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James Potter was a genius.
He was aware that this statement held a little bit of bias, given that he himself was the one proclaiming it (silently, in his head – he wasn’t that egotistical), but he believed it nonetheless, and for good reason.
As much as James had confidence in spades, he didn’t often consider himself under the category of ‘genius’. This particular occasion was a special one, however, one that most certainly warranted the title, even more than the prank back in fourth year where he’d come up with the grand idea to transfigure a stuffed replica of Mrs Norris from a toy Sirius nicked from Zonko’s, and place it in view of older kids having midnight trysts or kitchen runs after curfew. The looks of pure fear on the students’ faces had been priceless, and James thought that prank was one of his best ideas to date. The faux Mrs Norris was now moved around to increasingly bizarre places throughout the common room like a sort of hellish Elf on the Shelf, and was a key part of indoctrination to Hogwarts for all Gryffindor first-years. But one measly prank didn’t hold a candle to James’ most recent, genius plan. A plan that had begun as a little spark in the back of his mind a week earlier, and was now forming itself into a full-blown inferno.
The reason for this inferno was sitting across from James at the breakfast table, munching on slightly soggy jam toast and hurriedly finishing off a last-minute Potions essay, and he went by the name of Remus Lupin.
Actually, that wasn’t entirely accurate, James thought; Remus was one half of James’ brain-inferno. The other half was Sirius Black, watching Remus scribble on the parchment with a truly idiotic and not-at-all-subtle smile plastered on his face, chin resting on his palm like a besotted schoolgirl. And James nearly gasped out loud with his own sheer cleverness.
See, the week prior to this life-changing breakfast, Sirius had sat James down in the dorm and levelled his gaze on him, looking solemn.
“I have to tell you something,” he’d said, worrying his lip between his teeth.
“Okay,” said James, because he didn’t know what else to say.
Sirius just stared at him for a solid ten seconds.
“Mate?” James asked, waving a hand in front of him. “Are you okay?”
Sirius blinked. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, sorry, I just–” he huffed, tugging a hand through his hair. “‘M a bit nervous,” he admitted.
“Oh,” said James. “Don’t be. You can tell me anything, Pads, honest. I’ll never love you any less.”
“Right,” said Sirius. “Right, here goes. I, um,” he cleared his throat. “I’m gay.”
“Oh.”
Sirius looked at him anxiously.
“Oh,” James repeated. “That’s brilliant.”
Sirius looked sceptical, and James realised he probably didn’t sound very enthusiastic. “I mean it, Sirius!” he said hurriedly. “I’m happy for you. That’s wonderful.”
“Okay,” said Sirius. “Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure, you idiot.”
James pulled him in for a hug, and when he drew back Sirius looked suspiciously close to tears. “Love you, Pads,” James said, ruffling his hair and earning a shove for it. “Who else knows, so I don’t put my foot in it?”
“Um, just Remus. And Lily, I think, but I didn’t tell her, she just figured it out.”
James pushed down the small stab of hurt he felt at Remus being told before him. Of course Sirius would tell him first; Moony had informed them all of his preference for boys back in fifth year (though he’d been rather drunk at the time, and had freaked out quite spectacularly the next day, thinking for some reason that they’d all kick him out of the dorm). Of course Sirius would seek out someone who understood. It didn’t mean anything for their friendship that Remus knew first.
And then James’ brain had snagged on the words Remus and friendship and gay, and the spark had been ignited. The spark that, right now, returned full-force at the breakfast table, this time by the name of James Potter’s Genius Plan, with the realisation that Sirius fancied Remus (!) and James was going to do everything in his power to help him out.
“So, Moony,” he ventured. “You been seeing anyone lately?”
Remus’ head snapped up. “Are you asking me if I’ve been dating, or if I’m having hallucinations?” he asked.
“Both?”
“Well, now that you mention it, there has been a tall man lurking in the corner of our room lately,” Remus mused, tapping his chin with the end of his spoon thoughtfully.
“What?!” squeaked Peter, only just tuning into the conversation.
“Don’t worry about the man, Pete,” Sirius said consolingly, patting him on the shoulder. “He only hurts you if you poke him in the arse. Or if you betray the Marauder’s code of honour.”
“We have a code of honour?” asked Remus.
“Yes,” said Sirius. “It’s ‘don’t hurt our Moony or we’ll kill you, and don’t be a snitch or we’ll do even worse’.”
“Huh. I think it needs work.” Remus returned to his essay. Sirius just grinned stupidly at him before stealing his last piece of toast, dodging Remus’ hand as it reached over to slap him upside the head, his eyes never leaving the parchment in front of him. Sirius’ laugh rang out, genuine, above the ceaseless chatter in the Great Hall.
Merlin, but they were perfect for each other! James didn’t know how he’d never seen it before. Sirius had always been close to Remus, but in a different way to how he was with James; it was all brotherly hair ruffling and playful shoves between them, but with Remus, Sirius was more careful, his touches more intimate, fingers trailing on arms and lingering after hugs. Yes, he thought. I’m going to make them fall in love, and it’s going to be wonderful.
He doubled down, casually asking, “What about you, Sirius?”
“What about me?” Sirius continued eating his stolen toast. Remus slowly looked up, and James worked to contain his grin. So Remus was interested in Sirius’ love life!
“Are you seeing anyone?” James asked.
Sirius choked on his toast. Remus thumped him on the back. “What?” Sirius spluttered, doing his best to recover. “Why are you suddenly so interested in our love lives?”
“I’ve always been interested,” James said indignantly. “I’m just wondering, y’know. Haven’t seen either of you with anyone in a while.” He tilted his head, considering. “Actually, now that I think of it, I haven’t seen you with anyone since the start of bloody sixth year. That’s like a year and a half!”
Remus and Sirius exchanged a look that James couldn’t decipher.
“Just because we don’t advertise it, doesn’t mean it’s not happening,” Remus said cryptically.
“Right,” said James. “Just thought you two could like, bond, or something, over being single.” He waggled his eyebrows at Sirius suggestively. Sirius just squinted at him.
“What the fuck are you on about, Prongs?” he asked. “Where is this coming from?”
“Oh, y’know,” James waved his hand airily, “just thinking aloud. You two are both single, ready to mingle, all that.”
Remus and Sirius exchanged another complicated glance.
“Prongs,” Sirius said, standing up. “Walk me to Charms?”
James stood up as well. He could work with this. “Of course, Padfoot m’dear.”
They made their way out of the Great Hall and down the corridor. Sirius glanced around for a moment before grabbing James’ arm and spinning to face him.
“What the fuck was that?” he hissed.
“What?” asked James innocently.
“That. With Remus!”
“Oh? Are you, by any chance, talking about the fact that you very obviously fancy him?”
Sirius blinked at him for a moment, then burst out laughing. “What?” he wheezed.
Now James was confused. “You do fancy him, right?” he asked.
Sirius laughed even harder. “I–Merlin, James, I thought–”
“It’s okay, Pads!” James said quickly. “Really, I don’t have a problem with it. In fact, I think it’s brilliant! I’m sure you can win Moony over in no time.”
Sirius looked at him incredulously. “Win him over?” he asked, a bit hysterically. The poor bugger was probably nervous.
“Yeah,” said James. “Moony’s a catch for sure, but so are you! We can make him fall in love with you, easy. Trust me, I’m an expert on this – I got Lily in the end, didn’t I?”
Sirius opened his mouth to reply, then spotted someone over James’ shoulder. James turned to see Remus and Peter approaching them. Speak of the devil, he thought.
“We’ll continue this later,” he told Sirius, just as the other two caught up to them. “But for now, we have – wait, what class do we have again?”
“Charms,” Remus supplied.
“Right, charms,” said James. “Sirius would know all about charms, wouldn’t you, mate?”
“Um, I…suppose so?” said Sirius, glancing at Remus. Oh, Merlin, he was adorable. Absolutely smitten.
“I don’t,” Peter said glumly. “I’m flunking the bloody class.”
“It’s okay, Wormy, you’re not that far behind,” said Remus. “I’ll help you with that essay that’s due Friday, and I don’t reckon Flitwick will give us any more homework today.”
“Maybe you should also help Sirius with that essay!” James said eagerly. “He needs some assistance with, uhh, the…levitation aspect.”
“I do?” Sirius asked. James wanted to slap him. I’m trying to help you out, you oblivious prat.
“Yeah, levitation is really basic magic, James,” Remus said, brow furrowed. “And Padfoot is second in the class, he certainly doesn’t need my help.”
“Right, but you’re first. There’s always room for improvement!”
“Yes, because Sirius is all about improving his schoolwork,” Remus said dryly, and Sirius laughed.
James was going to say something else, but it slipped his mind when they reached the Charms classroom and were met with the sight of their entire class, Flitwick included, loitering around the entrance and looking exasperated. James belatedly remembered the ten dung bombs he and Peter had planted there the night before.
“Oh, I forgot we did that,” he said.
“Not your best work,” Remus noted, wrinkling his nose.
Sirius laughed again. “Yeah,” he said, shoving James, “maybe your next plan should be a bit more original, Prongs.”
You have no idea, James wanted to say.
“It was Wormy’s idea, actually,” he said.
Sirius gasped. “Peter, I knew it! You're a terrible influence on our innocent souls.” He pretended to faint backwards onto Remus, who stepped aside. Sirius stumbled, catching himself at the last second.
“Moony! I thought you loved me?”
Remus reached over and tugged on a lock of Sirius’ hair. “Only on Tuesdays,” he said, smiling. Sirius blushed (Sirius Black, blushing!) and James could hardly contain his grin.
He was a genius.
✩
James had a Plan. It was scribbled on a piece of parchment he’d found in his bedside drawer – the parchment had some very rude drawings on one side, done by James and Sirius in Transfiguration one day, but that hardly mattered – and, though not extensive by any means, James thought it was rather foolproof.
The Plan, as written on the parchment, was this:
James Potter’s Genius Matchmaking Plan:
Step 1: Reconnaissance (with a focus on Remus)
Step 2: Forced proximity (Broom closet?)
Step 3: Confrontation
James hoped that Steps 1 and 2 of the Plan would do the trick, and resolved to only enact Step 3 if absolutely necessary. He didn’t want to force his friends into this; they just needed a little push in the right direction.
The day after he’d written it, he began to put the Plan into action, starting with Step 1: Reconnaissance, in Herbology with Remus.
“Hullo, Moony,” he said, sidling up to the other boy, who was drawing a very complex-looking diagram of the plant in front of him.
“Prongs,” Remus acknowledged, not looking up.
“How are things?”
Remus set his quill down. “What do you want?”
“Nothing.”
“Why are you being weird, then?”
“I’m not being weird. I’m just asking how you are.”
“Well, I’m fine.”
“Good. That’s good.”
Remus went back to his diagram. James waited an entire thirty seconds before he spoke.
“I’m doing good, too, by the way.”
“That’s great, James,” Remus said absently, scratching his chin with the quill.
“I think it’s Lily. There’s something about love, y’know?”
“Hmm.”
“Have you ever been in love, Moony?”
Remus finally looked at him. “Why?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.
“Well, I know you’ve…done things,” he said. “but I was just wondering if it’s ever been…more. You know?”
Remus tilted his head. “Yes,” he said.
“Yes? You’ve been in love?”
“Yeah.”
“Moony! Why didn’t you tell me?”
Remus shrugged. “You never asked.”
“Who is it? Is it someone I know?” Sirius, he thought, it’s Sirius.
“I’m trying to work, James,” Remus said.
“Wait,” said James. “Are you still in love?”
“Hm?” Remus was back to scribbling on his diagram.
“Remus! C’mon, mate, you can’t just say that and then–oof!”
He was cut off by Sirius barging in between them. “Hiya, boys,” he said. “What are we talking about?”
“Moony’s in love,” James blurted, before he could figure out if it was beneficial to his plan or not.
“Oh?” Sirius turned to Remus, and James couldn’t see his face. “Is that so?”
“I never said I was in love, I said I have been in love at some point in my life.”
“So you aren’t in love anymore?” James asked.
“I didn’t say that either.”
“Well then what–”
Remus set down his quill, rather angrily, for the third time, looking extremely exasperated. He began to gather up his things, saying, “Can I do anything without being bloody interrogated? I just want to draw a fucking diagram of a fucking asphodel plant while it’s still flowering, but no, let’s bother Moony, nevermind that N.E.W.T.s are right around the corner!”
He went and sat by Peter, who patted his back consolingly and went back to his own work, squinting at the parchment as though it were written in ancient Greek.
Sirius looked at James, then shrugged. “Moon’s in two days,” he said.
“Oh,” said James. “Yeah, I forgot about that.” Internally, however, he was beaming. Moony was in love with Padfoot!
✩
The Plan had been altered a bit.
It had been two days since the Herbology class wherein James attempted Step 1: Reconnaissance, and Remus refused to tell James anything about the person he was in love with. Though it crossed James’ mind that Remus could be talking about someone else, he’d observed him closely and come to the conclusion that it was obviously Sirius who he was in love with (he never flirted with anyone else, not once) and they both just needed to realise that the attraction went both ways.
So James had revised the Plan, crossing out some parts and rewriting others, and now it looked like this:
James Potter’s Genius Matchmaking Plan:
Step 1: Reconnaissance (with a focus on Remus)
Step 2: Forced proximity (Broom closet?)
Step 3: 1: Confrontation
He started with Remus, because he was the most difficult to convince with things like this, and James thought it best to get it over with before he tackled Sirius, who was a lot less stubborn.
He cornered Remus in the dorm one afternoon, while Sirius was in detention and Peter was at a chess club meeting.
Well, maybe cornered wasn’t the right word. James was taking advantage of an empty dorm to clean out his sock drawer (there turned out to be very few socks and a good deal of sweet wrappers, as well as a dead flobberworm from his Potions kit, which was concerning) when Remus entered in his usual messy state, dumped his belongings on the floor, and flopped face-down onto his bed.
“Alright, Moony?” James asked, casting a Scourgify on the section of drawer where the flobberworm had been.
“Urgmfhhh,” Remus said into the mattress.
“What does that mean?”
Remus rolled over. “It means I hate everything.”
“Well, that’s good,” said James cheerily. “At least you’re being consistent. Truth be told, I’d be far more worried if you said you didn’t hate everything.”
“Mmm,” Remus said noncommittally. “What’re you up to?”
“Cleaning out my drawer.”
“Thrilling.”
“You have no idea, Messr Moony.”
Remus pulled a pack of cigarettes from his nightstand and cracked the window open, sitting by it with his long legs folded up and lighting a fag with a flick of his hand. James bit back his protest. He needed Moony to be agreeable if he was hoping to get anywhere with the Plan.
They settled into a comfortable silence, until James had returned his socks to the now-flobberwormless drawer and Remus had burnt through his second cigarette. They only had about ten minutes until dinnertime and James didn’t know when he’d next get Moony alone. It was now or never.
“Sirius fancies you,” he blurted, then clapped a hand over his mouth.
Oh, Merlin. He had meant to be a bit more tactful than that.
But Remus just sighed and gave him a long, rather withering look. “Don’t be ridiculous, Prongs,” he said.
“I’m not!” said James indignantly. “He as good as told me.”
Remus rolled his eyes. “Sure.”
“Moony! It’s true!”
“I assure you, Sirius Black doesn’t fancy me.”
“How do you know? Have you asked him? Because I did, and he–”
“I don’t need to ask him. I know where we stand.”
“Aha! So you fancy him back!”
“Literally when did I say that?”
James was on a roll. “Moony, c’mon. You two are perfect for each other!”
“Really,” Remus said flatly.
“Yes!”
The corner of Remus’ mouth quirked up. “How do you know? It’s always us four, together. S’not like Sirius and I get any time alone to, y’know…figure this stuff out.”
James tilted his head. “Oh. That’s a good point. But Moony, trust me on this. You should give it a shot, I promise it’ll be worth it. Two of my best friends, together! Can you imagine?”
Remus just lit another cigarette and turned back to the window, but not before James got a glimpse of his smile.
✩
The next week, after several instances where either Sirius or Remus were obviously flirting and it seemed to go over the other’s head completely, James decided to take his concerns to Lily.
Lily was wonderful and perfect and so bloody smart that James occasionally zoned out while she was talking about something entirely mundane, like magical theory, or even Potions of all things, because she looked so beautiful, lit up head to toe with enthusiasm for the topic. In Sirius’ words, she was a swot, but James disagreed because he knew swots weren’t supposed to be so fucking sexy (and really, Sirius was the one with a crush on Moony, so he didn’t exactly have a leg to stand on).
The point was, Lily would know exactly what to do about Remus and Sirius, because Lily knew everything.
“Okay, Potter, what gives?”
They were in the library, studying. Well, Lily was studying. James was staring forlornly out the window from the chair next to her, head pillowed on his folded arms and glasses digging uncomfortably into his temple, reformulating the Plan in his head.
“Huh?” he said absently. Maybe he could Polyjuice himself as Remus and snog Sirius. No, that was too dramatic. He needed to be more subtle.
“What are you huffing about? Something’s bothering you,” Lily said.
James sighed and sat up. “Sirius fancies Moony, but Moony’s being thick about it and doing that thing where he thinks everyone is just tolerating him and doesn’t actually like him, and it’s very frustrating because I’ve been trying to set them up for an entire fortnight now and it’s not working!”
To his surprise, Lily laughed.
“What?” asked James, bewildered.
“Oh, those absolute fuckers,” said Lily, shaking her head.
“What do you mean?” James was very confused.
“Oh, um, just– you know. Can’t believe Remus still doesn’t think Sirius likes him, that’s just– crazy!”
“Right?”
“I mean, it’s been years.”
“Wait, really?” James had thought this was a new development.
“Oh, James,” Lily said. “They’ve been pining after each other since about third year.”
“What? How did I not notice?”
“I don’t know, James,” Lily laid her head on his shoulder. “You can be a little oblivious sometimes.”
“Oi! I’m very observant.”
“Sure, love.”
James played with a strand of Lily’s hair, twirling it absently around his finger. “What do I do, Lils?”
“It’s not exactly up to you, is it?”
“It is! They’re my brothers, I want them to be happy. I just wish they could see how well they would work together.”
Lily laughed again. “James,” she said.
“Lily,” he mocked.
She shook her head. “Oh, god. Have you talked to them about this?”
“Of course I have! I told Remus that Pads fancies him and he went ‘don’t be ridiculous, Prongs’” – for effect, James said this in a high-pitched voice that sounded nothing like Remus – “and then he said they never get any alone time anyway, so how would he know? Which is sort of fair, I suppose.”
Lily dropped her head onto the table with a thunk.
“Lils? Are you alright?”
“James Fleamont Potter,” she said, and didn’t elaborate.
“What?”
“Ugh.”
“You’re not being helpful!” James said, throwing up his hands. “What do I do?”
Lily sat up, muttering something, then looked him in the eye and said, “Why don’t you set them up?”
“Er, yes, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.”
“No, I mean set them up on a date. Make it all romantic. Give them the alone time they need.” She sounded very reluctant.
“Oh! Oh, that’s a brilliant idea,” James said eagerly.
“I’ve been known to have them.”
“And we can eavesdrop.”
Lily sighed (a bit too dramatically, in James’ opinion) and said, “Why do I even bother?” before picking up her quill and resuming her studies.
James returned his gaze to the window. He was glad he had Lily on-side, at least.
✩
The Plan now looked like this:
James Potter’s Genius Matchmaking Plan:
Step 1: Reconnaissance (with a focus on Remus)
Step 2: Forced proximity (Broom closet?)
Step 3: 1: Confrontation Forced proximity
It was getting a little messy, but it was fine. James was a genius, after all – he knew what he was doing.
In the original iteration of the Plan, James intended Forced Proximity to mean shutting Remus and Sirius in some sort of enclosed space and hoping they’d get their shit together simply by being next to each other for an extended period of time. James wasn’t sure how, exactly, it would work, but he’d thought that – even if they didn’t end up doing anything – at the very least the two of them might be alerted to some of their feelings for each other via osmosis or something.
But his conversation with Lily had enlightened him – as conversations with Lily were wont to do – and James had now decided he needed to be more tactful, nay, romantic, about this.
Which brought him to his current situation: sitting in the back of Potions with Sirius (who was staring at the back of Remus’ head, by the way) and setting into motion what James hoped was the final iteration of the Plan.
“Oi,” he whispered, elbowing Sirius. “I think you should take him on a date.”
Sirius turned to him, looking confused. “Huh?”
“Remus. You should surprise him with a date. Trust me, I have an idea. I’ll set it up and everything.”
Sirius smirked. “Prongs, forgive me if I don’t exactly trust your dating advice.”
“Hey! I’m dating the most incredible girl in the school. You don’t think I know a thing or two about dates?”
“Yeah, well, Lily isn’t Remus.”
That made sense. Sirius was nervous about losing his friendship with Remus. If only you could see the way he looks at you, James thought.
“Trust me, mate,” James said. “Remus said you two needed alone time to figure things out, so I’m giving you alone time, yeah?”
Sirius gave a small laugh. “Wait, what? He really said that?”
“Yes,” James hissed quietly. “Why do you think I’ve been trying to leave you two alone in the dorms? Only problem is, Pete can’t take a hint!”
“Bloody genius,” Sirius muttered.
“Who, me? Yeah, I know, that’s why you should ask him on a date! I’ll distract Pete for an entire evening.”
Sirius raised a brow. “Alright.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, go on. Set us up on a date, Prongsie boy.”
“Yes!” James said, quite loudly, pumping his fist for effect.
“Mr Potter,” Slughorn’s voice sounded from the front of the room. “Please keep your voice down and focus on your work. Unless you wish me to separate you and Mr Black?”
“No, Professor. Sorry, won’t happen again,” James said cheerily.
Slughorn bent his head back over his papers, and James turned once more to Sirius. “Write him a note. Let’s do it tonight.”
“What?”
“The date. Let’s do it tonight.”
“Oh. Okay,” Sirius said.
“Good. Now write him a note asking him to meet you in the dorm at seven.”
“The dorm? That’s not very romantic.”
“I’ll make it romantic. Please, just trust me?”
Sirius sighed. “Alright, fine.”
He ripped off a corner of his parchment and scribbled a note that read: ‘Moons, meet me in the dorm at seven tonight? - Padfoot.’
“No,” said James. “That’s too formal. Add a heart or something.”
“A heart!? Are you joking?”
“No! It’s romantic, Pads. Lily loves when I write her notes with hearts.”
“Lily’s a girl! This is Remus we’re talking about!”
James grabbed the parchment, scribbled a heart on it and sent it soaring across the classroom to Remus with a flick of his wand, ignoring Sirius’ protests.
They watched as Remus scanned the note, then turned in his seat to face them, looking distinctly unimpressed. He faced forward again and wrote something in return, then sent it over his shoulder towards them without looking.
James snatched the paper out of the air and unfolded it hastily. “Success!”
“What’d he say?” Sirius peered over his shoulder to read the message in Remus’ scrawl:
it’s a date.
✩
“Hey, Moons.” Sirius’ voice floated through the door. James could hear the smile in it; the one he reserved only for Moony.
“Hullo, Pads.” That was Remus.
“Here, sit.”
There were some shuffling noises accompanied by low murmured words James couldn’t make out.
“So,” Remus said, as James strained to listen. “What’s all this?”
“Oh. This is James.”
That traitor! Why wasn’t Sirius sticking to the plan? But Remus only laughed and said, “Of course,” followed by something too quiet for James to hear.
He was crouched outside the dorm with Lily, who kept halfheartedly saying things like “James, this is ridiculous,” or “James, you said you were going to give them time alone, remember?” Peter had disappeared for the evening, saying he was going to a drama club meeting, of all places, and James had spent the better part of the afternoon putting up floating, translucent strings of light around the dorm using a charm he wasn’t very good at (the end result was rather lovely, though, in his opinion).
“Lily,” he whispered. “We’re staying. I want to see the fruits of my labour.”
Lily barely concealed her snort. “Fruits of your labour, right.”
He didn’t have time to ask what the hell that meant, because Remus had finally raised his voice above a whisper and he could hear him quite clearly.
“Sirius, I’m really sorry, but I just don’t feel that way about you.”
James nearly smacked his head on the door with how fast he turned to look at Lily. She had a very odd expression on her face, all twisted up and furrowed, like she was holding back a far more dramatic reaction. Merlin knows James certainly was.
“What?” he heard Sirius say from inside the dorm.
What!? James thought, then oh no, I’ve failed Padfoot.
Sirius spoke again. “But–but James said you were…in love with someone.”
“I am,” Remus said gently, and oh god, this was just tragic. “I’ve…actually been seeing them in secret.” James looked at Lily incredulously. Did you know this? he tried to communicate telepathically. She gave a miniscule shake of her head, eyes wide.
“Who?” he heard Sirius ask.
A sigh, then, “You won’t believe me.”
“Please, Remus.” James thought he could hear a waver in Sirius’ voice, like he was holding back tears. “I have to know. If it’s not me, who?”
“It’s…Snape.”
What?
“Snape!?” James said audibly, but it was thankfully muffled by Sirius exclaiming the exact same thing from behind the door to the dorm, a lot more loudly.
James was certain Lily looked paler than usual.
“Listen to me Sirius, please,” Remus was saying. “He’s different when we’re alone. He’s…kind, and thoughtful, and–”
“I don’t care!” Sirius was yelling, now. “He’s treated you terribly since the day he set eyes on you! And now you’re–you’re in love with him?”
“I know how it looks, but–”
“No!” Sirius shouted. “You love him over me?” James was sure his brother was crying now. Lily had a death-grip on his arm and it was the only thing stopping him from barging into the dorm and giving Remus a piece of his mind.
“Sirius, listen to me!”
“No!”
There was a loud bang, then a yell, and that was the last straw for James. He wrenched his arm from Lily’s hold and crashed through the door to the dormitory, pulling out his wand and whirling on Remus, who was standing in the middle of the room, a hand over his mouth, opposite Sirius. Peter’s chess set lay upside down on the rug between them, the pieces scattered haphazardly across the floor.
“Is it true? Are you out of your mind!?” James yelled at Remus, brandishing his wand threateningly.
“James!” Lily shouted from behind him.
“Remus, answer me! Is it true?”
Remus just gaped at him.
“James,” said Sirius.
At that, James turned. Sirius looked dishevelled, his hair wild and clothes rumpled. Sirius was…laughing?
“I’m sorry,” he wheezed, placing his hands on his knees. “I couldn’t–his face! I–I couldn’t keep it in–”
James whirled around to look back at Lily and Remus, who had joined in on Sirius’ laughter. Lily, clutching her stomach, slowly lowered herself to the floor, apparently unable to breathe properly. Remus was leaning on the nearest bed and had actual tears in his eyes. James turned back around and saw that Sirius had joined Lily on the floor, gasping for air.
And, to top it all off, a large rat crawled out of Lily’s pocket and suddenly Peter Pettigrew was sitting among his scattered chess pieces and laughing at him as well.
James, realising this was quite obviously a prank, burst into tears.
“Oh! Oh, James, don’t cry,” Remus said, moving to crouch down next to him and placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.
“I’m…I’m so fucking confused,” he sobbed. “You can’t play with my heart like – like that!”
“Prongs.” Sirius had joined Remus, kneeling next to James and pushing his hair gently out of his eyes. “Oh, James. We didn’t think you’d react like this.”
“Why the fuck would you do that?” James asked incredulously. He’d gotten over the initial shock and was now mildly embarrassed about the fact that he was having a meltdown in front of his friends. “I was trying to–to help.”
“Oh, love.” Lily came up behind him and pulled him into her arms. “I did tell them it would affect you more than they thought. But you have to admit, it was too good an opportunity to pass up.”
“It was a good prank,” James admitted tearfully.
“It was,” Pete said. “Even if I could only hear it.”
James laughed, suddenly. “I can’t believe I thought you’d joined a drama club.”
Peter threw his hands up. “I was put on the spot, okay? It was the first excuse that came to mind.”
“No need for a club,” said Remus, grinning. “Plenty of drama already with this one around.” He elbowed Sirius, and James realised he was back to square one in terms of the Plan. In fact, the Plan had been turned against him.
“You two” – he pointed a finger at Remus and Sirius – “are hopeless! I gave you a golden opportunity to sort yourselves out and you turned it into a prank on me!”
Remus, Sirius, Pete and Lily all seemed to have some sort of nonverbal conversation, four pairs of eyes darting around.
“What?” James demanded.
“Um,” Sirius shifted his gaze around the circle. “We…have another surprise for you?”
“Another one?”
Remus turned to Sirius, smirking (smirking!). “Want to show him?”
Sirius shrugged, leant forward, and kissed Remus full on the lips. Remus kissed back very enthusiastically, and soon Peter was saying, “Ew, ew, ew, stop!” and Lily was grinning ear to ear.
James was speechless.
“But you…what–when did–Sirius!”
Sirius broke off the kiss. “Yes?” he said, sounding somewhat dazed.
“When did this happen?”
Remus tilted his head, considering. “Since…how long did you say it was since you’d seen us with anybody? Start of sixth year?”
“Sixth year!?” James said incredulously. “And you- oh, Merlin, you let me go around and make an arse of myself for weeks trying to set you up!” He put his head in his hands.
“It was pretty funny,” Remus said, grinning.
“And you!” James turned to face Lily, who at least had the sense to look a bit sheepish. “You were in on it?”
“I knew, yes.”
“Knew?” Sirius said. “It’s thanks to her that we’re even together! Pulled my head out of my arse for me back in sixth year, Evans did.”
Remus nodded emphatically. “Yeah, we wouldn’t be here without Lils. I’m afraid she beat you to the punch with all the matchmaking.”
“Oh,” said James. “And what about you, Wormy?”
“I just have eyes, mate,” Peter said. “It’s honestly beyond me how you didn’t notice sooner. The sexual tension in fifth year was abysmal.”
And, well, James supposed that was fair. “Alright,” he said. “But why didn’t you tell me sooner? You know I would never have an issue with it, right?”
Sirius sighed. “Yeah, we know that. It was just a difficult thing to say, you know? Like, it was different when people guessed compared to if we told you outright, because it was…making it real? Not that it wasn’t real, but just…it’s hard to explain.” He swallowed. “It’s like Remus and I had this thing that was ours, and it was sort of sacred because of that, and telling people invited scrutiny and we didn’t want that. But I think that was our own insecurities more than anything.” He turned to Remus. “At least that’s what it was for me. Was it different for you?”
Remus smiled at him. “No, I think you covered it,” he said softly. He shifted his gaze to James. “We actually were going to tell you. That’s why Pads told you he was gay. It was like a stepping stone to the truth about us.” He grinned. “But then you had to go and balls it up by trying to set us up together and, honestly, how could we resist?”
“Oh,” said James. “I’ve been a right idiot, haven’t I?”
“Maybe slightly,” Lily said.
“I don’t know what to say,” James shook his head. “I still can’t get past the image of Moony and Snape together.”
Sirius wrinkled his nose. “Ugh,” he said. “I want to say it was worth it for the prank, but honestly, I don’t know that it was.”
“Hearing that through the door– hang on!” James exclaimed. “How’d you even know I was listening to your date?”
Remus looked at him, unimpressed. “We’ve lived with you for years, mate, we knew you’d listen. Besides, we had Lils to make sure.”
“But…I told you there was a silencing spell on the door.”
“I’m a werewolf, James, I can tell when there are silencing spells,” Remus said, rolling his eyes.
“You can?”
“Yup. Especially at night, when they’re around your bed.”
Sirius and Pete snickered.
It was Lily’s turn to roll her eyes. “Remus, Sirius,” she said. “Go down to the kitchens and get us some food. We’re feeding James to make up for the emotional distress we’ve caused him.”
“Aye aye, Evans,” Sirius saluted her. He kissed James on the forehead. “Sorry, Prongs.”
James waved him off. “It’s fine. I would’ve done the same to you, honestly.”
Sirius grinned. “Knew you’d see the humour in it. Let’s go, Moonymine.” He took Remus by the hand and led him from the room.
✩
James was sitting in the most comfortable armchair in the common room, piled with blankets and pillows and surrounded by plates containing various sweets that were floating around, all within arm’s reach. He knew he was being coddled – especially by Remus, who felt terrible after making him cry – but he quite liked it, actually. He’d have to get pranked more often. Lily was playing Peter in chess (all his pieces had been summoned from where they were spread across the dorm) and Remus was curled on one end of the sofa, his head bent over a book as usual with a cup of tea suspended in the air by his head; courtesy of Sirius.
And Sirius himself was in the chair next to James, watching Remus with a small smile on his face. He was more relaxed than ever before, and James got the feeling that, in telling him about his relationship, the last vestiges of Sirius’ armour had been shed, and – after so many years of hiding things – he was here in all his open glory at last.
“You really love him?” James asked.
“Yeah,” said Sirius softly, not taking his eyes off Remus. “I really do.”
And James thought that was all that mattered, really.