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Yeonjun picks up a tiny guitar at his first birthday party. He picks the guitar out of all the things his grubby little hands could pick.
He is too young to notice the flash of disappointment on his parents’ faces. They laugh it off, cooing at him as relatives and friends celebrate, snapping photos and videos.
Doljabi is just a fun tradition, no? It doesn’t mean his future is fixed.
***
When Yeonjun is big enough to reach the piano keys, his parents enroll him in lessons. A must for all Korean kids; to grow into a well-rounded person.
Piano lessons are just one of the many extra enrichment activities that he participates in. He doesn’t understand the fuss but his parents say it’s for his own good.
His piano teacher is strict, smacking his little hands with the ruler whenever he makes a mistake.
He hates it at first, but soon he grows to enjoy running his fingers up and down the black and white keys.
“Yeonjun is very talented,” is what his teacher tells his parents.
They're proud of him. And it makes him happy.
***
On the first day of elementary school, Yeonjun meets Beomgyu. Along with him came, Soobin.
They can’t be any more different. Beomgyu is a ball of energy; he is loud, and Yeonjun thinks he is a little strange but he warms up to him quickly.
Soobin is a shy, lanky kid. A lot more subdued compared to Beomgyu. A sweet boy that could get his way with the way his eyes curl into tiny crescents when he smiles.
And Yeonjun is the equilibrium between the two opposites. That’s why they become long-lasting friends.
***
“You play the piano?” Beomgyu exclaims, randomly pressing the keys, making a loud jumbled mess of sounds.
Yeonjun nods. “Yeah. You don’t?”
Both Beomgyu and Soobin shake their heads.
“Come on!” Beomgyu tugs Yeonjun’s hand. “Play something.”
And so he does. Without any sheet music, he sits on the bench and lets his fingers play.
When he is done, he is met with silence. He looks at his friends and they stare back at him, mouths agape.
Scratching his neck, he asks, “So, how was it?”
“That was amazing!”
***
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
It’s Parents’ Day at school.
In his classroom, he stands before his classmates and their parents—his too. He looks to his homeroom teacher who gives him an encouraging nod.
When he looks back, he is met with his parents' gaze. He wants to make his parents happy and proud so he says: “I want to be a lawyer. Just like my dad.”
They break into a smile, clapping along with everyone else.
***
For his twelfth birthday, Yeonjun asks for a laptop.
He gets one. It’s not new, though. Along with a 100,000 won bill tucked between a birthday card, he gets his dad’s old MacBook.
That is where he discovers GarageBand.
Playing the piano is fun, but messing around with the different instruments available on the software is much better.
And when he is supposed to be asleep on a school night, he hides under his blanket with his MacBook creating new melodies and beats.
It’s fun. Making music.
***
Piano lessons stop eventually.
Yeonjun is in middle school, and his parents think that they take up too much of his time; time that can be spent on other classes at the hagwon.
It’s alright, he thinks. At least he still has the piano at home to play during his free time.
***
The piano is gone when Yeonjun returns home from the hagwon one day.
“Where is the piano?” he asks his parents later after dinner.
“Oh honey, we sold it,” his mom tells him.
“Why?”
His dad looks up from the newspaper. “It’s become too much of a distraction.”
“But—”
“Your dad is right,” his mom says. “You’ve been spending a little too much time on it. You should really be preparing for the CSAT.”
Yeonjun is only in his second year of middle school.
Still, he doesn’t question it further. His parents want the best for him, he reminds himself.
***
On the first day of high school, during the opening address by the principal, he sees Chaewon for the first time. Beomgyu nudges him, whispering about a pretty girl from class 1-B.
They're in class 1-A.
“Soobin is so lucky,” Beomgyu mutters watching the lanky boy talk to the girl. “Good looks, height, and in the same class as the Kim Chaewon.”
“You know her?” Yeonjun asks.
“Kim Chaewon? Of course, I know her. Well, not personally. But, who doesn’t?”
“Me?”
“Why am I not surprised.” Beomgyu tuts at him. “Choi Yeonjun who only cares about his books and studies wouldn’t know the prettiest girl in Dongsomun-dong.”
Yeonjun peers over at the two, where Soobin towers over Chaewon as they chat. Her long, dark hair frames her small face; bangs cover her forehead. He stares and his breath hitches. He might have stared a little too long because her eyes catch his.
He turns away and finds Beomgyu looking at him with a mischievous smile stretched across his face. “Yah, Choi Yeonjun, don’t tell me you’ve fallen for Dongsomun-dong’s goddess already.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
Still, he takes another quick glance. This time Chaewon is looking at him. Soobin leans down and whispers something into her ear, grinning as he straightened his posture. And when Chaewon giggles, lowering her head down to acknowledge Yeonjun, Soobin winks at him.
He feels heat rising up his neck. Beomgyu is right. Kim Chaewon is the prettiest girl he has ever seen.
***
Yeonjun is in a music room in the abandoned block behind the school’s main building. He’d found it while wandering around during one of his lunch periods while Beomgyu was off playing football with the other boys in his class.
There is a piano in the room. It’s not as good as the one he used to have at home, and it could do with some tuning but it is still something that he could play. Something that he hadn’t been able to do in some time ever since his parents sold the piano.
As he finishes playing a piece, he hears clapping behind him. He freezes for a moment. There have been some rumours about the abandoned block being haunted; it’s why no one really comes.
He slowly turns to look and finds Chaewon leaning against one of the empty desks.
She approaches him. “That was really good.”
He rubs the back of his neck; his eyes shift away from her and down to the piano keys. “Uh, thanks,” he mumbles.
She stops next to him where he sits on the old, dusty bench. Her fingers run gingerly down the keys. “What piece is it? I don’t think I’ve heard it before.”
He wipes his hands down on his pants. Why does he feel nervous all of a sudden?
“I-uh don’t have a name for it yet.”
“You composed this yourself?”
“Y-Yeah, I did,” he stutters out.
“Wow,” Chaewon whispers. “You’re really talented.”
Yeonjun lowers his head from embarrassment. It’s the first time someone that is not Beomgyu or Soobin has heard his own composed music.
“Yeonjun,” she says.
He turns his head to the voice and comes face-to-face with Chaewon. Even though he is sitting down, they’re nearly at the same height. He leans away, flustered by the close distance between them.
“That’s me.” He lets out a chuckle. A rather awkward one.
“From class 1-A,” she continues, her lips curling into a smile. “I remember you from that day at Mr. Bang’s opening address. Choi Soobin’s best friend.”
“You remember me?”
After that brief interaction—if you could really call it that—he has never really encountered her again. Even when Soobin is in the same class as her.
“Of course. It’s hard to forget someone like you.”
He gulps. “What?”
Thankfully, Chaewon moves back. She tilts her head, gaze boring into him. “You’re not easy to forget.”
And before Yeonjun can say anything, the school bell rings in the distance.
Lunch period is over.
Chaewon glances over her shoulder, then back at him. “We should head back.”
“Oh, right. Yeah.” He stands, dusting down his pants. “We should.”
She spins on her feet, heading towards the door. Before passing the threshold, she looks back. “By the way, has anyone told you that you’re cute?”
“What?” Yeonjun chokes out, but all she says is “see you around” and disappears down the hallway.
He catches her little laugh echoing into the room and suddenly all the sounds that he has created could not compare.
Heart racing, he brings his hand up to his chest. “What just happened?”
***
The music room ends up being their spot. A secret between the two of them.
He doesn’t like keeping secrets from his best friends but they’ll be fine without knowing this one.
***
“Where have you been disappearing off to during lunch period,” Beomgyu questions Yeonjun one day.
Sitting opposite them, mouth stuffed with bread, Soobin nods. “Yeah, where have you been?”
“Somewhere,” Yeonjun says.
It’s not enough for Beomgyu who presses for more. “Of course, you’ve been somewhere. C’mon, tell us.”
Yeonjun sighs. His friends will never get off his back if he doesn’t tell them. “You know the block behind the school building?”
“Yeah, it’s haunted, no?” Beomgyu’s eyes widen. “You’ve been sneaking into that haunted block?”
Yeonjun slaps his hand across Beomgyu’s mouth. “Be quiet, will you?”
Beomgyu shoves him away, and Soobin asks, “That’s where you’ve been all this time?”
Yeonjun nods. “There’s a music room with a piano. And I’ve just been going there to play. You know I don’t have one anymore.”
“Oh,” Soobin mutters, nibbling on his bun.
“Does anyone else know?” Beomgyu asks.
“Well, Chae—”
Fuck. He shouldn’t have let that slip.
“Chaewon?” Beomgyu exclaims, which garners some curious looks.
Soobin nearly chokes. “Kim Chaewon from my class?”
With nowhere to run, Yeonjun sighs again. “She found me playing the piano there. And…”
“There’s an and? It looks like Beomgyu’s eyes are about to bulge out from his head.
A glare is sent Beomgyu’s way who immediately zips his mouth. “And we’ve sort of been hanging out together there.”
A look of realization falls over Soobin’s face. “So that’s why she’s been asking me about you.”
Yeonjun’s ears perk up, and he sits up straighter than before. “She has?”
“Oh? Choi Yeonjun!” Beomgyu pokes him. “Do you like her, or something?”
Yeonjun swats his hands away, and Soobin laughs. “It’s nothing like that.”
“Yeah, yeah. Sure.”
***
They’re in the music room again. Chaewon sits next to Yeonjun on the tiny bench; their shoulders brushing against each other.
She sings as he plays the song she’d requested.
He keeps taking quick glances at her.
“Choi Yeonjun, stop looking,” she giggles, “you’re going to make me forget the lyrics.”
Music may have been Yeonjun’s first love. But Chaewon could possibly change that.
***
Yeonjun drops his pen, stretching out his arms as he lets out a yawn. Opposite sat Chaewon, arms tucked under her head, sound asleep. The soft rays of the evening sun spilled through the library windows, brushing gently on Chaewon’s sleeping face.
Resting his chin on his hand, he quietly observes the sleeping girl; a small smile dancing on his lips. He reaches out, his fingertips grazing against her bangs. There’s a tiny frown formed between Chaewon’s brows and she mumbles something.
Cute.
They have been spending a lot more time together. Not just in the music room, but also finding time to study together, and sometimes joining him at lunch along with Soobin and Beomgyu.
Being around Chaewon brought him the same warmth and comfort the same way music did. It is like he’s taken to another planet, somewhere where his worries don’t exist.
Chaewon is an important part of his life just like music is. And he doesn’t want to change that.
***
“How do you confess to a girl you like?” Yeonjun asks.
The three boys are splayed out flat on the floor of Yeonjun’s bedroom. Beomgyu sits up. “You’re going to confess to Chaewon?”
Yeonjun stares up at his white ceiling, arms folded under his head. “Yeah, I want to ask her to be my girlfriend. I have no idea how to, though. Words are hard.”
“You could go to her class with flowers and profess your love, or maybe you could do it during the morning announcements. I know someone from the broadcasting club—”
As Beomgyu rambles on with his ideas for Yeonjun, he catches Soobin’s glance who shakes his head.
“—or maybe you could—”
“Those are all lovely ideas, Beomgyu-yah,” Soobin interrupts, “but I think that Yeonjun should confess through something he does best.” He looks at Yeonjun. “Through music,” he finishes.
“Music…” Yeonjun repeats.
“Music?” Beomgyu flops back down onto the floor. “Why didn’t I think of that? You’re a genius, Choi Soobin.”
“If words are hard, you can always convey your feelings through a song.” Soobin tilts his head towards Yeonjun. “If you need any help, we’re here.”
***
Yeonjun stares at the screen of his laptop. He’s been staring at it for the past hour trying to come up with lyrics to the song he composed.
He drops his head to his hands and lets out a groan. There’s no way he’ll be able to confess to Chaewon at this rate.
As he is about to give up for the night, his phone vibrates; its screen lights up with notifications. Picking up, he sees texts from Chaewon.
Chaewon
hey
i’m at the playground
come down?
i have ice cream
He pulls off the headphones around his neck and types a quick reply.
Yeonjun
coming
Chaewon
hurry!
before it melts
“Where are you going at this time?” his mom asks from the couch when he leaves his room.
“I’m just going to take a quick breather.”
“Okay.” His mom rises, walking over to him. She presses a kiss on the side of his head. “Don’t stay out too long,” she tells him before retreating to her bedroom.
—
Yeonjun quickly jogs over to the playground down the street from his apartment. As he comes to a halt, he spots Chaewon by the swings waving him over.
When he settles on the swing next to her, she passes him a bar of ice cream.
“Thanks,” he mutters, ripping open the packaging.
They both sit in silence, swinging back and forth as they nibbled on the cold treats. Yeonjun turns his head to look at Chaewon. “Why are you out so late?”
“I just had a lot on my mind,” she says, looking at him.
“You wanna share?”
She stops swinging, her legs anchoring her down; her gaze shifts down to her feet.
“You don’t have to if you don’t wanna,” he adds.
“Well,” she kicks at the sand; he hears a tiny exhale from her, “Yeonjun-ah?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you, by any chance…” she trails off, shakes her head with a short laugh. “Never mind, it’s stupid.”
Yeonjun leans a little closer and nudges her. “Don’t say that. It won’t be. You can tell me.”
“To be honest, it’s not that easy.”
“Why not? It’s just me? You can tell me anything. I won’t judge.”
“Yeah, that’s the problem. It’s you.”
“Huh?”
Him? Did he do something? He searches his memories far and wide, trying to remember if he did anything that could have troubled Chaewon.
“You know what?” She meets his gaze once again. “I’ll just show you.”
“Show me?”
Chaewon gets up from the swing, stuffs the ice cream stick into her pocket and moves to stand in front of him.
“What are you doing?”
“Yeonjun-ah?” She takes a step forward into his space, between his legs.
He looks up at her. “Yeah?”
“Promise you won’t hate me after this?”
“I could never hate you,” he tells her.
“Okay,” she whispers.
Lifting her hands, Chaewon cups them around his jaw. Her thumbs smooth against the apples of his cheeks; her eyes flit down to his lips. Under the dim light of the lone street lamp, Chaewon looks more beautiful than ever.
Feeling her warm breath against his lips when she asks: “Can I?”
Yeonjun nods, leaning closer; their lips brushing against each other. Slowly and tentatively, Chaewon presses her lips to his. Warmth bloomed within Yeonjun’s chest; his heart beating in his ears. Her lips feel impossibly soft—softer than what he’d ever imagine.
Drawing back just ever so slightly, her lips parted; her hot breath mixing with his. “Does this show you?”
“Yeah, it did,” he breathes.
Her hands slip down, curling around his neck. “I like you, Yeonjun-ah.”
“Me too. I like you too,” he mutters, drawing her into another kiss.
***
Yeonjun
she kissed me
Beomgyu
she kissed you?!?!!
CHAEWON KISSED YOU??
Soobin
so your confession went as planned?
Yeonjun
well…
about that
Beomgyu
you didn’t confess??
Yeonjun
she did it first
kinda
Beomgyu
KINDA?!!
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???
Soobin
she likes you though
right?
Yeonjun
yeah, she does
Soobin
that’s good
congrats!
Beomgyu
YAH CHOI YEONJUN
CONGRATS YOU LOVESICK FOOL
Yeonjun
still gotta ask her to be my girlfriend though
Beomgyu
WHAT
Soobin
yeonjun-ah…
***
Yeonjun doesn’t think he has been this nervous in a long time. He sits at the edge of the chair, carefully watching Chaewon as she listened to the track he produced that he was supposed to confess with.
Her eyes are closed, fingers tapping on her knee as she hums along.
When she peeks her eyes open, he asks, “So-uh, how was it? There are no lyrics yet so it’s not exactly finished and there’s a lot of polishing needed. I tried writing lyrics but it isn’t exactly my forte. I wanted it to be perfect before I let you listen but Soobin told me that I should just let you listen. Because what if it’s not that good? Chaewon-ah, you can tell me if it isn’t good. I’ll be—”
A finger presses against his lips, cutting him off from his ramble. “It’s perfect,” Chaewon tells him.
“But…”
She narrows her eyes at him. “Stop downplaying yourself. With or without lyrics, it’s perfect. You’re amazing, you know that?”
“Really?”
Her hand wraps around his own, squeezing it gently. “Really.”
“Thanks, Chaewon-ah. It means a lot.”
“So…” Chaewon tilts her head, smiling at him. “You were going to confess to me with this track?”
Suddenly, Yeonjun feels heat rising to his cheeks. He coughs, glancing away.
“Yeonjun-ah,” Chaewon playfully whines.
With his free hand, he tugs at the knot of his tie. “Yeah…I-uh…well that night at the playground? I was actually trying to write the lyrics for the song. Then you texted me.” He is pretty sure his ears are burning red right now. “And you beat me to the confession.”
Chaewon grins. “I had to one-up you somehow. You’re already so smart and talented, I needed to beat you at something.”
He peeks back at her, a smile on his face matching hers. “Well, try beating this.”
“Hmm?”
“Kim Chaewon, will you be my girlfriend?”
***
Yeonjun might just be the happiest he’s been in a long time. But sometimes, happiness is fleeting as he is reminded of the goals his parents have set for him.
“What is this?” His dad slams Yeonjun’s report card onto the dining table.
Hands clasping in front of him, Yeonjun lowers his head under the intense glare of his dad. “Sorry,” he mutters. “I’ll try harder next time.”
“You’ll be starting your final year of high school soon. And what’s after that?”
“The CSAT.”
His dad’s finger points down at the report card. “And this is how you’re performing?”
Yeonjun shakes from his dad’s booming voice; he feels small in front of him. “Sorry.”
“Don’t say you’re sorry if you can’t show me that you can do well. How are you going to enter SNU at this rate?”
Yeonjun can feel the tears burning his eyes, but he doesn’t let them fall. “Sorry,” he says again.
“You better not let me down again.” His dad’s voice was harsh; cold. “Don’t be a disappointment.”
Yeonjun nods, still unable to look up.
“What are you still standing there for? Are you not going to study?”
“Yes, Dad,” he mumbles, bowing before backing away and retreating into his room.
Later that night, his mom comes into his room, offering him a plate of fruits. She cards her fingers through his hair; her presence brings some comfort, a stark difference from his dad.
“Your father means well,” she tells him.
“I know,” Yeonjun mutters. But does he really? Does Dad mean well for Yeonjun or just for the pride of the family?
His mom places a kiss against the crown of his head. And as she begins to leave him to his studies, she says, “Yeonjun-ah, I saw the music software on your laptop while cleaning your room. I know you enjoy music but please don’t let it distract you. If your father finds out, he won’t be happy.”
As if his dad isn’t already unhappy with him but he still replies with an “okay.”
Once the door shuts behind Yeonjun, he pulls open the tab on his laptop. Berklee College of Music Admissions, it read at the top. He sighs, rubbing his already red eyes; his dreams already beginning to fall apart.
After a moment of hesitance, he closes the page.
***
“Do you think I have a future in music?” Yeonjun asks Chaewon one day.
Chaewon moves her head that’d been resting against his tall shoulder. She looks at him, concern blankets her face. “Of course, you do. Anyone would be stupid to not want to work with you. I think you have a bright future in it.”
“You’re just saying that.”
“Why are you asking this all of a sudden? Is something wrong?”
He shakes his head. He doesn’t want to worry Chaewon.
“Yeonjun-ah, look at me?”
He turns his head to face her. Her eyes search his face, hands coming to cup it. “You can tell me if anything’s wrong. I don’t like it when you doubt yourself like this.”
Yeonjun brings his hands to cover Chaewon’s, pulling them away from his face. He presses a kiss against them before bringing them down to his lap; his thumbs brushing her knuckles. “It’s fine. There’s nothing for you to worry about,” he assures her.
Chaewon doesn’t seem convinced but she doesn’t push any further. Still asking a “you sure” for good measure.
“I’m sure.”
She lets her hands slip from his own, bringing them up to curl around his neck. Pulling his down closer to her, she leans her head against his. “Just remember that you’re good enough. You’re amazing, Yeonjun-ah.”
He nods, closing the distance between them to press his lips on hers. “Thank you, Chaewon-ah,” he says against her lips. “Thank you.”
***
For the nth time, Yeonjun checks all the documents he needs for his application.
He glances at the heading of the website. Berklee College of Music Admissions. He is going to do it—he has to. Even if he doesn’t get accepted, the fact that he tried matters.
Taking a deep breath, his mouse hovers over the ‘submit’ button. He exhales and clicks on it.
He did it.
***
Yeonjun stares at his result slip. In his classroom, some of his classmates celebrate, satisfied with their results; some break down in tears either from joy or sadness.
Yeonjun—he feels indifferent.
“I can’t believe I actually did pretty good,” Beomgyu says, waving his slip around when he notices Yeonjun.
He peers down at Yeonjun’s slip. “Dude! I knew you were smart but not this smart?”
But when Yeonjun doesn’t reply, he carefully nudges him. “Hey, Choi Yeonjun. Aren’t you happy with your results?”
Yeonjun should be. After all, he was close to perfect—one of the top-performing students in their school, maybe even in the country. Good enough to enter any university and courses of his choice. Good enough for him to go to SNU like his dad wants.
But, he couldn’t bring himself to feel happy. Because he knew—he knew that sitting in his email inbox is a scholarship offer from Berklee. An offer that he would have to reject because there was no way in hell he will be able to attend the school.
“I should be happy, shouldn’t I?” He looks at Beomgyu, tears welling up in his eyes.
“Yeonjun-ah…what’s wrong? Should I go get Chaewon?”
Yeonjun shakes his head; he doesn’t want to worry his girlfriend. Instead, he drops his head onto Beomgyu's shoulders. His body shakes as he allows the tears to run free. Beomgyu slowly rubs his hand across Yeonjun’s back. “Hey, it’s okay. You’ll be okay.”
Later, when Chaewon finds him, leaping into his arms, happy with her results, Yeonjun pretends that he is okay. He pretends that he is happy with his CSAT score
“We did it!” Chaewon says, pressing kisses all over his face.
“Yeah, we did.”
***
“You did well, son.”
His dad’s hug is supposed to be warm but it is anything but that.
“Thank you, Dad.”
His dad pulls back, hands on his shoulders. There’s a look of pride on his face. “SNU will be soon getting an outstanding student. Right?”
Yeonjun swallows the lump in his throat and nods. “Yes, dad. I’ll make you proud.”
Make his dad proud. That is what makes Yeonjun happy. That is what he tries to remind himself. It is what matters the most—right?
“Keep doing what you’re doing and in no time you’ll be in law school.”
***
“You’re really applying to SNU?”
Yeonjun nods.
“As a political science major?”
Yeonjun nods again.
“What about music?”
He tries not to crack in front of Chaewon. He wants to tell her about Berklee. She’ll tell him to go. Because it is his dream. But he won’t. He should just forget about Berklee—it won’t happen.
“It’s just a fun hobby.” He smiles; he tries. “I have to be realistic. Music won’t help me get into law school. It won’t make me a lawyer.”
But Chaewon knows him too well. She can see through him. She knows that this isn’t what he wants. “But isn’t law school what your father wants? What about you? Is that what you really want?”
Chaewon has met his parents a few times already; Yeonjun had introduced her to them. She’s an important part of his life after all. They’d even taken a liking to her—smart and pretty; a perfect girl for Yeonjun. It is where Chaewon learns how hardheaded his father is.
“It’s what Dad wants. And,” he falters but he sets his jaw, “I think it’s what I want to do as well.”
“But—”
“Music…its industry isn’t easy to get into. It's unpredictable. I could easily fail and then what? Going to SNU and then to law school is…it’ll be stable. Safe.”
Chaewon’s brows knit together. She’s upset; Yeonjun knows that. He knows that she wants to see him happy; to see him thrive, doing what he loves and enjoys. But it is not realistic.
It’s not.
***
Fulfilling his dad’s wishes, Yeonjun gets into SNU, majoring in Political Science. At least his life is made less terrible when Chaewon also enrolls in SNU. She’s in a different major—Economics—but being on the same campus made things a little better.
His best friends on the other hand end up in different schools. Beomgyu ends up at Dankook University as a Theatre major while Soobin is in Business Administration at Sejong University.
They're all happy, and he should be too.
***
University isn’t all that bad. While studying isn’t as rigorous as it was back in high school, Yeonjun still finds himself working hard in his classes—he still needs to enter law school once he graduates.
Music is still there. It always will be. A hobby that he partakes in during his free time. Sometimes, Chaewon would help him with the vocals. Sometimes Soobin or Beomgyu—the latter often insisting to add to his portfolio.
(“Please Yeonjun? I’ll pay you. Write me a song?” Beomgyu had begged Yeonjun once.)
And Berklee? Berklee has been erased from his memories.
His focus is on law school and working to become a lawyer—and his future with Chaewon.
***
“I miss you.”
Yeonjun stares at his phone screen, watching Chaewon through the video call as she prepared for school.
Settling down by her desk where her phone is propped up against some books, she says, “I miss you, too.”
“I can’t wait to go back home,” he tells her, rolling over onto his stomach as he lays on his bed.
“I know. I can’t wait to have you here with me.”
The last two months have been both amazing and awful for Yeonjun. He is currently on exchange, studying at a Californian university for his penultimate semester before graduating. It is the first time he’s been apart from Chaewon for so long and it honestly sucked.
“This will be the last time I’ll ever go away for so long. I wish I can hold you right now.”
Chaewon laughs. “You’re so clingy.”
“I just really miss you.”
“I know.” She looks at him, and even when there is an ocean apart, he can feel her love. “Just one more month, and you can come home. I won’t go anywhere, so don’t worry and focus on school.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
***
Hey!
It’s Peter. I’m not sure if you remember me but we met at Matthias’ party. I wasn’t able to get your phone number then but I managed to find your email online.
I don’t I told you then but I work for Blue Hour Records. I think you’re familiar with the label. Well, you see there is a reason why I’m contacting you. You showed me a couple of your tracks and I actually showed them to the A&R department. I should’ve asked you but I had no way of contacting you then.
Anyway, to get straight to the point, the label is interested in working with you.
Call me at +1 XXX-XXX-XXXX and we can discuss this more.
Best,
Peter Kang
***
A few weeks before Yeonjun’s final semester is over, he meets Beomgyu.
“So, have you started preparing to apply to law school?” Beomgyu asks, putting down his cup of coffee after taking a sip.
“Not yet.”
“Really?” Beomgyu looks at him, surprised. “Thought you would’ve begun already. Having second thoughts? Uncle’s veins might burst if you don’t,” he chuckles. He immediately shuts his mouth when Yeonjun glares at him.
“Actually, there is something.”
Yeonjun takes his phone from his pocket, opens his email app and scrolls to a specific email. He places his phone down on the table and slides it over to Beomgyu.
“What is this?” Beomgyu takes the phone and his eyes scan across the screen. He looks back at Yeonjun, putting the phone down. “This is all in English.”
“Blue Hour Records want me to work as an in-house producer for them,” Yeonjun tells Beomgyu.
“Blue Hour Records?” Beomgyu picks up the phone again, reading through the email again even though he couldn’t understand a word. Looking at Yeonjun, eyes wide, he says, “As in that big record label that RM is signed to? One of the world’s biggest hip-hop stars? That Blue Hour Records?”
Yeonjun nods, taking his phone back from Beomgyu. “Yeah, that record label. I met someone during my exchange. Turns out he works for Blue Hour. He listened to some of my tracks and showed it to A&R and they like my stuff, enough to want me to work for them.”
“This is amazing,” Beomgyu exclaims, almost buzzing in his seat. “Have you told Chaewon yet?”
“Not yet.”
“Wait, why not? I would think she’d be the first one to know.”
Yeonjun pulls his lips into a straight line. He knows what he’ll say next will upset Beomgyu. “Because I intend to reject the offer.”
“What?” Beomgyu’s voice is loud that it attracts the attention of the other customers in the cafe. Quickly muttering an apology, he looks at Yeonjun, confused. “What do you mean you’re going to reject their offer? This is an amazing opportunity.” “It is. But they want me to move to Los Angeles.”
“Okay, and? What’s wrong with that.”
Looking down at his phone, the picture of him and Chaewon stares back. Returning his gaze to Beomgyu, he says, “It means I’ll have to leave Chaewon.”
Beomgyu frowns. “I’m sure she’ll understand. If anything, she’d want you to go.”
Yeonjun’s shoulder begins to sag. He looks at Beomgyu with a sad smile. “It’ll hurt too much to go. Being apart from Chaewon during my exchange was anything but easy. She has been my rock all these years and I need her. I don’t think I can be away from her”
“So…so you’re just willing to give it all up for her?”
“I’ve already given up a lot. And not just for her.”
“What do you mean?”
Yeonjun was never going to tell anyone. But it has been years already; it’s something he has already come to terms with and moved passed from. So he tells Beomgyu: “Before we graduated from high school, I applied to Berklee and got in. I got in and even got a scholarship, but I ended up rejecting the offer. Dad wanted me to go to SNU; to go to law school. So that is what I did, and that is what I’ll see to the end.”
“And you never told Chaewon? Not even me? Or Soobin?”
“Because if I did, you guys would’ve told me to go.” “Of course, we would!”
“But I couldn’t have let that happen. Dad would’ve been so disappointed.”
Beomgyu massages his temples, shaking his head. “You gave up your dream because you were afraid of disappointing Uncle. And now you’re given a second chance, you’re not taking it because of Chaewon? Does that make any sense?”
“It does.” Yeonjun clenches his jaw. “If I can make Dad proud of me, it wouldn’t matter if I gave up my dreams.”
“And Chaewon?”
“She doesn’t have to know about this. We’re fine. She’s secured a position at her dream company and I’m going to attend law school. Our future is set.”
“Yeonjun-ah,” Beomgyu sighs. “Can’t you think of yourself? Just once? This is your life. Not your father’s. What is the point of making him proud if you’re not happy?”
“But I am happy,” Yeonjun says as if he’s trying to convince himself. “I’m happy.”
There is frustration and hurt in Beomgyu’s eyes. Yeonjun knows his friend is hurting for him. But Yeonjun is set on his decision. “I’m going to reject the offer,” he says, resolute in his decision.
“At least think about it more, before you make a rash decision. Please?”
Yeonjun swallows. There is no changing his mind.
***
Chaewon is awfully quiet, Yeonjun notices. She’d come over to his apartment for dinner but the food in front of her has barely been touched.
“How were your classes today?” he asks.
Poking at a piece of sliced beef, her eyes fixed on the dishes in front of them, Chaewon simply replies with a “fine”.
Her short reply adds to his concern. But still, he decides to continue to conversation, “Professor Choi gave the entire class extra credit after Wooyoung managed to throw a crumpled ball of paper into the bin across the lecture hall.”
“That’s nice.”
Silence engulfs them again. Yeonjun can only nod his head, pulling his lips into a line. There is tension in the air—it’s awkward and palpable. Then, Chaewon breaks it.
“Yeonjun-ah?”
“Hmm?” He looks at her.
She nibbles at her bottom lip, still unable to meet his gaze.
“Is something wrong?” he asks carefully.
After taking in a deep breath, Chaewon finally returns his gaze for the first time since they began eating. Behind her dark, brown eyes that stare back at him, something brewed. Her eyes that light up whenever she looks at him—it is all but a storm swirling in them.
“We should break up.”
Yeonjun freezes; his heart tightens in his chest. It feels like the air has been knocked out of him—sucker punched to his gut. “What?”
Chaewon tears her eyes away for a moment, her throat bobbing as she swallows hard. As if it took all her strength, she looks at him again. And for the second time, she repeats herself, “I think we should break up.”
Yeonjun feels his body weaken. He sets down his chopsticks as his grip around them slackens. Resting his hands on the table, he balls them into fists to stop them from shaking. His vision begins to blur but he blinks away the tears before they can fall.
“You think we should break up?” he repeats slowly as his lower lip trembles. He is unable to hide the shakiness in his voice as he tries to internalize what Chaewon has said.
He doesn’t understand where this is coming from. It is just all too sudden.
Chaewon nods. “We should break up,” she says with much more resolve.
Hearing her say it the third time, feels like a stab to his heart; the crack in his heart growing larger.
“I don’t understand where this is coming from. Did I do something wrong? Are you unhappy about something?”
“I,” she hesitates for a moment, playing with the couple's ring he’d given her for their anniversary. “I can’t be happy in this relationship, not when…”
“When what?” He needs to know.
She exhales, then: “Beomgyu told me.”
No. No, no, no. He couldn’t have told her. Yeonjun told him not to.
“What did he say?”
“I think you know what I’m talking about. Blue Hour Records. He told me they want you to work for them. And he told me about Berklee”
Yeonjun can see her jaw roll, tensed. She holds onto his gaze, and he can see the hurt in her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did I have to hear such big news from your best friend?”
Her lips quiver as she continues, “You know what else he said? That you were planning to reject their offer because of me.”
“Were you actually ever going to tell me? About the offer? About Berklee?”
“Berklee was something from a long time ago. That doesn’t matter anymore.”
“And what about Blue Hour Records?”
“I…” He looks down at the bowl of rice in front of him. He didn’t have shame to face her.
“Yeonjun-ah, look at me,” Chaewon pleads.
Yeonjun runs his hand down his face as he tries not to break down.
“Please look at me. Baby?”
“I wasn’t,” he replies softly before he finally looks back at Chaewon. “I was going to tell them no and forget that it ever happened. Just like Berklee.”
Anguish and confusion set on Chaewon’s face. “Why? Isn’t this your dream? To work in music? Now you have the chance to do that. An opportunity that has dropped straight onto your lap, and you don’t want it?”
She runs her fingers through her hair, frustrated. “Help me understand why, Yeonjun-ah.”
“I would have to move to Los Angeles if I agreed to their offer,” he finally says.
Chaewon’s brows knit together. “How—”
“Accepting their offer means I leave. I would be sacrificing whatever I have right now to go there, and that includes you. Accepting their offer means that I would be apart from you. You knew how hard it was for me during my exchange. I don’t think I can handle that again.”
“So you’re cutting off your dreams to be with me?”
Yeonjun sat straight, squaring his shoulders, sure of his decision. “Yes. Those dreams mean little to me if you’re not by my side. I’ve been okay without those dreams all these years. And I’ll continue to be okay with it.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do.”
Chaewon tears her eyes away from Yeonjun; her lips pursed and deep in thought. “What if,” she begins, looking straight at him, “what if I go with you to LA?”
His eyes widen at her sudden proposition. “No,” he says firmly. “I can’t let you do that. It would be selfish of me, to have you uproot everything for me? And what about your job? The one that you have lined up after you graduate?”
“I’ll find something there. I’m sure I’ll be able to.”
“No.” Yeonjun shakes his head. “You got your dream job, and you’ve worked so hard to get it.”
Chaewon scoffs, rolling her eyes as if what she just heard him say was so incredulous—because in truth, it was.
“Are you hearing yourself?” Her voice slowly rising in volume. “I would be the selfish one if I just let you reject the offer because of me. Don’t be ridiculous, Choi Yeonjun.”
The hurt in her voice stings. The cracks in his heart grow longer and wider. Her head drops into her hands. Yeonjun can see her shoulder shake. He wants to go over to her side, to hold her in his arms. But he knows that she’ll push him away.
When she looks back up at him, wet tears stained her skin. Her breath shudders as she exhales, wiping at her face with the back of her hand.
“You know, maybe, a few years down the road, you end up regretting your decision. You’ll regret not going after your dreams. And you know what will happen? You’ll begin to resent me. You’ll be stuck in law school and then go on to be a lawyer, doing something that you clearly don’t enjoy. And you’ll think about the what-ifs. ‘What if I had taken the offer? Would I be in a happier position?’”
“That won’t ever happen.” It is just simply too impossible to even think about. “I could never resent you.”
Chaewon lets out a mirthless laugh. “You don’t know that.”
“Why are you doing this? Why does it seem like you’re trying to drive me away? Do you…” his shoulder sag; defeated. “Do you no longer love me?”
“I’m doing all this because I love you! Can’t you see that? I love you so, so much that it hurts to know that you’re willing to give up so much for me.”
Her hand presses against her chest, tears streaking down her face.
“You keep saying that music is just a hobby now. But I can see it in your face. How it makes you so happy. Those nights when I stay over when you think I’m asleep, I sometimes find you hunched over your computer working on your music. It just breaks my heart to see you like this. Making music is your passion. The way your eyes twinkle when you talk about music? Music makes you happy—it always has.”
“You make me happy too.”
“But are you really happy without music?”
Yeonjun tries. He really tries—to convince Chaewon that he is content with the way his life is. But, she knows better.
“I…” Nothing comes out. As hard as he tries, he can’t answer.
“You should be out there chasing your dreams,” Chaewon continues. He can hear the exhaustion in her voice. “Not here. Not with me. Not your father’s dreams of you becoming a lawyer like him. Not when I’m just tying you down.”
“What if this is what I want?” His voice comes out small.
“You know it’s not what you really want. This isn’t it.”
“You don’t get to decide that for me. I love you, and I’m happy with what we have right now.”
“And your father gets to decide for you? The only reason why you’re taking this path is because of him. So, stop lying to yourself.”
“And what if I’m not.”
Chaewon sighs, beginning to stand. “I don’t think I can do this anymore tonight.”
“Wait, where are you going?” He stands, moving towards her.
“I think we need to give ourselves some space to think this through properly.”
“Okay,” Yeonjun says, resigned.
Then, Chaewon steps forward into his space. His eyes flutter close; her scent invading his sense. Her small palm cups his jaw, and a kiss is pressed at the corner of his lips.
When she pulls away, he opens his eyes. A tear rolls down his face which she gently swipes away with her thumb.
“I’m sorry for doing this, but I have to—for you. Always know that I love you,” she whispers before dropping her hand from his face. She backs away and then grabs her phone and car keys.
With her back facing him, Yeonjun manages to mutter out: “I love you, too.”
“I know,” Chaewon says softly. Then, she is gone.
Yeonjun’s knees weaken as he drops to the floor. A choked sob escapes his lips. His vision blurs with tears. The crack in his heart now shatters it into smaller pieces; the pain being to hard to bear.
***
“How’s Chaewon?” Yeonjun’s mom asks. “We haven’t seen her in a while.”
He is over for dinner at his parents’ house. “She’s good.”
His dad looks at him. “And how is your application for law school going?”
Putting down his chopsticks, Yeonjun takes in a deep breath. After that night with Chaewon, he thought about what she said really hard. Maybe, it is time that he took a stand for himself. So, he says: “Dad, there’s something I have to tell you.”
With his brow raised, emphasizing the creases on his forehead, his dad asks, “What is it?”
“I’m not going to law school.”
Yeonjun is met with silence. His dad stares hard at him. Then, “What did you say?”
This time with more resolve, Yeonjun repeats himself, “I’m not going to apply to law school. I don’t want to be a lawyer. It is not my dream. That is your dream for me.”
His dad slams his chopsticks down onto the table, making Yeonjun and his mom jump.
“Yeonjun-ah, what are you saying?” his mom interjects, her eyes shifting between him and his dad.
“I got an offer to work at a record label in LA,” Yeonjun continues. “They want me to produce music for them.”
“Yeonjun-ah,” his mom pleads for him to stop.
“I’ll be accepting their offer. And there’s nothing you can do to change my mind.”
“Enough!” his dad shouts. “Don’t be stupid. Produce music? Don’t be ridiculous. You will go to law school and that is final.”
“No!” Yeonjun stands, pushing the dining chair back. “All my life I did everything to make you proud. It made me happy to see you be proud of me, so I kept working hard to do as you say. You wanted me to quit piano? I did. You wanted me to study hard? I did. You wanted me to score well on the CSAT? I did. You wanted me to study at SNU? I did. I did everything you wanted to make you happy. But not once–not once did you ever think to ask if I was happy?”
“Yeonjun-ah,” his mom says.
“Don’t.” He rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands before looking at his parents again. “Did you know music made me happy? It made doing all the things I did for you much easier. I thought I could be happy living the life you wanted me to live. I tried, I really did. I even gave up a scholarship to Berklee, you know? I did my best through university so that I can get into law school.”
His dad remains quiet, so he continues, “I was going to reject the label’s offer. I was going to forget it ever happened. But…but Beomgyu and Chaewon,” his voice cracks but he holds it together, “they said things that made me change my mind. And they’re right. I should be able to live my own dreams. Not yours. So, I’m sorry, Mom and Dad, if I am a disappointment. But, I think it’s time I get to decide what is good for me.”
Without looking at him, his dad finally speaks, “Get out.”
“What?”
“I said, get out. No son of mine talks to me this way.”
“Honey…please.”
Yeonjun blinks back his tears. He sets his jaw, then says, “Fine. I’ll leave.”
“Yeonjun-ah…”
As he moves away from the dining table, he bows his head down at his parents. “Thank you for raising me and giving me a good life.”
And then, just like that, he’s gone.
***
“Do we really have to?”
Chaewon looks at Yeonjun with tears in her eyes. She smiles up at him. “I think this would be better for us,” she tells him.
“But, can’t we try the long-distance thing?”
“No, we can’t. I don’t how long you’ll be over there in LA. And I…I have my job here, and I don’t want us to be stuck in a relationship where there isn’t really a future set. I also want you to be free when you’re there. I don’t want you to worry about me and just focus on living what you’ve always dreamed of.”
Yeonjun understands where Chaewon is coming from. He’ll be leaving for LA soon, beginning his work producing music. He too doesn’t know how long he’ll remain there or if he will ever return to Korea. It still hurts, nevertheless.
“Okay, I understand. We can still keep in contact, yeah?”
Chaewon nods. “We can try to.”
Unable to stop himself, Yeonjun sweeps Chaewon into a hug, wrapping his arms around her waist. He presses her face into the crook of her neck, breathing her in. “I’m going to miss you so much.”
Chaewon holds onto him. “Me too.”
When he pulls back, he realizes that he’s crying. Chaewon wipes away his tears, leaning up to kiss him one last time.
“Wait for me?” he asks.
“I’ll try to.”
It’s a lot for him to ask but Chaewon’s reply is more than enough for him.
***
Beomgyu
did you get the wedding invitation?
Yeonjun
yeah, i received it
Beomgyu
will i be seeing you there?
i can’t believe it’s actually happening
Yeonjun
i’ll be there
***
The hotel is packed with wedding guests when Yeonjun arrives. He’d just come straight from the airport, arriving back in Seoul later than expected, having needed to wrap some things up before he left LA.
He looks around trying to find a familiar face when someone calls his name. “Choi Yeonjun!”
Turning toward the voice, he finds Beomgyu waving at him. Squeezing past the wedding guests, Beomgyu stops in front of him with his arms wide open. Looking him up and down, Beomgyu grins. “Wow, look at you. A Grammy-winning producer is standing in front of me.”
Yeonjun chuckles, moving in to hug the man. When he pulls back, he says, “It’s good to see you.”
“Likewise.” Beomgyu pulls him away from the crowd. “I can’t believe you’re back. For good this time?”
“For good.”
After working for five years at Blue Hour Records, Yeonjun has achieved much more than he’d ever imagined. Having established many connections with industry insiders, producers and artists, he finally decided to return to Korea and start his own label.
“It’s really great to have you back,” Beomgyu tells him. “Have you seen the groom yet?”
Yeonjun shakes his head.
“Come on,” Beomgyu says, leading him to the entrance of the main banquet hall.
Standing outside the hall, Yeonjun sees the familiar lanky man dressed in a crisp black tuxedo. The man visibly lights up when he spots Yeonjun.
“Soobin!” Yeonjun says, approaching Soobin. He pulls him into a hug. “Congratulations! I always knew you’ll be the first among us to get married.”
Soobin grins. “Thanks, Yeonjun-ah. It’s great to have you back.”
“So, how’s the bride?”
“I haven’t got to see her yet but she’s probably just as nervous as I am. I can’t believe I’m actually getting married.”
Beomgyu lightly punches Soobin’s shoulder. “I’m so jealous of you.”
Soobin laughs. “You can’t say that when you refuse to propose to your girlfriend.”
“We’ve only been dating for six months.”
“And you’re head over heels in love with her.”
Beomgyu claps his hands together. “Enough of me. It’s your big day today. Should we go see the bride, Yeonjun-ah?”
“Oh, sure.” Turning back to Soobin, Yeonjun pats his shoulder. “I’ll see you later?”
Together with Beomgyu, they make their way to the adjacent room where the bride waits before the wedding begins. Upon entering the room, they’re met with the beautiful bride seated in the middle, her long white dress flowing behind her.
She smiles when she sees the two men enter.
“Congratulations,” Yeonjun says, “I don’t think we’ve got to meet much but I’m grateful that Soobin has found someone like you.”
“Thank you,” she replies. “I heard from Soobin–oppa that you’re back here for good. I hope to see you around more.”
“You look beautiful, Jaeyi,” Beomgyu adds. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you, Beomgyu.”
Jaeyi motions for Beomgyu and then whispers something into his ear. They both look at Yeonjun who returns it with a questioning gaze. “Why are you guys looking at me like that.”
“Nothing,” Beomgyu quickly says. “Come on, we should get to our seats.”
“Right…” Smiling at Jaeyi, Yeonjun lowers his head. “Best of luck.”
***
The wedding was a beautiful affair. Yeonjun might have shed a tear as Soobin recited his vows. Beomgyu, on the other hand, became a sobbing mess.
As the wedding guests transitioned into a different hall for the banquet, Yeonjun leaves to find the washroom. While he wanders pasts all the other guests, he bumps into someone.
“I’m so sorry,” he apologizes when he realizes who he’d just bumped into. “Chaewon?”
Looking a little frazzled, her now short, dark hair a little messed up with her bangs sticking to her forehead. “Yeonjun?”
And like the first time he ever saw her, his breath hitches in his throat.
“You’re back,” she breathes.
“I’m back. For good.”
It’s been so long since he heard her voice. Communication between them slowly lessened over time. It was better, Yeonjun had thought, to keep the distance. It didn’t change the fact that he still yearned for her. From what he heard from Beomgyu, Chaewon did date someone but it didn’t last very long.
(“Why don’t you just call or text her?” Beomgyu asks.
“It’s not that simple.”)
“Really?”
Yeonjun nods. “I’m actually setting up my label here. Not sure if Beomgyu told you.”
“He didn’t actually. He didn’t even say anything about you being here.”
“Of course, he didn’t.” Yeonjun smiles. “I guess he wanted to keep the surprise.”
Chaewon laughs, and Yeonjun feels his heart flutter at the sound. “Well, I’m definitely surprised.”
Unable to help himself, he glances down at her hands. No ring. Beomgyu never mentioned anything about Chaewon dating anyone new.
Noticing him looking at her hands, she plays with her fingers before looking up at him with a smile. “I’m really happy to see you again.”
“Me too.”
“Yeonjun-ah?”
Hearing her say his name, made his heart swell. “Hmm?”
“If you have some time, would you like—”
“I would. I’d like to go out for a coffee or something with you. How does that sound?”
“That sounds perfect.”