Chapter Text
One minute you were following in your squad leader’s path, the next you found yourself on the hard ground, staring up at the cloudy sky. It started as another expedition beyond the Walls. Commander Erwin gave out the instructions and all of you followed, falling into your designed places in his trusty formation. Avoiding Titans and not engaging in combat was the key to success.
Everything was going smoothly, you dodged a few Titans, took down at least five of them, and outrun a couple of abnormal ones. Nothing unusual. You felt great, with the wind in your hair and the sun lovingly kissing you on the cheeks. Being outside the Walls was one of your favorite things. Despite the danger that was always lurking nearby.
„I’m fine, stop making such a big deal,“ you murmured as your younger brother Moblit Berner fired another purple flare into the air, signaling an emergency of some kind to the others, but mostly to Commander Erwin at the front.
„Your pulse is a little too fast,“ said squad leader Hange while she was holding your wrist, kneeling beside you.
„I just got dizzy, nothing to worry about.“
„You almost fell from your horse!“
„Moblit, please...“ you breathed and closed your eyes. He was always like this, overprotective even though you were the older sibling.
The world was still tilting to the sides and spinning all around you. It hit you out of nowhere. Nothing was out of place, you were concentrated on your mission, following orders and keeping an eye out for any kind of danger. Then suddenly everything went black before your eyes. Your heart started to race and the rest of your body went scarily numb. The next thing you knew was your horse slowing down and you falling from the saddle. But you caught yourself just in time, clumsily got off, and went straight on your knees, almost throwing up the breakfast your husband made for you earlier in the day.
Hange was right ahead of you, Moblit beside you as always – he saw everything and immediately stopped his horse to check on you. The first purple flare made Hange turn around and return to you, inspecting the situation. Finding you on the ground startled her, but she quickly regained her cool and rushed to help you.
„I can stand up now, we can continue. No need to waste time.“
„No, stay put!“ ordered Hange in a calm voice, looking all around. The purple flare made everyone stop almost immediately. Members of the Survey corps were surrounding you, some of them looking your way, others guarding everyone’s backs against surprise Titan attacks. „He’ll be here any second.“
„That’s why I need to at least stand up. He’s gonna have a heart attack if he finds me lying on the ground.“ Hange laughed at your words, but you were dead serious. Everyone knew your husband’s temper but only you knew the true Levi Ackerman. Seeing you like this, even though you weren’t hurt in any way, would cause him great distress and cloud his mind with worries about your safety. „Promise I’m okay.“
„Oi, Four-eyes! What’s all this about?“
„Like I said... here any second,“ she winked at you and stood up to confront your husband. His light grey eyes scanned the perimeter, landing on you quicker than you had a chance to even sit up. „She’s fine, don’t worry. I think...“
Levi didn’t even let her finish. He got off his horse, pushed Hange aside, and knelt next to you. His expression was stern, almost unreadable. But you knew that internally he was freaking out.
„I’m okay, darling. Nothing groundbreaking happened, I just got a little dizzy and had to stop. But I’m feeling better now,“ you assured him and finally pushed yourself to a sitting position. The world around you was still spinning a little, but you did feel a lot better. Even more when Levi was close.
„Did you get off the horse or fell?“ The worried tone of his voice broke your heart. The poor man had so many responsibilities, you never wanted to cause him even more stress.
„I got off, don’t worry. We can continue the expedition. Tell Erwin I’m sorry for interrupting his plans. It won’t happen again.“
„No, it won’t,“ he repeated after you, carefully putting one of his hands on your knee. Levi rarely showed any type of affection in public. You knew it and accepted it. It was just the way he was. But behind closed doors, he couldn’t keep his hands off you for most of the time. „We’re still not that far from the Walls, you’re going back.“
„What? No, you can’t...“
„Hange and Moblit will go with you.“
„Erwin should have the last word,“ you reminded your husband harshly but felt bad about that tone almost immediately. His eyes were filled with horror as he was looking at you. „Levi...“ you said his name in a lot calmer voice and stretched out your hand to stroke his cheek lovingly.
„We’re not arguing here, you’re going back home and we’ll talk later.“
You wanted to protest again, but the look in his eyes shut you up immediately. They were full of terror, just like a couple of hours ago. In the dead of night when Levi woke up from another nightmare, that almost brought tears to his beautiful eyes. He had a bad feeling about today’s expedition and went to bed on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He hated those feelings of fear and insecurity. Not because he was worried about himself. His biggest fear was something happening to you.
Humanity's strongest soldier was scared to death about the possibility of losing his wife. The only person that truly knew the real him. The only person that knew his biggest insecurities, deepest fears, and darkest secrets.
„Okay, fine,“ you said finally, looking over at your brother and then at your squad leader standing nearby. As your best friend of many years, Hange knew you can handle your husband alone, even when he was almost spitting fire around himself. But in moments like these, she preferred to be near in case you needed some help. „But I can return by myself, Hange and Moblit should continue with the rest of you.“
„Are you crazy? What if you faint again?“
You rolled your eyes at Moblit. Both of you looked similar, with light brown eyes and brown hair, taking after your late mother. „I didn’t faint,“ you hissed and with the help of your husband got to your feet once more. Levi took hold of your left hand, steadying you for a while. His thumb brushed over your wedding band – identical to the one he wore on his left ring finger for almost a year.
„You were a bit pale this morning,“ he said as he was carefully examining your face.
„I’m almost always feeling a bit nauseous before expeditions, you know that.“
„But it seemed different this time. I just didn’t wanna argue right before setting off.“
And this was not the time, either. Not when too many eyes were on both of you. You were pretty popular among your comrades, even before dating Captain Levi. Your naturally friendly personality was a big help when it came to socializing. Even the usually grumpy, cold, and distant Corporal warmed up to you pretty quickly. It only took a few expeditions and time spent with Hange, who loved to bother him with almost everything.
„You three get ready, I’ll inform Erwin. If you see a green flare, turn around and head back to Trost, the rest of us will continue according to the plan.“
„What about the rest of my squad?“ asked Hange.
„I’ll take care of them,“ said Levi firmly and squeezed your hand two times. It was his way of saying love you without using words. A secret gesture only the two of you knew about and used daily when amongst others. „And you take the best care of my wife.“
„She’s my dearest friend, of course, I’ll take the best care of her,“ she assured him and hugged you around the shoulders, practically ripping you away from Levi.
„We’ll return safely, Captain. You don’t need to worry,“ added Moblit and kissed you on the top of your head. You were born three years before him, but that did nothing to the fact, that he was the one to inherit your father’s tall figure. That left you looking like his little sister when the opposite was the truth.
„Be careful, darling,“ you said quietly and grabbed your husband’s hand one last time to squeeze it two times. He quickly returned the gesture, brushed his thump alongside your knuckles, and turned to leave.
His behavior towards his wife seemed quite strange and even cold to others. But you knew the true meaning behind his every gesture, even the tiniest ones. You knew he loved you more than anyone and anything. And you were proud to be his wife. Overjoyed over the fact that you shared his last name and were known as Humanity's strongest’s wife.
*
You, Moblit, and Hange returned home without any complications. Members of the Garrison at the gates were surprised, but you didn't owe them any explanation. Especially not when they saw your once again pale face and bloodshot eyes.
You didn’t want to admit it, but you were glad Levi made you turn around. Staying in Titan territory in this condition could have cost you your life.
After arriving at the HQ you went straight to bed. Nasty feelings of nausea hit you even harder than this morning. And yesterday. And the day before. And almost every day for the last week. It was probably something more severe than nerves, but you hated doctors and hospitals too much to go and find out what was causing you such troubles.
So you did your best to hide everything from Levi which was much more difficult than you had originally thought. Despite him being swallowed up by work, he kept a close eye on you at all times, quickly noticing that you were acting a bit strange. He asked you a few questions and tried to cheer you up, but all you could give were fake smiles and lame excuses.
„Hey, you feeling okay?“ asked your brother quietly some hours later, just a few minutes after Hange left your room. You missed dinner and he came to check on you because it was unusual for you. „I saved you some leftovers from dinner if you wanted to eat them later.“
„Maybe, but thank you, Moblit,“ you mumbled from under the covers, burying your face into Levi’s pillow that still smelled like him. The expedition was supposed to take three days, so you knew he won't be coming home tonight, not even tomorrow. And that made you sad, nights without him by your side were too long and cold. „I’m sorry about today. You and Hange should have stayed with the rest of the Scouts. I would’ve made it back by myself.“
„No need for that when I’m around.“
„It should be me who looks after you. Not the other way around.“
„You did that our entire childhood, it’s my turn now,“ he teased and closed the door behind him, making his way to the bed.
You loved your younger brother to bits, he was always by your side and never let you down. After your mother’s sudden death, it was Moblit who pulled you out from the darkest corners of your mind. And it was he, who took care of you when your father lost his battle with his long-term terminal illness just a year later. You were twenty at the time, he was just seventeen. Not even an adult. But you could always lean on him because he always had your back.
At first, he wasn’t sure about you dating Captain Levi. Moblit admired the man and had much respect for his skills, but when it came to personal things... well, he thought that the two of you were polar opposites. And he was right. But your happiness came first for him, so he never interfered and let you live your life. He was the happiest when you told him Levi and you were getting married.
„Shouldn't you get checked out by a doctor? You were looking a bit off for the last couple of days.“
„I hate doctors you know that.“ His loving smile was the first thing you saw when you looked out from underneath the covers.
„Yes, you do. But you can’t keep on going like this. What about the next expeditions?“
„I need a few days off, that’s all. Maybe I ate something bad, or it’s just the nerves. I had a lot of work lately, especially with the new cadets.“
You’ve been helping Hange with the newest recruits, teaching them the manners of the Survey Corps and such. It was fun, you loved working with people and never wanted to pass up an opportunity like that. But it could become pretty tiring after some time, especially when you became partly responsible for the survival of those people.
The one thing you never had to worry about was gaining their respect. Nobody dared to disobey Mrs. Ackerman. Nobody dared to even try, to be precise.
„Levi won’t be happy when he returns. He worries about you a lot, even though he never shows it.“
„He knows I can take care of myself.“
„Can you?“ he teased and patted you on the head like a little kid. „You need to be careful, anything can happen in a blink of an eye, especially outside the Walls.“
„I’m grateful for your concern, little brother. But I’m fine, no need to worry.“ You lovingly grabbed his hand and brushed your thumb alongside his fingers.
The world was a better place because of your brother. He could lighten up your days without even trying. Sometimes when you looked at him, you still saw the little boy who kept you company your whole childhood. You loved looking after him, he was an easy kid. Almost always obeying your commands so the two of you didn’t get into unnecessary arguments.
„And how are things between you and the Captain?“
„What do you mean?“ you asked a little confused, propping up the pillow beneath your head.
„Nothing specific, just in general. Being Humanity's strongest’s wife isn’t easy, I suppose.“
„Levi’s just like every other man and husband. Nothing unusual about our marriage.“
You hated how most people saw Levi. He wasn’t just a soldier or a weapon made from flesh and bones. He was a real person, a human being with a beating heart who needed love and understanding. Some reassurance and kind words which kept him going when his mind wandered to the worst possible places.
Your husband may come off as rude and cold to most people, but his heart was made of pure gold. He was loving, gentle, and caring toward you. Levi always made you feel loved and safe in every situation. He admired you, cherished you, and was extremely proud of everything you did for the Survey Corps. Your husband always treated you with respect and listened to everything you had to say – good or bad, he did his best every time to hear you out and help you sort everything out.
It was Levi, who wiped away your tears and kissed your wet cheeks. And it was Levi, who lovingly took you into his arms when you woke up from another nightmare. He always had the words to calm you down and lure you back to sleep as he rubbed your back and pressed small kisses on top of your head.
The man, who was so afraid of getting close to anyone became a different person when he was in your presence. He was able to let his guard down and show his most vulnerable side. In your presence, he wasn't afraid or ashamed to shed a couple of tears when everything got to him and the world knocked him down on his knees.
„I just want you to be happy, sister. That’s all, you know I promised our parents I’ll look after you.“
„We both should look after each other.“
„I think we’re pretty good at that. We’ve always been. You never let your guard down around me and always make sure I don’t get in trouble.“
You became pretty emotional over the last couple of weeks, almost everyone noticed that. Mostly your husband and brother. That’s why Moblit didn’t bat an eye when tears started to collect in your eyes. He rather helped you sit up and pulled you into a tight hug.
„I love you,“ he said quietly, gently caressing your back. „Get some rest, I’ll go help Hange with her work in the lab. She started some new experiments before we left this morning and I’m sure she already got back to work.“
„Yeah, you should go after her. We both know she gets lost in all those papers and everything way too easily.“
Hange was your childhood friend. Her family lived close by, so the three of you used to play together a lot, even though she was a few years older. She was the one who inspired you and Moblit to join the military. And now she was the one in charge, your trustworthy and always reliable squad leader.
„Love you, good night,“ you said and kissed his cheek before he got up, and after wishing you good night left your and Levi’s joined room.
You slowly got up, went over to the bathroom, and took a long warm shower. Those always made you feel a whole lot better. But not today. Nausea hit you again pretty hard, you ended up vomiting again. Several times in a row. That’s why you didn’t even think about eating the leftovers from dinner Moblit told you about earlier.
You just went straight to bed, curled up under the covers, and tried to fall asleep. But it was hard when Levi wasn’t next to you. The bed was too cold and empty, there was no one to hold. With Levi, you used to talk before falling asleep – sometimes just laying next to each other, not touching even the slightest. Other times you held onto each other like the world was about to end. You loved both options, the most important thing was his mere presence. The fact that he was alive and with you.
It was early morning when you heard somebody opening and closing the door. Sleep mercilessly avoided you for long hours. You just kept tossing and turning, looking at the ceiling and waiting for daylight to come.
„Don’t mind me, I’m gonna take a shower,“ said Levi in a firm voice when you turned your head in his direction. You had to be dreaming. He wasn’t supposed to be back, not yet. Not for another two days. Not in the middle of the night.
„Levi... what happened? How are you back already?“
You immediately got out of bed and went to him. Silver moonlight illuminated the whole room, so you saw the blood very clearly. His uniform was soaked in the crimson liquid in multiple places, the hem of his cloak torn. The only visible injury you saw right away was a long cut under his left eye. It didn’t look too deep, but seeing him hurt in any way made your heart cry out in pain.
„What happened?“ you repeated your question and extended your hand towards him. Levi hesitated for a bit, but when he saw your worried expression, he gave in. Slid his hand into yours, stepped closer, and rested his forehead against yours. „Are you hurt? Should I get Hange or somebody from the infirmary?“
He shook his head, kissing your cheek gently. Shiver ran down your back as his free hand wrapped around your waist, just moments before his legs gave out and he collapsed right in front of you.
„Levi!“ you cried out and got down to the floor next to him. You gently rubbed his back and planted a long kiss on the top of his head. His whole body was shaking as he leaned against you and rested his head on your shoulder. „What is it, darling? Are you sure you’re not injured? Maybe you should see a doctor, just in case.“
„No, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me... please.“
„But...“
„I am fine,“ he repeated himself calmly, burying his face in the crook of your neck.
You saw him in his worst moments, but this was something different. Something more serious and heartbreaking. You didn’t even want to think about what happened during the expedition. Suddenly you felt relieved about having to come back early.
„Do you want to tell me what happened?“ you asked in a calm loving tone, stroking his messy dark hair. A few strands at the bottom of his head were stuck together with dried blood. „Did you hit your head?“
„That’s not my blood.“
„Okay, good.“
Nothing was good, not even close to that. But you had to calm him down. Calm yourself down. You wrapped his body in a tight hug and pulled him as close to you as possible. A quiet sigh escaped his mouth when you finally felt him relax a bit. You could feel his heartbeat slowing down to a more steady pace as his eyes closed and he made himself more comfortable in your arms.
„We should go to bed, you need to rest,“ you said kissing his temple.
He didn't care to move, but you got him to his feet and led him to the bathroom. You sat him down on the edge of the bathtub and slowly started taking off his gear and uniform. The exhausted captain was watching you with bloodshot eyes but ended up helping you clean him up before going to bed.
The sun was slowly starting to rise.
You still contemplated calling Hange to take a look at him, but you eventually gave up. He seemed fine... physically. Even more, after you gently cleaned the cut under his eye and put a healing ointment on it.
„Thank you, my love,“ he whispered when you finally laid down next to him.
„Try to sleep now, it was a long day.“
You let him cuddle up to you, taking him in your arms as he laid his head on your chest. Tonight it was he, who desperately needed to be comforted. But soon enough your eyes filled with tears again.
What happened out there?
What made him this... this...
Was he the only one who made it back?
What about Erwin?
Miche, Nanaba, Petra, Eld, and all your other friends?
What about the rest of Hange’s squad?
„How are you feeling?“ asked Levi after you thought he had already fallen asleep. „Did you see a doctor about the dizziness and nausea?“
You didn’t answer for a bit, thinking about the best response. Was it worth telling the truth when he was in a state like this? Or would a merciful white lie be a better option? You hated lying to him because arguing was the worst. Your parents used to argue quite often when you and Moblit were little. And you couldn’t forget about it even after many years.
All that shouting, swearing, your dad throwing things around, and even directly at your mother... At first, it was you, who tried to protect her and Moblit as well. You were the older sibling and the firstborn child, it was your duty. At least you felt like it.
But when your brother got older and understood what was going on, he wasn’t afraid to confront your father. With harsh words and even physically a couple of times. Those events stuck with you and gave you goosebumps even years later. Since then you were afraid of open confrontations. You got easily scared when someone raised their voice at you even a little bit angrily.
And Levi knew that, you told him pretty early in your relationship. So when he got angry with you about anything, he tried to communicate reasonably and assertively. He never raised his voice, never shouted, and tried not to swear in your presence.
„Everything is fine, darling. I’m just a little tired after helping Hange with the new cadets. I’ll rest for a day or two and it will be fine.“
You weren't sure. Not after throwing up so many times just a few hours ago. Not after feeling weak and tired even more than usual. Something was going on, but you didn’t want to worry Levi. Not even a slightest.
„You can count on me on the next expedition,“ you assured him, rubbing his back in slow motion to help him fall asleep.
„Better not,“ he murmured and kissed your neck.
It only took a few more minutes until he finally fell asleep, holding onto you for dear life. You cried silent tears for almost an hour, waited for the blood-colored sunrise, and finally fell asleep with puffy eyes and a heavy feeling in your chest.