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Sunggyu may or may not have something for spring. It was a nice season, the best out of the four. It wasn't too cold neither too hot, the flowers started blooming and the trees recovered their bright and lively green, the sky was clear and the animals went back to life. Everything was full of life, emotion, cheerfulness, happiness. Everything Sunggyu didn't have.
It's not like he was depressed, don't misunderstand this. He was not. Being depressed actually meant feeling something: an ugly, deep sadness. But he didn't feel anything, he was...hollow.
His small flat was located in a nice area of Seoul, where people woke up every morning to walk their dogs, do sport and go to work. He also used to wake up early. Sunggyu liked taking a walk across the park when there was barely anyone, feeling the cold breeze against his skin which reminded him he was still alive.
Then he had to go to college. His mother once told him 'no matter what happens, study whatever you like and become successful. And if things doesn't work out the first time, or the second, or the third, I'll still be proud of having a son like you'.
Sunggyu failed the first time. He chose a major he was not interested in just because he had no idea what he wanted to do. The first year was hell, so he quit. He spent another year more trying out different jobs to pay his rent while trying to figure out what is what he actually wanted to be in the world.
One day, walking down the streets, hands inside his pockets and a cardigan over his body, he saw a small band which consisted of four members: a guitarrist, a drummer, a violinist and a vocalist; playing their music. He stopped dead in his tracks, his mind completely attracted by the melody. It was a sound he had never heard before, a mix of sorrow and dreariness, yet with a strong feeling of joy in between. Something akin longing. And Sunggyu was mesmerized. Was it that what people called falling in love? When you want to dedicate your whole life to someone, to something, in which you firmly believe to the point you would risk everything for it? If that description is correct, then Sunggyu fell in love. He fell in love with music.
And so he knew what was what he wanted to study, what he wanted to become in his life.
He applied for music college the next year. He was going to have to coexist with people two years younger than him, but he did not mind. After all, he was there for an specific reason.
“Hey, mom.” he said, out loud but yet low enough so none except him could hear him, right before entering through the front door the first day. “I finally have found something I like. So I'm going to become successful and be one of the greatest singers in Korea. You'll be proud of me.”
His classmates were noisy and a bit annoying; something he had been expecting, to be honest. Whether like it or not, two years were a considerable difference at that age. He was 20 and they were 18.
Sunggyu silently watched them, talking loudly to each other, patting their shoulders or even smacking their arms. They laughed, had fun, and even made jokes about each other. Some of them probably had been friends since high school.
He felt lowkey jealous. He also wanted to have friends to have fun with, or even mock them and laugh about something stupid and childish they did or said.
The classes went by rather quickly, Sunggyu noticed. Maybe because he was actually enjoying it.
Lunch time wasn't as nice, though. Or maybe it was, but Sunggyu didn't have time to notice it since he was dragged by his classmates to the table, being squished between five bodies on the bench. It was really uncomfortable to eat like that, he could barely move his arms.
But he didn't say anything, since he was with...with people, and that was an improvement. Quietly, he kept eating his food, sometimes answering the random questions his classmates threw at him, but they didn't seem interested at all, to be honest. It was okay, he was used to it.
Many lunchs more were spent in the same way, until Sunggyu had enough of not being able to stuff one piece of pasta inside his mouth. He stood up and left the table, going outside where all the tables were empty or half-empty.
He chose the one which was the emptiest of them all. There was only one boy sitting there, eating his food with his eyes focused on cutting his beef. His hair was blondish and his features quite hard, adorned with a sharp nose and plump lips (there was a small piece of lettuce stuck to his right cheek. Sunggyu found it cute).
“Hello.”
Surprisingly, the boy looked up and greeted him, a huge smile spreading across his nice lips. He was handsome, Sunggyu had to admit it.
“Hello.” he answered back, a bit unsure. He was not good at establishing conversations with random people he had never seen before.
“Do I have something in my face?” the boy asked, pressing his lips together and cocking an eyebrow. “You're staring at me.”
“Oh.” Sunggyu gulped, avoiding his gaze. “In fact, you have some lettuce there.”
*****
Sunggyu learned the boy's name was Nam Woohyun. He was two years younger than him, his hair was naturally dark brown but he had dyed it this year just for the fun of it, loved music (probably as much as Sunggyu did), and his hobbies were football and composing his own songs. Sunggyu had yet to listen to them, he was waiting for the moment when Woohyun felt prepared enough to show them to the world.
He knew they were going to be good, somehow. He thought anything Woohyun has done would turn out to be very good.
Woohyun was many things, and Sunggyu was having a hard time trying to put it into words, no matter how many times he had erased and written back the lyrics of that song. Woohyun was unpredictable, spontaneous, a bit crazy and straightforward, passionate and dedicated, yet he was insecure, childish, stubborn, narcissistic and a bit unstable. Sunggyu found out all those things about Woohyun during the times they spent together (which were a lot), and every little detail made him think about a lot of things, but it could be easily summed up in one sentence: he was beautiful.
But there was something that was...bothering Sunggyu, lately. And it was Woohyun's scent. He smelled like citrus and wood, a homey feeling which sent Sunggyu to his childhood memories. He used to frequent with his mother every weekend one restaurant which was a few streets away from their apartment. The owner was a pompous, cheerful woman who always treated them as if they were members of her own family. She was around her thirties, and her husband helped in the kitchen.
He stopped going when his mother died, but the restaurant was just down the street of his current flat.
“Hyung.” Woohyun called, snapping his fingers in front of his eyes to get his attention.
Sunggyu shook his head and looked at him.
“What?” he asked.
Woohyun was suddenly very close, their bodies next to each other on the bench they were sitting, and he felt...strange. Not strange meaning bad but strange meaning....good, somehow.
Woohyun remained silent, but sighed.
His hair had grown significantly longer, but it was still blonde, and Sunggyu liked running his fingers through the silky strands, a fuzzy feeling settling on his stomach as he did so.
“Hey, Woohyun-ah.”
He saw the boy tilting his head to look at him, his eyes full of black eyeliner (Sunggyu knew he used that to cover up his insecurities, since 'the eyes are the window to the soul'. He could see through it, anyways, so the eyeliner was quite useless, but Woohyun looked nice wearing it, hence he never said a word), and there was spark of something in them, Sunggyu couldn't pinpoint the meaning.
Woohyun hummed in response.
“I need to ask you something but it might be a very random and weird question, I hope you don't mind.”
“Spit it out, hyung.”
“Where do your parents work?” he blurted out. “I mean, you smell...you smell like somewhere I used to frequent when I was a child, so I was wondering...”
“My parents worked in a restaurant, in the same street as your apartment.”
Sunggyu's mouth curved into a perfect 'o'.
“Oh.” he licked his lips, an odd feeling on his stomach and his heart was beating faster than usual. “So your mother is the owner of that restaurant.”
Woohyun nodded.
“But it's already closed, hyung.” Woohyun stated, his voice a bit shaky, as if he was not sure he should say that. “The restaurant has been closed for years already. My mother now works at home, but my father found another job in a company.”
Sunggyu was able to hide the disappointment in his gaze, or at least he thought so.
“You can come eat home any day.” Woohyun added, grabbing Sunggyu's hand and rubbing his thumb against the palm. “It would be nice if you met my parents.”
Sunggyu let out a soft laugh.
“Actually, I already know your parents. Let's see if your mother can remind my face, though.”
Of course Woohyun's mother remembered, how to forget the little kid with small yet beautiful eyes, who looked at his mother full of admiration and always eat his food with such impetus that she felt accomplished. His face was mostly the same, although he had grown up to become a very attractive man. She was glad his son and him were friends.
Friends.
Sunggyu tasted the word on his tongue. He had longed to have a friend like Woohyun for so long, yet the word friends felt strange, foreign.
“Hyung.” Woohyun was lying down on his bed, his body buried between pillows and cushions, while Sunggyu was sitting straight up, with a book on his legs, trying to memorize the lesson for his upcoming exam.
“Ummh?”
“Hyung, do you like me?”
Sunggyu would have been lying if he had said he wasn't taken aback by the sudden question.
“Of course I like you, what kind of question is that?”
“No, no.” Woohyun shook his head, turning his body to the right so he could look better at Sunggyu (even though he was only able to see his back). “I mean if you like me. For real.”
“Oh.”
Sunggyu had thought about it, of course he had thought about it. What was that Woohyun had that made him look so fierce yet so fragile, so incredibly full of himself yet one of the most insecure people Sunggyu had ever met. What was that Woohyun had to make him so beautiful. He had thought about it many times, until he had reached a conclusion. It wasn't a single thing that made Woohyun beautiful, it was every little detail, one above the other, which built who Nam Woohyun was. And Sunggyu realised he was feeling something, for the first time in what seemed eons. His heart beated faster and the palms of his hands were sweating, his thoughts were a mess and his tummy was experiencing more up and downs than a roller coaster.
“I do.” he admitted, in the end. “I like you.”
Sunggyu could feel Woohyun sighing heavily, as if he had expecting another answer and suddenly a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders.
“I like you too, hyung.”
It was spring that day, around may. Sunggyu found himself feeling again, feeling alive. He lay back, cuddling next to Woohyun, inhaling his (probably) favourite smell.
Just like any other songwriter, just like any other singer, just like any other musician, the lyrics of a song come from the inside, from the emotions you're experiencing at that moment; the harder the feeling, the deeper the lyrics. That was what Sunggyu thought.
Sunggyu's feelings weren't deep nor hard enough (yet) to write the most beautiful and heartbreaking song to have ever been written, but they were enough to write a song good enough to pass his final test.
He had many questions, that too, but he had Woohyun by his side, and that probably was the answer to all his questions. Sunggyu was sure he was willing to find out when he grabbed Woohyun's hand, pulling him closer as they cuddled for a few hours more in bed.