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Anne thought she had finally figured out what was causing the unquenchable scream inside her. It'd been eating at her since they came for Amphibia. No, a long time before that, actually. But she realized it then.
That day was very... strange.
The portal had closed behind them instantly and, as Marcy had said, they didn't have enough energy left to open it again. The three of them glanced at each other and then at the park where their adventure had begun. Anne vividly remembered a heavy melancholy enveloping her body. Even when she called her parents to tell them they were coming, she didn't realize she was crying until her mother told her on the phone.
Marcy couldn't hold back her tears either. They calmed down together until the Boonchuys arrived. Sasha, who hadn't said a word since they arrived, she couldn't see her face because of her hoodie. Anne shook her head and focused on the napkin in her hand. It had nothing to do with her.
"My wishes are as important as anyone else's."
It had happened on one of their usual nights sitting on the stones near the house.
"That's true. So when you come back, you have to follow your own heart. Hop Pop says it's hard to know what you want."
"My heart doesn't want to suffer again. My heart wants to turn over a new page."
"But it looks like you've already found it."
She wasn't going to care. She promised Sprig. It was time for a fresh start.
Anne learned from her parents that Marcy would stay at their house until the Wu's returned from Hopkinton to pick up their daughter. Her lips curled and then curiously straightened again. She restrained herself from turning around and asking, but her mother had already done it for her.
No, Sasha wasn't coming. She was going back home. She said she would be fine and said goodbye to them all, even though there hadn't been a single message from the Waybrights up to that point. She didn't have her usual mischievous twinkle in her eyes. Anne was startled when she turned to her. The gaze that used to sweep over her like ocean waves every time she looked at her was now empty. Frighteningly. But Anne shook her head again and remembered the new page.
That was good. The farther away the better.
Marcy stayed with them for 1 week and she and Anne healed each other's wounds. Real and metaphorical. For both of them, it was a great blow to never see the world they considered their second home again. The Plantar family wouldn't leave Anne's thoughts. She would think of them to distract herself from other thoughts, but that didn't stop her chest from tightening with pain. And Anne knew that even if Marcy didn't mention it, she too had Olivia, Yunan and especially Andrias on her mind.
Sasha had only stopped at the Boonchuys' house by once, to pick up the rest of her things and to give Marcy her new phone number. While Anne was helping her mom with dinner, they talked to Marcy in front of the door. Anne only caught the end of the conversation.
"... her some time. She's going through a hard time right now."
"I know."
"Sash..." Marcy put her hands on the blonde's shoulders. "You're going through a hard time too. You don't give up that easily. If you just—"
"That's the thing Marce. I can go on. But she can't. No, she won't. She doesn't want to."
She slung her stuffed pink bag over her shoulder. Her back was to Marcy.
"I'll be at my father's."
Anne wondered at that moment about the blonde's relationship with her mother. Considering that they only met for sleepovers at Anne and Marcy's house and that Sasha kept quiet about her family, it couldn't have been very good.
Anne had to remind herself again. It's none of my business. She didn't give me her phone number after all.
They had both cried a lot the day the Wu's arrived. Although Marcy still wanted to stay there, the negative feelings of before were gone. Hope had taken its place. She had learned that there was always a way in Amphibia. Sometimes new opportunities offer greater alternatives than old ones. She was repeating one of the words the newt king used to mutter as he filled the notes.
"To discover yourself, sometimes you have to go on your own journey. Without your companions."
"Who said this? You?"
She sniffled and turned red-eyed to her friend who handed her a napkin.
"Andrias. He said it at one of our flipwart matches."
And Marcy was gone. She and Marcy had never been separated since they were babies. They were always there for each other. They'd always supported each other. This closeness shouldn't have been so easily broken.
Anne's chest started to tighten more after that day.
Oum and Bee also started to worry about their daughter. They tried to take her to the doctor, but Anne refused. The school was already clinging to her body with all its might and not leaving her alone. She wasn't going to bother with a hospital. When she felt she couldn't breathe, it was much better to take a breath in the park. The park where they had spent their childhood. Their last stop before and first stop after Amphibia.
So she wasn't surprised when a few days later she saw Sasha playing on the swings in the same park.
She was wearing a hoodie again, kicking the cigarette, which had obviously just gone out, with her feet. Anne found it strange. She wasn't used to seeing Sasha so... withdrawn? Her hands gripped the swing chains so tightly that her knuckles were white. She was startled when she approached the crossed strings.
She was singing.
"I promised you that I'd tried to be honest
Done with my fake love, you better be going
All of my empty lies just leave a broken heart~"
The girl had been taking vocal lessons from her half-sister since she was a little girl, and so Anne didn't have to pay attention to know that she was singing correctly. Even though she didn't want to admit it to herself, she knew she would love it even if she sang the notes wrong.
Anne had always loved Sasha's voice and it wasn't because of her technique. Before that, even if she sang rock or metal almost all the time, she managed to pass that enthusiasm to the audience and to Anne who was playing her bass next to her.
But now, singing a ballad-like pop song, Anne felt as if she had discovered something new.
Her voice flowed like honey. It wasn't too loud, clearly not wanting to be the focal point at this time of night. She sang with so much emotion, even her kicks were in tune with the tempo. Anne felt warm inside despite the cool wind.
But it's none of your business. You cut off contact, remember?
This is where she made her first mistake. She took a step before she could control himself. Then another step. Then another.
"Only a deep sigh is getting thicker in the cold air
Mixed up with all kinds of emotions
It's too late to turn around without—"
Sasha stopped and looked up. The reflexes she had acquired in Amphibia were still active. She swallowed hard. The voice she had just sung with had been sucked in.
Anne.
She came to the front of the slide, to the spot where the sandbox used to stand. She was wearing her yellow jacket over her pajamas, her hands in her pockets. Her lips were slightly parted, she looked surprised.
"Why are you here?"
Sasha rolled her eyes. "You do realize we're in a public park, right?"
"You've never been here until now."
"So you've been coming for a while?"
Shut the fuck up, you idiot! No, her mouth was still moving.
"This is not about me."
"Why should it be about me? It must be about you if you're a frequent visitor here in the middle of the night."
"Oh, is that so? We haven't spoken for months and now suddenly I'm important?"
"You were always important."
Anne's jaw hung. She shook her head.
"You didn't even give me your phone number."
"Anne, I wrote the number down on a piece of paper and Marcy said she put it on the corkboard in your room."
It was true. She put it up in case she forgot to save it on her phone. That wasn't the problem.
"You didn't even look at me at school."
"It was you who put the distance, not me."
"What was I supposed to do after all you did?"
Anne could see that Sasha's face got white, although it wasn't very clear under the street light.
"I didn't say you weren't right."
She lowered her head and began to sway slightly. Anne felt her eyes burning. She rubbed them hard. Her legs ached from standing. She sat on the empty swing next door and started to swing too. The seat was now too small, but she didn't make a sound.
"Marcy?"
"What?"
"These frequent visits are because of Marcy, aren't they?"
No. There's another reason.
"Yes." She swallowed hard. "I miss her so much."
"Yeah, I get it. You two are childhood friends after all."
Anne stopped swinging and slowly returned to her side. There was something in the way she said it that ached her a lot.
"You're her childhood friend too."
"Not as much as you are."
"Didn't you miss her?"
"I..." She stood up and crushed the now completely extinguished cigarette with force. Now that she was out in the light, the red sneakers she was wearing were fully visible. With two tear marks dripping down the front.
"I don't deserve to miss either of you."
Anne didn't remember being slammed into buildings by Andrias hurt as much as this. It was as if they had thrown his whole body into the living flame. There they were cooking her slowly. She didn't even realize she was holding her breath until she let it out. Just as she didn't realize that tears were falling from her eyes. Her ears were buzzing, she could barely hear her. Her voice had become soulless.
"You were right to keep your distance. That's all a scumbag like me who brings trouble and death everywhere deserved. Well, I can't blame you. You want to protect yourself. I had you two wrapped around my finger. I stole your shoes and a lot of other stuff. I forced you to steal and vandalize. My family split up because of me. Marcy went into a shell because of me. You can't even express an opinion because of me. We went Amphibia because of me. Marcy almost died because of me. You died because of me."
Silent. A sniffle.
"Wow. It would've been better if I had never come into this world, huh? I'm sure everything would be much happier and more peaceful without—"
She stopped when she felt a pressure on her back. Yellow arms went around her waist and her body was pulled back. She could hear tiny sobs.
She hadn't spoken this much in weeks. She opened her mouth and closed it again. She was completely empty inside. Her flushed cheeks were choking her. She cleared his throat.
"Why are you crying? You were right. After all that-"
"Shut up!"
That's exactly what she did. In confusion. They stayed like that for a while. Anne tried to pull herself together as Sasha's gaze focused on the slide in front of her. That's when Anne realized that the tightness in her chest had eased.
She missed Marcy, she still miss her. But she finally admitted to herself that the scream that had grown inside her and that she could no longer contain had been there for much longer.
That body that was never cold for some reason she didn't know why. That scent of roses. That golden hair caressing her forehead. That voice she finally heard again today.
This is where she made the second mistake.
"Promise."
"Hmm?" Sasha untied her hands from her waist and spun on her shoes.
Their eyes met.
Gold against tanzanite. Anne took a deep breath. Those eyes. Gray when it rained, indigo when she was angry, turquoise when she shone. But actually deep blue that past her gaze, pierced her soul and found a place for themselves. Anne was sure. Otherwise how else could she control her heart so well every time she looked at her?
Her untied hands wrapped around her again, as if asleep. Her voice was a whisper. But why? Where was their fight just now?
Another drop fell from her eye.
"I made a promise to Sprig."
"What promise?"
And she was whispering too. As if a spell had been cast and neither of them wanted to break it. Like if they break the spell, they'll never be able to do it again.
"When I realize that my own decisions and my own wishes are just as important as those of others. But Hop Pop always told us that true desires come from the heart and are hard to understand."
"He's a wise frog, that's for sure." She was trying to lighten the mood. But they were already beyond that level. They were both shaking and their cheeks were wet.
"I thought I'd found it. I didn't want to get hurt again. I was sure that turning over a new page would do me complete good."
"It will do you good. You just need some time to—"
"No!"
Anne's cracking voice cut the silence like a knife. She had moved to pull back, but the brunette's grip was tight. Their foreheads touched under the pressure.
"It's useless. It's useless without you, Sasha."
The tears came faster. She tried to shake her body, but since they were so close, it was impossible to do so without their heads bumping together.
"You said you don't want to get hurt. You were right. You don't want someone who only brings pain to people."
"You didn't just bring me pain, Sash."
She gasped. It had been so long since that voice had uttered that nickname. The name had finally fallen from her soft red lips. One of her hands went to her golden hair and began to stroke it.
"You care a lot about justice." she started. Her gaze roamed over different parts of her face. Her hands ran down her hair. Her temple, her red eyes, her wet cheeks, her mole, her scar...
"You hate bullying. You are stubborn. You can't give up, even if it gets you killed. When we both gave up in Amphibia, you kept looking for us. You met the toads and then you started protecting them. You even risked dethroning the king to keep Grime happy and protect his kind. You protected Marcy and me no matter what. You didn't sleep or rest for all of us and led an army. You..."
Finally her hands came down to her shoulders and her arms went around her neck.
"You were my hero. You are my hero. You've tried so hard to make up for the mistakes you've made. You tore yourself apart. You thought it was for the best."
"It was the only good decision I ever made."
"That's not true. I don't want you to suffer anymore. No—" She shook her head slightly. "I never wanted you to suffer."
"But I have to!" The blonde's voice was cracking now too.
"Look what happened. Look how I've treated you all these years! You can still hate me."
"Sash—"
"Anne, please... Just..."
She closed her eyes.
"Please just tell me you hate me. Please tell me that nothing I have done can be repaired. Please put your heart-crushing eyes on the ground and tell me it was all a misunderstanding. Please drop that hypnotizing tone of voice and yell at me. Please take your gentle touch off and hit me. Please—"
She stopped when she felt her breath on her chin. Her eyes were still closed. She was afraid. Afraid of the undeserved kindness she would receive when she opened them. Anyone who cared about the other person would have run away and never come back. She would die in solitude as she deserved.
But Sasha Waybright was a self-centered, selfish asshole.
"Please kiss me."
She had barely finished the sentence when the soft lips that melted her brain latched onto her own.
Sasha and Anne had kissed before. When they found an old wardrobe at one of Sasha's parties and played seven minutes in heaven. Anne didn't know what happened then. Her plan was to sit down and complete the time. Sasha had agreed too. She had already taken out her cell phone. And suddenly she found herself between the back of the closet and her always warm body. Her hands were wrapped tightly around her waist and then... it was a blur. After they came out of the closet, they never spoke of it again. But when Anne returned home at night, she realized too late that she couldn't forget the smell emanating from her perfume and those soft pink lips, even if she wanted to.
So there was no reason why she shouldn't have hungrily clung to her the moment she heard those two words.
Intense and frantic. She felt as if she had been under water and suddenly surfaced. Like a baby taking its first breath. She had never missed a meal she hadn't eaten in a long time as much as her. Her brain was fuzzy again. Her arms tightened around her neck. How in the world had she ever thought of getting away from her? How could she think of leaving those tender fingers that drove her crazy and that body that burned like a fire that never went out?
As time passed, the kiss became slower and more passionate. Anne moaned. She couldn't stop. Her eyes wouldn't open. The smell of roses had overtaken her again. But she was calming down. The adrenaline was slowly receding. The buzzing in the brain gave way to silence again. Whatever she was doing to her was really calming her down.
They left breathlessly. There wasn't even an inch between them. Neither of them dared to separate any further. Sasha exhaled peacefully, something she hadn't done for weeks.
"Why are you doing this to me?"
She said it in one breath. Her voice sounded fearful but gentle. A tone one would never expect from Sasha Waybright.
Except for Anne. Anne was expecting. Anne knew her well now. Anne had always known her better than anyone else.
"I don't want to fool myself anymore."