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Trisha knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. Of course she’d tried to kid herself that as soon as Van got back, everything would immediately go back to the way it was before and they wouldn’t have to worry about anything, but the fact remained that things simply couldn’t go back to the way they were before. Everything was different now. And true, Van might look the same as he had always done, and have come back to the house wearing pretty much exactly the same clothes he left in all those years ago, but she herself looked different, ten years older than she had been back then. Not old by any stretch of the imagination, she was only thirty-seven, but there was something in the back of her mind that reminded her that she was now physically the same age as Van had been when he’d stopped ageing. This was the moment when she would start to overtake him whilst he would remain the same.
Which was why, when she saw Van walking up the garden path, all she could do was stare out of the kitchen window at him, rooted to the spot.
For all these years, she’d always known how the reunion would go. She would see him coming up the path and she would run out to meet him and jump into his arms, and probably knock him over because he was a klutz, but he’d catch her and everything would be all right. She’d thought that this would be how it would go up until this very moment, and she couldn’t make herself move. All she could do was stand here, frozen to the spot, not quite able to believe that after all this time, he was actually here.
Maybe she’d been naive about the whole thing; maybe it had all been wishful thinking on her part to envision such a typical movie reunion. The moment was here, finally, the moment that she had tried so hard to convince everyone around her would happen. She had always believed that he would come back even when no one else did, even when her own children didn’t. And he had come back and proved her right and justified her faith in him, and why couldn’t she move ?
He stopped in front of the house, looking up at the whitewashed facade and green facings, just the same as it had been on the day that he left it, and him looking just the same as the day that he left it, but Trisha could feel every one of those ten years settling into her mind and her body now, because things just weren’t the same anymore. Edward and Alphonse had grown up, they were young men now instead of the little boys they had been when Van had left. Did he even realise that? Being so long-lived naturally meant that his perception of time was skewed; did he even realise what ten years meant in the life of a small child?
Then his gaze dropped to the kitchen window, and he saw her, and for what felt like an absolute eternity, they just stared at each other through the glass.
She didn’t know what it was that made her flee away from the window, out of the kitchen and into the hallway, pressing herself flat against the wall and closing her eyes against the whirlwind of emotion and the painful ache in her chest, because it’s been ten years and I still love you so, so much, and all I want to do is just fall into your arms again but it’s been ten years and I’ve been so lonely and I’ve been so angry that you left me alone even though I knew you’d come back and you have come back, and it’s been ten years and I’ve missed you so much it hurts but everything is different now and I’ve had to make a life without you in it and it’s been ten years…
Trisha slid down the wall, pressing her hands over her face as she began to sob.
“Mom?” It was Al’s voice. “Mom, are you ok? What’s happened?”
She wanted to explain that they were happy tears, but she couldn’t, because she wasn’t even sure if they were happy tears, and the lump in her throat was too big to speak around anyway. She was happy… but she was also sad and angry and overwhelmed and about twenty-seven other emotions that she couldn’t give voice to.
“Holy crap… Al! Mom! He’s back!”
There was a thunder of footsteps down the stairs that stopped short before they got to the bottom, and the sound of the front door opening, and then nothing. Just silence, broken only by her own snuffling sobs.
“I’m sorry.”
It was so strange, hearing that voice again after ten years of hearing it only in her dreams.
“It’s been so long. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise it would take so long.”
Trisha took a deep breath and wiped her eyes, looking around at the whole weird tableau going on in the hallway. Ed and Al were both halfway down the stairs, with Al looking at her with worry and Ed looking at his father with bloody mutiny and Van still in the doorway looking afraid to step over the threshold of his own home.
“You came back.”
It was a stupid and obvious thing to say, but it was the only thing that she could think of to say. She’d never for a moment thought that he wouldn’t come back, but to have that belief confirmed was something very different to just having it there in the nebulous background.
“I promised I would.”
Van came in then, although he still left the door open behind him as if he was expecting any moment to be turned back out, and he came over to her, crouching beside her and offering a hand to pull her up off the floor. She didn’t want to let go, but at the same time she couldn’t hold on, something inside was stopping her, reminding her of the ten year gulf that had opened up between them and the fact it just couldn’t be bridged so easily.
She pulled her hand out of his, hugging her chest tightly as she looked at those old, old eyes, the same eyes she’d seen reflected in Ed and Al every day whilst he was gone, constantly reminding her how much she missed him.
“I’m sorry I made you cry. And I’m sorry that I’ll have to make you cry again, because I can’t stay long, there’s more to be done, but I was so close to home and I just had to see you.” He looked up at Ed and Al on the stairs, Ed no longer looking quite so murderous but still frowning, and Al no longer looking quite so worried but still concerned. “All of you.”
Trisha just nodded, still unable to think of a single thing to say to the man she loved and had ached for now that he was here in the flesh and she could hold him like she’d spent so long wishing to do.
Finally, words managed to make themselves known, and she hated how shaky and strangled her voice sounded as she said them.
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
Van just smiled, a sad, exhausted smile, but nevertheless, the first brief flicker of hope Trisha had that even though everything was different and difficult and wrong right now, they could make it work and get back to what they had before, even if it took a long time.
“That would be great.”
X
It was so strange, being so close and yet so very far away. Trisha stared up at the bedroom ceiling, completely unable to sleep, before glancing over at the empty half of the bed where Van should be. That half of the bed had been empty for ten years and for those ten years all she’d wanted was to have him back there again, but now he was back, somehow she couldn’t face it.
Van had sensed that she’d needed the space and had asked where he should sleep, and he hadn’t questioned it when she told him the couch. It just seemed so stupid that now he was finally here after ten years of missing him, and he was so close, and she just kept pushing him further away from her.
Well, lying here in the dark wasn’t helping the issue, and if she couldn’t sleep then she might as well try to confront it head on. She grabbed her robe and tiptoed down the stairs, peeping in at the living room door. Van looked over at her from the couch.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” Trisha came into the room fully, closing the door behind her and coming to sit on the end of the couch as Van sat up, pulling his knees up to give her room. “I’m sorry. This wasn’t exactly how I thought our first night back together would go.” She sighed. “I just… I missed you so, so much, Van, but at the same time, I did get used to you not being here. We’ve spent more years apart than we spent together and things just can’t go straight back to the way that they were before.”
“I know. I suppose I didn’t realise how much time was passing. When you have the luxury of having as much time as I have, you tend to take it for granted, even though I know that you and the boys and everyone else doesn’t have that same luxury.”
“I never thought for a moment that you wouldn’t come back, or that you’d forgotten us,” Trisha said. “I knew that what you were doing was important and you couldn’t turn your back on it.” The full story of everything that had been happening and that was currently happening under the country had come out throughout the day ever since Van had returned and Ed had demanded a full and detailed explanation for his absence; Trisha could understand more than ever that not only was this something that could not be left undone, it was something that only Van could do. “I guess I wasn’t expecting it to take so long, and I couldn’t just leave my entire life on hold to wait for you to come back. The boys were growing up, they needed forward momentum. I suppose the awful truth of it is that I don’t know where you fit in our lives anymore. There’s always been a you-shaped hole, but bit by bit, the boys have managed to fill bits of it up with other things and it’s not really you-shaped anymore so you just don’t quite fit into it neatly, even though there’s still a hole that needs to be filled.”
“I understand.”
Trisha curled her legs up under her on the couch, tucking in the end of the blanket around herself for warmth. It reminded her of the evenings they’d spent together in this room, on this couch, under this blanket, when Ed had been on the way. They’d never really had much time when it was just the two of them. They’d only been together for a little over a year before she got pregnant. She remembered just how stunned Van had been when she’d told him; he’d been convinced he wasn’t able to have children because of what he was. She remembered how happy he had been that he finally had the chance to be a father and have a family, and she remembered seeing that happiness wane as Ed was born and got older and Van still thought that he didn’t deserve that happiness.
“I’m glad you’re back. I am so happy that you’re back, please don’t misunderstand that. I still love you, and I still want you just as much as I ever did. I think it’s that I don’t… need you. Not in the same way that I did before. And I don’t think I realised that until I saw you again, and I don’t know how to deal with it.”
“It’s ok.”
“Is it?”
“It’s ok.”
Trisha looked across at him, taking in the way that the moonlight made his hair glow golden, and she smiled.
“It’s unlike you to be the optimistic one.”
Van shrugged. “It’s not being optimistic. It’s being practical, I think. It’s not over yet. I still have more to do. I still don’t know how this is going to end or if it’s going to be successful. There might not be a future for us to make it better in, so yeah. Right now, this is all ok how it is.”
Trisha had to wonder why he would come back so close to the finish, knowing that he would have to leave again. If she was in his shoes, she wouldn’t have come back until it was all over and she could put it behind her completely. But the fact that he wanted to break off and come back, the fact that he was so close to home and he just couldn’t resist coming to see his family after resisting the urge to come back for so long… That meant something, and that gave her hope that if he did come out of whatever was coming on the Promised Day unscathed, then they could make it work again. They could carve out a new niche in their lives that he fit into properly.
Maybe they wouldn’t be able to get back to what they had before, but maybe that was a good thing, because maybe they ought to create something new instead. Start not from scratch, but from a good foundation ten long years in the making.
Trisha felt around under the blanket for Van’s hand, squeezing it and smiling when he returned the pressure.
They’d get through it together, in the end.