Chapter Text
wherever we go, what glitters is gold.
• —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·
“That’s it? You’re leaving?”
The familiar voice startles her, wincing at the voice she once claimed that washed all her concerns away. She tightens her grip on her handbag, not sure what to anticipate. She had planned to leave Seattle unnoticed, refusing to announce her departure in hopes that he wouldn’t even notice that she was gone. What did her ex-husband want?
Given the demise of her marriage and her ex-husband’s constant indifference and the spiteful words he spewed at her down hospital corridors, she was without a doubt certain he wouldn’t notice her absence at the hospital. And let alone care that she was no longer in the same city as him.
What she had expected of him only came to contradict her. Because now he’s chasing after her, demanding answers, mere moments away from establishing a life without him. Addison almost laughs at the cruelty of it all. Recalling that she had uprooted her entire life in Manhattan just for him–only to receive a detached, and emotionless husband who had failed to provide her some sort of emotional support during the remaining months of their deteriorating marriage.
She wishes she could turn back the time, somehow. Or even enter an alternate-universe; to swap the indifferent Derek she had lived with the past six months to whatever Derek she’s witnessing now. She wishes she hadn’t stopped at the sound of his voice, lacking the strength to look him in his cerulean eyes and pretend that she’s okay with all of this .
Because when she looks in those unforgettable, mesmerizing cerulean eyes. It’s not just the color she's looking at. She’s taking a glimpse of the past she shared with him. The eyes that she looked into when she looked over the cadaver, Derek grinning sheepishly beneath his mask when she took notice of him for the first time. The eyes she looked into when they had vowed to love each other until eternity. The eyes that she looked into each time and couldn’t help but grin whenever they had discussed their future together. The eyes that she looked into whenever they had discussed the want for children in the near future–discussing names for their future children, and arguing whenever they had disagreed over a ridiculous name suggestion. The eyes she looked into when she was pleading for him to stay with her in Manhattan that fateful night, reminding him that they were Addison-and-Derek and they didn’t quit.
Addison can hear Derek’s frantic footsteps against the wet pavement, stopping a short foot away from her to provide a comfortable distance between them. She freezes, anxiety courses through her body, she doesn’t know what to expect from him after all the times she had pleaded for him to notice her.
“Addie, can we… talk?” Derek asks, hearing the reluctance in his voice. She feels his steady gaze on her. She’s almost curious about what he has to say to her after all this time. She’s reluctant to hear him out.
However, she’s given him too many chances. Just like he had made her so many promises over the course of their marriage. Promises that were left unfulfilled and forgotten. A tiny voice in her head is telling her to stop and listen to him one last time. Telling her that maybe he had changed his mind, and maybe Derek had chosen her after all.
Against her better judgment, Addison listens to the tiny voice in her head for once. She gives in to Derek one last time, despite all the hurt he had caused her. She’s hopeful. They were no longer obligated to one another and the divorce papers were proof of that. But that didn’t necessarily mean she no longer loved him. She still loved Derek. They had vowed to love each other until eternity, and she had planned to do just that. And maybe, this time around, there was a possibility he still loved her too.
She’s looking into his eyes again. It’s different this time. When Addison first arrived in Seattle, Derek’s eyes lacked the warmth and comfort she was used to. It showed no remorse; no indication of guilt permeating his eyes. No indication of regret that he had physically removed her from their brownstone into the pouring rain while it was storming outside.
This time, she can see the remorse in his eyes, a mixture of hurt and exhaustion–replacing the familiar cerulean eyes she was used to. A part of her wants to break the distance between them, to hold him and reassure him and comfort him. But, she refrains herself from doing so, to allow him to talk and initiate the conversation. Indicating that she’s listening to him before she acts impulsively. Because what she did just now, stopping and turning around to give him another chance was impulsive enough.
“You’re leaving…” Derek begins, though it wasn’t a question and more of a statement. Addison nods, diverting her gaze from him to the ground.
“Yeah, I think it’s best for the both of us,” Addison responds, using all her willpower to not break down in front of him. “It’s what you wanted, right? You wanted Seattle and to never see me again.”
Derek tenses and he can feel Addison’s gaze on him. His discomfort goes unnoticed and there’s no justifying what he said to her. It was the truth, and what he had said to her that day, he meant it. What Mark and Addison did to him, he had meant every word when she had revealed the truth.
Mark and I, it wasn’t a one night stand. I was in love with him. Or at least I thought I was.
He was torn, hurt, and betrayed when he heard Addison utter those words. He had meant every word. He wanted Seattle and to never see her again. Looking back, he regretted what he had said in response to Addison’s revelation. He was harsh and hypocritical. Because what Addison had revealed to him that day was a reflection of what he had revealed to her a few months prior.
Derek remembers walking into Joe’s. Feeling the ambiance of the holiday season lingering in the air. He couldn’t help but remember that it was their season as he ordered his usual. Then, he hears her sultry voice calling him out from behind, “ Dr. Shepherd.”
He turns, raising his glass of scotch and grinning, finding her preoccupied with Christmas catalogs nestled away in the corner of the bar. “Dr. Shepherd.”
He remembers approaching Addison, taking a seat across from her as she wasted no time clearing the table of the catalogs occupying the table. He points to her drink, knowing it was hot butter rum, but he asks her what she’s drinking because it’s what she always drank during the holiday season– their season. He had caught her in the midst of drinking and he can’t help but grin when Addison almost spills her drink, dabbing her lips with a napkin while chuckling. “It’s hot buttered rum. It’s delicious.”
His grin doesn’t falter, maintaining eye contact with her. “It’s Dickensian.”
Well, it is Christmas . He remembers her saying, and then the subtlety of it all fades away. Turning more serious and Derek can tell she’s reminiscing. Reminiscing all the Christmases they had spent together. The Christmas traditions he willingly shared with Addison because she never had a traditional Christmas with Bizzy and the Captain. He had given her a Christmas worth celebrating. A Christmas filled with unconditional love and the closeness of family, and that’s what made it their season.
Christmas, Derek. We love Christmas. Well, at least we used to. Addison said after a period of silence, losing interest in the hot buttered rum and shifting her gaze from him to a bare spot on the table.
“Christmas makes you want to be with the people you love,” Derek responded, and he finds Addison’s gaze shifting back towards him, noting the hopefulness in her facial features. “I’m not saying this to hurt you or because I want to leave you. Because I don’t. Meredith wasn’t a fling.”
Derek remembers looking at Addison. Waiting for her to say something, to say anything. But she had remained silent, looking visibly upset and contemplating every word he had said to her. And after a period of silence, she had left him there, offering to pay the tab on her way out.
And now, she was leaving Seattle, and he didn’t want that. He wanted Seattle and her. Or wherever Addison was going, he wanted to be with her.
“Look, what I said that day-”
Addison shakes her head, interrupting him, “You didn’t mean it and you’re sorry? God, Derek…”
“I know what I said was wrong and vindictive. And what I had said that day can’t be forgiven with an apology. But, I changed my mind–about wanting Seattle and to never see you again. Because I don’t want that. I want you and wherever you go.”
“ We? Derek, there is no we. At least not anymore.” Addison’s voice falters, and Derek can see her thinking. Contemplating what he had just proposed to her. He’s hopeful that he had just changed her mind. Changed her mind about leaving Seattle or changed her mind about him.
There was a lot at stake, and a lot to reconsider and to discuss. Thinking about the possibility of whether or not giving their relationship a third chance was worthwhile. Anything could happen between them and Derek was certain Addison isn’t willing to take the chance, despite the feelings she still had for him.
She’s not willing to take the chance to relive all the times he had said neglectful words to her when she didn’t deserve it. Experiencing the indifferent husband and the inattentive husband who was never home.
Addison looks at Derek. He seems optimistic. Hopeful that maybe she had changed her mind about giving him– them, another chance. It’s taking all her willpower to not drop the cold, distant facade toward him. She wants his arms wrapped around her, reassuring her that this time around, they would love each other until eternity. But, she can’t let herself do this again. She can’t allow herself to have Derek hurt her, and have him voice empty promises that will never be fulfilled.
“I’m so sorry, Derek,” Addison reveals, her voice faltering. Derek can’t help that her eyes are glistening with tears underneath the moonlight. He wants to hold her, but after what she had said, he can’t because she didn’t want him. “I can’t give us another chance. We’ve caused each other so much pain and I don’t think that’s something we can just forgive and forget.”
Derek nods, struggling to maintain an unaffected composure. But, tears have begun to form in his eyes, turning away so Addison doesn’t notice. “If that’s what you want,” Derek began, struggling with his emotions. “Then I respect it. I can’t force something that’s not there.”
Addison nods mutely, and Derek notices that she’s also wrestling with her emotions. “So, uh, I guess this is goodbye then?”
“Yeah,” Derek replies, his voice barely audible. “I guess this is goodbye.”
Derek watches her walk away without another word, dragging her luggage towards the parked taxi along the curb–surprised that it hadn’t driven off, given how long the two of them had been talking. So, without a second thought, Derek retreats back towards Seattle Grace and forces himself to not think about Addison.
Maybe she’ll find someone else. Someone who’ll treat her better than him, someone who will offer her unconditional love. Someone who won’t use their own mistakes against her. Someone who will listen to her whenever she’s feeling bothered by something. And then, maybe he’ll give her the promise he had left unfulfilled: a family that she desperately wanted.
And in the end, if Addison had found a man that would love her for the rest of her life and had given her the children she had desperately wanted. Derek would be okay with that, and he would be grateful that Addison found her happy ending. Even if she wasn’t sharing her happy ending with him.
• —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·
eight years later...
“ So … out with it,” Amelia stated, leaning casually against the Santa Monica Pier and gazing across the horizon of the Pacific Ocean. “What are you doing here? Kinda odd of you to show up unannounced in LA of all places…”
Derek glares at her, pausing his need to pace back-and-forth–earning concerned glances of occupants of the pier. He sighs exhaustedly, mirroring Amelia’s stance and fixating his attention on the waves swirling beneath the pier. He decides not to speak. Not yet, at least. Resorting to admiring the radiating California sun–shielding his eyes in the process–and being in complete awe of how blue the sky appeared.
Now , Seattle did not have this: the incessant sunshine and endless expanse of blue skies. Seattle was the embodiment of dark and twisty. The embodiment of everything he was running away from.
“Derek…” Amelia urges, with a hint of impatience. “Why aren’t you in Seattle? Are you and Meredith… I don’t know, okay? ”
This earns a reaction from Derek. Amelia notices his brother tense up at the mention of his wife. She turns to face him, growing with concern, indicating that she was ready to listen to whenever he was ready to talk.
He wasn’t quite sure what happened with Meredith. Everything seemed to happen in a blur. It was one rash decision after another. He wanted Washington, D.C. and she wanted Seattle. A conversation that consistently transitioned into an argument between the both of them. Derek wanted to revolutionize his brain mapping initiative. And Meredith had desperately exercised her plea for wanting to start a family with him.
Her plea had only frightened Derek, unbeknownst to Meredith–causing him to impulsively accept a permanent position at the NIH. And since relocating to D.C. without a second thought, he hadn’t heard from her since; aside from the divorce papers that she had served him just a few months prior.
Of course, Derek wanted to start a family. But when Meredith had revealed that she wanted to start a family with him, it wasn’t something he wanted. At least not with her. Because when he had imagined a family, it was always him and Addison beside him. Not Meredith.
“Meredith and I, uh, aren’t together anymore.” Derek reveals, almost shamelessly. But Amelia doesn’t say anything and doesn’t reprimand him. And this time, Derek is thankful. “I haven’t been in Seattle in awhile. I’ve relocated to D.C. to work on a brain mapping initiative full-time.”
Amelia looks at him, her eyebrows raising at his second revelation. “So, that takes us back to my first question. What are you doing here?”
There’s no point in not telling the truth. Because about a month ago, Addison preoccupied his mind, not that she ever left his mind ever since she had left Seattle all those years ago. Derek had ended up on Google, a month before, learning that she still resided in LA running a successful private practice: Seaside Health and Wellness .
After about a year after Addison had left, the initial Google search was to see whether or not Addison had found her happy ending, to see whether or not she had disclosed personal details of her life. He received results of information that he had already had knowledge of: her education, where she completed her residency, and her certifications.
Derek was aware that Amelia had been living and working with Addison, and he could have just asked Amelia. But concluded that it would’ve been odd to contact his sister–demanding the intimate and personal details of Addison’s current life.
“I came to see Addison,” Derek revealed, continuing to experience shame. “How is she doing?”
“Uh, she’s fine, happy ,” Amelia replies, being caught off-guard with her brother’s revelation. “But Derek… you haven’t spoken to her in years.”
“I know. I just wanted to see how she’s doing.”
“Look, you could have called her, and I know for sure she would answer your call. She’s not one who dodges phone calls,” Amelia mentions, remembering that he was the one who dodged phone calls. Not Addison. “I know you two had a falling out, but when I look at her sometimes, I know there are some days she wishes you were there beside her.”
Derek looks at her with confusion. “What do you mean by that?”
“It’s not my place to say,” Amelia addressed. “But Derek, I think Addison would be more than happy to see you.”
“See her?” Derek clarifies. “You’re sure she wouldn’t mind seeing me?”
Derek had planned on seeing Addison again. He had also anticipated that Addison wanted no contact with him whatsoever. And now, he was caught off-guard when Amelia had mentioned that Addison would be more than happy to see him after all these years with no contact.
“She wouldn’t mind at all. Trust me.”
• —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·
Amelia and Derek had arrived in Malibu, and Derek wasn’t the least bit surprised that Addison had chosen to have a beachfront property. Reminded by the idea that they had previously owned a house in the Hamptons–a house that he had given Addison in the divorce without a fight.
Derek follows Amelia toward the front of the house. She struggles with finding the house keys, and Derek can hear the Pacific Ocean roaring just a couple feet away from them. He edges toward the side of a house, finding a narrow pathway leading to the back of the house–hearing the roar of the Pacific Ocean just a couple feet away from them. He inhales the salty air and he can’t help himself from grinning, unable to shake the feeling that being here felt like he belonged here.
It felt like home .
I want you and wherever you go.
“Uh, Derek, are you coming?” Amelia calls out, motioning to the open door. Derek nods, following Amelia and entering Addison’s life again for the first time in eight years. They’re in a small foyer, Amelia hanging her purse on a nearby coat rack before proceeding further into the house.
Derek follows Amelia wordlessly, listening for sounds that may indicate that Addison was home but hears nothing. Amelia tosses her keys on the kitchen counter, moving toward the fridge, “Want something to drink? Or eat?” Amelia offers, eyeing the fridge critically.
Her question goes unanswered, and Derek wanders into the living room. He sees picture frames adorning the mantle of the fireplace and he glances back to whether or not Amelia was watching him. She’s still preoccupied with observing the contents in the fridge, so he allows himself to see the picture frames. But then he’s stepping on something soft and plush.
He moves his foot, bending down and reaching for the stuffed animal laying on the ground. It’s a stuffed sheep, white fur and dark face, and he wonders who it belongs to. He places it gently on the couch nearby and proceeds to look at the picture frames.
There are pictures he’s seen before and ones he’s never seen–Amelia and Addison at the Malibu Pier wearing ridiculously large hats, Addison and people he assumes that work at the practice with her, and he can tell how happy Addison is by the way she smiles. There are more pictures of her and Amelia, and more pictures with Addison alongside a blonde and brunette woman.
What Derek had been looking for was nowhere to be found. There’s no indication or proof that Addison was happily married or seeing someone, and instead, his gaze lingers on a picture frame with Addison and a toddler–a little girl. They’re both undeniably happy, the little girl clutching the stuffed sheep close to her chest as Addison hugs her tightly.
“Amelia?” Addison calls, somewhere from upstairs. He hears incessant crying, and he hears the wails get louder as Addison descends the stairs with a toddler attached to her hip. Amelia has left the kitchen, ready to assist Addison in any way. She reaches for the toddler, but shakes her head, indicating that the toddler didn’t want to be held by anyone else.
“Do you know where her sheep is? I’ve been trying to get her down for an hour now and her sheep is nowhere to be found, and her fever is coming and going.”
Amelia shakes her head, suggesting places where the toddler might have misplaced her beloved stuffed sheep. Addison shakes her head, mentioning that she had looked everywhere, bouncing the toddler in hopes that her cries would settle down. Though, the soothing technique had only resulted in the toddler to produce piercing wails.
Derek reached for the stuffed sheep he had settled down on the couch nearby, and offered it to the restless toddler settled on Addison’s hip. “Hey now, look, it's your sheep. It’s your favorite, right?” Derek attempted, trying to soothe the toddler and noticing that Addison was caught off-guard by his presence in her Malibu beach house.
The toddler pauses, her violet cries subsiding as she recognizes the sheep. She reaches for the sheep, clutching it tightly to her chest before resting her head against Addison’s chest. Addison smiles, relieved that her daughter had settled down. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.” Addison says, softly.
She ascends the stairs and she glances back at Derek and smiles at him, “Thank you.” she mouths, and disappears upstairs with the exhausted toddler.
Derek settles down on the couch, and Amelia follows him, believing she owes him some sort of apology. But Derek speaks first, glancing back at the picture frame of Addison and the toddler. “She has a daughter.”
“Yeah, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about her,” Amelia apologized. “I wasn’t expecting Grace to have a bad day, she’s usually an easy-going toddler. Usually quiet and shy. I was hoping Addison would introduce you to her. I didn’t intend it to be this way.”
“No, it’s okay,” Derek reassures, his gaze still lingering on the photo of Addison and Grace. “Like you said, it’s not your place to say.”
Amelia disappears back into the kitchen, handing Derek a glass of scotch. Derek opens up the door to the back, stepping out onto the deck and admiring the view of the Pacific from Addison’s deck. He moves toward one of the lounge chairs, nursing his scotch and his gaze never leaving the picturesque view.
“Hey,” Addison greets, approaching Derek slowly with a baby monitor in her hand, taking occupancy of the other lounge chair. “I’m sorry about earlier. Grace isn’t usually like that. But her fever’s been weighing her down.”
“It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize,” Derek reassures her, setting his scotch down and shifting his position so he can face Addison. She’s still wearing her plaid pajama bottoms and her Yale sweatshirt, but she had ended up throwing her hair into a high ponytail. “Your daughter is beautiful, by the way.”
“Thank you,” Addison replies, crossing her legs so she can sit comfortably. “Thank you for earlier, by the way. For helping me with Grace.”
“Don’t worry about it, and you look like you needed the help,” Derek joked, Addison rolling her eyes at his statement. “Who knew a double-board certified surgeon would have trouble locating a beloved stuffed sheep?”
“Oh, shut up,” Addison jokes, leaning forward to shove him playfully. “Grace always misplaces him and I never know where to look when she does lose him.”
The pair lapse into silence, seeing the sun beginning to set along the horizon. Hearing the Pacific Ocean roar with ferocity, “Derek?”
Derek turns, “Yeah?”
“I thought about what you said all those years ago. Do you remember?” Addison began, allowing her vulnerability to show without feeling shame.
He smiles softly, of course he remembered.
I want you and wherever you go.
“Yeah,” Derek breathed, optimistic that maybe this time–eight years later, she had changed her mind and had come to a definite conclusion. “Of course I remember.”
“Everything that has happened to me, with adopting Grace, I can’t help but think about you and think about what you had said all those years ago. I look toward the future and I think about the present . And in the present and future, I can’t just picture Grace and I. Because when I anticipate the present and future, you’re there. With us .”
“Addie, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Derek contemplates, discerning whether or not what Addison had said was the figment of his imagination.
“Derek…” Addison falters, tears beginning to cascade down her cheeks. Derek doesn’t hesitate, leaning forward and brushing the tears from her cheeks. Just like he did all those years ago. “I want you and wherever you go.”
Derek smiles, and then Addison catches the mistake and chuckles, “Well, I want you and Grace and wherever we go.”
Derek didn’t waste another moment, wrapping his arms around Addison before leaning in and kissing her passionately. There were still formalities to discuss and there was a lot of reconnecting to occur between the two before giving in to the temptation of a much more serious relationship.
However, they had loved and lost over the past years. Addison hadn’t disclosed anything to him just yet, but he was certain that they would fulfill the promise they had promised all those years ago.
To love each other until eternity.