Chapter Text
Gillian hated cemeteries. They always creeped her out. She never felt at home visiting her mum. It wasn’t like she was there. F- knows where she was. Gillian guessed in heaven if the place actually existed. Placing the flowers next to the headstone Gillian ran her finger along the engraving as she blinked back tears. God, she fucking missed her mum. She hated that she had not only been a disappointment but she had broken her heart. Yeah, her dad had been angry. It didn’t mean what he said wasn’t true. She was a fuck up, had been for years. Sometimes she wondered why anyone put up with her. This was so f- bloody stupid. Catherine wasn’t going to show, she just wasn’t. Gillian couldn’t even blame her. Though she could and would … fuck Catherine. She had always been there for her even when they were back in school. Who was she to now up and decide Gillian wasn’t worth the trouble anymore? Taking a seat on the grass next to her mother Gillian pulled her knees up to her chest as she thought back to the first time Catherine Cawood had saved her ass.
****************************************************************************************************************************************************
It had been a really pleasant day outside, pretty rare for that time of year. Sunny, warm, and a bit windy. Summer was in the air and Gillian was counting down the days until summer break.
Robbie and Eddie had been fighting again over Gillian, and she was over it. Pushing her uniformed skirt down against the wind she headed over to the fence and plopped down next to her friend.
“I f- bloody hate boys.”
“Oh, what did the two idiots do now?” Catherine asked from her spot on the ground.
“Eddie wanted to, you know, fool around and Robbie called me a slapper 'cause Eddie well he did sumthin’.”
“What did he do Gillian?” Catherine asked, now giving Gillian her full attention. Gillian shrugged as her hands fiddled with the edges of her skirt. “It’s not big deal really. He wanted to make out and we were and then Robbie walked in and called me a slapper. And was going on how I put out for everyone and well he slid his hand up my skirt I guess to make a point and then Eddie punched him and I took off. It’s nothing. Really, it’s not.”
“You are not a slapper,” Catherine said, squeezing Gillian's hand. Catherine made sure her friend had heard her before getting up off the wall. “You don’t let some fucking arseholes tell you differently. I swear boys are useless. They bloody are,” Catherine muttered as Gillian watched her stalk right over to where Robbie and Eddie were fighting. She can still remember Catherine unleashing a tirade of curse words right in Robbie’s face. Right before she punched him square in the nose. That’s all Gillian can clearly remember. The rest was a bit blurry. She did find out later Catherine had only been sent home, not even really punished. Rumor had it the school was lenient because her mum had died that morning before she had been sent to school.
Gillian couldn’t imagine losing her mum or her dad let alone going to school after. She wasn’t strong though, not like Catherine. Catherine was so strong. No one messed with her at school. If they ever did they quickly regretted it. Gillian had wanted to thank her. Thanks to the fight Robbie had finally left her alone. She didn’t get why he didn’t understand she loved Eddie, not him. Too bad she had been so blind and dumb. She should have picked Robbie but this isn’t about either of them. No. It’s about Catherine.
Gillian remembered hearing rumors about the funeral and she saw Clare at school but never Catherine. She didn’t see her again until the Friday before summer break. She came knocking and her dad had let her in. She listened to him, like everyone else, offer his condolences and surprisingly unlike at school Catherine was nice and accepted them.
She had come to take her out to the seaside. She had a bus ticket and a dream, she joked. Her father had agreed and the next day they two had set off before the sun had even come up. The ride had been pretty silent. Catherine was sad, Gillian could tell and Gillian didn’t know what to fucking say. Her mum was gone, her dad too. Nothing she could say could make that better for Catherine. So instead of talking she just held her best friend's hand.
“Thanks for coming today,” Catherine said, finally breaking the silence. “I wanted us to have one last fun day, just the two of us. Before everything changes. I worked doubles all week and I have enough to spoil you. I want you to remember being happy with me. It's hard to remember being happy after the world beats ya down you know?”
“What do you mean, one last day Catherine? We’ll still see each other at school and you can come over.”
Gillian remembered Catherine blinking back tears as she squeezed her hand.
“My bitch of an Aunt, my mother's sister, put her nosey face in our business and now social services know Clare and I were living alone in the flat. I was covering the bills and making sure she got to school. I did what I had to to take care of our Clare. The last thing my mum said to me. I was doing it. But this aunt, we never see her. Her marriage is shit and she has a daughter our age as; stuck up as her mum. Anyways, after she upset our Clare at the funeral she went to social services and said she can take me in but Clare, she’s too much trouble. She wanted her to go into care or something. I told her where she can shove that and she told me I was an ungrateful little sod. So they came around ours and even though the flat was spotless I had food in the fridge ... It wasn’t safe. I’m not eighteen. We can’t live alone. So we're going into care. They will split us up. Clare already has issues. She needs me and I need her. So after this, come Monday we’re leaving. Gonna hide I guess until I can find us a place and then I will get my GCSE’s and get a good job so I can take care of us. We're not going into care, Gillian.”
“I could ask my dad if you could live with us,” Gillian finally got out through her tears that, unlike Catherine's, were falling freely.
“You can’t and you won’t. You know I know. About the baby. There is no way they will keep me and my sister plus you and a baby. It’s fine. I will sort it. I always do. You just remember you are worth a thousand good things and you are going to be a great mum.”
Gillian wasn’t sure how Catherine had found out she was pregnant or what was said the rest of the ride. Gillian also remembered Catherine wiping away her tears before the two of them departed the bus in Bridlington that was the last tear they shed that day.
After they got off the bus the pair walked through the small seaside town taking everything in. They played all the games. Gillian watched in awe as her friend won one after the other, only stopping when she had won Gillian the stuffed sheep she wanted. Then they had a nice meal at a place right on the boardwalk eating their lunch as they watched all the carefree people enjoy the rare warm day. When they were done Catherine paid before she took Gillain’s hand, leading her down the boardwalk to the stairs onto the sandy beach. Gillian couldn’t remember a time she had felt so warm and happy and carefree really. With Eddie, it was different. He liked to take charge and he expected her to follow no matter what they did.
While she followed willingly, never one to stick up for herself, she always ended up hating herself afterward, never able to shake the disappointed looks of her parents from her mind. With Catherine it was different. Yes she was still letting her take the lead. This time like many other times however she knew she’d be safe. Unlike Eddie, Catherine never got her into trouble even when they snuck a fag during school or the one time they practiced kissing in the girl's locker room after gym. The pair walked until they were under the boardwalk. Sitting on the sand Catherine waited until Gillian joined her before she finally spoke again.
“You know I love ya and care for you. If it wasn’t for me mum dying I'd fight Eddie and Robbie for ya, I would. But you are having a baby and our Clare needs me. She's not doing well. I have to be the parent now. I gotta make sure they don’t split us up. I just wanted you to know if I could I would choose you … if you wanted me,” Catherine added the last part, her eyes trained on the waves, not daring to meet Gillians just in case she rejected her. Gillian to her credit didn’t run or get disgusted, she just scooted closer as she put her head on her best friend's shoulder.
“I know I messed everything up getting pregnant. My dad’s going to kill me.”
“You didn’t mess anything up. My mum dying did. Maybe it’s a sign you should be with Eddie. He’s a bit of a dickhead. But dickheads are everywhere. He could be a good dad and, you know, love you one day.”
“He’s not you.”
“No he’s not, but life is what it is Gill. We can’t cry over it. Just gotta keep going.”
“I know. I’m sorry about your mum though.”
‘Thanks. I’m sorry too. Wish I could cry. I tried. I just can’t. Clare says I’m broken. Maybe she’s right. Anyways, I didn’t come here to be sad. I needed to see you and maybe find some hope.”
“Hope’s good. Got any ideas on how we can keep being hopeful?”
“I do actually. Saw this movie where this teen girl and guy fell in love and they were best friends. One went away to the war and one stayed behind. When he came back to tell his best friend he loved her - her letters were all that kept him going - he found her pregnant and engaged. Apparently, though, they had made a pact that when they were older if they were alone and not married or dating they’d be together no matter what. I was thinking we could do that. Make a pact you know just in case. I may never get married and you and Eddie may not work out. It’s stupid I know.”
“No. No, I like this idea. So what, when we're super old, like, forty do we look each other up?”
“Forty isn’t old. I think fifty-eight is a good number. We get to fifty-eight and were single and alone we meet up at the hill.”
“Yeah, we can get married and see the world. I have always wanted to go to America. Or Paris.”
“Well if we are single I will take you to both I promise. Now we gotta seal the deal so spit or blood? You choose.”
Grimacing at the choices, Gillian decided to go with the blood. Blood was permanent, well more permanent than spit was.
Nodding Catherine pulled out her pocket knife cutting a line across her palm before doing the same to Gillian. “Okay, so it’s official. If we aren’t married or dating anyone we will meet at the hill by the gravesite on my fifty-eighth birthday.”
“Why yours and not mine?” Gillian asked with a smirk.
“Oh shut up. Mine comes first is all. So you in or not Buttershaw?”
“I’m in,” Gillian said before she reached out and took Catherine's cut hand in hers. The rest of the night was a bit hazy. She did remember though Catherine taking the time and care to bandage her up, pressing a kiss to her hand once she was done. Little did Gillian know that would be the last tender touch she would feel in years.