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He could remember a time when he hadn't felt like he had to compete with the others for her affection. In his moments of sulking, his mind would wander back to the night he'd first laid eyes on her. He'd been the first to meet her, something no one would ever be able to take away from him. On that night, whilst the others lay in bed, it was Shigure who'd gotten the privilege of looking into the eyes of god, soul recognizing soul. He would swear it until the day he died that the bond beheld that night was one that ran deeper than that of a mere animal spirit and its god. It wasn't romantic love, at least not in the beginning, but it was love in its purest form.
As Akito grew, his love for her did as well. Despite the hours he'd spent at her side, his efforts appeared to be in vain when she began to take interest in the others. Over the years, he'd observed her interaction with them, often finding himself feeling envious. Akito took no interest in Kagura, Isuzu and Ritsu, claiming that they were "boring" and "annoying". For obvious reasons, she didn't like being around Ayame. Hatori and Kureno were the only two Shigure often found himself feeling jealous of. Although Hatori was one of his best friends, it was still difficult to watch each time Akito embraced him.
“Shigure, she's like this with everyone and we love her. It's what we were born for. Your love is just different," Hatori had said to him many times. Still in the delicate throes of love and youth, the zodiac dog often didn't understand his own feelings. Surely these were the feelings of love that he'd read about in novels yet those around him thought him foolish for harboring such delusions. Perhaps the only one that understood was Hatori and naturally that was only because he'd been forced to listen to hours of rambling from Shigure. There was no doubt in his mind that the love was different but given that he couldn't quite put a name to the kind of love he felt for her, he simply considered his love to be superior somehow.
There was a certain ecstasy that came from being near her. Even if she wasn't right in front of him, giving him the attention he desired, just knowing that she was within the same vicinity as him was intoxicating. In his mind, there was no way that any of the others felt this way. He often found himself seated on the engawa, reading near the outside of her bedroom. Many times it seemed as though she could sense when he was nearby. There had been countless times when she'd laid across his lap and listened to him read, every word he spoke had been meant to be music to her ears. He took pride in knowing that she never asked the others to read to her as she often did with him.
The day had been sunny, slightly warmer than the average day in late March. Whilst the other boys were hard at work on their homework, Shigure was doing what he did best which was avoiding his responsibilities. Reading near Akito's room seemed like a far better idea than doing homework. This was nothing new and those around him had grown tired of trying to correct his behavior. Everyday, regardless of the weather, he found himself outside in hopes that she'd find him and he'd get even a sliver of her attention.
He held his book in one hand, reading each word carefully. Although he preferred fiction over all other genres of literature, he'd recently developed an affinity for romance. On his last library visit, he'd chosen a book which had surprised everyone, including himself. It wasn't until he began reading the book that he realized his feeling for Akito had inspired his choice. The book consisted of love letters written by the author and his wife. Shigure had never read something so brutally honest and painfully relatable.
Quiet footsteps approached, stopping a couple of feet away from him. He held his breath and didn't set his book down. Although aware of her presence, he didn't turn to look at her. Distracted by her presence and the effect it had on him, he’d stopped reading.
"Shigure, do you love me?"
He was taken off guard. It was an absurd question although given her age, he supposed he could understand why she'd asked such a ridiculous thing. Perhaps, to her, his love wasn't as obvious as it was to the others around them. Surely even the maids knew how he felt at this point. Though the question was absurd, he'd never been so sure of the answer. His love, still innocent in nature, was like air to him. It came naturally and he was sure he couldn't survive without it. She was far more precious to him than anything in the world.
Sigure chuckled, setting his book down as he turned to look at Akito. She was vision in all white, looking more angelic than either of them could ever be. The contrast between her dark hair and her clothing made her stand out within the sea of camellias and greenery. He swore he'd never seen anything more beautiful.
"Have you been walking around the compound asking everyone that?" Amusement overtook him as he realized that she most certainly had. Of course all the others she'd encountered on her way to him had likely sworn their undying love to her but Shigure knew that none of them loved her the way that he did.
"I'm the one asking questions here." Her voice was that of a girl who knew her own power and yet she still sounded like a child. It never ceased to amuse him that this tiny little thing that stood before him now somehow held more power in her tiny hand than anyone could ever hope to. There was a pause as if she were searching for the right words to say next. "So do you?"
He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and tell her that in his world, she hung the moon. Every beautiful word to ever exist existed only to describe her. He wanted to tell her that he couldn't imagine that a day would ever come when he didn't love her. Unfortunately, she was far too young and immature to understand his feelings. His words would never change the fact that she didn't belong to him and likely never would unless he found a way to sever the ties that bound the others to her. He would move mountains if that's what it took until they were the only two people in the world, their world.
With a smile, he rose to his feet and reached out to pluck a single camellia flower from a nearby bush. A gasp escaped Akito's lips as Shigure held the flower out to her. He could see that she was surprised by this gesture. Sometimes he forgot that not many saw her as anything more than god or the family head.
"I care about you more than anyone else. I always will. That's an unwavering truth. Yes, Akito, I love you." His words were a vow he'd honor for the rest of his life, even on the days when loving her proved to be difficult. For him, she would always be the great love of his life. Nothing would ever change that. In his dreams, they'd run away together but those were merely dreams. Their hands brushed against each other as she reached out to take the flower. Silence surrounded them as he leaned in to kiss her cheek. Her eyes were wide with confusion and shock but he could make out the faint smile on her lips.
"I'm always thinking about you. Before you came, something was missing." She had been the missing piece, the thing that had given his life purpose and direction.
Taking both of her tiny hands in his, he leaned in closer. "Don't you know? It's here. Eternity. It's right here." He placed her hand over his heart, a gesture meant to let her know that she owned his heart in a way that no one else ever would. One day she would see that no one would ever love her with such an intensity. He'd spend the rest of his days proving that to her.
They stayed like that for longer than he'd expected. Enjoying their closeness, he'd refused to be the first to break away. When she finally moved away, she stayed holding onto his hands. Shigure wanted to ask her how she felt about all that he'd said. Her attention seemed to be on their hands and he found himself wondering what she was thinking. After what seemed like hours, she finally looked up at him. "Shigure, will you read to me?"
He'd been expecting this question and naturally, he obliged. They sat side by side, her head resting on his shoulder as he began to read aloud. It wasn't long before she'd moved so that her body was spread across his lap and soon she was asleep. He found himself stroking her cheek as he read the final sentence on the page.
"I love her and that's the beginning and end of everything."
He'd never read something so relatable. Her birth had been the beginning of a love that gave him something to live for but it was also the end of everything he'd known before her. Now there was nothing that mattered without her. Even if she were to become the ruin of him, he'd love her as the world collapsed around him, until the very end.
She doesn’t know how to describe the feeling. She thinks of a pool. Over the course of her years spent with her newfound family, she feels like she’s gone from standing at the edge of the pool to dipping her feet in, and now to submerging herself in the water. And though it was cold and alarming at first, she realizes that she just wasn’t used to such crystal-like beauty. It cleansed her and gave her a clean slate to start anew. And, slowly, the water became warm and welcoming. She now has a pool of wondrous treasures, her happy times so swirled together that it’s just been one grand period of time for her.
But now she feels like she’s out of the pool, and the air pierces her skin so harshly it shakes her body. Now, unlike before, when she was numb to such things because she’s never bathed in the pool of happiness, she feels her limbs ache from the frigidity. And, even though it’s been so long, she wants nothing more than to look down from it all.
Admittedly, the girl in the marriage resume is much more refined than Sawa could ever appear to be. She stands so sophisticated in many of the photographs in her folder, and Sawa is reminded of the gossip she heard a few of the maids around the estate whisper to one another. Despite her lack of contact with her mother for almost four years now, the residents and servants here are well aware of who Sawa’s mother was. After announcing their relationship, Sawa noticed how eager some were to chatter about the many flaws she has. And that becomes much more transparent when looking at the resume.
She hasn’t felt so inferior in so long. Shiki is always sure to make her feel so special and inspired to embody a sliver of the grandness she’s been given. But now she feels like it’s been wasted on her.
The door slides open. She lifts her head and turns to see a young man in a suit, the black of it contrasting greatly with his porcelain skin. But his face pales even further when he sees the contents in Sawa’s hands, and she stiffens and instantly slaps the folder down on the desk. She tries her best to smile, but she knows it must be so obviously forced as she stutters, “Sh-Shiki-kun! I didn’t know you’d be home so soon!”
She hears footsteps near her. A slender hand reaches out and grabs the resume. Sawa thinks about how much they’ve grown. Their hands used to be the same size back when she was in high school, and her hand felt so full with his in it. But, as their love grew, so did that hand. It envelopes her own every time. Even now, as Shiki uses his other hand to take hers, Sawa feels the warmth seep into her palm, and, instinctively, she relaxes from the touch.
“I didn’t accept this willingly,” Shiki assures.
“You don’t have to explain—” Sawa begins.
“A business partner of the family forced it on one of the maids, and they passed it on to me. I was going to return it tomorrow.”
Part of Sawa is relieved to hear that it was just an inconvenience for Shiki. However, most of her feels a cold weight settle in her chest. Shiki shouldn’t have to say anything to her; she should already know better. Of course it was business-related. Of course it was just a tedious, unwarranted gesture. Of course it was something Shiki never asked for.
But she didn’t think of that immediately. She didn’t think logically. Instead, she made a beeline to the dark blob in the back of her mind. It reminds her of something her mother used to always tell her, something she hears echoes of to this day.
“Ah, but, Sawa-chan, you’re not really the likable type.”
And, staring at the girl on that marriage resume, she thinks that maybe that was one of the few things her mother was right about.
Sawa feels the grip on her hand and lifts her head. Shiki faces her with an expression dripping with concern and guilt, and Sawa feels her heart soak up the overflow. There’s no reason why Shiki should feel responsible for any insecurities she possesses — she should be better than this. She musters another smile.
“I’m fine, really! I just— well, she’s very pretty, and I was just looking! I didn’t mean to snoop!”
She turns to move away, but Shiki follows her movements. “Sawa—”
“I promise, I…”
She tries to assure Shiki that she’s alright, that her worries are minuscule and nonsensical. But, despite everything, she can’t finish her sentence. No matter the costs, she can’t bring herself to lie to Shiki. And she suffocates from the lump of words that gets caught in her throat. How disgraceful she can be. How genuinely illogical and inconvenient Sawa can be.
But Shiki steps in front of her. Now that he’s older, he towers over her, and she finds herself looking up despite her fears. But, before she can face him, he wraps his arms around her. The warmth of his embrace loosens her stiff muscles and melts away her cold fears. She feels the firmness in his arms as though steadying her and supporting her. Admittedly, it’s a bit shameful since she’s older. But these arms have always been her home, and she feels safe inside them.
“Don’t lie to me,” he pleads. “I should be the one who you are the least afraid of.”
Sawa widens her eyes and shoots her head up from his chest. “I’m not afraid of you at all!”
Shiki cups her face in his hands. Her spine tingles from the sudden warmth on her cheeks, and she grabs Shiki’s wrists to keep his hands there. “Then don’t hide how you feel from me,” he urges her.
His eyes overflow with the endearing conviction he has for her. Sawa feels it in every fiber of her being. Every cell in her brain focuses on Shiki. Every particle of her body screams to be desired by him. And, in this moment, she wonders how on earth she convinced herself to need to hide from him when everything that she is revolves around him. Maybe that isn’t right, but Sawa doesn’t care. Her passion for him will never die out.
The words stuck in her throat roll off her tongue without her thinking. “I hated seeing that. The marriage resume, I mean. I hated it, even though I know better than to think you’d pursue anything. But I’m scared that I’ll seem childish or cause you trouble if I voice such stupid things.”
Sawa’s vision blurs. Shiki reaches a thumb to her eye and swipes a tear away. “I don’t care if it’s childish, and I’ll never be troubled by you. And, most of all, it isn’t stupid. If it causes you pain, no matter how small, it isn’t stupid. Your feelings aren’t stupid, Sawa.”
Sawa remembers the day she met with Shiki once she found out about the incident with her mother and the Soma clan. She remembers hearing Shiki talk about her, and she remembers feeling so very special. Shiki had always kept her in her memory. Even when she herself left that fragile, little girl behind, Shiki didn’t ever forget. He kept her company until Sawa was strong enough to take that girl with her. That day, she realized that happiness and kindness existed in the world and they’re right by her side.
Sawa will not let that go to waste. She will not allow those years of thoughts from Shiki to be in vain. She will value that small girl the same way he did; she will love her as Shiki did. As irrational as they may be, her feelings are not to be ignored — she’s done that for far too long.
“Yes,” she agrees. “You’re right.”
Shiki kisses her forehead. He then takes her hand and guides her to the engawa. As he slides the door open, he suddenly tells her, “‘It’s a privilege to matter to you.’”
Sawa blinks. “Huh?”
“It’s something I read in a book once.” Shiki steps onto the engawa and gently pulls Sawa close behind. “Someone quoted someone else, so I don’t know where it’s actually from. I’m sure I can look it up, but…”
“‘But’?”
“I don’t want to associate anyone with that sentence but you.”
When he says this to Sawa, Shiki turns around to face her. His grin is the sun itself, beaming right at her. It’s so warm and dazzling and ever so blinding, but Sawa can’t bring herself to look away. His radiance nurtures her being, and she feeds off his light. And she feels herself blooming with so much elation it terrifies her. She doesn’t remember how she navigated the world before him. She’s not sure if she even did.
“I want you to feel so achingly loved that you can’t bear to live without that love,” Shiki says.
Sawa squeezes his hand. “I already do,” she replies.
“Then, I’m glad.”
“What about you?”
“Me?”
“Do you feel that way?”
Shiki softens his eyes in understanding. He pulls away from her and steps down into the zen garden. At the bushes, he plucks a camellia flower. As he walks back over, Sawa is mesmerized by how deep and vibrant the red of the petals is. And, when Shiki stands before her and holds it in his hand, she thinks that he is identical to that red.
One hand reaches out to hold hers, and the other slips the flower stem in her free one. Shiki lifts that same hand between them, and he presses their foreheads together. He whispers, “More than anyone, you are always on my mind. That is an unwavering truth.”
Sawa’s heart soars. It soars to the clouds, and she feels like she’s floating. She wonders if she’s allowed to be this happy. She wonders if she’ll burn from being so close to the sun. But she doesn’t know if she cares enough. She wants to stay saturated in Shiki’s love and soak up all of the warmth he exudes, even if it hurts her.
And, maybe it’s conceited of her to think, but Sawa sees the reflection of those feelings in Shiki’s gaze. She feels the passionate possessiveness in those eyes that only see her. The cells in her body soak up the desire radiating from him. Her heart swells with joy. And, in her gleeful haze, she can only think of one thing.
“I love you.”
Shiki leans in. He plants a kiss on her cheek, and Sawa closes her eyes and relishes in his warmth like she’s done so many times before. And she feels her ears tickle as his words reach them.
“I love you, too.”
The flower will wilt one day. But all they’ll have to do is pick another one. The camellias will continue to grow, and that cycle is endless. And Sawa looks forward to the day when she’ll receive another flower.