Work Text:
I was really giving it my all, that day.
It was my second family conference, and I had the honor of my title to defend, servant hierarchy to climb, and guests to entertain.
For dinner, I decided to go with an old-fashioned Continental buffet, to go along with the formal meeting of this very Western-inclined Japanese family. A board of cheeses and charcuterie, Caesar salad, shrimp cocktail, beef aspic (straight from Le guide culinaire!) - and boiled mutton with caper sauce, a classic dish which I was presenting to the guests, right as-
-as Maria-sama's mysterious letter became the forefront of everyone's attention.
The letter from Beatrice. The servant legend. The cruel prank, or...
Immediately, unpleasant images floated into my mind. The occult circle, drawn in bloody-looking red paint, when no one but me and Genji were in the house. The vision of a distant silhouette of a figure in négligée, seen by me in the mansion's corridors at least twice, and perhaps more - although it's hard to tell a brief and vague sighting apart from a trick of an agitated brain.
The unknown person claiming the title of a family alchemist have delivered a strangely formal speech, and issued a challenge to solve her Epitaph, along with a vague threat.
And the conversation in the dining hall have quickly descended into suspicion and indiscriminate questioning, and then into sheer hell. Eva-sama said something completely indescribable, and everyone started shouting at everyone, with me awkwardly standing by the food cart with the lamb, hoping the scene ends before the fat in the damn thing starts to set solid. I attempted to portion and serve the meal silently, but apparently, the only result of that was getting caught in crossfire. Natsuhi-sama lashed out at me for absolutely no reason, and I have essentially gotten kicked out of the room along with the other servants, soon to be followed by the kids. As the kids shambled into the guesthouse, me and other staffmembers had to wait behind the door and listen to the bickering, awaiting the potential summons. Even though the tea and dessert weren't yet served, it seemed quite obvious our services would not be requested any time soon.
Goddammit, "Beatrice".
Two hours in, demoralized, I unapologetically told the other servants that I am going away from this madness, as clearly requested by Madam herself.
As I passed across the Hall, I was thinking about how I just really needed to make myself some tea and relax with a newspaper crossword. Coming across Beatrice's portrait, I couldn't help but curse her name, even if I felt a small shudder-
-Beatrice is merciful to those who respect her, they say, and cruel to those who don't, they say-
-as I have done so.
Well, too bad. You ruined my food presentation, you stupid servant legend, with your stupid written challenge.
Hmm. Now that I thought about it, crosswords wouldn't help me forget about the damn witch no matter what. Defeating a challenge laid out by her? That sounds like a way to get back at whoever did those mean-spirited pranks on me. At the very least, if I succeed, it would be good for a laugh, wouldn't it?
I took out my tiny notebook I used for planning menus and writing up shopping lists, and scribbled the Epitaph down. It was the first time I ever really considered tackling the thing.
* * *
As I walked into the library, I have noticed Kanon dusting the windows nearby. The careless, antisocial servant seemed to pay me no mind, but I thought his background knowledge might prove helpful. I smiled my best friendly smile and approached the young man.
"Kanon-san. I was wondering, the Master seems to trust you quite a bit, right?”
"...You could say that."
"Say, did he share any details about his past with you?”
"No." Classic Kanon.
"But did he at least mention where was he born?”
"Odawara," Kanon said readily.
Something tripped inside me. I really was ready to spend quite few minutes extracting anything like a straight answer from this particular "fortunate encounter", and I was given one right away. It simply felt right to press on, insisting repeatedly that he should share more about Master's origins and encouraging him to be less shy with a fellow servant.
Eventually, with comical resignation in his eyes, he mumbled something about Taiwan. That's a proper answer by Kanon, right there. Ah, I thought, that part probably would be much easier with Shannon or Kumasawa, the blabbermouthed ladies give an answer straight away - but I supposed I should have been grateful to get a convenient "partner" at all.
* * *
I don't really know what made me think of the chapel. Or, really, any part of the puzzle. It was like solving a cryptic crossword - every part looks like sheer nonsense, until you jump straight at the solution. Except worse. Solving it was a truly random fit of inspiration and enthusiasm, and it even carried me through the rain and the wind.
I have only seen it twice before, once during a cleaning round and once on a walk. It felt incredibly out of place, but I suppose that was what made it so memorable. Now, I was standing there for the third time, jokingly thanking God for giving me sufficient height to touch the letters on the relief without bringing in a ladder.
Suddenly, when the letter I tried to shift out actually pulled out, the realization of the reality of the situation dawned on me. This wasn't like solving a crossword or taking a walk at all. The challenge of the witch have just been proven to be something way more than just a prank. This chapel stood there for decades with no apparent reason to exist, and this mechanism had to have been built into it upon it's construction. I recalled that the portrait and the Epitaph have appeared not long before my arrival at the island, so this cryptic mechanism must precede them by decades! And now, I, a person who's only here to cook food and entertain, am standing alone before this inscrutable puzzle in a mysterious building on a haunted island, trying to challenge and defy someone who claimed to be an alchemist and a witch...
Chills ran down my spine.
There was nothing but the noise of rain and the darkness of night around me.
I was armed with nothing but a flashlight.
I almost turned around and walked away. Right then and there.
Almost.
They say that curiosity killed the cat.
* * *
Secret tunnels. Actual secret tunnels.
Are you fucking kidding me?
* * *
And there it was. The room with the gold. Just like in the rumors and speculations.
Of course, I thought, there was no way all that gold was real. That, at least, had to have been a prank. It's probably not that hard to conjure up some shadly yellow-alloy metal and call it a day.
But that said, the lavish interior of the room was definitely real, as were the tunnels and the chapel and the mechanism and the portrait. It was already clear I was dealing with thing I could not really understand.
Instead of getting childishly excited about the obviously fake gold, I looked around, trying to tell when this room was made or last used.
And that's when I saw her. Unmistakably, the portrait's subject. That face. That gown. That silhouette.
What.
I bowed with utmost politeness.
(merciful to those who respect her, and cruel to those who don't)
"Greetings, Beatrice-sama."
"Greetings, Gohda-sama," replied the low but vividly feminine voice I have never, ever, heard before. "As the Ushiromiya family alchemist, the Golden and the Endless witch, I welcome you to the Home of the Gold. You have solved Kinzo's riddle splendidly, and, as the master of this room, I transfer the ownership of this gold to you."
What.
No.
"That's a prank," I blurted out, before I could remind myself anything about politeness. "M-my apologies, Beatrice-sama! I didn't... mean to..."
"A prank, you say? I see how you would expect something like that from me, Gohda-sama. But I assure you, this situation is quite real. Please, take a look at these ingots." She pulled out one of the slabs. "Pure gold is an unusually soft metal, you know, which is rather hard to cheaply fake. Look," the apparent witch said while running a finger across the damn thing. "They can be scratched with a fingernail."
I stood there, dumbfounded. The witch looked serious. Doubt must have been written upon my face.
"I implore you, Gohda-sama, to take this situation quite seriously."
The witch reached for the coffee table and took... one of the rifles that I just noticed sat on it. Swiftly, she put the ingot down, took aim, and shot. A deafening sound rang across the tiny underground room, the bullet making a large dent in the apparently soft and monolithic metal.
"This gold, at least, is as real as these bullets."
To the person welding a gun, I had nothing to say. Shock froze my mouth in one place.
"Gohda-sama. There's no reason to be afraid." She casually put the weapon down on the table. "I swear upon Fate itself, you are in no danger from me. You have splendidly defeated my challenge, and so, from now on, I shall devote... my entire... existence to you."
"...I can scarcely believe I am hearing you say this."
"Me too." There was something distantly familiar in her manner of speech, though I couldn't put my finger on it.
"..."
"..."
"...was it you who pranked me with the magic circle and night walks?”
Slowly, the witch's face changed from serious and solemn to stupidly grinning.
"Ahaha! Yeeees, it waaaaaas!"
Need I remind that this was a person who just proclaimed their complete devotion to me ten seconds ago?
"...why? And how? There was no one home but me and Genji, and... who are you? Do you live in this bunker?"
”Uuhhiehiehayah!!! See, Gohda-sama, usually, I am a witch with no corporeal form! No one can ever notice my presence unless I wish so! And of course, there's no trouble for me to paint a little pentacle, or appear upon a staircase and then vanish... Of course I don't live here of all places, I am present all over the mansion, and sometimes I haunt the forests as well!”
Was this woman actually insane? Or else...
"If... you want me to take this witch business seriously. You will have to demonstrate it."
"Ohoho. That's how it always is with humans, isn't it? Well, how about this? I know about that memoir you wrote about my pranks! Aaaaaand, I know you didn't even tell the full truth in your private confession! As the Golden Witch, I know full well that hotel fired you for a sinful sexual affair as much as for the oh-so-heroic factional reasons!"
Once again, in yet another wild turn of this bizarre conversation, I have been taken utterly off-guard, and felt weak in my knees. I sat upon the lavish bed. I breathed in, then out.
"I got nothing. And yet. You said... you were incorporeal. That's different..."
Suddenly and inexplicably, the witch's mad grin disappeared from the face of this woman, to be replaced again by that serious, flat expression.
"You want to see how the Golden Witch disappears into invisibility and nonexistence? I could show it too... Do you truly wish to know?”
I just looked at her in a way one would look at someone asking a really dumb question.
"I was in your position, some time ago. I had the same question, more or less. And I, regrettably, wasn't given an option not to know."
"...is it a... dangerous knowledge?”
"You are such a graceless coward, you know that? No, it isn't. But you could just leave the insane woman that you think I am to her business, take my credit card and some ingots, wait out the typhoon, leave this place by boat with a billion yen or two, and never come back. I have one stocked in a remote location for occasions such as this."
"N...not until I know what's going on! I owe this family that much, at least.”
"I ended up swearing myself... to you. There's really no better proof that all of this was a terrible idea. But now, I suppose I can't disobey your order to witness my magic. Yet... you may want to avert your eyes."
Somehow, the madwoman sounded completely serious and sincere.
"Absolutely not."
"...have it your way."
The woman from the portrait put her hand over her hair... and pulled the blonde wig off.
Thick brown hair fell over her shoulders. The posture and facial expression changed too, into-
Wait.
What.
"I'm sorry for wrecking your presentation with the letter, Gohda-sama. We worked really hard on that buffet, didn't we?” said the gentle, high-pitched, meek voice of-
"What the hell."
Shannon-chan... cackled.
"But... the portrait! And, and, those weren't even your shifts, when I saw you in the corridor! Those were Kanon's shifts, while you were off-island!”
"Ah. Did you suspect Kanon-kun, Gohda-sama?”
"A little. I just couldn't make myself imagine him wearing a ballroom dress."
Shannon sighed, closed her eyes, and reached into her ridiculous witch's dress to fish out something gray-
"Your suspicions had their basis," said the voice of-
This was just this kind of a conversation. Every few sentences, some piece of new information would backstab me.
Kanon-kun stood before me. In a ballroom dress.
"I thought this confession would kill us. But now that we're here, and having it before you, of all people, we're having a lot of fun."
I was speechless.
"You really are an entertainer, Gohda-sama."
"..."
"Incidentally, of your days here, this is the second one when Kanon and Shannon share their shift."
"...What are you going to tell me next?"
"I should mention that I - well, the witch - planned to kill everyone lest someone solved the Epitaph or found me out," Kanon declared with a shaky but humorous tone. "Hence the rifles. We also decided to add some... stimulants into the Caesar salad."
"..."
"Being the Ushiromiya family head for the last two years since Kinzo-sama passed away also deserves a mention."
"...what."
The human that was Kanon and Shannon turned around and lifted some papers out of a drawer.
"Hello, my given name is Ushiromiya Lion - although I really prefer Sayo Yasuda. Nice to meet you, Gohda Toshiro. Here are the copies of the birth certificate and of Kinzo's last will and everything. Genji answers to me. In fact, he should be standing behind the door right about now. Come in!”
The door to the room have opened again, and Genji-sama have indeed stepped in. I thought I noticed a hint of a smile behind his usually stiff expression.
I slumped onto this bed.
This was complete and utter madness.
I mean, fucking hell!
I pinched my hand in despair, entirely aware that none of this felt like a dream.
"Why."
"Why what?” asked a person apparently named Sayo.
"Just why."
"Good question. I wondered that myself from time to time, you could say."
"..."
Genji-san decided to intervene. "I think Godha-san's is mainly wondering about your position of a servant."
I was not even sure myself what I was wondering about, but that felt like a good place to start, so I weakly nodded along.
"Ah. Well. Um." said a voice a bit like Shannon and a bit like Kanon. "You know what, I really don't feel like explaining this."
"Of course, Master."
I was getting tired of reality-shattering revelations. And by that point, there really was no doubt in my mind that whatever the reason for that was, it was definitely insane, and definitely very relevant to this situation.
"Didn't you... swear loyalty to me or something?”
"...Fine. Fine! For the last two years, since I found out about my heritage... it was love that kept me here."
...what now. "Love? What love?”
Genji shook his head.
"Shannon's and Kanon's," Sayo remarked, as if that explained anything.
"Uh. I really don't have any idea what you are talking about.”
"Master, it appears," Genji began, "that there is a permanent resident of the island who doesn't know about at least one of your secret affections."
Never before have I seen Genji attempt humor, especially not against a superior. I swear, the thought was scarier than the Golden Witch with a rifle.
I stood up from the bed, and met Sayo's eyes. That was a person who could get me fired me at any time, and instead chose to bear out my competitive attitude while working nearly double a servant's norm, finding relief in spooking me with magic circles.
"Uh. So. Basically. Kanon loves Jessica. Shannon loves George. Beatrice... loves Battler. And I... have no right to love any of them, and no idea what to do. The indecision have nearly killed me. And I... have nearly killed everyone."
Really?
"Really? That's why?”
"Yes. I chose to abandon myself to fate."
I think somewhere in my memoir I remarked that logic doesn't apply to Ushiromiya family. This was proving to be correct repeatedly over the course of my stay here, but that statement probably takes the cake.
"And you did it by setting up the epitaph game."
"Indeed."
"And by trying to kill everyone."
"Indeed."
"And Genji went along with it"
Genji nodded.
"Did he... ever propose just flipping a fucking coin?”
"..."
"Like, as an alternative to this nonsensical riddle and the murder spree? As far as abandoning oneself to fate, I would assume that would be the state of the art.”
"..."
"Or perhaps use a six-sided die? That seems like a more natural fit. Two faces for each of the three results. Was there a need to have my name on one of the faces?”
"...well, I thought it would be an appropriately tragic conclusion for my dead end. The Epitaph seemed to me like the face of my Fate itself."
"Right. Of course.
How much money is on that card that you mentioned?”
Genji-san informed me of the exact number. It was far more than I would ever earn as a cook.
"Good. Okay. And if I ask about the code?”
It was given.
"Right. So. I am resigning from this psych ward of an island, taking the card, and sailing very, very far away. Keep the gold, keep whatever the hell you have going on here, just fucking keep all of it. Just do whatever you want."
Sayo looked at me with dead eyes.
"Hmm. I just defeated the purpose of your mad scheme, didn't I?"
"..."
In my book, a good solution for a clinically insane person would involve clinical treatment of insanity, but I knew it better to bring it up to a clinically insane person.
"Look. Sayo. Listen. For the love of all that's beautiful, don't kill anyone. Just do the fucking coin thing, okay? Calm down a bit. Then tell whoever you get on the dice about all those things. If you break up, you break up, you know? You'll get two more attempts anyway."
"..."
"You know what, if you are insane enough to take my orders when it comes to things other than cooking, consider that an order."
"...i see."
"Good. I'm going upstairs. To pick up my belongings.
Can I get a nice piece of paper? I'll have to write a resignation letter to Natsuhi."