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She knew she told Maya that she still needed time. That she couldn’t just forget. She couldn’t just erase the memory of her wife nearly killing herself, lying in the hospital bed, screaming. The screams were the worst memory of it all. She sometimes woke up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, hearing Maya’s screams over and over. She really couldn’t forget. But today she wished that she could. That she could call her wife, cuddle up to her and just be consumed by her smell. Andrea was murdered two years ago. It’s been two years since her brother died. She still clearly remembers the first anniversary of his death. Maya was lying next to her on the kitchen floor, their shoulders brushing because everything else was too soft and Maya understood; she always did. She was there, helping her drink, making her food, and just being present in every way possible.
This year was different. She almost felt guilty for grieving. Maya’s words still in her head “this isn’t support. This isn’t love. When your brother died, you could barely get off the freaking kitchen floor and you know what I did? I gave you space when you needed it. I let you figure out your crap on your own. I didn’t call psych and have you committed. Okay? That is love. That is support.” But she also knew that Maya wasn’t herself at that time, she knew that she was throwing around hurtful words because she was angry and unwell, but it still didn’t make it sting any less.
The hotel room didn’t have that much space, there wasn’t enough space on the floor; her things everywhere nor was there even a kitchen floor. But she couldn’t stay in bed, it was too soft, it was too warm, too comfortable, too safe – everything that her wife was as well – so she opted for the shower floor, just like she did when Andrea died two years ago. But this wasn’t her shower, it wasn’t their shower, it was just a shower floor.
She had barely slept the last weeks, her body aching, and the cold hard floor of the shower didn’t make it any better. She was tired of crying, but she was even more tired of losing people. Of losing the people that she so dearly loved. Sometimes she felt like the universe hated her for whatever reason. What did I do to piss you off this much.
She just wanted no she needed Maya back. But she just couldn’t get over the fact that she was scared. Scared of losing Maya just like she lost her mama and her brother. And she couldn’t lose another person like that ever again. And if it meant keeping Maya alive, if it meant not being with her ever again, she be okay. Or at least learn how to be okay. At least that’s what she told herself over and over. But reality was different. There wasn’t such a big difference to how you lose someone you love. It all felt similar, the fear of maybe never being with Maya again adding to it. She still felt heartbroken, she still grieved, she still felt like she lost the only person she had left. And how could she ever move on? How could she ever fall out of love with Maya? She simply couldn’t.
She wished she could just forgive Maya, move on with her, build the life and have the family they talked about. And she wished her stupid little baby brother was still alive. She wished she could ask him for advice. She simply knew that he would have been the best zio their baby could have asked for. Sometimes her own grief for her brother and for her wife were so deep that she wished she could make it all stop. She wasn’t suicidal in any way; she just couldn’t bare the pain anymore. Why was life so cruel? What did she do to deserve this?
Maya on the other hand was still at home, refusing to go to work. She was cleared for desk duty, however, she decided to focus on herself first, on resting and most importantly she wanted to proof to Carina that she wasn’t trying to get better for work but that she was fighting for her and for their little family. She worked hard on getting her physical strength back, without overdoing it, but she also nourished her body, stopped way before she even felt her muscles hurt and most importantly, she worked on her mental health. She was still seeing Diane regularly, working on breathing exercises, healing her inner child with all the rest that she deserved. No, she wasn’t losing, she was taking care of herself.
She knew what day it was. She knew that Carina needed space and she wanted her to have as much time as she needed even if it was painful. But today she felt torn, torn between giving her wife space and actually reaching out because today was different. Andrew died two years ago. She was torn between wanting to show her wife that she didn’t forget that she was there, even if it wasn’t physical. But she also didn’t want to cross any boundaries. She wanted to respect Carina’s wishes because that’s what she deserved.
She was staring at her phone. Typing. Deleting. Typing. Deleting. Nothing felt right. But she needed Carina to know she was thinking about her. Who was she kidding? She only ever was thinking about Carina. Her wife. Nobody else and nothing else even crossed her mind.
Thinking about you today. She typed and sent the message.
Three dots appeared. Disappearing. Appearing again. She was looking at her phone a little too hopeful. The dots disappeared and didn’t reappear again. And she immediately regretted sending a text. She crossed boundaries. She should have given Carina the space she asked for. She shouldn’t have reached out. She was fucking up all over again. She probably really lost her forever now. Maya was close to spiraling fully when her phone started to ring. She groaned, not in the mood to talk to anyone, almost not picking up, when she saw Carina’s name on the screen. She thought she was dreaming, she thought her mind playing a mean stupid joke on her once again, but she picked up her phone and accepted the call.
“Hi.” Maya said softly, a little unsure what else to say.
“I—I didn’t want to need you and then you sent me that stupid text and I am still so… I am still so scared and hurt and you sent me this stupid text. And Maya… I need you. Bambina, I need you, even if it’s just for today. I need you.” Carina rambled, her voice horse, indicating that she had been crying.
“You will always have me.” Maya whispered, slowly getting up from the couch.
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Carina replied, more harshly than she intended.
But Maya let her. She didn’t say anything. They knew they needed to talk but today wasn’t the right moment.
“I—I am sorry bambina. I feel crazy.” Carina whispered; Maya almost didn’t hear.
“What do you need?” Maya asked, her voice soft, letting Carina understand that today wasn’t the day for any deep talk. That it was okay. That she was still here.
“You.” Carina simply answered.
“I am home. I am here.” Maya said softly, not really knowing what to say.
“I can’t get up.” Carina said, her voice almost sounding shameful. Almost sounding like she’d be ready to get a mean comment from her wife. The wounds still so raw. She felt vulnerable and scared.
“The kitchen floor?” Maya asked and immediately flinching. “I—I am sorry. I—”
“The shower floor.” Carina whispered.
“I will be there. If you want me to be there. I will be.”
“I will text you the hotel and my room number.”
That’s all Carina said before ending the call. Truth be told, she was too exhausted to talk more. Too scared that Maya would change her mind. Too scared that she wouldn’t come. Too scared that she’d just see her as a ‘psych’ case once again. I let you figure out your crap on your own. I didn’t call psych and have you committed. Okay? That is love. That is support.
With shaky hands she texted Maya the address and her room number. She put her phone away, leaning her head against the cold shower wall, silent tears rolling down her eyes. Trying not to be too hopeful. Trying not to expect too much. She was so tired, so tired of grieving, so tired of being so sad and so tired of the pain she felt. She just wished that for a moment she wouldn’t feel at all.
Time was passing but she didn’t have a sense of time right now. Everything just felt too much, too long, too painful.
She was deep in her thoughts when there was a knock at the door. That’s something she didn’t think about. She told Maya that she needed her, but she couldn’t get up. She couldn’t open the door for her.
“Carina it’s me…Maya.” She heard.
Maya really came. She was there. Showing up for her. She started to cry, wanting nothing more than to be in Maya’s presence. To see her, to smell her and maybe even later feel her. She started to cry, almost hyperventilating, eyes closed, trying to focus on the wall to get at least some air into her lungs. Her head started to hurt even more, and her sight became blurry; she didn’t know if it was from the tears or if she was about to pass out.
“Hey, hey you are okay. I am here.” She heard. She wasn’t sure if she was imagining things or if Maya was really there. But she could smell her. She smelled so clean and woody, so much like her old Maya.
“Ho—w?” Carina asked, barely able to speak, still struggling to breathe properly.
“Hey breathe.” Maya said softly, looking at her wife and wanting nothing more than to scoop her up in her arms and tell her how sorry she was. How she missed her. How she just wanted her to be okay again. But instead, she took a deep breath herself and answered Carina’s question. “I knew you couldn’t get up so I asked if they could open your door for me. I had to pretend you called because of an emergency and then they got worried too and almost wanted to call 911 or whatever, anyway, they didn’t believe me that we were married I guess, it was a bit of a mess.” Maya rambled extremely fast. “But I made it.”
She couldn’t believe that Maya was thinking so far ahead. That Maya, her wife, knew her like this.
“I am sorry that’s why I am so late. Oh, and because I went to the store and got your favorite tea, and more water and something to eat even though I know food isn’t on your mind right now. So, I also got you Gatorade, so you have some electrolytes because I didn’t know when you ate the last time. I also picked up more tissues, some painkillers, which is probably stupid because you are a doctor so you probably have more than enough but I know that you tend to get bad headaches so I just wanted to make sure and I got you an extra blanket and a hot water bottle because I know you don’t like it when it’s too soft but I also don’t want you to freeze or catch an UTI on the shower floor. I—” Maya was talking extremely fast and if Carina wasn’t still trying to slow down her breathing, if they weren’t mid fighting and grieving, she would have chuckled.
“Thank you.” Carina whispered, finally looking at Maya, her wife.
Maya smiled and nodded.
Carina looked at her once again. She really took her in. She looked more rested; the purple under her eyes gone, she looked healthier, her hair was washed, she smelled nice, and she simply couldn’t stop staring at her wife. She missed her, she missed her in every way and seeing her smile almost brought another round of tears. She bit her lower lip, trying to keep it in.
But Maya immediately noticed. “What can I do?”
And that’s when the tears started to flow once again. She shouldn’t be too hopeful, but she felt like her Maya was back. Her caring, protective, sensitive wife. Her Maya. Her wife. And how she had missed her.
She held out her hand, trying to reach for Maya’s hand. And Maya looked at her curiously. She didn’t know if she was interpreting things wrongly, but she reached out and took Carina’s hand into her own. Softly starting to rub her thumb over the back of Carina’s hand, trying to provide her with just enough comfort.
“Not too soft?” Maya asked quietly.
“Exactly what I need.” Carina replied.
This wouldn’t solve all the problems they had. They still needed to talk. Bot for now, for now, it was enough. For now, it was everything they both needed. It was a step into the right direction. Their love was stronger than any of what they went through. And sometimes love really is enough.
Thank you fratellino. Thank you for giving her to me. I will close the door, but I will open up my heart. Everyone I love will know exactly who you are. This is not a goodbye; it is just until we meet again.