Archive of Our Own ^beta

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.  

Unless you’re Mark Lee. 

Unless you’re Mark Lee and you’re spending your first Christmas as a single and heartbroken man. 

You see, Mark used to love the holidays. The decorations, peppermint flavoured everything, the music, the coziness, the presents, he waited 11 months just for December to roll around. 

So when his boyfriend of 7 years breaks up with him in November, he knows this year, Christmas is going to suck. Hard. 

Because every year, Mark and Johnny would pack up Johnny’s car and drive across the country to spend a week with each of their families doing all the things that made him love the holidays. 

This year, Mark looks across his bedroom and sees the bag and suitcase he had packed, for just himself. He has to remember to make time to pick up the rental before he drives 6 hours on his own because Johnny won’t be driving this time.

And Mark hates driving alone.

There won’t be anyone to cuddle up to in front of the fireplace, or hand to hold when it gets cold, or to kiss under the mistletoe. Part of the reason Mark loved the holidays was being able to spend it with Johnny and he’s not sure how he’s going to look forward to it now that he and Johnny were a thing of the past.

He snaps out of his sulking daze when his phone rings, he glances at the screen like he still thinks he’ll find Johnny’s name flashing at him with a photo of him smiling.

“Hi, mom,” he says with a smile. A call from her was usually the remedy for all problems, although his problems never felt this irreparable before. 

“Hi, sweetie! I wanted to get you on the phone to make sure you were still planning on coming down on Friday?”

Right, there’s no escaping that, “yeah, I’ll be there around noon.”

“Oh good! It feels like ages since you’ve visited, I’ve missed you,” she coos and it makes Mark feel guilty because he hasn’t been calling home as frequently as he used to.

“I missed you t—“

“And Johnny,” she says brightly.

“Me to…huh?”

He can feel his heart leap before it sinks. The realization dawns on him in a slow burn.

“I haven’t seen Johnny around in so long, everyone is so excited to see him again. I’m planning on making all his favourites, your dad made sure to buy the right-sized pyjama set for him after last year’s pants came up to his calves. Now, make sure you don’t let him drive the entire way, okay? I read on the internet about how many accidents happen when you drive tired and I don’t want to see any of that from the two of you,” his mom rattles, not realizing the horror that was growing on the other end.

Mark can only sit immobilized in silence, his mouth hanging open, attempting to find the right words to explain how he was feeling.

Oh fuck. 

Did he forget to tell his parents that they broke up?

Shit, shit, shit, in the depressive mole-garbage-person haze he was in the last month and a half, he completely forgot to tell his parents. 

In fact, the only reason his own friends found out about the breakup was because Johnny’s friends told them first.  Which had actually stung, it made him realize how relieved Johnny must’ve been to finally be done with their relationship that he ran off to tell all his friends as soon as he could. He probably celebrated that night to have escaped from the ball and chain that was Mark. 

Wait, he’s getting distracted. 

“Uhmm, I’m not sure if Johnny can come this time.” 

The silence is a beat too long before she reacts, “what?! Why?”

“I think he really wants to see his parents this year and I really want to see you guys so we agreed to spend this one apart,” the lie feels awkward and while he didn’t love deceiving his mom, attempting to tell her the truth felt physically impossible.

“You—really?” She sounds hesitant and for a moment, he thinks she’s going to accept his lie.

But then he remembers this is his mother he was talking to.

“Y-Yeah,” he has to clear his throat to cover the way his voice cracks.

She clicks her tongue, obviously disappointed, “can’t you ask him to come for a few days then? We’ll even buy him a plane ticket so he can fly straight to his parents after.”

“Mom, that’s not fair to ask of him. He already feels bad,” the lying is starting to get natural that it almost feels like something Johnny would actually do.

“But Nana was so excited to see him, she knitted him a scarf,” he can hear the downtrodden pout in her voice already. Didn’t take her too long to crack that one out.

His grandma loved Johnny the minute they met. She doted on him and praised him like he was the second coming of Jesus. And Johnny adored her just as must since his own grandparents had passed when he was young.

“She’ll see him some other time, I promise.” He doubts it, but what’s one little white lie? 

“You don’t know how long we have left with her. I’m not sure she’ll be with us next Christmas,” she says somberly.

He gasps and straightens up, “Mom!”

“Please! Can’t you just ask him? We made so many plans that included him. Plus we wanted to take the family Christmas photo and all the cousins have been talking non-stop about him. Even your sister wants to see him.”

Ugh, his sister and her insufferable husband. They don’t want to ‘see’ him, they just want to flaunt their perfect nuclear family in their face. They were so bitter that he and Johnny had been together longer but gloated over the fact that they still weren’t married. 

“Mom…stop guilt-tripping me into guilt-tripping him,” he says firmly. He would stand his ground, unwavering like a Great Oak and she would have no choice but to back down and let him have his way. A fool-proof plan.

His mom sighs, forlornly, he’s sure if she was a Victorian painting, she would be draped listlessly across an ottoman staring out the window, “just think about poor old Nana who doesn’t have much time left. What if she died without seeing Johnny even though that was the only thing she’s been looking forward to? You could say that he’s the only reason she’s living.”

“Fine! He’ll come.”

Hang on. 

What. 

“That’s amazing! Thank you so much, sweetheart! I’ll go tell your dad to book a ticket out. Oh, Nana will be so pleased.”

The Great Oak just got played by his mother. 

And he let her win. 

————

Mark paces around his room for 30 minutes before he finally decides to call Johnny. 

He spent most of that 30 minutes debating just lying and telling his mom that he tried to convince Johnny but couldn’t make it work with his schedule. But his parents already bought the ticket for him and clearly really wanted to see Johnny. 

So he decides that it’s now or never (no matter how tempting ‘never’ was).

The call rings and rings and he can’t help but feel a little relief when no one picks up. Maybe this is a bad idea that he can chalk up as a butt dial. Maybe calling his ex out of nowhere after nearly 2 months of radio sile—

“Mark?”

Fuck off, you’ve got to be kidding. 

He actually picked up. 

And he sounds so good.

Mark loved Johnny’s voice whenever it got deep and rumbly, he usually struggled to focus when he spoke like that. 

Why does he want to cry right now?

“Um…hi?”

There’s a beat of silence before Johnny speaks, “why…are you calling? Is everything alright?”

He doesn’t sound annoyed so much as just confused and apprehensive. And Mark can’t blame him, every second that passes, the situation becomes more and more bizarre. 

“How—how are you?” He choked out with a wince. 

He can almost imagine Johnny’s eyebrows creasing together, “you called me to ask that?

“No, not exactly. I actually wanted to know what your Christmas plans were this year,” he grits out.

“Why?” Johnny asks, incredulous. 

Mark picks at the loose thread on his jeans, “well…my mom was asking about you.”

“Again, I have to ask why?”

Mark squeezes his eyes shut as if it will help him turn invisible during the conversation, “Welll—“

“Mark, just spit it out. What happened,” he sounds impatient and it makes Mark feel the size of an ant. Johnny must truly hate him if he sounds this irritated just talking to him on the phone. 

He bites the bullet, “there’s a slight possibility that I forgot to tell my family we broke up and now they expect you to be coming over for the holidays like you always do and she called to ask and I just couldn’t tell her and now she thinks we’re driving in together on Friday.”

The beat of silence feels like it drags on for hours. He wonders how much he’d worsen the situation if he just hangs up.

“Mark, what the fuck? Why didn’t you tell them? It’s been a month and you talk to your mom once a week,” he sounds so gobsmacked that he can’t even sound angry. He’s probably too stunned at Mark’s idiocy to ever muster up another emotion.

“I just forgot, okay? I was miserable and didn’t want to have to rehash the shitty thing that made me miserable every time I talked to them,” he spits it out like rancid milk on his tongue because of all people to have to admit this to, Johnny is the last of it. 

Johnny sighs and Mark can already feel him retreating from the impending argument, “I’m not going to help you lie to them, Mark.”

“But my mom already bought you tickets so you can fly out and see your parents right after,” he tries, cringing at his own desperation. He’s practically whining and throwing a tantrum. 

“My parents are on a cruise until the New Year.”

“Even better! You’ll have something to do now,” he does his best to sound enthusiastic but it falls flat even to his own ears. 

“Mark, my answer is no,” Johnny’s tone is firm but Mark was pretty good at convincing him. Although that was back when he was dating him.

He’s not above begging, although it’s hard to tell if it’s because he really wants him to say yes or if he wants to keep him on the phone. It’s been the longest they spoke since he ended thing, “C’mon, please? I can’t spend the entire week hearing them pity me and speak in that cooing voice whenever they feel sorry for me. And Giselle’s going to be even more of a pain in the ass, gloating about her boring husband and ugly future kid.”

Johnny huffs as if this entire conversation was a minor thorn in his side, “Mark. Just talk to them. It won’t be that big of a deal. They’ll be surprised but they’ll get over it. And even if I did go with you and pretend, you’d still have to eventually tell them the truth.”

“Johnny, ple—“

He cuts him off and his voice has an edge to it now, his frustration is clearly building, ”I’m not going to play pretend every time you have a family function. If anything, this is better, they haven’t seen me in a while, and it’ll explain a lot. Just tell them we drifted apart or something.”

How can he talk about this so easily?

“Just casually drifted apart? After 7 years?” The venom is sharp in his tone as he snaps back. Because fuck Johnny for acting like it was normal for a long-term relationship to end so feebly. ‘Drifting apart’ is what couples who date for a couple of months do. Not couples who planned to stay together forever. Even get marri—never mind. “Yeah, you know what, maybe you’re right. I’ll just phase you out of our lives and it’ll be like you were never there in the first place.”

He sighs again, “Mark.”

"You seriously won’t help me?” He barks, sick of hearing him say his name in that exhausted tone. Johnny used to say his name like it tasted like honey on his tongue. Now it comes out sour and tired.

“Just tell them the truth.”

“What about Nana?” It’s a last-ditch effort.

“Wh—-“

“Mom says Nana was asking about you. She’s looking forward to seeing you and was knitting a scarf just for you,” he knows his mom used that line to trick him into coming, who said he can’t try the same maneuver on Johnny? 

There’s a moment of pause that makes him think he’s successfully convinced him. But it doesn’t last long, “No, Mark, I’m not changing my mind. I’m sorry but I gotta go. Take care of yourself.”

The call cuts out and Mark sits with my phone pressed to his ear for a full minute before dropping his phone to his side. He drops his back onto his bed and stares at his water-stained ceiling. Maybe there was a part of him that hoped that after speaking with Johnny, he’d get a sense that he was still in love with him. That this entire thing was an easily fixable misunderstanding.

At the very least, he thought that he’d miss him even a little.

Johnny was clearly fine with cutting Mark off at the root. 

But the truth is that Mark’s not ready for that. He still needs Johnny in his life, he’s not ready to live his life without him.

When you think you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a person and they suddenly leave, you end up spending the rest of your life missing them and what you could’ve had.

His head throbs as he thinks of having to come up with a lie to explain why Johnny’s not coming with them or maybe even telling them the truth about everything. 

They’re going to spend the entire week making small comments, acting as if it was them that Johnny fell out of love with. And Giselle, god, she’s going to have a field day when she finds out that his long-term boyfriend ended things while she got her boyfriend of 2 years to marry and have a baby with her.

Mark stares at his suitcase and presses his hands to his eyes as they fill with tears. He crawls under his blankets and curls into himself. He’s never been okay with the way they fell apart, he’s spent the last month in a vacuum, barely operating, barely holding it together. He feels like dying inside the entire time. 

Meals needed to be made for one, shows didn’t have to be put on hold to be watched together, weekends were suddenly wide open without any plans, no hands to hold, no one to cuddle or kiss. No one to feel at home with.

How long had Johnny fallen out of love with him? And how unhappy was he that he only ever told Mark about it once he was certain he wanted to end things? 

He didn’t even have a chance to make it better.

Johnny just didn’t want him and that was the end of that.

He hates this so much. 

————

He jolts awake when his phone rings and he sees Johnny’s name light up, he wonders why he hasn’t deleted his number yet. Then again, he still has 7 years' worth of photos, mementoes and 4 of Johnny’s hoodies in his closet that he hasn’t tossed yet.

“H’llo?” He slurs while squinting at the clock on his bedside table. 

3:03am

“I’ll do it.”

Mark’s still fighting against his sleep and isn’t quite sure what’s happening, “huh?”

“Christmas with your family. I’ll do it. You still live at your old place, right? I’ll pick you up on Friday.”

“Uh…yeah, okay.”

“Okay, I’ll see you then. Good night.”

“I—um. Oh, okay good night?”

Johnny hangs up first and Mark lays back down, wide awake, holding his phone to his chest. 

What the fuck just happened?

————

Mark is bundled up in a coat, scarf, and hat waiting in front of his apartment with his suitcase and overnight bags by his feet. 

Johnny had texted that he was a couple of minutes away and he can’t help shifting nervously on his feet. He’d spent the last two days in a fugue state, trying to overcome the shock of Johnny actually agreeing. When he woke up the morning after, he almost thought he’d dreamt the entire thing until Johnny texted asking what time they’d need to leave. 

And here he comes, rolling up to the curb in his silver Toyota covered in street salt splatter. 

Johnny had saved up for it after he got promoted at the accounting firm he works at. He was so excited and had crowned himself Mark’s personal chauffeur. He’d wake up in the middle of the night to pick Mark up after he’d gone bar-hopping with friends even though he said he’d take an Uber.

Johnny turns his hazards on before getting out. They share and tense, awkward smile and Mark’s lungs fill with the icy cold air. It was going to be 6 hours of this, wasn’t it? 

He’s grateful when Johnny pops open the trunk and reaches for his suitcase, carrying it to the car, otherwise, he’s sure they’d just be standing in the cold, too afraid to be the first to speak, “oh! Thanks.” 

Johnny just nods and Mark follows him with the overnight bags. Johnny has his own small suitcase already packed in so Mark squeezes his bags in the gaps. He doesn’t make eye contact when Johnny shuts the trunk and walks to the driver’s side. Mark just hurries over to the passenger door and gets in. 

He buckles up and takes a minute to pull off the extra layers now that Johnny’s got the heat on blast. It’s only when he has his scarf folded in his lap that he realizes he’s worn the matching set that he and Johnny had bought a few Christmases ago. He doesn’t dare look to see if Johnny’s noticed and just tucks it under his thigh, out of sight. 

Johnny pulls off from the corner and sets off. 

T-minus 6 hours to go.

————

After sitting in complete silence except for Johnny’s Spotify playlist and the occasional GPS narration, Mark finally clears his throat and breaks the awkward silence. 

“So, I guess we should make sure we’re on the same page about this week?”

Johnny tenses for a split- barely noticeable -second like he’s forgotten that Mark’s been sitting next to him. He looks over at Mark from the side of his eyes and just raises his eyebrows as if to tell him to continue. If he’s planning on not talking the entire drive, this will be a million times more painful than it needs to be.

“When we get there, we should act like we’re still together. PDA, affection, all that stuff. It shouldn’t be that hard, since we’ve done this before. O-Obviously no fighting and the PDA probably won’t be more than sitting next to each other and holding hands, but we should act like we always did…you know, before…we broke up,” the last part trails off as he fights off the clawed grip tightening around his chest. 

“Then what?”

Mark flinches at his cold tone before looking over at him. He had stormed out after Johnny had broken up with him, they didn’t talk after so he never had to know what he’d sound like, distant and unfamiliar. 

“Um, what do you mean?”

“When are you going to tell them that we broke up?”

Mark clenches his teeth tight and digs his fingers into his thighs, “after. I’ll wait a few weeks after New Year’s and just make something up. I’ll be back at my place so they can’t smother me with questions. Happy?”

“I’m not the bad guy, here,” Johnny grinds out, “I’m not the one that put us in this situation.” 

Mark rolls his eyes and looks away because he’s right. He’s not allowed to be mad at Johnny when he’s the one doing Mark a favour. He didn’t have to say yes, he has nothing to gain from going along with this facade. It’s not like he’ll have any relationship with the Lees once this is over. 

He’s saving Mark from a colossal amount of embarrassment and nosy questions. 

“You’re right,” he mumbles while keeping his gaze averted, “thanks.” 

They pull up to a red light (because of course they do) and Johnny turns to look at him, confused, “huh?”

“For agreeing to come and hang out with your ex-boyfriend’s family for an entire week. I never said thank you for that. So…thank you.”

The turns green and Johnny looks away before hitting the gas, “don’t worry about it. I don’t mind it as much as I should.”

T-minus 4 hours and counting.

————

Mark nods off for a good chunk of the drive and wakes up a while later to see the sun shining brightly, hanging high in the sky, reflecting off the white of the snow. Johnny has sunglasses on now, but Mark doesn’t comment on it, he just stays leaned against the window and peers out of it. 

It’s weirdly comforting to see Johnny listens to the same music as if it would be rational for a person to completely change in a month and a half. It’s nice to know that there are still things that he knows about Johnny that only he knows because Johnny chose to love him and let him in. 

The drive is smooth and for a few songs, it’s almost bearable. The silence doesn’t feel as stifling and the panic to fill silences with small talk is almost gone at this point. 

But then the song changes. 

Mark feels his heart leap up his throat when Taylor Swift’s You Are In Love starts to play. 

“Why do you like this song so much?” Mark asked from the passenger seat. 

Johnny just smiled and took their laced hands and rested them on his thigh, “can’t I just like a song 'cause it sounds good?”

“Uh, not when you listen to it on repeat 12 times. I love Ms. Swift but I think you have a problem,” Mark snarked.

He bloomed when Johnny threw his head back and laughed, one hand tight on the wheel. He was gorgeous, he bet Taylor Swift wrote songs about men like him. Beautiful that they took your breath away and replaced it with poetry, it made every day with them feel like you’d stolen something magical. 

“This song…it reminds me of you,” he says softly, “I think of you whenever it comes on. I put it on repeat because I like thinking about you.” 

Mark’s heart flipped and squeezed as if Johnny reached in and gave it a hug. The song was painfully pure and romantic and after hearing it over and over whenever Johnny drove or connected his speakers when at his apartment, he’d start thinking of Johnny whenever it came on. 

‘Cause you can hear it in the silence 

You can feel it on the way home 

You can see it with the lights out 

You are in love, true love, 

You are in love

The song ended and before the next one could play, he took Johnny’s phone and started the song back from the beginning. He could see Johnny’s curious stare and he couldn’t help but blush under it, “I think it’s starting to grow on me.”

“You—“

Before he can get another word out, Johnny presses a button on the steering wheel and changes the song without flinching, without his face twitching. It’s as if he’s flicking through a song he doesn’t recognize. 

It cuts a little deep. 

“Are you okay if we stop for gas?” Johnny asks even though he’s already changing lanes.

“S-Sure,” he can really use a stretch and some distance. 

Johnny hums and pulls into a service centre, stopping in front of a gas pump terminal.

“I’ll pay,” Mark says softly while taking off his seatbelt and opening the door, “I owe you for making you drive up with your own car.”

Johnny doesn’t reply but gives him a terse nod as he gets out of the car. They used to fight over who paid when they first went out and after a while, they didn’t even need to talk about it, one of them would pull out their card. There were no eggshells to walk on. 

He scurries off into the gas station to pay but goes through the aisles of snacks first, to grab some things for the road. It’s hard to unlearn someone you spent years trying specifically to learn everything about. It’s second nature to have your eyes light up when you see something that reminds you of them or reaches for the bag of chips you know they like. 

Mark hesitates for a minute, wondering if it’s crossing some invisible line to buy Johnny’s favourite snack. He glances out the window to where Johnny is standing next to his car and feels time slow and distorts around him. 

Johnny tilts his head back and runs his fingers through his hair, pushing it off his forehead, and slicking it back before slipping his hand back into the pocket of his jeans, the other holding onto the gas pump. He’s slouched, his shoulders up to his ears to fight off the cold and his nose buried into his collar. His sunglasses rest on the tip of his nose so he can peer over the frames to watch the meter. 

Mark’s throat goes dry, Johnny had always been so handsome but there was a shyness to him that made him go weak in the knees. He was so gentle and goofy that it softens the intimidation that surrounded how hot he was and the easy charisma he walks around with.

When Johnny removes the nozzle and hooks the pump back in the holder, he glances over in the direction of the gas station. Mark ducks, even though it’s probably impossible to see him from all the way over there. 

The cashier looks at him funny, so he gives him a weak smile and grabs a pack of twizzlers that are in front of his legs and two cans of coffee before rushing over to pay. 

He needs to pull it together. Just because he has to spend the next week pretending to be in love with Johnny to trick his family, doesn’t mean he should be playing the part when he’s alone. That man broke his heart and tossed their 7-year relationship away like it was nothing.  

Who walks away from all of that after only saying, ‘I think we need time apart’?

T-minus 2 hours remaining. 

————

Traffic is worse than usual, likely the result of everyone heading out to visit family and loved ones, but they don’t arrive at Mark’s parents’ house until well after 3pm.

But at least they make it one piece.

T-minus 0 hours remaining. 

The exterior of the house is already decked out with lights strung across the gutter, plastic reindeer deer lawn ornaments and an inflated snowman. Despite the completely insane circumstances they’re in, he’s excited to be home, it fills him with the warm gooey feelings you get drinking anything peppermint-flavoured. 

He keeps his overnight bags slung over each shoulder with Johnny dragging both their suitcases up the front porch. There’s a giant wreath hung on the door and giant festive planters on either side of the door.

He barely has his hand reaching for the doorbell when the door swings open revealing his mother. 

“Hi mo—“

“Johnny!”

Mark can only watch, slack-jawed, as his mother blows past him and straight to Johnny. Man, he knows his mother loves Johnny and that he was one of the only boyfriends of his that she ever approved up but this is a little much. Even for her. 

“Oh honey, why did Mark make you carry all these heavy bags? Did you bring your car? I told Mark not to let you drive the entire way. You look so thin, have you been eating?” 

She’s fussing over him and he’s witnessing the growing blush across Johnny’s face from all the attention, in real-time, “wow, hello to you my dearest mother who carried me in her womb for 9 months. I missed you, we share DNA.”

“Oh hush,” she gently smacks his arm but she’s beaming at the sight of him, “aw, Mark you look so good, sweetheart. Your poor mom’s missed you both so much. Come in, you two must be so tired from the drive.”

They step into the house and it’s like they’re transported to the seasonal, Christmas section of every department store. There’s tinsel, fairy lights, and ornaments hung up on every surface. The entire place smells like pine and mulled wine. 

And god, it feels like home.

They drop their bags by the foyers and pull off their coats, “it looks so good in here, mom. Holy shit.”

“Language,” she tsks but she’s grinning proudly. 

“Rufus?” Johnny’s got his ‘I just saw something so cute I’m going to die’ voice as he crouches down, “Rufus what’re you doing, buddy? When did you turn into a reindeer? You gonna deliver presents this year, boy?”

Mark has to admit that when Rufus, the 12-year-old family dog, waddles in with a felt reindeer headband and jingle bell collar, he steals the show. He walks straight into Johnny’s arms and pants excitedly as Johnny gives him a thorough rub.

Mark has to force himself to look away, “where’s Dad and Gi?”

“They went to pick up some takeout for dinner.”

“No wonder the birds are chirping and the sound of children laughing is still in the air.”

“Don’t be mean to your sister, did she tell you that she and Kevin are trying for a baby? It’s exciting. We’re going to have a little one running around soon.”

Mark crunches his nose up and Johnny lets out a small snort behind him. He knows very well the intense love-hate relationship the Lee siblings have, “great, more versions of the two most boring people alive.”

“How about, instead of insulting your wonderful older sister, you have some eggnog,” he can hear the ascending tone in her voice so he obediently follows her into the living room where she’s set up a bowl of eggnog and a handful of treats. 

“The tree looks great, Ms. Lee,” Johnny says as he comes up behind Mark.

His mom stands proudly in front of their 8 ft Christmas tree. The theme this year had been retro so all the ornaments are shades of metallic blue, green, purple and gold. She really did outdo herself this year. It’s beautiful. 

“Isn’t it? I was debating going all white and silver but I thought this would be more fun!”

Mark wanders around the tree, getting a close-up look at all the little details that his mom put into it when he notices the mantle on the fireplace, “oh, the stockings are up.”

It’s a punch in the gut when he sees the ‘J’ hanging next to the ‘M’. His parents really treated Johnny like he was another son. He was an honorary member of the family and he has no idea how they were going to take the news that Johnny wasn’t going to be coming around after this.

He’s pulled out of his revere when his mother takes them around the house, pointing out all the decor and DIY pieces she’s made. By the time they make it back to the foyer, the front door opens revealing the remaining Lee family members. 

“Oh hey, you guys are here already. I was wondering whose car was out front,” his sister says when he strides in. 

Mark rolls his eyes at her nonchalance, “you know what Johnny’s car looks like. Good to see you too, Giselle.”

“Two suitcases? Are you moving back home or something?” Giselle sneers as she walks past the foyer where their belongings were. His sister knocks her heel against Mark’s suitcase as her boring husband Kevin gives them an awkward smile and wave as he carries in bags of takeout. 

Fuck. 

He forgot that he and Johnny used to share one big suitcase whenever they travelled together in the past. They swapped clothing all the time and wanted to save space. How was he going to explain this?

“Stop bullying your brother, Gi. Johnny’s flying out to spend the holidays with his family, of course, he needs his own suitcase,” his dad says as he walks in after them.

That works. 

Nice save, Dad.

His father grins and shakes Johnny’s hand before slapping him heartily on the back, “it’s good to see you, son. You’ve gotten taller and I’m not happy about it.”

Johnny chuckles, “I have to keep you on your toes, Mr. Lee.”

“In my old age? It’s still good to see you, it feels like it’s been too long. How are your parents?”

They chat back and forth about how his family’s doing and Mark’s so distracted trying to follow the conversation he doesn’t notice Giselle creeping up until she’s pinching the skin of his elbow. 

“Ow!” He hisses as he glares at her. 

She sticks her tongue out and sidles up to him, “are the two of you fighting or something? You’re acting weird.”

“I’ve barely been here an hour,” he tries to keep his cool but he’s sweating. If Giselle inherited anything from their mother, it’s her ability to see through bullshit. It drives him mad. 

She narrows her eyes and watches him carefully like she’s trying to figure something out, “there’s something going on with you guys. I’m going to figure it out.”

“You’re insane.”

“And if you were a woman I would’ve said pregnancy.”

He twists his face up, “there’s something wrong with you. How did you brainwash Kevin into marrying you?”

“Black magic,” Kevin jokes awkwardly, and it’s probably the first time he’s actually said something funny.

Giselle shoots him a look but turns back to Mark, her expression still shrouded with suspicion, “hmm…only time will tell what you’re hiding. I’ll figure it out.”

Mark quickly moves away from her and walks up to Johnny while trying to remember how they used to interact. He feels like an alien pretending to be a human. 

He slides his hand into the back pocket of Johnny’s jeans. He flinches a little but is quick to play the part, pausing his conversation with his dad to wrap his arm around Mark’s waist. 

Johnny looks down at him and for a second his features seem to soften and fill with tenderness. He’s such a good actor, posing in front of their entire family as the loving, healthy couple that they used to be.

He opens his mouth and Mark holds his breath but before Johnny can speak, his mom pops her head out and breaks the moment.

“Come on everyone, dinner’s set up on the table.”

————

Dinner is nice at first, they’re starving and between stuffing their mouths, Mark updates his family on things going on at work, the new workout classes he’s been taking and how he’s considering adopting a cat now that he works from home. 

For a minute, his mind is peaceful and not fraught with worry. He almost forgets that the man eating next to him is essentially a stranger now and that he’s lying to the people he loves the most. 

But only for a minute, 

Because after Giselle and Mark finish with their own life updates, the attention moves to Johnny.

“And Johnny, how’s work? You’re still at Neo Tech, right?” His dad asks. It’s an innocent question at first, one that Johnny won’t need to lie about. Mark doesn’t panic just yet.

“Actually, I quit.”

Clang!

Now, he panics.

Mark feels everyone’s eyes swivel to him, especially Johnny’s before he picks up the fork he dropped with a sheepish smile, “sorry, klutz.”

Johnny worked as an accountant at Neo Tech throughout the entirety of their relationship. He started as an intern and then moved his way up until he was a senior accountant. While it was an impressive job with a fat paycheque, it had become the centre of a lot of their arguments. 

Late nights, high stress, working on weekends and vacations, there were times when Mark felt like he only got half of Johnny. The other half had to be behind spreadsheets and financial reports. 

If Johnny was passionate about it, Mark would find a way to be supportive and get over his issues. 

But Johnny was miserable.

He hated going to work every morning and would be an almost manic level of happiness when he came home on Fridays. Saturdays would be great and Sundays he’d be catatonic, refusing to leave the house or even bed, unless for food. 

And regardless, he never even entertained the idea of quitting and had shut down the idea the one time Mark suggested it. 

He quit.  

Mark forces his expression to stay neutral. If he’s been dating Johnny this entire time, if they still lived together, there is no reason why he would be surprised about this revelation. 

He can’t badger Johnny with questions because he’s supposed to already know the answers. 

Giselle sat up, primed and ready to pounce on the potential piece of embarrassing news. Johnny was a few years away from being on the partner track at the firm and he just walked away, “you quit? Seriously? I heard Neo-Tech has the most competitive salaries in the market. Where are you going now?”

“A medium-sized tech company that develops scheduling and planning software. I’m one of the finance managers there,” Johnny never flinches under Giselle’s stare, he never backs down and seems impervious to her attempts to talk down to him.

“Oh…that’s nice,” Mark isn’t sure what Giselle was expecting him to say, maybe that he was unemployed, without a plan, so she could act superior. It was rewarding seeing her back down. 

Johnny shrugs, “it’s certainly not as much money as before but it’s a nice change. It’s a more flexible working arrangement and I get to have responsibilities more similar to a manager. The people are really nice and the culture is healthier too. I actually get home at a reasonable hour and don’t have to be glued to my work email every second.”

“I bet Mark likes that,” her mom teases. 

It’s good-natured, but Mark feels queasy as he looks down at his plate and pokes at the food. 

Why did Johnny make this huge change that Mark’s been wanting him to make for ages, only after they broke up? Mark’s not around to indulge in all the free time or undivided attention Johnny has to offer. Now someone else will get that. 

He’s tearing up, this is so embarrassing. 

“Honestly, in your twenties, you should be working all types of jobs, seeing what companies are out there and learning how they all do things differently. I’m glad you left Neo Tech, at companies like that - you just do what you’re told to do because someone years ago, said it was the right way to do it,” his dad says with a satisfied nod. 

The topic quickly pivots to Giselle and her husband and whatever loser-domestic antics they’ve been up to when her annoying voice cuts through straight to him, “what about you guys? When are you getting married? It’s been like forever.”

“Not anytime soon,” Mark snaps with more punch than he needs. Giselle always made an effort to bully them about marriage whenever she could, “don’t worry, you’ll still be the nation’s ugliest bride for a few more years.”

She doesn’t flinch at his barb and zeros in on the fleshy underbelly he stupidly exposed to her fangs, “seriously? You’ve guys been dating for 7 years and you don’t even have a general idea about marriage? Are you just going to date for the rest of your lives? Or are you planning on waiting it out until you break up?”

“Giselle!” Their mother scolds with a sharp glare. She looks over at Mark and he feels his lungs constricting, her gaze is too probative, too knowing.

She gives their mom an innocent pout, “what? What’s wrong with asking? They’ve been dating longer than Kevin and I did and we’re trying to have kids. It’s bizarre that they haven’t even mentioned engagement.”

“Yeah, keep pestering us about it every time we come over, I’m sure that’ll change things,” he can’t help how angry his voice sounds, it’s enough that even his parents are looking at each other nervously, probably wondering how big of a fight this was going to be, “honestly, Gi, you think everyone wants to live your pathetic WASP mom dream but get over yourself.”

Giselle scoffs and rolls her eyes, “you should be the one that needs to get over yourself. You act like my relationship is somehow less important than yours because you don’t want to admit that even though you two dated longer than me and Kevin, you still aren’t ready to get married. Be honest, there has to be something deeply fractured about your ‘relationship’ if you don’t know if you’re going to get married or not.”

“It’ll happen.”

Mark feels his heart stop when Johnny finally speaks up. 

Everyone looks over at him, curious, and even Mark is a little dumbfounded. What the fuck was he doing? Why was he promising that an engagement was in their future when they were supposed to be doing the opposite? In a few weeks, his family is supposed to learn about their break up. How is it supposed to be a natural separation if he’s promising a wedding? 

“It’ll happen, we’re just waiting for the right time, but I think soon, right baby?”

Mark can’t move, he can’t even fake a smile and nod. Johnny’s making this all worse, he’s raising their expectations about something that will never happen. And it’ll be Mark who’s left trying to explain how they went from talking about an upcoming engagement to breaking up. 

Maybe this is Johnny’s way of getting back at him for making him come with him.

“How soon is soo—“

“That’s enough of that, Giselle. Stop bothering them. We’re happy enough to hear things ate going well. A wedding would be wonderful, but it’ll happen when it happens as they’ve said. Now, who wants dessert?” His mother, a master at disarming heated situations, stands - effectively ending all arguments, “Mark, come help me cut up some pie for everyone.”

He holds back the words on his tongue and just quietly stands with his plate. Before he can walk away, Johnny’s hand comes up and holds his. Mark startles, but Johnny just squeezes his fingers into his palm for a long second before letting go. All without looking up from his plate.

Mark snaps out of his trance and hurries into the kitchen to drop his plate in the sink. He follows where his mom is and stands next to her, setting out dishes for her to place the slices of pie on while she cuts the pie into delicate pieces. They work in silence for a while before she speaks softly. 

“Don’t listen to your sister. There’s nothing wrong with not getting married and waiting until the time’s right. Things are different for your generation. There’s no single right path. Your sister is just working through some things, she has insecurities and she takes it out on you by leveraging the one thing she has over you. But you just have to take things at your own pace. You don’t have to do what you think others expect you to.”

“What if that means no marriage ever?“ He knows it contradicts what Johnny just said, but his mom just gets it.

“All that matters is that you know what this you can compromise on and what you can’t. You can love someone until the day you die but if there are things you can’t compromise on, you have to let them go. You’ll only resent each other if you do. Why? Are you two fighting over something?

He swallows the lump in his throat. Technically they already fought, “no, we’re on the same page.”

They weren’t.

“I was just thinking out loud.”

When they walk out with the pie, the table is quieter, no one really says much aside from commenting on how good the pie is. Rufus is asleep near the fireplace, all toasty and warm, Mark wishes he was Rufus’s size so he can curl up next to him. His parents are mumbling about what they have planned for tomorrow but his eyes are drooping now. It’s not even that late, but suddenly the life feels sucked out of him. 

He fights with Giselle all the time but he really had hoped that it wouldn’t be the first day back. 

“Why don’t you both go take a cat nap? You must be so tired. We’ll wake you up in a couple of hours.”

They agree and shuffle up the stairs and into Mark’s childhood bedroom. He’s exhausted but he has a little bit of fight left in him, “why did you tell them we were going to get engaged? We’re supposed to be breaking up after this.”

Johnny looks incredulous as he drops both their suitcases on the ground and begins unzipping his, “because Giselle was out of line, I was tired, and I wanted her to leave us alone.”

“What am I supposed to tell them now?” He complains. 

Johnny has things for his night routine in his hand as he stands and shoots Mark a bland look, “a lot of couples break up before and after engagements. They won’t think too much about it. I’m going to use the bathroom first, okay?”

Mark swallows down his retort and just nods, watching him walk off. He drops down on the bed and reaches his fingers under the duvet cover where the tips of his fingers trace along the carving. 

ML + JS

They had carved that in with a switchblade they found in some of his stuff a few years ago when they stayed over. The first time they slept in his childhood bedroom, they were giggling and giddy, kissing like they were hiding secrets.

He sits up and his eyes lock in on the little polaroid photo taped on his mirror. Another tradition, every year, they’d put on Santa hats, take a photo and replace the old one. He wonders if they’d do it again this year or if it’d feel too weird. 

He’s regretting asking Johnny to go along with this charade. He should’ve just come clean with his family from the beginning, but it’s too late now. 

When he hears footsteps approaching, he moves back to his suitcase and starts opening it up. Johnny comes, the ends of his hair damp and his clothes swapped out for warm cotton sweats. 

“The bathroom’s free.”

He pulls out clothing items at random before rushing into the bathroom. It’s only after he’s washed up and standing by the doorway of his bedroom, that he realizes a grave miscalculation. 

The dreaded, infamous, ‘there was only one bed’. 

Sleeping together, in both senses of the word, was never a problem for him before. He’s not exactly sure how to navigate it now that Johnny’s tucked under the cover, scrolling on his phone. Is he expected to climb in the other side, or was this a case of Johnny getting the bed and Mark getting the floor because Mark owed him?

Johnny must’ve seen him hovering when he looks up. Even he looks a little uncomfortable, shifting under the blankets, “um, you can get in. I figured we won’t really be able to explain it to your family if someone walks in on one of us sleeping on the ground.”

It makes sense, but that stops Mark’s heart from pounding against his chest. He switches off the light, sets his things on a chair and pads over to the bed. He’s glad it’s dark so no one can see the small smile on his face because Johnny gave him the left side of the bed. 

That was always Mark’s side. 

Old habits die hard. 

Pulling the covers back and laying down feels like it takes years and once he’s tucked in, he can feel Johnny’s heat next to him and suddenly he’s hyperaware of how close they are. The bed is way too small and he’s worried that even rolling away from Johnny would somehow make them touch. 

He just lays still on his back like some sort of sociopath until Johnny sighs and rolls away from Mark, his back facing him. 

The only thing that stops him from going into a minor mental spiral about Johnny turning away from him after years of always turning towards him is the fact that he’s so tired.

He just falls asleep.

 And hopes for the best. 

————

Mark wakes up in the middle of the night and feels sweat on his back. He’s way too warm and it’s so dark that it takes a minute to realize why.

He’s currently pressed up against Johnny’s chest, his face shoves up against his neck and his arm over his sides. Johnny’s fingers are up his shirt and it feels like fucking home. They used to wake up every day in this exact position. 

And Mark is too sleep logged to care, he just cuddles back up against him, takes a long, savouring whiff of his fading cologne and allows sleep to drag him back under. It’s so comforting, it’s entirely too cozy.

The next time Mark wakes up, he’s alone in bed, no one holding him, and he rolls over to find Johnny standing in front of his mirror, getting dressed. 

He looks good too. 

Dark blue jeans, a deep winter green wool sweater and a puffy black jacket. He has to fight the knee-jerk urge to say a flirty ‘ baby, come back to bed, I’m cold’. 

Mark’s voice comes out as a sleep-coated slur, “where are you going?”

Johnny watches him through the reflection in the mirror, “your dad, Kevin and a bunch of your cousins came over. They’re going shopping for last-minute gifts and I agreed to tag along.”

“Oh…do I need to come?” He really doesn’t want to get out of bed to go out with his rowdy cousins. 

Johnny must’ve been able to see the reluctance on his face because he just smiles and tugs a gray beanie over his head, “I’ll tell them you’re still asleep. You’ll have the whole house to yourself.”

“Thank you, my saviour.” 

It almost feels like they’re still together. 

Like they’re still in love. 

Johnny snorts and turns to face him, “do you want me to pick anything up for you?”

“No, I have all the presents I need,” Mark says as he grabs the pillow Johnny was sleeping on and hugs it to his chest, his eyes already weighing heavy as he buries his face into it.

Johnny grins and takes a step forward before his face drops and he stills. He looks away and clears his throat. Mark, even half asleep, knows what he was about to do. Johnny was going to walk over, push his hair back and kiss him on the forehead, telling him he’ll be back soon and that he loves him. It’s the ritual they always do whenever one of them leaves without the other. 

There are a lot of habits they need to get over. 

“I’ll see you around then?” Johnny asked as he hovers near the door. 

Mark just nods and waits until he hears Johnny’s footsteps going down the stairs before he lets out a long, choking breath. He is grateful that he falls asleep before he can think too much. 

A few hours later, well rested, Mark goes through his morning routine and makes himself breakfast before figuring out what to do with his day.

He starts trembling in excitement. 

Wrapping presents! 

He rushes up the stairs and drags his two duffle bags down and gathers the supplies he needs before finding a Christmas movie on TV to play while he works. Rufus has made himself comfortable on the couch, supervising him. 

It’s the ultimate Christmas day, he turns on all the Christmas lights, has a cup of peppermint hot chocolate and slowly works through everyone’s presents, wrapping them with pretty foil wrapping paper and curling ribbon bows on each of them. 

He takes his time with each present just because he doesn’t have that many and he wants to soak it in and make this perfect moment last.

It’s only when he gets to Johnny’s give that he hesitates. He tossed it in with the pile after Johnny agreed to come along but he wasn’t actually sure whether he’d give it to him. He had bought the gift in September (he’s an early Christmas shopper) before they broke up. It was too late to return it, so he just hung onto it hoping for the best. 

It’s a fancy antique film camera he found at a thrift store. He got it tested and appraised and it would go for a pretty penny if Johnny ever resold it. 

The old Johnny never would. 

The new one, maybe. 

Regardless, if only for the sake of having another present to wrap, he decides to wrap it anyways, and slaps a bow and name tag on it before dusting his hands. All done. 

Just as he tucks everything under the tree and cleans up the aftermath, everyone comes home.  Luckily, their cousins are nowhere to be seen. 

“You guys look cold,” Mark comments when everyone walks in, shivering, dusting snow off their shoulders.

Giselle’s nose is bright red when as she stomps the snow off her boots. Kevin dusts the snow out of the hood of Giselle’s jacket and smiles mildly, “the malls were packed. We had to park all the way across the parking lot and walk.”

“Mark, sweetie, can you and Johnny go bring in some logs of wood for the fireplace? I think we all need to defrost,” his mother asks while taking off her coat. 

Mark hasn’t looked over at Johnny yet and just reaches for his coat, “I can go on my own, mom, it’s fine.”

“No, take Johnny and bring in double the wood, we’ll need it.”

He stays silent as he shoves his feet into his shoes and trudges to the backyard with Johnny in tow, “a successful shopping trip?”

“Yeah, I didn’t get a chance to get anything for Giselle before we drove up, so I got her and Kevin a gift,” Johnny said as they walked to the shed. 

Mark glanced over his shoulder with a frown, “you could’ve told me, I would’ve just put both our names on my gifts. You shouldn’t need to buy them gifts.”

“It’s not a big deal, I like your family and I like giving gifts.”

That is his love language, in all fairness. Acts of service and gift giving. 

Mark hums and turns the corner and stares at where the pile of chopped wood should’ve been and there’s nothing. Just full uncut logs stacked in a pyramid. 

“Uh…”

“I think your mom just scammed us into chopping wood for her,” Johnny deadpans. 

Mark huffs and grabs a log and an axe, “I told her she should just get an electric fireplace but she wanted the authenticity. The faster we get through this, the faster we’ll get back inside.”

“Let me do it,” Johnny reached for the axe but Mark pulled it away. Sure, Johnny is ripped and strong, but Mark was no wimp either. 

“Don’t worry, I got it,” he said confidently, “this is a piece of cake.”

Johnny’s brows shoot up but he just takes a docile step back with his arms raised and leans against the side of the shed, watching. 

Mark sets the log on the stump and adjusts his stance and his grip on the handle before lifting the axe up over his head. He brings it down with all his might and like a bulging, skilled lumberjack, the axe…gets wedged in the log. Mark blinks, stunned that instead of slicing through butter, the blade of the axe makes barely a notch. 

He lifts the axe to pull it out of the log but the entire piece of wood goes with it, dangling off the half an inch that he managed to crack. His eyes immediately dart to Johnny’s face, his lips pressed tightly together, “don’t your dare laugh.”

Johnny holds his hands up, “I’m not laughing.”

To his credit, he’s not, but Mark knows he wants to, “yeah, but I know you want to.”

Johnny says nothing and just watches Mark press his foot on the edge of the log and wriggle the axe free. 

He’s already a little winded, but he doesn’t care. He plants his feet firmly on the ground, brings the axe over his head and goes for the kill.

And yet again, he finds himself with an axe lodged into the log. 

Johnny finally laughs as he meanders over to where Mark has pulled the axe out, “here, let me help.”

He glares viciously at him, hoping he slips and lands on the frozen mud, face first. Instead, Johnny stands behind, presses his chest against Mark’s back, hips flush to his ass and wraps his hands over Mark’s gripping the handle of the axe. 

He’s overheating. It’s negative degrees out and he’s sweating and he’s sure he’s flushed. This is not good for his well-being. 

Mark’s soul feels detached from his body when Johnny’s breathy voice brushes past his ear, “you gotta lift and follow through. Don’t relax your grip or decrease your force on the downswing. Ready? 1,2,3—“

Johnny lifts their hands above Mark’s head and swings it down, slicing the log of wood right in half.

“There ya go,” Johnny says with a laugh, “good job, baby.”

The winter air has nothing on the chill that drops over them after that slip of the tongue. Johnny immediately steps back, taking the axe with him. Mark almost does something stupid, like pulling him back. 

He knows his cheeks are flushed by the cold air is a good enough excuse as he bends down to pick up the two pieces of wood. He chances a glance at Johnny who’s turned away to pick up another log and places it on the stump. 

“Why don’t I just get through these? It’ll be faster,” he suggested with an awkward cough. 

Mark hates it with a passion, “um, sure. Thanks.”

Johnny doesn’t acknowledge him and just turns back to the pile of wooden logs and begins hacking away.

It’s…a little much. 

The grunting, the flexed muscles, the tensed jaw, the glistening sweat, it’s a little pornographic for someone who’s fully dressed, doing simple manual labour. 

Mark doesn’t even notice his teeth pressed against his lip as Johnny goes for another log and when the blade doesn’t cut through it cleanly, he drops the axe, picks the log up with both his hands and pulls both pieces apart, splitting in two.

An aborted whimper escapes and it’s nothing short of a miracle that Johnny doesn’t hear. 

It’s so fucking hot. 

Mark can’t help but imagine him doing this in the summer, shirtless, glistening in swea—

“All done.”

Mark jerks up and sees Johnny catching his breath as he hangs the axe up. Mark’s cheeks are red as he helps carry the logs inside, hopefully leaving his weird horny fantasies out in the backyard. 

They have a casual night in, everyone gathered in the living room channel surfing while eating snacks and lounging around. They all slowly say their goodnights until it’s just Johnny and Mark who are passed out on the couch. 

“Do you mind carrying him up?” His mother asks with a twinkle in her eye. 

Johnny hesitates for half a second before nodding with a polite smile. He stands and leans down to lift Mark up in his arms. He sees Mark’s mom watching so he presses a fond kiss to Mark’s forehead before carrying him up the stairs and to their room. 

He tucks Mark in and pulls off his fuzzy socks before washing up and getting in next to him. 

Johnny stares and stares and knows he can’t fall asleep tonight. His mind won’t let him. His choices won’t let him. 

His consequences live in the form of his insomnia. 

————

Mark wakes up in the middle of the night, disoriented, unsure how he ended up in his bed. He reaches out for Johnny absentmindedly but his fingers just touch an empty space. Even his pillow is gone. 

He stumbles out of bed and makes it halfway down the stairs when he finds Johnny asleep on the couch with his pillow and a throw. 

Oh. Wow.

Mark swallows the rock down his throat and fights the sinking feeling in his gut as he turns around and goes back upstairs. Johnny must hate him so much that he’d rather sleep on their leather couch than a soft bed. It was a stark reminder that everything this morning was all pretend and this is the reality. 

It’s easy learning how to be lovers, but it’s fucking torture to learn how to be strangers. 

————

Mark doesn’t say anything when he comes down the next morning. 

There’s no evidence that Johnny even slept down there except that the fuzzy throw that’s usually draped haphazardly across the back of the couch is now folded into a perfect rectangle. Even Johnny’s pillow had made it back into Mark’s bed. 

He makes no mention of it when he walks into the kitchen and finds Johnny sitting by the counter, sipping on coffee while idly chatting with his mom and dad. He greets them with a small smile and doesn’t bother looking at Johnny, he just pours himself a cup of coffee and helps himself to a plate of French toast. 

“We were just telling Johnny about our plans for today,” his dad has a look in his eye that spells out trouble for Mark. 

He raised his brow, “oh yeah?”

“We’re going to the Christmas market.”

Okay…that sounds tame enough. 

“After we hit the skating rink!”

Mark’s arms fall limply to his sides, “dad c’mon, you know how bad I am at skating.”

“It’ll be fine, you’re not that bad,” his dad is so chipper that it’s like staring into the sun. 

His mom laughs behind her mug of tea and even Johnny looks sympathetic, “I tried to tell them.”

Johnny eyes Mark’s dish and he doesn’t think about it when he hands his fork to Johnny, so he can lean over and cut a piece for himself. 

“Don’t worry, hon,” his mother says, “it’ll be fun.”

————

It’s not. 

Mark has a vice grip on the walls of the rink, his feet barely moving as teenagers and kids speed past him like professionals. 

Johnny’s up ahead of him, wearing a Santa hat, gliding like he was born balancing on two thin pieces of metal. 

“It’s nice to be reminded that there’s still stuff you’re shit at. I sleep better at night,” Giselle sings as she skates up next to him with a little twirl. 

Kevin’s a bit clumsier but even he can skate without holding onto something. 

“Why isn’t Johnny here letting you hang onto him for dear life? Seems like something he’d jump at the chance to do,” her fake innocent voice makes him grind his teeth. 

Kevin looks a little uneasy as he glances at the two of them from the side of his eyes. Mark isn’t sure if it’s because of the interaction or because he’s about to face-plant.

“Shut up, Gi.”

“Why? Trouble in paradise? You’re still acting weird. Like you’re not all over each other like you used to be,” She turns so she’s skating backwards and can get a good look at his face, “the 7-year itch getting the best of you?”

“Um…honey.”

“Leave me the fuck, alone,” Mark hisses and she looks a little surprised at the outburst, “just…fuck off, Gi.”

He forces himself to let go of the bannister to skate forward and he manages to take three big strides before his rhythm falters and his feet start to lose traction. Just before he smashes his nose into the ice, two hands catch him by the arms and steady him. 

Mark knows immediately that it’s Johnny, and relief floods his body, he sags a little in his hold

“Are you okay?” There’s so much concern in his voice that Mark wants to whine that no he’s not fucking okay. 

But he’s not allowed to make his problems Johnny’s anymore, “just, really bad at staying upright. Honestly, only a masochist would think strapping two knives to the bottom of your feet and running on top of a slippery rink is fun.”

Johnny doesn’t fall for his light-hearted tone, “did your sister say something again?”

“It’s not important,” he waves him off because he and Giselle give as bad as they get. It’s only fair that he doesn’t play the victim when he’s said just as mean things to her too.

But Johnny seems unsatisfied with his answer, “I saw your face. This was different, she pissed you off more than usual.”

He wonders why Johnny was watching him when he was skating off ahead of them. He also wonders if that’s how he was able to catch him before he fell. 

What a metaphor.

“It’s just her regular bullshit. She thinks we’re hiding something and that we’re fighting with each other. I mean, she’s right, sorta, but it’s stupid,” he says with a helpless shrug.

“Why does she think that?” Johnny asks, dumbfounded. 

But Mark’s a little incredulous. Even he knows that the two of them aren’t acting like how they used to, “we’re not being as affectionate, I guess? Which makes sense, it feels awkward whenever we try and every time we do, I start wondering if everyone can tell we’re faking so I panic even more.”

Johnny purses his lips thoughtfully before letting their gloved fingers lace together. He skates backwards and pulls Mark along with him. He finally balances and gets better with every slide of his skates. 

They lap Giselle and Kevin and right when they’re about to pass them, Johnny yanks him closer and uses the momentum to kiss him straight on the mouth. 

He can hear jingle bells and angels singing carols when their lips touch, yes, he’s editorializing a little. But that’s how good it feels. His entire body is immediately engulfed in heat despite his red, chill-tipped nose and numb toes.

“Ugh, get a room.”

Mark can’t hear Giselle or anything else for that matter. His ears are ringing because Johnny, his ex-boyfriend is kissing him. It’s soft but firm and he can’t help but lean up to kiss him back. His gasp is too strong that it kind of makes it hard for Johnny to kiss him properly and just as Mark tries to readjust his mouth, Johnny pulls away, the tips of his ears burning. For a split second, it felt like home, so familiar and natural. He wanted to do it again.

Johnny lets go of one of Mark’s hands so he can face forward and drag Mark with him. His feet aren’t even moving, he’s being pulled purely by Johnny’s hand in his. He can only stare, slack-jawed at the back of Johnny’s head. 

Only two thoughts are in his soft-brained head right now:

1. What the fuck was that?
2. He misses kissing Johnny 

————

He and Johnny walk hand in hand as they walk with the rest of the family through the outdoor Christmas market. 

They don’t really look at each other but at least Giselle’s stopped staring holes into their heads. She’s too distracted by the giant turkey leg their dad someone procured and the huge jug of mulled wine their mother came back with. 

They walk passed all the vendors, stopping at the ones that catch their attention and buying unnecessary sweets and festive trinkets. Like the pound of fudge Kevin bought or the novelty ornament Mark purchased. 

It brought back so many memories of every year their family would come to visit. And now that the sun was setting, all the twinkle lights look even prettier. In the centre of the market was a giant clock tower with the countdown to Christmas Day flashing. 

“You two should take a picture in the tunnel,” his dad says while pointing to an arched tunnel display made entirely of Christmas lights.

Mark feels his palms sweat, “looks like there’s a lot of pe—“

“There’s no one there now, go!” Giselle shoved them to the installation.

They can’t argue when she’s barking out orders about where to stand and how to pose. Johnny has his arm around Mark’s waist and Mark has his draped across his back. The entire family (including Kevin) has their phones out, clicking away. 

“Don’t just stand there, act like a couple!” Giselle demands. 

Mark’s about to snap at her when he feels a light warm pressure of a kiss against his cheek. He flinches and pulls away, turning to his head to find Johnny’s forehead brushing against his. Johnny’s already looking straight at him with a dopey grin. 

What an actor. 

He deserves an award for being able to fake that much love and devotion.

After spending the night not looking at him, it’s breathtaking to see him now, lit up with warm white lights that make his eyes glitter and his skin glow. 

“Cute!” His mother sings and even a few passersby squeal. 

Johnny laughs and looks back at their parents, this time pressing his cheek against the top of Mark’s head, pulling him close. Mark can’t help but hug him back so they’re snuggled together under the archway, smiling for photos like a real couple.

He’s hit with a sense of longing seeing Johnny laugh and smile so freely after being so tense and avoidant whenever it was just the two of them. It feels like the versions of themselves that were dating were from another universe. He can’t imagine how it felt to be able to do this so easily back when they were dating, without stressing about faking it or wondering how much Johnny was pretending.  

Johnny looks so genuinely happy and almost believably still in love. Mark used to see that look and preen with the knowledge that he was Johnny’s favourite person. Knowing that any and all affection and love was returned tenfold. 

Now it feels hollow. 

He aches. Deep down. To have that back. To know Johnny looks across the room at him and falls in love each time. When Mark reaches out, he’s already meeting him halfway. He misses leaning slightly into Johnny’s shoulder only for him to shift and adjust his body to hold more of his weight. 

He’s always known Johnny in the context of attraction and compatibility. It makes him sick to know him now, as strangers. He used to be the only one Johnny loved. He’s now one of many that Johnny barely acknowledges

He knows that Johnny looks at him now, he sees frustration and disdain for being forced to spend time with a man he wants to cut out of his life for good. 

Every day, with Johnny so near, Mark wants to grab him by the shoulders and beg him to tell him why he fell out of love with him. 

But every day, with Johnny so near, Mark keeps his mouth shut because he’s afraid that it’ll hurt more to know the truth. 

————

Mark wakes up in the middle of the night every night and Johnny is never there. 

He doesn’t get up to look for him anymore. He just rolls over to the other side and shuts his eyes. Every morning, he goes down the stairs and smiles and talks to Johnny as if they slept next to each other. 

But usually, by the middle of the day, Mark’s forgotten about the sting of pain because, around his family, Johnny is so dotting and loving that Mark lets himself pretend. He lets himself believe. 

If only for a second. 

Because with people around to fool, Johnny becomes the man Mark fell in love with. 

Mark wonders when he became one of the fools. 

“Stop it,” he tries to sound serious but a laugh escapes, “stop laughing at me!”

Johnny can’t even speak, he has his eyes and lips squeezed shut. It’s as if one glimpse of the monstrosity in front of it and he’ll lose it completely. 

“It’s not that bad!” Mark exclaims indignantly, but his own laughter undercuts it. 

His dad shakes his head solemnly, “sorry son, that gingerbread house is unsalvageable. It’s time to foreclose. Bring in the wrecking ball and tear it to the ground.”

His mom nods in agreement, “this is what happens when you hire unlicensed icing contractors. You get a shoddy job.”

Mark stares at the creation in front of him, a failed gingerbread house on the verge of collapse. He turns to Johnny and glares, “you’re supposed to be on my side. This was our house, built by our own sweat and gumdrops. Where will our ginger-babies live now? How will they get into ginger-pre-school and get scholarships to ginger-college if they don’t even have a place to live?”

Johnny collapses to the ground, laughing so hard it’s like a lung will come up. 

“It’s a ginger-travesty.”

When their parents issued a competition, couples against couples, to see who could build the best gingerbread house, he didn’t think they’d come in dead last. 

Mark takes Johnny’s hand and drags him up, “come on, we can still win, babe. We can’t give up now.”

Johnny catches his breath before cupping Mark’s face and rubbing some icing sugar off his cheek. It’s so tender that Mark wishes he could kiss him, “I think we lost the minute we went up against an architect.”

They look over at Kevin’s stunning ginger-mansion. Giselle did absolutely nothing except inhale candy canes and make one marshmallow snowman to pose in front of the house. Kevin, on the other hand, had pulled out rulers and straight edges to craft the perfect structure. 

“The HOA would kick you out of the ginger-neighbourhood,” Giselle says with a giggle and it’s the longest they’ve gone without fighting. 

Mark rolls his eyes, “you just don’t have an appreciation for the abstract.” 

“It’s okay, we can move into the little mini marshmallow igloo I made,” Johnny coos while gathering Mark up in his arms and kissing him on the side of his head in consolation.

Ever since Mark had told Johnny about Giselle’s suspicions, he really started putting on a show whenever she was around. The PDA kicked up a few notches in frequency and it was getting easier for Mark to just sink into it, instead of hyperventilating. 

“Do you remember the first year Johnny spent the holidays with us? Mark went into the bathroom and cried when Johnny painted that sign in front of their gingerbread house with icing. What was it again?” His mom asks while taping her lip. 

Giselle cackles and claps her hands, “I remember that, it said The Suh-Lees.”

“You cried?” Johnny sounds way too smug to actually be shocked. 

Mark knows he’s blushing but he doesn’t hide it when he huffs, “I was just emotional because I thought it was a sign you were serious about me.”

“A sign made out of royal icing isn’t the same as signing a lease to a house, dumbass,” Giselle says with a snort. 

Mark pouts, embarrassed, “I was 21 and really wanted him to like me.”

“Well,” Giselle says dismissively, “I guess you were right to take it as a sign. He apparently really does.”

His dad chortles with a laugh, “I’m pretty sure the way he looks at our little Mark was all the sign we needed to know he was serious about him.”

“Mmm, yeah, it was like he’d do whatever you asked him without question, even if it mean running through the snow barefoot singing Christmas carols,” his mom adds, joining in on the fun.

The lightness in Mark’s chest weighs a little heavier. It sinks every time he’s reminded that this is all pretend. He just hums lightly and licks a bit of icing off a spoon. 

When they’re done, they jokingly crown Mark and Johnny the winner until Kevin looks like he’s going to break down in tears. Rufus ends up being the true winner, eating all the pieces of candy and blobs of icing that fell on the floor.

Clean-up is a nightmare that by the end of it, they’re all stretched out across the living room with It’s A Wonderful Life playing on the television. Giselle is fisting popcorn and if Mark had a bit more energy, he’d fight her for the bowl. Instead, he’s leaned against Johnny’s chest, sitting between his legs.

He isn’t entirely sure how they ended up here, he just remembers being pulled, his limbs rearranged until he was comfortable. 

“Do you remember,” he mumbles quietly so that only Johnny hears, “the first time I spent Christmas at your house? I was so nervous that they would think I wasn’t good enough for you that I shattered three ornaments because I kept standing too close to the tree and knocking them off.”

Johnny was silent for a long beat before his fingers came up to comb through Mark’s hair, “I didn’t know it was because you were nervous. You never said anything.”

“You were so smooth with my parents, I didn’t want you to think I couldn’t handle it.” He said softly as he laced his fingers through Johnny’s free hand. 

Johnny squeezes his hand, “I was nervous too. You’re really close to your parents, especially your mom, I thought they were waiting for me to mess up when they had put me in charge of baking those sugar cookies.”

“No, they loved you without you even trying. I know I did,” he admits softly. 

Johnny says nothing and just tucks his nose into the back of Mark’s fluffy hair. Gisele glares at them and shushes them but neither of them notices. They’re too busy holding their breaths around the first real conversation about their relationship they’ve had since they broke up.

“You’re right,” Johnny finally says, “loving you was always the easiest, I never had to think about it, it just came naturally as breathing.”

Mark grinds his teeth together to fight back the urge to ask him why he stopped then.

"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. And when he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?” Clarence says on screen.

Instead, Mark tugs on Johnny’s arms until they come around his body in a hug.

His eyes linger on the fireplace and it reminds him of Johnny. Sparks, kindling, warm, comforting, raging. 

And fires are cleansing, burning away what’s not needed so something else had room to grow.

————

It’s not a secret that Mark and Giselle don’t always see eye to eye, but it’s not easy for either of them to actually be hurt by the insults they throw. 

It’s rare that their fights actually feel like fights. 

So today is an anomaly that none of the Lees know how to react to. 

“What?” Mark’s voice is restrained to the point that it’s doing more harm than good.

It started off as a nice late dinner after a day out in the snow but as per usual, it isn’t long before a sarcastic comment from Giselle spirals into a full-on war. But there’s something different this time. 

“Don’t be dramatic,” she says while rolling her eyes. 

His hands are trembling so much that he needs to move them out of sight, “Dramatic? You’re offering to set me up with one of your friends in front of my boyfriend. My boyfriend who just said he was going to propose because that's how serious we are with each other. That’s fucking rude.”

“All I’m saying is that you’ve dated the same guy almost your entire adult life, maybe it’s good to know your options before marriage. It’s why people get divorced.”

Mark looks over at Johnny who, for the first time, has his head hung low, his eyes on his plate. He looks so sad. It didn’t matter that they weren’t together now, for all Giselle knows, they were going strong and for her to come here and say…this? And make Johnny look like…that?

Mark has a good temperament most of the time, hard to rattle, harder to enrage. 

Most of the time. 

His fist comes down so hard and so suddenly on the dining room table that everyone jumps and Giselle shuts up. His voice is low, the fury slowly building, bubbling, “I don’t give a fuck what you say about me. From now on, I’ll give you a free pass to run your mouth about everything thing I do, but you don’t get to fucking say a goddamn word about my relationship or Johnny.”

“Mark…” Johnny says quietly, reaching for his hand but he rips it away. 

His eyes never leave Giselle whose own stare looks weary and doubtful, “I don’t know if you secretly resent me for being gay but Johnny is the best thing to ever happen to me. If you can’t see how happy I’ve been with him and how much I love him, then it’s because you’re purposely ignoring it. Or you don’t care enough about me to look.”

Giselle snaps out of her silent stupor and clears her throat, “how’s this any different from the things you say about me and Kevin?”

“Because no matter how much I call you both boring or losers, I never say he’s not good for you or joke about divorce. So it’s not the fucking same,” he hisses while standing up from his seat.

“I’m going to marry Johnny one day and if you want to be a part of my life when that happens, you need to grow the fuck up and get over whatever issues you have with us. Because I won’t let him be around you if all you’re going to do is hurt us,” he spits before he stalks up the stairs. 

He slams his bedroom door shut behind him and drops to his bed, holding his head in his hands. He can feel his temples pulsing and his body overheating but he’s just so angry. Giselle never used to comment on his relationship status until he brought Johnny home. And Johnny was the first boy he ever introduced to his family. She was vicious when it came to their relationship. 

There was always a part of him that wondered if Giselle picked on him because she didn’t like that he was dating a man. He never pegged her for being a homophobe but he never had any reason to think otherwise until Johnny came into the picture. She never said much when he had come out but he assumed that since his parents were so accepting, his more liberal sister would be too. 

Because as much as they fought, he assumed that deep down, they’d do anything for each other, even if only because they were siblings.

But to bring Johnny into the middle of things, despite him always being pleasant and polite to her, was diabolical. Even Mark has the goodwill to not make fun of Kevin out loud. He lays back on the bed and closes his eyes. He isn’t sure how much time passes with him stretched out like that but eventually, he hears footsteps come up the stairs and the door creak open. 

He tries to guess which family member it is until a weight dips next to his legs on his bed and a warm palm grips his calf, “how did that make you feel?”

Mark sighs and lifts his head to turn to the side and look at Johnny’s profile, “I’m not sure yet. Mad? Sad? Annoyed that Gi can’t let me be peaceful for five minutes before finding something to pick at.”

Johnny hums before he lies down next to Mark. Their faces are close enough that their noses almost bump together, “you really laid into her.”

“Is this where you lecture me about being nicer to her?” Mark grumbles.  

Johnny chuckles and shakes his head, “I’m an only child, what the hell do I know about sibling relationships? But, I don’t want you fighting about me, Mark. We’re…we’re not really—you don’t have to defend me anymore.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t care if we’re not together anymore, I’m not going to let anyone talk shit about you or us. You broke up with me because you weren’t happy anymore, but that doesn’t mean we weren’t good to each other.”

Johnny mulls his words over in silence before speaking, “thank you.”

“There’s no need for ‘thank yous’ between us,” Mark says simply. It’s true, they’d evolved past the small gratitudes and accepted them as acts of love.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay,” Johnny says moments later.

“Can I be honest?” Mark whispers while looking into Johnny’s eyes. 

He raises his brow and nods encouragingly and Mark feels sheepish, “I’m embarrassed to go back down and face everyone now.”

“Can I be honest?” Johnny whispers back, his eyes mischievous. 

Mark blinks and he’s a little intrigued, “yeah?”

“Your parents took Giselle and Kevin out for ice cream. You don’t need to face them just yet.” 

Mark scoffs, “they’re taking her side?”

“No, they’re giving you both space,” Johnny says softly, cooling Mark’s irritation. 

He sighs in resignation and looks back up at the ceiling, “I guess you’re right.”

Johnny stares at him for a long minute before reaching out and stroking his cheek with the back of his index finger, “hey? Do you want to get a drink?”

“Huh?” Mark asks dumbly. 

Johnny hops up out of the bed and grabs Mark’s jacket, tossing it to him, “yeah, you could use a drink. Come on, let’s go.” 

Mark doesn’t put up much of a fight and just lets Johnny pull him up by the hand. He herds Mark out of the house and into his car. He takes them to a local dive bar that they used to go to whenever they were in town and had a night to themselves. It makes Mark smile. 

“Good choice,” Mark appraises as Johnny parks. 

He grins, pleased with himself as they get out and walk in. They’re immediately greeted by a loud chorus of cheers and whistles. And while Mark and Johnny came here when they could, they certainly weren’t regulars that received this type of welcome. 

“Uh…”

It takes a while to hear what they’re chanting. 

KISS! KISS! KISS!

Mark’s speechless in confusion until Johnny tugs on his arm and points above the doorway where a sprig of mistletoe was hanging. 

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” Mark muttered, “what if we were straight?”

Johnny bursts out laughing before tugging Mark closer to him, “straight men can kiss each other, Mark. Don’t be so narrow-minded.” 

“Don’t be a party popper!” The bartender yells from across the room. 

Johnny grins and loops his arm around Mark’s waist, “come on, baby, don’t be shy.”

He dips Mark down before he can complain about it and leans over and kisses him. The crowd hoots and hollers as Johnny cups the back of his neck, pulling him closer. It’s a chaste kiss, but still warm and intimate, their mouths fitting together slow and rocking. It’s a kiss that’s completely appropriate to do in front of a room full of strangers but it feels lewd because this is something that they don’t do with each other anymore.

He hates that he misses it when he starts to kiss back in earnest, Johnny’s lips still plush and warm, his kisses spiced like cinnamon. 

He hates that he still likes it.

Johnny brings them back up straight just as they start getting lost in it and parts their mouths with a wet smack. Mark feels dazed, the room spinning and he desperately needs a shot. 

He smiles awkwardly at the patrons giving them the thumbs up and makes his way to the bar with Johnny in tow. 

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t my favourite couple,” the bartender sings with a pretty smile 

Mark snorts and bounces on the balls of his feet, it’s only then that he realizes Johnny still has a grip on his waist, “hi, Ten.”

Mark had gone to high school with Ten and unlike the rest of their friends, he stayed in town, skipping out on the collegiate hustle and instead taking odd jobs until he was of legal age to start bartending. The original owner still owned the place but Mark was sure he’d pass it on to Ten eventually. 

“Hi, Mark, hi Johnny. Still looking smokin’ hot, I see. Very good,” he grins as he sets two shot glasses down in front of them and pours tequila into it, “on the house for being good sports about the mistletoe. Although seems unfair when you’re a couple. Oh well, drink up 'cause the rest of your orders are going to be marked up.”

Johnny takes his glass, taps it with Mark’s and downs the shot in one go, “why? Saving up for something?”

“Maybe,” Ten grins cheekily, “I might have a date soon that I need to pull out all the stops for.”

He tips his head to the side and Mark follows his gaze to see a familiar man sitting by the bar, reading a book with a pint of untouched beer next to him, “is that….Qian Kun?”

“Yup, looks like I’m not the only one who ended up sticking around here after graduation. He teaches at our old high school now. We reconnected a while ago,” Kun looks up from his novel and his eyes immediately find Ten’s, he blinks, as if he needs a moment to readjust to the non-fictional world before he smiles softly at him. It’s so affectionate as if Ten’s presence means the world and he’s grateful to be in the same room as him.

Kun glances over at them and his eyes light up in recognition, he waves at Mark before going back to his book. He hadn’t changed much since his bookworm days in high school. 

“Looks like more than reconnection,” Johnny says while wiggling his brows at a blushing Ten. 

“Yeah, well, we’ll see. You two doing good? Back to see family?” Ten asks when he finally looks away from Kun. 

Johnny nods and bumps his hip against Mark’s, “you know the drill.”

“It’s nice to see you both still going strong,” Ten says with a teasing smile, “gives the rest of us sad sacks some hope.”

Mark looks down at his feet to avoid Ten’s innocent smile. It would’ve been nice to hear these compliments and be flustered by them, instead, it just feels bitter on his tongue. Everyone around them, save for Giselle, thinks they’re this perfect, wholesome couple who are destined to spend the rest of their lives together. 

It’s all a sham. 

Ten falters a little on the strange silence and tries to pick the energy back up, “anyways, enough about that, what can I get you two lovebirds? You got a bill to rack up.”

It starts with a few sweet fruity drinks that barely taste like vodka and a couple of shots they don’t remember ordering. Soon it turns into more and more and someone plays a song on the jukebox and everyone gets up to dance. 

Mark’s not sure when one drink turns into 12 but he’s swaying in Johnny’s arms, he looks a lot soberer than Mark currently feels. 

He’s clinging onto him tightly, pressing his cheek to his chest. He can’t hear Johnny’s heartbeat over the pulsing throb of the music. Mark can’t help but wonder what it’d sound like. Would it be pounding out of his rib cage? Would it skip a beat? Or would it be beating at a resting pace, lacking any inflection?

Johnny’s heart used to stutter whenever Mark pressed up close to him. He knows it’s only been a month and a half, but he’s curious if his heart still does a silly little dance.

“We were good together, weren’t we?” He mumbles into Johnny’s neck. 

He’s so tipsy that he’s pretty sure that they’re not dancing so much as Johnny’s just swaying his deadweight back and forth.

“Yeah, we were,” Johnny’s voice sounds so fragile that Mark feels in pain over it. 

He digs his fingers into Johnny’s shoulder, “then why did you leave me? Why didn’t you want to try to make it work?”

“You said,” Johnny starts quietly, “that I was unhappy. And I was, but not with you. I was miserable, with my job, and with life, I felt stuck. And I felt like I was making you miserable with me. I needed time and space to work shit out, to change jobs, to go to therapy.”

It’s strange. 

Mark always thought that when he’d have the ‘closure’ talk with Johnny, he’d be furious, unwilling to validate any of Johnny’s excuses. But hearing it now, maybe it’s the booze, but he hurts for Johnny. He’s always wanted Johnny to be happy and at ease and it was clear he wasn’t feeling that way. 

It’s not an easy thing to give up a 7-year relationship. Even if he fell out of love, the routine, the comfort, giving it up is painful. But Johnny was so overwhelmed about his life that he’d be willing to give that up just to try to fix himself.

“Okay,” Mark says into his neck, “I get it, now. I-I’m sorry you were going through all of that. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to help.”

Johnny tightens his grip around his waist, “it’s not your fault, Mark. You tried to help but it’s not your job to fix me.”

“But it’s my job to be with you when you’re going through a hard time. I wish I could’ve been there to help you with therapy or editing your resume,” Mark pulls away slightly to look Johnny in the eye. He has to blink a few times to get his face into focus. 

Johnny blinks at him and he looks a little lost. And for how self-assured Johnny always is, this makes him look vulnerable, “you…do?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Wow, the room is starting to spin a little He presses his face into Johnny’s shoulder to cloud his senses with his scent. 

“I don’t know,” Johnny says quietly as they continue to dance, “you had your life together and we’d been dating for so long that I thought you’d want a partner who had their shit together too. I didn’t want to tell you that I wanted to quit. I thought you’d be disappointed.”

Mark leans his head against Johnny’s shoulder and peers up at him, “no, no. I just wanted you, baby. I wanted you in any way that you came. Nothing else mattered, we’d figure it out together.”

Johnny’s eyes are wide like he’s realized he fucked up but Mark can only register how beautiful they are under the low lights, “Mark, did I make a—“

“I missed you, baby,” Mark whispers as he tilts his head closer, killing the words off of Johnny’s tongue, “missed you so much.”

Johnny swallows hard and licks his lips, a nervous habit that Mark recognizes. 

“Mark,” it’s supposed to be a warning but it sounds like a siren call. 

Mark pushes his bottom lip out and wraps his arms around Johnny’s neck, “didn’t you miss me at all?”

“Yes,” Johnny rasps out, his breathing getting heavy, “of course I do.”

Mark gets on his tippy toes and barely brushes their lips together, “then will you take me home? Like you used to? Wanna get me in bed?”

Johnny’s breathing is so laboured that it’s audible now, every exhale puffing over Mark’s face. He feels like he’s almost got Johnny where he wants him, “do you remember what it feels like? When you’re on top of me—when you’re inside me? When you’re fucking me ?”

“Mark.” It’s more of a pained plea this time and it makes his eyes glassy. 

“Because I do,” Mark whispers wickedly. 

They’re panting into each others’ mouths and he’s so close, he can taste him, kiss him if he just leans up a fraction. 

But Johnny shuts his eyes and presses his forehead against Mark’s. The tension in his back starts to loosen and Mark mourns the loss. 

“You’re drunk,” Johnny finally determines, “you’ve always been good at sounding sober, but you’re drunk. I’m taking you home to sleep.”

He pulls away and Mark almost sobs. He still lets Johnny drag him to Ten so he can settle up the tab and give him a nice tip for the holidays. 

His eyes sparkle when he sees the total, “wow, I always knew you were good news, Johnny.”

“Consider it our contribution to the Kun and Ten Date Night Fund,” Johnny warbles out as he struggles to keep Mark upright. 

Ten grins and looks over at Mark, “you’re okay to drive?”

“Yeah, he drank for the both of us,” Johnny says while fumbling for his keys. 

Ten raises a brow but nods, “he likes you a lot you know. Well shit, of course, you know, but I thought I’d just say it. Sometimes he sends me photos of you just to gush like it’s his first week dating you. Treat him well, Johnny.”

Johnny garbles out a response before basically carrying Mark to the car and buckling him in. Once he’s behind the wheel, he feels a bit better as he drives them back to Mark’s parents’ place. 

He looks over at Mark, who’s passed out against the window, and feels a knot of anxiety twist up his chest. 

He’s pretty sure breaking up with Mark was a mistake. 

And it’s terrifying to know that by doing it, he may have done irreparable damage to their relationship. It might not be salvageable. 

The truth is, Johnny just wanted to one day be a good husband to Mark. It had driven him mad with insecurity that he might not be able to live up to that expectation.

And now he isn’t quite sure he’ll get the chance to prove himself. 

————

When they stumble into the living room, it’s pitch dark and a bit of a struggle to manhandle Mark while also taking their shoes off without waking the entire house.

“Mark? Johnny? Is that you?”

The lights flick on and Mark’s mom stands halfway down the staircase, squinting at them. 

“Sorry, Mrs. Lee. We got a little carried away tonight but he’s okay.”

She rushes down to help Johnny carry Mark up the stairs, “poor boy, he must’ve been upset.”

They work together to hobble him all the way to his room and plop him on the bed. She surveys his dishevelled state and shakes her head, “I’ll go bring up some water for you two, you go wash up, honey.”

Johnny nods and shuffles through his suitcase to grab a couple of items. Mark’s mom is still hovering by the door when he stands, “I hope you don’t take Giselle’s words to heart, dear. She’s been through a lot and unfortunately, she’s taking it out on you and Mark. It’s not an excuse for what she said, but understand it’s coming from a place of hurt rather than truth or real malice.”

“Oh…I understand. It’s okay, Mrs. Lee,” he says sheepishly. 

She still looks discomforted, but she urges on earnestly, “Mark loves you so much. He brags about you all the time, how funny you are, how kind you are, the way you love to show him off.”

“He told you about that?” He chokes out, his face burning in embarrassment. 

She laughs, “of course, he’s so proud of you and loves you dearly. You saw how he stands up for you without hesitating. All that stuff Giselle said about setting him up with someone else, he’d never entertain that, not when he’s only ever had eyes for you. So don’t let it bother you.”

Johnny feels a sharp pain in his chest when he looks over at Mark’s sleeping form. This entire pretending scheme is starting to get out of hand. He was in over his head agreeing to pretend to date the ex he’s still in love with. 

“Anyways, hurry up and wash up so you can get some sleep. I’m sure you’re exhausted carrying him around.”

She leaves and Johnny gives one last look at Mark, thinking about everything that had been laid out not the table tonight while Mark was drunk the entire time. He sighs and turns away before walking out?

Would Mark even remember any of this when he woke up?

And would he even want him to?

————

Mark wakes in the middle of the night with his throat feeling like a desert. He forces himself out of bed in search of a glass of water and in the process, stumbles into Johnny’s suitcase. 

He hears something fall and he gets on his knees to blindly pat around the ground to find it. His fingers eventually curl around a small box and it takes him a moment to realize what it is when he holds it up to his face in the dark. 

When he cracks it open and stares at a polished silver ring with a small Peridot gemstone embedded flat against it, it clicks. 

It’s an engagement ring. 

And if the fact that it had his birthstone in it says anything — it was meant for him.

Why the fuck does he have this?

And why did he bring it with him?

————

Mrs. Lee jolts awake when she hears a thump somewhere in the house. She sits up and tries to nudge her husband awake but he’s dead to the world if his loud snores say anything.

She puts on her slippers and peaks her head out the door, listening for any other sounds. Thinking that maybe one of her ornaments or decor pieces may have fallen, she quickly goes to the stairs. 

She hopes it’s not the cute little dancing Santa statue. 

Her slippers slap against the wood flooring and it’s then that she hears movement coming from the couch in the living room. Thinking it’s an intruder, she crouches by the railing and peers over to get a better look. 

And she’s surprised to find Johnny asleep on the couch with a blanket and pillow. 

At first, she thinks he’s just being overly generous to her drunk son who must’ve taken up the entire bed. 

But then she realizes that aside from their first day here, Johnny was always the first one up and almost always would be found sitting on the couch watching the news at the crack of dawn. 

As if he’d spent the night before there. 

Why on earth was her son’s boyfriend sleeping on the couch?

And how long had he been doing this?

————

Everyone wakes up on Christmas Eve with a million questions. 

Today, they get their answers. 

It starts like this:

Mark wakes up, hungover, staring at Johnny’s suitcase where he shoved the ring box back in. He isn’t entirely sure where Johnny had hidden it so he’s a little worried Johnny might notice that it’s been moved but in his defence, it was just lying on the ground when he found it.

He hears his phone ping and he rolls over and finds it plugged into his charger. He isn’t sure when he had the forethought to do that, but he’s grateful. He vaguely remembers his parents and Giselle and Kevin wanting to visit the markets again, they’re probably asking if he wants them to bring him anything back.

When the screen lights up, he realizes two things:

1. this is not his phone, it’s Johnny’s
2. and he has a text waiting for him from Steven (Tinder) that says “heyyyy, had a lot of fun last week and wanted to see if you’re in town to hang out?

Johnny’s dating. 

Johnny’s dating, of course, Johnny’s dating. 

Mark’s such an idiot. He’s been playing house with his ex-boyfriend, relishing that they were still acting like a couple, meanwhile, Johnny’s been playing the field, dating and meeting new people to find a new person to love. 

What was he thinking? What did he want to get out of this? Was he hoping that Johnny still loved him and wanted him back? 

So Johnny brings an engagement ring, is seeing other people, and the entire time Mark’s been thinking that they were on the same page. 

“Hey, you’re up. How’re you feeling?”

Mark raises his head and stares at Johnny who’s smiling at him from the doorway. 

He and Johnny are really, truly over. 

Johnny’s smile starts to fade, “what’s wrong?”

“Um,” Mark looks back at the phone in his hand that’s now gone dark, “sorry, I looked at your phone cause I thought it was mine. You have a text.”

He drops the phone on the bed and shuffles out of the room and the down the stairs. He’s mortified, he’s pretty sure he tried flirting with Johnny last night, it’s no wonder he turned him down. Johnny wants to move on, he wants to leave Mark behind and live his life without him.

Johnny’s footsteps frantically pound against the floor as he stumbles his way to the kitchen where Mark is trying to busy himself with the empty coffee maker. His head is killing and now he has to pretend to not care. 

He’s so tired of this. 

“Mark, please, this is all a misunderstanding. It’s not like that,” Johnny says, out of breath.

Mark lets out a hollow laugh and waves him off, “it’s not a big deal, you don’t have to defend yourself.”

“No, listen, the guys at work made a Tinder account for me and they matched with this guy and wouldn’t give up until I agreed to go on a date. I thought ‘what the hell’ and went and it was awful and I never talked to him since that night and I have no plans on talking to him or anyone else.” Johnny sounds like he’s about to beg and Mark can’t help but wonder why he’s trying so hard to keep the truth from him. 

Rufus wanders in and stares at them before he whines as if smelling their tension. 

“Johnny, I’m serious, you don’t have to explain anything to me. We broke up, it’s been two months, and yeah maybe that’s a little soon but you’re allowed to see other people,” Mark lifts the mug and washes the coffee down his throat, hoping the burn can lessen the pain in his chest.

Johnny opens his mouth to argue when something horrible happens.

“Wait, what? Huh?!”

“You guys broke up?”

“Two months?”

They both freeze and slowly turn to look out the kitchen, across the living room where his parents, Kevin and Giselle all stood with gobsmacked looks on their faces.

“You’re…home,” Mark feebly whispers.

Kevin glances at all of them and slowly moves back outside. He tries taking Giselle with him but she avoids his grip and takes a step forward, “did you just say you guys broke up?”

Mark’s bottom lip quivers as he fights back tears, “um, Johnny and I broke up almost 2 months ago, I, uh, asked him to spend the holidays with us because you wanted to see him and I was too embarrassed to tell you the truth.”

“We didn’t mean to lie to you,” Johnny says with his head hung low in shame. 

Mark shakes his head, “it’s not his fault, I’m the one that asked him to lie. I—I’m so sorry, I just keep messing everything up.”

“You didn’t mess anything up, Mark. Let me explain, “ Johnny grips his shoulders and when Mark looks at him, his eyes are filling with tears. 

Mark laughs and tears spill down his face, “what’s there to explain? They know, Johnny. What’s the point of pretending, there’s no reason to lie anymore. We broke up, you’re seeing other people and in 12 hours you’re going to get on a flight home and I’ll drive your car back to the city. I’ll leave your keys in the mailbox and we’ll never have to see each other again.”

“Mar—“

“It’s over, John. I’m tired. I’m tired of lying and pretending everything’s great. Sorry for dragging you into this mess but I’m done,” he says with finality before turning away.

Johnny still cups his face and wipes his tears, “Mark, please.”

Mark closes his eyes and pulls Johnny’s hand off of him and turns his back to him. Johnny’s arm falls limply at his side. He eventually leaves without making eye contact with any of them, he just picks up his keys and a coat and walks out the door. 

The minute the door slams shut after him, Mark collapses onto a chair and sobs out loud. It’s an aching, soul-wrenching sound that he had kept bottled up since the day Johnny ended things between them. 

His mom rushed to his side, holding him up in her arms, shushing him softly as he cries. He wants to ask her to help him make it go away. He wishes her chicken soup and a can of gingerly could fix the stabbing in his heart. 

“It hurts,” he cries out into her shoulder. 

She strokes his back and kisses him on the head, “I know, honey. I know.”

————

Johnny’s crying. 

He knows he’s crying when he slams his car door shut and scrubs at his face angrily. He messed everything up and Mark wants nothing to do with him or whatever was left of their relationship. 

He shouldn’t have gone on that stupid date, he shouldn’t have broken up with Mark, and he shouldn’t have agreed to play along with the lie. 

He fucked everything u—

“Have room for two more?”

Johnny looks over at the passenger side window and sees Mark’s dad and Kevin hovering outside the door. He unlocks it but frowns when they open the doors, “I don’t think I’m very good company right now.”

“That’s all right,” Mr. Lee says with a bright smile as he buckles up. Kevin follows suit and just sits back with a polite smile, “I just don’t think you should be alone right now especially if you’re driving.”

Johnny pulls out of the Lee’s driveway and starts in an aimless direction away from the house. The silence isn’t as stifling as it should be, given the circumstance, but he still feels tense, “I’m sorry for lying to you and the others to trick you with this whole fake relationship thing. And I’m even more sorry for breaking up with Mark and hurting him.”

“It’s nothing to apologize for,” his dad says it so casually like it’s not his son they’re talking about, “you’re both adults and have been together for a very long time so I’m sure you know better than anyone if this is something you can fix or if it’s a sign that you should part ways.”

Johnny wishes it was that simple, because he wants so badly for this to be something they can fix, but he knows it’s not a decision that only he can make. And Mark’s made his feeling clear.

“But let me give you some advice. We like to think that when we find the right person we’ll be the versions of ourselves that we’re going to be for the rest of our lives. We tend to pretend that we’ll never grow or have changing needs or wants in life but that’s not how reality works, is it?”

“I think a mark of a strong relationship is whether you’re willing to suffer through the growing pains together. But I also respect that sometimes growth is a journey you have to take on your own and you need to do what’s best for yourself as well.”

Johnny tightens the grip on the steering wheel, “the truth is, how I feel about Mark hasn’t changed. I always thought that I had to fix myself on my own kind and that it would be selfish to ask Mark to stay with me while I figured everything out as if I was holding him back. It’s why marriage was always a hard discussion to have. I knew he wanted to get married and I knew that I wanted to get married but I didn’t feel like I had everything I needed to be a good husband.”

Kevin snorts and he leans forward, between both their seats, “being a husband or a wife isn’t a job with specific qualifications you have to meet. It’s a thing that you are for each other. You’ll only know if you’re a good husband after you start being a husband.”

That’s the most he’s ever really heard Kevin say without the presence of Giselle. 

“He’s right, you know,” Mr. Lee says with an understanding smile.

“What do I do? I feel like I messed everything up and I don’t know how to fix it,” he asks desperately. 

Mark’s father just leans back in his seat and stares out the window, “easy. You talk and you don’t mince words.”

————

Mark’s mom looks panicked and uncertain as Mark continues to cry. None of her usual techniques are helping soothe him. She beginning to worry if he’ll pass out or dehydrate from crying so much, “Giselle, go get some napkins and some water for your brother.”

“Actually mom, do you think you could leave Mark and me alone for a second? I want to talk to him.”

She looks at her daughter in surprise before narrowing her eyes at her, “sweetheart, I know you and him don’t see eye to eye but don’t think now is the right time—“

“Mom,” Giselle says seriously, “trust me.”

She sighs with a nod, slowly pulling away from Mark so that he doesn’t fall over and walks away, calling Rufus with her.

Mark sniffles and wipes at his nose, “are you here to gloat? You were right, okay, we were hiding something from you and our relationship wasn’t in shambles. Happy?”

“Kevin and I almost got a divorce earlier this year.”

He jerks his head back and gapes at her, “what?”

Sure, Kevin and Giselle were lame but he was pretty sure they were in love.

“We were fighting constantly, sometimes without even a real reason, and I knew it was exhausting him. One day, he asks me in this defeated voice if I was still happy, if I still loved him and if I even wanted to keep doing this. He never used the word divorce but I knew that if I said no that it would be real,” she says while sitting down next to Mark. 

She stretches her legs out and crosses her arms over her chest, “we went to couples therapy and it wasn’t until we were there that we learned we both wanted the same thing and just didn’t know how to talk about it. Kids. I wanted to have kids but I was too scared to ask him because what if he felt forced? I hear all the stories about women whose husbands cheat when they’re pregnant.”

“H-He wouldn—“

“No, I know he wouldn’t cheat, he never did anything close but that fear plagued me. Meanwhile, he wanted to talk to me about starting a family but he was worried about pressuring me to get pregnant. So we kept that stuff bottled up from each other. Our therapist called us out on it. She asked us why we even bothered getting married if we weren’t able to have these conversations. It was a wake-up call.”

Mark gulps and slowly reaches for her hand, “I’m sorry you went through that.”

“Thanks, so am I,” she says with a small smile, “and all of this is to say that relationships are fragile. It’s something that can be saved or can fall apart all because someone didn’t say something when they could’ve. I think you and Johnny need to talk about what you’re going through because you might not be on the same page even if you think you are.”

Mark covers his face with his hands, “I don’t know, yet.”

“Can I ask how you guys broke up?”

Mark hates reliving that night despite doing it every chance he gets, “he came over one day just sat me down and told me that he didn’t think this was working and that he needed space. It’s still kind of a blur but when we went drinking last night he did mention something about wanting to get his shit together and thinking that I would be disappointed in him that he was still figuring stuff out. I don’t know how he can think that I’d feel like that after all these years together.”

“Insecurities are insecurities, Mark. A person’s brain can make the most unrealistic theorist seem plausible. It fucking sucks,” she says with a quiet laugh.

“I guess you’re right,” it doesn’t feel like a win or a revelation. 

Giselle looked down at the ground and kicked at the floor “I should say sorry. I saw you and Johnny walk in with your perfect relationship that was comfortable and warm and you were still so fucking in love with each other after all these years I got bitter.  I almost lost my husband and I had to fight to save our relationship meanwhile yours seemed to be going so smoothly so easily without any issues.”

“That’s why I kept picking at you trying to find some sort of crack in a relationship as if it would vindicate me like ‘ah ha their relationship is just as imperfect as mine.’”

Mark laughs and feels something small unwind in his chest for the first time. Giselle giggles and squeezes his hand, “I’m sorry the two of you broke up. I have to admit I noticed that you didn’t seem as happy as you were but you were wrong, I didn’t pick on you because you were dating a man. I’ve always admired you for going after what you believed in without hesitation and Mark? I don’t know why this should be any different.”

“It’s clear as day that you’re still in love with him and it’s just as obvious that he’s still in love with you. Whatever issues you have, just sit down and talk it out and if he breaks your heart, I’ll let the air out of his tires.”

He chuckles, “thanks Gi, I’m sorry for what I said to you too.”

“I think we’ve both said some pretty shitty stuff to each other so why don’t we just call it even.”

Mark smiles and squeezes her hand, “deal.”

“Son?”

Mark and Giselle look over at their dad and Kevin standing by the entryway with soft smiles on their faces. It’s unnerving, “where have you guys been?”

“We went on a drive with Johnny.”

Mark sits up, his eyes darting around the room, “where is he?”

There’s a knowing smile on their faces that’s even more unnerving than before, “in the backyard, I think you should go find him.”

————

He finds Johnny sitting on the porch swing, his breath streaming out of his mouth in puffs of smoke. He’s hunching over, tucking his hands under his thighs. 

Mark shuffles towards him until Johnny glances his way when he hears the sound of snow crunching under his feet, “hi.”

“Hi, Mark,” Johnny says quietly with a sad smile while patting the seat next to him.

Mark shuffles up the stairs to the back porch and drops his weight down. The tip of Johnny’s nose is red as he kicks forward so they can swing gently back and forth. Snow begins to drift slowly from the sky, dusting their backyard like a coating of icing sugar. Mark tilts his head up and stares at the sky while taking a deep breath, inhaling the crisp burn of winter.

Johnny breaks the stalemate first, “I’m sorry your family found out like that. I know you really didn’t want them to.”

“It’s not your fault. I’m the one who got us into this mess in the first place. If I had just come clean from the start, none of this would’ve happened,” Mark admits as they rock back and forth.

Mark’s fingers nervously play with the edge of his coat, “I think…we need to get on the same page a little.”

He feels guilty when he sees the desperation on Johnny’s face. It was never his intention to make him feel bad for living his life, no matter how much it hurt to know.

“Mark, that date didn’t mean anything. I went on it to get those guys off my back and it sucked. I let the guy down easy but he’s persistent. Nothing happened,” Johnny says firmly, his jaw set. There’s so much determination reflecting back at him that it takes Mark’s breath away a little.

“I already said it was fine. It’s not my business,” he tries to laugh it off but it comes out so brittle and weak that he cringes.

“It’s not fine. We were together for 7 years, I’m not just going to move on to the next person a month later. It’s not easy to move on from you,” Johnny mumbles, “I think you might always be a part of me, wherever I go. You shaped my 20s, there isn’t a memory I have without you in it and they were all good.”

Mark just stares out into the yard, letting his brain go a little fuzzy, “you told me that you were miserable with life. That you broke up with me because you didn’t want to drag me down with you.”

“Oh,” Johnny sounds surprised, "I thought you might’ve been too drunk to remember.”

Mark’s lip twitches a little but it feels hollow, “no, I remember.”

“I just didn’t want you to resent me for filling your life with misery you never asked for. And I was so in my own head that I thought it made the most sense to do,” Johnny rubs the back of his neck, tugging on his hair in a nervous tick. Mark has to physically fight the instinct to soothe him, “I never felt that depressed before, I was happy when I was in school, when I was with you, even when I first started at Neo-Tech. But eventually, the burnout sucked the life out of me and I felt empty in a way that scared me. I didn’t know how to cope, I thought just being alone was what I needed.”

Mark looks down at his knees, “what would you have said if I felt that way about myself?”

“That we could find you help and get through it together,” Johnny admits heavily. 

“But, maybe it was what you needed. I know I said that I wish you let me be there for you but maybe you really did need to figure it out on your own. Without the pressure of other people’s expectations and feelings pulling focus,” Mark suddenly feels his throat ache as he fights off tears, “sure, I’m mad that you left me behind, that you never really talked to me about how work was making you feel. I think I always will be a little mad. But I don’t blame you. You quit, you found a better job that made you happier, you’re going to therapy, hell, Johnny you look brighter and fuller. I can’t be mad at you for that, no matter what it took you to get there.”

Johnny’s smile is watery but from what Mark can tell, it looks real. It brings back memories of slow easy nights and intimate routines you can only create out of knowing someone so well, “I’m still working on it, but I feel so much better in such a short time.”

Mark doesn’t fight back his smile because if nothing else were to come out of this, at least it would be how proud he was of Johnny for taking such a huge leap of faith to make himself happier. If only it didn’t come at a cost, “but Johnny, coming here this week, it’s made me realize how hard it’s going to be to get over you.”

Johnny’s smile drips off his face and is replaced with an anguished panic, “what does that mean?”

“I know that I asked you to spend the week here but I can’t take it. I’m so happy for you, Johnny, but at the end of the day, we aren’t together anymore. And I don’t think I can ever just be friends with you. So, I think from now on, we should just go our separate ways, to spare ourselves the hurt. Because every time I see you, I feel like I can’t breathe,” Mark wheezes out while fisting his hand over his chest.

“Is that what you really want?” Johnny croaks out.

Mark gives him an incredulous, nearly annoyed, look of frustration, “no, of course, it isn’t! It’s you. God, it’s always been you, Johnny. I can’t explain it anymore. I look at you and see a future so vivid that I could tell it like a story. 20, 30 years from now, it’ll be us, it was supposed to be us. But I can’t be the only one that feels this way. It’s better for us to just give ourselves a clean break, even if I can’t take it.”

Mark’s panting, out of breath with the anger slowly seeping out of his heart like a balloon with a small hole in it. He feels liberated. Maybe this was what he should’ve said that night months ago when Johnny told him they were over and all Mark could do was cry. 

Maybe, Mark should’ve fought more. 

Maybe, Johnny never should’ve seen leaving as an option. 

Maybe, a couple that thought they’d have forever just weren’t equipped to handle the possibility that they might not.

Fuck, there were so many Maybes.

For the first time since they broke up, Mark’s mind felt at ease, without a million little mosquitoes zipping around. Giselle was right, holding back their feelings didn’t achieve anything or gain them anything. All it did was leave them unsettled. 

This was it. 

All or nothing. 

“Or we could try again, we could try doing this over.”

Mark’s heels catch the wood flooring of the patio and the porch swing comes to an abrupt halt. He stares at Johnny and there’s a dreaded moment where he thinks maybe he heard him wrong. Or hallucinated the entire thing.

“The truth is,” Johnny says softly, “I was so flattered when people would talk about how perfect we were together as a couple that I didn’t see what it was doing to me. Suddenly, I felt crushed by the need to keep being that perfect, easy boyfriend that you loved. The thought of breaking down and causing problems immobilized me.”

Mark squeezes his eyes shut until his brain throbs, “wanting to quit a shitty job isn’t ‘causing problems’, Johnny. Fuck, I didn’t know you held those kinds of standards for yourself.”

He feels like a shitty boyfriend. He knew Johnny wasn’t happy with work but he never really thought too much as to why he never did anything about it. 

This entire time, he thought he was letting Mark down. Not living up to the image of the perfect couple with their lives easily laid out in front of them. 

“I—would’ve loved you if you wanted to quit and lay on the couch all day,” Mark feels honesty roll off his tongue without hesitation, “I just wanted a life with you. That was the only thing I would ever ask of you.”

“I know that now, in bits and pieces. I believed that every flaw I had, the older we got, was something you didn’t deserve to deal with. Part of that was because I treated you like you had no shortcomings and that I was made entirely of them. And I know that keeping those thoughts from you only made things worse for the both of us too.”

Mark smiles a little, “therapy, huh?”

“Yeah,” Johnny says with a similar small smile. 

“7 years is a long time to love someone. It makes sense we thought we knew everything about each other. I thought I knew you so well that when I knew you were going through something, I figured you’d come to me about it when you were ready like you always do. I should’ve considered that you were going through something you never had before, and maybe you needed someone to pry it out of you,” Mark can’t let Johnny take all the blame.

Johnny doesn’t bother fighting him on it even though Mark thinks he probably wants to, “we aren’t perfect.” 

Mark’s shivering now, his toes are frozen for sure but he doesn’t want to leave, “where does this leave us, then?”

Johnny licks his lips nervously and pulls his eyes, like they’re made of cement, to face Mark, “I know I don’t have the right to say this after what I did to you - to us, but can you let me be selfish? If I keep working on myself with you next to me and I communicate more openly about my down days, could we try this again?”

The temperature is easily in the negatives but Mark’s entire body is immediately burning, he’s sweating. His numb limbs are now thawing and he’s sure he’s melting the snow around them.

“I—I…you really still want me? Like that?” Mark croaks out, his eyes are watering and it’s beyond him whether it’s the frigid breeze or the heartache and hope.

“Did you ever wonder why I agreed to come this week? I said no first because I thought it was a bad idea and I didn’t want to get hurt pretending that we were still together. But I said yes because I wanted to see you and spend time with you even more. I know that it’s possible that you moved on but I think we’ve left so much unsaid that I wanted to try properly one last time.”

He takes Mark’s numb hands and brings them up to his lips, brushing a kiss against his knuckles before blowing air into them to warm them up, “Mark, I still love you I never stopped. Can we please try again?”

Oh, how Mark wants to turn his palm against Johnny’s cheek and guide his mouth to his lips, but there’s still something stopping him, “to what end?”

Johnny reaches into his pocket and pulls out a familiar velvet black box and opens it up to reveal an even more familiar engagement ring, “I got this for you six months ago. I hope that this ends in marriage but I want us to take time to be together and figure things out before we take that step. But this is what I want and I hope that it’s what you want too.”

Mark’s nails dig into Johnny’s wrist as he holds on for dear life, “you can’t run away the next time things go bad. I won’t let you.”

“I promise,” Johnny whispers near his mouth, his own eyes watering.

Mark swallows down the lump in his throat, “and you have two years to propose.”

“Easiest promise ever,” Johnny bonks his head against Mark’s.

Mark is trembling when his fingers graze Johnny’s red cheek and finally pulls him down so that their lips meet. 

And they just sink into it. 

Unlike the kisses they shared as a fake couple, Mark isn’t stiff and doesn’t hold back. He sighs and leans eagerly into him, curling his fingers into Johnny’s collar. 

Johnny gasps into his mouth before slipping his tongue into Mark’s open mouth. He grips him by the back of his neck and strokes his thumb along the curve of Mark’s jaw.

It’s only when the porch light suspiciously starts flickering that they pull away with a laugh. Johnny pulls him back and kisses him on the cheek, “I love you.”

Mark smiles and buries his face in the crook of Johnny’s neck, “I love you, too.”

They jolt apart when someone bangs on the back door. They turn to see Giselle pressing her face against the window, her voice muffled, “are you guys back together or what? We want to leave but mom says we can’t lock you out.”

————

The walk into the house is a little (a lot) embarrassing. 

After their dramatic fight followed by a display of affection, coupled with all the revelations that came out in such a short span all feel a bit exaggerated in retrospect. It’s hard to make eye contact with any of them.

Mark’s family (minus Giselle) are good sports about most of it. They grill the two of them on the finer details and current relationship status and when they determine that everything isms it should be, they move on without missing a beat. Even Rufus wanders in and sniffs everyone to assess the situation before curling up and nodding off.

Their parents herd everyone out the door for a winter walk and Mark doesn’t have to hesitate when he reaches for Johnny’s hand. 

He knows Giselle is trying to be subtle when she watches them from the side of her eyes and it warms his heart when he sees a satisfied smile on her face before she looks back at Kevin. 

They come back an hour later, cold and tired but they still huddle around the fireplace, the tree glittering and watch Home Alone together. 

That night, when Mark is half asleep, he hears his bedroom door creak open and footsteps near the bed until someone pulls the covers back enough to get in. 

Strong arms curve over his waist and pull him back into a sturdy chest. 

Mark smiles, content when Johnny presses a kiss to his ear and whispers a quiet goodnight. 

’Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

————

It’s only when they’re halfway through Christmas morning, after having eaten an over-the-top breakfast and opened most of their presents, does Mark notice something amiss. 

Johnny’s busy fiddling with the antique camera Mark had gifted him and Mark is holding tickets to a sold-out art exhibition that Johnny had managed to secure months ago. They’re all wearing matching pyjamas, even Rufus is wearing a Christmas onesie, chewing on his present. 

His parents are snuggled in the love seat and even Giselle’s managed to mellow out as she and Kevin giggle like gross teenagers. Darlene Love is playing in the background, the house smells like hot cocoa and pine.

It’s warm and cozy, and Mark’s heart feels full. 

Except for one thing. 

“Oh yeah…hey, Mom?” 

“Yes, honey?” She asks while she neatly folds all the sheets of wrapping paper and places them on his father’s lap.

“Where’s Nana? You said she was here and wanted to see us.”

His mom looks up and blinks blankly at him, “oh, she’s spending it in Florida. Did I forget to tell you?”

“What?!”