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Mindoir isn't exactly as Shepard imagined. It isn't quite the way it used to be when she was merely a little kid. Or maybe it was just her, that was different.
She shakes her head slowly, disapproving of her own thoughts.
Obviously, it isn't the same. How could it ever be? The whole place is a mess, really. People — the few, that are present — are working on rebuilding it, but it will never have the chance of becoming all the same again.
It is one thing, though. Peaceful. For now, at least.
And Shepard enjoys that peace. Sitting on a small hill, the grass under her slightly dewy... Doing nothing, having no duties, even if just for a moment, staring at the stars seems like the perfect thing to do. There aren't any warships up there, there isn't any fighting, just her, the dawn sky, and silence.
Silence, that is suddenly broken by the noise of slow, quiet footsteps behind her.
Shepard sighs, wondering if it's Joker, coming to tell her it's time to go, but is soon reassured.
"Out of all the places you could be, I didn't expect to find you out here, Shepard."
She immediately recognizes the voice, that damn gravelly tone that could probably make her melt... And the only voice she’ll let break the silence around her.
"Hello to you too, Garrus," she replies as the turian sits down next to her. "Well, what did you expect? That I’d get Joker to take the Normandy here, and then just stay on the ship?"
"I expected you to sleep," he states, with a bit of a hidden lecture in his words for her not doing so. "With all this behind us, you should get some rest finally."
Shepard holds her thoughts inside for a moment. She wants to deny, she wants to stay secretive, and suppress her emotions, but... With the moment passing by, she realizes, if someone, then Garrus does deserve not to be lied to. Because he’s the only one Shepard feels she can be honest with. The only one who wouldn't judge her, disapprove, or maybe even ridicule her for the things she might say, feel, or do. The only one who really loves her.
Or so she hopes.
All she knows for certain is that she surely loves him enough for the words to just slip out of her mouth.
"I couldn't."
Garrus gives her a concerned look, but he doesn't seem surprised. "Are you okay, Shepard?"
"I’ll be fine," she shrugs, "I just need a bit of time."
"I have no doubt that you will be fine. But my question referred to your current state and I’d like you to talk to me about it, and not just bottle up all the feelings this time, y’know?"
Even after years, opening up is hard. Shepard doesn't want to be a burden or complain when others have it much worse. She doesn't want to seem vulnerable to people. But she knows Garrus, and so she also knows he would keep trying until he got her to talk.
She decides to spare him that effort.
"It's just..." She sighs, trying to gather her words. "It's not only the past that keeps me up. Sure, the Collector Base was hell, the Illusive Man can go fuck himself, and I never want to see that massive Human-Reaper skull stuff again, but..." She decides to change the subject a little, and only hints at her further concerns. "Mindoir. This is my homeworld we're at. Where I was born, where I grew up, and... Where I saw slaughter, bloodbath, and pure evil for the first time. So many things tie me to this place. This is my home. I wanted to come back here once more before... Before I..."
She can't say it.
Before I may die. Before it's too late. Before the Reapers attack, and I’ll never have the opportunity to just travel willingly. Before my freedom gets taken away, and who knows if I’ll ever see the light again. Before I get torn apart from everything and everyone I've ever known.
She can't say it. But Garrus understands regardless.
He worries too. He worries he’ll never see Shepard again, he worries he’ll never have another chance to hold her in his arms, to kiss her, to watch her dance, even if it looks absolutely ridiculous, to share a drink with her, or to tell her how much he loves her.
He worries this is their last moment to spend together.
But he can't tell Shepard that. She doesn't need to know. Know that he is suffering too, that the nightmares and fears hunt him just as they do her. He wasn't awake without a reason, after all...
"So what comes now?" he asks instead, turning to her.
"We leave when the sun comes up all the way. I go back and I turn myself in at the Alliance. Then... I don't know, we hope they don't execute me or something," she scoffs, and Garrus is somewhat impressed by the fact that she still attempts to make a joke, given the circumstances. Well, as much as that was a joke.
He knew it would come to this eventually. Another galactic threat neutralized, and they get separated again. As much as he hoped the Alliance would just let it slide, he knows that won't happen. Shepard always seemed to be aware of that, and yet she never once contemplated her choices. She wasn't unsure or doubted if the way they were going was the right one. Garrus was always amazed by how strong-willed and valiant she was. Brave enough to face any challenge thrown her way, even if she knew they might all die. She would have sacrificed anything for the greater good. And now, she was ready to stand in front of the Alliance, and make a confession, that may result in...
In something horrible. Something Garrus does not want to think about.
Instead, he just reassures her.
"Well, whatever happens, just know that I'll be standing right beside you, and I promise to do my best to protect you. Just like you would do to the rest of us." Garrus sighs. "Look, right now I'm just happy everyone got out of there alive." He feels the realization hit him as soon as he says that. "Oh. Well, almost everyone..."
He takes a moment to see how Shepard would react to his statement, but as he notices no significant changes in her behavior, he decides to go for the next question.
"How do you feel about Jacob dying?"
Shepard scoffs. "Got what he deserved. He wanted to take care of the vents so much, fine. He's lucky he didn't fuck the job up completely..." Shepard goes quiet for a second, considering how she should admit the next thing, but then decides to just say it as it is. "Would have killed the bastard myself, after what he called you..."
Garrus feels the breath catch in his throat. "You... what ?"
"Yeah," Shepard chuckles quietly, rubbing her neck as she feels her cheeks flush. "He insulted you, and a few others a couple of times, and I'm not sure how much longer I could have tolerated that."
"I don't even know what to say, Shepard." Garrus knew about the affronts. Well, not exactly, as Shepard wouldn't tell him the actual things Jacob would say, but he did know he dropped quite a few insults. And even despite all these, he somehow still doubts Shepard would feel that protective of him. "There's gotta be more to this."
"No, believe me, I just really disliked the way he talked about you... Or any of the alien crew, for that matter."
"Well, the Collector Base took care of the dirty work for you, then," Garrus replies, his mandibles slightly flaring. He's used to Shepard being ruthless with people she doesn't like. And though sometimes he opposes that, knowing that she would go this far just for him made him feel loved.
"Yeah," Shepard mutters again, seemingly getting lost in some thoughts along the way. "You know, it's a little funny, actually."
Garrus' brow plates seem to rise a little, with his mandibles giving a flutter. "What, exactly, is funny?"
"Oh," Shepard appears to have rethought her decision to speak and quickly shakes her head, "nothing! It's whatever. Doesn't matter. Really." In addition, she smiles at him, quickly blinking a few.
Garrus is no expert on human nature and behavior, but this was definitely not an honest smile.
"Not good at lying, Shepard," he chuckles, shaking his head. "You've already got me intrigued here, so go on. Spill."
Shepard groans softly as she buries her face in her palms for a moment. This just makes Garrus even more curious, as she never acts up by just having to tell someone something. She's usually chill, not caring if she hurts several people with her statement. So what could she possibly be hiding now?
She sighs, then looks at him, with... Oh. Is that guilt in her expression?
"So, uh... Truth is, I really didn't like you in the beginning either..."
Garrus seriously has to try hard to keep himself from just bursting out laughing. He felt reassured. It's about that .
"I know."
He watches as Shepard's expression freezes on her face, and even in the twilight, he can see her skin turning pale. Not the answer she was expecting. So he decides to explain himself further.
"Ashley told me. Almost directly after I came on board, she started telling me everything you'd say behind my back. 'He's a turian. I don't want him on our side.' Sounds familiar?" He looks at her, and he's pretty sure he can almost hear all her thoughts about possibly murdering Ash the next time they meet, so he decides to ease her anger regarding the woman. "But even without Ashley, I was aware of your hatred towards me. Right away, the first time we met on the Citadel, I may not have acted like it, but I understood what you meant by me coming up empty."
Shepard's face turns sorrowful, hearing all the things he tells her. "Garrus, I'm so sorry... I never thought you'd know about all this..."
"Hey, I can't blame you for it. You've had quite the experience with Saren right before that. And well, what can I say? I think it's rightfully claimed that your opinion of me has changed, right?"
"Oh, you'd think so?" she smirks, still staring down.
"Well, after that night, Shepard, I'd assume, yes..."
Shepard gasps at the statement, her eyes opening wide, and her face turning red immediately. "Oh, shut up!" she laughs, pushing him lightly by the shoulder.
Garrus just pulls her closer by the waist, and waits until she calms down enough to simply lie down next to him. She sighs, laying her head on his thigh, and looking up at him.
"I just... I don't understand. You knew about it all, and didn't even confront me?"
Garrus shakes his head slowly, his mandibles flaring. "How could I have? I admired and loved you way too much to do that."
"Even then?" Shepard whispers, her expression clearly suggesting she finds it hard to believe what he just said.
Garrus nods. "Even then."
Shepard, at a loss for words, just forces a smile.
She's not sure if she can believe him. She trusts Garrus. More than anyone else she ever met. But the presumption that she would ever be worthy of love, especially his love, it all just seems ridiculous. Even after all this time.
Regardless, she feels like the luckiest person to ever exist, at that moment, the way she can just lie next to the love of her life, in peace and quiet. She wishes she could simply stop time, and forever stay there with him, just appreciating and enjoying the presence of one another.
But she can't do that.
As she turns her head to the side, she watches the sun rise above the horizon.
——— BONUS:
the messages that led me to writing this
(then i realized ashley only dies in me3, so shep just thinks about murdering her. and a few more changes. i also apologize to my friends for this rant.)