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The basement air was frigid, and Joel's blanket still wasn't enough to keep him warm. Ellie rested by his side, and he could barely muster the energy to lean his head on her in gratitude.
He couldn't even shiver properly. His side stitches still radiated with pain almost a day later after the girl took a gamble. Joel didn't have the energy to tell her to be careful or to scream when she first stuck the needle through him.
But more than anything else, Joel was scared. He shouldn't have given Ellie that choice in Jackson.
This is it. I'm not getting any better and she's going to die because of me.
Joel woke up, and it wasn't winter anymore. The sun was warm and the breeze gently teased his skin.
Where am I?
He looked around and was immediately drawn to a herd of sheep gathered along a nearby fence. He walked over and crouched down to greet one of them.
"Hey, little guy," he said, reaching out to one of them. The sheep nuzzled against his hand, its wool as soft as a cloud. This is the dream.
Joel stood back up and surveyed the area. It reminded him of his uncle's farm that he and Tommy visited as kids. He missed this. Calm, docile, long before he always lived in survival mode.
Then he heard her.
"Dad!"
On the other end of the fence was a familiar voice. Joel looked over to see a woman who looked like she was in her 30s.
"Hello?" Joel called out.
"Dad, it's me," the woman said.
As Joel got closer to the woman, it struck him. Sarah. He instantly recognized her eyes.
"Oh my god baby girl," Joel said, with tears in his eyes. "Baby girl what are you doing here?"
"I could really say the same about you," Sarah said back with a smirk.
Joel ran up to her ready to scoop her into his arms but he was winded back. He got up confused and tried to reach her again but was met with the same supernatural force.
"What the hell? Why can't I hug you?"
"Dad, dad it's okay," Sarah assured. "You're not ready to come all the way over."
"What?" he asked befuddled. "Is this heaven? I'm dead aren't I?"
"No, not yet," Sarah said with a chuckle. "It looks like Ellie is taking good care of you."
"How do you know who Ellie is?" Joel asked?
"Just sit down next to me," Sarah said. "I'll explain."
Joel plopped down next to Sarah, a couple forced inches between them.
He sighed.
"You've grown," Joel said, forcing a weak smile past his reeling disbelief at the whole situation.
"Well technically this weird space is based on your own imagination," Sarah explained. "So maybe in your mind it makes more sense to imagine me at 34."
Sarah looked at her dad and studied the lines in his face, the dark circles under his eyes and a familiar fear in his body. After 20 years of watching down on him, she hadn't seen that fear in him since the day she died in his arms.
"What have you been doing all these years?" Joel asked.
"I've been doing my best to make sure you were okay," Sarah said.
"What even is it that you all do up there? " Joel asked. "Like in heaven, if I even end up deserving of all that."
"A lot of it is exactly what they talked about at church," Sarah explained. "Seeing loved ones and looking over the ones we left behind. By the way, the Adlers forgive you. Nana was so thankful she didn't end up like those poor people who had their heads split open by the fungus."
Joel couldn't help but smile a bit at that sentiment.
"I'm glad I could help them escape that fate," he said.
"I couldn't save you though," he said tearing up. "Fuck, baby girl I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry."
"Oh dad," Sarah said. "It's okay. You never failed."
She wanted so bad to hold his hand again. His watch was clean and ticking, just as she left him.
"I didn't want to see you," Sarah said. Joel looked at her with a slightly stunned look.
"After the outbreak, I knew you wanted to be with me," Sarah said. "And look you don't get god-like powers or anything crazy up here, but I just got a sense that one day you would be needed. So I stopped you and made sure you were safe."
A wash of sadness struck Joel. His baby girl made him flinch. Did he fail her even after her death? No, Joel couldn't stand to entertain that idea.
"Fuck I haven't even told Ellie about that," Joel said. "She asked about my fucked up hearing and my scar and I just lied to her."
A sense of panic crept into Joel's voice.
"Sarah, I have no fucking clue what to do now," he told her. "I'm so scared all the time. I'm so scared of failing her, you don't even know it. You were only 14 you'll never know what it's like to lose a child and to live with that the rest of your life."
"But I know what it's like to watch my dad lose himself and not be able to do anything," Sarah said. "I've seen you through this all. You've changed, and I'm seeing my dad come back."
"You would have liked her," Joel said. "She's a rascal, and she's sharp."
"I know," Sarah said smiling.
"So what now?" Joel sighed. "I'm fucked aren't I?"
"That's up to you to decide," Sarah said. "As much as I'll miss this, Ellie needs you."
Joel smiled and took one last moment to admire Sarah and the woman she grew up to be. He got up and walked off to the horizon.
"Joel, wake up!"
Joel was hazy. He opened his eyes weakly and saw Ellie hovering over him talking frantically, but he could barely make out what she was saying.
He felt the cold metal of a knife in his hands.
"...and you kill them!" Ellie demanded in a whisper.
Ellie ran up the stairs, and the sound of furniture being pushed against the door woke him up fully.
I won't let you down again.