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Sometimes, people leave.
Sometimes, it is just too much for people to stay, so they pack their things and move on.
Sometimes, people are too afraid to fight or try to understand. It’s hard to find someone, to find someone who cherishes you and sees you as who you truly are.
Sometimes, it’s hard to even breath.
Sometimes, it’s so hard to exist.
And that’s why... that is why Jeongguk thought it’s better to remind himself of how precious and amazing he is, to remind himself that, even if no one sees him and understands him, even when no one stays, its ok to be reminded of why people should stay.
So, he chose to dance. He dances and gets lost in the sensuality of being free, of being himself again. He dances and reminds himself how good is it to be him, to be safe and seen.
He watches himself, his body, his muscles, moving with grace and power in the surrounding mirrors, he sees his magic slowly building and letting beautiful purple sparks around himself, giving his surroundings a hue that can be find only in dreams.
You see, Jeongguk is a necromancer. And in this world, in his world, in the magick world, he is seen as a negative part of the magick community. He is an outcast. His powers are seen as evil and dark. When, in fact, a lot of spirits are like lost puppies, in his opinion. True, dark and evil spirits exist, and it’s a pain in the ass for him to deal with them, but at the end of the day, his communication with the spirit is reduced to them being just… a form of lost puppies.
He is lost in his thoughts, in his movements and his internal turmoil and debate about lost puppies and the spirit, maybe thinking a little too closely that just how alone he is when the door to the practice room is being open harshly. His dance instructor, Jung Hoseok came in like a tornedo, panting and wheezing.
“Sorry, Gguk-ah, for being late.” He panted, whipping his sweat from his forehead.
Jeongguk blushed, like he always does when his sweet instructor says his name with so much adoration in it. “It’s ok, seonsaengnim, I knew you had to be late when I arrived and you weren’t here. I kicked started the routine, thought it would be good to have a head start.” He said teasingly and shy, at the same time, the need to kick an invisible pebble just drumming under his skin.
“Ah, its really ok, Gguk. I’m glad you entertained yourself.” Hoseok said smiling softly, ruffling his student hair playfully.
“Seonsaengiiim!” the latter whined, trying to redo his already messy hair back to his original (messy) state.
“So, lets see what you have mastered, hmm? Let Hyung be a proud instructor?” Hoseok asked loudly, smiling brightly and startling the other a little.
Jeonguuk nodded excitedly, body locked in the starting formation. But before Hoseok restarted the song, another person opened the door, startling Jeongguk, again, and making him let a speck of his magick out, bursting purple starts being rained around them.
“Hoseok-nim, we need you to practice room 7, there is a problem with one of the movements of the group and we can’t figure out how to do it.” The newcomer said, throwing disgusting looks towards Jeongguk and his stars, scoffing after. “Not like he needs you, anyways...” he grumbled with discontent under his breath, but loud enough for Jeongguk to hear.
“I can’t, San. This is Jeongguk’s lesson time. You guys can wait until the class, ok?” Hoseok said, gently, placing a hand on Jeongguk’s shoulder, squeezing it softly. “I am confident enough that you guys are smart to figure it out by yourselves, like always. You don’t actually need my attention, do you? You just love to cut my time with Gguk here.” He continued; his voice becoming harsher, his aura becoming hotter and fiery. “Don’t think I didn’t notice what you all do, ok? You never need my help unless it’s mine and Jeongguk’s time. I noticed the sneers Gguk-ah gets from you lot. This is why I separated you all.” Hoseok said, moving in front of Jeongguk, severing the filled with rage stare San was giving him. “You guys, I swear to all deities, I don’t get the hatred towards this loving human being... “He sighed; contempt laced in his words.
“Why don’t Jeongguk tell you what he did, then? So, you can understand what an abomination your loving human being he is?” San sneered.
Hoseok looked over his shoulder, seeing Jeongguk getting smaller and smaller with every word San said. His heart was filled with pain and sadness for this sweet being, protectiveness building up so high in his throat that made him get slightly chocked.
“You mean when you guys closed him in the dark room, as a joke, when you know he is scared of the dark, him having a panic attack that caused his beautiful magick summon his guide and wrack havoc on your sorry asses?” Hoseok hissed through his closed teeth, his eyes almost bulging in rage, his magick thrumming under his skin to be released. He took a step forward, forcing San to do one backwards. “You mean, that time his guide had to take a corporeal form so he can help Gguk calm his erratic breathing? You mean, that exact moment when I was so pissed at what you all did, that I started a fire unintentionally?”
San looked startled at Hoseok, his eyes wide with fear.
“What, you thought Jeongguk did that?” Hoseok continued, guessing the right motif behind the fear in his other student. “He doesn’t have fire magick, San, wake up. His magick is talking and resurrecting death people, not leaving fires in his stead.”
A gasp made both Hoseok and San look at Jeongguk, on his knees and with wide eyes, tear tracks and small puff of erratic breaths being heard in the now too quiet room.
“You… you knew?” the latter whispered, teary eyes looking deep in Hoseok’s ones, seeing the other nodding, taking small steps to the kneeling male. “But... how? I... I never told anyone, because… because that’s the reaction I always get.” He continued in that hushed tone, pointing towards San with his chin.
“I always knew about your magick, dove.” Hoseok started, turning his back to San, stepping closer to the hunched figure in the middle of the room.” My fire called out to yours since the first day you joined us. My own fire told me how amazing and cool your magick is. Your magick calms and sooths my fire, Gguk’ah. Did you know that fire users can guess the others magic?” when Jeongguk shaked his head as a no, Hoseok kneeled too, on the ground, taking the other males hands in his. “Jeongguk, believe me when I say this, but your magick is the most beautiful , safe and relaxing magick I’ve seen and felt my entire life. How anyone else doesn’t see this, I can’t understand.” He finished, sending a glare to the still standing figure in the doorway. “Now, lets get off this cold floor and bundle you in your coat. Let me take you home, hmm?” he asked softly, just for Jeongguk’s ears.
The other nodded slowly, stars in his eyes.
“Now, San, I will not be available for the rest of the day. If you still have the problem with the moves, we will review it next week, when is your group’s slot. Have a not-so-great evening.” He jeered towards the man, helping Jeongguk up and moving them both to the cloth rack in the other side of the room, moving passed a statue-like San after.
***
Jeongguk doesn’t remember the walk home, just the softness of his bed and warm hands around his waist. He remembers when he opened the door, his Bam welcoming him home with excited barks. He remembers him having another panic attack when he saw one of his guides trying to shove down the window something, realising its another dead bird. He remembers Hoseok cursing and helping the not-so-invisible guide close the window and helping him out of his clothes and into a soft, black t shirt. He remembers Hoseok humming and giving Jeongguk whispered instructions on how to breath properly. He remembers his breathing slowing, his hyung (when did he started calling his instructor hyung, again?) praising him lowly, combing his drenched hair back. He remembers whining to Hoseok to cuddle him, because he is cold (from where that courage came from, he doesn’t know). He remembers how his magick settled into a quiet thrill when the other put his hands under his t-shirt, on his bare skin, pulling him closer and closer until his back was flushed with the front of Hoseok. He remembers the quietness of his mind when he started feeling Hoseok’s breath on his neck. He remembers how safe he was feeling in the other’s embrace, how small he felt in the other’s arms. He remembers the peacefulness he felt just before his mind drifted to nothingness.
“Hyung?” he mumbles when awareness took his body hostage, forcing him to wake from the best slumber he had ever had, his hands finding Hoseok’s under his shirt, squeezing them softly. “You are still here…”
“Of course, dove. I wouldn’t have left knowing my pretty boy is in pain.” The other whispered in his neck, his arms squeezing him harder, painfully almost, to his chest, reminding Jeongguk that he is still in the other’s arms. “Why…” Hoseok started, but didn’t know how to finish the question.
“Go on, hyung. Ask me anything” Jeongguk said, a dreadful feeling sneaking in his heart. He had never heard his hyung so ... uncertain.
“Why... “ Hoseok tried again, voice wavering. “Why did you hide who you are, Gguk?” he finished, whispering the last word into reality.
Sighing, Jeongguk turned into his Hyung’s arms, facing him. He knew that this conversation was going to go better if he was seeing his hyung’s eyes.
“Do you know why being dead , or rather talk with the dead, scares people?” he started, softly, looking straight into the others eyes. “Because of the unknown.” He stops for a second, gathering his thoughts, settling his heart too (“don’t be afraid, my heart, it’s just Hoseok Hyung here…”).
“Most of the people around us, hyung, are scared of the unknown because they don’t understand it. They can’t expect something or anything out of a something, if you don’t know at least one variable of the problem, of that something. A lot of them , a lot of the people judging me, think I automatically know their secrets, their life story, if I am able to talk with their deceased ancestors. Which is bullshit, let me tell you that.” He huffed, making Hoseok giggle softly under his breath. “And... to answer your question… Hyung, every time I am close to someone, they leave me when they find out what my magick is about. I’ve been left alone by so many, for so many times, that I even stopped counting.” Jeongguk exhaled his breath softly, looking close to tears, remembering the pain of losing yet another one.
“Gguk…. “Hoseok started gently, removing one of his hands from the embrace, making Gguk to scoff a little, just to cup the other’s wet cheek after, softly chuckling, seeing the other’s expression.
“When did he started crying?” Jeongguk thought, amazed by the gentleness of the other male.
“My beautiful dove… I am so sorry for the pain everyone caused you. Your tender heart feels all the emotions so deeply, does it not?” Hoseok said faintly, almost afraid to talk to not scare the little one in his arms. “I am sorry, Jeongguk… I am sorry for not doing something earlier, I am sorry for not being there sooner…” he continued, feeling his eyes getting teary also.
“Hyung, what are you talking about?” Jeongguk asked, looking confused into the others pain-filled eyes.
“I…” Hoseok gulped, looking guilty, his throat being scratchy all of the sudden, find hard to confess the next words.” I was there when the other students bullied you into that dark room, Gguk. And I didn’t do anything. I just... burst into flames and run out of the room, scared by the rage that I was feeling.” He sobbed into Jeongguk’s arms.” I am really sorry, Gguk-ah…Hyung is so sorry.”
“But… Hyung? You have no reason to say sorry…?” the other asked confused. “I mean... It wasn’t your fault and you weren’t behind that act either. And the fact that you lost control of your magick to the point of instant combustion, says a lot to me about how you feel regarding this matter.” He continued in a delicate whisper, gingerly leaving touches in his hyung hair.
“Oh, little dove, your heart is so big..” his hyung murmured, closing his eyes, letting himself get soothed be the other. “Thank you for coming in my life and giving it colour.”
Jeongguk was truly confused. What did he do? Why is Hoseok Hyung saying this? And maybe his confusion was being shown on his face, because the older was chuckling under his breath, moving a few stranded bangs out of his eyes. “You look like a confused bunny, little dove. Don’t you know just how much you mean too me?” when Jeongguk shaked his head no, Hoseok continued. “That first day, you had the same look of confusion on your face, like you portray right now. You looked around you, scared, but excited. Your magick was thrumming under your skin, because a purple hue was surrounding you. And when I introduced myself as your instructor, you light right up. You became a purple neon sign with “I’m so happy” over the top of your head, that it made me want to cuddle you. You actually made me taste your magick. And I remember thinking just how beautiful you were, looking like that, with excitement thrumming in your veins, a love and passion for dance I didn’t see in any of my students I had until then. You amazed me back then, Gguk, but you impress me even more now. With your resilience, your shyness, your loud passion for dance and our company, for the understanding and patience you have with younger dancers; yes, I know about the fact you help the kids’ groups, Ggukk’ah. “Hoseok laughed, looking at the bashful Jeongguk in his arms. “I am in love with your quietness and also your quick thinking.” Hoseok continued, ignoring how the other kind of frozen in his arms, when he used the phrase “in love”. “I am in love with your bunny smile and your magick coolness, the soothing effect it has on my always burning one, almost like a balm. I am definitely in love with the galaxies I am seeing in your eyes, Gguk. And I am definitely in love with your selfless and endless heart you have here, little dove.” He finished with a gentleness it made Jeongguk’s heart race.
“Hyung… what are you saying? Please… don’t make me hope…” he whispered, closing his eyes in anticipation.
He heard a sigh. And then... And then soft lips on his. He gasped, opening his eyes, startled, just to find a nervous looking Hoseok, a small, wavering smile on the same lips he felt on his ones.
“Does… does that answer your question, dove?” Hoseok whispered, closing the distance again, between them too, stopping before touching the others skin, waiting for an approval or a refusal.
Jeongguk felt his breath caught in anticipation, losing his patience when Hoseok stopped the approach, closing by himself the gaping (not really, but for Jeongguk it felt colossal) space between them. A soft moan left his lips when his skin felt Hoseok’s soft skin under his again.
“Hyung…” he whispered on the others lips, a needy sigh leaving Jeongguk. “Don’t stop kissing me, please?” he continued, looking directly in the other’s eyes.
“Never, bun. Never.”