiety, but he also felt ashamed and guilty because of the mistakes he made.
Despite Yunho desperately wanting to spend the evening together Mingi just said he is tired and really wants to sleep, which wasn’t a lie.
He hadn’t properly slept for weeks so he was exhausted, but he knew that he won’t spend the night sleeping.
Without eating dinner or saying good night to the others, he went to bed after taking a quick shower.
Cuddled up in his sheets, the dark of his room surrounding him and the members outside talking and laughing in the distance, usually it made him feel okay... But not today.
They were having fun without him, they were so much better without him, he was just dragging them down, without him they wouldn’t have had to go through their entire choreo a million times, it would be so much easier for them without him...
The usually comforting darkness felt drowning, his breathing got more and more unsteady, he felt like he was suffocating, his heart was beating, he felt it beating, beating up into his throat, he was so warm yet so cold, he needed something to drink, water, but he couldn’t move, tears were forming in the corners of his eyes.
The members were happily laughing outside, they didn’t need him.
Fuck.
He felt like throwing up, he pulled on his hair, “fuck...” he whispered, it was too much, tears started to fall onto his blanket.
He was falling, nowhere to hold onto, he clawed his nails into his arms, he felt like he was dying, he hated it, he hated it so much, why was he like that, why couldn’t he just be better, why couldn’t he just laugh at his flaws like the members did.
His thoughts became louder and louder, despite the members outside becoming quieter to him he could still hear their laugh and their comments echo in his head.
He didn’t even notice that he was banging his head against the wall, until a large hand went behind his head to stop it.
Everything went blank and with teary eyes he looked up to the owner of the hand.
Yunho.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Without saying a word Yunho pulled Mingi into his arms and gently stroked over his back.
Mingis mind went from blank back to having racing thoughts.
He should’ve been quieter, now Yunho is worried for no reason, why was he so stupid, he really can’t do anything right, what does someone say in this situation, what if he tells the others, they already have enough to worry about, shit
He felt like throwing up.
No words were exchanged, it was just Yunho gently stroking over Mingis back and hair and Mingi quietly sobbing into Yunhos shoulder.
The silence was comfortable for once and Mingi slowly calmed down with the help of the other.
“Better...?” Yunho carefully asked while massaging the back of Mingis head.
The younger one nodded slightly into his shoulder, not wanting to look up, he was embarrassed...
It was silent again, Mingi didn’t want to talk, and Yunho didn’t know how to start, he had so many questions and thoughts, but he didn’t know how to express them.
He just wanted to ask Mingi about tomorrows breakfast and didn’t expect to find him like this.
It wasn’t unknown to him that Mingi tended to worry a bit more than the others, they’ve talked about it in the past, but he didn’t know that it was this bad. Internally he was beating himself up for not asking after finding Mingi with wounds all over his legs a few weeks ago, but he just didn’t know how to bring it up.
His heart shattered upon seeing his best friend like this.
“Why didn’t you tell me...?” he whispered.
It was quiet again, Mingi wanted to flee, but he knew he couldn’t escape this hug.
Instead, he quietly said, “I didn’t want to bother you...” hiding his face even more in Yunhos chest.
“Oh Princess...”, now Mingis heart broke, he has never heard such pain in his friends voice...
“You could never bother me or anyone else, please tell me you at least talked to someone about it.”
Mingi shook his head.
Another moment of silence, not as comforting as it used to be.
“Can you look at me?”, Yunho carefully took Mingis head into his hands and wiped away the tears with his thumbs.
“I know opening up is scary, but we all love you and worry about you, even if we don’t show it!”
Mingis eyes started tearing up again.
“No matter how hard things get, you always try to be there for everyone, so please let us be there for you when things get hard...”, Yunhos eyes started to water as well.
“If you ever need anything please tell us, tell me, we’ve known each other for so many years, I don’t only want to be there for you when you are happy, I want to be there for you no matter what! You are precious to me and the others”
The younger one managed to push out a small “I’m sorry”, before his tears started falling again.
He got pulled back into a hug by the older one, “It’s okay”, that comforting hand was back on the back of Mingis head.
“I love you”, Yunho gently kissed Mingis head.
“I love you too”
Despite having heard those simple words so many times by so many people, it was the first time he could actually feel the love behind those three words.
No further words were exchanged, Mingi didn’t feel like talking yet and Yunho could sense it.
But it was okay.
For Mingi the presence of the other was already more than enough, the talking could be done another day.
They soon changed into a position more comfortable with Mingis head resting on Yunhos chest.
The combination of head pats and Yunhos calm breathing soon made the younger one fall into a peaceful sleep.