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I cry for the life you lived.
And the one you didn't.
It's been a really tough few months for the Sully family. After the sudden death of Neteyam, life was out of sorts, the line between now and then was slowly being merged into one another and it threw them into disarray. But the one it really affected, the one who was prone to sleepless nights and night terrors, the one who openly admitted to (and proudly) not eating.
Was Lo'ak.
Poor boy was defeated. Torn between himself and the future he imagined for his brother.
There was no wall that stopped him from spiraling into the person he has become. He was living in a shell of the young boy he once was, and there was no goodbye for him. The only goodbye he got was seeing his brother's corpse be laid to rest in the cove of ancestors.
It was a strange feeling, to have someone you spent your entire life with, someone you grew around and adapted to, just suddenly disappear from your life. Lo'ak knew Eywa had good intentions. But, still. Strange.
"Lo'ak? Are you listening? Hey, can you hear me?" Jake waves his hand in front of his face and says his name a few more times, the last attempt brings him out of his disassociated state and back to reality.
Seeing his father's face was a gentle reminder that he was still here.
He can't determine which was worse.
Jake smiles softly, and watches as Lo'ak's eyes fill with light. "Hey, Kiddo. I need you to help out down on the beach." His voice was rough and Lo'ak's face fell, Jake knew how much he hated being by the water.
"It's only for an hour then you can come back." His eyes were devoid of the once sweet and mischievous child, Jake had grown to know, oh so well. Nothing filled their place. It was sad.
A downside was, he had become sensitive and overly emotional. So, Lo'ak was put on light work or stayed home as both Neytiri and Jake could do nothing more to please their child.
His head falls to the side, his eyes welling up with tears. A pang of guilt strikes Jake, and he is considering letting him stay but, opts for him to keep pushing. "Just for today, I promise. I know you can do it." Others might think this was unnecessary, to Jake, he needed his son to know he was there for him. He loved him.
After watching to make sure Lo'ak made it there, he sighs and walks back inside. Neytiri is a witness to this all. She hugs her husband who welcomes her with open arms. "Ma Jake, he will be okay." Tears threaten to spill, and he has to blink them back.
"I tell myself that every day. But when I look at him, Neytiri and... I-that is not my son." He chokes out, tears streaking his cheeks as Neytiri wipes them away.
She strokes his face. "Our baby is in there. He's in there." She empathized, embracing him again. "It's so hard to sit here and watch him become someone else." And Neytiri couldn't argue with him on that one. She's seen it firsthand just how empty his soul was and knowing how the guilt must eat at him.
"You need to talk to him, help him understand." Help bring him home.
Jake sniffles, wiping his tears away. "But, he won't speak to me."
She smiles softly, kissing his forehead to comfort him. "Then make him listen."
When he walks down to the beach, Lo'ak is sitting on a rock, he whirls around and let his eyes sweep over his old man. Almost like he was making sure it was Jake who was there and not someone else. Lo'ak tries to mask the relief that he feels.
"Hey, kiddo." He speaks, trying to keep his tone comforting and soft.
Fatherly.
Lo'ak greets him with an uplift of his eyebrows. No words seeping out, like Jake had hoped would happen.
He knows how hard Lo'ak is trying to speak again. But damn does he want to hear his son's voice again, anything to know he was still in there.
Lo'ak shifts in his spot, hands tapping his thighs as he looks at the sand.
Jake lowers himself down on the rock, taking a seat next to him and cursing his old bones for failing him.
"Look, I know you've been acting strange recently as the days pass. And I want you to know, uh that, I'm here for you." He wholeheartedly expects Lo'ak to turn and start speaking, much to his disappointment Lo'ak only nods.
The boys ears drop and he starts to fiddle with his hands.
Jake clears his throat and looks at Lo'ak. "You didn't do anything wrong. What happened that day with your brother, was not your fault." He explains, "And I will do anything to prevent that from happening again." He speaks with such a force in his voice, that Lo'ak has tears slowly start to surface.
"Lo'ak. Look at me."
He hesitantly turns and looks at him, lip trembling.
"It was not your fault. I'm right here, son. And I am so proud of you."
Lo'ak cracks. He lets out a choked sob and there it is. Everything Jake has wanted to see. Lo'ak breaks, so hard and so fast that it feels like it shocks him just how fast he can let his walls down.
His voice is quiet and shaky, lips quivering. "I see him, everywhere. Bleeding out and I can't run from it, dad. It's always there." He falls into his arms, now surrounded by a comforting warmth, that he so desperately needed.
Lo'ak's heart is heavy, and Jake brings his head to his chest.
And he sobs. Cries like a child. The child he still is.
It breaks Jake's heart to hear how defeated he sounds. He makes a promise to never have him cry like this again.
"You have no idea how long I waited to hear you call me dad again." He whispers, kissing his head as he strokes his son's hair.
"Dad I-" He tries to say through heavy tears but, his sentence is cutoff by another sob.
"Oh, my sweet boy. I know. I know."
Soon, Jake feels a tear streak his cheek.
He hears Lo'ak speak up and what he says, nearly breaks him more than he already was.
"I can't sleep... I don't eat.. dad, I need help." And fuck, does that hit him hard.
He cradles Lo'ak in his arms, doesn't occur to him how hard he's squeezing, and he doesn't care. He needs Lo'ak to know how much he loves him; how much he cherishes the boy in his arms.
"I just.. I can't anymore." His voice cracks and that's the last straw before tears are streaming down Jake's face too.
"Shh, it's okay. I'm here. I'm here." He repeats this religiously, rocking the boy in his arms, and letting him cry his eyes out, no matter how long it took.
Jake needs him to know that he is safe and whole with him. And that while he lives and breathes, no one will harm his kids again.
"I love you, son." He mutters, and Lo'ak continues to bawl into his arms.
Jake Sully was a parent. Through and through. There was no changing that.