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When they got back from their shopping trip, Sean unfolded a map of Mexico at the kitchen table. It was huge, almost the size of a beach towel, and vivid with sharp lines and bright colors.
“Okay, enano.” Sean pulled out the chair across from him and sat down. “Time for you to go back to school.”
“But it’s still summer,” Daniel protested. It was late August, and he had no idea when the Mexican school year began, but it seemed inhumane for children to be anywhere but the beach when it was over a hundred degrees out.
“I don’t mean an actual school. You’re not ready for that. We still have to lay low for a while; and besides, your Spanish isn’t good enough yet.”
Daniel unpeeled one of the chocolate bars he’d picked up at the store and sighed. Even if Sean were the best teacher in the world, and he the best student, a month and a half of lessons wasn’t enough for him to do anything but blurt random words. His brother was right.
“But hey.” Sean touched his arm in consolation. “That’s why we’re going to do some homeschooling, alright? That way, you won’t fall too far behind and…maybe next year, well, we could see about enrolling you somewhere. Plus, it’ll be good for you to have something to do while I’m at work.”
“Okay,” Daniel said. “But what about the house and stuff? It’s barely livable as it is. And now you have a job and I’m studying—” He grimaced at the unfamiliar pastiche before him. “Geography.”
“Don’t worry about that. We’ll still work on the house, just—not all day like we have been.” Sean smoothed down the creases of the map and smiled. “So, I figured one of the first things you learn in elementary school is the states, right? The thing is, Mexico has states too, just like the US. You probably should learn all their names and where they are. Otherwise, people will think you’re dumb.”
“Do you know all of them?”
“For the most part. Dad taught me when I was little. From that big atlas he had.” Sean cleared his throat. “I might be a little rusty, but will you accept me as your teacher, young apprentice?”
“Hmm.” Daniel bit off another piece of chocolate. “Okay, sure. I guess.”
“Loving the enthusiasm.” Sean rose, patted Daniel’s shoulder. “Get started while I put away our groceries.”
“Wait. Do I get…a reward?”
Sean rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure. Let me just order you a new PlayBox with all the money we don’t have.”
“That’s not—” Daniel huffed. “Never mind.”
A moment passed before Sean started unbagging the groceries. Daniel glared down at the map. His eyes were hot, and the borders of the states swam together. He couldn’t even finish his chocolate bar.
“Look, Daniel—”
“I didn’t mean a PlayBox. I know we can’t afford anything like that right now.” Daniel sniffled.
“I know. I’m just…tired today. Sorry.”
“I’m not as spoiled as you think I am, Sean.”
Sean came up behind him and rubbed his back. “I know you’re not, Daniel. You’ve been such a brave little guy and—the truth is, I wish I could spoil you. You deserve it.”
Daniel tilted his head back; Sean grinned down at him. The setting sun through their kitchen window shone around him like a halo.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Of course.” Sean nodded to the map. “Tell you what, if you memorize all the states and where they are, I’ll see what I can do about a reward.”
“Oh, awesome!” Daniel popped the last of the chocolate into his mouth. “I’m going to memorize the shit out of this, Sean.”
Sean chuckled. “Okay, little wolf. Just let me know when you think you’re ready for your test.”
The next day, after their dinner of grilled fish and rice, Daniel joined his brother on the back patio. Sean was smoking a cigarette and grinding his bare feet into the sand. Daniel decided not to comment on the smell, no matter how much he disliked it. The only time Sean smoked in the evening was when he’d had a bad day at work on the wharf.
“Okay, I think I’m ready,” Daniel announced.
Sean arched his eyebrows. A tendril of smoke curled up from his lips quizzically.
“You memorized all 31? And where they are?”
“I think so.”
“Alright.” Sean inhaled, blew tobacco at the stars, ashed his cigarette onto the pale white sand. “Which state are we in right now?”
“Sonora. Duh.”
“And which state is east of us?”
“Baja California.”
“Wrong.”
“Wait, I meant—”
“You need to study more, enano.” Sean lay back on the concrete and closed his eyes. “I’ll draw a blank map, too, so we can do a proper test.”
“Well…okay,” Daniel replied, feeling humbled. He wanted to assure Sean that he knew which state Baja California was, but he wasn’t sure if admitting that he’d confused east and west would come off any better than not knowing it at all.
“I’ll take a shower before bed,” Sean murmured, after a while. Daniel always complained when Sean came into their shared bedroom at the end of the day smelling like fish or cigarettes.
“Thanks,” Daniel said. “I wish you’d quit, though.”
Sean’s cheeks dimpled. He didn’t open his eyes.
“My job cleaning fish, or smoking?”
“Both.”
“I’ll find something better eventually.” Sean tossed his cigarette butt onto the warm beach. “Maybe a job that doesn’t stress me out as much.”
Right then, Daniel felt himself welling up with gratitude for all that Sean had done, and was still doing, for the two of them. He wiggled across the cement patio until he was flush with his brother and threw one of his arms across him. When Sean fluttered open his eyes in surprise, Daniel snuck his other arm under his back.
“Daniel?” Sean frowned. “What’re you doing?”
“Giving you a hug.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. I just wanted you to know that—that you can talk to me if you’re sad or angry or upset. About work, or anything. You don’t have to keep it inside. And…maybe then you wouldn’t have to smoke as much.”
Sean reached up to stroke Daniel’s arm. “Thanks, enano.”
“No worries.” Daniel scrunched his nose. “Ew, you reek. Take an extra-long one tonight, okay?”
Sean assented with a laugh. That night, on his way from the bathroom to their bed, he stopped at the kitchen table and traced his index finger over the map’s folds. Daniel fell asleep counting the states of Mexico, wondering which of them Sean had touched.
By the following weekend, Sean had acquired sheets of paper large enough for a blank map, and Daniel felt adequate confidence to make his first real attempt at passing the test. They sat at the kitchen table after Saturday breakfast, Sean at the north of the country, Daniel at the south. Daniel penciled in the states he knew best first.
“S-I-N-E…A?” Daniel glanced up at his brother. “Does spelling count?”
“Yes. You’ve got to spell the names right, dude.”
“Aw. But I don’t even know the language!”
“You don’t have to know Spanish to know how to spell them. You know how to spell California, right? Nevada? Colorado? Those are Spanish names.”
Daniel grumbled for a while before settling on S-I-N-E-L-O-A. Sean observed impassively.
“Just remember our practice yesterday,” he said. “You had to sound out some of the names then, right?”
“Uh-huh.”
“That’s the nice thing about Spanish. Everything’s spelled the way it sounds. Not like English.”
“But I don’t know Spanish,” Daniel repeated.
“Don’t get frustrated, dude. Focus.”
“Okay, okay.” Daniel filled in one of the vast states to the east with Durango. “So, what reward am I getting?”
“Who said you’re getting a reward?”
Daniel furrowed his brow.
“You have to get a 100% on the test first.”
“Fine. When I ace the test, what’s my reward going to be?”
“What do you want?”
Daniel blinked, tapped the tip of his pencil over the Pacific Ocean. Junk food seemed like too small of a reward for all this work, but something to play games on would be way too expensive. Maybe a whole shitload of junk food?
“I don’t know. I thought you’d decide.”
“Nah.” For some unsettling reason, Sean was openly smirking at him. Daniel figured it had to do with how he’d spelled some of the states.
“I get to decide?”
“Sure. It’s only fair. You ace the test, you choose the reward. Within reason.”
“Alright, awesome! Watch, Sean. I’m about to crush your test.”
As it turned out, he didn’t crush the test that afternoon. He didn’t even come particularly close—a few states were misspelled, some of them were entirely incorrect, and there were even a half-dozen or so that he’d blanked on. Sean didn’t crow over his brother’s hubris, though. He just said they’d practice again later, after they finished scrubbing the graffiti from the house’s side walls.
The next weekend, Daniel tried Sean’s exam again. It was September now but not at all cooler. The inside of their concrete-box house had to be 110 degrees, and Daniel swore he could feel his brain boiling.
“Can my reward be an air conditioner?” he panted. A fat droplet of sweat fell from his brow onto the shores of Colima. At least, he was pretty sure it was Colima.
“No way. Sorry, dude. Maybe if we can get solar panels installed one day.” Sean pointed the box fan in his direction, baring his neck to it. “Way too much electricity.”
“Stop hogging it.” Daniel kicked him under the table. “I’m the one that has to concentrate, remember?”
Sean angled the fan back towards Daniel, not bothering to protest. He clambered to his feet, stripped off his drenched T-shirt, and paced back and forth. Daniel dropped his pencil and stared.
“I remember Dad used to say that it got kind of chilly here in the winter,” Sean said, full of hope. “Not as cold as Washington, but…I guess it’s something to look forward to.”
“Yay,” Daniel said languidly. “Can you stop doing that? It’s distracting.”
“Doing what?”
“Walking around in front of me. With no shirt on.”
“Okay, jeez.” Sean slunk to the open kitchen window and bent over the sink, sticking his head out into the breeze. For reasons Daniel didn’t fully understand, he found it even harder to focus now than when his brother had been pacing.
In the end, he didn’t do any better on this attempt than his previous one. Though Sean questioned whether he was an ineffectual tutor, Daniel placed the blame squarely on the temperature. It was too hot for geography, and definitely too hot for geography in Spanish. He didn’t mention how Sean had distracted him with his display of skin, even if he still couldn’t get it out of his mind hours later. It seemed an awkward thing to admit, and embarrassing, and almost certainly something which his brother would use to make fun of him. It also made no sense. They lived beside the beach; they saw each other in their swimsuits all the time. There was no reason Sean’s bare torso should’ve disrupted his concentration, and yet it had.
After that, Daniel didn’t bring up the map again until the heat wave over the Gulf of California had passed. It was the middle of September by then and Sean had a new job at an organic dairy farm 20 miles inland. He’d traded the scent of fish guts for cow manure, but at least he seemed to smoke less often. He said he spent most of the day with the animals, either in the barn or out in the pasture, and that cattle were easier to be around than other people. After everything they’d been through in the past year, Daniel could understand that.
“I think I’m ready to try again,” Daniel said. It was a lazy Sunday afternoon, breezy and not too humid. They were sitting on their beach, drying off post-swim, under the shade of twin towering fan palms. Daniel liked to imagine that they’d been planted by their dad.
“Los treinta y un estados de México?”
“Sí, Sean.”
“Make sure you don’t mix up Zacatecas and San Luis Potosí again.”
Daniel groaned.
“And don’t forget the accent on Querétaro.” Sean bumped his shoulder. “Querétaro.”
“I know, I know. Now it’s not only spelling; I have to get all the accents right. Even though I don’t know Spanish.”
“Accents are part of spelling, enano. But like I said, just sound out the word. It’ll naturally help you figure out where the emphasis falls.” Sean scratched his lower abdomen, where the hard work of the past couple months had carved out a defined set of abs. “At least, that’s what helped me when Dad was teaching me.”
“I wish I could learn from Dad.” Daniel paused. “I don’t mean that you’re a bad teacher. It’s just—”
“I know.” Sean put his arm around Daniel. “Dad was better.”
“Maybe. But….” Daniel beamed. “You’re pretty good, too.”
Sean laughed. “Aw. Thanks, little bro.”
Daniel made great strides this time. He got 25 of the 31 states right, nailing every letter and accent. The six that remained were either far from Sonora, possessed difficult names, or both.
“Almost,” Sean said. He got up and started rummaging in the refrigerator.
“So close,” Daniel whined. “What’s for dinner?”
“Bean and cheese burritos. And I got some tomatillos to make salsa, too.”
Daniel hummed with approval. Of all the vegetables that had reentered their diet since they’d moved to Mexico, he liked tomatillos the most. They were like sweeter tomatoes. Plus, they wore capes.
“Have you been thinking about what you want, Superwolf?” Sean lopped off the top of a serrano pepper and shook out its seeds. “You’ll pass my test pretty soon.”
“My reward?” Daniel said. He watched the golden sunset on Sean’s strong back, admiring the way it curved along his newly broad shoulders. Neither of them had bothered putting their shirts back on after the beach.
“Yeah. I make a little more at the ranch, you know. Maybe I can buy you a new pair of shoes or something.”
“Hmm, I guess that’d be cool. Even if we never wear shoes here.”
“You should have a pair that fits anyway. You’re going to outgrow the ones we came here with pretty soon.”
Daniel hunched over the table, narrowing his eyes at Guerrero. He didn’t want to think about outgrowing the last few vestiges of their earlier life, even if it was inevitable.
“Hey, it’s up to you,” Sean said. “I was just making a suggestion.”
“What about….” Daniel trailed off. “Something free?”
“A free reward?” Sean scoffed. “Are you trying to trick me into something?”
“No!”
“What is it, then?” Sean crinkled off the husks of the tomatillos. “If it’s something like, ‘I do all your chores for a month,’ you can forget it. I’m already dead enough when I get home from work.”
“No, that’s not it. Not exactly.”
Sean quirked an eyebrow before returning his attention to the cutting board. Daniel gazed at the dark stubble above Sean’s lips, at the silky spray of armpit hair that peeked out every time his brother reached for a new ingredient. He wondered what it felt like to have hair there. He wondered how it would feel to touch Sean in those places. He wondered if Sean would let him, if he asked. Was it normal to be curious about things like that?
If only Dad were still around. He’d know. And it’d be way easier to ask him than Sean.
“So, are you going to tell me?”
Daniel started. “Huh?”
“What you want.”
“Oh. Uh, no. Not yet. I’m still making up my mind.”
“Okay then.” Sean stirred the pan of refried beans. “Dinner should be ready soon, so clear the table and wash up.”
Later, in bed, Daniel stayed up to watch Sean sleep. Back when they were on the road, he’d always been the one to drift off first; Sean said he was a “noctámbulo,” whereas Daniel was a “madrugón.” That had switched around when Sean got his job at the wharf, which started at dawn. Now Daniel was the one who fell asleep second and woke up alone. He hadn’t liked it at first, but he wasn’t minding it as much lately. Late nights were the perfect time for him to look at Sean without worrying about being caught.
Truth be told, he wasn’t sure why he was so worried about being found out. He’d always liked watching his big brother, looking up to him, emulating him, and both Sean and their dad knew that. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for him to stare at Sean with his jaw hanging open and for Sean to quip that he was letting flies into his mouth. But he’d never felt weird or guilty or wrong about how he looked at Sean. Now he did.
He was sure Sean would know why these changes were happening, but he was equally sure he couldn’t ask him about them. Not when they were getting along so well these days. Not now that Sean was all he had.
“Daniel?” Sean mumbled.
“Huh?” Daniel faked a cough, mortified that he’d been discovered. “I mean, yes, Sean?”
“Oh, you’re still awake?” Sean buried his face in his pillow. “Thought you fell asleep with the light on. Can you turn it off?”
Daniel doused the lamp and settled into his half of the mattress. The bedroom felt static, airless, in defiance of the windows open to the sea breeze. He threw the sheet off his body and sighed. Sweat clung to every inch of his skin, and not from the heat.
Something was off with him, he knew that. But it wasn’t Sean’s fault. He’d try to figure it out on his own, for Sean’s sake as well as his.
It was finally the day. A week had gone by since his last attempt, and he’d practiced at least an hour every afternoon. It was Sunday again; they were on the beach again. Sean seemed to sense his brother’s impatience.
“You hungry?” Sean said. He peered up at Daniel from his beach towel. “You can make yourself a sandwich. I’m not cooking until dinnertime.”
“No, I’m okay.” Daniel shook the sand from his hair. “I was just thinking about the states.”
“Hopefully about Tamaulipas, Nayarit, Morelos, Hidalgo, Tlaxcala, and Campeche,” Sean said, rattling off the six he’d missed last time.
“Obviously,” Daniel retorted, only a little defensively. He glanced at Sean’s lips. “And I’ve been thinking about my reward, too.”
“We’ll see.” Sean waved his arm. “Go get one of the blank maps. We’ll do it out here.”
When Daniel returned from the house, Sean was sitting on the towel with his legs crossed. He motioned for Daniel to take a seat in front of him, then passed him his sketchbook and pen.
“So you have something to write with. And on.” Sean rolled his neck, stretched his arms to the sky, and Daniel stared at his dusky pits.
“Um.” Daniel tore his eyes away. “Thanks.”
“Alright, get started. I’m anticipating perfection, Superwolf.”
“Don’t worry, Silver Runner. I won’t let you down.”
Daniel raised his pen and began. The northwest was always the easiest: Baja California, Baja California Sur, Sonora, Chihuahua. He already felt an attachment to these places, almost like they were the friendly old-timers who waved to him and Sean when they walked to Abarrotes Carmelita for groceries.
The middle of the country came next, in part because Daniel was always afraid of messing it up. In the beginning, he’d struggled here. This was “El Bajío,” according to Sean, and the states here had long names and amorphous shapes. But he’d practiced this region of Mexico more than any other, and he was confident that he had it in the bag.
“Interesting,” Sean said evenly, as Daniel scrawled Aguascalientes into the state’s minuscule borders. “Are you sure about that?”
“Stop it,” Daniel muttered.
“Okay, okay.” Sean batted his knee. “Just playing with you.”
Daniel grunted. He was doubling back to the north of the country now, filling in Coahuila, Nuevo León, and Tamaulipas. They were only three states, and yet for some reason, errors here had held him back in each of his prior efforts. He was sure he’d spelled them right this time, however, and in the right order from west to east. At least, pretty sure.
“Alright,” Sean commented. “You’re about halfway there.”
“Uh-huh,” Daniel said back. He scribbled Veracruz along that state’s long coastline with the Gulf of Mexico, and then Puebla and Tlaxcala further inland. The latter had been a particular thorn in his side, and even now he wasn’t sure he had it right. But at least this time he’d labeled it intentionally instead of blanking on it as he’d done in the past.
“Only about ten left now,” Sean said. “Almost there, enano.”
Daniel smirked at Michoacán. “Oh, now you’re on my side?”
“I’m always on your side, Daniel. Even when you don’t see it.”
“I know.” Daniel looked up and took a breath. Sean smiled at him. Would he still be on Daniel’s side once he heard what he wanted for his reward? Probably, but that didn’t exactly make it easier to say it.
“Hmm, okay.” Daniel wrote down Oaxaca and Chiapas, then turned his attention to the Yucatán Peninsula. According to Sean, there were ancient temples there, deep in la selva, as well as the asteroid that had ended the dinosaurs. Maybe one day, if the two of them ever felt like another road trip, they could plan to visit. For now, though, it seemed impossibly far away.
“Careful,” Sean teased. “You don’t want to fall at the last hurdle.”
“Something you’d never do,” Daniel said tartly. “Track star.”
Sean laughed. “Ooh, you got Campeche! That’s been a tough one.”
“Shh! I need to concentrate.”
“Mhm. I probably need to brace myself for whatever your reward is, anyway.”
Tabasco, Yucatán, Quintana Roo. Daniel went back to review everything from north to south, put down D. F. over Mexico City to boot, and handed the map to Sean. His brother laid the paper down between them.
“Let’s see.” Sean’s finger ticked from state to state, and a pleased hum issued from his throat with each correct answer. Daniel looked on, his mouth dry, certain that he’d finally done it and equally certain that he’d tripped up somehow. On some level, he was more afraid of success than yet another failure. Success meant telling Sean what he wanted. Success meant setting himself up for rejection by the most important person in his world.
“Well, Daniel.” Sean beamed at him. “Looks like you’ve mastered los treinta y un estados de México. High five.”
“Alright!” Daniel cheered. “I knew I had it this time.”
“Yup, you did. Which means—” Sean shrugged theatrically. “I owe you a prize. I guess.”
Daniel shrugged back before averting his eyes. He studied Sean’s furry legs, the thin trail of fluff above the waistband of his orange board shorts, the diamond of black hair in the middle of his chest. He stalled for a long time at Sean’s plump, salt-stung lips. Finally, he met Sean’s gaze again.
“So?” Sean said. “You going to ask me for this ‘free reward’ of yours, or what?”
“S—Sí, Sean.” Daniel swallowed. “Un beso.”
Sean blinked. “‘Un beso?’”
Daniel nodded.
“You know that un beso means—”
“A kiss.” Daniel wet his lips.
“And…why do you want a kiss?”
“Because they’re nice. Dad used to kiss us all the time.”
“On the cheek. Or the forehead.” Sean exhaled. “Is that what you mean? For a second, I thought—”
“On the mouth.”
“Oh.” Sean rubbed his nape. “No, Dad didn’t do that.”
“But we can. Can’t we?”
“Why?” Sean said, sounding genuinely perplexed. “Who gave you this idea?”
“No one. I just want to kiss you, Sean.” Daniel crept forward on the beach towel, wrinkling the map of their adopted country under his knees. “And you said I’d get to choose the reward.”
“Enano—” Sean held him at bay, his right hand to Daniel’s chest. “I don’t think—”
“Please, Sean.” Daniel fluttered his eyelashes. “You’ll make me so happy.”
Sean’s Adam’s apple bounced up and down. His brows knitted and unknitted. He flicked his eye to Daniel’s lips, then immediately away. He sighed. He dropped his hand.
“Alright, I guess.” Sean cleared his throat, a beat longer than normal. “If that’s what you want for your reward, I guess it’s okay.”
No sooner had those words left Sean’s mouth than Daniel leaned in and kissed him. His brother’s lips were hot and soft and tasted of the cans of sugary sweet strawberry juice the two of them had popped open after their swim. A second passed, and when a warm stream of breath came out through Sean’s nose, Daniel inhaled it greedily. He felt dizzy and weak, the way he got after walking under the midday sun for too long. Even so, he didn’t want to stop. If he pulled away, the kiss would be over.
“Okay, little cub.” Sean straightened up, breathed, and opened his eyes. “Un beso. Don’t take advantage.”
Daniel gazed longingly at Sean’s lips, but respected his brother’s wishes. Sean was fisting the butter-yellow beach towel on either side of his hips; he had his good eye fixed somewhere on the western horizon, as if searching for something in the distance. It was hard to know what was going through Sean’s mind at times like this, when he looked up at the sky and retreated into his own inner world. Sometimes Daniel wanted to be a part of that world so badly it ached.
“Thanks, Sean. That was a great reward.”
“Uh-huh,” Sean said ambivalently.
“Too bad I only have 30 more.”
Sean turned to him. “What?”
“Treinta y un estados, treinta y un besos. It’s only fair.”
“What’d I just say about taking advantage?”
“Come on, Sean. It doesn’t even cost you anything. And it’d make me really happy. I’ll study even harder for our next lesson, I promise!”
Sean shook his head grimly. He flopped back into the beach towel, his head hitting the beach’s pearly white sand. When Daniel reached down to clean the grit from his hair, Sean groaned.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into you, enano.” Sean rubbed his face with both hands. “Hopefully it’s a phase you’ll grow out of.”
Daniel caressed his brother’s cheek, ghosted his thumb along the bow of his strawberry-red lips. He still didn’t know why he had these feelings, but he was sure they weren’t something he’d grow out of. They were something he was growing into.