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"Not that we don't appreciate the hospitality, but the accommodations leave something to be desired." Mattie sassed, but given the circumstances, everyone knew Laura was already doing her best in hiding the "alley cats" in the apartment. Carmilla clenched her fists, Mattie knew, and she's glad her words weren't triggering anything in her. Yet. She's willing herself not to slip until she was left alone. Why did it still haunt her so much?
"Really?" Laura chirped in. "You aren't right at home with the creepy crawlies?"
Carmilla's eyes widened. Sweat starting to form on her forehead. Of all people, her cupcake had to be the one who lit the fuse. "Right at home", ha. Maybe that coffin with blood should have been her home. She closed her eyes. No, Carmilla thought, I can't be vulnerable. I can't be fragile. I'll be stone. Like mother said.
Mother had always been right about me.
Act callous, act apathetic. Say something to distract them.
"We need to find somewhere else to hole up. It's only a matter of time before Xena drops the dime on us." She spitted out, as cold as she could manage. But hints of panic and nervousness could be heard if you're careful enough.
And Laura was always careful enough. "Carm...illa, are you alright?"
Shouldn't she know? Oh wait, she doesn't care, does she. "Better than ever, cupcake. Having just crawled out of such enormous space, god, it felt totally like where I belong, definitely wasn't reminded of what-"
Shit, spilled too much.
Carmilla cleared her throat. "I... uh... have to be anywhere but here right now." So she rushed out and up into a room before she lost what was left of her composure.
Mattie was shocked, but she knew better than to show it. But Laura, Laura who stared at Carmilla's back, realisation hitting her as she thought of what she had said, was now filled with guilt and regret.
"I..." Laura couldn't find her voice. She somehow remembered, this was the third time she broke Carmilla's heart.
"Don't bother." Mattie said with a wave of her hand, slightly angry. "I'll go check on her."
Laura bit her lip and slumped back where she sat. It seemed to have engulfed her, was the armchair made of remorse?
A light knock on the door, and Mattie walked in to see the weak side of Carmilla that she hated. It looked as though her little sister whom she, though she wouldn't ever admit it, loves, would break at the tiniest, gentlest touch.
Maybe if she had done something to help her escape that day... she wouldn't have become like this. We are monsters, there is no denying this fact. She wondered why Carmilla couldn't use and turn this fact into strength.
For some reason, Carmilla held on so tightly on her humanity even though it wounds her. Mattie could never understand why.
"You have to let go, kitty cat." Mattie sat beside Carmilla on the edge of the bed, keeping a small distance between them, she knew her sister needed the little space she could have. "I'm.. sorry mother did that to you, but you need to learn to turn your weaknesses into strengths. You still feel so fragile, sis, I don't know why you could still be so scared with how much you actually are."
"YOU WERE THERE, MATTIE." Carmilla hissed, her eyes shooting daggers at her sister despite her voice turning into a whisper. "You didn't stop mother. You didn't help me." She paused, for a gasp of air. "I have never felt so close to death except in that coffin. And I'm a vampire, for god's sake." She choked out a chuckle bitterly, it felt like choking on blood, and she clutched a little too tight at the bed sheets.
A hint of sadness and hurt appeared in Mattie's gaze, it was a silent plea for forgiveness. Carmilla's glare softened as she stared at the floor instead, the forgiving had been done long ago.
"Please just get out. You're not helping." Her body was still trembling, and being seen like this by her sister whom she has looked up to and whom she has cared for was almost the last thing Carmilla wanted.
Maybe it's guilt, for once, Mattie complied without a word.
At the gently slammed-shut door, Carmilla finally allowed herself to break down. She buried her face in her hands. A few tears slipped through her fingers and in a flicker it felt like blood in that enclosed coffin. She jolted and started to wipe away the tears on her hand with her shirt frantically. With the mess in her head, all she could see was red, on her hands, couldn't ever be washed away.
She thought she deserved this. Being a monster, having survived on killing for years. If she never forgets this, if she never recovers from this nightmare, she'll drown in it. Her punishment, her hell on earth. She was sure she was nothing but a disappointment.
Maybe she should just walk out into the open? If those "hunters" want her, then why didn't she let them get her? She couldn't find a meaning living anyway.
Everything I care about goes.
A creak.
Oh. Laura chose to come in this exact second. Carmilla could hear her quick but stable heartbeat. She knew she needed to leave this cinnamon roll of a girl before that strong, tough rhythm stops because of her.
Why did she come in? Does she still care? This little sparkle of hope is going to burn Carmilla alive.
"Carm..." Laura's voice was a small one, full of carefulness and maybe, just maybe, Carmilla hoped, a little love.
No, I can't ruin her. "I'm fine, cupcake. How about you leave before I freak the hell out because of this coffin crap I couldn't get over for decades." Her hands, resting on her knees, were balled up into fists, nails digging into her palm.
"I'm sorry... I didn't realize what I said would... bring your bad memories back." Laura reached out carefully, placed her hand on Carmilla's fist and gently traced Carmilla's white knuckles with her thumb. "If you're going to... I mean, umm, not be okay for a while because of me, I want to be here... just to, I don't know, will it... make you feel better?"
Carmilla jumped a little at the touch, but, god, it's so soothing, her hands relaxed involuntarily. She wanted to push Laura away, why was it so hard? Why did this girl, almost brighter than the sun, care for a monster like her?
For a tiny fraction in time, Carmilla felt like she's worth something."...Maybe." A whisper.
She looked up finally, into Laura's eyes. There were constellations in them, and immediately, she was free from being trapped in that coffin filled with blood, and she felt so close to the stars. So close to what was deemed impossible to her. So close to being loved.
Hesitation flashed through Laura's eyes, then turned into certainty when arms were wrapped tenderly but securely around Carmilla. Soft lips brushed across her cheek.
"You're okay, Carm."
Laura is quite magical, Carmilla realised.
Finally, she closed her eyes, someone worth giving my life for.