Chapter Text
Chan is five when he meets her the first time.
Her hug is cool and warm, sometimes cold, wraps easily around him no matter how much he moves. It’s like she’s cradling him, whispering sweet and comforting words despite her language being different from his.
But he understands her, and she understands him too.
His fascination and love for her almost turns deadly one day, when he lets her take him away, in her embrace despite the calls from his parents, desperate and worried.
He remembers that day, he’s felt so much at home, despite the dryness of his lips and tongue, the burns on his skin, in contrast with the wrinkles of his fingers and toes.
The sea, his true home.
(“There’s— there’s a kid—” Arms hold him, bring him against the crook of the neck of someone, but Chan’s consciousness mourns the loss of her embrace, “— call an ambulance he’s dehydrated !”
“What happened ?!”
“The kid’s been floating on his surfboard for who knows how long—”)
He started with empty bottles. He’d fill it with gifts, a piece of his home on land to send to her and communicate.
Flowers, dirt, his favorite plushie, a sock and on and on and on.
And when one day he’d receive back a gift, her own bottle filled with water and a pretty fish in, he thinks it’s when he fell in love.
(“Chan, stop throwing bottles in the sea ! You’re polluting it !” His mother yells, pulling roughly on Chan’s arm to drag him away from the sea.
“But mom I’m talking with her—” he struggles to push her hand away, whining in pain when she only pulls on his wrist harsher.
“You need to stop doing this, go play with the other kids instead.”
“But I don’t want to !”)
Later, he’d find himself always going back to her, despite his mother’s words and yells. He’d cry while she’d comfort him with gentle touch and Chan would feel so loved it hurt. He’d spend the day and the night next to her, cradled in her embrace, floating gently at her touch while he tells her about his family and their arguments of the moment.
(“Chan ! For the last time, I told you to stop going to the beach alone ! It’s dangerous, you could get hurt—”
“But I want to see her ! I don’t care about it, I’ll keep going—” He yells back angrily only to cry out in pain when he gets slapped.
“I’m forbidding you to go back to the beach alone, understood ?” She tells him firmly.
“I hate you !” He cries out and shoves at her legs to run away, ignoring the call of his name.)
“Hyung ?”
Chan shrieks in terror, hand on his chest when he finds Changbin grinning proudly, “Don’t scare me like that !”
“Sorry, sorry,” he says, but Chan knows he doesn’t mean it which makes him roll his eyes, “what were you doing ?” he asks as he takes off his jacket.
Chan stares back at the window, “Can we go to the sea tonight ?”
Changbin doesn’t answer for some seconds. He looks at him, then back at the window with a sigh, “You’re so obsessed, it’s turning creepy.”
Chan whines and slaps his shoulder, “I’m not obsessed— well I am, but it’s not creepy,” he puckers his lips as Changbin snorts.
“Sure hyung, sure,” he bends forward and extends his arms and Chan sighs, though he can’t stop the small fond smile as he wraps his arms around his neck. Changbin carefully lifts him up, “you didn’t shower ?”
Chan shakes his head, “Was waiting for you,” he replies and the younger hums as they go to the bathroom, “How was your day ?”
Changbin puts him on the shower seat against the wall and they both start to undress, “It was fine, there’s a new guy now, he’s fun, I think you’ll like him.”
“Tell me more.”
“Han Jisung, he’s like, twenty three and jokes whenever he can,” he says with a smile and Chan grins like it’s contagious. He’s managed to take off all of his clothes and now is trying to find the perfect temperature for the water, one hand gripping on the side bar, “and he likes music too !”
“The Seo Changbin finally has a friend,” he teases and earns back an offended shout.
“Yah ! I’ve always had so many friends hyung ! You don’t even know,” he huffs as he enters the shower, fully naked just as Chan turns on the water and hits him right on his face making him yelp.
Chan laughs at him and Changbin soon joins and they start to wash themselves. Chan pours shampoo in his hands as the younger turns off the water, “Sit down,” he tells him and Changbin does but he still helps clean the older’s feet with a washcloth.
Chan starts massaging his scalp and smiles when Changbin groans in bliss, “God, I love when you do that,” he hums, eyes closed happily, “I swear I can fall asleep now.”
He giggles and keeps rubbing his head, making sure to not miss a spot, “And how was your day, hyung ?”
Chan briefly pauses his massage before continuing again, “I went to a few interviews,” he says, “I don’t think any of them will take me,” he sighs sadly. “It’s always when they see—” he cuts himself to gesture at his legs, before faltering. Changbin looks at him with big empathetic eyes, “— when they see my condition they get shocked I actually applied to their job,” he speaks in frustration, sees Changbin shifts on his knees and holds his hand. His shoulders slump, “I’m sorry.”
Changbin raises an eyebrow, “What for ? Those dumbasses don’t know what they’re missing on, you don’t need legs to work— well, it depends I guess ? What was it for this time ?” he asks and Chan snorts.
“I was going to be the asshole harassing others to buy their products.”
Changbin grimaces, “Well, I’m glad they’re not taking you,” he resumes cleaning his feet then up his legs.
Chan pouts but starts back to wash Changbin’s hair, “At least I’d be making money and you wouldn’t be the only one paying everything.”
“You do make money with your disability allowance though.”
Chan rolls his eyes, “Then let me use it for the bills.”
“Uhm… nah,” he jokes but continues more seriously, “when you’ll start working, they’ll stop giving you your allowance, I think it’s good to sit on some until then, just in case.”
“Changbin, I’m going to be a millionaire at this rate,” Changbin laughs at his words and turns around for Chan to wash his back.
“With how little they’re giving us ? Not so sure, and beside you can use your money for anything else,” he does Chan’s back next and then stands up to do the rest of his body. Chan works on his own and finishes quick enough.
“Fine, I guess I’ll be your sugar daddy then,” the younger snorts at his words and goes to turn on the water to rinse them.
“You’ve always bought me a ton of shit, which you don’t have to—” he shushes Chan before he can reply, “— I know you like buying me gifts, but just, don’t buy too much.”
“It’s not too much,” Chan sulks.
“You literally bought me a gift everyday for a whole month, and that was last month. ”
“It’s never too much if it’s for you,” The older retorts just as Changbin washes the shampoo out of his hair, Chan doing the same.
“Just keep some money on the side hyung, I beg you.”
“Alright fine.”
Chan turns off the water, catching the towel Changbin threw at him and starts drying his hair. The younger wraps a towel around his waist and takes another one for his hair. He plugs on the hairdryer while Chan dries his upper body, “Oh right, I’ll bring your wheelchair.”
“Thanks Bin !”
He’s back quick enough, rolling the wheelchair to the entrance of the shower stall. Chan smiles when he sees a towel placed on it and easily slides it over to scoot in before pushing on the wheels to be next to Changbin.
They had to make a lot of modifications to accommodate Chan’s condition, be the bathroom to have bars for him to hold on, or the sink to be at his level. They also live on the first floor to avoid any problem if the elevator doesn’t work.
Chan remembers him waking up with no more sensation in his legs, both in casts at the moment. He’s been so easily swayed in depression when now he knows it never was the end, but a new beginning. He’d been filled with anger, with how people looked at him in pity, to how he couldn’t even shower and use the toilet alone. He had pushed Changbin away so many times, but the younger had never taken his anger personally, knew it wasn’t meant to hurt him. Instead he had listened to his anger, his worries, his fear and helped him feel at home here.
Adjusted to him, for him.
It’s been six years now.
He knows how to take a shower alone, go to the bathroom alone, clean the place, cook and go outside to feel the breeze or to buy groceries. But he likes spending time with Changbin, so he does a few of those things with him.
“Bin, cheek,” he asks and Changbin flushes a bit but does as asked. He leans down to have Chan peck his cheek in gratitude before rolling away to the kitchen, “I’ll cook tonight.”
“Thanks hyung !”
Chan likes to cook. He’s not a chef but he’s better than Changbin. He places his lap desk on, and goes to the fridge pulling the upper compartment with the zip tie on the handle. Their kitchen’s cabinets all have one for him to pull on and then he can use the pond pliers to take what he needs. It’s easy to use but if it’s too heavy he’d always call Changbin.
“By the way hyung, what do you think of working at my job ?” Changbin asks as he strolls in the kitchen to take a glass of water.
Chan makes a face, but decides to joke, pulling some meat on his desk, “Aren’t you going to be tired of seeing me in every moment of your life ?”
Changbin gasps, “No way hyung ! I love spending time with you !”
The older huffs a snort, “I don’t know, I can try ? I don’t even know shits in mechanics and cars,” he whines.
“That’s okay, I’ll teach you ! I’m sure they’ll take you right away !” Changbin chirps happily, like an excited child.
“I hope,” Chan murmurs, gaze lost for a few seconds before he’s focusing back on the food.
It will be better for him to finally find a job, even if in the end, he’ll be dependent on the younger man for that part. He’ll self-loathe later though, he’s got a feast to make.
“Let’s go,” Changbin tells him and Chan hums, follows the younger out of their flat and watches him lock the door.
They leave the building and Chan rolls next to Changbin before they arrive in the car. The younger unlocks the car, Chan opens the passenger’s door and slides on the seat with the help of his arms, while Changbin retracts the wheelchair and places it at the back. Both in, they buckle up and Changbin turns on the motor, stomping on the accelerator to drive out of the parking lot and Chan turns on the radio.
“Do we have bags ?”
Changbin nods as he turns the wheel to the left, “Only five.”
It’s another thing but when they arrive at the beach, Chan hates seeing how dirty it can turn out to be. So he cleans it when he can, until the sun is setting and the beach is clean and his inside churns in pride as he gazes at her, I’ll protect you and your family, he’d think, and he swears when the news talks about someone being saved from the sea he feels like it’s her thanking him, Since you helped me, I’ll help one of you.
And god, he loves her.
His mind’s taken back to the present where Changbin is unbuckling himself and taking out his wheelchair. Chan quickly does it too, excited and almost buzzing at the prospect of helping her. Changbin snorts in amusement and fondness. The older slides back on his wheelchair as Changbin hands him a red pond pliers.
The other one which is green is safely tucked against the kitchen’s fridge because Changbin didn’t want him to use this while he also carried trash with it.
(Oh my god please tell me you haven’t been using it to clean the beach too.”
Chan sheepishly smiles, rubbing one earlobe, “Maybe ?”
Changbin’s lips part in shock, frozen at his confession, and Chan hurriedly retorts, “But I clean it ! I swear !”
“I’m buying you another one.”)
The regular swimmers and lifeguards know them by now, especially since Chan is called the wheelchair cleaner angel. Kind of long as a name and maybe a bit offending but Chan actually doesn’t mind since he is in a wheelchair and he cleans the beach.
Well, for the angel part, he prefers ignoring it.
“Oh hey Chan hyung ! Changbin hyung !” Calls one of the lifeguards.
It’s Felix. Pretty Felix with freckles and a weird sense of home sticking to his skin like the sand in his hair.
“Hey Lixie ! How’s it been going so far ?” Chan asks while Changbin prepares the bags and they aren’t surprised when they find most of the lifeguards with bags too and pond pliers to help.
It’s been a sort of tradition to clean the beach and everyone enjoys it, like a soothing part in their erratic days.
“We had to send a kid to the ER, he got stung by a jellyfish.” Chan and Changbin wince at this, knowing exactly how it feels.
They both were lucky it wasn’t deadly in their case but Changbin still asks, “Is he alright ?”
Felix beams, “Yeah, he made it out ! We haven’t let anyone in the water since then,” he explains before he stares at Changbin for long seconds.
Changbin simply raises an eyebrow and Chan snorts as he rolls away, “I’ll start !” he tells them, hoping to give some privacy to those two.
They’ve always shared weird looks and narrowed eyes and whenever he’s asked one of them, they simply tell him it’s nothing.
(“I— what ?” Chan asks with big eyes, and burning ears, “What made you think that ?”
Felix frowns like he doesn’t believe him, “Are you serious ? You’re not— you’re not dating Bin hyung ?”
“No, we’re not !” He retorts, all flustered by the question, “Bin’s always been my best friend,” he rubs his earlobe before deciding to jab back, “if you want to ask him out, you have my permission—”
“I— I wasn’t going— god hyung, you’re so stupid.”)
Chan’s currently filling his bags well. He’s made sure to separate the types and sometimes kids are curious and come to him to ask what he’s doing or why he’s in a wheelchair. Chan used to care too much about others’ words and eyes, but now he doesn’t mind it.
He looks at the sea, goes back to work, talks with a few lifeguards and when they finish he’s gifting himself the present to stare at her in all of her glory, deep blue reflecting with orange highlights and Chan slumps in satisfaction in his wheelchair.
At some point he thinks he sees something round poking out of the water but with just one blink, it isn’t there anymore.
Chan doesn’t question it.
Changbin is by his side soon enough and he doesn’t break this pure moment of bliss that Chan takes the time to burn in his eyes, her beauty.
When it’s time to go, he squeezes his shoulder and he nods.
(“Wait, hyung, hyung !” Changbin calls with frantic eyes and Chan simply grins, “Are you— are you sure ? Isn’t it too high ?”
Chan grins wider, “Trust me ! I’ve seen so many amateurs jump from here and we’re like, professionals at this point !” he giggles in excitement, at the edge of the cliff, looking down at her knowing she’ll catch him like all those times.
“But— but what if— what if something happens—” Changbin tries to tell him, looking pale and almost scared, but Chan ignores his warning and winks at him.
“Don’t worry Bin and enjoy !” And he jumps, closing his eyes in delight.
He doesn’t open them back when something cracks at the touch of water. He hears someone screaming though and— it’s all black from here.)
“So ? How has it been going with Lixie ?” He asks, now driving back home.
Changbin splutters, “What ?” His ears aren’t turning pink, weird. He’s more surprised than embarrassed, “Nothing’s been going on with Lixie, he’s just a friend.”
Chan wiggles his eyebrows with a smirk, Changbin rolls his eyes. “I’m telling you I’m not interested in him.”
He sounds serious which is weirder, Chan studies him, “Why not ? Lixie’s the perfect sunshine and he’s so kind.”
“He is, but he’s not—” he cuts himself to swallow his saliva, Chan wonders if he was about to say something important there, “— he’s not my type.”
Chan’s eyebrows shoot up so high, “What ? Felix ? He’s like, everyone’s type !”
“Is he your type ?”
Chan confusedly stares at him, knows there’s a hidden question somewhere but he can’t find it, “I guess ? But he’s like a younger brother to me, I can’t imagine kissing him, ew,” he makes a face and effectively relaxes Changbin’s tense shoulders.
“You kiss me though.”
Chan snorts at Changbin’s exquisite expression, like a child knowing he’s the favorite of one of their parents, “I’m talking about kiss on the lips Changbin.”
Changbin puckers his lips but doesn’t rebut him, he avoids it, “You’ll tell me if you were… interested in someone ?”
It’s shy and hesitant, which is not Changbin at all.
Chan looks at the rearview, hoping to have a last glimpse of her. He doesn’t, “Well, I love her,” he trails, sees in his peripheral vision Changbin tenses, “I don’t think I’ll ever love someone like this.”
“You like spending time with me,” he trails and Chan goes back to stare at him.
“Are you asking me out ?”
“No,” Changbin blurts too quickly, “I’m just trying to explain, you’re fine with spending time with your best friend, me, and the sea, her,” he answers, his ears are pink, is he missing something ? “If you can do that with me, then you’ll clearly be able to date someone and spend time with both of them.”
Chan hums longly, “And you.”
The younger swallows, “And me.”
Chan’s never seen his life empty of a Changbin. It’s not possible in his perfect life. He’s always there, caring and sweet, gentle and firm, all the things Chan needed during his rehabilitation and if he ever dates someone, he’ll make sure to keep some space for Changbin.
It goes like this, he’ll be living in a house near the beach with his lover and Changbin. He’ll gladly take his friends home too but he thinks it will be a mess with him taking most of the space.
But in the end, Changbin is the constant in his dreamy life.
He’s clearly been selfish on that matter, on him, Changbin had encouraged him to be selfish and he told him about it, his perfect life and his role in it.
He thinks he’s never seen Changbin so emotional at his words before.
(“Are you… serious ?”
Chan nods, fumbles with his long sleeves, staring at Changbin with big worried eyes but firm on his words, he needs him to understand— “Yes, I— I can’t live without you Changbin.”
His breath pauses when he finds Changbin blinking quickly and his eyes are glossy and he’s struggling to keep his tears at bay— Chan opens his arms and Changbin collapses in but stays silent, buries his face in the crook of his neck, sitting on his lap.
Chan blinks his own tears away, knows he’s been horrible all those years to him, had yelled awful things to his face— “You know, I wouldn’t mind if you never wanted to see my face ever again—”
“Shut up,” Changbin tells him with a shaky voice, “let me have this one moment.”
Chan lets him and hugs him tighter.)
They’re home now, Chan takes off his shoes and puts them on the shoe racks. He slides on the floor and places his feet on the side before crossing them manually. He unhooks the wheels which is an easier way for him to clean them. It’s the thing Chan asks Changbin to not touch. He likes taking care of his own things and the younger understands that.
He usually cleans it with a bucket of water and detergent and then with a damp towel he cleans the difficult parts. He also has a brush for the tire. And when he finishes, he dries it with a dry towel and then he hooks back the wheels on the chair and he uses his arms strength to go back on.
He’ll need to change the pillow now that he thinks about it, he’s afraid to have some pressure sores again.
“Hyung, come sleep !”
Chan rolls his eyes but knows not to ignore his yells, or he’ll only get louder, “I’m coming ! I’ll go to the bathroom first !”
It’s his time to use the toilet. It was hard in the beginning with his incontinence, he had to wear diapers, but now with some digital stimulation and a schedule, he just needs fifteen minutes. For urinating, he had used catheters and urine bags after stopping the diapers, despite the number of infections he had. But now with a proper schedule, he simply needs to press against his lower abdomen a few times to trigger his urination.
He washes his hands before going near the toilet. Leaning on one hand, he moves one of his legs to straddle around the toilet then grabs the back of the toilet to lean forward. He unbuttons his jeans and leans on to make sure his jeans weren't going to receive any drops.
When he finishes, he’s back on his wheelchair and closes the toilet lid before flushing the toilet. He washes his hands, then his teeth and joins Changbin who’s currently in his room, scrolling on his phone.
He rolls to the empty side and Changbin pushes away the blanket for Chan to hop on the bed easier, pulling on his legs to place them correctly.
Ah right, he forgot to change.
He sits and takes off his shirt, throws it somewhere, before doing the same with his jeans. He doesn’t like wearing clothes in bed and he’s too tired to wear back his pajamas. Changbin is in the same state, just in his boxers and when he’s sure Chan isn’t going to move, he puts his phone on the nightstand and scoots closer, wrapping his arms around him, and pressing his cheek on his shoulder happily.
Changbin’s always been clingy. He’s so affectionate that people usually finds him intrusive but Chan knows it’s because he cares.
Changbin knows he can sleep in his own bedroom, and yet he always comes back here in the end. And when he’s particularly needy for affection, he’ll scoot incredibly close and kiss his shoulder then noses at the nape of his neck before he’ll relax.
“Goodnight hyung.”
It’s comforting but Chan knows there’s something deeper to that. He’s also affectionate and needs touch to function for the day, likes kisses and cuddles, craves for them even more since Changbin started allowing himself to be this open.
“Night Binie.”
But he doesn’t look into the deeper part, somber and unknown of all of this.
He’s too scared to lose what he has now.
When he closes his eyes, he dreams of her.