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“Here, put this on.”
Namjoon watches Jeongguk taking off his hoodie and offering it to him.
“No, Jeongguk. That’s your hoodie.”
“Hyung, you’re shivering. Take it, you know my body usually runs hot.”
Namjoon’s brain adds a because you are hot that he doesn’t say out loud.
They went out to watch Kim Taeri’s new movie tonight. Seokjin was supposed to come with them, but he canceled last minute because his new Kirby videogame arrived earlier at the game store and he wanted to spend the night playing. Namjoon’s not mad. He’s been friends with Seokjin for ten years, he knows his priorities and his definition of fun, and playing video games is on top of the list. Besides, that meant he got to spend time alone with Jeongguk and he will take any given opportunity to hang out with him.
(If he would like that their outings would be a little less platonic and a lot more romantic, that’s another story. He still enjoys Jeongguk’s company and is grateful for their time together. He can put his feelings aside.)
Jeongguk bought tickets for the 10 pm screening so they had extra time to have dinner at their favorite barbeque place and walk around the park close to the theater until the movie started.
The movie was great and Jeongguk’s excited comments when something surprised him made the experience even more enjoyable for Namjoon. He kept saying what a good actress Taeri is during the whole movie, with his mouth full of popcorn, that angry-like expression on his face, and that little shake of his head. It was adorable.
After, when the movie ends and they start walking to the bus stop exchanging their impressions and opinions, Namjoon realizes the mistake he made.
See, the weather was especially hot during the day. June just started and there’s already the promise of summer in the air. Namjoon wore shorts and an old t-shirt in the morning to do his grocery shopping and he came home sweating . For his date with Jeongguk (not date date , just a friend date), he put some jeans on and a baby blue short sleeve shirt that he likes how it makes his shoulders look (he wanted to look good for no special reason, okay?).
He didn’t give it too much thought and left the apartment like that. He didn’t think it was going to be cold at night.
He should have known. It’s always the same during the start of this month and he has thirty Junes on his back. He was distracted.
“No way. I’m not taking your hoodie and letting you be the one left in only a t-shirt getting cold.”
They arrive at the bus stop and there’s no one else waiting, so Namjoon goes to sit down on the seats under the shelter.
Jeongguk follows him and sits down next to him. “Come on hyung, don’t be difficult. Put my hoodie on, I’m not going to be cold and you know it. You’ve seen me wearing fewer clothes with even colder weather than this.”
“It’s okay, Jeongguk. I only have to endure it until I’m on the bus. I won’t be cold there”. Another shiver runs through Namjoon’s body, making his voice tremble during the last part of his sentence.
Jeongguk sighs and gets up. Without a word and in a quick movement, he puts the hoodie over Namjoon’s head and the next thing he knows is that he has it around his neck, the sleeves hanging at his sides.
“My bus comes earlier than yours. Put it on. End of the discussion.”
“You’re insufferable, you know that?” Namjoon asks. He knows he has lost this battle, so he puts his arms through the sleeve’s holes and puts it down until it’s covering his torso. It fits him perfectly. Jeongguk’s body structure is smaller than Namjoon’s but lucky for him, Jeongguk likes to wear oversized clothes.
“I know,” he says with a big grin, sitting back down next to Namjoon. “Better?”
Namjoon nods. “It’s warm. Thank you.”
He doesn’t mention that maybe, part of the reason why he feels warmer it’s because it’s Jeongguk’s hoodie and it smells like him.
“You’re welcome”. Namjoon watches him, searching for any sign that tells him that he is cold (he will return the hoodie if that’s the case, no matter what he says) but he looks fine. Jeongguk runs the tip of his finger over the back of Namjoon’s hand. “Your nails are purple from the cold,” he giggles.
“Hey, don’t make fun of me. I didn’t know the weather was going to betray me like this. They will be back to normal in a few minutes thanks to your hoodie.”
“The weather didn’t betray you, you were the one who thought that we were already in summer”. He takes Namjoon’s hands and holds them between his own. His palms are warm, so warm. “I’ll protect my hyung.”
His eyes are big and round and shiny from the light of the street lamp, his easy smile makes his upper lip disappear, and Namjoon wants to kiss him. Wants to know if his lips are as warm as his hands. If his kisses are as warm as his heart.
It would be easy to lean in and check it, but Namjoon is a coward saved by the sound of a bus coming.
Jeongguk looks away and spots his bus. He squeezes Namjoon’s hands one last time and stands up. “I have to leave you all alone with the cold. Will you be alright?”
Namjoon snorts. “Dork. Go.”
Jeongguk laughs and puts his arms around Namjoon at the last second before the bus stops in front of them. Namjoon puts his arms around him to return the hug. He doesn’t want to let him go. He wants to keep him there, ask him to stay with him for the rest of the night.
He lets go when he hears the bus doors opening.
“See you tomorrow,” Jeongguk says before he turns and takes a few steps to get on the bus.
Inside, he sits on the seat that’s directly in front of Namjoon and smiles at him through the window. Namjoon waves his hand and Jeongguk waves back until the bus drives away.
When he’s gone, Namjoon puts the collar of the hoodie over his nose and takes a deep breath, unable to suppress the smile that forms on his lips.
*
His apartment is warm when he arrives. There’s no reason to keep the hoodie on (in fact, he’s starting to get a little hot in it), but Namjoon does anyway. It’s soft, smells nice, and it’s Jeongguk’s. There’s no one around to judge him.
When Namjoon is brushing his teeth, a ringtone startles him. He’s confused at first because that’s not his ringtone and the sound is coming from the bathroom, but he is pretty sure that he left his phone charging in the living room.
Then, he starts connecting the dots and realizes that the sound is coming from one of the zipped pockets on Jeongguk’s hoodie. He puts his hand inside and yep, Jeongguk’s phone is there.
He sees Jimin’s name on the screen and picks up. “Hello?”
“Oh thank god,” Jeongguk’s relieved voice comes from the other end of the line. “I realized that I didn’t have my phone on me on the bus and I’ve been anxious all the way home thinking I lost it until I arrived home and I could use Jimin’s phone to call.”
“You left it in one of your pockets. Sorry, I don’t know how I missed that it was there.”
Namjoon knows, actually. But he is not going to tell Jeongguk the reason why he was distracted enough to not realize that there was an unusual weight on the hoodie.
“Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. Give me a few seconds to calm down, though.”
Namjoon laughs. He can picture Jeongguk with his hand on his chest and his eyes closed, waiting for his heartbeat to slow down. His breath is ragged against Namjoon’s ear. “Did you run all the way to your apartment from the bus stop?”
“Yeah. As soon as I got off that bus I sprinted here. Jimin got scared when he saw me because he thought that something serious happened. He almost snapped my head off when I told him about the phone.”
“Well, your phone is safe with me now. You just have to wait until tomorrow to have it back.”
“No worries, I think I’m gonna sleep now. I’m tired and sleepy after this rush of adrenaline,” as if on cue, Namjoon hears him yawn. He watches the stupid smile on his face in the mirror in front of him. Does he always look like that when he’s around Jeongguk? Is it worse when he is looking at him? He is so obvious . “I had fun tonight,” Jeongguk says after a few seconds of silence.
“Me too. They’re projecting the movies of a director I like next week. We can go watch some of them if you like.”
“I’d love that.”
It’s embarrassing how Namjoon’s heart flutters. He wishes they could go now. He wishes they could go wherever. Wishes that Jeongguk was in Namjoon’s apartment with him. They just saw each other and Namjoon already misses him. He’s so gone.
“I’m going to hang up and get some sleep,” Jeongguk says.
“Okay. I’ll give your phone and your hoodie back tomorrow.”
“Okay”. Jeongguk hears the smile in his voice. A moment passes where they just stay there, hearing the other breathing over the line. Namjoon secretly wishes that Jeongguk doesn’t want to hang up either. “Have a good night, hyung,” he says at the end.
“Good night. Sleep well.”
Namjoon washes his mouth to get rid of the toothpaste, picks up the toothbrush, forgotten on the sink the moment Jeongguk called, and puts it in its cup before going back to the living room.
It’s late, almost two in the morning. Namjoon doesn’t think he is ready to sleep yet, so he decides to read for a bit. He sits on the couch and puts Jeongguk’s phone on the small table there, next to his own phone to not forget to bring it to Jeongguk tomorrow when he leaves the apartment. Then, he grabs the book he left there this morning, gets comfortable, and proceeds to read.
He is absorbed in the story for a while until a loud notification sound distracts him. He looks at the table and sees Jeongguk’s phone screen light up. He checks the time and, deciding it’s late enough to go to sleep, he closes the book and sits up. Before going to his room, he thinks that it would be better to put Jeongguk’s phone on silent mode, not wanting to be woken up in the middle of the night.
When he grabs the phone, there are a couple of text messages from Jeongguk’s friends that he doesn’t read because he respects his privacy. There’s also his last played song from the music app. Namjoon puts the phone on silent mode but, instead of putting it down again and going to sleep, his thumb hovers over the song on the screen.
An idea comes to his mind. He will listen to the song that Jeongguk was listening to before meeting up with him this evening and then he will go to sleep. He doesn’t think that’s invading his privacy because they share music all the time, Namjoon likes to think it’s one of their ways of communication.
And another part of him, the part that’s still wishing that Jeongguk was here with him, thinks that this is a way of feeling closer to him now. Make the wait until seeing him tomorrow more bearable.
Maybe Namjoon is being dramatic, but he is in love with his friend. He is allowed.
He enters the music app and presses play, closing his eyes to listen. He doesn’t know the song but, from the first chords, he can tell that he is going to love it. When a feminine voice, raspy but soft, starts to sing in Korean, he’s completely captivated by it. And when he hears the lyrics ‘Love that resembles your eyes, that season lost inside them striking harder than waves ’ he has to open his eyes and grab his notebook to write that down.
When it ends, Namjoon has a smile on his face and that thrilling sensation that he always feels when he discovers a new good song. He has to thank Jeongguk tomorrow and ask him for more recommendations. For now, he unlocks Jeongguk’s phone again to catch the song title and the name of the band.
He writes it down in his notebook next to the lyrics from before and he is about to close the app when he sees it.
Playing from playlist: namjoon .
Jeongguk has a playlist named after him?
At first, confused, he thinks it would be a playlist where he includes the songs Namjoon recommends, but that doesn’t make sense if he didn’t know the song he just listened to.
Curiosity gets the best of him and he clicks on his own name so the app redirects him to the playlist. There, he finds some songs that he knows but a lot that he doesn’t know, and he is more and more confused by the second.
He should lock the phone and go to sleep.
Instead, he plays the first song on the playlist.
It’s an IU song, of course it is. He knew this one but still, he listens to her sing about giving her heart to her lover, staying by their side and waiting for them. It’s a beautiful song and she’s Jeongguk’s favorite singer, but he doesn’t know what that has to do with him.
He keeps listening to the rest of the playlist trying to understand what it means. Trying to find a pattern between the songs about the giddy feeling of falling in love, the ones about the longing and yearning for the person you love, and the ones about the sadness of not having that person.
He thinks that this is a playlist he would make for Jeongguk.
And then he thinks—
No, that can’t be it. Namjoon is missing something. There’s no way that Jeongguk has this playlist for him because he feels the same.
His heart starts beating faster, feels like it’s going to come out of his chest. He tries to stay calm and be rational, tries to find another logical reason. Another reason that doesn’t make hope bloom in his chest.
Namjoon’s feelings are one-sided, he came to terms with that. He accepted that Jeongguk’s friendship is all he can ask for and that’s enough. There has to be another explanation for him to have a playlist with his name, filled with love songs, for him to listen to that playlist on his way to meet Namjoon. Another reason for—
The last three songs. Each one has a single word as a title. And when you read them together—
I love you .
Namjoon gets up from the couch, walks to one of his living room windows, opens it, and takes a deep breath. “Okay, everything is fine.”
Jeongguk likes him. Jeongguk loves him? Jeongguk thinks that Namjoon doesn’t feel the same way about him?
This is ridiculous. A loud laugh escapes his throat and once it comes out, he can’t stop. He keeps laughing and laughing until there are tears coming down his face.
If Namjoon isn’t misreading this (and a part of him is still afraid that he is), Jeongguk has feelings for him. He wants to scream it at the top of his lungs to the night sky and the buildings around him.
He wants to run to Jeongguk’s apartment, wake him up and tell him how he feels about him.
He doesn’t do any of that.
Instead, he closes the window, goes back to the couch, and grabs Jeongguk’s phone again. He creates a new playlist and starts to include every song he can think of that reflects his feelings for him.
The name of the playlist is easy. Just four simple words.
I love you too .
*
The next day, Namjoon gives Jeongguk his phone back when they meet. He doesn’t say anything about what happened last night, he doesn’t tell Jeongguk that there is a new playlist on his phone, and Jeongguk, for his part, doesn’t check either.
Namjoon is okay with that. It’s better if Jeongguk sees it when he is on his own because he doesn’t know if he can handle being present when Jeongguk does.
He tries to hide his nerves and excitement, and he tries not to be too obvious watching Jeongguk to find out if he actually is reading this right, but he doesn’t do a very good job because, at some point, Jeongguk asks him how many coffees he drank for breakfast with an amused smile on his face.
They spend a couple of hours together and it’s the same as always but, at the same time, it isn’t. Now Namjoon understands why Jeongguk’s body goes very still every time that Namjoon touches him (and he intentionally does it more). Now he understands why he looks shy every time Namjoon catches him staring (and he tries to catch him every time). Now he understands that the wide smile with the soft eyes is only for him (and he does his best to make Jeongguk smile like that as much as possible).
When they say their goodbyes, Namjoon thinks he is going to be sick. There’s this heavy sensation in the pit of his stomach, this irrational fear of losing Jeongguk because this was not what he meant with that playlist at all.
He watches Jeongguk go and has to stop himself from running after him and throwing his phone away.
*
The insistent knock on Namjoon’s door comes forty minutes later.
He is on his way to open the front door when he hears the sound of the code being punched in on the other side and the door opening, revealing a panting, wide-eyed Jeongguk.
“Hi,” Namjoon says, as if he doesn’t know why Jeongguk is here. As if his heartbeat isn’t pounding so loudly in his ears right now that he’s afraid of fainting at any moment.
Jeongguk stares at him, his chest heaving. “Why is there a new playlist on my phone?”
He’s still on the threshold holding the door, feet glued to the floor.
“I made it.”
“Why?”
“Because… I wanted to show you how I feel about you with songs.”
Jeongguk stays still for a few seconds, his breathing the only sound in the room. He looks at Namjoon, looks through him like he is staring at his soul, and Namjoon stands there, frozen.
Jeongguk steps inside the apartment and lets the door close behind him, never breaking eye contact with Namjoon.
“I’m going to kiss you now.”
He moves then, walking determined towards Namjoon. Everything happens in a matter of seconds, the time it takes Jeongguk to cross the few steps that separate them, but Namjoon notices that Jeongguk is giving him time in case he doesn’t want to do this.
As if he would say no to kissing Jeon Jeongguk.
Jeongguk stops in front of Namjoon, his eyes fixed on his mouth, so close that he goes a little crossed-eyed. Namjoon looks at Jeongguk’s lips, at the mole underneath them, the one where they match.
And because he doesn’t want Jeongguk to have any doubt that he wants this, Namjoon leans in and presses their lips together.
It’s like that’s what Jeongguk needed because, the moment their lips touch, he’s kissing Namjoon back with all he’s got.
Namjoon has thought about kissing Jeongguk a lot . Since that day, around two years ago, when they were at the beach and Jeongguk brought Namjoon a tiny crab in his hand that made Namjoon’s chest fill with warmth and woke up the need to kiss him right there (with the following mental breakdown because he realized he had feelings for his friend), it’s been a common occurrence. However, he wasn’t prepared for his soft lips that still taste of Namjoon’s lip balm. Wasn’t prepared for the content sigh that Jeongguk lets out against his lips when he puts his hands around his waist.
He can’t help the smile that grows on his lips, which only grows bigger when Jeongguk lets out a frustrated groan because he can’t kiss him with his lips stretched wide. He gives up in the end and pulls back, but there’s a smile on his lips as well. Namjoon kisses the mole under his lower lip and the tip of his nose, feels it scrunching up against his mouth.
“I think we should talk about this,” Jeongguk says.
“Yes.”
“Context for making a playlist on my phone saying you love me?”
Namjoon feels his cheeks heating up. “I swear I was not looking through your phone, I just wanted to listen to your last played song. And then I saw my name there and, well. I didn’t know you liked me like that.”
“Are you kidding, hyung? I’ve been in love with you since I met you. Everyone knows. Didn’t all those times I said that you are the most amazing person I know and that I’d follow you anywhere give you a hint?”
“I thought it was platonic! Like in a friendship way.”
“Sure, platonically wanting to kiss your bro and be with him for the rest of your life.”
“Shut up,” Namjoon says lightly and they both laugh. Jeongguk takes Namjoon’s hand and interlaces their fingers. “I’m sorry for not realizing earlier.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t say anything either.”
“Would you have said something if I hadn’t made that playlist?”
“No,” he laughs, “I was too scared.”
“Well, then I’m glad you forgot your phone in your hoodie because I wouldn’t have confessed either,” he says, squeezing Jeongguk’s hand.
“I can’t believe you like me back,” Jeongguk says. His tone is awed and low, like he’s scared to say it out loud in case it’s not true.
“I do. I’ll help you start believing it”. He kisses him again for good measure. To be honest, he can’t believe he gets to do this either. Namjoon kisses his cheek when he breaks the kiss and Jeongguk puts his arms around him, hugging him tightly like a giant koala. “Do you want to listen to our playlist together?”
Jeongguk looks up at him with his big smile and his sparkly round eyes. “I’d love to.”