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When the doctors discharged him from the hospital, they’d warned Buck about all the possible lasting side effects of being struck by lightning while being three stories up on a ladder. Well, more like they warned everyone else, because Buck was doing a pretty good job faking it he thought, but he was exhausted to his core.
So instead, they warned Maddie and Eddie, who warned Chimney who warned Hen and then Bobby until everyone had been properly warned that at any minute Buck could go through all sorts of terrifying, life-altering side effects. Things like an irregular heart rate and trouble breathing, hearing loss and vision problems, mobility struggles and sometimes slight paralysis.
Buck never really knew how any sort of paralysis could be considered slight, but he wiggled his fingers and his toes about every twenty minutes when his chest would get tight and the fear would take him by the throat. Personality changes too, though Buck still felt like himself, whatever that meant.
But what the doctor had really seemed to undersell was the dysfunction to his body’s ability to regulate temperature. Or maybe she hadn’t. Memory problems had also been on the never-ending list of worry and Buck had been too preoccupied with getting home to his own bed to care. He probably would’ve signed over his Jeep if it meant getting out of that hospital bed.
But Buck naturally ran cold, so he’d just assumed that had meant some of the same struggles he’d had since being a kid. It’d been stupid to assume, really. Probably about as stupid as it had been to race up a ladder during a lightning storm.
He just wanted to get warm.
1. Maddie
“We offered to help but he said he would rather wait for you to shower.” Buck heard the nurse, even if she was murmuring the words so only Maddie could hear.
His cheeks flushed, feeling less like the thirty year old he was and more like he was seven again and the teacher was telling Maddie about how he’d climbed the tree tucked into the corner of the playground when he didn’t want to go back inside after recess.
Buck wasn’t trying to be difficult. He really wasn’t. And he was pretty sure it was all in his head. But he hadn’t been left alone for even a second since he’d woken up. If it wasn’t the team or his parents or Maddie, it was doctors and nurses poking and prodding him and repeating information to him with a slowness of someone who had said the exact same thing to him before and he just—
The doctor said it was normal. That the confusion that left Buck feeling vulnerable and exposed would ease with time. But it was a lot and Buck just wanted Maddie.
But waiting for Maddie meant waiting as the sweat from his early lap down the hallway started to thin into a grimy film that captured the damp chill of the hospital.
That was the most excitement Buck got most days. A PT and a nurse— sometimes whoever else was visiting— got him up and walking down the hallway and back, hands hovering at his side as every one of his muscles stiffened with each step. But Buck would take stiff over paralyzed which is what had been their biggest concern about his mobility.
The doctors promised that would get better soon.
But Buck didn’t know if he believed the doctor with how cold he was.
Buck shivered as he tried to leech every ounce of heat from the warm blanket the nurse had brought him, but it wasn’t enough.
Everyone kept telling Buck he was supposed to rest, but he didn’t know how he was supposed to do that when the cold was an incessant prickling under his skin.
So, that was how Maddie found him; his knees curled up to his chest and burrowed under a pile of blankets, clutching his phone in his fist with her text promising him she was almost there.
Maddie’s expression when she saw him nearly split Buck in two.
“Hey,” Maddie said, sweeping into the room and instantly adding a relief to some of the pressure building up behind Buck’s still very broken ribs.
“Hi.” Buck croaked and forced himself to breathe, trying to ignore the way it sounded wet to his own ears.
He didn’t think he succeeded though because Maddie made that face she always made whenever she saw the cracks in Buck’s resolve. She reached out, cupping his cheek as he other hand combed through Buck’s hair, and she was so warm he couldn’t help but let out the whimper that was bubbling in his throat.
“Buck,” Maddie breathed and Buck pushed into her touch like he was starved for it. “What is it?”
“C-Cold…” Buck managed to get out before he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to will away the tears.
He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t!
The doctor had warned him about how his emotions would be on a little bit of a hair pin trigger for a while. His whole nervous system had lit up like a Christmas tree and left him clinging to life by his fingertips. Of course his emotions were going to be shot.
But Buck didn’t want to cry. He just wanted to get warm!
“You want to try showering?” Maddie asked, the soothing repetition of her fingers combing through his hair almost managing to send him back to sleep.
But Buck was gross and freezing and nothing sounded better than standing under hot water and letting it do all the work of sweeping away the chill.
Well, maybe not standing. He was pretty sure there was a chair in his bathroom and he didn’t think he could manage to stay upright that long but it didn’t matter. He could crawl if he had to.
Buck nodded because that felt like all he could do, but it was enough for Maddie.
It was always enough for Maddie, and Buck loved her for that.
He just wished he’d thought about what it would entail to get to the shower.
Maddie had to free him of the layers of blankets he’d burrowed under, leaving him in nothing but his paper thin hospital gown. His toes were practically numb in his socks and Buck kind of hated the doctor for still not letting him wear the hoodie Athena had brought him the day after he woke up. Something about Buck’s risk of going back into cardiac arrest and needing easy access to his chest. Thankfully, the nurses had let him wear sweats and had been trying to keep him warm with warming blankets that felt like heaven on his too-cold skin, but all of that was for nothing when he was struggling to force himself to uncurl.
Buck tried to wiggle out of his sweats but Maddie had to step in to help get them down his legs before he left them in a sad pile at the end of the bed.
Maddie’s quiet murmurings were gentle and encouraging as she helped but by the time Buck was upright and able to swing his legs over the edge of the bed, his skin felt like it was overtaken by goosebumps.
When lightning struck a tree, the heat of the electricity burned the tree from the inside out. Buck couldn’t help but feel a little like the lightning had done that to him too. It tracked all the parts of him he tried to keep hidden or ignored and exposed him to the world.
Sometimes, Buck still felt like he was burning on the inside out, but vulnerability came with a frigid chill. One he couldn’t shake no matter how much he tried.
“I’m right here,” Maddie said, curling arm around his waist and helping guide him until he was upright. “Lean on me. We’re going to go nice and slow.”
The journey to the bathroom was just that: slow. Buck was still getting used to the heaviness of his own body. Goosebumps marred his skin as the pulsing static of chills swept up his spine but Maddie kept him upright and moving.
There was, as Buck thought, a chair but he was too cold and too tired to be embarrassed.
He just wanted to get warm.
“Grab onto this,” Maddie said, pointing to the grab bar. “It’s going to be cold.”
The sound that fell from his lips was like a whimper that gave up as he grabbed the freezing steel bar with numb fingers.
“I know, Buck. Just a little longer. Easy down,” Maddie said, sorrow filling her voice. She moved with efficiency to the front of Buck, and hugged him tight as she helped lower him down onto the toilet. The lack of grace in his landing that made the toilet seat rattle was just another humiliation to add to the list. “One more second.”
When Maddie made sure he wasn’t going to topple over, she brushed back his curls with her same steady fingers and pressed a kiss to his hairline.
And Buck may have been cold but there weren’t many places he would rather be than being held in Maddie’s protective, loving embrace.
Maddie kept one arm across his chest— and Buck clung back just as tight because the walk to the bathroom shouldn’t have been as exhausting as it was— before she reached over and turned on the shower.
Warm, smothering steam almost immediately filled the room and Buck shivered as the moisture in the air touched his skin.
“Socks,” Maddie said even as she knelt down to help Buck pull his feet free.
Buck tried not to mourn the loss. They were just hospital grade with the rubber tread to help him from falling and thin cotton to shield him from the cold but they were something and without them Buck felt exposed all over again.
His shivering skyrocketed to trembling the moment his bare feet touched the floor and Maddie quietly hummed as she lifted her hand to his forehead.
Buck sighed as he leaned into it and frowned when she curled her fingers under his jaw.
“Did the nurse check your temperature?” Maddie asked, already reaching behind Buck to undo the tie that had been bugging him at the nap of his neck.
Buck croaked out a noise as the stupid gown fell down to his waist and nodded. “101.3.”
Maddie hummed as she took the gown and tossed it into a ball on the counter, leaving Buck naked and folded up. It was still awkward beyond belief, but Maddie had helped him on more than one occasion with showering when his leg had been wrapped up in plaster all the way up to his thigh.
“That’s not too out of the ordinary,” Maddie said more to herself than to Buck as she hugged him again, curling her arms under his and not even flinching when Buck lifted his arms over her shoulders. “But with your ribs and the vent they’ll still need to be checking for pneumonia.”
“I know,” Buck mumbled, using the way his body was still screaming at him for getting up and down so many times to duck his face into Maddie’s neck. “Doctors have been doing a breathing test practically every hour.”
“Good!” Maddie let out a groan as she lifted Buck further upright so he could get his legs under him. “God, this was easier when you were little.”
Buck’s retort fell into nothing more than a pitiful laugh, one that was almost choked out of him when another vicious shiver surged up his spine and made every one of his muscles lock with the chill. Buck’s teeth chattered in his skull, rattling around until his headache was a fierce throb in his temples. His trembling ticked up until he was almost vibrating.
Maddie shushed him quietly, turning Buck with a precision he was too tired and too cold to follow before she was lowering him again onto an uncomfortably wet seat.
The first spray of hot water made Buck jump but Maddie just held onto him and eased him back. Hot— almost too hot— water rained down on Buck’s skin and it was too much at once. Too much, not enough. There was a battle beneath his skin of hot and cold waging war with another and Buck didn’t know where to stand that wasn’t in the crossfires and—
A warm, steaming washcloth was pressed against his chest and unlocked his lungs. Buck sighed as Maddie squeezed the cloth, letting the water seep down his chest and onto his thighs, and Buck could’ve sworn that it was the first clean breath he’d had. Muscles unclenched, aches went quiet, and Maddie brushed them all away with the steadiness of her hand.
“There you go,” she said quietly, so quiet that Buck barely heard her over the sound of the shower. “There you go, Buck. That’s got to feel better, huh?”
Buck clamped his jaw shut as he looked up at her, her hair already frizzing into curls.
“Tip your head for me,” Maddie said, unbothered by the fact that the water was starting to drench her pushed up sleeve.
“S-Sorry…” Buck managed to get out even though his teeth were still chattering.
“Nothing to be sorry about,” Maddie said easily. Like helping Buck shower because he couldn’t stay upright on his own was easy. “Now let me wash your hair.”
Maddie’s arm stayed as a steady anchor across Buck’s chest as he clung to her and did what she asked as she wet his curls before taking some minty shampoo and started massaging his scalp.
2. Chimney
Buck felt like he might have missed something. To be fair, he was on his way to a nap and that was still a murky gray territory where Buck didn’t catch much even if he tried.
Or, at least, he was trying to nap.
The ICU was a winter tundra full of beeping monitors and people who kept waking Buck up to check his lungs or take blood or monitor his temperature. And when he could fall asleep, it felt like there was always someone there making him get out of bed and walk around.
The doctor promised it would only be another day or two before he could be moved out of the ICU, now that he could mostly move on his own. But Buck was just about ready to crawl out of his own skin.
But the thing that kept him up the most was the cold. His toes were like ice in his socks and the chill was like a constant tickle beneath his skin. His inability to get warm was an ever present reminder of where he was and what had happened. The doctor didn’t seem too concerned, but she’d ordered that Buck’s temperature be monitored to make sure he didn’t overheat without realizing it. The long fever he hadn’t quite been able to break stayed low but present. It left him shivering, even under the layers and hot water bottles.
One nurse had even taken pity on Buck and would sneak him some tea that he would curl his fingers around. Nothing with caffeine or sugar— Buck would kill for a cup of coffee— but still, it helped.
The cold was keeping him from napping that time too, and even Maddie’s fingers brushing his curls away couldn’t seem to do the trick of lulling him to sleep. He was right on the cusp of it, grasping and reaching for just an hour if he could get it. But all Buck could manage was the mind numbing blankness of near sleep, but he was still annoyingly conscious.
Chimney still managed to startle him anyway when he burst through the curtain meant to give him some privacy.
His ribs did not thank him for that.
“Chim?” Buck groaned, his voice thick with exhaustion and misery. He gave his room a bleary eyed glance when he didn’t feel Maddie’s soothing fingers on his brow and frowned when he didn’t see her. Maybe he’d nodded off a little there? “Where’d Maddie go?”
“She’s distracting the nurses!” Chimney whispered before he hurried over to Buck’s bed. “We don’t have much time.”
“Much time… for what?”
Buck wasn’t sure he was following what all was happening but suddenly, Chimney dropped a small lump on his legs. A small warm lump on his lips. Goosebumps pebbled all the way up to Buck’s chest and left him gasping as he tried to reach for it and bury his face in it but Chimney grabbed onto his wrists and stopped him.
“Hold up, Buckaroo,” he said, carefully detaching Buck from certain wires that wouldn’t screech to life the moment they were disconnected. “We don’t need you hurting yourself before we’ve even got you in it.”
Buck didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. All he knew was there was something warm and heavy and Buck was desperate to get his hands on it and he couldn’t quite hold back the whine that slipped past his lips as Chimney helped him sit up.
“Nurse Veda is in on it but if we get caught, she doesn’t know how I got access to the dryer,” Chimney said before he held up something that nearly made Buck burst into tears.
There in Chimney’s hands, warmed by the dryer, was his LAFD zip up hoodie. The one that was perfectly soft and had his name stamped on the back.
“You ready to get warm, buddy?”
Buck didn’t even know how to answer other than to nod his head before he was holding up his arms. The blankets he’d been holding up to his chin pooled around his waist and left Buck shivering again, but Chimney didn’t make him wait for long. He helped guide Buck’s arm with his IV through one sleeve, careful not to trap the line, and Buck very bravely did not demand Chimney yank it out in his hurry to get warm. Whatever new meds they had him on needed to be kept in the fridge and Buck had spent more than enough time feeling like his veins were frozen, thanks!
“We figured better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission,” Chimney said as he wrapped Buck in the warm sweatshirt and helped him with his other sleeve.
“I thought—” Buck started and couldn’t quite get the words out as he shuddered when the warm fabric settled against his skin. But the doctor had said he had to wait until he was moved to a regular room.
“Well,” Chimney said as he started reconnecting Buck to things. “You’re out of the window where the doc has to worry about any major side effects and you need some decent sleep.”
When Chimney was done, he stepped back to check Buck over before putting his hands on his hips and giving himself a nod well done.
Buck didn’t know what to do with his hands except stuff them into the sleeve and let the comfort of the material and the heat seep into his muscles. “Thanks, Chim.”
“Don’t thank just me,” Chimney said as he helped Buck back down onto the pillows, steadying his ribs as Buck leaned back. “You know how your sister is.”
Buck smiled at that. Yes, he knew exactly what Maddie could be like.
Buck could already feel the sleep pulling him under but Chimney gave him a soft tap and held up a finger.
“One more thing,” Chimney said before he dug into his pocket and pulled out a pair of socks. Real, warm socks. Buck could’ve kissed him. “Nurse Veda always has no idea how these ended up in the dryer either.”
3. Hen
“Are you jailbreaking me?” Buck couldn’t help but ask as Hen wheeled Buck further and further away from his room.
And if there was a hint of hope in his voice, he was pretty sure no one would blame him. Being in the hospital sucked. The food sucked. The bed sucked. The noises sucked. Buck had finally been wheeled out of the ICU, to a private room where he could wear sweatpants and pajamas and socks that didn’t have little rubber soles to make sure he didn't slip. He still needed help showering but that had more to do with the way his chest was still tight from broken ribs and the tremor in his hands that the doctor told him would pass soon.
She hoped. She didn’t say that part, but Buck had seen it clear as day on her face.
He’d gotten a better grasp on his emotions now that he could manage a few hours with his eyes open and hold a conversation that didn’t revolve around how he was physically feeling. But that had been an update that had nearly stolen his breath away as he stared down at his fingers twitching in his lap.
Bobby’s quiet assurance that he just needed some time had helped a little.
But even being in a new room hadn’t helped with how cold he got. It wasn’t as intense anymore and Buck could go a few hours perfectly comfortable. But there were times when he would wake up shivering and practically begging for more of the pointless tea water just to get some sort of heat in his bones.
The other nurses were less helpful than Nurse Veda in regards to sneaking Buck’s blankets into the dryer for another time. And if he complained too much, they started clucking about letting the doctor know, which meant more tests.
So, Buck grinned and bore it as much as he could.
Hen had caught him grimacing and wincing his way through trying to put on another hoodie before she turned on her heel and came back with a wheelchair. The same wheelchair Buck was being pushed in now.
“If I was, asking that out loud before we even got to the exit would put a damper on that escape plan, Buck.”
Buck didn’t quite pout but it was a near thing as Hen navigated him through the busy hallway.
It wasn’t like Buck was trying to push himself to get back. He knew he had a long road of recovery ahead of him and unlike his leg, Buck also knew he couldn’t rush it. He still didn’t plan on doing the full bedrest the doctor had brought up as a possibility as a condition of his release but he knew he’d be taking it easy for the next couple of weeks.
But he was just so bored. So bored and tired of being tired all the time.
“So where are you taking me?”
Buck hadn’t seen much outside of his room other than the hallway he still had to do laps for the PT every day. The occupational therapist came to Buck’s room twice a week and the amount of scans and imaging he had to get taken were starting to dwindle.
“You’ll see,” Hen said, vague and annoyingly unhelpful.
Now Buck really was pouting and he was glad he had his mask on to hide it, otherwise he would’ve gotten an earful.
“I could’ve walked, you know,” Buck said just to be difficult, because with Hen, she didn’t coddle him.
That had been new. Everyone seemed so happy to see him, relief making their faces bright. But everyone was also treating Buck with kid gloves.
No, it was more like they were treating him like glass. Like the glass that had appeared under the sand and crunched beneath their boots. Like Buck was the glass and the universe was the boot and they were doing everything they could to catch it.
It was kind of annoying to be honest. The only person Buck could even really tolerate that much mothering from was Maddie and that’s because Buck had gotten used to it. She mothered and fussed and cared but she listened too. Really listened to what Buck wanted and tried to make it happen even if she didn’t agree with it.
Hen was kind of the same.
“You could’ve.” Hen agreed, turning down a corridor lined with rows and rows of floor to ceiling windows. “But by then Denny would’ve been graduating college and the sun would definitely have gone down.”
The sun? Buck’s offended noise got lost somewhere in the back of his throat as Hen pushed a handicap button with her hip and two electric doors hummed as they swung open. She wheeled him out into a small beautiful garden tucked away in the center of the hospital. A small path curved up and around bushes and trees with small flowers budding into bloom. A hush descended over the space leaving it quiet and peaceful even with whispers of the city echoing in the air.
Hen stopped Buck’s chair just at the center fountain before she walked in front of him and held out her hands.
“You can walk to that bench over there,” she said with a nod to a small bench parked perfectly in the sunlight. “But if I see so much as a hiccup from you, you’re going back in the chair. Got it?”
Buck wasn’t even sure he finished nodding before he was pushing himself up. His stiff muscles cried out at his eagerness, but Buck didn’t care. He just wanted to be warm for a spell and the spring air was spreading across his skin like syrup. Hen hovered— they all hovered— but she let Buck walk to the bench on his own.
He would never admit that she may have been right about the speed of his walking.
The bench was less forgiving than a wheelchair or a bed, but Hen helped him down with ease before she went to fetch the wheelchair and sat down next to him.
Buck sighed as he closed his eyes and leaned his head back, basking under the sun and feeling some of the chill he couldn’t shake slip away.
Hen pressed up against him and Buck leaned into her side, letting his cheek rest on her shoulder.
“Better?” She asked, her voice gentle as she squeezed his knee.
“So much,” Buck said, feeling his eyes already starting to droop as he soaked up the sun.
It wasn’t until later, when a soft rainstorm pelted quiet little raindrops against the window of his hospital room, that Buck realized the memory of the open sky was the thing that had started to make his hands shake again.
4. Athena
“Athena,” Buck said as she settled in his armchair. “You seriously don’t have to. I’ll be fine for a few hours.”
A few hours that he’d been actually kind of looking forward to, if he was being honest. The doctor had finally let him go home, but only with the caveat that he wasn’t alone for the first two weeks.
Buck was pretty sure that meant that he didn’t drive himself and someone periodically checked in on him. Not around the clock twenty four seven babysitting.
It was easy for the first couple of days. If it wasn’t Maddie, it was his parents which was… kind of weird. His mom had taken to getting him “settled,” whatever that meant. She’d been insistent on finding a couch that was almost on the side of too big for his living room, and Buck had taken to hiding upstairs in his bed when he heard the uptick in huffing and cursing from the delivery men hauling it through his doorway.
It was nice…
It wasn’t really something Buck would’ve picked out for himself… But it was nice. His legs fit without hanging off the edge and with enough pillows he was able to get comfortable so that was…
Yeah.
But his mom also did his laundry and made his bed while his dad or Maddie kept him company.
Buck kind of felt bad for preferring Maddie after everything, but it just was easier with her. She brought a comfort that Buck desperately needed sometimes, and she never looked at him the way his parents did sometimes when they thought Buck couldn’t see them.
Like they’d seen a ghost and the instinct to run sparked in their eyes. That spark always managed to punch Buck right in the chest and knock the breath out of him.
But to their credit, they stayed.
They stayed for as long as they could before Maddie started to see the spooked look in their gazes and asked them to watch Jee-Yun for her while she went to work.
Buck didn’t quite know who was more relieved from the break: them or Buck.
But he did think it meant he would’ve gotten some alone for the first time in what felt like almost a month. Three weeks in the hospital— one of which he was in a coma— and now nearing one week home, he’d been hoping for a chance to be alone, which was a wild thing to think about. Buck used to hate being alone.
He still did.
But he also missed when he could get up to go to the bathroom without everyone in the room watching him and then waiting a painfully long for him to finish.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Athena said as she tucked her feet under her and opened a book. “I should be the one thanking you. Some peace and quiet to sit and read my book? Please and thank you.”
She shot him a quick wink before she turned her attention to her book. Buck huffed out a laugh and shook his head as he settled back into the pillows and tangled his socked feet up underneath the blanket. Any other circumstance, Buck would’ve felt kind of weird being in his pajamas and tucked under his comforter on the couch while Athena was in his loft. They were family but they weren’t really the lounge and veg watching crappy daytime television type.
But he was also feeling the tendrils of a slight chill creeping into his skin, and it was starting to spread throughout his veins. His body was getting better about regulating his temperature and he hadn’t had a fever in over a week but there were still times he couldn’t outrace the cold even if he tried.
His mom had opened the balcony window to let in some fresh air and the crisp morning breeze had been just on the side of chilly, and left Buck burrowing into his hoodie.
If Athena noticed the way Buck shrunk back into the depths of his hood when he slid down into the pillows then she didn’t say anything.
In fact… Athena didn’t say much for most of the morning. It should’ve been awkward with her sitting bedside while Buck just zoned out, watching some game show that had a lot of bells and whistles, but it wasn’t. If anything… It was kind of comfortable.
Maybe it was a cop thing? Athena had to sit still and observe LA through her cruiser window while the world kept on spinning. At least Buck and the team got to camp out at the fire station where Bobby’s cooking filled the air and the most they could do was hope for boring.
Man, Buck missed Bobby’s cooking. It wasn’t quite the same reheated out of tupperware after it had been tucked into the freezer.
Buck missed the smells. The smells of onions being sautéed. The lingering scent of oil and alcohol wipes. The aroma of Bobby’s sauce coming together. The dish soap, the ever present hints of smoke, the mix of shampoos and body wash in the shower, the wafting strong coffee in the morning.
He missed the sounds too. The beeping of the trucks. Hen’s laughter. The sound of boots clapping on the ground as they ran for the bell. The way one simple crash sounded like thunder all the way up into the loft. The way the building shook to pieces in the earthquake, trapping Buck under the rumble before the wave came. Crushing water that punched through him and stole his breath away like a bullet through the chest.
Buck couldn’t breathe…
Buck couldn’t breathe!
He was falling and the lightning was trapped at the base of his spine and he couldn’t breathe! He couldn’t breathe! He couldn’t—
“Wake up, Buckaroo.”
Buck was pretty sure the only reason he didn’t jolt awake was because somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew Athena was over him. It was his resolve tugging him back, keeping him swaddled by his familiar pillows on an unfamiliar couch. But it left Buck gasping, struggling for breath, and trembling all over as the freezing cold turned his veins into ice.
“There you are,” Athena said, her face gentle and soft above him. She placed a hand on his chest, grounding and present and so freaking warm that Buck couldn’t help but cling to it. He wanted to curl under her palm and never come out again. “There you go, baby. Just come back to yourself. You’re safe.”
It was a litany of promises, quiet but meaningful, and Buck’s heart that was racing in his chest and banging on every one of his broken ribs was starting to slow down.
He wasn’t wet. He wasn’t crushed. There were no gunshots. There was no lightning.
There was just the chill. The kind of deep, aching chill that seeped into the marrow of your bones. Violent trembling washed over him and he couldn’t get the words out but Athena didn’t seem to need any.
“You’re okay, Buck,” she said, her voice just as gentle. “You’re okay.”
She pressed warm, soothing circles into the center of his chest and wiped away the few rebel tears that slipped past Buck’s lashes.
“S-S-Sorry…” He tried to say through the chattering of his teeth but Athena shook her head.
“None of that,” she said before dragging over another blanket and settling it over him like she was tucking in her own child. It should be humiliating and Buck knew later that it would be. But in that moment, it was everything. The weight, the warmth, the way Buck felt grounded in that moment, even though everything ached. Everything ached but everything was real, and somehow Athena knew he needed that.
5. Bobby
It was his first real trip outside. Not a walk. Not a cautious step onto the balcony where Buck couldn’t quite help but stare up at the sky and beg it to take mercy on him. Not a trip to the doctor where he had to be poked and prodded and sent through scan after scan.
No, it was a real trip, outside of his apartment, and Buck couldn’t think of a better place to go than for dinner at the firehouse. Maddie had dropped him off to a waiting Chimney, who only teased him the first couple of minutes about being dropped off for a playdate before he’d helped Buck up the stairs.
Annoyingly, stairs were still a challenge that left Buck a little winded and his muscles sore later in the evening.
The scent of pasta and Bobby’s sauce mixed with garlic had Buck’s mouth watering before they even got to the top. Bobby had put out the full spread; baskets of cheesy garlic bread still steaming warm, two big bowls of salad sitting on either end of the table, mounds of cheese just waiting for pasta, and a skillet full of hearty meatballs.
They were really going to have to stop calling it Pasta Thursday when Bobby hardly ever made it on Thursdays now.
Buck didn’t even get a chance to make his own plate before Bobby was stacking him full of pasta and two pieces of bread and Hen was shoving a rather obvious bowl of salad in his direction. But before Buck could even pick up his fork, the bell rang, and the others were off.
The pang of anxiety still twinged beneath his ribcage and Buck knew he didn’t do a great job at hiding his longing as they all ran for the truck, but Bobby stayed back as man behind with his radio turned up in case he was needed on scene, so it wasn’t too bad.
Except when it was just Bobby and Buck, no one was there to run interference to Bobby’s fussing.
“Bobby…” Buck started when Bobby swooped around and put yet another helping of spaghetti on his plate. Buck shoved his hand over his plate. “Bobby, I’m good. Honest.”
Bobby paused mid scoop, staring at Buck with wide eyes. “You’re good?”
As much as Buck loved Not Really Pasta Thursday, he was about to burst.
“I’m good,” Buck said, rubbing his stomach that felt like it had grown three sizes in the last forty five minutes. “Promise. I’m full.”
Bobby dropped the pasta back in the bowl with a decisive nod before he stood up and headed towards the stove. “I’m going to make you some tea.”
“Tea?” It wasn’t like Buck hadn’t had tea before, and tea in the hospital had been his lifeline to staying warm. But Buck couldn’t remember the last time Bobby made tea.
“You want hot cocoa instead?” Bobby asked, holding up a sauce pan and the kettle looking a little too close to unhinged Bobby from his coma dream for Buck’s liking.
Buck shivered at the memory of that wild-eyed imitation. He tried to clamp it down, shove it away before it could take hold, but Bobby saw it anyway.
“Cocoa is faster,” he said with a decisive nod before bringing out the milk and getting the hot cocoa powder from the cabinet.
Buck gave up and settled on the barstool opposite Bobby as he got to work stirring the milk.
Silence fell over them as Bobby got the milk to boil before he brought out the cocoa powder and cinnamon and Buck felt something unclench in his chest. The scent was familiar in that quiet, subtle way where you didn’t realize you missed it until it greeted you again.
Buck missed it. He missed the team and the firehouse and the carefree way he used to walk outside without the hair on the back of his neck standing straight like a lightning rod waiting to be struck.
Some of the stress and frenetic energy that had been vibrating around Bobby seemed to settle as he stirred and Buck relaxed with him, happy to just share in his company.
When Bobby was finished, he grabbed Buck’s mug— it wasn’t Buck’s per se, but there was an unspoken rule about which mug belonged to whom and Buck’s just happened to be the one with the cartoon golden retriever wearing a fire helmet— and poured the hot cocoa. He handed the steaming mug to Buck, who gratefully curled his fingers around it, before Bobby made his own.
“So,” Bobby said when the quiet between them almost got too comfortable. All the carbs and activity and now the heat was making Buck’s eyes heavy and he had a feeling he’d be sneaking a nap in one of the bunks. “Warmer?”
The mere mention of the warmth seeping into his palms made Buck shiver at the barest of chills nestled in his spine.
He was doing better, way better, but Buck was still nestled in hoodies most days and burrowed under blankets.
“I’m fine,” Buck said and curled a little more around the warm cup in his hands.
Bobby hummed as he took a sip of his drink. “And the nightmares?”
Buck scowled.
The nightmares had started to become more frequent as time went on. Suddenly, the cold that had been keeping him up at night had been replaced by a sickening twist of nightmares that left him drenched in sweat and gasping for air. Ever since that afternoon with Athena, they’d stayed right on the periphery of Buck’s mind.
“Athena tell you?” Buck guessed but Bobby shook his head.
“Eddie.”
Of course, it was Eddie. There was nothing Eddie hated more than monsters he couldn’t fight for the people he cared about.
Buck dropped his gaze down to stare at the tiny bubbles popping at the surface of his cocoa.
“Doctor says that’s normal.” Buck shrugged. “My therapist too.”
Buck hid his face in the depths of his mug and inhaled the scent of sweet chocolate. That had been an interesting update with Dr. Copeland.
Hi Dr. Copeland! Sorry I missed out on the last couple of visits. I got struck by lightning and then almost stuck in a coma. Yeah, no funny you should ask. I’m not sleeping.
No. Buck wasn’t a stranger to nightmares. But there was a vividness and a visceral wash of emotions that cloyed at the back of his throat and made it harder and harder to shake the confusion when he woke himself up.
Or worse, when someone else had to wake him up.
“Yeah,” Bobby agreed, coming around the counter to take the seat next to Buck’s. “Doesn’t make it easy though.”
Bobby’s hand was a warm heavy familiar weight on his shoulder and Buck couldn’t help but smile up at him as Bobby gave him a small shake.
“But you don’t have to do it alone,” Bobby added before squeezing Buck’s shoulder. “And my door is always open if you ever need to talk.”
Buck nodded and let himself take a sip of the cocoa where the chocolate and milk drowned out the chill still clinging to his bones.
+1: Eddie
It was the first night Buck managed to sleep through without nightmares.
That was the first thought that broke through the morning fog in Buck’s brain as he blinked awake.
It was the first night Buck had managed to sleep through the night without nightmares to wake him up. His throat wasn’t raw from the gasping of breath. His head didn’t hurt from the flashes of vivid images conjured by his imagination. His heart wasn’t racing to break through his recently healed ribs.
He’d slept through the night and the quiet had been peaceful.
It was also the first time Buck hadn’t woken up because a chill had crept in his skin and wouldn’t let go. He wasn’t half buried under his blanket trying to burrow into his mattress for warmth. He wasn’t clawing for his hoodie that he’d gotten used to curling at the edge of his bed in case he got cold in the middle of the night.
Buck was just warm. Blessedly, blissfully warm.
That probably had to do with his own personal furnace firmly pressed against his back. A furnace that was very much Eddie-shaped and just as clingy.
Finding out that Eddie was clingy when they first started— Did they have a label yet? Could Buck call Eddie his boyfriend? That was another one of those divides where the lightning strike nearly split Buck in two. Before the lightning strike they’d just been fooling around; blowing off steam and saying yes to what started to feel inevitable. But since the strike?
Eddie wouldn’t look at him for the longest time and Buck wondered how long he was going to have to wait for the weight of rejection to come crashing down.
But then their eyes met that day in the hospital and Buck felt like Eddie hadn’t stopped looking at him since.
Buck didn’t think he ever wanted him to look away to be honest.
Eddie made soft noise in his sleep and the arm around Buck’s middle tightened as Eddie pulled him closer to his chest. A leg tucked in between Buck’s calves as Eddie settled again. He nuzzled into Buck’s neck, fanning the heat of his breath across Buck’s skin with his sigh, and for once, Buck got goosebumps for a whole different reason.