Work Text:
10.03.04 | Mon
— nor naim’s
he’s not typically your normal happy go lucky kid. he’s different. well, he’s always felt abnormal; most of his childhood is just him spending time by himself in a quaint hospital room. it’s like his second home at this point. naim swears he could hear the faint beeping noises of the machines whenever he closes his eyes. the pasty white tiles and cream coloured walls are permanently engraved in his little mind. it’s all too familiar.
the smell of medicine sometimes kept him awake at night. it was bothering him at first; the scent made him nauseous right to the bone. it’s unwelcoming. he remembers refusing to take his prescription due to the scent. he’s sick of it.
he would rather die.
of course, that statement aged like milk.
naim was thirteen. what could he do?
right. take the medicine.
he slumped back into his seat with a heavy sigh escaping his lips. the cushion was warm and comfortable; his bed sheets are brand new. it smelled like vanilla with a hint of pumpkin. although the colour of the sheets were plain white, he liked it.
then, his gaze fell on a broken vase on the floor. naim felt awful.
thirty minutes earlier, the vase stood nice and firm beside him. the white asters are blooming well, it was a gift from his mother. his dearest.
now, it’s all in pieces. naim ruined it, the flower and all. he didn’t know what possessed him to smash the vase into bits. he didn’t know why. was he mad? or was he sad? naim couldn’t tell. all he knew was that he had the sudden urge to yell and punt the decor at his doctor.
he didn’t want to take any more medicine. to be fair, the doctor was just doing her job; to make sure he’s alive and well. why did naim have to be such a dick? he couldn’t tell either.
the vase didn’t hit her. he only managed to throw it on the ground; probably because it was heavy. god knows what’ll happen if it wasn't.
the doctor had to call for help. naim was losing his damn mind. only because he refused to listen, like the big brat he was. his emotions; it was everywhere. it was embarrassing and painful. he hated it.
they had to restrain him. he wouldn’t stop screaming. awful, everything about the situation was awful. naim wanted to beat the shit out of everyone involved. including himself. he was afraid.
when his parents arrived, he couldn’t bear to look at their faces. especially his mother’s. he couldn’t tell what the reaction on his father’s face meant. was he cross? disappointed? ashamed? naim wanted to know.
his father let out a sigh and went out of the room. naim didn’t manage to see his father’s face. what is the old man thinking about? slowly, his mother walked towards his bed. he gave her a small peek. the middle aged woman didn’t utter a word; all she did was pull him into her embrace. with that, naim let out a cry.
“sorry ma,” he sniffled, dainty fingers gripping his mother’s fur coat tightly. “naim tak sengaja, sumpah.”
he didn’t want to let go. he missed her, so much. he missed her cooking; her homemade dishes are the only thing keeping him sane. he missed the way she’d tell him bedtime stories every night. he specifically loves the one with romance.
she cooed and brushed his hair. aiden let his mother tangled with his locks for a hot minute; the sensation was nice. he felt warm. “mama tahu, sayang. mama tahu.”
her voice was low, as if she was whispering those words to him. as if she didn’t want anyone else other than them to be in the conversation. ‘mama tahu, ’ was what she said. but does she? did she know ?
naim clenched his fists.
his knuckles were already bruised. small scars were also visible on his arms, including some scratches here and there. naim tends to injure himself when he’s stressed or anxious. his feelings were often neglected. it’s not like his parents hated him or anything. they were just;
afraid.
people are scared of things they don’t understand.
the question ‘are you okay?’ is so confusing. how is naim supposed to answer that? with a smile? when he’s been bedridden almost half his life? it’s always ‘i’m fine, i’m fine, i’m fine.’ he knows how far he is from fine.
his father warned him before. ‘learn how to control your emotions.’ it made him sneer everytime.
he’ll never understand that man. his stepfather, always so closed off and unavailable. sometimes, that man is there. naim could feel his presence but something about their relationship made it seem as if he was absent all the time. he only speak when spoken to. naim figured that the man probably felt awkward being around his only failure son. hell, naim is not even his real son. that doesn’t make him a bad father, right?
he couldn’t tell.
then, his mother was called over by one of the staff. it seems the doctor needed to say something. of course, that’s why they’re here.
she looked over to him with an apologetic smile, one where it didn’t even reach her eyes. he noticed they stopped shining ever since he started ‘rebelling.’ to his defense, he was a kid. a sick one.
“i’ll be right back okay? naim sayang jangan lupa rehat.” she assured, voice soft as cotton. she gently pulled him out of her hug and held his hands; his ugly injured little hands filled with bristles. sheepishly, naim avoided her gaze as he felt her squeeze his hands one last time before exiting the room. the clacking sound of her heels becoming fainter each step.
once again, naim is alone.
well, not technically alone. he still has those broken vase pieces and mushy used-to-be white asters on the floor. the longer he stared at it, the sadder he became. he’s been constantly throwing tantrums over the past couple weeks. to others it might seem childish, selfish even. then again, he was thirteen.
naim noticed the moon was beautiful that night. so, he decided to take a stroll. the doctor wouldn’t mind, right?
the hospital was exceptionally quiet at night. it felt serene and cold. naim liked it regardless; it’s cozy. he greeted a couple of patients and guests on the way. they’re all so nice. naim likes talking to people, he’s a social butterfly. he wondered if he could stay that way.
he reached the heart of the hospital; a fountain. it wasn’t too big or too small. to him, the size is just perfect. tons of flowers surrounded the fountain. it’s been taken care of so well. the plants are fragrant and delicate; it must’ve taken a lot of time and effort to care for them and naim wanted to know who.
“cantiknya. . .” his voice trailed off as he lightly poked one of the flowers. it felt soft under his touch. the scent also managed to comfort his troubled heart. it really is nice.
he then continued to trail his hands into the cold water running from the fountain. when the freezing water came contact with his skin, he jerked a bit. it was sensational. although it soaked up half his sleeves, naim swore he’ll handle those later. he’s too occupied with the refreshing feeling; he loves the way the water ran through his arms; the splashes sparkled brightly under the moon. he was in awe.
“apa yang buat kau tu?”
naim yelped and fell back, completely taken aback by the sudden visitor. his leg was caught up in one of the bushes and his other arm was fully soaked in the fountain. he panicked to regain his composure. Cautiously, he eyed the visitor to see if they’re still looking, and they were.
it was a boy, doesn’t look any older or younger than him. naim guessed that they’re the same age. his hair was short and scruffy; although it's probably fluffy to touch. his eyes were droopy and gentle looking, it made his heart skip a beat.
‘handsome!’ naim gawked.
the boy gave him a look; obviously very confused. immediately, naim felt his cheeks reddened. “uh, aku tengah tengok-tengok air je.” he stammered as he struggled to maintain his posture. the wet sleeves really ruined it for him; he looks stupid!
the boy snorted and it made naim’s cheeks reddened deeper. “hah, iye lah tu.” he gave naim a small smirk and went to sit down in an unoccupied seat near the fountain. the boy was holding a book apparently.
naim let out a small huff. he was too starstruck with the stupid fountain and embarrassed himself in front of this total stranger. and they were being sarcastic too. god, please just kill him at this point.
he eyed the boy again.
“you know, selalunya orang akan start conversation dengan hai atau tanya nama, tapi, aku tak tahu lah kan maybe cara kau lain.” the boy jokes, eyes not leaving his book. his ‘joke’ sounded serious, when in reality it really wasn’t. naim couldn’t tell.
naim scratches his non itchy cheek. “okay, hai, aku naim. kau pulak?” he started. it’s rarely awkward for naim when it comes to socialising. one of his odd moments is when he has to greet his grandma or when people gather around him to sing happy birthday. however, the situation here is different. even so, why is it happening now?!
“amirr.” a reply.
naim heard a chuckle along with the sound of a book being closed. it made his skin tingled. amirr’s lips formed a smile. it's the kind of smile that actually reached his eyes. naim froze. thirteen years of his life; it was the first time that someone would give him a genuine smile. not a look of pity, not even a look of shame or sadness. it’s just a smile.
compared to the twinkling effects that came from the fountain’s reflection, this is a whole lot better.
once again, naim was in awe.
— amirr’s
he likes books. he also loves reading. is he a nerd? well, amirr could definitely tell. he’s just a normal boy. he enjoys doing normal boy stuff, like, maybe punching walls or spitting on the sidewalk when people are walking next to you. yeah, define ‘normal’, again?
of course, amirr is not a normal boy. why? because according to his father, ‘normal’ boys don’t like other boys.
amirr couldn’t care less. that man is dead to him anyways. he only has his mother, the woman who gave him life, his everything. she supported him in every way imaginable, like a true mother. amirr loves her dearly.
but alas, god loves her more than amirr can, so she was taken away from him. the moment when he needed her the most, that time when amirr needed someone by his side, a shoulder to lean on, a person to call home, she was gone. forever.
that accident took away everything he could ever offer.
amirr hated the hospital.
they failed to save his mother.
they failed to save his mother .
amirr clenched his jaw. the memories came back to haunt him again that night. it kept going around and around, wrapping itself in his mind. it was clouded and suffocating. he hated it.
he couldn’t wait to leave this shit hole. though it’s not like amirr has anywhere to go afterwards, he doesn’t care. he wants out of that place, away from it forever.
to clear his head, amirr got up from his bed and grabbed a book nearby. it was from the doctor, a gift, he called it. as if giving him a book would bring back his dead mother. these people are annoying, but amirr kept quiet.
the boy decided to chill by the hospital’s heart; the fountain. amirr wondered if they spent half of their budget for that particular waterfall decoration because everything else in the hospital looks like it’s been there since world war two. old and dusty.
right when he arrived, he saw a boy.
they look around his age, soft strands of straight hair falling out, casting a shadow covering his face nicely. his shoulders were hunched with one hand dipping in the cold fountain water. amirr couldn’t help but notice how badly bruised and bristled the boy’s hands were. it made him curious.
so amirr let out a question and to his surprise, it made the boy jump back in shock. embarrassed, they hastily tried to entangle their feet that got stuck in one of the bushes surrounding the edge of the fountain, with one hand completely soaked in the water. the boy’s face was beet red.
it tickled amirr’s heart a bit. ‘handsome tapi bodo.’ again, his own statement became an entertainment for himself.
the boy, to which amirr later learn that his name was naim, was rather awkward. he kept avoiding eye contact but simultaneously, he wanted to keep the conversation going. at times, naim would cover the tip of his fingers with his sleeve. then, he would nervously pick on the dead skin of the blisters from his knuckles.
amirr also learnt that naim was sick. extremely sick.
and again, he couldn’t help but smile.
22.05.12 | Sat
— nor naim’s
eight whole years passed by.
naim is still sick, and amirr is nowhere to be seen. sometimes, it lingers in his mind if he ever hallucinated upon meeting that guy. ever since their last encounter, not once did he leave naim’s mind. even if years go by.
and naim wanted to know why.
a sigh escaped from his lips, his body then sunk deeper into the tense hospital bed. naim let his head be completely engulfed by the pillows. he wanted to die.
as he was about to shut his eyes, his ears picked up muffled voices from outside. immediately, naim jolted from his position to hear the conversations better. he saw two silhouettes of people having a conversation. it looks so important, so much so it’s making him nervous. is it another check up? more medicine? or is naim finally dying? he wants to know!
then, he heard the door handle clicked.
quickly, naim positioned himself sleeping, keeping his heartbeat calm and composed. he intertwined his fingers together, trying to make it seem like he was having the slumber of his life. this trick always works if he wants to get out of confrontation or visitors.
he heard heels clicking on the floor, one that is making their way towards his bed. naim couldn’t help but sweat profusely.
the movement stopped, and naim could feel their presence next to him.
“lama tak jumpa,” the person spoke, and naim’s eyebrow twitched upon hearing the voice. “bangun je la, naim. tak payah pura-pura tidur.”
naim fell off his bed and screamed.
23.05.12 | Sun
— amirr’s
“jadi, apa yang kau cuba sampaikan sekarang ni?” naim couldn’t stop scratching his non itchy head. he was baffled and confused, mostly curious. his eyes shifted to make contact with the latter’s, trying his best not to look away.
amirr chuckled and took a seat on a vacant spot on naim’s bed. the mattress squeaked as it made contact with him and naim inched his legs to avoid them from accidentally touching amirr.
“maksud aku, sekarang ni, doktor kesayangan engkau tengah cuti bersalin. that means, aku ambil alih tempat dia.” amirr explained and flashed a smile in naim’s direction. again, he is baffled. naim opened his mouth to ask another question, but was interrupted by a buzzer. someone is calling him.
his father.
amirr noticed how naim’s face dropped after glancing at his unattended phone. the atmosphere became awkward almost instantly. it gave amirr this very familiar but odd feeling. it made him wonder, just what kind of relationship does naim have with his father?
maybe they do have something in common, after all.
“tak nak angkat call ke, naim?” amirr tried easing the situation, his voice soft, as if he was trying to persuade the latter.
naim felt his cheeks heat up, and looked away shyly. “malas.” he replied through gritted teeth. knuckles clenching hard, turning them white, he felt suffocated again. amirr clicked his tongue, immediately getting naim out of his trance.
trying to change the topic, the doctor begins, “kau mesti nak tahu macam mana aku boleh jadi doktor, kan?” a cheeky smile not leaving his lips, even when naim retorted with a scoff. “tak pun. aku agak, mesti engkau budak pandai.”
amirr let out a laugh.
08.6.12 | Wed
— amirr’s
a month after, naim’s recovery is still slow. progress was shown, yet it's still faint. the other staffs who were in charge of taking care of naim praised amirr a lot. they mentioned how that man is always in a foul mood before, and that working with him was very difficult. apparently, amirr being appointed improved naim’s mood a lot.
of course he takes pride in this.
“naim sayang dah makan ubat?” he teased, waiting to see the other’s response. naim rolled his eyes to reiterate. “pergi mampus.”
he threw a cushion at amirr’s direction, and the latter successfully caught it. naim stick his tongue out as a way to provoke when his pillow attack failed. amirr sneered as a response and went to put the cushion back to its rightful place.
“amirr, aku nak keluar,” naim whined as he laid in a starfish position, his limbs spreading on the hospital bed. “aku nak jalan-jalan.”
he noticed that the latter wasn’t joking. the atmosphere is now grim. naim lost his ability to walk a week ago, and it took a toll on him. losing all of his hair was already hard for him, and now, the ability to walk? might as well just kill him right now.
amirr let out a small smile and patted the other’s chest gently. “jom, nak aku dukung ke?”
naim rolled his eyes again. “pergi mampus.”
12.09.12 | Fri
— nor naim’s
naim sat in his wheelchair, his eyes droopy from skipping sleep. he held the blanket tightly as his gaze upon the view outside. today is raining hard, the sky was covered in thick dark clouds. not a single sunlight in sight. it made him feel worse.
his parents stopped visiting. everyone else did too. naim knew what it meant. there’s only one possible answer.
he really is dying.
naim heard the door handle click, yet he didn’t bother to glance, like he used to. the person stepped closer, and eventually they stood beside him. eyes not moving from the window, naim opened his mouth.
“amirr,” he called out, voice small and meek, almost like a whisper. the latter turned to him, pulling a chair to sit beside him. “kenapa, naimku?”
tears began pooling in his eyes, the grip on the blanket became tighter. with a cracked voice, naim cry out his concerns. “aku penat, amirr. penat! semua orang layan aku macam sial, sampaikan parents aku sendiri tinggalkan aku,”
naim yelled, hot tears falling through his eyes like the waterfall. he used the hands that gripped the blanket earlier to wipe the tears away, and yet it just won’t stop falling.
like a broken pipe.
“baik mati je—” naim’s words were cut off with a hug.
amirr held naim in his embrace tightly. the latter ongoing tears went on again, wetting his coat. naim returned the hug immediately and cry out again.
“aku nak balik, amirr! aku tak nak duduk sini lagi!” his words became messier due to the salty tears cradling his face. naim couldn’t take it anymore.
amirr rubbed his back assuringly, whispering gentle words to calm naim down. “its okay, naim. aku ada, aku faham.”
they stayed like that for a couple minutes, and naim finally calmed down a bit. his eyes now puffy and cheeks are stained with tears. amirr pulled from the hug softly to take a look, and he managed to stifle a giggle. naim looks adorable, despite all that.
amirr went on and held both of naim’s hands, he examined them thoroughly. his fingers are all full of blisters, same with his knuckles. yet, naim’s skin remains softer than ever. amirr caressed them carefully, trying not to hurt the other. he leaned his forehead against naim’s, the tip of their nose touching.
naim felt his cheeks go like a dusty rose.
“kenapa kau buat macam ni dekat aku, amirr?” he asked, one hand holding amirr’s index finger. the latter didn’t reply. he simply gave naim a small kiss on the forehead before pulling away. naim is now baffled.
amirr’s lips curve into a small smile as he prepares to get naim ready for bed.
“aku pun tak tahu.”
27.09.12 | Thu
— nor naim’s
the weather is incredibly nice today. the sun was bright, the air was fresh. naim’s sinks his fingers playfully in the cold fountain pool. amirr sits next to him, observing his actions. as the chilly wind blows, naim chose to lean against amirr’s shoulder for support, his fingers still playing in the water.
naim likes amirr’s presence so much. amirr is caring and calm, he’s also gifted and kind. amirr is warm and strong. amirr is home. naim’s home.
naim let out a giggle, catching amirr’s attention. “apa yang kelakar sangat tu?” he teased and splashed a little bit of cold water in naim’s direction. the other let out a yelp and reiterate. “sejuk la, amirr!”
amirr let out a laugh. “nak aku peluk ke, naim sayang?” naim glared and stuck his tongue out in annoyance. “tak ingin aku.”
another splashed of water was given and laughter from them both ensued. naim felt happy, he felt content. and that’s all that matters right now.
they stayed like that for a while. until the sun was setting.
— amirr’s
it’s getting darker, and naim’s fingers are still playing with the cold water. amirr rested his head on top of naim’s as he held the latter’s other hand. naim wanted to see the sun set.
the both of them spent five months together. and amirr cherished every single moment. he held naim dearly.
the cold wind gushes through again, and amirr felt a small tug in his coat. he gave naim a glance, and the latter chuckled. “sejuk la, amirr.”
amirr’s lips initially had a cheeky smile because he wanted to tease naim. however, the other wasn’t joking. the doctor’s face fell. immediately, he went to cup naim’s face.
cold. it was dead cold.
amirr panicked.
27.10.12 | Fri
— amirr’s letter of resignation
“i hope this letter finds you well. today, i’ve decided to take a break, forever. it seems my purpose to serve this hospital is no longer here as a month has passed ever since. . . . he was here. i am still not recovering, nor i’d ever be. you see, i love naim. the reason why i worked my ass off half my childhood was to serve him, and nothing else. i hold naim close to my heart, just like my mother. and yet, i failed to save them both.
it seems that maybe, love isn’t for me.
maybe not now.
amirr.
end.