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It had been strange leaving the room after their little meeting. He tried to catch a glimpse of Erwin’s gaze that told him to return – just a little bit of the silent promise that had always hung between them when they hadn’t seen each other for days. But there was something wild in the Commander’s glance. Something he hadn’t seen in a long time, but that provoked a faint memory. No, more the memory of a feeling he’d had before.
Things had gotten out of hand, gotten too much. Words were whirling in his head and he tried to subdue them and have the situation under control, but threads of conversation seemed to slip out of his grasp every time he’d begun to connect them. Erwin’s loss. He tried to play it down, tried to make it seem as though it wasn’t something big, but he’d seen too many maimed comrades to believe himself. He had to be calm. He had to have the balls to get over it. Because Erwin clearly couldn’t, not right now. Not even Zoe was her usual self, he saw it when she thought he couldn’t see her. So he slid into the Commander’s room once he got rid of everyone else.
He stood there, motionlessly, eyes flickering over the mutilated outline of his body. He remembered his arms around him, tugging him close. He’d never feel his embrace again. Hell, he was being a selfish son of a bitch.
“Did anybody tell you you’re gross?” Was his opening line and he managed to hide his own tension behind it, moving towards the bed to drop himself back on the chair he sat on earlier. He pulled it closer this time, though, wanting to have a good look on Erwin’s face. “Let’s get all of that dirt off of you.”
—————–
Erwin turned robotically toward Levi, quirking his head in a quizzical cant as he watched the Corporal take up his chair. Everyone else had already left. He’d have expected Levi to do the same. Their conversation had concluded, after all. What more was there to say?
Even now, Erwin looked at Levi as if seeing through him, eyes vacant and wide in a hauntingly faraway stare.
It was only with Herculean effort that the Commander was able to stop himself from laughing.
It was sick and sad and hilarious and heartbreaking how Levi looked at him. The joke he cracked nearly cracking Erwin in turn. His shoulders trembled and chest hitched with the laughter he repressed.
It was so fucking funny that he couldn’t even cry.
Glazed blue eyes caught Levi’s and held them fast, a crooked smile spreading across his lips like an infectious disease, tainting everything it touched. Rendering the sight of him insurmountably wrong.
“I told you. I’ve heard that for years. You aren’t the first to say so.” Erwin drawled, shaking his head dismissively. “You’ve come to clean up this mess?” Erwin continued, gesturing to himself with a smooth roll of his wrist, fingers touching his chest just above his heart.
“…..ha….haha…that’s just so like you.”
—————–
Levi stared back into those bright eyes, lips falling open as he tried to find a trace of what he usually saw there. He didn’t succeed. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if Erwin was aware it was him who was sitting there. That smile sickened him.
The way he talked had his guts in a vice grip.
He sat there, frozen in the face of a different man. He couldn’t find it in himself to comfort him. He couldn’t find it in himself to move, to open his mouth, to breathe. He’d gotten over the feeling in their conversation earlier, but now that they were alone it was more different.
“So like me, huh?” the words were spat through gritted teeth. “You know what’s like you? To take care of your fucking looks, damn it.” The paralysis had been replaced by a sudden wave of red, hungry anger tinged with the stubbornness of a boy. He got up, one knee propped up on the edge of the bed and grabbed Erwin’s jaw hard, fingers and thumb pressing into each cheek.
“Look at me, you bastard. Look at me. Don’t just—” His voice broke and he let go, but he managed to regain control. “Don’t just leave me.”
He realized that he had been reacting harshly, but questions and the weight of their situation caused him to snap. He got up from where he’d been positioned, being perfectly calm again and leaving to pour water into a bowl. He came back with shaving utensils, propping them up on the Commander’s nightstand.
“Erwin. Let me do it.”
——————————–
The sound of Levi’s voice cracking seemed to flick a switch in the Commander, whose off-kilter smile faltered and gaze flickered with the faintest hint of recognition.
They betrayed the war that waged on behind blue eyes.
We have to act.
This isn’t real
This is all too real and it must be stopped
It can be useful. A weapon. A cure. A way to end it all.
End it all.
But who is the enemy now?
‘Don’t just leave me’
Erwin bit down on the inside of his cheek until the metallic tang of blood saw fit to swell to the surface and fill his mouth.
But everything was different now. Everything had changed. This was a new world with new rules and to play the game one must master them quickly must out-think and out-play and out-move the opposition. Trust no one. Risk everything. Go all in. Think of the fucking significance.
This was only the beginning.
And then Levi was back at his side with a charming set of shaving tools, so delicate and ornate with their silver handles and monograms and silly little details that some people seemed to value.
"Please.” Erwin managed at last, voice a pale mockery of its usual authority, like a child playing toy soldier. But an imitation that required some ounce of effort. An attempt he made with all good intentions.
“I think I’d appreciate that. I must not….look myself. I must look…pathetic.”
—————–
Erwin’s attention seemed to have shifted towards the small casket of shaving utensils for a moment. Hell, did he even remember that it had been a gift? He didn’t look like it. He didn’t look like he was remembering anything.
But Levi had to force himself away from those thoughts. He picked the soap up to swirl up some foam with a brush when he Commander said those words. His voice still made him feel sick to the bone, but at least some self-awareness had returned. “Yeah.” he murmured quietly, dark orbs focusing on how white foam began to form.
In a whim, he leaned in to press his lips on Erwin’s stubble. “Rugged. A bit homeless.” he whispered against his cheek before pulling back. Actions like those seemed pointless. They were ridiculous, especially coming from him.
Give sleeping beauty a kiss and she’ll be dandy.
But you’re not the princess, you’re the dragon.
He squeezed his eyes shut for a second. He was the one who had to keep a clear mind.
When his eyes opened again, he moved to sit on the edge of the bed rather than the chair, applying the foam to Erwin’s cheeks. He was so pale there wasn’t much of a color difference. He tried to ignore the lack of another arm, but the stump was close. It became more real. But to his surprise, he wasn’t disgusted by it. He wasn’t fazed, what was wrong was the look in Erwin’s eyes.
—————–
But it was the fiery breath that re-lit the flame that burned low and prevented it from extinguishing.
Fuck the princess. There was no royalty here.
Kissed, the warmth spread immediately through icy, wan skin. The Commander felt like a corpse to the touch, clammy and cold. The infection had burned off more than just his fever. The revelations had chilled more than just his heart. But Levi’s touch would light a flicker of recognition in those hollow blue eyes, which had grown so grey and dull, like storm clouds which raged and swirled and blotted out the silent internal battle being waged behind them.
Erwin raised his chin to allow Levi access to lather his cheeks and neck, turning his head reflexively as necessary. For a moment he’d catch sight of the bandages wrapping his shoulder and immediately avert his eyes.
It was a small price to pay, but it had taken its toll.
”..How is your leg?”
—————–
Levi was too focused on renewing and spreading the foam on Erwin’s cheeks to notice the brief moment of recognition behind his eyes. He did notice, that he moved away when he was forced to look at his stump, though. He automatically stared at it, before getting the blade to start shaving.
That question, though. Nimble fingers that already closed around the handle of the razor sank, dark eyes moved to look up. A twirl of emotion took a hold of him. Something inside of his chest that he’d so carefully tried to keep out of the whole affair, clenched. It hurt. He was so relieved it hurt.
“…it’s fine.” He felt like he was sure someone was supposed to feel when they broke out into tears, but instead of salty drops, a smile tugged at his lips. It was barely visible, only those who truly knew his features would acknowledge it as such, the dark of his eyes brightening up, flickering to meet bright blue.
— “It’s still attached to me, after all.”
Maybe it was too early for crude jokes, but Levi wasn’t thinking, just wanted to say something to swallow down the need to screw hygiene and wrap his arms around the Commander’s neck to press his face into his chest so he couldn’t see it anymore. I missed you, you fucking, creepy prick. He thought and raised the blade instead, his other hand carefully grasping Erwin’s jaw to adjust his face so he didn’t end up slicing his throat.
—————–
It wouldn’t take much. Just one errant slip. A single careless motion. The thought ran harmlessly through his racing mind, there and gone in a flash. One of those fleeting impulses he’d never act on yet was consciously aware of. Just a few inches. Lean forward and feel the blade against your neck slit into the skin….
Levi would have killed him years ago, if he truly wished to.
Erwin remained compliant and still, allowing Levi’s delicate fingers to steady his jaw and turn his head as necessary. There was an intimacy to the act that Erwin relished in silence. The attention was something he enjoyed enough in better days, when Levi saw fit to dote and groom and simply stay so very close. To have that then was a luxury, and an absolute necessity now.
Irreplaceable.
Complete trust kept the Commander at ease through Levi’s strained smile and morbid sense of humor.
“….I have to say I prefer you in one piece.” Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. In the moment. Here with me.
—————–
I prefer you in one piece, too, idiot. But what had happened, happened and Levi needed to stop to try putting the blame on anyone. Blaming Erwin didn’t make sense, anyways. He could have died.
The blade moved swiftly over his skin.
He could have been torn open completely. Swallowed by a random giant with a funny face.
He gingerly knocked foam and stubble off on the rim of the bowl of water he brought and continued, feeling his warm skin under the pads of the fingers that were still steadying his jaw.
He could have never seen him again. But he was here. And they were in sync, still, no matter what ways Erwin’s mind decided to go. He was still here. He asked about his leg. He wanted him whole. Levi felt as though he was supposed to say words of encouragement, but they failed him. There was still that big lump in his throat. A bitter taste on his tongue.
So he kept working over the Commander’s face in silence, gently turning his face when he began to scrape the stubble off the other side. When he was done, he reached for a cloth to wipe away the remains of foam. He did it slowly, as though he was hoping that if he did it the right way, the man he used to know would return to him. But there was no right way. There was no manual to this.
Once Erwin’s face was cleaned up, though, the sight alone was a relief. The Corporal finally let go of his jaw, letting his fingers dance over the still perfect cheekbones. “Oi Commander Handsome. Long time no see.” he murmured dully and pulled his hand back. Another stupid joke.
—————–
Erwin endured the grooming in reflective silence, eyes simply focused on every minor movement, mapping the motions and chasing the scene. The clink of the blade on the bowl’s edge. The flick of Levi’s wrist, so bony and breakable.
Long time no see..
“Is there a mirror, Levi?” Erwin asked. It was time he faced himself. Was the least he could do when unable to battle the monsters beyond his bedside. There was one within this very room he could still manage to stare down, defeat, and devour. He’d swallowed something vile which threatened to take hold and set root should it go unchallenged. The Commander and Corporal both could feel it stir and spread its poison and the time had long since come to purify that wild, mad monster which lurks beneath the surface.
His face felt smooth to the touch when he raised his hand to run fingers across his cheek, fluttering fingertips across Levi’s as he closed his hand over the other man’s in appreciation. Catching him before he could pull away entirely. Keeping him close.
“I need to see it.” Now or never.
—————–
The question was surprising – but not really. Erwin was coming to his senses. Of course he would. Erwin was their rock, their one security. He wouldn’t just go from being the occasional creep to being completely coo coo. He had to face himself, eventually.
Levi wanted to silently follow the request, but he was being held back.
“Hey.” He murmured, only half-heartedly scolding. “One thing or the other, old man.”
But his hand felt good in Erwin’s bigger paw and he had to realize that he missed his touch. That he was yearning for it, especially in dark, confusing times. So he stilled, enjoying the feeling of the warm palm on the back of his hand and Erwin’s smooth skin underneath his own.
“Yeah, you do.” He finally pulled back to remove the bowl and shaving utensils. For some reason he didn’t feel like leaving the blades at the man’s bedside, so he let the casket that contained them slide into the pocket of his big jacket before he returned with a mirror.
He sat back down on the edge of the Commander’s bed.
“You ready to meet it?”
He waited for a confirmation and then propped the mirror up, his own eyes on Erwin’s actual face instead of its mirrored image.
—————–
Erwin met his reflection’s gaze unblinkingly, as if the man in the mirror would take any sign of weakness as an opportunity to attack. Would strike, the second he relinquished control.
The sight was not nearly as gruesome as it could have been, though dire all the same. There was some semblance of himself seated there in that frame. A window which reflected an Erwin that was not quite right.
“….I expected worse.” Erwin drawled, though he does not blink and speaks with measured words, stern and unbending. “It’s a small price to pay.”
He’d said as much earlier that afternoon when they’d all been gathered, and seemed to believe it moreso the second time around. Levi would catch his eyes flicker to the wound, mapping the bandaged remains of what was one his right arm. He could feel it, though it was long since cauterized and cut away. A phantom sense which made it feel as if he could flex fingers he no longer had, to grasp at the nothing, as there was nothing for them to hold.
“…It looks like won’t be able to salute anymore.” It was his first thought, and the Commander spoke it aloud without realizing he’d done so.
The irony was a pill just as bitter as those he’d been force-fed in fits of fever and twice as difficult to swallow.
The heart in his chest was no longer his to offer alone.
—————–
“You said that already.” Levi murmured, but more to himself than to the man on the bed. Holding up the mirror, he tried to give Erwin the time with his mirrored image he needed.
Even though the situation made him want to toss it into the nearest corner and watch it break.
It made him fidgety to watch the events unfold – Erwin, losing something this valuable. A small price to pay. For what? For slaughtering humans and keeping a fucking kill count on them? The Commander’s next remark interrupted his bitter thinking, though.
Stupid. Only that stupid big oaf would think of that first. Can’t eat decently, can’t shave, can’t wank off like he’s used to and— The thought was so typical. So much that it was almost comic.
An indefinable noise escaped his lips and he finally pulled the mirror away. He placed it on the nightstand and shifted closer in one, swift movement. It was a whim, he hadn’t thought through what he was doing, his own right hand coming to rest above Erwin’s heart, fisting the fabric there.
“Who cares.” he murmured dully, eyes half-lidded as he regarded the other man from up close. “I can salute for the both of us.” With that, he leaned in for a peck on his superior’s lips. Their lips barely touched. It was soft, appreciative and passionate at the same time, Levi’s eyes leaking how upset he truly was for the first time. How confused. How angry. How much he loved him.
—————–
When the mirror was gone, Erwin could focus exclusively on Levi. He’d met the eyes of the monster and had not faltered before him. It was encouraging, and served as a testament to his own mastery of himself. And yet…Levi could look at him with relative ease. Especially now as the smaller man leaned across the bedsheets, bestowing him with the softest of kisses.
Even if he did so though a wavering wall of tears.
With Levi’s hand still flush against his chest, he could feel the Commander’s heartbeat, just as real and strong as it ever was. Before he could resist or protest, Erwin effortlessly urged him fully atop the bed, enveloped in his arm and held tight in an incomplete embrace. But it was solid and warm and would have to be enough. It was the best he could offer now.
Erwin wouldn’t answer with words, but drew Levi atop his lap in that old familiar way, eyes narrow and alive again with the passion and confidence and unconditional unspoken unending love they only betrayed when gazing upon the one person it was all meant for.
“Levi…”
And then Erwin kissed him, desperate and full, the smallest of sorrow-sounds escaping on a single sigh against his lover’s lips.
—————–
He wanted to pull back and let it be – Erwin was in no state to mess around. But then he was pulled further on top of him, lured into an embrace. It would never feel like it did before.
But it was Erwin. It still felt like Erwin. It was still firm, dominant enough to move him with ease, especially when he didn’t reckon that it would come. The selfish thoughts that came with sentiments like those that hung between them came over him again. He wanted to lock the man up. Keep him safe, somewhere he didn’t have to go out and risk being completely fed to some gigantic jerk with a funny face. So what, titans were humans?
He didn’t like most humans. But he liked this one. He was drawn towards this one. Levi crashed into the kiss without noticing it himself, upper arms resting against the Commander’s chest, hands linked behind his neck. Back smoothly arched, he allowed himself to sink into the embrace.
They still fit.
“Stop it….” he breathed, but missed those lips too much in the moment he had separated himself from them and pressed forward again. Don’t stop.
These conflicting thoughts were all too familiar and he let them arrange their pointless competition in the back of his mind as he kept kissing his lover in a mindless heat. He felt like he was going to cry. He felt misplaced contentment take root inside of him. He scraped his fingernails across the skin of Erwin’s neck just to have something more to hold on to. If it was for him, he would have crawled inside the person in front of him.
—————–
“It’s too late….” It was far too late for that. They should have stopped before it began. Years ago. On some dirty crowded underworld street, when their eyes had met for the very first time. He should have looked away.
He’d remember his promise and how he’d kept it. Would keep it. Even if he himself was broken, his word would never be. It was stupid. They were stupid. He was so damn stupid…..and Erwin’s chest hitched as he felt an unfamiliar sting in the corners of his eyes where tears welled like acid, burning red-hot trails down his cheeks when they could be contained no longer. When the whole world wavered. There was a pain that came with forgetting how to cry and the lapse in restraint that allowed it to happen beyond his control.
But everything he needed was right in front of him, hot on his mouth and warm in his embrace, lips and nails and straddling thighs and rich cologne Erwin recognized as his own….the way it smelled when it rubbed off on Levi’s collar and subtly changed to mix with his skin. Erwin craved the whole of him and held him impossibly close, turning off the world beyond their bodies. The only fever gripping him now, the heated meeting of their mouths, kisses like fire, passionate and hot.
—————–
Yeah. Yes, it was too late. Far too late. Levi melted into Erwin’s embrace, into his kiss, into him and there was no way which he could have taken to stop the mess they had gotten themselves in.
He shivered, nails raking across Erwin’s skin through sick fabric when he felt the man underneath him twitch in a way that he never thought he would neither feel nor see. He was crying. He should have felt it earlier, should have known, but he realized it too late, still entangled in a selfish, selfish kiss. His own throat and eyes burnt with drought.
He couldn’t manage to cry, even if he wanted to. Even if he told his subordinates that crying was fine. Cry, it’s okay. He’d say, watching them break in front of his eyes. It was better than keeping it locked up inside, made actions irrational at times they shouldn’t be. The same pertained to Erwin, but it was a moment he wasn’t prepared for and that hit him with great force.
It was better than manic smiles, though.
He pushed his hands against the Commander’s chest to distance himself enough to speak, no matter how tight his grip was. He managed it, eventually, his mouth hot, body on edge and aroused even though he shouldn’t be.
“Cry.” he demanded, voice breaking around the edges as he moved his hips to arch upwards and kiss the corners of Erwin’s eyes, to spread uncoordinated kisses all across his face, the corners of his mouth. Levi was trembling as he moved, but he didn’t notice, being too occupied by keeping close. “Cry.”
—————–
“I can’t..” Erwin protested, in direct contradiction to the thin trails of tears already etching their terrible lines down his clean-shaven cheeks. But Levi kissed them away the moment they fell, lips warm and wet. Where shame and anger and sorrow all met, that perfect point of penumbra left him hollow and dull.
“Levi. You know that I can’t do that.”
Emotions are optional. Unnecessary. Complicated. He’d shut them out. Block them. Lock them up. Hide them all away the same as he always did. This was no different. This was nothing new.
Erwin tried to convince himself of it. To make it so by force of will, repeating the mantra in is head between the assault of kisses that seemed eager to suck out the poison which had settled so poignantly in his chest. Which spread and swelled until he overflowed with it. That’s all it was, he’d tell himself. A toxin to be purged from the narrowed corners bright blue eyes.
He’d let it fester far too long.
Just a few minutes. Swallow it down. Let it out. All too conflicted, Erwin simply buried himself in his lover atop him, who kept so perfectly close. He’d sob in silence, chest hitching despite himself, lips parted in a straining, soundless scream as he hid his face in Levi’s chest and held him more dear than absolutely anything, leaving hot damp stains where tears soaked through his shirt.
—————–
He knew the effect comfort had on some people. The sudden unloading of emotion that could follow the simplest touch. He had seen them break in front of his eyes – but not Erwin. Erwin had always held his head high, no matter what. A sick feeling spread in the pit of his stomach as he felt that his kisses weren’t enough anymore to keep the tears from flowing.
It was right, though.
Levi couldn’t know if it was the outcome of the recent events, or maybe of something a lot further back. Of a time when they had been far apart and their meeting seemed like the impossible idea of an especially inventive writer. But he knew it didn’t matter. He didn’t really care. He didn’t feel like it was his role to fix the man beneath him, either.
He’d be with him.
That was the important thing, that was what he had to do and he’d do his best that Erwin knew that he was indeed there. And that he didn’t have to be ashamed. That it was okay for him to break, because Levi owned a part of his heart and he’d keep it safe from harm, anyways. Fuck mirrors, the Commander had him. His fingers ghosted over the back of Erwin’s hair, repeating the same motion over and over, softly carding through it.
“For someone who says he can’t you’re doing a pretty good job…” Levi whispered, voice sounding dry. He didn’t cry. And he liked to believe he couldn’t, too.
The Commander’s grip on him was tight. If it hadn’t been, he’d pressed closer on his own accord. He was allowed to crawl right into him, if it was for him, even if it squeezed the air out of his lungs.
Levi wanted to promise him a future, the edge of the world. More than anything, he wanted Erwin to see the freedom he usually had seen in those bright blue eyes. But he wasn’t a man of good wording, and it would have come out wrong. He hated saying things the wrong way. “You remembered your promise, huh?” He asked instead, low and quiet, the question mark almost dropping away as he tried to press a peck on top of the blond’s head. Levi closed his eyes. “Thanks.”
—————————-
"I’d never forget that.” Erwin sighed on a shuddering breath, the sincerity of those words so very raw and exposed. There was no hiding now. Not while he still actively struggled to piece back the shattered shards of the walls he’d let fall away.
But when Levi saw inside it, he didn’t withdraw. Said nothing negative. Feared not the man beneath the monster beneath the mask. That was comforting. Reassuring, in itself. That in weakness, Levi would not leave him, even as years of unspoken sentiments bubbled to the surface, just barely bitten back as the Commander willed himself to hold his tongue.
Because I love you. Erwin wanted to say, but he doesn’t.
He doesn’t need to.
It’s understood.
“I keep my promises.” He replied instead, at last looking upward once Levi’s lips ghost across his forehead.
Then they were kissing again, while Erwin’s eyes still stung. He closed them tight as the last few tears trickled away. Until it was over, and he couldn’t remember how to cry anymore. Only the feeling of Levi mattered. The weight and the warmth of him, and the way their bodies so perfectly aligned, lips meeting again and again in swift, desperate succession with an affection and passion burning beyond measure.
With world-conquering love.
—————–
Yeah, you do. Levi thought, but didn’t get to voice his thoughts, lips occupied with much sweeter things than talking. He couldn’t remember the last time he had kissed just to kiss and nothing else. When there didn’t have to be a payback for comfort.
But that trail of thought came to a quick end as well. He wasn’t required to think right now. He just felt. He just existed, and not for the sake of existing for himself. He existed for Erwin right now – and that was alright. It felt good. It felt easy.
It didn’t make him want to run away.
“For what it’s worth…” He mumbled against the Commander’s lips, pressing his palms against his shoulders and still breathing a little harder from the kisses they shared.
Levi looked up at him. It would be the most committing thing that had escaped him during their whole meeting and wasn’t left untold. “…I promise you the same.” A pause, and he placed another pointless peck on Erwin’s bottom lip, fingers coming to brush the hair out of the man’s forehead.
“But you know that, don’t you?” He had gotten to a point where he felt like any careless phrase could worsen the Commander’s state again, but he wasn’t able to keep the words from flowing. “You know it, but I wanted to say it, fuck… Just so you heard it. I’ll think of you. I promise.” Even when you’re long gone.
——————–
“Thank you.” It’s all there was to say. And while it would never, could never, be said enough, it encompassed everything. Absolutely everything all the words in the world couldn’t even begin to express.
It crossed his mind that this could very well be the last chance they had. The odds were never in their favor, least of all now. Not when he’d already cheated them so recently. Not when he’d survived to see this man in this moment, with his fond touches and words. With his affectionate eyes.
It was always doomed to come to this. No matter how vehemently they tried to deny it. Despite the blind eyes and unspoken sentiments that avoided the inevitable for as long as humanly possible. They’d play their parts and dance this dance until the final curtain fell and crushed them beneath its weight as the world sought to snuff out their brightly flickering flames..
It was woefully true. A candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long, but together they would set this stage ablaze. It’s with this thought that Erwin kisses him twice as hard, heated and heavy, mouth seeking to swallow that promise. Devour it whole.
“I know you will. Let that memory give you the same strength you gave me, when it mattered most of all.” Erwin spoke softly against Levi’s lips, words a hurried whisper, soft, stilted, and so very sincere.
“I trust you.”
“ Go. Do what needs to be done.”
“ I ’ l l b e h e r e . ”
“ Waiting.”
“Doing all that I can. We’ll finish this. We’ll end it.”
“ O n c e a n d f o r a l l . ”
Fly on, proud bird. You’re free at last.
-end-