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It started with a harmless conversation.
“That’s your third book this week,” Seonghwa said, intending to be a little teasing, but Mingi looked up, smile bright, practically vibrating in his seat like he did when he had found something new to pour energy into.
“It’s a part of this series, it’s really good. If you want, you can borrow it when I’m done?” Mingi offered, and Seonghwa waved him off.
“No need, I’m not really a reader,” he said, and Mingi tilted his head.
“Don’t you enjoy reading Hyung? It’s a nice chance to unwind, and it’s easy enough to bring to all our schedules, decreasing the amount of time we stare at screens…” Mingi said, lowering his book a little, and Seonghwa laughed a little.
“It takes so long though,” he said, and Mingi furrowed his brow a little, obviously concerned.
“What do you mean?”
“It just… it takes a while. To get through a book.”
“I suppose, although it depends on what book you’re reading.”
“Anyway, I never really liked reading. School kind of ruined it for me,” Seonghwa said. “The teachers didn’t help either.”
“What?”
“I would get yelled at for being a slow reader. I just never understood how the other people were so much faster,” Seonghwa said, and Mingi hummed.
“Well, you can always try audio books,” he offered, though his mind seemed elsewhere, and Seonghwa wasn’t sure where he had gone wrong.
“Maybe I will. We’ll see.”
And that was the end of that.
Until it wasn’t.
Seonghwa peered at his schedule again. He’d been trying for the last couple minutes. Looking it over and trying to rearrange the letters he could make out. But maybe he was extra tired today or maybe the lights were too bright, or maybe he wasn’t eating enough, because he couldn’t make out the times and locations he was supposed to be at.
“I’m sorry, can you tell me what this says?” Seonghwa asked quietly, shifting his schedule over to San, who gives him a worried look.
“Are you okay?” he asks, and Seonghwa nodded quickly.
“Yeah, I’m sorry, don’t worry about it,” he said, and San shook his head, gently pulling the phone from him.
“It’s okay. I was just worried that you were dizzy or something and not telling us.”
“No, I just… I think I’m tired,” he said. He couldn’t explain that the words wouldn’t come to him, knowing as he looked at the screen that he knew what was there, what the manager was telling him, but couldn’t begin to decipher it in a way that made sense on his own.
“Okay. Well, you have dance practice at 8 tomorrow with the rest of us, vocal practice at 1, and it looks like he marked you down for some private studio time at 5,” San said, and Seonghwa nodded, committing the times to memory.
“Thank you, sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, it’s fine. I just got a little worried,” he said, and Seonghwa nodded.
“I know. But I don’t want you to worry,” he tried, and San just fixed his gaze onto Seonghwa and smiled slightly.
“You can’t ask us not to worry. Not when we all care about each other. That’s what makes us strong.”
“Yeah,” Seonghwa said, and San nodded.
“You have English class in a bit, right?” he asked, and Seonghwa nodded.
“Probably,” he said honestly, and San sighed (although his smile remained).
“Go on,” he said, and Seonghwa ran off.
They were noticing something, hushed conversations coming to a stop when Seonghwa walked into the room.
The problem was, Seonghwa didn’t know what they were noticing, what they were talking about. All he knew was that it was about him and it was stressing him out and making reading harder.
“Are you okay?” Yunho asked, interrupting his train of thought. Seonghwa looked up.
“Oh, yeah.”
“So where are we going next?”
“I… ah…” Seonghwa stammered a little, trying to focus back on the paper in his hands, trying to take in the information, different characters melting together and he pursed his lips.
“Hyung?”
“I… here,” he said, handing Yunho the paper. He took it with a delicate hand, clearly more worried about Seonghwa and this is the exact opposite of what he wanted.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m fine, I just remember that I need to go do something, so I’ll be right back,” he said, and Yunho nodded.
“Okay. Just… meet us at the dressing room by 2, okay?” Yunho said, and Seonghwa nodded.
“Thanks.”
The next time Seonghwa encountered an issue, it was because of English. And it was in writing, not reading. (Although, it could be considered both).
“How do you spell ‘Guerrilla’?” Seonghwa asked, and Hongjoong looked at him.
“It’s written on the board,” he said, and Seonghwa swallowed.
“Ah. Sorry.”
“Remember it’s two ‘R’s and two ‘L’s,” Hongjoong offered, and Seonghwa nodded.
“Right.” But what was the rest of it? He was hoping for an easy way out, asking Hongjoong, their designated English speaker, to spell it out for him. Now he felt dumb and probably looked dumb too. It didn’t matter how much English they spoke, it was written down, all they had to do was copy it down.
But the letters were swimming together into something unintelligible, and no matter how much Seonghwa squinted or stared at the word on the board, he couldn’t spell it.
“Are you almost done?” Hongjoong asked, and Seonghwa nodded quickly.
“Yeah… yeah,” he said, and looked back at the board one last time, hoping that it would miraculously clear up.
When it didn’t, he hastily wrote down his closest approximation.
“You missed the ‘u’,” Hongjoong said, and Seonghwa tried to laugh it off.
“Oh, sorry, where does it go?”
Hongjoong sighed, but at last he spelled it aloud.
“G-U-E-R-R-I-L-L-A.”
“Thanks,” he said.
“No problem,” Hongjoong said, but he continued to look at Seonghwa for a while, and shot him glances every now and then for the rest of the day.
He thought he might be in the clear later, because Hongjoong wasn’t bothering him, but Seonghwa returned late from dance practice, and was accosted by Yeosang at the front door.
“I texted, if you wanted to get dinner with us, didn’t you see it?” Yeosang asked tentatively, and Seonghwa froze, feeling awfully like a deer in headlights.
“I… no,” he lied quickly, trying to relax to make it a little less obvious. “No, I think there’s something weird going on with the wifi, I haven’t been getting texts in the practice room.”
“Huh,” Yeosang said.
“I haven’t had any issues,” Wooyoung piped up, and Seonghwa shrugged.
“Maybe it’s just my phone then.”
“Maybe,” Yeosang said. His eyes were watchful though, staring into Seonghwa like he could read him like a book. And maybe he could.
“I’ll double check my settings later,” Seonghwa said, and Yeosang nodded.
“Okay. Maybe you can ask Yunho too.”
“Maybe you’re just getting old,” Wooyoung said, and that gave Seonghwa the needed distraction. He immediately swung at Wooyoung lightly, yelling, a smile growing on both their faces.
It comes down to a speed-reading challenge. A stupid variety show challenge where they need to read a paragraph as quickly as possible and summarize it, whoever finishes fastest and has the most complete summary wins. Because of course that’s how it works.
Hongjoong buzzed in first, whispering the summary to the camera and producer. Then Jongho. Yunho, Wooyoung, San, Yeosang, and Mingi. Until it was just Seonghwa left and he buzzed in to save face but when the producer looked at him expectantly, Seonghwa didn’t know what he had read, could barely make out the sentences in the soup of letters on the page, awkwardly shrugging and shaking his head. The producer moved on quickly, smiling and talking, but his eyes lingered on Seonghwa for a while longer, almost concerned.
Jongho was declared the winner after Hongjoong forgot a key fact, and Seonghwa was the loser.
He knew that the show would save face for him, probably put in some screen that had the facts to pretend that he had known them, but that wouldn’t help the looks he was getting now, from both the staff and the members.
The staff forgot about it after a long while, but the members obviously didn’t, because why would they? They were concerned, rightfully so, and Seonghwa didn’t know what to tell them.
He stayed later at the company when they were dropped off, landing in the practice room and running through choreography in an effort to forget about his embarrassment.
(A small part of him also dreaded going home, because he knew there would be no escape from his group).
When Seonghwa entered the dorm, he was immediately on edge. Silence permeated the dorm, and Seonghwa knew for a fact that most if not all of his members should’ve been home, they had left earlier than him after all.
He turned, poking his head towards the living room, and spotted everyone.
“Hey,” he said. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” San said too quickly, and Seonghwa squinted, letting out a slow breath.
“I feel like I just walked into an interrogation,” he joked awkwardly, taking off his shoes, pulling his bag off his shoulder. He looked up again when he realized he hadn’t gotten a response. “Is everything alright?” he asked, looking from face to face, all his members looking at him, the atmosphere of the room tense and quiet.
“Seonghwa, come in,” Hongjoong said, and Seonghwa resolutely stayed in the doorway.
“I’m not sure if I want to,” he said instead, and Hongjoong sighed.
“Please?”
“Is this some kind of intervention?”
“Only a little,” Yunho said honestly, and Hongjoong swatted him lightly, though that didn’t do anything to ease Seonghwa’s nerves.
“So it is?”
“You’re not in trouble.”
“That’s how these all start.”
“Look, Seonghwa, come on, just sit down for a little bit while we ask questions,” Hongjoong said and he squinted slightly.
“No,” he decided.
“Seonghwa.”
“Look there’s a reason I’m usually in charge of these, which means I know how this is going to go done. I’d prefer to stand.”
“Fine,” Hongjoong said, and then he waved the other’s onward.
“Do you have difficulty reading?” Yeosang asked.
“Nope, I’m not doing this,” he said, turning on his heel, getting ready to shove his feet back into his shoes.
“Hyung, wait, please!” Mingi called, and Seonhgwa sighed. Call him whipped, but they all were for Mingi.
“Whatever you’re thinking, it’s wrong, I’m just tired.”
“This feels like more than tired though,” San said quietly.
“Normally I manage fine, I’m sorry, I’ll stop asking and I’ll try to get more sleep,” Seonghwa placated.
“We don’t want you to just manage though,” Wooyoung said.
“Everyone manages fine.”
“No, I- Hyung, we don’t manage reading. It’s not a struggle for us. I mean, sometimes when we’re really tired, but never…”
“Never as bad as I do?” Seonghwa asked, and he nodded quietly. “I’m sure it’s fine. It’s not that big a deal.”
“We just want to help.”
“I know. But I’ve got perfect vision, it’s not an issue, I’m just tired.”
“Do you think you could be dyslexic?” Hongjoong asked, and Seonghwa blinked, confused.
“What?”
“Dyslexia.”
“I don’t… I don’t know what that is,” Seonghwa said quietly, and Hongjoong hummed.
“It’s when you have difficulty reading and writing.”
“It’s… I don’t think so.”
“Why don’t you think so?” Hongjoong asked.
“They would’ve found out about it, when I was in school.”
“But you had good grades, right Hyung?” Yeosang asked, and Seonghwa nodded slowly.
“That could be why nobody figured it out,” Wooyoung said.
“So…” Seonghwa trailed off, and Hongjoong hummed.
“It wouldn’t hurt to get tested,” he said, and Seonghwa shook his head.
“Would it even matter? I’m not in school anymore, I don’t need a diagnosis.”
“You don’t have to, but I think it might be a good idea to do it anyway.”
“I guess. I’ll think about it,” Seonghwa said. “I’m going to go to bed,” he said, and the group nodded collectively.
“Goodnight Hyung,” Yunho said, and Seonghwa nodded, slipping into his room, letting out a shaky breath.
Seonghwa was awake a long time after that.
Stuck in thought.
Part of him wanted to know, wanted to figure out if there really was something wrong with him.
And part of him didn’t want to know that the school system had failed him.
Which led to him leaving the room, making himself a cup of tea and sitting at the table alone.
Until he wasn’t.
“What are you still doing up?” Hongjoong asked, and Seonghwa sighed.
“Just thinking.”
“About…”
“Yeah.”
“What about it?”
“Just… that they missed it,” he said. “Because I didn’t struggle enough,” Seonghwa said quietly, and Hongjoong sighed, settling into the chair next to Seonghwa.
“I’m sorry.”
“I just…” he said, and Hongjoong nodded.
“I know.”
“There’s nothing I can do about it now.”
“No, there’s not,” he said honestly. “But if you decide to enroll in college courses it’ll help with that. And now that we know, and the company knows, we can help you when you need help.”
“I don’t want to be a burden.”
“It’s not a burden. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but any of the kids and me will be happy to help whenever you need it.”
“I should be fine most of the time. I’ve just been tired and a bit stressed,” Seonghwa said, and Hongjoong let out a little hum, stealing Seonghwa’s tea out from under him to take a sip. “Hey-” he started and Hongjoong shot him a look.
“Regardless,” Hongjoong said, gesturing vaguely with the mug he had claimed. “If you need or want help, we’ll be happy to offer it.”
They drifted into silence for a long moment.
“Thank you,” Seonghwa said finally.
“Always.”
A short pause.
“Can I have my tea back-”
“No.”